Episode 5 Russell Howard's Good News Extra

This programme contains some strong language

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much indeed.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Hello and welcome to Good News. So, what's been happening?

Over on BBC breakfast, Charlie Stayt revealed his favourite chat-up line.

What does sausage taste like?

But that's nothing. Look at Jeremy Paxman's ultimate ambition.

To rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

This guy couldn't believe it.

GOAT SCREAMS

On Russia Today, they found Mario, and he's gone bad!

MAN LAUGHS EVILLY

Over in Australia, these two shared the craziest drinking story ever.

Actually, I got hopelessly drunk on Friday afternoon and...

HE SNIGGERS

-..management were there, you know, God.

-And I witnessed it.

And I was drunk, and I picked up a piece of food on my fork

and stuck it into my cheek.

It was the funniest thing!

MUMBLES HYSTERICALLY

I've never seen people that happy in my life.

Well, maybe I have. This guy REALLY likes tropical storms.

Now, this is a tropical storm.

You say, "Dan, why are you showing me this?" Because John's...

DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, what's been going on?

Did you hear about this -

the government are looking to recruit a brand-new breed of spy.

A new scheme to recruit apprentice cyber spies

has been launched by the Government.

Up to 100 18-year-olds will be given the chance

to train for a career in the Secret Service.

We're going to have 18-year-old spies!

"Ah, Mr Bond, I've been expecting you."

"Whatever, slaphead."

"Stop stroking your cat, you look like a paedo."

Imagine them getting interrogated. "Where have you been?"

"Nowhere!"

"Who were you with?"

"No-one!"

"Who do you work for?"

"Nando's."

They'll be awful. Imagine them with Bond girls!

"Your name's Pussy Galore. Is that because you've got a massive fanny?"

They'd be terrible with gadgets.

You give an 18-year-old a laser, he won't use it to spy with.

APPLAUSE

Mind you, the police need a bit of help.

Did you hear about this cock-up from Chorley?

Lancashire Police have apologised

for firing a taser stun gun at a blind man.

They tasered a blind man.

GOAT SCREAMS

It gets worse. Look why they did it.

His white stick was mistaken for a Samurai sword.

They thought he was a Ninja!

When have you ever seen a Ninja attack someone like this?

Imagine the moment they got him.

"I've got that Ninja bastard.

"He won't be troubling our streets again.

"Oh, bollocks! I should have gone to Specsavers."

Either way, apparently his guide dog couldn't believe it.

Mind you, there is one bloke I'd love to see tasered.

The BNP leader Nick Griffin is being investigated by police

for tweeting the address of a gay couple

who won a landmark legal battle.

Mr Griffin urged his followers to demonstrate outside their house

after a court ruled they'd been discriminated against

because of their sexuality.

What a prick. They were turned away...

-APPLAUSE

-Exactly, right.

APPLAUSE

They were turned away by a hotel because they were gay

and Griffin told his dickhead supporters where they live.

But don't worry, I've tweeted his address to this guy...

What I want to know - how does Griffin know the address of gay men?

Nick...

Are you on Grinder?

Did you see what he tweeted?

'This is the tweet that he sent.'

Heterophobia?!

When have you ever seen a gay bloke go,

"Come on, lads, let's go straight bashing.

"I hate those fanny bandits!

"But let's do it quick, there's a double episode of Glee on later

"and I'm not going to miss it."

Nick Griffin is an idiot.

You can't stop people staying in a hotel just cos they're gay. Christ!

Imagine the kind of hotel the BNP would run.

BELL CHIMES

'Welcome to the BNP BnB.

'Our sheets are white and so are the guests.

'Stay with us and you'll get a full English breakfast,

'but we don't do black pudding!'

'BNP BnB, we're here but we ain't queer!

'Book now and get a free Queen CD.

'Oh, he's not, is he?'

Over in America, check out this headline.

Now, I shouldn't laugh, but a week later, they replaced it with this...

'The statue's owner says that the vandals returned about a week later

and replaced its head with this gnome.

Such a weird crime!

Who looks at the Virgin Mary and goes,

"What she needs is a beard and a pipe."

Do you reckon somewhere there's a statue of Mary

just holding a fishing rod?

Mind you, that has got nothing on this next crime.

This may be the scariest story you will ever see.

Someone stole his penis!

Is anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?

The tooth fairy's fucking lost it!

"I'm fed up of teeth. From now on, I shall be known as the Knobgoblin."

He had his penis stolen!

So, who actually took it?

Was it his wife? Was it a scorned lover? Oh, no!

Four men!

Four men! How big was his dick?

Four men!

"Jerry, Jerry, get a lorry, this monster's got some girth."

IMITATES LORRY REVERSE SIGNAL

My favourite part of the story is definitely this bloke's reaction.

It's sick for anybody to steal someone's penis.

That's their penis, it's not yours.

It's their penis, it belongs on their body!

You have your own penis, you play with your own penis, man,

you don't go round stealing a penis, man.

That's a no-no, man, that's how you get killed!

APPLAUSE

I love that part on the end -

"Don't steal a man's penis, that's how you get killed."

No, it isn't.

Nobody has ever been murdered for stealing a dick.

I've seen many episodes of Miss Marple.

Not once has she said,

"Cause of death - he was a cock snatcher!

"Check his pockets, they're stuffed full of dick."

Do you know the worst thing?

Apparently a week later the thieves broke in

and replaced the man's penis with this...

APPLAUSE

Mind you, I've saved the most serious crime story for last.

If you're of a nervous disposition, you need to look away now.

This is truly terrifying.

'Police are taking this very seriously'

and opened a felony theft investigation

into the disappearance of a pen.

Holy shit!

GOAT SCREAMS

I can't believe they called the police.

"Officer, I'd like to report a crime.

"They've taken my biro."

Mind you, that's nothing. Did you see how people reacted online?

Don't steal a man's pen!

Man, that's a man's pen! Play with your own pen!

That's how you get yourself killed!

In sporting news, did you see the England-Poland game that never was?

There's anger and disappointment amongst England fans tonight

after the team's World Cup qualifier against Poland

was called off after hours of rain in Warsaw.

It's been rained off in a ground that's got a roof!

The Polish FA spent 400 million on a stadium with a roof

but the roof doesn't work when it's raining.

Mind you, think that's bad,

you should see their brand-new heated pool.

See the skill!

Argh!

GROANS AND APPLAUSE

The English fans were livid.

"We've come here from miles away! We've wasted so much money!"

The Polish fans, fair to say, they got into the spirit of things.

MUSIC: "Chariots Of Fire" by Vangelis

It's just the joy as he escaped.

The commentators had to fill air for two hours.

My highlight, the look on Roy Keane's face

when Adrian Chiles asked him the dullest question ever.

We were expecting heavy rain, but not a downpour.

That's something we can debate long into the night -

when does a heavy rain become an actual downpour?

"Roy, Roy, when... Roy, when does mist become fog?"

"Roy, Roy, when does bread become toast?"

They should have had my grandad commentate.

He wouldn't have run out of things to say. That man's hilarious, right.

I was watching the game with him and he genuinely said this halfway through.

"Here, that pitch is wetter than a wanker's rag."

Then he looked at me and said, "How is your brother?"

It's been a bad week for the Tories.

Chancellor George Osborne has found himself embroiled in an embarrassing

episode on a train tonight after failing to pay the full fare.

'George Osborne faced ridicule

'after entering a first-class carriage yesterday

'with a standard ticket.'

He refused to leave first class

even though he only had a standard class ticket.

How much would you love to have done that train announcement?

"We apologise for the late running of the train,

"a multimillionaire is refusing to pay his way.

"As all available toilets are broken,

"I recommend you piss in his shoes."

Did you see what his assistant said?

"He can't sit in there, he'll catch poor!"

What a tosser! When you think about it, we pay Osborne's wages,

so I say, as a punishment, we make him travel everywhere in this.

It wasn't just Osborne making headlines.

There was another Tory posh boy in trouble.

The Chief Whip Andrew Mitchell has finally resigned

after widespread criticism

of his foul-mouthed confrontation with police.

Did you see what he called the police?

-Plebs.

-Pleb.

-Pleb.

-Plebs.

-Plebs.

-Plebs.

-Pleb!

Apparently the police called him a Charlie Uncle November Tango.

Either way, they were fairly happy with his resignation.

Over in the US, Barack Obama is back in the presidential race.

Barack Obama has come out fighting in the battle for the White House.

Damn right! Did you watch the debate?

Romney tried his best but Obama played his trump card.

We can get this economy going again. My five-point plan does it.

Energy independence for North America in five years.

Getting us to a balanced budget.

Fixing our training programs for our workers.

And finally, championing small business.

Osama Bin Laden is dead.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Boom!

I can get his head if you want, bitch!

This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.

There's a mystery guest who's been in the news, and I have to figure out who that person is,

so please welcome our mystery guest.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "No One Knows" by Queens Of The Stone Age

Hello. Nice to meet you. I'm Russell. How are you?

Appreciate it, Russell. My name's Alan.

Hello, Alan. Nice to meet you.

Um... Alan.

You appear to have brought some sausages on.

Plenty of sausages for you to enjoy.

Is that why you're in the news? Because you sell sausages?

Yes, we do sell sausages.

There was a man over there wolf-whistling your sausage, Alan.

-Do people often wolf-whistle at your sausage?

-Definitely.

-Various sizes, you see.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What's the biggest sausage you've ever seen?

Erm...

I can make them as long as you want.

-You can make them as long as you want?

-Up to 60 yards.

-A 60-yard sausage?

-Yeah.

What an amazing nickname that would be.

"Here comes Alan." "Look alive, it's 60-yard Sausage!"

So, I'm going to need more help, because obviously...

You want a bit of help? Well, we're in the sausage business.

We are a butchers. I judge competitions all over the country.

-You do competitions?

-Judge competitions.

-Judge?

-Yes.

-You judge people's sausage?

-Yeah.

I'm at, uh...

The Reebok Stadium next Wednesday judging a sausage competition.

Let's just savour that sentence.

You're going to be in a stadium judging sausages.

OK, so can you tell me exactly why you're in the news? Is that OK?

I just won the Best Sausage in Britain...

Which is the Champion of Champions.

The Champion of Champions. There he is.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We've got assorted sausages. Are they all are right? Are they all cooked?

-They look good.

-We've got three kinds.

We got the celebration,

which is the one that won the Champion of Champions.

Those are the Champion of Champions.

Look at these losers hanging around with them.

-Can I try a bit of that?

-Yeah. Let's get cracking.

Just see what it...

That's a Buck's Fizz sausage made with genuine Buck's Fizz.

Oh, Alan, that's terrific.

You like it?

Alan, your sausage is the finest thing I've ever tasted.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Fantastic.

-Delicious.

All the ladies say that.

All the customers say the same.

Alan, it's...

This is terrific.

This is the best mystery guest I've ever had.

(Alan.)

Do you think I've got what it takes to become a sausage maker?

We're going to have a crash course on making sausage

and I'm sure that you'll do a good job.

Let's do a pork-off.

Yep.

CHEERING

-What's going to happen, Al?

-We've mixed this beforehand.

Saved a bit of time.

In there we've got the meat, beautiful British pork.

It's not that beautiful, Al.

Seasoning, a special seasoning that I developed some 25 years ago.

We'll mix the raw skin. So first of all,

if you can put the sprinkle of rusk in there

and then mix the sausage in.

OK, so I've got to mix it all up.

Can you get behind me? It'll be like a meaty version of Ghost.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's it. It's mixed in there. Wonderful.

I'll put this in the filler and then you can fill the rest.

-I'm looking forward to it.

-Just put it in there.

Push it down and then get the rest and put it in the back here.

That's it. Carefully.

Today.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's it. Next one.

Now then. We'll just drop that...

Aye, aye, that's what I didn't want to happen but it always does.

We've lost a plunger!

It feels a bit like we're in a Wallace and Gromit episode.

We've lost the plunger!

There we go.

Now then, you'll see the sausage start to come.

Now you've got to get the skin.

-Let's just put that out of the way first of all.

-OK.

There we are.

-We'll get the skin. This is a natural...

-Oh, Christ.

Now, behave!

This is a natural casing. These are pig intestines cleaned.

-Right?

-Yeah.

Finest thing for sausage. They've got the natural curve.

-You know what I mean?

-Yeah(!)

Sorry about the splash on the front row. Be careful.

-Alan, do you want to know something about pigs?

-Yeah, go on.

Did you know pigs...

-Their orgasm lasts for half an hour.

-Correct.

You're the first person...

I've said that to many people in many different countries.

You're the first who's gone, "Correct" and then...just moved on.

-No wonder your sausages are so good. I don't like that bit.

-Go on.

You've done that before!

APPLAUSE

It's all got to go on.

Start doing it with two hands.

Now you're getting excited. Slow down now. You're getting too excited.

Can I have a cigarette, Al?

Later.

Now you're away.

All you've got to do is just hold that on the end there,

turn the handle, the sausage will come out,

and take the skin with it like that. OK?

You're on your own.

Excellent. Not too full else it'll burst.

Turn your hand over. That's right. Keep turning.

-I am turning.

-Yeah.

Don't hold it so tight. The sausages are going quite thick.

I know you like a thick one, but I mean...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You're getting too excited. That'll do nicely.

That's it. Stop. That's it. Lovely.

-There we are. That's yours then, Russell.

-Thank you.

Now I'll fill a bit out now.

And then we've got to do the most important part,

which is linking the sausage.

You've seen how the sausage hangs in the butcher shops, haven't you?

Now you can link some.

There we are. Twist, turn.

Just like knitting. Through, over, under, off.

-It's not JUST like knitting.

-It is, yeah!

If my nan did that in the front room I'd be terrified!

(INDISTINGUISHABLE)

Wow, good work!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Excellent.

Excellent.

Very good effort.

Honestly, one of my favourite mystery guests.

I'll shake your hand, because thank you so much for coming on.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Alan!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Some bizarre art stories in the news.

Did you hear about Damien Hirst's latest statue in Devon?

A 20 metre statue of a pregnant woman brandishing a sword

has arrived in its new home of Ilfracombe.

'The artist Damien Hirst says it's a modern allegory of truth

'and justice.'

It's a statue of a naked pregnant lady.

Very nice!

So...

So, were the locals fans?

Do they see it as the artistic cherry on top of their glowing town?

Not really.

I live here and I've got to look at it every day.

-What are your thoughts?

-It's horrible!

I don't want to look at that.

We've got enough pregnant women in the town without another one.

"We don't need another slag!"

"And she's got a knife."

"What if she robs the post office?"

She isn't the only one upset. Check this out for an overreaction.

No, it won't!

The only thing it will encourage teenagers to do is piss about.

I give it a week before a 13-year-old boy

is underneath that statue... "Look at me! I'm fingering a giant!"

It's true. You put a teenager near a statue, he'll do this.

Mind you, the art story that caught my eye wasn't a statue in Devon,

it was a lunatic filmmaker called Brent Hayward.

Check this out, right. He is absolutely bat shit.

'Brent Hayward was a punk before most people knew what one was.

BRENT WHINNIES

'He's been an artist for just as long.

'I met up with him so he could show me his infamous short film Slick.'

HE PANTS LIKE DOG

Honestly, this is what I love.

I love to get in touch with my art animal. Yeeeah!

Absolutely mad. He's like Rolf Harris on acid.

I can't show you the film he made

but I can show you this brilliant interview about it.

What makes it art?

Just the fact that it's almost unexplainable.

It's got a certain...

..unknown quality.

It's got a quality to it that's actually very mysterious.

I saw it and I thought, "There's a man with a bottle up his bum."

Not that it's the weirdest art story in the news.

An artist in Liverpool is trying to bring a whole new meaning

to the phrase "birdsong" by creating music from their droppings.

'The artist Kerry Morrison has been placing giant pieces

'of blank sheet music around the city

'with a hope that they will be hit by bird movements

'of the mucky kind.'

Basically, she's been putting sheet music down

and waiting for birds to crap on it.

They actually recorded the music,

and in case you want to know what shit sounds like...

Apparently it's this.

# One night only, one night only

# Come on, big baby, come on

# One night only... #

Finally tonight, meet Colin Wales,

an ordinary man who did an extraordinary thing.

'It's like a scene from a film, but this is real life,

'these are no actors and the man on the stretcher is only alive

'thanks to this man, Colin Wales,

'a postmaster from Trimdon Grange in County Durham.

'It was travelling home from here almost a year ago

'that he came upon the crash just off the A1.

'With the car on the right already ablaze,

'the one on the left is smouldering

'and about to burst into flames. The driver is trapped inside.'

Well, people were telling me to get out, get away,

it's going to blow, so that did give me a sense of urgency,

but it was just one of them things where you see it

and you do it and it's just a natural reaction, isn't it?

It's a situation that needed some action and that's what I did.

'Colin got the driver out and dragged him to safety,

'a moment before both vehicles were engulfed,

'an act of selflessness that earned him

'a police citation normally reserved for serving officers.

'But not today.'

'His first thoughts were, "I need to save somebody's life",

'and that's exactly what he did.'

A proud moment then for Colin and wife Susan.

Could you imagine living the rest of your life knowing

that you could have helped somebody and he burned to death? No way.

No way.

There you go. What a dude.

Next up, it's time for my stand-up guest,

so please welcome the wonderful Andrew Ryan!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-How are we doing, are we all right?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

Good, lovely to be here.

My name is Andrew, very nice to be here. I come from Europe.

It's good to be here in England. I come from Ireland, obviously.

We've got a difficult recession going on at the moment,

we've been in recession now since 1948.

People are very excited about us. That's the way it is.

What the Irish government did, they sent

a letter out to all the Irish people, and said what you have to do now

is make a list of your favourite companies that you want to go bust.

That's what you have to do.

And everybody is slagging off all these companies and stuff.

But there's only one company in Ireland that,

if they ever went bust, there would be a national day of celebration.

That company is called Ryanair.

Everybody slags them off, but I really like them,

because to me, Ryanair are like condoms.

They are a necessary evil.

Sometimes you don't really want to use them, but you just have to.

If Ryanair produced their own brand of condoms and you had sex

with your girlfriend and you put your willy into the wrong hole, well,

at least you can say you landed close

to where you were supposed to be going.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I was in a phone shop recently, I signed up to a brilliant new phone.

Absolutely fantastic phone, this Nokia 3210, absolutely unbelievable.

Got a great deal as well - £85 a month, absolutely fantastic.

Got 11 texts and three minutes. Off the chain, you know what I mean?

But the guy tries to start selling me mobile phone insurance.

I didn't want mobile phone insurance, cos

if something happens to my phone, it's not a life-changing event.

It's grand, I don't have to ring them any more.

It's going to be great. He starts making me feel bad.

He says, Mr Ryan, you've signed up to this amazing new phone today,

I want to ask how you're going to protect yourself

if something happens to that phone.

I want to talk to you about mobile phone insurance.

I said, "I don't want insurance, you're grand."

He said, "I need to ask you a few questions." I said, "Fire away."

"Mr Ryan, Mr Ryanair, what are you going to do if you lose your phone?"

I said, "I'm going to look for it."

LAUGHTER

That's a pretty good strategy, isn't it? I'm going to look for my phone.

He says, "What are you going to do if your phone gets damaged?"

I said, "Jesus, I don't know."

"What if you drop it down a toilet?"

I went, "I've not even left the shop yet."

If I'm standing over the toilet, I'm normally holding something else.

I'm not pissing out Nokia 3210s. It's ridiculous.

He said, "What are you going to do if you lose it, if you damage it?"

Every time I lose my mobile phone at home, it's always the same scenario.

Always have to ring it from the landline. "Jesus Christ.

"If it's on silent, I'm going to go mental."

You start ringing, walking round your house expecting somebody to

answer your own mobile phone.

"Where's my phone gone?"

Then you find it down the back of the settee and you pick it up,

and you go, "It's OK, I found my phone, I've got my phone. It's OK.

"Oh, my God, one missed call!

"Who is this unknown number guy?!"

Then he goes to the next level to try to make me feel bad again.

He says, "Mr Ryan, what are you going to do if that phone gets stolen?"

I said, "I'm going to ring the police." He said, "That's pointless."

He said, "Do you think the police are interested in a stupid mobile phone?"

I said, "Five minutes ago,

"that was the best thing I could have signed up to."

It's gone from hero to zero within two seconds.

He goes, "Do you know how easy it is to steal a mobile phone?

"You can be out in the pub, you can put your phone on the table,

"someone can walk past, they can swipe your phone,

"that's how easy it is to steal a mobile phone.

"And you ring the police and you tell the police your phone has been

"stolen, they're going to do nothing about it.

"So I'm going to ask you again,

"how are you going to get a new phone if something happens to it?"

I said, "Well, based on what you've just told me...

LAUGHTER

"That they're easy to steal...

"..and the police aren't interested in looking for them...

"..I'm going to nick one, mate. That's what I'll do.

"I'm going to nick a mobile phone."

But I live here, I live in England amongst you people,

and it's really good.

But I never realised how bad things were in Ireland

until recently with the bailout and the recession and stuff.

I went home, I was in the pub with my longest friend. He is six foot eight.

We were having a couple of pints, and I decided to asking the big question.

I said, "Shane, how bad are things in this country?"

He said, "They are awful."

He said, "I haven't been able to have a job for nine months.

"My rent, my gas, my electricity, I can't afford to pay them.

"The banks aren't lending us any money,

"houses are being repossessed left, right and centre

"and my parents' pension has been cut back by 60 euros a week."

And then he starts crying into the pint.

I thought, Jesus, there is my friend crying into the pint -

my country, my people all suffering. And from that moment on,

I decided as a proud Irishman that I was going to do something.

So I've decided I'm going to stay in England.

LAUGHTER

It sounds bloody horrendous, you know?

He's crying into a pint, he needs to man up.

But I've been living here for a while now, I live in Manchester.

Something very special happened to me recently,

I got myself one of these girlfriend things.

I got one in London, they're amazing, they're fantastic.

You can get them in the pubs and stuff.

They're really good.

My girlfriend's amazing - she loves me and I like her a lot.

It's a very focused relationship that we are in.

My job, every month, we have to look after stuff.

We recently got this thing called a joint bank account.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

That I have no access to.

I have to pay all the bills, I have to look after all the finances

and the money, and every month we have to pay direct debits.

There is one bill comes through the post every month that is terrifying -

the credit card bill.

The credit card bill is the worst bill you can ever get.

My dad gave me great advice when I was growing up as a kid.

He said, "Son, don't touch them. Don't touch credit cards.

"Don't touch kids either, but don't touch credit cards. Stay away."

What you don't realise is, when the credit card bill comes

in the post, the bank actually talks to you in your head.

You don't realise, you have a full on conversation with the credit card.

You open the bill and it says,

"You can make the minimum payment of £12, which is what we want

"so we can charge you interest, or, you can pay it off all in full.

"Which you can't afford."

"Otherwise, you wouldn't use the fucking thing in the first place."

That's what they do, they get into our heads.

I've come up with a way where you can deal with your bank.

You have to be nice to them.

The nicer you are, the more they can't deal with it.

They've messed us around, so why can't we have fun with them?

I give you an example of how I deal with my bank.

My bank in Ireland - the Bank of Ireland -

have been looking for me for six months.

They've been ringing me up, sending me letters in the post, trying

to get me to pay off my overdraft, the overdraft that they gave me.

You'd think they would look at themselves first before having a go at me, right?

This is what you have to remember - that we are always in control.

When they ring us up,

they need something off us before they can speak to us.

They need us to confirm our personal and security details.

And I've decided that every time I speak to this guy

from the Bank of Ireland, every time he asks me a personal

security question, I'm going to give him all the wrong answers.

And they'll never be able to speak to you ever again.

They shit themselves when you don't even know your own date of birth.

I swear to God, try it. It's the best thing you'll do.

This guy rings me up from the Bank of Ireland - Brian, a proper bell end.

You know, the kind of guy that wears a scarf in a nightclub?

He rings up and he goes, (STRONG ACCENT) "Hello, Mr Ryan,

"this is Brian from the Bank of Ireland, Dublin - what's the story?"

I was like... Actually, do I need to do another Irish accent

on top of the one I'm doing at the moment?

I say, have a bit of a laugh.

He goes, "Hello, this is Brian from the Bank of Ireland.

I said, "Jesus, Brian, how are things?"

He says, "We need to talk to you about your account."

I said, "Brian, this sounds serious."

He says, "Before I continue, I need to ask you some security questions."

"Fire away, man. Fire away." There is no way I can lose this phone call.

It's going to be amazing.

He says, "Can you confirm to me what your current date of birth is?"

LAUGHTER

I was like, "What, the current date of birth?

"Geez, I wrote it down somewhere last week.

"I don't know what I did with it."

So I decide to give him the wrong answers for a laugh.

So I said, "It's 1 July 1990."

He went, "Oh, no, no, no.

"I'm afraid that's not on the system." I said, "Jesus, Brian.

"I'm fucking gutted for you.

"Can I go again?

"Can I guess again?"

He went, "I'm very sorry, I can only accept your first answer."

I said, "What happens now?"

He said, "We'll have to ask you another question." "Fire away, man."

I can't lose this phone call.

He says, "Can you confirm to me the first line of your address?"

I said, "Six. It's six."

He said, "What comes after that?" I said "seven".

LAUGHTER

"No, what comes after that in terms of your address?

"What comes after that?"

I said, "Jesus, Brian, that would be the second line of the address,

"wouldn't it?

"That would be the second line of the address."

He said, "What's the second line of your address?"

I said, "I'm sorry Brian, I can only accept your first question."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"You've got your policies, I've got mine."

He starts panicking over the phone cos he's never dealt with a nut job

over the phone.

I can feel the scarf is getting tighter around his neck.

He comes back and he goes, "Look, Mr Ryan, you have a

"responsibility as a customer of the bank that if any of your personal

"details change or get updated, you have a responsibility to inform us."

I said, "I just have. I just told you my new date of birth, Brian."

He starts panicking over the phone.

You have to understand, at this point during the call,

he knows who he's talking to.

He knows who he's talking to. And I know who he is talking to.

He's talking to me.

But he has to pretend that he doesn't know who he's talking to

until he gets me to confirm who he's talking to.

And I wasn't in the fucking mood for confirming who I was that day at all.

So I decided I was going to drag it out for as long as I possibly could.

He comes back and he goes, "Look, Mr Ryan.

"We've got a policy in the bank." I said, "Jesus, fair play."

He says, "We've got a policy in the bank - I'm afraid that

"if you get these next two security questions wrong,

"I'm afraid we're going to have to terminate the call."

LAUGHTER

"Oh, gutted, Brian. Jesus, that's awful, you know.

"I've always wanted to repay the overdraft, Brian, I'd hate to

"miss out on the opportunity to pay back the 50 euro overdraft I owe."

This call must've cost 60 quid at this stage - it's ridiculous.

I'm thinking to myself, Jesus Christ, this is amazing.

I'm only two wrong answers away from freedom.

This is going to be brilliant.

They're never going to be able to deal with me again.

He comes back and he goes, "Mr Ryan, next question." "Fire away, man."

I can't lose.

He goes, "Can you confirm to me what your mother's maiden name is?

I said, "She never married, Brian. She never married."

He says, "I'm afraid we've got a name on the system."

I said, "Are you telling me you know who my dad is?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Brian, my father owes me 30 years of Christmas presents.

"That money alone could pay off the overdraft, Brian!

"It is in your interest to release the name."

He starts panicking over the phone. He said, "This is getting ridiculous.

"We're going to have to terminate the call."

I said, "Don't you dare call me Mr Ryan." He says, "Why not?"

I said, "Well, you've not confirmed my identity yet."

He says, "What would you like to be called?" I said, "Call me daddy."

"Cos you're going to be crying in my arms later on, right?"

And he said, "We're going to have to terminate the call.

I said, "You're not going anywhere. You said I had two questions, I want one more."

I want to follow this project through,

I want to see how far I can get away with this.

You can understand, the reason why he was ringing me up was

because I used the overdraft - 50 euros - and then I went away.

I abandoned the overdraft.

That's why they were ringing me up to have a go at me.

So he said, "OK, final question.

"Can you confirm to me what your balance is in your current

"account, what the balance is in your current account?"

I said, "Of course I can, Brian. I've got about 4,500 euros in it."

He went, "No, no, no." I said, "What the fuck have you done with my money, Brian?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Where's my dad, and where's my money gone, Brian?"

All the very best everybody, good luck!

Give it up for Andrew Ryan!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you very much for watching Good News. Good night.

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