Episode 1 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains adult humour.

Hello! Welcome to my show.

Every week I'm hunting high and low for stories to make you laugh.

I could do with a giggle - my erotic video, "Russell How Hard",

hasn't gone down as well as I'd hoped.

What the hell? Get out of here, Jackie!

Argh!

I'm pretty sure that Bill Turnbull's become a vampire.

Time to get the news where you are.

Did you see somebody told Lady Gaga that Barack Obama was deaf?

Obama, I know that you're listening.

Are you listening?!

Has anyone else noticed how scary school trips are getting?

We role-play a working-class Victorian funeral.

"But John said we were going to Disneyland!"

Ever so sorry to have to tell you that John has died.

No!

I can't believe John's gone!

Why?

Hey! You forgot to introduce me!

I'm Colin, the talking ostrich.

What was I thinking?

Hmm. Can't do a show without a talking ostrich, can you?

I know there'll be people going, "There's nothing funny about politics."

You obviously didn't see the recent conferences.

Here are my highlights - Gordon Brown struggled at times to hold everyone's attention.

GORDON BROWN: Let me say this also...

A Lib Dem MEP went crazy.

-I hate the dirty cheating

-BLEEP

-!

Jeremy Paxman was really bored.

"I'm so bored. I can't wait to interview Boris Johnson, put my finger in my ear and sniff it."

..to be given the opportunity they were denied

by the Labour Government.

Johnson, as ever, was on phenomenal form.

Manchester! One of the few great British cities I have yet to insult!

I tell you what, though, conference season brings out some strange questions.

Didn't your mum ever tell you if you lie down with dogs,

especially mad dogs, you get fleas?

No, no-one's mum has ever said that.

"Wake up, Russ!" "What is it, Mum?" "Don't lie down with a mad dog!"

"And never give a cat a reach-around!"

CAT SCREECHES

Genuine noise there of a cat being given a reach-around -

it's when you masturbate from behind, it used to be called the trombone.

David Cameron was heavily crit... That probably won't stay in the show!

It would be quite nice if at that point we learn how clever cats are, if they're in someone's front room...

"Oh!

"Oh, so that's how you do it."

David Cameron was heavily criticised for being in the Bullingdon Club when he was younger.

They used to gorge, puke and smash up shop windows, but, come on,

we've all done stuff in our youth we're not proud of!

This is me aged eight.

MICHAEL JACKSON: # And no message could have been any clearer

# If you wanna make the world a better place

# Take a look at yourself and make the change, yeah. #

Mm!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Somebody did a wolf whistle then!

I was eight years old!

I'm eight years old, you beast! "Dress him up as a cat!"

Sarah Brown...gave her husband the introduction of a lifetime.

My husband, my hero, the leader of our Labour Party, Prime Minister, Gordon Brown.

It's lovely, innit, but imagine if they'd had a row,

"You know him as the Prime Minister,

"I know him as the man who puts my clothes when I go to the shops!"

Trust me, that is awkward!

Argh!

So, everyone was offering change, the Tories were in the lead and Labour got dropped by The Sun.

Peter Mandelson was absolutely livid.

What was I supposed to have said?

You used a four-lettered word, the C word.

No, I said "chumps"!

Further to the right, BNP leader Nick Griffin is appearing on Question Time.

There's extra security outside BBC TV Centre ahead of

BNP leader Nick Griffin appearing on Question Time.

People are saying, "What if he seduces the nation?" He won't!

He rants on about keeping the bloodlines pure, but look at him!

Who wants to preserve that gene pool?

He looks like someone has stretched luncheon meat over a toad!

He won't win us over! Have you actually listened to him?

There's no such thing as a black Welshman.

You can have a black Briton, but not a black Welshman.

Really?

Colin Jackson - pretty black, pretty Welsh.

Pretty rare you get to say that and hold the moral high ground.

"Colin Jackson - pretty black, pretty Welsh."

We're just not going to vote for him, are we? Did you see when he got elected as an MEP?

They considered staying put, but as the eggs came in, Nick Griffin and his team took flight.

What was hilarious, the Star newspaper challenged the nation to throw a chapati in his face.

I'd have gone, "Nice one!

"Stage one - you've egged him. Stage two - curry. Stage three - poppadom.

"Stage four - strangle him with chow mein. And stage five - put him in a cannon and fire him into Mozambique."

Racism has been everywhere recently.

Dancer Anton du Beke told his dance partner she looked like a "Paki".

Laila Rouass is half Indian.

She'd just had a spray tan when the remark was made.

What an idiot! Regardless of the fact it's offensive, everybody knows

if a woman's had a spray tan she looks like this guy...

Du Beke, real name Tony Beak, apologised and then this man stepped forward as our nation's racial czar!

Brucie, a man who looks like a ball bag sprinkled with hay.

BRUCIE: 'We used to have a sense of humour about this.

'You go back 25, 30, 40 years, there's always been

'a sense... a little bit of humour about the thing.'

Too right, Bruce, what's it come to when I can't walk into a pub and shout the word "darkie"?

You moron! I used to stick Marlboros up my brother's arse, I don't do it now, it's called "progress"!

'At one time, the Americans used to call us "limeys".

'It doesn't sound very nice, but we used to laugh about it.

'Everybody has a nickname.'

You've still got a nickname in our house.

-Forsyth? He's a

-BLEEP BLEEP

-idiot.

Right, here's the next bit. Now...

Sorry.

Now... Sorry about that. Sometimes you get really nervous in front of cameras.

You've constantly said you can't comment on the situation,

because it was a Scottish dish... a Scottish decision,

but how come MPs or the Prime Minister,

who's a Sco... who holds a Scottish constituency,

can comment and also vote on

matters that are strictly relating to England?

Ah! We all get like that, poor guy, but if you look carefully, you'll

see what is making him nervous - but only if you look very carefully.

You've constantly said you can't comment on the situation because it was a Scottish...

..Scottish decision, but how come MPs or the Prime Minister, who's a Sco...

who holds a Scottish constituency, can comment and also vote on matters that are...

Scientists have made a peculiar discovery this week.

Apparently sperm makes you younger.

You can't help thinking scientists are just making this up to get more action with their wives!

"Sperm makes you look younger." "Does it, dear?"

"Yeah. And I tell you what, love, wanna improve your memory? Anal."

"Really?" "Would I lie, darling? I'm a scientist!

"Fetch the lube."

Do you know how they found this out? This is so horrible, they did research on mice.

They must be the unluckest animals in the world.

First we grow ears on their back, and now we've got a scientist wanking on them.

We think we've got a tough life!

It's grubby, but if this story is true, teenage boys will no longer be

looked upon as awkward filthmongers, but as selfless life-giving gods.

Have we got any teenage boys?

Right, stand up. Look at you, wahey!

Surprised you have the strength to raise your hand!

-What's... What's your name?

-Shaun.

You sound terrified, "I'm Shaun"!

Stand up, Shaun.

Masturbating is good.

Apparently, sperm can cure Alzheimer's, so, Shaun, I want everyone to chant his name.

He's a life-giving god! Shaun, Shaun, Shaun!

CHANTING: Shaun, Shaun, Shaun!

You take that home, Shaun! And you wank over your nan

until she remembers who you are!

Shaun, ladies and gentlemen!

What would have been awkward at that moment, if Shaun went, "She's dead."

It might bring her back to life.

Don't do that, actually, that would be repellent.

"What are you doing?" "Scientists told me!"

Over in New York, a worried rabbi has come up with a unique way to protect his flock.

Meet Rabbi Gary Moscovitz.

But why is he urging them to use violence?

Why should we have to pray in fear?

You can't be spiritual if you're dead.

You can't be spiritual when you're dead?

Surely you're at your most spiritual when you're dead, in that you're hanging out with God!

Not surprisingly, people have poked fun.

You've heard nicknames?

A lot. Rambowitz, Rabbi Rambo,

the God Squad. I don't know how people think about these things.

I can't believe in the current climate that no-one went for the Karate Yid.

Maybe he's not overreacting - terror threats are getting pretty strange.

A new concern - al-Qaeda terrorists are adopting

a dangerous and virtually undetectable method to smuggle bombs

then detonate them, hiding them inside their bodies,

like drug mules are known to hide drugs.

I'm surprised she didn't wink at the camera and go...

Why are we worried? It's gonna be fairly easy to spot.

A bomb up your arse, tell you what - if you were that suicide bomber,

just before you detonated, you'd totally go, "Pull my finger."

You'd have to. Some of you may be concerned,

but fear not, in Blighty we've come up with the answer.

Over in the corner, a company that trains bees to detect bombs.

Brilliant, isn't it? Hang on, don't bees communication through dance?

If a dog barks, you know there's trouble - with bees, it's gonna be tricky.

SONG: "La Bamba"

I don't understand, where's the bomb?

IRISH JIG

Seriously, Mr Bee, I need to know!

RAVE MUSIC

See, it's gonna be impossible!

Here we go, yet another report telling us how bad it is to live in Britain.

Come on, we also have loads of tiny things that make the country spectacular.

Football chants.

Nobody does chants like the British.

Scottish goalkeeper Andy Goram was diagnosed with schizophrenia,

the next game, his own fans chanted, "There's only two Andy Gorams!"

Funny place names.

It's a good day, it's a good day.

We've got loads in the West Country. Every place in the West Country

sounds like a pervert. You picture them in a pub.

All right, there, Chew Magna?

All right, Farrington Gurney.

INDISTINCT

Oh, he's off making a porno with Queen Camel and Long Load.

Here, give us a go on the hammer.

-With pleasure.

-Oh, that's nice.

Some of you probably think we made the names up. Think again.

We have another thing in this country, probably my favourite thing, and that's this.

Old people who don't give a shit.

Look at this brazen thief, who was recently in the news.

"Oh, look, a purse.

"Thank you.

"Good luck, finding me, coppers.

"I think you'll find all old ladies look the same."

Sometimes we have to search for the funny in the news.

Sometimes it's staring us in the face.

Look how many times this guy appears to be checking out her Rodneys.

Now, this is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.

There's going to be a mystery guest.

Someone who's featured in the news recently and I have to figure out who that person is.

-Hello, nice to meet you.

-Hello. Nice to meet you.

-Pleasure.

I don't really know where to begin, I'll be honest with you.

Can you tell me what your day consists of?

How would you start the day? You've got piercings, I notice, straightaway.

-Is there one on your tongue?

-No.

Cos apparently.... We'll chat about that later!

-So, what does your day consist of?

-What's my...?

It feels like I'm coming on to you.

Tell me what your day's like. Do you want some Werther's Originals, darling?

I'm not telling you that!

It's going to be tricky to find out what you do if you don't tell me anything.

-I travel a lot.

-You travel a lot.

OK. Um, where have you travelled recently?

Barcelona.

-Has that anything to do with why you are in the news?

-Yes.

OK.

-Right.

-Yes. Have another guess.

I will.

It's like a pub quiz and there's just you and me in it!

Whereabouts did you do this thing?

What, in Barcelona?

-I went to a convention.

-You went to a convention in Barcelona?

Right. Were there lots of people there?

Mm-hmm. Hot.

What were you doing? What was the convention about?

-Do you really want to know?

-Absolutely!

Have another guess.

LAUGHTER

I haven't had one yet.

Wow! That's amazing.

So, presumably it was some sort of tattoo convention.

Either that or you've been dipped in acid.

What's going on here? This is...

-Whoa!

-Oh yes.

I'm looking forward to it.

Some music playing, which is nice.

AUDIENCE CLAP

Can we stop the music? I'll be honest, this is

without doubt the weirdest moment of my career thus far.

It looks a bit like you've fallen asleep against a map.

It looks lovely. Erm, I imagine...

I am the most tattooed senior woman in the world.

-The most tatooed senior woman?

-Yes.

WHISTLING Wait.

We've got a system.

You could be the most tattooed woman in the world, we just have to kill off some young 'uns.

Can I draw one on you?

-Is that allowed?

-No! No!

"No, I don't want to make a fool of myself!" Well, thank you. It was a pleasure to meet you.

Please give it up for my topical guest.

Fantastic.

Well, this is mainly for the production staff.

I'm gonna put forward a suggestion. How about I have some say in who the mystery guest is going to be?

That was a pensioner with bangers hanging out.

And I've got to be charming with her!

MIMICS THE GUEST LAUGHING

Um, where did you first get a tattoo?

MIMICS HER SCREAMING

What is wrong with you people?!

You can't go on national TV with...

So, what's been happening in America?

Barack Obama has said he will end the ban on people being openly gay in the US military.

We should not be punishing patriotic Americans who have stepped forward to serve this country.

We should be celebrating their willingness to show such courage

and selflessness on behalf of their fellow citizens.

Which, to any reasonable person, makes sense.

However, some people don't agree.

If the world was a gay world, then it would end with

the present generation, Mr Long-legged Mac Daddy.

What did you call the President of the United States?

Mr Long-legged Mac Daddy.

Did you call him anything else?

Mr Phoney Nobel Peace Prize Winner,

Mr Fraudulent Illegal Alien Fraudulent Alleged President.

Why is it that bigots always think they're irresistable to gay men?

Like, they'll be in Afghanistan and suddenly start banging their wangs against your gun.

"Stop it Tony!" # "I am what I am!" #

So, in an attempt to stop homophobia, what exactly is Mr Long-legged Mac Daddy doing?

I believe, "Don't ask, don't tell" doesn't contribute to our national security.

"Don't ask, don't tell" means you can be gay,

but nobody can ask you if you are and you're not allowed to tell them.

I'm totally up for gays in the army.

But that means you're left with "Must ask, must tell",

and I don't know about you, but gay, straight, bi, I don't want to hear about my mate's sex lives.

Oh, you would have loved it, Russ. Me and the wife were going at it every position.

We got doggie, her on top, me on top, in and out, in and out.

Then this dwarf joins in.

There's a guy in the corner, he's got his nuts in some wax.

And no-one knows why, Russ.

We were all laughing. Then we all start banging again.

Really banging.

Every position, you know.

Oh, you should have been there, Russ.

-Want a biscuit?

-No!

People say gays will affect morale, but surely,

if they're all shagging, they'll really look out for each other?

"Don't let Kevin die, he's a deep-throater!

"He's got an arse like a peach, no!"

Have you seen the new exhibit at the Tate Modern?

Well, this is the latest installation at the Tate Modern.

It's effectively a huge metal container.

It's 15 metres tall and 30 metres long.

So, in other words, a box.

They haven't really thought this through. A big, dark box.

That's gonna be an excellent hiding place for a pervert.

WOMAN SCREAMS

MAN CHUCKLES

I'm not a total philistine. This week also marked the end of the plinth in Trafalgar square,

which I quite enjoyed.

My favourite was the Loughborough girl who dressed up as a pigeon.

It was funny because people were like,

"Are you highlighting how we can no longer feed pigeons in Trafalgar Square?"

And she went, "No, I just quite like dressing up as a pigeon."

Now, this is a crime story about a robot.

Can anyone guess what it's about?

-Man gropes a robot.

-Good answer.

That's the correct answer.

How brilliant was that?

And the way you said it - "Man gropes robot".

It's like you've been waiting your entire life just saying that.

I can handle this, lads, stand back.

# This is my moment. #

You're right, a man in China was cautioned for groping a robot.

Are there blokes rubbing themselves against household appliances?

Dirty fridge, sexy blender.

Imagine what his hoover looks like?

You're safe now, Henry!

I'll put a smile on your face again.

Pretty weird, ain't it? Even weirder, look at this story.

How can you psychologically damage a cow?

Put up a poster of this fella.

Or did they go up to the cow wearing a leather catsuit just going, "Where's your dad?

"That's right. I'm wearing him! Oh yeah! How do you like that, eight bellies?"

Apparently it was neither of these things.

It turns out he was keeping them in the dark.

And by that, I don't mean he kept rumours from them.

"Really? The cockerel with the sheep? Mercy!"

I mean, he kept them in the dark, dark.

It's difficult to see how darkness can be damaging to a cow.

They're not big readers.

Not like they're going, "Lights out, brilliant(!) How the hell am I going to know who Kaiser Soze is?

"And how did I pick up a book with hooves?"

If they're in the dark, that's an excellent hiding place for a pervert.

MOOING

MAN CHUCKLES

Right, did you hear about this?

A great story here in The Mail. About dinosaurs.

We think they were killed by meteors or whatever,

but apparently T-Rex was wiped out,

according to the Mail, by a sore threat.

Of course they did. With their tiny hands, they can't reach for the Strepsil.

"Again, again. I'll get there.

"Oh! I die."

We've also learned how our ancestors used to interact.

Scientists speculated in this environment, males walking upright

could carry more food, making them more aattractive to females.

To be honest, this is still true.

# I wonder why

# He's the greatest dancer... #

We've also learned what happens when you have a near-death experience.

There's a very black, blackness,

much blacker than any black on this earth.

And I thought that, "Oh, that's very black."

Just kind of black then.

Then the next thing, out of the blackness, the Virgin Mary just loomed.

And I thought, "Oh, that's the Virgin Mary."

And she just looked at me and then I floated off. I went to this place.

It was all white. All different shades of white.

But, tell me, what vehicle takes you to heaven?

And there was a van, parked.

I thought, "Oh, that's waiting to take me to heaven."

A van? Is it really a van?

Get in the back of the van!

I tell you what, I would not want to be this guy.

A student has been charged after being photographed urinating on a war memorial in Sheffield.

Philip Lang's accused of outraging public decency on Sunday.

What a tool. I say, as an act of revenge, when

he passes his degree, we line up all the surviving members of World War Two and we let them piss on him.

Wouldn't that be great? "Pass me the Volvic, Russ.

"Oi, Philip, who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler?

"Should have worn your goggles, shouldn't you?"

The frustrating thing is people read this and go, "One young person

"did something despicable, all young people are despicable."

And it's not true. It's all part of this media bias to suggest that all young people are savages.

Which isn't true. Some of the stories have been a bit bleak,

but this story puts your faith back in humanity.

This young man helped to solve a rape case and was offered a huge reward. Look at what he did.

So, yeah, they told me I was entitled to some reward money,

but I gave it to the victim, really.

REPORTER: Why?

Um... I didn't feel like I deserved it at all.

And the state that the girl was in after the incident, I really thought

it would go towards making her life a hell of a lot better than myself.

There you go. APPLAUSE

Beautiful.

See, not everyone's a dick.

Thanks for watching. Have a good night. See ya.

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