Episode 2 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains strong language.

APPLAUSE

Hello.

Hello, and welcome to my show.

Every week, I'll be hunting far and wide for stories that make you laugh.

I've got a feeling this will be one of the best shows ever.

But then, like Esther Rantzen, I'm a dreamer.

I want Luton to be at least at much fun as Milton Keynes.

That's right, Luton. Milton Keynes and then one day...Swindon.

Tell you what, Harriet Harman's looking rough.

I am Harriet Harman.

Could be worse, at least you didn't appear to shit yourself at work.

Thank you very much. Am I the only person who has...? Oh, no.

This is weird. Did you hear MPs have been rubbing their nuts with a cheese grater?

How raw are MPs feeling down there tonight?

So, what's the big news this week?

This week's postal strike is still set for Thursday.

The postal strike rumbles on. People say, "Are you going to take the Mickey out of the postman?"

No, they know where I live!

I do a joke, the next thing, there's a turd in my letter box.

Besides, some of them have had a tough time.

-Oh, s...

-BLEEP

-the bed. This strike's doing my

-BLEEP

-head in.

-They're treating old Pat like a

-BLEEP

-rammer.

Poor Pat. He's had a hard week. First the strike and, secondly, he's had death threats off the BNP

for having a black-and-white cat.

Talking of the BNP, did you see Nick Griffin on Question Time?

MUSIC: "The Imperial March" from The Empire Strikes Back

Can we get the gate open, please?

So what did the papers make of it? The Daily Mail went for -

The Daily Record went for -

But what did the Express go with?

Never mind Griffin, she was the people's princess.

Did you see Griffin on Question Time? At times, I thought he came across as a bit extreme.

Isn't that rather in line with your view that people find homosexual creatures repulsive,

as you said, about homosexuals?

RECORDING OF HITLER

He got one thing right, though.

I am the most loathed man in Britain.

This man was delighted.

Guided tours in the Lake District are being cancelled, because only white people were going on them.

No! We can't go on a ramble!

Soon they'll be replacing Post Offices with reggae clubs.

Moron. People were worried he was going to connect with the man in the street.

The man in the street had other ideas.

This is a question to Dick Griff... Beg your pardon, Nick.

Classic, isn't it? Dick Griffin. You know he was high-fiving his mates. "I done it, called him Dick Griffin.

"On telly, called him Dick Griffin." "What happened to David Dimble-wee?" "I got ONE in!"

Did you see the crowd? They looked terrified.

Every cutaway to them, they were going, "Shit, I'm on telly. Don't look racist. Down with Griffin.

"Find the black man, hug the black man."

Eight million people watched it. What's more amazing, while it was on, 7,000 people watched this.

Animal Cops.

"Witness the BNP exposed as nonsense?

"No, thank you, Russ. I'm watching a man getting arrested for sticking a Berocca in a dolphin's blowhole."

Did you see the protest? It was amazing. People were enraged.

What I liked, in the midst of all this racial tension,

one fat guy just wanted to get on telly.

MUSIC: "Always Right Behind You" by The Zutons

MUSIC DROWNS OUT SPEECH

Back to you, John.

So, here's a question we've been asking ourselves this week.

When it comes to android sex dolls, how do you know if you have quality?

I know this one. You can shag her AND charge your iPhone.

People are saying it's really life like. Come on, it's still a computer.

Wouldn't that be horrific? You're having sex and the Microsoft paperclip arrives.

You're trying to have a shag. "Hello! I see you are trying to have a shag."

"Not now, paperclip." "Touch her on the wingdings." "NO!"

What if she gives you a virus? You spend all week rubbing Norton on your plums.

That sounds weird. I mean the software, not Graham!

With its "heavy breathing feature and life-like quality

"you really get a lot of bang for your buck."

Heavy breathing?! If you want sex and heavy breathing, don't buy a doll, just bang an asthmatic.

LAUGHTER

If you want it to look like a robot, just cover her in tinfoil...

but never during a thunder storm.

Unbelievably, people actually WANT this monstrous thing.

This is the perfect woman.

No, she's not. She's not the perfect woman. She's not real. You can't have a curry with her,

watch the X Factor, and vote for John and Edward just to piss off Simon Cowell.

CHEERING

I can only think of one advantage. A robot lady won't be affected by this.

Meet the micro piglets.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Eight of them.

The latest arrivals just four days old.

But even when they're fully grown, they won't get much bigger.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

Listen to yourselves, would you? Stop it!

"Aw!"

You've gone from educated women to dribbling wrecks. "I want one!"

I hate stuff like this!

My girlfriend is training to be a doctor. When she sees this, she goes mad, "Get me a pig!"

"You're not having a pig." "I will kill you in your sleep."

We have a dog, a kitten, we can't have a pig. It's too dangerous.

You couldn't have this near a drunk man.

Imagine getting home drunk you see it, "Oh, there's a pig there, he's cute. He is lovely and cute.

"But he looks tasty.

"Where is the George Foreman grill?"

"WAH!"

"WAH!"

I'm fed up with cute animals.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

Stop it! Listen to yourselves! Stop making that noise!

Seriously, they're just cute, they don't DO anything!

Let's breed useful, I say we breed mini zebras. That would be good. You could take them to Tesco

and watch in delight as the girl goes, "I can't find the barcode".

That's a useful thing. We can have mini rhinos, they can open bottle tops.

What would be the best - I thought about this - mini elephants.

You run out of toilet paper, can you imagine the feeling, as a tiny mini elephant blasts your ring piece.

Everybody's happy, aren't they?

Not everybody, obviously the elephant is mortified.

That is a horrific existence.

"All I do is clean the arse of a man who looks like H from Steps."

So, swine flu is back in the news.

President Barack Obama has declared H1N1 flu a national emergency.

He wanted to protect American children, whereas the English kids didn't give a shit.

Children need to have been in contact with the 12-year-old

for at least 15 minutes to be at high risk.

The Italian Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi, has made the headlines again.

Silvio Berlusconi has said he is the most persecuted person

in the entire history of the world.

You're not. You're the jammiest man in history. You have got away with outrageous stuff.

After the earthquake in Italy, people were living in makeshift tents and what did you say to them?

'They have hot meals, shelter at night.

'It's like a weekend of camping.'

That is taking the piss. "Ay! Pretend you're on holiday!"

"You have lost a leg. Don't worry about it - you can do a good impression of a flamingo!"

"Cheer up, you dusty fuckers.

"Yeah, you only got one eye. Everybody loves pirates."

It's outrageous. He can say anything and get away with it.

It's horrific, yet they're cheering. They love him.

He could dunk his dick in Dolmio, cock-slap the Pope

and Italians would still go, "Ay, Silvio, you want to kiss my baby?"

So most recession stories are full of misery. This beauty bucks the trend.

We're happier during the credit crunch as we spend more time with family.

Makes sense. My family are wonderful.

At a recent wedding, I was at a church in Plymouth. My cousin was getting married.

It overlooked this beach. Do you know what my cousin had done in the beach?

He'd drawn a 30-foot cock.

The photos had to be taken on the other side of the church

so we didn't overlook this massive sandy wang.

It was the highlight of the wedding. I overheard my auntie go, "Did you see the bell end? Priceless"

A well-placed cock in the sand can always make you happy and it's free.

I tell you what else is free - flirting. A recent report suggests it's good for us.

If that's the case, this guy must be feeling fantastic.

OK, Max, you are one handsome guy.

Whoa. I don't normally like to fly, but I am changing my mind.

Baby doll wants to play.

Birdie. Final answer.

I hear the little birdie, you're right.

For me, it's a miracle.

You ARE a miracle. Going for 200.

But... I know, it's pathetic. I am an old horny woman, all right?

To be honest, the questions aren't really helping her.

For 200.

SHE LAUGHS

Anywhere you want to put it, Max.

We can't actually show you the rest of that clip, but that man will never walk again!

Also this report goes on to state the obvious

by claiming that hanging round with your male mates is bad for your health.

I could have told you that.

This is a really weird story. I don't know if you've read about this, it's great.

Now, we all know this song.

# Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

# Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

# All the kings horses and all the kings men... #

COULD put Humpty together again.

Yes, this is the bizarre story - the BBC have changed the ending of Humpty Dumpty...

so that it doesn't scare children.

Do we really want right-on nursery rhymes?

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe...

so she was given sheltered accommodation.

Wee Willie Winkie ran around the town, got caught and is now doing time in a nonce wing.

Why do kids need protecting? I have never had nursery rhyme flashbacks.

Argh. No!

Humpty!

It seems daft. Kids don't form a bond with an egg after one sentence

and if they do, they quickly forget why they are upset.

Humpty Dumpty's had a fall. He was my best friend.

Ooh, chocolate.

Kids are fickle.

BABY CRIES

MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC STOPS

MUSIC: "Mary Had a Little Lamb"

Nursery rhymes aren't scary, these guys are scary.

This is a part of the show I'm leaving in the hands of the production team

and they've done well thus far.

Last week, they found me a babbling lunatic who got her tits out on telly and I had to talk to her.

Cheers, guys(!)

They find me a guest. I have to find out why they're in the news this week.

So please, help me bring on my mystery guest.

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Theme from "The Addams Family"

Stand.

Stand, Mr Howard. Stand.

This is weird already.

It feels like the beginning of a properly X-rated porno.

I wouldn't know such vulgarity.

I have some videos...

-DVDs, actually.

-Ah.

Well, ask me something, Howard!

I am having so many flashbacks, this is weird.

Will I ever see my parents again?

-So, what does your day consist of?

-My day? It consists of examining ladies, mostly.

We've got ladies in the room. Do you want to show me how you do that?

Well, it depends if they have three nipples.

I will check.

-But I...

-Wait, let's not throw THAT away. Lily Allen might be here.

She has three nipples. Has anyone here got three nipples?

As if you are going to admit on telly! Hey!

Barry, Steven, Nathan.

Why ladies with three nipples?

It proves they have been suckling on the poisoned teat of Satan's breast.

Ah!

How does it prove that, exactly?

You are not up-to-date with such affairs are you?

-I'm not.

-Would you like to take the test?

-I would. I'd look forward to that.

This test will prove whether you are in league with the devil

-and indeed a servant of Satan.

-OK.

-Take a seat.

Now, if you weigh less than the Bible...

LAUGHTER

..then you are, indeed, an evil no-gooder.

It's working, it's working. It's...

YOU...

ARE A WITCH!

A witch. Everyone!

ALL: Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!

-The test is complete. You can come off.

-Thank you very much.

So I'm a witch. Sweet.

I am none the wiser, but like you.

LAUGHTER

What do you do? It's difficult to tell, really.

-I presume you work at the London Dungeon in some form?

-Well done, sir. Yes.

In what capacity? What's your actual name?

My name? My name is...

Matthew Hopkins.

Excellent. I thought that was going to be a lot grander.

-Do you not know your history, Howard?

-I don't.

-If you mock the name Matthew Hopkins...

-I mock it to your face.

I call you Matthew Cock-pins, that's what I do.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I don't know.

I don't know. Who is Matthew Hopkins? Fill me in.

-Matthew Hopkins is the Witch-Finder General.

-Ahh.

-Why've you been in the news?

-I have been in the news as I am trying to cleanse this city of evil,

-to rid them of witches at the London dungeon before Hallowe'en.

-I look forward to that.

Good luck with your witch hunting. Ladies and gentlemen, my mystery guest.

MUSIC: Theme from "The Addams Family"

So, fox hunting is back in the news.

Tally ho! We're off again as the Tories set out

how they would legislate to sweep away the hunting ban.

What do the foxes think about this?

This means war.

How unlucky are foxes?

All they want to do is eat chickens, yet people want them dead.

We're not like that with any other animals. Ducks?

These monsters procreate through gang rape.

I'll do that again, cos I stumbled over it. Do you know this, ducks mate by gang rape. Here we go.

This... You're not going to laugh. You're freaked out. You haven't seen it. It is horrific.

No wonder Orville wore a nappy. Jesus.

These monsters, they procreate through gang rape and what do we do?

We feed them bread!

It's ridiculous. "You must be famished after all that sexual assault. Here, have some Hovis.

"Build up your strength before your next rape, you feathery predator."

Mice?

All mice do is go, "Hello, I'm a tiny mouse, all I want do is run along your skirting board.

"Maybe I will leave a tiny, tiny piece of poo."

What do we do? A trap that takes the head off.

And yet, the dog...

MUSIC: Theme from "Roobarb"

He's our best friend. Why?!

You know what they're like. "I'm a dog, I'm your best friend.

"I'll have a walk at five, take my dinner at six, I'm off into your garden for a colossal shit."

"When are your mates coming round? I haven't sniffed bollock for a week.

"Could be worse, at least I ain't a fox."

Have you seen this?

Now, obviously we should be concerned.

The trouble is the British mentality is to find humour whenever we can.

SIRENS WAIL

Oh, well done!

CHEERING

I am so glad I got that on camera.

We can't help it. We love to take the piss.

Have you seen the latest climate change video? It's ridiculous.

Some places could even disappear under the sea

and the children would have to live with the consequences.

That's right, kids. Turn off your lights or you'll kill your puppy.

If you keep playing your Xbox, this is what you'll do to your rabbit.

There were awful heat waves in some parts and, in others, terrible storms and floods.

That's right - you've made your rabbit cry.

Now his tears are adding to the flood.

Why don't you just put a toaster in your nan's bath?

Is there a happy ending?

Probably not.

We don't need a cartoon. We need to be properly scared.

Turn your fucking lights off!

Will there be a happy ending?

No.

Whoo!

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.

Vicious man-eating tomatoes grow to monstrous proportions.

GM foods are back in the news.

It's an emotive topic. Some people get so angry, they actually lose the power of speech.

The potential for contamination, the commercial impl...impl...

implications for Australian industries,

and the benefits and risks assodi...associated with genetically modified orgasms. Orgasms.

LAUGHTER

Whoo!

Exactly. You are right to "whoo." Genetically modified - can you imagine that?

I am having one of them.

Imagine being stuck in traffic and having one of these genetically modified or.. Ohh...

"What's happening?" "I'm jizzing like a pig."

Not everyone's angry about GM foods, this guy loves them, and he may also be the poshest man in history.

The papaya crop in Hawaii was saved by genetically-modified papaya,

which dealt with the pests they had to deal with.

The only man to make the word papaya rhyme with Hawaii.

And I say bloody right.

We can have real fun with GM foods. I have some ideas.

Sprouts that know their place. They sit on your plate, look at you and go, "I'll fuck off."

LAUGHTER

Onions that make you laugh.

"Very good, I do do that, I'm often doing that, it's funny because it's true."

We could have suicidally aggressive veg that hunt you down to make sure you've had your five a day.

Just a cucumber flying through the air.

"I've got nothing to live for! Open your mouth!"

"Thanks, cucumber."

Have you seen the latest fashion for babies? T-shirts with provocative titles.

They say things like, "My mum is single", "Got sex",

But my favourite, if you can call it that, is this.

Porn star in training.

Who looked at a baby and went, "It's cute, it could do with the word porn on it."?

It makes you wonder, what did they reject?

People are, of course, outraged by this.

I find the whole thing really worrying and disturbing,

because I just think we are robbing kids of their childhood.

Calm down, Melinda!

Just because these T-shirts exist doesn't mean people are rushing to put "I love dogging" on their child.

What is a nine-year-old saying in a pair of shoes like that?

What is she saying? "Come and get me, guys"?

No!

No, Ian, she's not saying that.

You don't have to do what your clothes tell you!

I don't put on a pair of Hush Puppies and think, "I'm off to kill a dog."

During a survey this week, a strangely high number of people

admitted to being injured by a biscuit.

The Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents say 400 people a year, in Britain,

are treated in Accident & Emergency departments for biscuit-related injuries.

How do you get hurt by a biscuit?

Argh! Argh!

Argh! Argh! Ahhh!

Ah! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

Argh! Argh! Ahh!

We've learned this week that modern man is pathetic compared to our Neanderthal ancestors.

They were faster, stronger and fitter.

You get sick of these stories.

Women - "I wish I had a proper rugged cave man." Really? Would that be better?

I've had such a hard day at work, darling. Can you put the kettle on?

UGH! AHH!

I don't want to just take the piss out of the news. I want to share something uplifting.

This story made my heart melt.

It's about a seven-year-old blind boy called Lucas

who uses sonar to picture his surroundings by making clicking noises.

He clicks his tongue on the roof of his mouth,

and the sound that bounces back from the objects around him

helps him to understand where they are and how big they are.

We'll talk to Lucas and his mother later, first let's look at how it works.

HE CLICKS

-What do you think that might be?

-A bollard.

-Good boy.

What do you think it's made of? Don't touch it. Use your click.

HE CLICKS

-Wood.

-Good boy. Let's keep going.

-'That's pretty incredible.

-It is. He's also a dab hand at basketball.

'Here he is, using a clicking technique to judge the distance of the hoop and in it goes.

-'He does it several times.'

-HE CLICKS

Yay! Whoo!

How wonderful is that?

Nobody can fail to be uplifted by that. Hope you've enjoyed the show. Take care.

CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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