Episode 3 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

Hello! Welcome to Good News.

Each week, I'll be trawling the world for stories that make you laugh.

It's been a strange week at the Beeb.

Susanna Reid has been stroking an invisible cat...

Those are the main stories. Still to come - celebrating Woodstock...

Bill Turnbull has been beat-boxing...

HE SNEEZES

-I like to...

-HE SNEEZES

What's lovely about that, if you look closely, Kate Silverton was enjoying it so much,

she was touching herself!

LAUGHTER

Over a working lunch, the staff have been stealing...

Welcome to Working Lunch...

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

Highlight of the week - did you see Michael Caine?

He warned Al-Qaeda to stay away from Greggs.

Don't destroy the people who are making the bloody cake!

LAUGHTER

And stay out of bloody Nando's!

Over in America, not everyone is concerned with the recession.

I'm homeless. I have no place to go...

HE LAUGHS

He's got nothing!

Great news, Jonathan Charles is back.

Where has he been all this time?

I'm Jonathan Charles, kept hidden for almost two decades and forced to bare children!

The Kelly Report was out this week, in which he recommends what MPs will be allowed to claim for in future,

because over the last few years, they've really taken the piss.

-Piano tuning.

-Bath plugs.

-Chandeliers.

-Garden maintenance.

-Swimming pool boiler.

-Rat-catcher.

-Housekeeper.

-Dog food.

-Horse manure.

-KitKats.

-Light bulbs.

-Moat repairs.

-Sit-on lawnmower.

-A broken toilet.

-And a helipad.

We absolutely won't let them off the hook.

Even animal sob stories won't win over the public.

I paid back the money for the dog food -

it was a genuine mistake - immediately.

And I have apologised for it.

So you didn't give them it?

-Both of my dogs are dead.

-Oh, really?

AUDIENCE JEERS

Oh, dear.

-Well, they happened to be...

-You should have given more food to the dogs.

LAUGHTER

It is hard to have sympathy when they are saying things like this.

Don't compare yourself to the Holocaust, you dick!

That's like stubbing your toe and going, "Agh! I feel just like Heather Mills!"

LAUGHTER

Makes no sense, you know?

And the thing is, it winds you up, doesn't it?

My dad went mad! Seriously, he sent me an e-mail that said this.

"Son, do you know what they should do with that bastard?"

This is what my dad said!

"They should dip his balls in gravy

"and drag him through a wolf enclosure.

"See what you can do about it!" Like...

My dad has the insane belief that, just cos I'm on telly,

I can break into a man's house,

somehow convince him to teabag a jar of Bisto

and then lure him to a wolf enclosure!

If I had those skills, I would not be doing this.

I would be some kind of ball-based ninja!

It is "dad logic". This is my favourite.

"Son, I have worked out how to stop suicide bombers."

"Have you, Dad?"

"Yeah!

"We air-drop photos of Susan Boyle over Afghanistan

"with a note that says, 'not all virgins are lookers.' "

LAUGHTER

# ..You're driving me crazy

# Goodness, gracious Great balls of fire! #

Congratulations to Wayne Rooney on the birth of his first son, Kai.

Did you know that Rooney slept in the fathers' room of the hospital overnight?

If I was a night porter there,

my phone would be full of photos of Rooney asleep

and me above him going like that...

Bookies have already offered odds of 1,000-1 for him to be the future Prime Minister.

Now, it is ridiculous, but I say all of us stick a grand on him,

when he is 18, we vote for him.

That's 1 million quid each, isn't it?

It is not impossible. We've done it with these guys.

Tennis superstar Andre Agassi has his autobiography out this week. Why is everybody talking about it?

Eight-times Grand Slam winner, Andre Agassi has revealed

he used crystal meth at one stage of his career.

Maybe it was this stage...

Mm-mm-hm-mm-mm! But the beautiful thing is,

it never affected his serve!

LAUGHTER

If drugs ARE rife in tennis, rule number one - put your dealer on the front row.

COMMENTATOR: Well, I don't know where he's going. I have never seen anything like this.

I am quite sure that this has never happened on Wimbledon Centre Court before.

What he doesn't know is that his dealer has given the mushrooms to this guy...

# Fun and laughter on a summer holiday... #

Imagine playing tennis on drugs?!

Touch me again and I will bite you...

Did you read the description that Agassi gave of crystal meth?

Wow! What did you do? Shag strippers? Drive a Rolls into a pool?!

He tidied up?!

If crystal meth makes you tidy, God knows what these two are on!

Honestly, they absolutely love it.

Hang on. I've got to have a sniff... AUDIENCE GROANS

I know you're not supposed to laugh at drug stories, but sometimes you can't help it.

When I was at uni, I was playing football and a ball rolled under the hedge.

There was a man in the hedge - naked. This is true.

He looked at me, whilst naked, and went, "Never sniff glue."

LAUGHTER

Do you know what? I haven't!

It isn't just tennis players falling off the wagon. Look at this guy.

Did you see this story?

A hedgehog had been treated in an animal hospital

after getting drunk on fermenting apples. That is a fantastic story.

AUDIENCE: Aw...

Don't aw! I'd love to see a pissed hedgehog. Imagine that!

Him waking up the next morning, he goes, "Ahhh...

"Agh...agh!

"Ah...

"Oh, no...

"I've shagged a hairbrush...

SNIGGERS

"..again..."

Wouldn't that be great? His mates go, "Oh, Tony you should've seen it last night.

"We were putting cheese and pineapple on your face."

GROANS

"Stop it, my head hurts!"

"They covered you in bubble wrap!"

Wouldn't that be amazing? "Argh! Argh! Stop it! Argh!"

We shouldn't get bothered about this!

Apparently he was taken to some hedgehog version of The Priory. Why?!

I could understand it if it was a slug

doing a tequila slammer.

That's fine.

"Salt, lime... Aaargh! Urgh!

"I'm melting!

"I should have had a Guinness!"

The next time you see a happy slap, this may be the reason why.

Yes, it's true, researchers have discovered

that kids who eat too much candy are more likely to be arrested

for violent behaviour, later as adults.

What next? Health warnings on chocolate?

"A Mars a day helps you work, rest and slay."

Moms and dads who bribe their brats into good behaviour with candy

could be doing harm and should probably be shot with a crossbow.

That seems a bit harsh!

There's some chocolate... Good boy!

-TWANG!

-Urgh!

Can it get worse for kids? Yes, it can.

Because the Government are trying to get them to work.

Children as young as seven are set to receive careers advice

from primary schools, as part of a Government strategy

to raise aspirations and break down barriers to social mobility.

I'd love to see that, wouldn't you?

"So what do you want to be?" "Dragon!"

How could you possibly know what career you want when you're seven?!

"D'you wanna be an engineer?"

"Mate, I can't even think about a career. There's a monster in my cupboard."

It wasn't just the cupboard with me. I genuinely remember one night when I was seven,

I was in bed, I suddenly heard in the darkness, "Greetings, Russell!"

You can't think about a job when you're dealing with a bed goblin!

It was only a week later I realised my dad had hidden a walkie-talkie

underneath my bed!

D'you know what I should've done? Picked it up, gone down and confronted him.

I didn't do that. I picked it up, went into my brother's room,

popped it under his bed.

FIENDISH CACKLE

Kids in the workplace obviously wouldn't work.

-How much would the whole jar be?

-£20,000.

Seven-year-olds just wanna get their funk on!

RAP MUSIC PLAYS

Arnold Schwarzenegger has made the news this week over an email.

-You're gonna love this story!

-Mh-hmm!

With California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger

sending a blunt message in a letter explaining a veto.

What's all the fuss about?

The first letter of each line of the text

clearly spells, "F-blank-blank-K you."

And what does Arnie make of this?

CHUCKLES

This isn't the first time he's left a hidden message, I've been through his bins.

This is from a climate change bill:

This is from a letter about health reform:

And this is him just bragging:

He's a straight talker. He does it in print AND in person.

He slammed Obama.

I want to invite Senator Obama.

Because he needs to do something... CHEERING

..he needs to do something about those skinny legs!

And I'm gonna give him a biceps course

to beef up those scrawny little arms.

He mocked our dear Boris.

By the time the next election comes, in...

Uh, by the time... Rather, not the next election,

we never know when that will come! By the time the election for London Mayor comes...

I tell you what, he has got NO time for cross-dressing accountants!

Don't be economic, girly-man!

This is the unbelievable story that police in Sussex

have been given a Gok Wan-style makeover!

I tell you what, this is gonna change The Bill!

MUSIC: Theme tune from "The Bill"

You've gotta feel sorry for the force.

Imagine turning up to a crime scene like this:

DISTANT SHOUTING

-Get down on the ground!

-On the floor! ON THE FLOOR!

You look a-maz-ing!

I know!

Right, that was me in hot pants!

If I was a copper I wouldn't want new clothes, I'd want a taser!

Wouldn't that be brilliant? "Hey, old lady?" Rrrraaaaarrgh!

I'm obsessed with tasers, but you could not trust me with one.

I would be like these guys.

-TASER GUNS RATTLE

-Urgh! Oh, fuck!

Argh! Aaargh!

I tell you what, I'd love to do that to my mates.

You could make them sound like a wookie!

Taser, taser, taser!

-TASER GUN RATTLES

-U-u-u-whoo-ooh-ooh-uuurgh!

Now, this next story really pisses me off.

Parents at a park in Watford which is run by the council

have been banned from attending play sessions

following the Government's introduction of criminal record checks.

So what that means is, you can't go to a playground and watch your own child play

in case you're a paedophile.

I hate this pathetic assumption that we're all guilty of crimes we would never commit.

We look at lots of things, we don't wanna have sex with them!

I go to the zoo a lot, I don't wanna rim a gibbon!

I like the "compare the meerkat" advert, I don't get a boner when he says, "Simples!"

Why should your family have to take a test just to be near you?!

"Sorry, Granddad, I can't come for a walk, you can't be trusted.

"And besides, I'm a right looker!"

It's bullshit! Granddads are amazing!

They shouldn't have to put up with this:

What does that test consist of?!

Are they gonna put them near a trampoline and see if they dribble?

"He's sweating! Call the nonce police!"

When will this rampant paranoia end?

If you look closely, you'll notice it is a lovely baby boy.

Are you looking at my lad, naked?

-I beg your pardon?

-He's looking at his dick, Tone.

-I wasn't!

-I'm a paediatrician.

-I knew it!

LAUGHTER

It'd depressing. We're made to feel sinister

just because kids provide us with happiness.

28 million people have watched this clip, not because we fancy him

but because, for some reason we can't explain,

it makes us feel warm inside.

Blom!

BABY LAUGHS

Bloom!

HE LAUGHS HARDER

If you didn't laugh, you're a paedo.

LAUGHTER

# All about chemistry

# Won't you show me everything you know? #

'Science is on the verge of making mankind's dream

'of having more time a reality.

'Inventor, Ray Kurzweil, thinks that one day

-'humans may be able to live for ever.'

-Yes!

This is the story that, within 20 years,

we might be able to live for ever.

Knowing my luck, I'll probably get hit by a bus in 19 years.

It nearly happened the other day.

Close. Not the first time I've cheated death this week.

Hey, Death, what's that?

Apparently, the way we'll be able to live for ever

is by getting bionic bodies.

If you could have any modifications to your body, what would you go for?

-What was that?

-Some wheels out of your feet.

Some wheels out your feet, that's it? There are heelys...

-You would settle for heelys?

-Yeah.

How easily pleased are you? God bless you. Anyone else?

Any other body modifications? What?

You'd like a jetpack? Where would you go with your jetpack?

-Anywhere.

-There you go, easily pleased!

I have a jetpack - ha-ha! To Ipswich.

THEY LAUGH

I'm living the dream.

That'd be great, having a jetpack and using it for menial tasks.

"I think I will go down Tesco."

You could go anywhere!

You and me, we'll have a double jetpack, where would we go?

-Las Vegas.

-And what's your name?

-Elliot.

-Elliot.

-I'm going to have to call you E man, all right?

-Yeah.

-How old are you, first?

-17.

-That's fine, it's legal. Sweet.

Do you want to come to Vegas with me?

-No, I'm OK now.

-Really?

Fuck you.

The chance of a lifetime,

-we could go to Vegas on jetpacks!

-"No, it's a school night, I can't."

I would love to live for ever, why would you not?

-Boring.

-It'd be boring? You could do anything, madam.

Yeah, imagine that.

Yeah, you'd do everything and then you'd do it again.

Do everything and that's it.

You'd get to do wild stuff, there's stuff you'll never do in life.

-Like this, come up here and dance with me.

-OK.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

We could do this 1,000 times.

-We've done that.

-OK.

-We could do this, that's never happened.

See? Wonderful fun! That was lovely.

-Nice to meet you, can I hug you?

-Yeah.

See? You can't do that... Again!

LAUGHTER

Live for ever, there's all sorts we can do.

Whatever science promises us,

some people still do it the old-fashioned way.

Real quickly, you're 91 years old, you look fantastic,

you look like you are in your late 60s, early 70s, what is the secret?

I don't dare tell you.

You don't eat meat.

(I piss the bed a lot.)

OK...

LAUGHTER

Thank you, Ernie.

# I'm not sick but I'm not well. #

Now, with a quarter of the population obese,

the Government has joined forces with Nintendo.

Can a computer game make your healthier?

The NHS has given its approval to the Nintendo Wii Fit Plus,

saying it is a great way to get children moving.

LAUGHTER

That's gonna make trips to the doctor's different, isn't it?

"Do I need surgery?" "No, you need Mario Kart."

Apparently this guy was livid.

LAUGHTER

They say the Wii can do wonders for your physique.

Woo! Woo!

Oh, shit, he's at me, folks.

Boom, right in the kisser, I got him.

I think I speak for the entire nation

when I say what a fat (BLEEP)!

LAUGHTER

He doesn't need a Wii, he needs a bra.

Here's me attacking computer games,

I sound like Glenn Beck from Fox News.

In Grand Theft Auto, your son or your husband or your boyfriend, whoever,

can hire a prostitute, have sex with her

and then beat her to death with a baseball bat.

It doesn't mean it happens in real life.

I've played Tiger Woods Golf,

I've never blacked up and won the US Open.

LAUGHTER

It is ridiculous, isn't it?

"Where is your brother, Russ?"

"He went looking for some rings, Mum, dressed as a blue hedgehog."

When a police officer comes after him,

he can either light that police officer on fire

or cut him in half with a chainsaw.

Makes you want to do it, it's weird.

What he doesn't know, there's a bit of the game

where you can knock someone out with a dildo,

I've never done it, but that's a Crimewatch

we'd all stay up to watch, isn't it?

Just some bloke making his way in, KACHUNK!

Computer games can't replace real sports.

With a football, you can play anywhere, even near a police van.

Goal!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This week, a man in India is suing Lynx,

because he hasn't had a date in seven years.

Who are these muppets that think adverts are real?

Are they sat there going,

"Dear Red Bull, your product does not give you wings.

"I jumped off my house, so now I poo through a tube."

And do people honestly go, "I won't buy Lurpak,

"I don't want this butter man playing the trombone in my fridge.

"What if I open the door and he's balls deep in my cheddar?"

LAUGHTER

I tell you who isn't struggling with the ladies, this guy!

# Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic

# Touch me on me butt she says I'm Mr Ro... "

This is a 112-year-old Somali man and his 17-year-old bride.

Liar!

How funny would that wedding be?

"I'd like to raise a toast to many happy years...

"Just enjoy yourselves today."

Imagine the wedding night?

I don't wanna get bad taste but how brilliant would that be?

Him taking her up the stairs on a Stannah Stairlift.

The sex would be amazing,

if he did manage to blow his spuds, it would just be....

puh...

It'd be like she'd headbutted muesli.

LAUGHTER

The Lynx guy must be furious.

Not a squeak for seven years

and this old goat has got more wives than he has teeth.

If anyone's gonna sue Lynx it should be me,

have you seen the chocolate guy? They've ripped it off me.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's Bonfire Night!

CHEERING

I don't know if you heard that, people at home.

There were people over there going, "Oooh!"

LAUGHTER

They're great, fireworks, they make you go, "Whooo!"

But sometimes, they make you go, "Argh!"

Whatever you do, don't try this at home.

I'm ready, I'm filming.

Oh, shit.

Aargh!

Ow! Ow! Ha ha! Ow!

"Dear Diary, never, ever put a firecracker in your ring."

I tell you what, he wouldn't have done that

if he'd seen this terrifying advert from my childhood.

Even a sparkler can be dangerous if you don't take care.

A sparkler stays hot even when it's out.

-Make sure your child...

-Arrrgh!

..doesn't start November 6th like this.

LAUGHTER

That's not even special effects, they actually burnt her.

Fingers look like Nik Naks.

Good laugh, hehehehe!

It's a cool time of year, Bonfire Night, Hallowe'en.

What I love about Hallowe'en, everyone's dressed up like the Devil.

Tell you who I feel sorry for...goths.

They must hate it, "Everyone's dressed like me."

Everyone loves Hallowe'en, including Barack Obama

-or, as he's better known on this show...

-Mr Long-Legged Mad Daddy.

The President threw a monster bash.

The White House turning a shade of orange,

and an odd cast of characters on the north lawn.

The chance for children to get their hands on some presidential candy.

More than 2,000 have been invited over.

I watched it, right. This little girl on the end of this next tape reminded me of myself.

I'm a devil.

-Devil?

-Yeah.

-I'm a princess.

-Graveyard fairy.

Did you hear that? Graveyard fairy.

I was exactly like that.

As I was a kid, leave it to the last minute, then make something up.

"What are you, Russ?" "Graveyard fairy."

One year, I went in a brown sleeping bag

and genuinely pretended I was Satan's turd pixie.

LAUGHTER

Not everyone's a fan of Hallowe'en. These guys really don't like a scare.

-Gotta love it...

-Love it.

-Arrrgh!

-The world!

-Who is that?

-How you going, Chucky Train?

-Aargh!

APPLAUSE

Terrifying news this week.

Do you know someone in Britain is attacked every 30 seconds?

The good news is that that figure will probably go down

now that Marlon King is in prison.

People are saying, "Oh, Russell, be careful, he's violent."

It doesn't matter, he won't hit me, I'm not a woman.

-CHUCKLING AND GROANING

-Oh, he's a dick.

Depressingly, Marlon will probably play football again,

but you know the crowds will absolutely hammer him.

Take it! Take it, football fans.

And share it around!

Now, for the final part of the show,

I've got a story that is heart-breakingly beautiful.

This little girl in this film proves that love is eternal.

During her nine-month battle with cancer, she was planning an even greater gift for her family.

She was thoughtfully hiding notes around the house, hundreds,

tucked in every corner to be discovered after she was gone.

We were moving some books around one day

and in between some of the books,

a note fell out.

I found some in my jeans, in my drawer, my clothes drawer.

Any scrap of paper she could find, even doodling on her mother's cancelled cheques.

Each time I would read one of those notes, it was...

..like a little hug from her.

Isn't that lovely, man?

It makes you wanna just hug everyone you love.

Hope you enjoyed the show. Goodnight.

APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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