Episode 3 Russell Howard's Good News


Episode 3

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello!

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Hello! Welcome to Good News.

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Each week, I'll be trawling the world for stories that make you laugh.

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It's been a strange week at the Beeb.

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Susanna Reid has been stroking an invisible cat...

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Those are the main stories. Still to come - celebrating Woodstock...

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Bill Turnbull has been beat-boxing...

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HE SNEEZES

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-I like to...

-HE SNEEZES

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What's lovely about that, if you look closely, Kate Silverton was enjoying it so much,

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she was touching herself!

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LAUGHTER

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Over a working lunch, the staff have been stealing...

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Welcome to Working Lunch...

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LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

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Highlight of the week - did you see Michael Caine?

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He warned Al-Qaeda to stay away from Greggs.

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Don't destroy the people who are making the bloody cake!

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LAUGHTER

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And stay out of bloody Nando's!

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Over in America, not everyone is concerned with the recession.

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I'm homeless. I have no place to go...

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HE LAUGHS

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He's got nothing!

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Great news, Jonathan Charles is back.

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Where has he been all this time?

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I'm Jonathan Charles, kept hidden for almost two decades and forced to bare children!

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The Kelly Report was out this week, in which he recommends what MPs will be allowed to claim for in future,

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because over the last few years, they've really taken the piss.

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-Piano tuning.

-Bath plugs.

-Chandeliers.

-Garden maintenance.

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-Swimming pool boiler.

-Rat-catcher.

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-Housekeeper.

-Dog food.

-Horse manure.

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-KitKats.

-Light bulbs.

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-Moat repairs.

-Sit-on lawnmower.

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-A broken toilet.

-And a helipad.

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We absolutely won't let them off the hook.

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Even animal sob stories won't win over the public.

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I paid back the money for the dog food -

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it was a genuine mistake - immediately.

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And I have apologised for it.

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So you didn't give them it?

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-Both of my dogs are dead.

-Oh, really?

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AUDIENCE JEERS

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Oh, dear.

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-Well, they happened to be...

-You should have given more food to the dogs.

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LAUGHTER

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It is hard to have sympathy when they are saying things like this.

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Don't compare yourself to the Holocaust, you dick!

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That's like stubbing your toe and going, "Agh! I feel just like Heather Mills!"

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LAUGHTER

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Makes no sense, you know?

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And the thing is, it winds you up, doesn't it?

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My dad went mad! Seriously, he sent me an e-mail that said this.

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"Son, do you know what they should do with that bastard?"

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This is what my dad said!

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"They should dip his balls in gravy

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"and drag him through a wolf enclosure.

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"See what you can do about it!" Like...

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My dad has the insane belief that, just cos I'm on telly,

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I can break into a man's house,

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somehow convince him to teabag a jar of Bisto

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and then lure him to a wolf enclosure!

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If I had those skills, I would not be doing this.

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I would be some kind of ball-based ninja!

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It is "dad logic". This is my favourite.

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"Son, I have worked out how to stop suicide bombers."

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"Have you, Dad?"

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"Yeah!

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"We air-drop photos of Susan Boyle over Afghanistan

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"with a note that says, 'not all virgins are lookers.' "

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LAUGHTER

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# ..You're driving me crazy

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# Goodness, gracious Great balls of fire! #

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Congratulations to Wayne Rooney on the birth of his first son, Kai.

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Did you know that Rooney slept in the fathers' room of the hospital overnight?

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If I was a night porter there,

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my phone would be full of photos of Rooney asleep

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and me above him going like that...

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Bookies have already offered odds of 1,000-1 for him to be the future Prime Minister.

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Now, it is ridiculous, but I say all of us stick a grand on him,

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when he is 18, we vote for him.

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That's 1 million quid each, isn't it?

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It is not impossible. We've done it with these guys.

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Tennis superstar Andre Agassi has his autobiography out this week. Why is everybody talking about it?

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Eight-times Grand Slam winner, Andre Agassi has revealed

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he used crystal meth at one stage of his career.

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Maybe it was this stage...

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Mm-mm-hm-mm-mm! But the beautiful thing is,

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it never affected his serve!

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LAUGHTER

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If drugs ARE rife in tennis, rule number one - put your dealer on the front row.

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COMMENTATOR: Well, I don't know where he's going. I have never seen anything like this.

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I am quite sure that this has never happened on Wimbledon Centre Court before.

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What he doesn't know is that his dealer has given the mushrooms to this guy...

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# Fun and laughter on a summer holiday... #

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Imagine playing tennis on drugs?!

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Touch me again and I will bite you...

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Did you read the description that Agassi gave of crystal meth?

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Wow! What did you do? Shag strippers? Drive a Rolls into a pool?!

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He tidied up?!

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If crystal meth makes you tidy, God knows what these two are on!

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Honestly, they absolutely love it.

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Hang on. I've got to have a sniff... AUDIENCE GROANS

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I know you're not supposed to laugh at drug stories, but sometimes you can't help it.

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When I was at uni, I was playing football and a ball rolled under the hedge.

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There was a man in the hedge - naked. This is true.

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He looked at me, whilst naked, and went, "Never sniff glue."

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LAUGHTER

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Do you know what? I haven't!

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It isn't just tennis players falling off the wagon. Look at this guy.

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Did you see this story?

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A hedgehog had been treated in an animal hospital

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after getting drunk on fermenting apples. That is a fantastic story.

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AUDIENCE: Aw...

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Don't aw! I'd love to see a pissed hedgehog. Imagine that!

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Him waking up the next morning, he goes, "Ahhh...

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"Agh...agh!

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"Ah...

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"Oh, no...

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"I've shagged a hairbrush...

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SNIGGERS

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"..again..."

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Wouldn't that be great? His mates go, "Oh, Tony you should've seen it last night.

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"We were putting cheese and pineapple on your face."

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GROANS

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"Stop it, my head hurts!"

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"They covered you in bubble wrap!"

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Wouldn't that be amazing? "Argh! Argh! Stop it! Argh!"

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We shouldn't get bothered about this!

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Apparently he was taken to some hedgehog version of The Priory. Why?!

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I could understand it if it was a slug

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doing a tequila slammer.

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That's fine.

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"Salt, lime... Aaargh! Urgh!

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"I'm melting!

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"I should have had a Guinness!"

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The next time you see a happy slap, this may be the reason why.

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Yes, it's true, researchers have discovered

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that kids who eat too much candy are more likely to be arrested

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for violent behaviour, later as adults.

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What next? Health warnings on chocolate?

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"A Mars a day helps you work, rest and slay."

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Moms and dads who bribe their brats into good behaviour with candy

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could be doing harm and should probably be shot with a crossbow.

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That seems a bit harsh!

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There's some chocolate... Good boy!

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-TWANG!

-Urgh!

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Can it get worse for kids? Yes, it can.

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Because the Government are trying to get them to work.

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Children as young as seven are set to receive careers advice

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from primary schools, as part of a Government strategy

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to raise aspirations and break down barriers to social mobility.

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I'd love to see that, wouldn't you?

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"So what do you want to be?" "Dragon!"

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How could you possibly know what career you want when you're seven?!

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"D'you wanna be an engineer?"

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"Mate, I can't even think about a career. There's a monster in my cupboard."

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It wasn't just the cupboard with me. I genuinely remember one night when I was seven,

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I was in bed, I suddenly heard in the darkness, "Greetings, Russell!"

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You can't think about a job when you're dealing with a bed goblin!

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It was only a week later I realised my dad had hidden a walkie-talkie

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underneath my bed!

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D'you know what I should've done? Picked it up, gone down and confronted him.

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I didn't do that. I picked it up, went into my brother's room,

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popped it under his bed.

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FIENDISH CACKLE

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Kids in the workplace obviously wouldn't work.

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-How much would the whole jar be?

-£20,000.

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Seven-year-olds just wanna get their funk on!

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RAP MUSIC PLAYS

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Arnold Schwarzenegger has made the news this week over an email.

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-You're gonna love this story!

-Mh-hmm!

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With California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger

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sending a blunt message in a letter explaining a veto.

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What's all the fuss about?

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The first letter of each line of the text

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clearly spells, "F-blank-blank-K you."

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And what does Arnie make of this?

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CHUCKLES

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This isn't the first time he's left a hidden message, I've been through his bins.

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This is from a climate change bill:

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This is from a letter about health reform:

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And this is him just bragging:

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He's a straight talker. He does it in print AND in person.

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He slammed Obama.

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I want to invite Senator Obama.

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Because he needs to do something... CHEERING

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..he needs to do something about those skinny legs!

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And I'm gonna give him a biceps course

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to beef up those scrawny little arms.

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He mocked our dear Boris.

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By the time the next election comes, in...

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Uh, by the time... Rather, not the next election,

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we never know when that will come! By the time the election for London Mayor comes...

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I tell you what, he has got NO time for cross-dressing accountants!

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Don't be economic, girly-man!

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This is the unbelievable story that police in Sussex

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have been given a Gok Wan-style makeover!

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I tell you what, this is gonna change The Bill!

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MUSIC: Theme tune from "The Bill"

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You've gotta feel sorry for the force.

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Imagine turning up to a crime scene like this:

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DISTANT SHOUTING

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-Get down on the ground!

-On the floor! ON THE FLOOR!

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You look a-maz-ing!

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I know!

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Right, that was me in hot pants!

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If I was a copper I wouldn't want new clothes, I'd want a taser!

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Wouldn't that be brilliant? "Hey, old lady?" Rrrraaaaarrgh!

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I'm obsessed with tasers, but you could not trust me with one.

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I would be like these guys.

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-TASER GUNS RATTLE

-Urgh! Oh, fuck!

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Argh! Aaargh!

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I tell you what, I'd love to do that to my mates.

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You could make them sound like a wookie!

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Taser, taser, taser!

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-TASER GUN RATTLES

-U-u-u-whoo-ooh-ooh-uuurgh!

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Now, this next story really pisses me off.

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Parents at a park in Watford which is run by the council

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have been banned from attending play sessions

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following the Government's introduction of criminal record checks.

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So what that means is, you can't go to a playground and watch your own child play

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in case you're a paedophile.

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I hate this pathetic assumption that we're all guilty of crimes we would never commit.

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We look at lots of things, we don't wanna have sex with them!

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I go to the zoo a lot, I don't wanna rim a gibbon!

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I like the "compare the meerkat" advert, I don't get a boner when he says, "Simples!"

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Why should your family have to take a test just to be near you?!

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"Sorry, Granddad, I can't come for a walk, you can't be trusted.

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"And besides, I'm a right looker!"

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It's bullshit! Granddads are amazing!

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They shouldn't have to put up with this:

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What does that test consist of?!

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Are they gonna put them near a trampoline and see if they dribble?

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"He's sweating! Call the nonce police!"

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When will this rampant paranoia end?

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If you look closely, you'll notice it is a lovely baby boy.

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Are you looking at my lad, naked?

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-I beg your pardon?

-He's looking at his dick, Tone.

-I wasn't!

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-I'm a paediatrician.

-I knew it!

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LAUGHTER

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It'd depressing. We're made to feel sinister

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just because kids provide us with happiness.

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28 million people have watched this clip, not because we fancy him

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but because, for some reason we can't explain,

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it makes us feel warm inside.

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Blom!

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BABY LAUGHS

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Bloom!

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HE LAUGHS HARDER

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If you didn't laugh, you're a paedo.

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LAUGHTER

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# All about chemistry

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# Won't you show me everything you know? #

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'Science is on the verge of making mankind's dream

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'of having more time a reality.

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'Inventor, Ray Kurzweil, thinks that one day

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-'humans may be able to live for ever.'

-Yes!

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This is the story that, within 20 years,

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we might be able to live for ever.

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Knowing my luck, I'll probably get hit by a bus in 19 years.

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It nearly happened the other day.

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Close. Not the first time I've cheated death this week.

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Hey, Death, what's that?

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Apparently, the way we'll be able to live for ever

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is by getting bionic bodies.

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If you could have any modifications to your body, what would you go for?

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-What was that?

-Some wheels out of your feet.

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Some wheels out your feet, that's it? There are heelys...

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-You would settle for heelys?

-Yeah.

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How easily pleased are you? God bless you. Anyone else?

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Any other body modifications? What?

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You'd like a jetpack? Where would you go with your jetpack?

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-Anywhere.

-There you go, easily pleased!

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I have a jetpack - ha-ha! To Ipswich.

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THEY LAUGH

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I'm living the dream.

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That'd be great, having a jetpack and using it for menial tasks.

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"I think I will go down Tesco."

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You could go anywhere!

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You and me, we'll have a double jetpack, where would we go?

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-Las Vegas.

-And what's your name?

-Elliot.

-Elliot.

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-I'm going to have to call you E man, all right?

-Yeah.

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-How old are you, first?

-17.

-That's fine, it's legal. Sweet.

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Do you want to come to Vegas with me?

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-No, I'm OK now.

-Really?

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Fuck you.

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The chance of a lifetime,

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-we could go to Vegas on jetpacks!

-"No, it's a school night, I can't."

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I would love to live for ever, why would you not?

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-Boring.

-It'd be boring? You could do anything, madam.

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Yeah, imagine that.

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Yeah, you'd do everything and then you'd do it again.

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Do everything and that's it.

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You'd get to do wild stuff, there's stuff you'll never do in life.

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-Like this, come up here and dance with me.

-OK.

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AUDIENCE CHEERS

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We could do this 1,000 times.

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-We've done that.

-OK.

-We could do this, that's never happened.

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See? Wonderful fun! That was lovely.

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-Nice to meet you, can I hug you?

-Yeah.

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See? You can't do that... Again!

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LAUGHTER

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Live for ever, there's all sorts we can do.

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Whatever science promises us,

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some people still do it the old-fashioned way.

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Real quickly, you're 91 years old, you look fantastic,

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you look like you are in your late 60s, early 70s, what is the secret?

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I don't dare tell you.

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You don't eat meat.

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(I piss the bed a lot.)

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OK...

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LAUGHTER

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Thank you, Ernie.

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# I'm not sick but I'm not well. #

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Now, with a quarter of the population obese,

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the Government has joined forces with Nintendo.

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Can a computer game make your healthier?

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The NHS has given its approval to the Nintendo Wii Fit Plus,

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saying it is a great way to get children moving.

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LAUGHTER

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That's gonna make trips to the doctor's different, isn't it?

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"Do I need surgery?" "No, you need Mario Kart."

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Apparently this guy was livid.

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LAUGHTER

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They say the Wii can do wonders for your physique.

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Woo! Woo!

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Oh, shit, he's at me, folks.

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Boom, right in the kisser, I got him.

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I think I speak for the entire nation

0:19:300:19:33

when I say what a fat (BLEEP)!

0:19:330:19:35

LAUGHTER

0:19:350:19:37

He doesn't need a Wii, he needs a bra.

0:19:410:19:45

Here's me attacking computer games,

0:19:450:19:47

I sound like Glenn Beck from Fox News.

0:19:470:19:49

In Grand Theft Auto, your son or your husband or your boyfriend, whoever,

0:19:490:19:55

can hire a prostitute, have sex with her

0:19:550:19:58

and then beat her to death with a baseball bat.

0:19:580:20:01

It doesn't mean it happens in real life.

0:20:010:20:04

I've played Tiger Woods Golf,

0:20:040:20:06

I've never blacked up and won the US Open.

0:20:060:20:08

LAUGHTER

0:20:080:20:10

It is ridiculous, isn't it?

0:20:140:20:16

"Where is your brother, Russ?"

0:20:190:20:21

"He went looking for some rings, Mum, dressed as a blue hedgehog."

0:20:210:20:24

When a police officer comes after him,

0:20:240:20:27

he can either light that police officer on fire

0:20:270:20:30

or cut him in half with a chainsaw.

0:20:300:20:32

Makes you want to do it, it's weird.

0:20:320:20:35

What he doesn't know, there's a bit of the game

0:20:350:20:37

where you can knock someone out with a dildo,

0:20:370:20:40

I've never done it, but that's a Crimewatch

0:20:400:20:42

we'd all stay up to watch, isn't it?

0:20:420:20:44

Just some bloke making his way in, KACHUNK!

0:20:440:20:47

Computer games can't replace real sports.

0:20:470:20:49

With a football, you can play anywhere, even near a police van.

0:20:490:20:53

Goal!

0:20:580:20:59

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:21:040:21:06

This week, a man in India is suing Lynx,

0:21:130:21:16

because he hasn't had a date in seven years.

0:21:160:21:19

Who are these muppets that think adverts are real?

0:21:190:21:23

Are they sat there going,

0:21:230:21:24

"Dear Red Bull, your product does not give you wings.

0:21:240:21:28

"I jumped off my house, so now I poo through a tube."

0:21:280:21:31

And do people honestly go, "I won't buy Lurpak,

0:21:310:21:35

"I don't want this butter man playing the trombone in my fridge.

0:21:350:21:38

"What if I open the door and he's balls deep in my cheddar?"

0:21:380:21:42

LAUGHTER

0:21:420:21:44

I tell you who isn't struggling with the ladies, this guy!

0:21:440:21:46

# Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic

0:21:460:21:49

# Touch me on me butt she says I'm Mr Ro... "

0:21:490:21:53

This is a 112-year-old Somali man and his 17-year-old bride.

0:21:530:21:59

Liar!

0:21:590:22:00

How funny would that wedding be?

0:22:000:22:02

"I'd like to raise a toast to many happy years...

0:22:020:22:06

"Just enjoy yourselves today."

0:22:060:22:08

Imagine the wedding night?

0:22:080:22:10

I don't wanna get bad taste but how brilliant would that be?

0:22:100:22:13

Him taking her up the stairs on a Stannah Stairlift.

0:22:130:22:18

The sex would be amazing,

0:22:180:22:19

if he did manage to blow his spuds, it would just be....

0:22:190:22:22

puh...

0:22:220:22:24

It'd be like she'd headbutted muesli.

0:22:250:22:28

LAUGHTER

0:22:280:22:30

The Lynx guy must be furious.

0:22:300:22:32

Not a squeak for seven years

0:22:320:22:33

and this old goat has got more wives than he has teeth.

0:22:330:22:37

If anyone's gonna sue Lynx it should be me,

0:22:370:22:39

have you seen the chocolate guy? They've ripped it off me.

0:22:390:22:43

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:22:500:22:52

It's Bonfire Night!

0:22:570:22:59

CHEERING

0:22:590:23:02

I don't know if you heard that, people at home.

0:23:030:23:06

There were people over there going, "Oooh!"

0:23:060:23:07

LAUGHTER

0:23:070:23:09

They're great, fireworks, they make you go, "Whooo!"

0:23:090:23:12

But sometimes, they make you go, "Argh!"

0:23:120:23:16

Whatever you do, don't try this at home.

0:23:160:23:19

I'm ready, I'm filming.

0:23:190:23:21

Oh, shit.

0:23:230:23:24

Aargh!

0:23:280:23:30

Ow! Ow! Ha ha! Ow!

0:23:320:23:36

"Dear Diary, never, ever put a firecracker in your ring."

0:23:410:23:45

I tell you what, he wouldn't have done that

0:23:450:23:47

if he'd seen this terrifying advert from my childhood.

0:23:470:23:50

Even a sparkler can be dangerous if you don't take care.

0:23:500:23:55

A sparkler stays hot even when it's out.

0:23:550:23:58

-Make sure your child...

-Arrrgh!

0:23:580:24:00

..doesn't start November 6th like this.

0:24:000:24:03

LAUGHTER

0:24:030:24:06

That's not even special effects, they actually burnt her.

0:24:080:24:11

Fingers look like Nik Naks.

0:24:110:24:13

Good laugh, hehehehe!

0:24:150:24:17

It's a cool time of year, Bonfire Night, Hallowe'en.

0:24:170:24:20

What I love about Hallowe'en, everyone's dressed up like the Devil.

0:24:200:24:23

Tell you who I feel sorry for...goths.

0:24:230:24:25

They must hate it, "Everyone's dressed like me."

0:24:250:24:28

Everyone loves Hallowe'en, including Barack Obama

0:24:300:24:33

-or, as he's better known on this show...

-Mr Long-Legged Mad Daddy.

0:24:330:24:36

The President threw a monster bash.

0:24:370:24:40

The White House turning a shade of orange,

0:24:400:24:43

and an odd cast of characters on the north lawn.

0:24:430:24:46

The chance for children to get their hands on some presidential candy.

0:24:460:24:50

More than 2,000 have been invited over.

0:24:500:24:52

I watched it, right. This little girl on the end of this next tape reminded me of myself.

0:24:520:24:57

I'm a devil.

0:24:570:24:59

-Devil?

-Yeah.

0:24:590:25:01

-I'm a princess.

-Graveyard fairy.

0:25:010:25:03

Did you hear that? Graveyard fairy.

0:25:030:25:05

I was exactly like that.

0:25:050:25:06

As I was a kid, leave it to the last minute, then make something up.

0:25:060:25:10

"What are you, Russ?" "Graveyard fairy."

0:25:100:25:13

One year, I went in a brown sleeping bag

0:25:130:25:16

and genuinely pretended I was Satan's turd pixie.

0:25:160:25:19

LAUGHTER

0:25:190:25:20

Not everyone's a fan of Hallowe'en. These guys really don't like a scare.

0:25:200:25:24

-Gotta love it...

-Love it.

-Arrrgh!

0:25:240:25:27

-The world!

-Who is that?

0:25:300:25:31

-How you going, Chucky Train?

-Aargh!

0:25:350:25:38

APPLAUSE

0:25:430:25:44

Terrifying news this week.

0:25:500:25:52

Do you know someone in Britain is attacked every 30 seconds?

0:25:520:25:56

The good news is that that figure will probably go down

0:25:560:25:59

now that Marlon King is in prison.

0:25:590:26:01

People are saying, "Oh, Russell, be careful, he's violent."

0:26:010:26:04

It doesn't matter, he won't hit me, I'm not a woman.

0:26:040:26:07

-CHUCKLING AND GROANING

-Oh, he's a dick.

0:26:070:26:09

Depressingly, Marlon will probably play football again,

0:26:090:26:14

but you know the crowds will absolutely hammer him.

0:26:140:26:17

Take it! Take it, football fans.

0:26:320:26:35

And share it around!

0:26:350:26:37

Now, for the final part of the show,

0:26:370:26:39

I've got a story that is heart-breakingly beautiful.

0:26:390:26:43

This little girl in this film proves that love is eternal.

0:26:430:26:47

During her nine-month battle with cancer, she was planning an even greater gift for her family.

0:26:490:26:53

She was thoughtfully hiding notes around the house, hundreds,

0:26:530:26:57

tucked in every corner to be discovered after she was gone.

0:26:570:27:01

We were moving some books around one day

0:27:010:27:04

and in between some of the books,

0:27:040:27:07

a note fell out.

0:27:070:27:09

I found some in my jeans, in my drawer, my clothes drawer.

0:27:090:27:13

Any scrap of paper she could find, even doodling on her mother's cancelled cheques.

0:27:130:27:18

Each time I would read one of those notes, it was...

0:27:180:27:21

..like a little hug from her.

0:27:230:27:25

Isn't that lovely, man?

0:27:250:27:26

It makes you wanna just hug everyone you love.

0:27:260:27:30

Hope you enjoyed the show. Goodnight.

0:27:300:27:32

APPLAUSE

0:27:320:27:36

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:440:27:47

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0:27:470:27:50

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