Episode 4 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello! Hello!

Hello and welcome to Good News.

Every week I'll be searching up hill and down dale

for stories that make you laugh.

So what have we learned this week?

Never let a blind man choose where he gets interviewed.

How important is traffic noise?

LAUGHTER

-Well, it's absolutely...

-CAR HORN TOOTS

LAUGHTER

Tell you what, the remake of Jurassic Park looks rubbish.

MUSIC: "Jurassic Park" Theme Tune

Over at CBS, the graphics guy had an absolute nightmare.

'16-year-old Molly Bush disappeared while on her life guard job

'in a pond in Warren, back in June of 2000.

'The possible suspect Rodney Stanger, seen here...

'Well, this is not Rodney Stanger, obviously.'

That's not the real Rodney Stanger. THIS is.

LAUGHTER

There's been a lot of erotic texting at BBC News.

Shall I tell you what young Sian texted me Saturday night?

-Go on.

-I said "You nailed it. Now close your mouth."

LAUGHTER

My highlight of the week - Colonel Gadaffi's interview.

Leader Gadaffi. Thank you very much indeed for agreeing to talk with Sky News today.

The first question to you is with regard to Iran.

Leader Gadaffi, thank you very much.

APPLAUSE

The world is full of crime-fighting heroes.

Gotham had Batman, New York had Spiderman,

and London has got Boris!

# I need a hero

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE # I'm holding out for a hero

# till the end of the night

# He's got to be strong and he's got to be fast

# And he's got to be fresh from the fight

# I need a hero... #

What a fantastic story.

'On Monday night, Franny Armstrong was walking home in Camden.

'A gang of youths surrounded her and threatened her.'

They came with a big iron bar.

So I was like, "OK. Not funny," for about two seconds.

And then a cyclist came by and I was like, "Excuse me. Could you help me?"

And he stopped. And I was like, "It's Boris!"

LAUGHTER

-MIMIC BORIS JOHNSON:

-Hello!

He chased the thugs away and then he shouted this at them...

Genuine.

He shouted, "Oiks!"

Classic Johnson.

Imagine fighting Boris. It would be like getting twatted by a thesaurus!

"Yay! You'll run, rapscallions. You ne'er-do-wells.

"You blaggards!"

"He started hitting me, man and then told me I was a flibbertigibbet."

LAUGHTER

So he rescued her. Was she grateful?

We got into a conversation about our climate change campaign 1010.

So I asked him whether he was going to cut his emissions by 10% next year and he said yes.

Cheeky bitch!

LAUGHTER

He's just saved you from a kicking and now you're giving him a lecture!

And then you go and make the whole thing weirdly sexual.

If you're stuck in a dark alley...

it's Boris you'd want.

-LAUGHTER

-What?

APPLAUSE

Make your mind up!

Do you want him to offset his carbon,

or do you want to touch his Johnson?

-LAUGHTER

-Ole!

Saving a damson in distress can only happen to Boris.

He could slap a woman on the arse and she'd go, "Thanks. I was choking."

LAUGHTER

This kind of thing would never happen to Gordon Brown. He has no luck.

We'd brrr in his face. "Brrrr." Poor guy.

He could save a child from a burning orphanage

and you'd know the next day the papers would go...

Boris is the nation's favourite uncle. It doesn't matter what you think of him politically

you'd love to go for a drink with him. You'd end up naked in a canoe full of strawberries

with Boris going, "Come on! Let's go to Buckingham Palace

"and fire a corgi out of a canon. Ooo-ooh!"

And you would.

LAUGHTER

Hey! I wonder how Colonel Gadaffi's interview's coming along.

If Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is determined to have the leader's shirt

with Africa emblazoned on it, what would your advice to him then be?

Thank you very much.

This week marks the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall.

Did you see what they did to celebrate?

'These dominoes are now making their way towards the Brandenburg Gate,

'it's a mile long.

'And, er, simulating, of course, the fall of communism across Eastern Europe.'

Hilarious. Dominoes to celebrate the wall coming down.

What if we solve famine?

-Hungry Hippos!

-LAUGHTER

We've cured Alzheimer.

Let's play Guess Who?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Hey, everybody. I've got rid of AIDS.

Gang bang!

LAUGHTER

That would be good, wouldn't it?

It must have been amazing when the wall fell.

Germany reunited after 28 years.

I didn't watch it. I was nine. This was on.

# Thunder, thunder, thunder Thunder Cats! #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

At least I was honest about where I was.

'Today President Sarkozy posted a picture of his younger self

'on Facebook,

'hammering away at the wall, this night, 20 years ago.

'Though French journalists are questioning whether he was really there when he said he was.'

He wasn't actually there?

Such a pointless lie.

"Were you there?" "Oui."

"Were you actually there?"

"No..."

LAUGHTER

But there you go. We've all claimed to be places we weren't.

LAUGHTER

We love it when Sarkozy cocks up, because we're jealous of him. Have you seen his wife?

Baby, come back.

I don't know about you, but whenever I see those two,

I can't help but think of these two...

LAUGHTER

It took 30 years to bring down the Berlin Wall.

They should have asked this guy.

# Trouble

# Oh, trouble, trouble, trouble... #

Poor bloke.

"Good day at work?"

HE SOBS

That wouldn't have happened if he'd watched this safety video

about Klaus the warehouse worker.

Now this is might be one of the most gruesome things I've ever seen.

I can't believe they actually use it.

Rule number one, Klaus - never start an engine when your mate's got his hands in it.

LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE SHRIEKS

APPLAUSE

It gets...

so much worse.

Klaus, be aware of others when transporting razor sharp metal.

AUDIENCE GROANS

HE SCREAMS

AUDIENCE: Ahh!

Aw, Klaus.

What a day you're having.

Could it get any worse?

WOLF WHISTLES, SPLAT

Wow!

KLAUS SCREAMS

Bye, Klaus!

APPLAUSE

So, Britain has a new heavyweight champion.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

'..David Haye beats Nikolai Valuev to win the World Heavyweight title.'

'Oh, he's going to keep going. With a left hook.

'David Haye is the WBA, Heavyweight Champion of the world.'

Did you watch the fight? How scary was Valuev?

It was like the Incredible Hulk had fucked a cement truck.

LAUGHTER

I was watching it. There was a point, I swear he looked directly at me just from the telly.

He just turned and went..."Ahhh."

And I'm not kidding, my penis actually yelped.

LAUGHTER

I enjoyed the fight so much I went on eBay and bought his dressing gown.

-Look at that!

-LAUGHTER

It cost me 200 quid. I would have got it cheaper

but I got into a bidding war with this weasel.

LAUGHTER

It was David Hayes' toughest fight yet. Mind you, his last opponent Monty Barrett

struggled to get into the ring.

Congratulations, Dave!

But let's be honest - the best thing about any boxing match is Don King.

I love him, but I haven't got a clue what he's on about.

Testicles is above the belt, not below.

If you don't have faith when you cast your bread upon the water,

you get back soggy bread.

It's gonna be grrreat.

Ever since we saw Jaws, we ain't likin' those sharks.

2K, 2K, rah, rah, rah.

We understand that when the shark come to eat the babies,

the shark gonna eat the babies.

He is right...but he can fight.

We'll fight him on the trenches, we'll fight him on the beaches

but we shall never, never surrender.

Long live the Queen.

# Music makes the people Come together... #

CHEERING

Hear that lovely reaction?

Jedward are still in the news.

"Jedward"! I wish they were called Peter and Rick, that'd be great.

LAUGHTER

I love the fact...

I love the fact there's probably people going, "Reter?"

"Ooooh!

"Very droll!"

I'm with David Haye on this one.

Flip a coin, I don't care. They'll both get knocked out.

Amen. People DO love them...

Jedward? You wanna know whether I would?

Of course! Just so I could say I've done it.

What sort of brag is that?!

It's like him going, "You know that Howard from the Halifax adverts?

"I've touched his balls!"

It's not just Matthew Wright - teenagers love them.

'As for the stars themselves,

'they don't seem to mind all the attention.

'Jedward have been encouraging fans, acting up in front of the windows.'

We used to call it wanking.

LAUGHTER

They've even made it onto the red carpet.

What's the song on Saturday? Can you tell us?

-Erm...

-No.

-Well, it's a movie song...

-If we said it,

you guys wouldn't look at the show and check us out.

We don't tune in for the song, you identical dicks!

It's like saying people watch Hollyoaks for the acting.

Do you know what Jedward are? They are the human equivalent

of the Crazy Frog.

This week marks the launch of a musical about the M1.

# With or without you... #

BBC Radio Northampton are auditioning for

Watford Gap The Musical, hoping to tap in on stories and talent

from the service station.

Stories from the service station?

What are they gonna sing about?

# I bought a pasty It cost me five quid

# Look, there's a turd On the toilet lid... #

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Not really a lot going on, is there?

M1 The Musical is so wonderfully lame.

What next? Family Planning The Musical?

MUSICAL-STYLE MUSIC

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Schools Minister Ed Balls has announced

his new sex education policy.

'It's now to be a legal requirement that schools teach sex education

'in primary schools. Five-year-olds will start with learning about

'parts of the body and relationships.

'From age seven, pupils will learn about puberty,

'and later they'll be taught the full facts of life.'

The best thing about stories like this,

there's always some moron blogging.

What if...

..the kids start falling about...

when they start learning this?

Nothing will happen, Mr Toad.

What if they get pregnant at six, seven, eight...?

How about you only give sex advice if you've had sex?

Every time he opens his pants, a moth flies out...

"Freedom!"

What's to get upset about?

Do people honestly believe that kids will skip home and go,

"Mother, have some wine and run a bath.

"Father, I'm going to show you how to ride that pony."

AUDIENCE GROANS

Five-year-olds?! It's impossible to teach a five-year-old about sex.

It's hard enough to get TEENAGERS to take it seriously.

Agh!

No wonder teenagers get pregnant.

"Don't think it goes on there, Dave!

"What do you know, Sharon?"

We wouldn't take the piss if the sex education videos weren't so ridiculous.

'You may have heard stories about how masturbation is harmful.

'But we know today that it cannot physically hurt you, no matter how often you do it.'

I remember watching this video at school - it was hilarious.

A young boy just asks random people about sex.

Um... I want to know about the male penis.

Excuse me?

I'd like to know about the male penis, please.

THEY GASP

"She was no help - I'm off to ask a cleaner at the zoo."

What can I do for you, there, son?

Well, son, I admire your candour.

You've come to the right man for the answer.

In this job, I see a lot of penises.

Animals' penises, that is.

ANIMAL penises?

Poor kid. He even hijacked his eye test.

All right, now,

cover one eye and read these letters.

You see...what I really wanna talk about is...

wet dreams.

Come on, Tommy she's an optician.

It's not like she's gonna have a huge diagram of a wang knocking about(!)

Let's see why it happens.

Imagine getting your eyes tested there -

"C...B...L... COCK!

"COCK! Massive cock!"

# That was just a dream Just a dream, dream... #

Here's a quote you don't expect to hear every day from a bishop.

That's right. Apparently, if Jesus were around today,

he'd shop in Aldi. I would love to see that.

"1p for beans - oh, my dad!

"And how cheap is the myrrh?!"

You'd see him there swaggering around buying a load of Volvic -

that's gonna be a dull party, Jesus!

"Oh, really?" - Whoosh! - "Merlot!"

Basically, they're trying to make him popular by saying he would enjoy budget shopping.

You wanna make him more appealing, get him on Britain's Got Talent -

he'd be brilliant! "Any Lepers in? Shazam!"

"I can juggle again!"

"'Course you can, baby - now juggle these!"

And he's got a great sob story - "I was born in a barn.

"I never knew my real dad."

Jesus in a supermarket!

What next, Buddha in High and Mighty? Ganesh in Claire's Accessories?

-"I'm gonna need a lot of gloves."

-LAUGHTER

It isn't just shopping...

Well done, a few people really got that.

It isn't just shopping, Christianity is pulling out all the stops.

Did you see this?

The bishop of St Albans is making a prayer podcast to help people cope

with their daily commute.

'What kind of prayers will they be?'

"UMBRELLA" BY RIHANNA PLAYS

'"Dear Lord, can I go ONE train journey

'"without hearing some prick play their bullshit music?

Give me the strength to endure Rihanna, because that is NOT how you spell 'umbrella'!"'

"Amen-en-en...oh, oh, oh..."

Surely, the one prayer we really want is this -

"Dear Lord, please, I'm on the train in the toilet and I'm not sure I've pressed the lock."

That is a horrible moment, isn't it?

You think you've locked it, but you're not quite sure.

You can't get up to press the lock -

you don't want to get caught like that...in the middle,

like some sort of filthy Bee Gee.

I've never been caught in that situation.

The only thing you can do to get out of it - go confident.

Literally, balls out confidence.

Door opens, "Greetings."

Pretend you've got a cat, really go for it.

"I've been expecting you.

"Unlock the door."

On public transport we don't need God, we need each other.

Instead of prayers, we should talk to each other.

I saw this when I was on the Tube.

There was a pregnant lady and her fella was rubbing her stomach.

He was going, "Daddy is rubbing Mummy's belly.

"I said Daddy is rubbing..."

I was sat there going, "That is so lovely!

"It represents everything I want in the world.

"Can I join in?

"Stranger is rubbing..."

These sixth formers are taking their Danish language exam

and, for the first time,

they can use the internet to answer questions.

Lucky sods, all I had was a calculator.

My mates were arseholes in exams.

If we had the internet they'd be sending me e-mails every five minutes.

Russ, have you seen this?

I'm trying to concentrate.

Your mum's e-mailed me!

Pack it in! That is not my mother!

Russ, I've found your house on ebay.

That's not funny, that's actually my house.

If anyone could do with help it's the kids from this recent survey in England.

These idiots also thought that "D-Day" was just a bad spelling of "Day".

And that No Man's Land was a lesbian club.

I hate stories like this, they only asked a few kids

and everyone gets tarred with the same brush.

It's like judging every adult by the people who appear on programmes like, It's Me Or The Dog.

They're not the same as us.

"My dog bites me every day, I've tried blowing on him

"and rubbing him with a brick, but it does nothing."

Then the person, "Have you tried giving him a walk?"

"It's like you've changed my life!"

Advertising is a competitive industry.

Agencies are always looking for ways to get their message across.

In New Zealand, Mitsubishi tried to attract customers with this:

"That's right, buy a truck, get a goat."

A Norwegian print company went with this:

Which is Norwegian for, "As cheap as your mum!"

Boom!

But my favourite has to be from the German ad agency

who have attached slogans to the legs of flies.

The maddest thing you've ever seen.

People hate flies.

When people see a fly they go...

They don't go, "Oh! L'Oreal!

"I am worth it."

We don't like them on our body and if they go in your mouth you go crazy.

What really happened on that Thursday at Augusta High School

that led to Chris Woods' death?

INDISTINCT

Shit!

I'm tired of this fucking country ass! Fuck that town!

Shit flying in my mouth!

I can't see...

Get the fuck out of this fucked up town.

What will this ad agency do next?

Have mice advertising Rentokil.

Dolphins advertising tuna.

Vaginal reconstruction on a camel's toe.

Did you see this?

This is pathetic, isn't it?

How pathetic is that?

You're on some exotic beach surrounded by beauties

and you've got your mum rubbing suntan lotion into your back.

"Factor 30, sweet prince, we don't want you peeling!"

I couldn't take my mum around the world.

She can barely handle the train journey to London.

She holds her ticket all the way from Bristol.

"You can let go."

"No way, no, no!"

"You can let go." "No, I'll go to prison."

"You will not go to prison."

"A sweet piece of ass like me - some big lezza I'd be her bitch!"

"I'm not putting it down, Russ!"

Also this report says 12% would rather take their teddy than their mobile.

Why? Are they useful in a crisis?

Give me your money, you English pig.

-Stand back!

-Or what?

HE SCREAMS

Gap years are so pretentious.

Toffs swanning around Cambodia, "Look, they're so poor!

"But they're so happy! I wish I had nothing.

"Look he's eating with his hands!

"Pass me the iPhone, I feel like blogging."

Blimey the Gaddafi interview's still going...

How did he feel when he heard that President Obama

had won the autobiography of Margaret Thatcher?

Leader Gaddafi, thank you very much.

Did you watch the jewel in Channel Four's winter crown?

If they hanged Glitter in real life, you know just before it happened

the whole crowd would start going,

# Come on, come on Come on, come on. #

I loved how they justified it. "It's a comment on corporal punishment."

Whatever, you called it The Execution Of Gary Glitter.

"No, it's about hypocrisy!"

You might as well have called it - Nonce In A Noose.

They rang him about the film. That's got to be the worst call

he's ever ever received, actually the second worst.

"Hello, Mr Glitter, it's PC World here, about your hard drive..."

Can TV be more shocking?

What will Channel 4 show us next?

Come Dine With Me with Hannibal Lecter?

Supernanny with Karen Matthews.

Or Grand Designs with Josef Fritzl?

It seems that every time we open the newspaper

we are greeted by cripplingly sad stories about young men

who've given their life in Afghanistan.

Some of them come back with horrific injuries. Do they mope?

Do they fuck? They climb mountains.

As day broke on Mount Kilimanjaro, these former soldiers were on top of the word.

They scaled the highest peak in Africa,

climbing to raise money for Help The Heroes.

I never thought I'd walk again, let alone do anything like this.

This is such a personal challenge for me.

Very emotional, there were points where

I didn't think I was going to make it.

Er... Yeah, nearly in tears.

A massive achievement for all, especially Lance Corporal Craig Lundberg,

left blinded by a grenade, but a soldier who's mastered the mountain.

That is truly inspiring.

Hope you enjoyed the show! Goodnight!

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