Episode 5 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language

This programme contains adult humour

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello. Thank you very much. Hello, welcome to Good News.

Every week I will go to infinity and beyond to find stories that make you laugh.

So, what have we learnt this week?

Tony Blair's memoirs look a bit basic.

This is my daddy.

This is my mummy.

This is Gordon Brown.

If you are going to pick your nose on telly, keep it subtle.

"I live in Sheffield and visited the city centre at the recent Fright Night event.

There were many people sitting on the memorial, taking no regard...

Shock of the week. Sian Williams revealed what Yoda shouted after she flashed him.

Very pretty they were.

The weather was so bad this week we were advised to take drugs.

You might need the glue this week.

But don't take too much, you'll end up like Eamonn Holmes.

-I sit like this all day.

-And read my lines.

I rock like a deranged polar bear.

Now, I love eccentrics.

There have been lovely oddballs on telly this week.

This next girl won a prize. See if you can tell when the penny dropped.

Today's kid reporter is...

Diedre Shores. It's you.

-It's you.

-It's you.

You won!

You are today's kid show reporter winner.

-You are the winner.

-Stop playing with me.

-You are the winner.

-Stop playing with me.

-You are the winner.

-Stop playing.

SHE SCREAMS

You just broke my ear drums.

Isn't it lovely? What a noise.

You know, there are dogs over Britain going, "make her stop."

The girl was good. This guy is better.

He is not getting his five a day.

For months this Peruvian man ate nails, coins and copper wire.

1.5lbs of it, now removed

-from his stomach.

-He looks like a pasty.

The 26-year-old construction worker said he ate alone.

Of course he ate alone.

He'd be rubbish on Come Dine With Me. This is just cutlery.

What's for pudding? Railings.

He must be the only guy ever to get a boner watching this.

I bet his mates were gutted they didn't know about his diet.

The fun could you have had with a bit of imagination and a magnet.

Boys, do you want to see the fastest moonwalk ever?

Every time he has a dump it must be like tipping up a wishing well.

-People...

-LAUGHTER

People say he's a pervert and should go to prison.

If he does, you pity the man who tries to bum him.

Ugh! AAAAGH!

You'd look like you had been sucked off by Austin Powers.

But, my favourite eccentric of the week was this old lady.

She's the oldest paper girl in the land, and definitely the funnest.

Oh, God.

Get in there.

She's fantastic. How have they rewarded this local celebrity?

Beryl delivers all the papers, all the national ones, but also the local paper, The Citizen.

And what do you know? She's on page three.

Here comes the best bit. This is how all interviews should be done.

On a bike, not giving a shit.

-Does it pay well

-No, not really.

-How much does it pay?

-Not a lot.

My holiday money comes out of my winnings.

-Your winnings?

-Yeah.

-The Lottery?

Did you win that £45 million?

You wouldn't see me here if I was.

-Do you think you'd get one?

-No.

We go around the corner.

Get in there.

She's wonderful, isn't she? What do her friends think of her?

-Oh, don't mention it.

-Hey!

She's into everything.

So, what are they doing in Japan to combat obesity?

Companies and local governments must measure the waistlines

of all employees and family members over the age of 40.

Men over 33.5 inches and women over 35 inches are considered overweight.

Basically, it's going to be illegal to be fat in Japan.

These guys are terrified.

Illegal to be fat. That will be pretty easy for the police. "Nobody move." "We can't!"

Put your hands above your head.

Ugh... Exercise.

Imagine that, "What are you in for?"

"I killed a man. You?" "Cheesecake."

Will fat people be driven underground? Welcome to Fat Club.

The first rule of Fat Club - you do not talk about Fat Club.

The second rule of Fat Club - num num num num num.

Chubbies have been outlawed. When I say chubbies, I mean fat people, not semi-erect boners.

How exactly are they tackling the problem over in Japan?

-One company gives every employee a pedometer.

-You could never have that here.

You tell a British bloke he needs a pedometer, he will punch you in the face.

"I do not fancy kids!"

If my boss gave me a pedometer I wouldn't wear it, I'd slam it on this guy.

ROCKY THEME TUNE

Hours of fun. Pedometers are just part of it. Look at this.

Another company has employees take pictures of each meal they eat.

E-mailing them to experts who check the calorie charts and report back.

What good or bad choices were made.

I'd love to see the photos we'd send in.

That's what we'd do. I think this is all a bit unfair.

Most fat people are happy enough. Do these guys look bothered?

Here's a great story for the whole family to enjoy.

It's brilliant, isn't it?

You've got to admire the Spanish style.

Shall we sort out the economy? No, let's teach kids how to spank the monkey.

Teaching teenagers to masturbate is hardly tricky.

It's like selling a Daily Express reader a plate with Diana on.

It's hilarious. Even the campaign had a slogan.

I managed to get hold of some of the alternatives. Look at these.

Brilliant. You thought the slogan was bad, you didn't see the mascot.

Imagine him turning up at your door. "How are you doing, kids?

"I'm going to teach you a few things."

"Mum, there's a man here." "Don't tell your mum."

How much fun would it be to go into a house of mirrors, right, at the fair,

wearing your normal get-up, then put on your cock suit. Walk outside.

That thing has gone bad.

That's the Government advice for Spain. What's the Government advice over here?

Pathetic. We seem to be obsessed with scaring children.

In the street, you can get hit by a car.

On Facebook the worse that can hit you is a sheep.

The internet is amazing. I grew up in a village.

I would have loved it when I was young.

If we had broadband I wouldn't have watched my mate Tom trying to hit a donkey with a golf ball.

People go, what about the porn, Russell? Shut up.

You get out what you put in.

It's not like you type in, what is the capital of Antigua, and Google says, never mind that.

Do you want to see some clundge?

The internet is wonderful.

Where else would you find a cat that looks like a fascist?

Kids have got advice coming out of their ears.

This is a genuinely true story.

The government are trying to stop children from killing insects.

How are they going to get this across? Weave it into CBeebies?

The BNP were in the news this week.

It was their party conference. Nick Griffin wants to be MP for Barking.

Did you see him try and sell himself?

People don't really vote for a party. They vote for a person.

Well, that's you fucked then.

We hit Barking with a double dose of recognition and charisma.

If I lived in Barking I'd rather have a double dose of cat AIDS.

Imagine having Griffin as your local MP. "What are your policies?"

"I will paint over all the black bits in zebra crossings." Muppet.

It's not just his policies - I can't look at his face.

He's like something from Greggs come alive, isn't he?

Like a hideous sausage roll with learning difficulties.

"I'm pink inside, but flakey outside."

Bizarrely, some people actually went to the conference.

In the front row, a man who appears to be a vicar.

Why is a vicar in the front row of a BNP conference?

What are his services like? Hello.

# All things white and beautiful...

# All creatures great and small... #

It was the first conference since the BNP had been forced to admit non-white members.

I say we all join.

Every creed, every colour, African, European, Middle Easten, Asians.

We all get together and vote out the spam-faced hate monger.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING

Did you see Griffin's speech? He told a spectacular lie.

Sometimes we can be a little blunt.

Sometimes a little politically incorrect, but we're always honest.

Oh, really?

The BNP member of the London Assembly has been suspended

-from his post for a month for making up details of murders.

-Boom!

That's a lie, fatty.

The BNP have such a ridiculous viewpoint.

I was born here, it's my country.

Like you had any choice. You were born here by chance.

It's not like you were sat in your mum's tummy going, "Mother, point your fanny towards Dover!"

"This better be England."

The police have had a tricky week.

A 93-page book on cycling. Surely they know how to ride a bike.

OK, PC Howard. Grip tight, don't get distracted. You can do it.

-Let's go. Here we go.

-Woo!

That's it, lad.

Now you're you're a copper.

Maybe they do need help.

They certainly haven't mastered the art of braking.

There is something joyous about it.

He's fat, he's a policeman and he fell over.

They have been told how to ride bikes.

Now they are being told how to talk to criminals.

Genuinely true. There has been loads of complaints

about the police being rude. The police, rude?

The Paki in a coma's about as lively as Liberace's dick when he's looking at a naked woman.

All in all this investigation's going at the speed of a spastic in a magnet factory.

LAUGHTER

A little bit rude.

Poor coppers. We are taking away all the tools of intimidation.

No guns, no swearing.

Pretty soon we'll take away their sirens. Wouldn't that be horrific?

They would have to lean their head out of the window.

A-woo-woo-woo-woo!

We'll be there in a minute. A-woo-woo-woo! I hate my life.

Instead of good cop, bad cop, we will have good cop, lovely cop.

I'm ain't saying nothing, copper.

Really?

Stop it, you are being too nice.

Nice? You ain't seen nothing yet.

Hello. He seems a little bit tense.

Are you going to be a helpful Hector?

Did you do the crimey-rimey?

-Did you?

-All right,

I did it. I did the crime.

So, the police are getting more polite.

Luckily for them, so are the criminals.

It claims there has been a rise in middle-class amateur shoplifters.

People taking iPods, cameras, even fresh meat and seafood

all to sustain a luxury lifestyle as the recession bites.

Seafood? IPods?

These aren't just shoplifters, these are M&S shoplifters.

LAUGHTER

People are going,

"We take what we want, but we put it into a Bag for Life."

Middle-class shoplifting.

What crimes will they commit next? Bank robbery.

"Put all the money in the bag, but leave some for Mencap."

I'd love to see the graffiti.

"Sebastian was here, and he had a bloody gap year".

It may not sound like much, but added together,

it puts the UK at the top of Europe's shoplifting league table.

Hey!

Am I the only one that feels a little bit proud?

I didn't even know there was a shoplifting league.

Are there people keeping score?

Welcome back to Shoplift Saturday.

While you are away, a man stole a chicken from Aldi. Over to Spain.

I've got an old lady nicking a wheel barrow. Oh no, she's paying for it!

-Oh!

-What a disaster, Spain!

-Hold it there, Spain. Norway?

A woman in Norway has just stolen a lava lamp from IKEA.

-Absolutely textbook stuff.

-Winona Ryder. Over to you, Colin.

I think somebody has stolen my pen.

This story really pissed me off.

What a jobsworth. Even the ducks were furious.

HEAVY ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

I hate people who stamp on joy.

Do you know this woman doesn't even have a job.

She could have been at home moping around watching this.

Which is pretty much the Daily Mail on a period. But no.

No! Instead she is showing her son the simple pleasure

of feeding the ducks. What else will they ban?

No more potato prints, that is mocking the Irish.

You can't skim stones on a river, you'll blind an otter.

Do you remember skimming stones? How fantastic was that?

It's when you first realise you're a man,

when you can first skim a stone.

The first time I got two skips I grew a pube.

I can remember it, just katung!

I went to the Harvester that night and I was allowed an adult meal.

The kids menu? I think not, he did a skimmer and he's packing bush.

I was like that, "You heard the man, now fetch me a lasag-na."

I was dancing a bit there. Good news this week for cricket fans.

The Ashes are set to make a come back on terrestrial TV Following a report

into which of the sport's so-called crown jewels should be free to air.

Someone laughed at the words crown jewels there.

Which means we all get to watch the Ashes for free.

Whether you like cricket or not, you have got to love the crowd.

Wahey!

At cricket, everyone is welcome.

It feels like a massive family piss-up. The players love a drink.

The crowd love a beer.

Extraordinary about the shot.

Then, from one example of supreme co-ordination,

we go to the other end of the scale.

The fantastic thing about that, he manages to catch his pint.

Ah, my pretty...

Best of all, the commentators are like randy uncles.

Some tough days. Some good days.

Some easy days.

Ooh, yes, I'll have two of those.

Blood hell! When they actually meet women it's even better.

Yes, you can come in.

What's your name?

-Sally.

-Are you Sally?

I used to have a dog called Sally.

Reel her in, Bumble!

Off you go. D'you like the older man?

Later!

The best thing about cricket is the Ashes trophy itself.

A tiny, wooden urn.

Blood, sweat and tears, and what do we win?

Something that looks like a Victorian butt plug.

Fantastic news. Look at this...

Mild-mannered scientists at Duke University

have also created a cloak of invisibility.

Five points to Gryffindor.

Imagine the possibilities!

So, the thing is, it's such a new field

that it's hard to even imagine what it could be used for.

Whatever, Toadfish!

I've...

I've got loads of ideas!

You could creep into Nick Griffin's house and black him up.

You could park in a disabled space,

and, just as you got out of the car, just hang it over one arm.

Sneaky. You know you'd do it!

Listen to me chatting about invisibility cloaks.

I'd do this, I'd do that.

I think if any man had won, it would be bad news for this lady...

Ooh-ooh-ooh-ohh!

Now, this is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.

There's going to be a mystery guest who's in the news,

and I have to figure out who that person is.

So, please welcome my mystery guest!

Hello, what's your name? My name's Georgina Blackwell.

Georgina Blackwell. It's lovely to meet you. I'm Russell Howard.

-This seems very nice.

-Would you like to have your nails done?

-Absolutely. This is going all right, isn't it?

-Yeah.

So, am I dreaming or is this actually happening?

So, why are you in the news?

You're gonna be in the news for a different reason now.

Turning me into a transvestite, which is nice.

I've been in the news cos I've been in the High Court this week.

What did you do?

I was actually sticking up for our rights.

-Really?

-We took Bellway Homes to court and we've actually won.

-I know who you are!

-Do you?

Yeah, I do, actually.

You're the Essex stunner, as you're reported, I think,

in the Daily Mail, who took on some barristers and won, is that right?

-That's right.

-Sweet work. Fantastic.

-Thank you.

-Brilliant.

I've never guessed any one straightaway, but I saw you.

Do you want to tell everyone what happened?

We took them to the High Court over an access dispute,

and my mum couldn't afford a barrister.

So I stood up as her barrister in court and defended her, and we won.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Genuinely lovely story. Is this ever gonna come off, more pressingly?

-It's permanent.

-Is it? Right, OK.

-D'you like the colour?

-I do.

-Can I do some on you? That'll be nice.

-Mine are all done.

I'll do them differently, don't worry, darling.

-Here you are, let's do this properly.

-Oh, God!

-Have you ever done this before?

-You've never defended anyone, it went pretty well.

APPLAUSE

What you should have done, it would have been great

if you just took this into the courtroom,

wouldn't that have been great?

"Yeah, judge, I'll tell you what went down. Give us your hand...

"Yeah, these pricks were in my mum's garden, yeah?"

"Yeah."

"They were causing bother, judge."

"We don't like bother, do we, baby doll?" "No."

"They're guilty, aren't they?"

"They're very guilty.

"They're bad, bad boys, that's what they are. They're bad."

I can't believe I am now doing these.

It's really enjoyable after a while, isn't it? It's like colouring in.

I sounded about six-years-old then.

"It's like joining the dots, innit?"

That was lovely. Well, ladies and gentlemen, what a wonderful story.

-It's a genuine pleasure to meet you.

-Thank you.

Please, give it up for my mystery guest!

So, the Sun is 40 this week.

That's the paper, not the sun.

That's right, it's the paper you can't not read.

Over the years, they've given us hyperbole, Page Three girls,

and some sensational headlines.

When they discovered Heather Mills' murky film history,

they went with this...

They've even looked on the light side of serial killing.

They've been the first to cover celebrity weddings.

God bless you, the Sun!

Sweet news for the menfolk.

It seems that scientists - or researchers -

have found the perfect excuse for men to get out of doing the housework.

A study - conducted by a man, I might add -

has found that household chores,

including using a vacuum cleaner or a microwave oven,

could reduce a man's chance of having children by lowering his sperm count.

Great news!

"Will you tidy the kitchen, darling?"

"I can, but we'll have to adopt."

"I forgot to take the pill!"

"Don't worry, darling, I'll rub my balls against the microwave."

If this story is true, how potent is this filth monger?

A shock revelation in the pant world.

On average, men only buy pants between the ages of 19 to 35.

It makes sense. When you're little, there's one rule.

Do they have a super hero on them?

"Mother, I'm not going to school unless Spiderman is near my nads."

And when you're older, it's even simpler,

will they stop your plums from banging against your ankles?

Have you ever seen an old man's nuts?

They're like snooker balls in a rugby sock.

The trouble is, for men, we don't believe the pant adverts.

You're meant to look like this.

AUDIENCE WOLF WHISTLES

Exactly. But the reality, you look more like this...

When you've ever worn a pair of those tight Beckham pants,

it's murder on your cock, isn't it?

You open up your pants, your dick's like...

"Where have you been?"

It's suffocating in there...!

He looks like Saddam Hussein when they found him in that hole.

Now, this week, we've heard about people winning millions on the lottery.

But you may not have seen this lovely little story about a man

who knows the real value of money.

Now, most of us try to give a little bit to charity.

But what about half your lifetime's earnings?

An Oxford University academic is planning to do just that.

Dr Toby Ord says he will give away over £1 million,

more than half his future income,

to help fight poverty in the developing world.

I've looked into this and found I can do a tremendous amount of good.

I could potentially save about 3,000 lives,

and also produce a huge amount of benefits

for people who aren't in danger of dying

but are suffering from terrible diseases.

Isn't that lovely? I hope you enjoyed the show. Take care.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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