Episode 6 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language

Hello! Hello, welcome to the show!

Every week I'll be travelling here, there and everywhere looking for stories that'll make you laugh.

Did you see what John Barrowman's had installed in his house?

The back end of a 22-year-old man who got stuck for 11 hours.

Torchwood! Is it

just me or is Jon Snow on heat?

After the break, calling all mothers, prepare to be wooed in the months ahead.

Watch out, mothers! Have you seen the Albanian version of Hole In The Wall?

We don't mess about in Albania.

Did you see how mesmerised the Chinese kids were by Barack Obama?

Unless all of you fulfill your responsibilities...

He's amazing!

It wasn't quite the same for Gordon Brown.

Never stop believing in the good sense of the British people.

Never stop believing we can move forward to a fairer,

more responsible, more prosperous Britain.

Never stop believing we can make a Britain equal to its best ideals,

never, never, stop believing.

# Why does it always rain on me. #

Cumbria this week had the heaviest rainfall on record.

Areas of Cumbria have been devastated by record levels of rainfall which have led to severe flooding.

Your heart goes out to everyone affected, but was anyone else a bit

like me, you see the destruction, then you see the name of the town.

-We're live in Cockermouth...

-Cockermouth...

Cockermouth...

-This is Cockermouth...

-Cockermouth...

-Cockermouth.

-Cockermouth.

-Cockermouth High Street.

You can't not laugh!

It's like seeing an old lady hit by a frisbee, you know you will.

You hate yourself, but disaster, silly place name, you're gonna giggle.

It's like finding out there's been a bushfire here...

Or a diving disaster here...

Those brave Muff divers.

The only silver lining I could see was the reaction of the kids.

We see floods, they see fun.

METAL MUSIC PLAYS

Look at those kids, the parents are going, "We've lost everything."

The kids have got that lovely glint in their eye which says, "No school Monday."

The front room is a swimming pool and, "I've been in a helicopter."

Did you see the people in the helicopter?

I was thinking, wouldn't it be awful if you got winched to safety the one day you decided to dress as a gimp.

Wouldn't that be brutal?

"I'll dress up as a gimp this weekend."

All of a sudden you're on telly.

Your wife, "He told me he was on a business trip!"

"Don't leave me Samantha!" You rarely ever see the seedy side of flood damage, do you?

They're always going, "What have you lost?"

"Family heirlooms..." Wouldn't it be great to see a bloke go,

"No, all me porn."

"The waters were too fast,

"it came into my house and before I knew it, my copy of Schindler's Fist had gone."

"Don't laugh, you bastards, I'll not get that back!

"I came back to my flat and my vintage DVD of Fear and Loathing In My Anus...

"..ruined!

"Turn the camera off, I'm not strong enough."

What I hate about any extreme weather, there's always some

idiot like the former bishop of Carlisle, who cites this argument.

The bishop has argued that pro-gay legislation like the

civil partnership act and the sexual orientation regulations are all part

of a sweeping permissiveness and what's happening now is a perfectly natural, but also divine response.

Moron!

He said the the storms hit the UK because of our relaxed attitude

towards homosexuality, which is ridiculous.

In ancient Greece all they did was read and bum each other.

The weather was absolutely lovely.

Steady on, Socrates, I nearly lost my page!

Fuck, it's hot.

-Terrible result for Ireland this week.

-I have to send home John and Edward.

Feel the rage. I wasn't on about that, I meant this.

It's the goal that's even got Ireland's justice minister demanding a rematch.

Thierry Henry clearly handling the ball before playing it back across the goal back for the winner.

Slowed down the France captain even appears to have touched it twice.

First with his arm and next with his hand.

I tell you what, if Thierry Henry ever visits Ireland, his Guinness will look like this.

Lovely laugh over there, I don't know if you can hear that at home.

There's a man went, "ah, ah, ah."

That's how you should laugh at a cock in Guinness.

-The Irish fans were not happy.

-Cheat. Cheat. Cheat.

We were robbed! Robbed!

Henry's a cheat, Henry's a cheat.

Luckily the Irish knew who to blame.

Irish cleaners are so angry with Henry, they are attacking their Henry Hoovers.

What a fantastic reaction.

I love the idea of some guy stumbling back from the game pissed, "Where's the fecking Hoover?!"

Don't you smile at me, Henry, you cheating little cheat!

I should have known you'd turn on me.

All of these years you've been stealing my dust with your great big French nose!

Now, we all love it when someone makes a mistake.

Tom Hanks, The Green Mole.

But stupid has a new hero this week in Michael Burton, who got the lowest ever score on Mastermind.

-Seven points. He said, "Pass" more times than Ronaldo's team-mates.

-Angels in two minutes starting now.

-What's the meaning of the Greek angelos from which the word angel comes?

-Pass.

Pass... Pass... Pass... Pass...

Pass... Pass... Pass... Pass... Pass... Pass... Pass... Pass...

-The 6th Century.

-The 4th Century.

Seven points, did you see his excuse, this was exquisite.

I'm the black Jeremy Beadle.

He is not, I've seen his hand.

And he also said it was a prank.

Surely the point of a prank is to make other people look stupid.

It's like hiding in a cupboard for three years and going, "Hey, fooled you, I've been hiding.

"Dad...!

"You've been declared legally dead.

"Mum's remarried."

He said he got seven points as a cheeky tribute to his seven kids.

Surely a better tribute would be winning it.

"Who's my dad? Only the worst contestant ever on Mastermind!

"You must so proud. I am. Nearly as proud as the time you went on Deal Or No Deal and shat in a box."

They won't be proud, he just said "pass" over and over.

If you're gonna fail, then fail with style.

Have a look at these genuine answers from recent exams - they are wonderful.

These are all true, there's the first question.

Here's the answer... Unusual names.

Mrs Orpheus.

That's the way to fail, it gets better -

There you go.

Just exquisite, isn't it?

It doesn't, it's just self, self, self.

One, all the cows will escape.

Two, the cars drive into the fields.

Three, there is nowhere to hide.

This is my favourite - this is exquisitely stupid, right.

Here's the answer...

Whoever wrote that, whoever's out there that wrote that,

you are a genius, but you've got no concept, because I doubt you're able to turn the telly on,

just sat there rubbing it.

"Mum, the magic box won't work!"

So, it's been a big week for reality TV.

I have to send home John and Edward.

No, not that, right, I meant this...

She became a global sensation after her performance on Britain's Got Talent in April, but even though

she came second, Susan Boyle's debut album has already broken records.

Yes, the website Amazon reports that it's become the biggest selling pre-ordered album in history.

Quite an achievement, but surely, her biggest triumph is the success of her son, Frankie?

You should hear him sing.

Susan Boyle is the fastest pre-order on Amazon ever, why?

I'll tell you why, it's loads of kids who can't be arsed to go

Christmas shopping getting it for their mums, isn't it?

Double click, done!

Mum's going to go mental. I wanted Ugg boots not Ugg singing.

She was called the Hairy Angel!

How unfair is that, a nickname that sounds like slang for vagina.

Do you reckon now that she's successful, they'll call her the Beaver Diva?

Her career is built on guilt.

We all saw her and we all made a snap judgement.

Look at that woman, I bet she goes to Tescos and shouts at the cheese, and then...

We all did it, we all did it!

You can see her now near the brie.

Then she ruined it when she bloody did this!

# I dreamed a dream of time gone by

# When hopes were high and life worth living. #

-Youse didn't expect that, did you?!

-We all sat there going, "Brilliant, she is amazing."

Now I'll have to buy the album to stop feeling guilty. That's the secret of talent shows.

They win us over with a good sob story, isn't it?

Pretty soon kids will walk on screeching, "They found me in a bin!

"I've only ever eaten cat food."

# Come on, everyone, get happy, chase all your tears away... #

Sob stories are good, but can never compete with the joy of watching good old-fashioned lunatics.

Are you ready for the people?

Some people applauding...

Some people thinking, "I will never ask that lady to put up my shelves."

This week sees the release of a fat busting pill that tricks your brain into thinking you're full.

If you want a drug that makes you lose weight, just take heroin.

Let's be honest. You very rarely see a tubby smackhead.

Maybe this fat busting pill is a good idea, nobody likes the gym and home fitness is rubbish.

Do you really lose weight doing that?

She looks like she's doing the impression of a pensioner ejaculating.

God knows what this is!

And some of them are clearly designed by men.

Introducing the Shake Weight, the revolutionary new way

to shape and tone, designed specifically for women.

I think that I speak for all men, when I say that's the best way for women to lose weight.

Strange happenings in Germany.

Check out this approach to bringing music to the masses.

What a really weird way to get into classical music.

Where did you first hear Adagio For Strings?

I was on a lead getting spanked.

Do you reckon it'll be like McDonald's where they play faster music to get the punters moving?

If they played this, you'd be done in a minute.

To be honest...

-There's a lot of music you don't want to hear during sex.

-MUSIC: Blue Peter Theme Tune

MUSIC: Match Of The Day Theme

MUSIC: Final Seconds Music from Countdown

I bet you money Richard Whiteley had sex and did that, you know.

He must have done! They were always having a laugh on Countdown.

-O...

-Consonant, please.

Now, great news for impotent diabetics.

I love the idea that they're sat at home going, "Uh?"

Chefs in Columbia have invented the Love Cake.

Cooking students call their creation a Love Dessert.

That's because the special pudding is made with passion fruit pulp, chocolate hearts

and a little of that blue pill, Viagra.

Do you know, they're going to call it Stiffy Cocky pudding!

They are!

How very clever, very clever.

Nice cock and pudding gag!

You're laughing, it must a nightmare for the chef, imagine that.

"Nearly ready, uh-huh."

"Oh no!"

Suddenly he's got a boner that's harder than a Scottish winter.

It would really liven up working in a restaurant if they had Viagra knocking around.

"Oi, I've taken six, grab those doughnuts, let's play hoopla."

There is a problem with this. What if you don't finish your pudding and it ends up in a bin outside.

I'm already scared of foxes.

If I saw one with a throbber, can you imagine the fear?!

It'd look like Anne Robinson with a strap on, it'd be terrible!

He would be a fairly easy fox to hunt, though, just paw prints and a massive drag mark.

It'd be like chasing a Scalextric.

If you're serving this in restaurants, how long before we see it on this show?

Oh, my word. What a meal!

How about that for a main? You know, you have the chicken and then there's that?

It's quite exquisite.

We had a lot of fun filming that!

There's been all sorts of sexual rumours knocking around this week.

You know the latest on taking ejaculate into your mouth.

If you take ejaculate into your mouth, it'll whiten your treeth!

Oh, really...?

Look at this, good news for bad news.

There's a bakery in Brighton, who've started making divorce cakes.

I don't know if you've seen them, but they are fantastic.

There's one for the angry wife...

There's one for the angry man...

And one for the psycho...

If we've started celebrating divorces, why not get cakes

for other weird times - Happy Menopause Cake!

Mmm, it's a bit dry.

Why is there no jam?

Did you run out of eggs?!

I'm so sorry, Mum, I'm so sorry.

What was lovely about that, you just hear a man in the crowd laughing.

"Oh, dear."

Now, according to my mum, I've finally made it because this week I appeared in Heat.

Don't...!

Weird Crush 2009, you're right, madam.

Well, whatever.

My mum was giddy. "Oh Christ, Russ, you'll be on Strictly next."

This is basically a list of all the men you don't want to admit you fancy, I was number eight.

Do you know what they said about me, "He has dodgy teeth and a serious twitch problem with his eye."

Watch out ladies!

I'm the king of the munters!

You know how I found out about this, right? I got a text message from this man.

I genuinely did.

He texts me, "Captain Howard!

"I whipped you in Heat Magazine.

"I'm number seven, you're number eight!"

To be honest, I was quite pleased.

Did you see who was at number 12?

Barack Obama!

-Sorry, that's not his name.

-Mr Long Legged McDaddy!

How did I beat Obama? He's tall,

he's wise, he dances on chat shows.

I'm number eight! I'm number eight!

I've yet to master the art of chat shows.

This ring is extremely sparkly. Is it not, it's a sparkly ring.

-I like that.

-Very good.

How do you like mine.

You've both got lovely rings.

Funny, here... At five o'clock, in front of pensioners, it's not really that funny,

but, unbelievably, look who beat me and Mr Long Leg McDaddy.

Son of a bitch!

And, Derren Brown was number one!

But the funniest thing, this man was at number three.

The Stig!

How can you fancy a man without a face?!

You can't have sex with him, you'd be looking at your own reflection!

Nobody wants to look at their sex face.

To be honest, it doesn't really matter, the joke's on you, nation.

It's me!

Now, this is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.

There's a mystery guest who's been in the news and I have to figure out who that person is.

So, please, welcome my mystery guest.

# I want to get away I want to fly away Yeah, yeah... #

Hello, how are you?

I'm Russ. What's your name?

-Lewis.

-You really thought hard then.

I thought I could tell you my name. I forgot.

Of course you can tell me your name. Are you in government protection?

You're not really doing a very good job about it.

Don't do anything, all right. I'll go on telly in a wet suit.

Unless you're just really forward gimps, I don't know.

-What's your name?

-I'm Jake.

-Jake.

So why are you in the news?

We achieved one of our goals that we've been aiming for, for quite a few years now.

-A goal you've been aiming for. Can you give me any more information?

-That's a sneaky line, that is.

Tell us why you're in the news, that got the person last week, didn't it?

-Have you done your research?

-Yeah.

You'll have to keep doing some more questions first, we're not that easy.

-It's quite an active sport.

-It's quite an active sport. OK.

Was I close with gimps?

Miles away.

-OK. How often do you do it, do you do it together?

-We can't do it...

We DO do it together but we can't do it whenever we want.

You can't do it whenever you want! Do your girlfriends know you do it?

-We don't have girlfriends.

-No.

We do like women, though!

You do like women!

I wasn't suggesting that!

-Surfing, do you do a bit of surfing?

-We don't do surfing.

-Have you ever surfed?

-Yeah.

-Why don't you surf?

Because we don't get the best waves where we live in Worthing.

-You live in Worthing.

-< WHOO!

-OK, wow, that's gone down big.

-You live in Worthing?

-Yeah.

-Am I allowed to bring on a guest?

-Come up here and interrogate them with me.

-I think she knows us.

Sit down. Oops, sorry, I trod on your foot. All right, I'll sit here.

-Hi.

-Hello. How are you doing?

Are you gimps?

-No, we're not gimps.

-Oh, my God. What is that?

It's find keys, I've lost my keys.

I don't know if you can see this, a lady has written on her arm, "Find keys."

This is like the chavviest memento I've seen.

Do you want that, you can interview them and I'll stand here.

So, if you know, is this allowed? It feels like cheating, I don't know?

Has it been something to do with the weather, recently?

-Yeah, that's correct.

-Yeah, we've been waiting for it for a long time.

-You've been waiting for a long time.

-Yeah.

-And what's been happening with the weather, recently, Russell?

There's been lots of wind, lots of rain?

-Yes, follow on the wind part.

-To do with the sea, big waves?

-Yes.

-What are we on?

-We're on a pier!

Yes, fuck, I know.

I do need you because you pretty much did the work for me.

-You're those guys that jumped the Worthing Pier, aren't you?

-Yeah.

Wow, fucking great, boys.

I don't know if you saw this, hopefully have we got the clip of them jumping? Oh, wow!

-You've got to introduce this, this is proper cool.

-It's fair that Jake does it, cos he did it first.

Wouldn't it be great if at this moment, Jake,

just after you introduced it you pulled her keys out of your arse.

On the Monday, me and Lewis attempted...

Fuck you, Craig David, that's what they did on a Monday!

-Sorry, guys.

-We've been waiting for over a number of years to achieve our goal.

On the Monday we achieved our goal of jumping over Worthing Pier.

Have a look at this clip, it's awesome.

Two kite surfers have taken advantage of strong winds to jump over a pier.

The dare devil pair soared over Worthing pier at a height of 70ft travelling over 250ft,

before touching down on the water on the other side of the pier.

Well done, gentlemen. Thank you for coming in.

Nice to meet you, it was really great. There you go.

Do you want to go back? Thank you very much. Please, give it up for my helper!

Please, a massive round of applause for probably my favourite mystery guests!

Now, the beauty of sport, sometimes it can be funny...

Sometimes it can be brutal...

And sometimes it can change your life.

No-one inside Wembley stadium expected him to do it, he didn't even expect to do it himself,

but when somebody offers you £250,000 to kick a rugby ball directly onto the crossbar, in one attempt,

from 30 yards, and you're not wearing your shoes,

well, you have to have a go.

You might just surprise yourself.

How about that, the club hooker from Hertfordshire and the 46,000 fans

at Wembley couldn't quite believe it.

Stuart Tinner won the Saracens half-time challenge at Wembley

and walked away with £250,000.

Did you see the interview on ITV, it was incredible. They accused him of being an alcoholic.

Had you had a beer before you kicked the ball?

-No.

-You were stone cold sober?

Stone cold sober.

-I don't believe that.

-Just for that reason, "No, no, you're definitely drunk, look at you."

It didn't stop there, they really started grilling him. Look at this.

How does it rate as a moment in your life?

-It is definitely up there, top three.

-What are the other two?

-I wouldn't like to say.

-I wouldn't like to say.

-They ask him twice, "Go on, say it, I wouldn't like to say. Say it!"

As if the poor bloke's gonna answer, the entire country watching him, do they honestly believe he's gonna go,

"Have you ever covered your arse in jam and moon walked towards the cat?"

They didn't end there. They slammed his marital status.

So, Stuart Tinner, discreet, athletic and loaded.

He's also still single.

Boo! You're a loser!

And they made him admit he was a really bad prostitute.

I'm probably not the best hooker in England.

Hope you enjoyed the show, have a good night, ta-ra!

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