Episode 7 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language.

APPLAUSE

Hello.

Good evening. Settle down. Good evening.

Every week I'll be going from Alderaan to the Dagobah system to find stories that make you laugh.

I tell you what, Ryanair are really cutting back on luxuries.

Always remember, if you're talking about homosexuals, watch out for innuendo.

I don't mind gays...

but I don't want them stuffing it down my throat all the time.

LAUGHTER

Telly's been getting pretty weird.

Eamonn Holmes has been pimping himself out.

You can do whatever you want with me for 20 grand.

Sounds like Penny Smith paid that cash.

A filthy weekend.

The world's getting scarier. Luckily, Andrew Marr is there to cheer us up.

We could all, in Britain, freeze to death in weeks!

At times, I think he makes things up.

The latest threat is iPod zombie cyclists.

Highlight of the week, Andrew Marr's belch.

It is a very serious story.

I'm sure you and Matthew, being the serious ones...

DEEP BELCH

Now, if you didn't spot it, here it is again.

It is a very serious story.

I'm sure you and Matthew, being the serious ones...

DEEP BELCH

# Goodness gracious Great balls of fire! #

So, big news of the week, somebody has lost their no-claims bonus.

Tiger Woods, the most famous golfer in the world,

one of the most famous people...

..was injured in a late-night car smash outside his Florida mansion...

..that involved a fire hydrant,

a neighbour's tree and his Cadillac Escalade...

..and had to be taken to hospital.

It's massive news. Bloggers have gone wild.

What?

Tiger Woods in a car accident?

That's right, my friend.

His wife smashed the window with a golf club and pulled him out of the car.

His wife took a golf club, broke the window and pulled him out of the car?

That's what I'm driving at, exactly.

But nobody could have predicted this response...

# I need me a white girl!

# A white girl! Ow! White girl!

# White girl! I need me a white girl! A white girl! Ow!

# White girl! White girl! #

Ha, ha!

Nobody saw that coming.

Tiger has denied the rumours that he had a massive argument with his wife.

Apparently she went "ghetto".

What does that mean? Did she start screaming,

"You ain't no Tiger, you a goddamn pussycat!"?

LAUGHTER

We don't have a similar expression in this country.

"You should have been there, Nigel, she went absolutely cul-de-sac!"

Tiger denies he was having an affair.

If your name is Tiger, there's a lot of pressure to be good at sex,

or my name isn't Russell "Magic Cock" Howard.

Tiger - it was a really weird christening...

Tiger...

Tiger hasn't been seen in public since the accident.

The rumour is that his wife scratched his face and he is waiting for the scars to go down.

What do you reckon she scratched on his face?

Wouldn't it be great if it was just the words,

"mother-putter".

Whenever a celebrity is injured, there's always an avalanche of crap puns.

"He's not very good at driving." Very good(!)

"He felt a bit green." Did he?

"The airbags didn't go off cos he had a hole in one."

Oh, fuck off and die!

# Cos I need me a black woman, a black woman! #

It's been a bizarre week for sport, hasn't it?

Half-time, the US Cup final,

and the world's best-known footballer reaches for his inhaler.

Despite having asthma since childhood,

it is the first time David Beckham has been seen using a puffer.

It's nuts. Beckham's got asthma!

That's like finding out David Attenborough has an ashtray made out of a gorilla's hand.

Or that Terry Wogan was the man who blinded Pudsey.

LAUGHTER

"Did you look at my wife, PUDSEY?"

It's like finding out Tigger's got ME.

"Not today, Piglet.

"Tigger's a bit tired today."

Beckham's asthmatic, do you reckon there'll be new chants?

What if he scored and then had an attack and the other players thought it was a new goal celebration?

"He looks like a Smurf!"

Finally, he has a weakness.

The other teams will be rubbing his shirt with cat hair.

If you were his team-mate you'd slip some acid into his inhaler.

Imagine the interviews.

"You didn't pass to Rooney once."

"He turned into a mermaid, I'm not an idiot."

"What about Terry?"

"Well, if you turn up as a Scotch egg, I'm going to bite you."

"Why did you punch Shaun Wright-Phillips?"

"He's shit."

Beckham has also revealed that he smokes cigars.

Wouldn't you love it if he won the World Cup,

lit up a fat one and went,

"I love it when a plan comes together."

Win or lose, at least we'll see the World Cup, unlike the North Koreans.

It's so unfair! Trouble is, whenever you see a story about Kim Jong-il, you don't think of this...

You think of this...

# I'm so...ronery, so ronery

# So ronery and sadry arone... #

You can't help it.

His name makes it sound like he is always moaning.

"Kim Jong ill, Kim Jong sad,

"Kim Jong sleepy."

Don't worry, that's good racism. Anyway...

The crazy little fucksack is only showing the bits of the World Cup that make North Korea look good!

You can't edit football. Sometimes the mistakes are the best bits!

Kim Jong-il is incredible. If you think our politicians are full of PR bullshit, have a look at this...

# Kim Jong speaks to the mountains! #

Hi!

Apparently, Kim Jong-il eats lobsters with silver chopsticks.

When he quit smoking, he made it illegal for anyone in North Korea to smoke.

In 2007 he played a round of golf and released this statement...

He's mad, he just makes stuff up.

The North Korean Times must be ridiculous.

Now, remember, a few weeks ago we spotted this guy outside the BBC.

He was obsessed with getting on telly.

He kept appearing over and over.

We thought it was a one-off.

We were wrong. This week, he was back.

Marc Ashdown is at the refuge centre set up to look after them. Mark...

Tonight, it is a refuge centre, more than 200 people are...

SPEECH DROWNED BY LAUGHTER

-Back to you, Victoria.

-Marc, thanks very much indeed.

We've have had some pretty dumb crime stories lately.

Some American guys robbed a bank.

Did they use a mask? Oh, no.

We had...

It's brilliant, isn't it? "Do you reckon they'll see who we are?"

What's wonderful about it?

Permanent marker.

We had this master of escape...

And we had this rather unfortunate news-reader.

It's not just the criminals who are dumbing down, it's the police, too.

Have a look at this photo-fit from Bolivia.

You laugh. It actually worked.

Police have since arrested one person.

We've got footage of the line-up.

They are saying, this is the worst photofit ever. I'm not so sure.

Unless there's a man who looks like a hairy egg,

this crime is never getting solved.

Look at this one.

He looks like a ninja with custard on his face.

But this is the best. There was a burglar in New Zealand who looked a lot like Robbie Coltrane.

So rather than draw a likeness, they simply printed this.

Look what they put at the bottom, it's classic.

Do you reckon, if I ever bust a move in New Zealand, they'll show this picture?

That's a scary likeness, isn't it?

Although, the Lynx man has got no respect for the war dead.

Possibly the strangest crime story of the year was this filth-monger.

AUDIENCE: Urgh!

You think your love life's bad? This man...

COW MOOS

..was caught on a farm pleasuring himself in manure.

AUDIENCE: Urgh!

Police described him as "a bit of a loner".

Really?!

How do you discover that's your thing?

Maybe a pigeon shat on him when he was five. "Oh, no!

"Oh...

"Don't clean it, Mum."

AUDIENCE: Urgh!

A sexual fetish for slurry. It's going to change that famous old song.

# Old McDonald had a farm Ee-aye, ee-aye-oh

# And on that farm, there was a perv Oh my God, that's low!

# With a wank-wank here, and a tug-tug there

# In the poo, in the muck Pulling on his wank stick

# Old McDonald had a farm Ee-aye, ee-aye... #

Everybody! # O-h-h-h-h! #

Old McDonald!

APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING

Now, here is a shock.

I find this hard to believe. Even professional shoppers haven't got a clue.

Remember the picture of the horse I showed you earlier?

Here it is, blown up.

Are you sure that's a horse?

It looks a bit like a butterfly.

Look at that horse.

The bushy tail, the big teeth, the hooves.

OK, my producer just told me this isn't a horse, it's a butterfly.

LAUGHTER

When most men shop they're like kids.

They have to "play with thing".

1101-1816 is the item number on this one.

The nice thing about these practice katanas...

Ow! Oh...that hurt!

Oh. That hurt big time.

A piece of that, the tip, just got me.

-Oh! That got me good.

-You all right?

A piece of that tip just got me.

We...uh...

We may need emergency surgery in the studio.

Men aren't better at shopping.

For some of them, buying beer turns into a disaster.

MUSIC: "Trouble" by Ray Lamontagne

Poor guy, he's like a stranded turtle!

The best bit is when he leaves, he is so close to freedom.

Now, the more observant amongst you will have noticed that happened at 10.34 on a Tuesday morning.

Who has a drink at that time of day?

It is a very serious story.

You and Matthew, being the serious ones...

DEEP BELCH

HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYS

Bad news for the playas this week!

How funny is that? Are her and Charles in bed watching MTV Base?

"I don't think you're ready for this jelly?

"Who the hell is she to tell me when I'm allowed my pudding?"

Wouldn't it be great if the Queen went,

"So, Camilla doesn't like rap, eh?",

then worked it into her Christmas speech?

# Na-na-na-na-na-na! Getting Lizzie with it!

# Na-na-na-na-na-na!

# Come on, everybody!

# Na-na-na-na-na-na! Getting Lizzie with it!

# My name is... My name is... My name is...

# Prince Philip! #

LAUGHTER

The Royal Family should love rap music.

When you think about it, this guy...

..he was the original pimp!

He had a turf war with the Pope,

and if one of his bitches stepped out of line,

he popped a cap in their ass.

We can't have Camilla advising us on R&B. Rap should be angry.

Polite rap would be rubbish.

Guess who's been in the news this week!

# Jesus Christ, superstar!

# Do you think you're what they say you are? #

Did you see why?

If you look closely, that's obvious.

Imagine seeing Jesus at Glastonbury.

"I am the son of God."

-"Wow, who's

-YOUR

-dealer?!"

Did he only visit Glastonbury? Oh, no.

So basically, he had a gap year.

"Where do you want to go, Jesus? Babylon, Alexandria?"

"No, Weston-super-Mare!"

VOICES SING HALLELUJAH

Mind you, it's a good job Jesus didn't pick up the accent.

IN WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: "Listen up, my lovers,

"blessed are the meek for they will inherit the earth.

"Lush."

I'd love it if the locals were completely unimpressed.

"He can turn water into wine?

"That's nothing, I can turn this cow into a pasty!"

I bet he did well with the ladies.

"Hey, baby, you wanna go to heaven and back?"

If I was God, I'd give my son a big dick.

Wow, if Christ did have sex, then there may be West Country descendants, but who?

"I'm Justin Lee Collins, and I'm the son of Jesus,

"join me next on Channel 4 when I try to beam back all the disciples."

"I still haven't found Judas, he's a right asshole."

And that isn't even the weirdest religious story of the week.

Check this out.

Is the Vatican entering the final frontier?

The Catholic Church just held a week-long conference

with 30 scientists to discuss the possibility of alien life.

The questions this throws up.

What happens if we find these extra-terrestrials

and they are to be saved but they're also really delicious?

That's what we're all thinking!

"You want to know about their planet, their culture?"

"No, I wanna know what they taste like.

"They might taste like cows."

Cows that are hanging out on the moon, I think we should eat them.

So if there are cows on the moon, we are allowed to eat them.

What a fantastic story.

I'd love to see a priest and an alien having a chinwag.

"So, there's this guy called God. Why are you laughing?"

"In our language, God means winky-bum-face!"

Jesus in Glastonbury, astro-Catholics, can it get any weirder?

Yes, it can. An Italian monk has quit his heavy-metal band.

Brother Metal, or Cesare Bonizzi, fears the Devil has made fame

go to his head, and so he is hanging up his microphone for good.

What a shame, I'd loved to have seen him give Mass.

"Now hymn 356, Bring Your Daughter To The Slaughter."

How mad is this? A monk that is into heavy metal -

that's like finding out Clarkson has a wind-farm

or that Lady Gaga doesn't have a penis.

Mad... It must have been so weird for him. Cos by day...

And by night...

HE WAILS EERILY

You don't want to take his Bible!

Do you want to know why they quit? Look at this.

-TRANSLATION:

-The Devil has separated me from my managers, risked breaking me up

with my band members, and even come between me and my fellow monks.

A monk argument.

How much would you love to see that?

SINGS PLAINSONG: # What time do you call this, Brother Cesare?

# This heavy metal has to stop.

# Kiss my balls, brother Paolo!

# I've just come from a sell-out gig where everyone loved me

# And now I'm sleeping on a bed of stone! #

Why would you give that life up?

The crowd-surfing, the head-banging, the groupies?

How gutted will he be if there's no God?

# You fucking what?

# Do you know how many emos I could have banged?

# I could have had more Goth clunge than Marilyn Manson! #

Now, this is a headline.

"Why the long face?"

"I comfort eat."

Just putting their hooves in jam.

"Jam makes the pain go!

"Jam makes the pain go!"

Do you think fat horses get bullied?

"Look under his saddle... Muffin top!"

"I'm big-boned!"

We're obsessed with feeding animals in this country, especially dogs.

Some of them are so fat they try to eat tennis balls.

Certain animals are being overfed, others are being psychologically damaged. Look at this.

You've never seen dogs look so bored.

OWNER: Guys, what are you doing?

'Nothing.'

Showing off your Halloween costumes?

'No.'

Pixie, are you Princess Leia?

'No, I'm a dog.'

And are you Darth Vader?

'I'm a dog, dickhead.'

Where's your light sabre?

Are you not amused?

'No.'

Don't get mad at me, Mommy bought the costumes.

'Mommy's shagging the neighbour.'

Dressing them up is nothing compared to this.

This is absolutely mental, isn't it?

And it's really going to change that famous song.

# How much is that doggie in the window?

# The one with the big double Ds?

# How much is that doggie in the window?

# She'd knock herself out with a sneeze! #

You can't give a dog a boob job, they're constantly horny as it is.

No! No!

She is NEVER going to Crufts.

# Whatever. #

Now, we all admire dance, and when it's done well, it can look angelic.

The trouble with clips like this is that it makes you think,

"I could do that."

MUSIC PLAYS

She wasn't the only one, look at this.

Injured watching telly?

Good job they didn't see this!

Imagine that, going around your granddad's.

"Jesus, Granddad, that's a bruise, what happened?"

"You don't want to bloody know, Russ.

"That's the last time I go to Longleat."

Did you see this? They've invented an underwater phone.

I tell you what, Finding Nemo would have been over in minutes.

"Nemo. Where are you?"

"I'm over by the rocks."

If I had an underwater phone, I'd definitely have this ringtone.

THEME FROM "Jaws" PLAYS

Nicolas Cage turned on the Christmas lights in Bath this week.

Five, four, three, two, one, go!

CHEERING

I didn't go. I felt a little bit upset, because they actually promised it to me.

This is genuinely true, this is the letter.

I was like, "I'd love to!"

I was really looking forward to it, and then I saw it on telly.

I was like, "Oh, no."

AUDIENCE: "Awww!"

All my family took the piss.

"Here, Russ, in the flesh, you look just like Nicolas Cage!"

I got my own back, I picked up a prestigious late booking.

Three, two, one...

Merry Christmas!

Who are you?!

Yeah!

Get out of my house!

Merry Christmas!

# Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer... #

To be honest, the best Christmas lights story was this heart-warming tale from Portishead.

One town near Bristol has opted for a different kind of hero to help deliver its festive cheer.

Ready for Christmas at all?

His name is Nigel, he works in a DIY store.

And he's become the biggest star in town,

simply by being nice.

That's a fine spruce you have there. It's a fine spruce!

Any nice plans for the following week at all?

Very cold this morning, very cold this morning.

It's lovely to see a shop assistant that smiles,

is helpful and is really pleased to see you and serve you.

The queue is 30 miles long because he's talking all the time!

I wish everybody was like that in the shops.

Are you ever miserable? >

No, amazingly, there's never a day...

It's just myself as a person,

I never seem to be miserable, not even at work.

I come each day, excitement, because every day is different, I suppose.

You're SO nice! >

Well, thank you.

None of this celebrity business.

No, we want Nigel.

-Well done, Nigel. Congratulations.

-Thank you very much.

So the man who never wanted fame gets mobbed on the High Street,

but Nigel says his only wish is to brighten up life on the checkout.

Five, four, three, two, one, yeah!

Well done, Nigel!

How lovely is that?

I hope you enjoyed the show, see you later!

APPLAUSE

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