Best Bits Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

APPLAUSE

Welcome!

Hello and welcome to a special Good News

featuring my favourite bits from this series.

So, what's been happening?

I'll tell you what, Spanish is a tricky language.

Por favor, un poco de respeto. No...

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

Over on Breakfast, Bill Turnbull dropped the daintiest fart ever.

..whatever language that they would have arrested him in.

HE FARTS QUIETLY

BBC Look North interviewed the most wonderful and terrifying granny ever.

I will be very proud of them.

But if they let their body hang out and their stomach

and their shoulders, I shall throw them in the river.

And finally, oh, check out this genius.

You know I love the tuba.

It's one of my favourite instruments. Listen to this.

WHITE NOISE

LAUGHTER

He lost his mic down the...down the tuba!

APPLAUSE

Um...

LAUGHTER

What a BRASS hole!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The big health news was the junior doctors marching in Westminster.

Junior doctors came in their thousands,

furious over threats by the Government to impose a new contract.

-THEY CHANT:

-Save our NHS!

The fear that their pay will be cut

and they'll be forced to work longer hours, putting patients at risk.

I'm not surprised junior doctors are pissed off.

They're amazing, selfless human beings.

That work ridiculous hours saving lives,

and what do they get for their trouble?

Less than 23 grand.

And what pisses me off even more, earlier this year,

MPs got a 10% pay rise to 74 grand.

Why are THEY being rewarded?

Especially when our bellend of a Health Secretary

says stuff like this.

They already do!

No-one has ever gone to A&E on a Sunday...

"Oh, I'm having a heart attack!"

Some caretaker - "Er, can you come back Monday?

"They've all gone paintballing."

I'll tell you what else pisses me off, the papers,

their shrieking headlines constantly demonising the NHS.

"Doctors Earn 100 Grand A Year",

"A Nurse Ate My Baby",

"Surgeons Replaced My Feet With Coconuts

"And Now I Sound Like A Horse".

The NHS... LAUGHTER

The NHS is an amazing thing.

You never read about the good things it does - liver transplant, free,

heart bypass, free. Nothing's free in this country.

It costs you 20p if you want to have a shit in a train station.

The NHS is wonderful. I mean, who else...?

CHEERING

Who else...?

APPLAUSE

Who else but the NHS would provide this service?

For free! For free!

Not only are they saving lives,

they're also helping out a woman who decided to play Jurassic Pork.

And what makes Jeremy Hunt's comments even more galling

is stories like this.

If I was a doctor, I'd have some fun.

I'd give them VIP services - comfy sofa, bit of anaesthetic,

get them all blissed out before their operation and then...

just as they're dozing off,

I'd dress up as Harold Shipman.

"Nobody will hear your screams!

"Oi, Dave, pass me that dinosaur.

"You're going home, Mega Sore-Arse."

HE HUMS JURASSIC PARK THEME

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Next up, let's have a bit of joy.

Did you hear about George Clooney?

George Clooney has travelled halfway round the world for a sandwich.

Yes, he did.

He visited a cafe which supports homeless people.

Did you see the effect he had on women?

I got a selfie with George Clooney!

He's so handsome.

I love George.

"I love George!"

He even made one lady melt.

-Hi, how are you doing?

-Hi, George.

-Are you guys cold?

Your hands are freezing.

-It's lovely to meet you.

-Hi, how are you?

Hi! Ah!

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

"Hi, hi, ah, ah..."

Did you see her later? I've never seen a woman this giddy.

Oh, it was amazing.

I was trying to get a photo of him and he actually came up to me

after I got the photo.

He shook my hand and says, "Hello, is it really cold here?"

I says, "Yes, it's really cold."

SCOTTISH ACCENT: I says, "I've got frostbite

"but I've never been happier in my life!"

Did you hear the news about bacon?

The World Health Organization is now warning

that the equivalent of less than two slices of bacon a day

can boost your chances of developing one form of cancer by nearly 20%.

-Bacon, ham and hot dogs...

-Cancer.

-Bacon, ham, sausage...

-Cancer.

-Hot dogs, bacon and sausages...

-Cancer.

-Hot dogs, bacon, ham...

-Cancer.

-Bacon and...

-Cancer.

-Bacon...

-Cancer.

-Bacon...

-Cancer.

-Bacon...

-Cancer.

But we like bacon!

LAUGHTER

Yes, we do!

We like bacon!

We love bacon, and bacon sandwich is one of the greatest things

in the world and now it gives you cancer?

It's like finding out Stephen Fry drowns puppies.

Do you know the worst thing? Did you see the way Sky News covered it?

They went to a cafe and tried to scare the shit out of people.

Bacon, sausage, beans, fried egg...

According to the World Health Organization,

you may as well have a big pile of asbestos on that plate.

"You're going to die!"

He tried it again later. Didn't really work.

Processed sausage, bacon, potentially cancer-causing.

How's your breakfast?

It's lovely.

Drubbing, mate.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I'm with him.

People in this country are going to struggle to give up bacon -

we really, really love it.

Listen to this 999 call - this isn't made up.

This is a genuine call to the police.

Only in this country!

Next up, check out what kids in Australia are doing.

Children as young as three could learn cage fighting

in a new UFC gym to be built in Richmond.

Cage fighting toddlers! How terrifying would that playground be?

# Row, row, row your boat

# Gently down the stream

# I'll chase you down and fuck you up

# And cut you till you scream. #

It's such a...

ridiculous story. You can't get children to fight.

You put a three-year-old in a cage - he'll pretend to be a chicken.

What does the Aussie version of CBeebies look like?

-Hello.

-ALL: Hi, Peppa.

Sorry I'm late, I was at my self-defence class.

ALL: Ooh!

-What did you learn, Peppa?

-I'll show you.

SCREAMING

I'm jumping in a bloody puddle!

Peppa, you never returned my calls.

Come here, little piggy.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Did you read about the tampon tax?

Yep, women still have to pay 5% VAT on tampons

cos they're considered a luxury.

They're tampons!

They're not Ferrero Rocher!

I've never seen a woman in Tesco - "Oh, my God, look at them all!

"They're so sumptuous!"

No woman has ever inserted one and gone, "Oh, I am spoiling myself.

"OOh!

"I feel so decadent!"

It's ridiculous.

They're not aspirational. You don't see Beyonce bragging about them.

# If you like me you should have got me one with wings on it

# If you like me you should have got me one with wings on it

# Oh-oh-oh... #

"Oh, Jay, I got stomach cramps. Get me a hot water bottle."

I think this lady's gentle sign puts it best.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Have you seen how we're dealing with lonely pensioners?

Next tonight, a novel way to help lonely Londoners - chickens.

Researchers say that caring for a feathered friend can help tackle

social isolation among the elderly and improve their wellbeing.

Whose idea was that?!

Some crazy farmer - "You're lonely! Have a chicken!

"You've got depression. What you need is a badger!

" # Old MacDonald had a farm E-I-E-I... #

"Come on, girls, stroke your badgers."

Actually... DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER

The point I'm making...

The point I'm making - it's ridiculous!

Check out this lady's brilliant response.

What did you think when they said

you were going to have chickens in here?

I thought, "Oh, well, whatever turns 'em on."

How amazing is she? "Whatever turns 'em on.

"Gotta go, I'm off down Nando's."

Elsewhere this week, huge, ground-breaking news.

Life in this country is about to change. Are you ready?

Here we go.

Now, it's been a tradition for toddlers and grandparents for years

but now we're being told to stop throwing bread to ducks.

According to the Canal & River Trust,

feeding ducks bread actually does them more harm than good.

It's the equivalent of their junk food.

LAUGHTER

Bread is their junk food?! As if they care!

They're ducks, they're not body conscious!

I've never seen a duck get out the water like this -

"N-n-no, look away!

"Eh! Bloody...move your eyes away, Barry!

"Stop looking at me!

"I'm not pond-body ready, come on!"

The other ducks are like that, "Jesus, look at Barbara.

"It's a miracle she can float!"

"You know what they say - if you've had some cake, stay off the lake."

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jess Thom!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Pleasure to meet you, Jess.

-Hello.

-How are you?

-Happy birthday. Fuck a sheep.

-Er...thank you and no thank you.

-Ta-da!

Is there anything you wouldn't eat? I'm intrigued.

-Yes.

-What?

-Oh, gosh.

If you fry me an egg

and if you don't baste it with hot oil or flip it over

so it's over-easy, if you leave some of that white runny around the edge

of the yolk, I am not touching it. Am I right?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

Wow. I would never mess up eggs. I'm the king of eggs.

-So you will you baste it for me?

-No, I'll scramble those bastards up.

What I'll do...scramble them, bit of goats' butter, bit of pepper...

-Bit of goats' butter?

-Yeah.

-You're talking my language.

-Have you ever made goats' butter?

-No.

-I have.

I've milked a goat, taken the cream off the top of the milk

and turned it into butter. And here you are talking about goats' butter.

-Yeah.

-Lovely.

-It is lovely.

-Brothers.

-Yeah.

-But yours is...

-My goat butter brother.

I'm a goat butter brother from another mother.

He's good, he's good.

Do you want to tell everyone about your website?

Biscuit. Hedgehog, biscuit. Yeah, so it's Touretteshero. Biscuit.

Touretteshero.com. Biscuit. And on it I write every day,

so I write a daily blog. Biscuit.

And that's been a really amazing way to share the things that I've said

as vocal ticks. Biscuit.

Almost 6,000 real Tourettes ticks,

We invite other people to come and use them for their own creativity.

-Biscuit.

-I've got some of my favourites here.

-Hedgehog. Cat.

-Ta-da! Rattlesnake!

-That's not on here.

-Tattle-tale sheep.

-Neither.

-Jeremy Hunt hedgehog.

I'll have a look - nope.

The...

What's your PIN number? Sh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I made this box today on my boat. Just for you.

I didn't grow the tree but I cut the wood and bought the wood and I...

Look at that, that's really sweet.

It says "Russell's box of shite."

Everyone needs a box of shite.

And the "i" is me.

How lovely.

HE GASPS Gwyneth Paltrow's head!

These are the ones I like.

"God's moving to Watford on Sunday." I enjoyed that.

"Listen to your inner duck." We don't do that!

-Duck!

-"Carrier bag, your career is over." That's excellent.

"The lamppost is impersonating Hitler AGAIN."

"There are two dolphins working in a post office

"a little north of Winchester." I like that.

And my personal favourite - "I fucked a Furby in 1994."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Is there anything that does scare you in life?

You know what, I am not too keen on the ground,

cos in the sky I have no fear

but on the ground I am not too keen of animals with too many legs.

LAUGHTER

Or animals with not enough legs.

HE LAUGHS

Oh! Who would have thought... This is what I'm getting at,

so the only thing I would have to do to put you off from your majestic art

is to fly a helicopter near you and throw a centipede at you?

You have a weird mind.

How have I got a weird mind?

Just imagine a slow-motion one of these wanging you across the face.

LAUGHTER

-Throw it, throw it. Go on. Just throw it.

-No, I can't.

-Properly do it.

-Oh, no! What if... Oh, I'm going to miss.

-Go on.

Oh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is all right, isn't it?

What a life, eh?

I really like you.

I tell you, if I was a 66-year-old lady,

you and me would be going at it.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Was that a question?

MORE LAUGHTER

-It's true.

-Why are you smiling?

Cos I'm just imaging me as a 66-year-old woman!

I cannot wait.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That was so wonderful. Thank you so much for coming on, my friend.

Have a look at how a priest in America explained gay sex

to some children.

LAUGHTER

Now...

I'm no expert...

but I think he's doing it wrong.

It's ridiculous!

You don't have to spit on a bagel to get it in your ear.

SHOCKED LAUGHTER

There was a lovely slow burn on that joke.

Which is exactly what you get if you don't spit.

What? What? What?

Not that I'm against all Catholics. Now, you're not going to believe this

but I've actually got a world exclusive.

I'm going to interview the Pope. And I'm told...

I'm told we're going to go through to him live now.

Hello, Holy Father? Such an honour to speak with you.

So, America, how was your trip?

What did you learn most about...?

May I ask of you to sing a song for me?

I can do. Um...

What song do you want me to sing?

Valerie.

You want me to sing Valerie?

OK...

# Sometimes I go out by myself

# And I look across the water. #

Go on, go on!

# And I think of all the things that you do

# And in my head I paint a picture!

# Won't you come on over

# Stop making a fool out of me

# Why won't you come on over... #

Valerie.

Wahey!

That was amazing! Did you like that?

Muchos gracias, Alessandra.

It's Russell.

Can you get a translator?

I can't really understand what you're saying.

I'll tell you one thing. You're a brave woman.

Since we're having a laugh, did you read about this?

Oh, oh, yeah!

It was a joke about... A priest said it was about anal sex.

I wasn't...

Where's he gone? He's gone. What...

APPLAUSE

Have a look at this mental story about a dad who wanted

to discipline his daughter.

An Okeechobee dad wanted to discipline his 12-year-old daughter

by paddling her, but he didn't want to break the law,

so he called a sheriff's deputy to come to his house to supervise.

What?

He wanted to hit his kids so he rang the police

and they watched him do it?!

How pervy are those coppers?!

"Am I doing it right, officer?

"Yeah..."

"Think your wife needs telling off, too."

"There's been a murder." "Not now!"

Over in America, have you been watching the Republican race for the White House?

Wow! It's between Ben Carson - crazy! -

and Donald Trump - crazy!

First up, let's meet Carson.

Ben Carson, a neurosurgeon and Seventh-day Adventist

who talks openly about his faith...

He's a Christian.

Humble, principled. He is the anti-Trump.

So why is he crazy? Well, because he says stuff like this.

-You think being gay is a choice?

-Absolutely.

-Why do you say that?

Because a lot of people who go into prison go in to prison straight

and when they come out, they're gay.

Must have missed that bit in the Shawshank Redemption.

"I remember the first time I saw Andy."

"He walked into the prison, tore up a photo of his wife

"and sucked my balls."

"They say hope can kill a man.

"Well, balls can nearly choke him."

Now, he's not just... Sorry.

He's not just homophobic,

did you see what he said about Obama providing health care to poor people?

Obamacare is, really, I think,

the worst thing that has happened in this nation

since slavery.

The worst thing since...

9/11? Vietnam?

Honey Boo-Boo?

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

What a dick, though. Mind you, what I say

is nothing compared to this guy.

Mr Long-legged Mack Daddy.

Yes, that's right, my friends.

Pastor Manning is back. So, is he a fan of Ben Carson?

I can't really figure it out!

Ben Carson is a demon!

Right.

So that's a no.

He is a lunatic, look what he said about Carson supporters.

And everybody who supports him

are closeted sodomites, fags, lesbos, buttlickers.

Buttlickers?

Whatever turns him on.

So, that's Carson. Let's meet the front runner, Donald Trump.

A man with all the charm of a turd that won't flush.

I want surveillance of certain mosques, OK?

It has not been easy for me.

I started off in Brooklyn,

my father gave me a small loan of 1 million.

The Ku Klux Klan leader has described Trump as...

You've called women you don't like fat pigs, dogs,

slobs and disgusting animals.

Who cares?

How is he in the lead? Mind you, you think that's bad,

look at what he said about his own daughter.

I've said that if Ivanka weren't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her.

Stop it, it's so weird!

And when he's not trying to bone his kids,

all he keeps banging on about is building a wall to keep Mexicans out.

We will have a wall, the wall will be built,

the wall will be successful,

and if you think walls don't work all you have to do is ask Israel.

Oh, yeah, yeah! It's really peaceful over there!

Walls work - not if you ask Palestinians,

you hamster-haired bellend.

He's such a tit, look what else he said about Mexicans.

He called Mexican migrants who came to the US rapists and murderers.

He even had a pop at kids saying that children of Mexican immigrants

weren't real American citizens,

and how did one activist group respond?

It was hugely controversial but I have to show you.

Hola, Donald Trump, screaming "Get out of my country."

-Republicans use offensive words.

-So here's a few of our own.

-BLEEP

-you, racist

-BLEEP.

APPLAUSE

This next story is guaranteed to bring a tear to your eye.

Urghhh!

Every man you tell reacts in the same way to this story.

-Ah!

-Oh!

-Ah!

-Ahh! Ohh! Aah!

HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM

Did you hear about the plans for school photos?

A school photographer in West Sussex has outraged parents

by offering to airbrush their children's pictures.

Airbrush school photos! I would have loved that in my day. Look at this!

Don't applaud, I look like Harry Potter's German pen-pal.

That photo is all over the internet.

It's even been turned into a meme.

I didn't write this joke. Look what they've done.

Ha-ha-ha, funny.

Check out what this amazing man in America did to a bear.

Only on CBS 13 tonight, a story like one you've probably never heard.

A Foothills man came face-to-face with a bear outside his home.

He didn't run, he didn't call Fish and Game,

instead he wound up and he punched the bear in the face.

He came up and he turned, boom!

I hit him hard.

He punched a bear in the face!

Not only is he hard as nails, he is also every single shade of crazy.

Carl Moore is not a guy who scares easily.

The man or beast that I run from ain't been born

and its momma's already dead.

That just doesn't make any sense!

"The beast that I run from hasn't been born,

"his momma's dead, and his cousin's got a verruca."

"No, I will not put my tiny dog down!"

I love - I LOVE - what he reckons the bear did to provoke the fight.

I raised both hands in the air and I cussed at him!

-"Ya, get out of here, you

-BLEEP!"

He looked at me like "Go F yourself."

I don't want to say this man likes a drink,

but he is claiming on national TV

that a bear told him to fuck off.

"You should have seen him. He was outside the window like that.

"Looking me straight in the eye!"

He is the scariest man in the world.

I mean, how terrified does his dog look?

"Help me, man!

"He hasn't put me down for five years!

"I sent word to the bears to get me out

"but he punched one of them in the face!"

"Last week, he dressed me up in his ex-wife's clothes."

"The other day, I shouldn't be telling you this,

"but the other day he smeared his balls in peanut butter."

"Now, I hate balls...

"but I love peanut butter!"

"He played me like a fool!"

APPLAUSE

Did you see what the Government want firemen to do?

What?

This therapy is really helping.

Ever since I lost Mum...

..my life's spiralled out of control.

Do you know the best thing about that sketch?

Look at the professional way that I reacted.

Oh...!

BLEEP!

And I am awake! Shit the bed!

That is so cold.

So, there you go, that's all, folks.

Thank you so much for watching the series, it's been a hoot.

Until we meet each other again, my friends,

farewell, goodnight, Merry Christmas!

APPLAUSE