Episode 8 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains strong language.

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Hello!

And welcome to Good News!

So, what's been happening?

Over in America,

they learned that Take Your Cat To Work Day is a bad idea.

This cat has actually been entertaining us in the studio!

LAUGHTER

Is it me? Or did this bloke say what I think he did?

You can see in the eyes,

how thrilled they are to have in front of them...

dickheads.

Don't you hate it when you forget how to end a sentence?

But first, a look at her transition from actress to...actress...

"Shite!"

And finally, the award for most terrifying stare of the week

has to go to this man.

Now, the big news of the week was Storm Desmond.

Three months' rainfall in not much more than a day

and this was the result.

Schools, hospitals and transport networks grind to a close.

Thousands of homes are still without power.

The Met Office says Storm Desmond has broken rainfall records

dating back to the 19th century.

There's just too much water.

What we want to know - these floods cause such devastation.

Why do we give them silly names? Storm Desmond!

It sounds like a really shit member of the X-Men.

"Behold, I am Storm Desmond!

"This is my friend, Windy Dave!"

Whoooooooa!

They're always so naff, aren't they? Hurricane Edna, Monsoon Nigel.

We don't do that with anything else.

"I can't come in today, I've got Flu Margaret."

I feel so sorry for the people affected by the floods.

Some lost their homes, some their businesses.

One lady was so traumatised,

she didn't notice someone nicking her kid.

All the power went out and the pub was just in darkness.

And getting back, all the taxis were not taking them on.

Now, one of the worst-affected places was the northern town of Cockermouth.

That's...

LAUGHTER

That's how you pronounce it. Cockermouth.

This isn't.

Katie Spencer had been over to Lancaster today. Um...

Cocklemooth...

Jesus. Still, at least she had a go.

Bill Turnbull thought it was so filthy,

he couldn't even look the nation in the eyes.

Now, we're hoping to speak later to Jonty Chippendale,

who runs a toy shop in the Cumbrian town of Cockermouth.

So brilliant!

Now, talking of filth, if you're going to report on a biscuit factory,

don't say this.

The famous McVitie's factory here, that has been flooded.

Lots of soggy biscuits, no doubt, in there.

Mind you, British coverage was nothing.

Look how they reported it in Ireland.

It's like something from the Apocalypse.

Don't make unnecessary journeys!

Don't take risks on treacherous roads! And don't swim in the sea!

"Don't swim in the sea!

"Don't go hang gliding! Tell my family I love them!"

She's like something out of Game Of Thrones. "Save yourself!

"Winter is fucking coming!"

Not that...

Not that it was all bad news from Ireland. Did you hear about this?

Did you see the picture? You have never seen joy like it.

Look at his face! Look at that face!

What I would say, if you want to find that picture,

don't Google "woman making donkey happy". Don't do it.

Just don't do it.

Now, back in England, just when you think the situation can't get

any worse for the flood victims, look who rocked up.

This afternoon, the Prime Minister came to see the damage for himself.

Have they not suffered enough?!

IN PLUMMY ACCENT: "Hello, Northerners.

"I'm the one who cut the budget for flood defence in the first place.

"Now, what's this I hear about a soggy biscuit?"

The big political news of the week was this.

Labour has comfortably won the Oldham West & Royton by-election.

Jeremy Corbyn called it a vote of confidence in his party.

If the result was relief for Labour, it was embarrassment for UKIP,

with Mr Farage, left, alleging

postal vote fraud and other irregularities.

Did you see why Nigel Farage reckoned UKIP didn't win?

Look what he said about the voters.

They don't speak English.

I mean, UKIP does not get votes from people who don't speak English.

Of course you don't! All you go on about is wanting them to leave.

What a tit.

HARRUMPHING: "Why won't they vote for me?

"I went door to door for four hours and told every one of them

"to fuck off, and this is how they repay me?!"

My final political story is definitely my favourite.

This is a good question for you.

Would you get hit by a Taser to raise money for charity?

Yes, I would.

Check out what an American mayor did.

Agh! Don't! Don't!

Ouch!

The mayor of Glendale, Arizona, Jerry Weiers, did just that.

He allowed an Arizona Coyotes fan

to zap him during a fundraiser for the 100 Club.

He got Tasered to raise money for charity.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

I know a mayor...

LAUGHTER

We start a campaign

to get Boris Johnson

Tasered for charity.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come on!

Come on, come on.

The world's so tense, mate. You can make a difference!

Come on, Boris.

I've already done an appeal video.

Dear Boris. Please get Tasered for charity.

Please get Tasered for charity.

I can't believe you're ignoring this, Boris.

Come on, think of the noises you'd make.

Who-wha-who-wha-who...

Why do you hate me, Boris?

Come on, Boris. You'd look like a fried Womble.

So, come on, let's get Boris Tasered.

ELECTRICAL SPARKING

Come on!

This next story is great.

Did you hear about the massive crimewave

sweeping through North Wales?

You may remember last month,

we told you about the theft of bees on Anglesey.

Well, this time, it's apples and plums in the Conwy Valley.

Fruit burglars have hit around a dozen gardens

and orchards in five villages.

Only in Wales.

IN WELSH ACCENT: "Hello, 999.

"Some bastard's had my apples. Hang on, hang on. There's more here.

"They've only gone and stolen the leaves.

"What? Is it? Autumn. Oh."

I love... I love how seriously they take this story.

I mean, look at the language this reporter uses.

So, who's to blame? Well, all sorts of stories are doing the rounds.

"It must be someone local," one person told me, "to know where all those apple trees are."

"Oh, no," said another. "They've come in from away."

But whoever it is, something sinister is afoot here.

Sinister?

They've nicked Granny Smiths. They haven't summoned the Devil!

Welsh ghost stories must be pretty tame.

"And the children went into the orchard

"and all the apples were gone!"

A-A-Agh!

"Instead, they had to cook rhubarb crumble."

"Wa-a-ah! Stop it, Mum, I'm going to shit my pants!"

"Tomorrow, I'll tell you the one about the pear

"that was left in a schoolbag and went squidgy!"

I love this story so much. They even got the police involved.

It's a mystery why they are going after one fruit and not the other.

We don't know at this stage

what's going through the mind of the person

who's stealing these fruits.

I'll tell you what's going through their mind - they fancy an apple.

Just when you think it can't get any better,

look who a local farmer blamed.

"It was aliens."

"Shall we harvest the Earth's minerals?"

"No. Let's go scrumping.

"Later on, we can watch the one they call Boris Johnson get Tasered!"

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

Absolutely!

Now, from aliens to a lovely little story from Bristol.

Now, if you've ever wondered what Avon & Somerset Police get up to

each day, their officers are spending 24 hours

tweeting about what they do and what sort of calls they deal with.

So, are they getting phone calls about knife crimes and drug busts?

No. This is so wonderful. I'm not making this up.

This is a genuine call a man from the West Country made to the police.

IN WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: "Don't laugh. I literally just got away.

"I'm so lucky. That badger was on my arse.

"Luckily, an alien appeared and started throwing apples at it."

So apples, badgers - can it get madder?

Yes, it can. Check out the latest advice being offered to police.

Witches?!

Who did the crime, Esmeralda? "Eye of frog and wing of bees,

"she sells pirate DVDs.

"Hair of newt and crocodile smile,

"he looks like a paedophile."

This next story is so ridiculous. Talk about first-world problems.

Children in English schools are some of the unhappiest in the world.

10 and 12-year-olds in this country are less satisfied with their lives

than those living in 13 other countries,

including Ethiopia, Algeria and Romania.

What?!

British ten-year-olds are the most depressed in the world?

Christ, what are their playground jokes like?

"Knock-knock." "Who's there?"

"Does it matter? We're all going to die anyway."

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"

"To throw itself under a truck?"

"How many kids does it take to change a light bulb?"

"I'd rather sit in the dark."

Depressed ten-year-olds. Do you know the maddest thing?

Look how the government want to fix this crisis.

You can't teach happiness. It's an elusive beast.

You'll never know what's going to bring you joy.

Most people's souls were warmed when they watched the John Lewis ad.

Me, this is the Christmas ad that made me happy.

CHRISTMASSY MUSIC PLAYS

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

My guest tonight is a broadcaster who has done it all -

radio, TV, producing,

and his life has even been turned into a sitcom.

My name's Danny Baker and I am the grand old man of broadcasting.

30 years, man and boy.

MUSIC: Rebel Rebel by David Bowie

There's always people in this country trying to stop us

doing what we're doing. Don't talk like that to me, right?

Get off the station or I'll call the police.

Don't you dare talk to me like that

cos I'll come back when I'm not on telly!

The one thing they've never, ever said to me is,

"Dan, you are a sex symbol."

Just one nutty animal, I guess.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome one of the most charming

and intelligent men I've ever met, Danny Baker.

-CHEERING

-Thank you, everybody. Thank you.

-Thank you for coming on the show.

-No, no, praise from Caesar.

Straight away, what... When you were a young man

and you were pushing that bloke, what was all that about?

One of the dopey things we used to do on that show 30-odd years ago,

asking people,

"Oh, what do you say to your lover on Valentine's Day?"

One of these things.

And some bloke just... "Oh, telly people."

And he just jumped in front of the camera

and started going, "Right, you, you shut up and you..."

Well, I ain't like that. I said, "Who are you fucking talking to?"

Now, these days there would be forms filled in and all...

Did you see that bit when I actually said, "I'll tell you what, mate,

"I'll come back here when we ain't got cameras.

"You talk to me like that..."

That wasn't the only time.

I remember nearly throwing somebody over a wall.

That volatile side of me has seen me walk off radio shows live on air,

walk out of television shows just before broadcast.

"See you, good night."

I find that so odd about you

because I think you're one of the most sort of euphoric men...

Oh, I'm an absolute euphoric, that's the word.

I know I can be annoyingly ebullient but that's all right.

Yes, I like to look up, not down.

And my only thing in life is to be a good host.

APPLAUSE

I bet you're an amazing host. That's what I like about you.

I remember when I did your radio show,

you had a question on which was,

"Tell us about the funniest or the strangest thing that's ever

"happened in your attic."

And you were making your way through people's houses.

I throw about nine subjects out and the great thing about the BBC,

they leave you alone to come in and make it up, they don't ask me what

I'm going to say and the BBC's about the only place that let you do that.

Last week it was, "Have you ever knocked your mum and dad out by accident?"

And that's the thing.

With radio, there's no point going on there and saying generic stuff.

"What's your most embarrassing moment? What do you think about...?"

No, say something that only about four or five people will be

able to ring in about, but when they do,

everyone's going to lean in and go, "What?"

"What has become stuck to your grandmother?"

And don't say your grandfather.

So that kind of stuff, which is not the generic, hopefully...

And I think that's your sort of gift,

you have a real fondness of humanity and humanity's quirks.

It certainly manifests itself in a respect for an audience.

You don't want an audience to hear the same old stuff.

I think it's more than that, I think you're interested in people and...

It's called conversation, Russell, that's all it is.

There's this terrible thing these days on television, on radio,

all the way through the media of saying, "We're here for YOU.

"YOU tell us what you think. We're YOUR show."

Here, hang on, but you're getting paid for it. We're not.

All they ask of someone on telly is to sit and go, "Do you know what?

"That's good, I wouldn't have thought of that.

"That's why he's getting paid," and too often you don't see it.

I like that, I like that a lot.

We have got questions from the audience,

so I'm going to do these, but I need...

-I can't be concise, I can't.

-Try it.

-All right, go on.

Right, if you were Prime Minister for a day,

what law would you change?

I would make postage stamps flavoured.

If you could pick three people to go on an all-day drinking session,

who would you choose?

I think I might have done that, actually.

It has been well-documented.

If you could wake up in the body of someone else, who would it be?

Wake up in the body of somebody else, who would it be?

Me and my wife have got this thing

and I think a lot of couples do it and I say to her,

"Wend, you know if Jennifer Aniston rings up, boom, I'm gone. I'm gone."

And she says... You know, Whatsit Downey Jr.

-Robert Downey Jr.

-And it's the same with him.

I think if I was Robert Downey Jr, I could even remove this

minuscule worry from our life.

How romantic is that?

The idea that you would be Robert Downey Jr

just to seduce your wife.

-That means you're in love.

-It might give her a break but...

That's just so sweet. You could do anything.

"Right, I must go home and make love to my wife."

A lot of people don't do that.

No-one's done that because no-one's ever been Robert...

"I can see the way you're looking at her," but it's not going to happen.

That'll be you shagging Jennifer Aniston

and it'll probably turn out to be your wife.

-"She'll do," I said.

-Two more. What's on your bucket list?

-Nothing.

-OK.

-To tell the truth...

-LAUGHTER

-I had... No, there ain't.

-OK, but you're still talking.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I wonder when I'll find out what that's like.

Let me just say this, I know you're out of time.

I got shot twice in one night - shot! Shot in Jamaica Road.

-Shot in Jamaica Road?

-Shot in Jamaica Road.

-Is that a euphemism, or...?

-No, no, shot.

All right, very quickly, just for us. Then we'll finish.

I was coming down in 1976 and as I'm walking down Jamaica Road,

there was about nine of us, we've all had a couple.

This bottle-green Rover passes us, no other traffic.

This car goes by and I hear...

I hear that. And I remember thinking,

"They say you never hear the shot that kills you,"

so at least I knew I weren't going to die, cos I heard that.

But it wasn't an air pistol but it wasn't a proper bullet,

it was them ones in between. Like a long slab with a feather on the end.

They're really vicious and it hit me in the knee. I went, "Oh! Oh!"

All me mates are walking along and I said, "I've been shot."

They went, "What?"

The blood was there and I said, "I've been shot."

They were like, "Baker's been shot, come back."

I've seen this feather sticking out and I'm going like this, Russell,

I'm try to pull it.

I said, "That car going towards the Rotherhithe Tunnel."

West Ham supporters did use to come round south London

and fire at Millwall supporters.

We didn't have Nintendo in them days, all right?

I'm pulling this thing out. What we didn't know is that

as you get to Rotherhithe Tunnel, there's a roundabout.

The car has hit the roundabout,

now is coming up the other side of the road.

All the car can see is this.

I swear to God, at 30mph, you've got to admire it.

Now, if you think your mates laugh when you've been shot in the knee...

You snap up like a straight razor cos you've been shot in the arse.

"Oh!"

They said, "What happened?"

You know, I went home and you kind of put a sticking plaster

on in the mirror cos you ain't doing it right

and I've still got the scar there and I've got the scar on me arse.

So all I'm saying is, when you were saying about, "Can you shut up?"

There's a lot to say.

I'm going to keel over and die one day, as is the audience.

Anyway, that is the engine that powers me.

There we go, ladies and gentlemen, we could listen to him all night.

The wonderful Danny Baker.

CHEERING

Did you hear about this mental scientific breakthrough?

Pigeons may be able to help detect breast cancer.

What?!

"Ooh, excuse me.

"Your boobs.

"They're bad.

"You need doctors. You need to check your boobs.

"They've got...

"I'm trying to help you.

"Boobs, you need doctors.

"Aaah!"

HIGH-PITCHED, MUFFLED COMPLAINING

"I'm trying to help you, what is wrong with people?

"She won't be told, she won't be flipping told.

"Have you got any bread, at least?"

This story is so weird - look how they found this out.

Researchers from the University of Iowa have trained a pigeon

to read mammograms.

Surprisingly, many of the birds were able to tell

the difference between cancer and benign breast tissue.

They trained them to read mammograms.

Read them yourselves, you lazy shits!

What's next? Getting meerkats to do CPR? Just...

"Clear.

"Clear.

"Clear."

Pigeons can detect cancer?

I'm not sure birds are as clever as they think they are.

Goodbye, little bird.

THUD, LAUGHTER

That wasn't the only story that freaked me out.

Did you hear about William Shakespeare? This is fascinating.

An interesting discovery about William Shakespeare.

Yes, THAT William Shakespeare.

-The Bard.

-Forensic testing of... The Bard. ..of his 400-year-old pipes

suggest the great English poet, playwright

and actor may have smoked more than tobacco

because South African scientists found the presence of cannabis,

suggesting he may have been high

when he wrote some of his famous works.

Yeah, apparently Shakespeare smoked pot.

"DOOBIE or not DOOBIE...

"What was the question?"

"Romeo, Romeo, oh, Romeo, Romeo, Romeo...

"Romeo.

"You got the number for Domino's?

"O serpent heart hid with a flowering face!

"Did ever a dragon keep so fair a cave?

"Fuck, I am baked."

Finally tonight,

a heart-warming story about a teacher who's also a brilliant dad.

HE MIMICS AN ALARM

Test question alert.

I've never had a teacher like him at all.

He is the epitome of what I think a teacher should be.

There's no room for napping cos you're learning.

This guy is just crazy, he's exploding with fun.

-EXPLOSION

-Ohh!

He said, "I couldn't care less about Newton's third law.

"I want to teach something for you to take outside of school."

Abbie is perfect in every way.

She's 15 going on 25, I love her to death.

When Adam came along, all of a sudden a boy pops out

and I'm thinking, "Wow, this is cool.

"Now I've got a girl and a boy," and all the dreams of,

"Wow, I'm to be going to football games,

"I'm going to be going to baseball games."

Whatever it be, yeah, I'm going to be there for my little buddy.

He was born with something called Joubert syndrome,

only 417 people in the whole world have it.

I have a completely intelligent little boy,

but he can't control what his body does,

even though his body's completely functional.

The fact that right now your butt's on that chair,

your butt tells your brain which way up is.

His brain doesn't do that.

One day, I went to her room and she had Adam in the middle of all

of her dolls and I'm thinking, "What are you doing?"

She said, "Playing with my little brother."

I'm thinking, "He doesn't know how to play."

She said, "Adam," she said, like,

"Hand me a doll," or something and he just smacked it.

And I'm thinking, "Wait a minute, if he smacked that, he can see.

"When did you find out he can see?"

"I don't know, he just started smacking dolls."

I'm thinking, "Holy mackerel."

And so then we started working with him

and trying to teach him a little sign language

and there was nothing more incredible

than the day you see this.

What's that mean?

"Daddy, I love you."

So cool. That's when I knew

I didn't care about HOW things worked any more,

it's the reason WHY things work, it's because of love.

That's what makes it all the why we exist.

So in that great big universe that we have with all those stars,

who cares? Well, somebody cares about you a lot.

And as long as we care about each other, that's where we go from here.

-I didn't know that was going to happen.

-I know, it's hard, hard.

You said "play", right?

Huh?

Did you say "play"?

You did?

What do you want to play? Huh?

What do you want to play?

Ha-ha-ha!

APPLAUSE

Thanks very much for watching Good News.

Good night, my friends, good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE