Episode 7 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much indeed!

Oh!

Welcome to Good News. So, what's been happening?

Here's a tip - if you're going to stand behind a live interview,

careful where you put your hands.

And that was the key word - "hopeful"...

LAUGHTER

Over at Channel 4, Matt Frei wins my award for quickest face change ever.

Andy Davies reporting from Rhyl.

After the break, from the prince to the former president's sex scandal,

a convicted paedophile and the connections he had

with some of the most powerful people in the world.

LAUGHTER

See if you can spot the exact moment

someone popped a finger up this guy's arse.

Dealing with a difficult incident...

when it's in the middle of the difficult incident.

And finally, this young man gives the finest interview

I've ever seen on BBC Breakfast.

-Yes, very sadly, this liver needs to be replaced...

-CHILD LAUGHS

..and...

So there will be more people on the register cos it will be automatic...

CHILD BLOWS RASPBERRIES

..obviously those people still need to make their wishes known

to their next of kin cos the next of kin can still override...

-Go and say hello.

-Tracey's going to look after you.

-There you go, Harry.

-Say hello to Tracey. OK.

-Tracey's going to catch him.

-Sorry.

-She's going to catch him!

-Just tell us a little bit about...

-Oh.

-Oh, he's back.

-OK.

-Sorry.

-Tell you what...

I wanted to talk about what it was like waiting...

I'm just going to wait until he's safely with Tracey.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, the big news of the week was definitely this.

MPs have voted in favour of launching air strikes

against the so-called Islamic State in Syria.

Within an hour of MPs approving operations,

the RAF had dispatched jets from their base in Cyprus.

67 Labour MPs defied their party leader, Jeremy Corbyn,

and voted with the government.

Corbyn lost his battle with Cameron to not bomb Syria

after a heated debate with Labour MPs.

How angry were they? Ridiculously so.

Look at this. Apparently some of his MPs were...

Jesus!

"I am livid!

"Cover me in superglue and fetch my trampoline!"

Our politicians shouldn't be angry.

They should be calm.

The world is so tense at the moment.

Did you see what Turkey did?

A Russian fighter jet has been shot down by Turkish forces

along its border with Syria.

What are you doing, Turkey?

Don't start on Russia!

It's like Warwick Davis flicking an orc in the bollocks.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Just calm down. Do you know what I mean, though?

Do you know what I mean?

Did you see how long they waited before they shot the plane down?

17 seconds?! I've done farts longer than that.

What were they thinking?

"Mr President,

"there has been a Russian plane in our airspace for 12 seconds.

"Shall we blow it out of the sky and potentially start World War III?"

"Whoa! No, everybody calm down.

"Give it five more seconds.

"We don't want to come across as crazy."

Of all the people to wind up, why would you pick on Vladimir Putin?

He's not exactly balanced. Or as this guy puts it...

Putin's a nutter.

Damn right he is.

What other leader goes to the UN and gives himself a strangle wank?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And Russian military experts aren't exactly sane.

They should level the score and maybe teach Turkey a lesson

and shoot down a Turkish plane in response.

That's how wars start, though, isn't it?

That could lead to an escalation.

LAUGHTER

You think?

The world is so messed up at the moment.

Everywhere you turn there's horror.

Did you see what happened in America this week?

President Obama has made another call for tighter gun control

following the shooting at an abortion clinic in Colorado

which left three people dead.

Police said the gunman was a 57-year-old man

who gave himself up after a shoot-out with police.

He's a 57-year-old fuckwit. He shot... He is!

He shot three people at an abortion clinic cos he was pro-life.

LAUGHTER

How can you be pro-life and shoot someone?

HE MIMICS GUNSHOT "Stop killing people!

LAUGHTER

"Or I'll kill you!"

The lunacy gets worse.

Some people actually went on Twitter and praised him.

HE READS IN US ACCENT

No, she didn't, you stupid gimp.

Women don't have abortions for a laugh,

they do it cos they're scared, they're young,

they may have been raped,

and maybe they don't want to bring a baby into a world

where morons shoot pregnant women.

"I'm pro-life!" If you're so pro-life,

why don't you fuck off and get one?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's true, though, isn't it?

Abortion is a personal choice

and sometimes, refusing one can have grave consequences.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

See what I mean?

# Baby, baby, baby... # No.

Tell you who else I feel sorry for - Obama.

Every time there's a shooting,

you see him on the news like a broken man.

As a country, we have been through this too many times.

There's nothing normal about our children

being gunned down in their classrooms.

Part of what makes this so painful is that we've been here before.

We've talked about this after Columbine and Blacksburg,

after Tucson, after Newtown, after Aurora, after Charleston...

Look at him. Look at him, he's on the verge of tears.

But what can he do? America has such a gun-obsessed culture.

I mean, where else would you see a product like this?

Anna Henry is giving the meaning of "girl power"

a whole new round of ammo.

With the breakaway tab, you can quickly grab it

-and pop it right out.

-Armed and ready at any moment's notice,

the Topeka native shows off her very own concealed carry corset.

She's invented knickers that hold guns.

Who needs a tooled-up fanny? Nobody!

But then, what hope did she have when her grandad - her grandad! -

taught her bullshit like this?

The company, based in Kansas City, Missouri,

is named for her grandfather, Dean Adams, a Topeka man who taught Henry

"A gun is no different than a lawn mower."

LAUGHTER

What?!

Guns are no different from lawn... Yes, they are!

No-one's ever been the victim of a drive-by strimming!

HE MAKES LAWNMOWER NOISES

You don't see nutters going to schools with Flymos.

"Just come here!" LAWNMOWER NOISES

"Come here!" LAWNMOWER NOISES

"I can't reach you with the cable, come here!"

So what else? Well, Black Friday happened.

Last year, we saw this...

The rush to find a Black Friday bargain descended into chaos

and, in some places, violence today.

-The loser...

-BLEEP, BLEEP!

-..a little bit of British decorum.

Go for it!

Thousands of people punching each other for tellies.

This year... Not quite so chaotic.

They opened early for business in Norwich,

but they needn't have bothered.

There wasn't a shopper in sight.

-You're the only one here, aren't you?

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Nobody turned up - it was wonderful!

Look at the plans they'd put in place at Debenhams.

Debenhams, we're standing outside -

they laid on 1,000 staff from 4.30 in the morning.

Each of them had a little survival bag ready for the onslaught.

Survival bag!

"Get ready...

"Any second..."

"Hmm...

"I don't think they're coming.

"I brought a shield."

We just didn't give a shit!

Americans, were they excited about Black Friday?

What do you think?

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Number one, yeah!

Yeah!

OK, OK, double, double!

YEAH!

Whooooo!

YEAH!

That is Jarvis Johnson.

He was so giddy about Black Friday,

he camped outside that shop for a week!

He became an internet sensation.

30 million people watched him online.

He may like a bargain, but his maths skills are appalling.

They say we hit over 30 million views

in less than a week. 30 million views in less than a week!

And if you really do the math on that,

30 million in a week?

Oh, my God. 8, 16, 24, 32...

That's almost 9 million views a day. Almost!

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

Let me do the math on that.

7, 14, 21... 28. So let's do...

OK. Retrack the math, retrack the math!

What was it? Three times seven?

I love him so much!

But that's nothing.

My favourite bit was when he was interviewed in his tent

and then this happened.

You are also a freestyle rapper.

Give me a little rap about Black Friday.

# Yo, check it, check it, check it out

# Hope you like the price, cos it's very, very nice

# I'm doin' what I do, I'm tryin-a get a TV just for you

# Ooh, one-49, for a 49 inch

# I hope you like the TV cos I like it too

# Ooh, there we go. #

Yeah! I love it. You are great.

Who raps about shopping?

# I like shopping, check the dollar that I spend

# Makes me feel like dancing in my big-ass tent

# People be hatin' like "You a stupid fool!"

# Well, joke's on them

I'm collecting vouchers for school. #

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

I got them. I got them vouchers.

On Monday, I got four vouchers.

Tuesday, I got five.

So what's that? Four plus five, what's that?

17? Is that... No. No, no. It's 11 plus...12.

Like, if you carry... Hang on, like, four plus four is 117.

I don't know!

Retrack the math! Retrack the math!

In political news, the unthinkable happened.

As U-turns go, it was a pretty big one.

The Chancellor, George Osborne, has scrapped his controversial plans

to cut tax credits for millions of low-paid workers.

So weird, innit?

George Osborne's done something nice...

LAUGHTER

The whole world's changed.

What next? Joey Essex on QI?

I bet you're all like me, I was so excited by this.

I thought, "Maybe the Tory party have changed.

"Maybe they're going to start listening to us."

And then I read about this wanker.

That's Philip Davies. Remember him?

A few weeks ago, he spoke for 93 minutes

so that a bill to give carers free hospital parking couldn't be debated.

Well, guess what?

What an arsehole!

"I don't want kids learning about First Aid.

"I want them to learn relevant things that will help them today,

"like Latin and the recorder."

It's such bullshit! I've put someone in the recovery position.

I've never been at a party and gone, "I know what this needs!"

HE HUMS Little Donkey

You know?

Some girl in the corner - "Dominus meus, Russell. Dominus meus!"

It gets even more ludicrous.

Did you see the reason why he wanted this bill blocked?

What kind of logic is that?!

"Don't learn things that I forgot."

Kids shouldn't be punished just cos you're a shit for brains.

What I want... Yeah! CHEERING

What I want to know...

He does my head in, this bloke. What I want to know -

how is he allowed to get away with filibustering?

Basically, what he does - he speaks for long enough

so that important things can't be discussed in parliament.

That's what filibustering is. He just talks bollocks to stop democracy.

Well, if he's allowed to make stuff up to pass the time, then so am I.

LAUGHTER

Philip Davies can only shit if a cat watches him.

What? What? I'm just filibustering.

Philip Davies... Philip Davies loves to sniff bike seats.

What? I'm not saying you do, Phil, I'm just saying... I'm filibustering!

Philip Davies' only hobbies - ONLY hobbies -

are killing ladybirds and farting in lifts.

It's filibustering.

52 minutes of this I've got!

Philip Davies...

'The BBC would like to point out that Russell was true to his word,

'and did talk bollocks for 52 minutes,

'but as this is a 28-minute show, we've had to fast-forward.'

..and most importantly, Philip Davies can only get hard

thinking about Jeremy Kyle.

APPLAUSE

Yeah!

What...

What I'm trying to say is that filibustering shouldn't be allowed.

We elect MPs to discuss things that matter to us

and this archaic bullshit has to stop.

You might think this is great for droning on and on,

but the edited version is far more interesting.

I mean, as far as I'm concerned,

I'm...an idiotic...arse...hole.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

My guest tonight is the leader of the Liberal Democrats.

Tim Farron has been elected to lead the Liberal Democrats,

succeeding Nick Clegg,

who resigned after the party's worst every election result.

Tim Farron will be unknown to most voters,

but he's been a Liberal activist for decades.

This may be a small step for Liberals,

but it's a giant leap for Leyland.

He first stood for parliament in 1992 against Theresa May,

then worked at a university before winning in the Lake District.

I am proud to be British and I am proud of Britain's values,

so when Mr Cameron turns his back on the needy

and turns his back on our neighbours,

I want the world to know he does not speak for me,

he does not speak for us, he does not speak for Britain.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Tim Farron.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you very much for coming on.

-Thanks for having me.

-Pleasure.

We were just chatting earlier

and the last interview - was it the last one you did? -

was at a primary school, and it was a brilliant...

Listen to the question he was asked by a kid, it was fantastic.

The best audiences anywhere -

so a seven-year-old lad at Sedbergh Primary School,

he says, "Have you met the Queen?" I say, "Yeah."

"Does she smell?"

-And the good thing...

-You can't prepare for those.

-No.

-"Fragrant" is the answer, obviously.

I imagine she smells of just a bit of Joop!

Fsst! Fsst!

IMITATES THE QUEEN: Go on, Tim, give us a sniff.

Tell me that's not just right.

You were there, too.

I'd sniff her, yeah. Just Prince Philip...

IMITATES PRINCE PHILIP: I smell of Lynx Africa...!

First question I have to ask you, have you ever met Philip Davies?

I have met Philip Davies.

Can you do me a favour next time you see him?

Just before he goes for a chat,

can you put some laxatives in his drink

so that he can't talk for 93 minutes?

He could talk for 93 minutes, he'd just be quite messy.

How do we stop it?

I think it's a thing that really annoys me,

it really pisses off the audience, but how do we stop filibustering?

Cos it seems so...undemocratic.

What I don't understand is why you would bother doing that,

particularly when it's coming down to free car parking for carers

or, you know, first aid in schools - surely you get involved in politics

to try and make a difference and to change things,

not to waste your Friday standing up to spoil somebody else's motion.

Exactly, man - I will applaud that.

APPLAUSE

As the leader of the Lib Dems, I have to ask you...

How is Nick Clegg?

Because I have an image of him and Ed Miliband

just meeting up and just weeping into their tea.

Is he all right?

He's fine - I actually bumped into him and Ed Miliband

-talking to each other the other week.

-Really?

-They both looked very relieved.

-Do you think? Swapping mix tapes?

I think it must be...

Yeah, I think that's what they do.

He's all right, I saw him earlier, he was fine.

Good - and do you think it was a mistake

to go into coalition or not?

I think we made some mistakes in coalition

but I didn't join to cop out - if you're involved in politics,

even if you choose a difficult route, which frankly, ours is,

you should want to be in power.

That's what I love about you,

because - I don't mean this with any offence -

it's very unlikely that you're going to be Prime Minister,

but you're trying...

No, but you're trying so hard and that's what I admire.

I was trying to think about what it's like,

and it's a bit like my brother

planning a date with Scarlett Johansson.

-Yeah?

-It's... It could happen...

-We're ready if it comes up.

Correct, and that's exactly what my brother's planning,

but it's never going to happen, and yet he's thinking,

"Maybe, just maybe,

"I could bang Scarlett Johansson."

And he would need to be ready should the opportunity arise.

That's what I think of you, now - just readying yourself for Scarlett.

I just...

An enduring image, will take some shaking off.

-But...

-There's a better way of putting it than that.

-Probably a better way of putting it.

-Don't shake it off.

Shake it off before the date.

Yeah, there you go. Right, we'll move on.

Why do you think people are so disillusioned with politicians?

-It's a tricky one, innit?

-Somebody once said

that nothing so disillusions the voter

than backing the winning candidate -

in other words, your hopes, generally speaking,

aren't fulfilled.

Now I try as a constituency MP to try and prove that wrong

by over-delivering, but...

So, for example, Justin Trudeau, leader of the Liberal Party in Canada,

just become Prime Minister of Canada, came from third place -

they had a shocking election the previous time,

so my hopes are very much on trying to emulate him in some way.

He's got better hair and a tattoo.

I can fix one of those things, but not the hair.

-If you want to get a tattoo tonight, I'll take you for a tat.

-Any advice?

-I'd get a big one on the back.

-Yeah? Saying What?

"Don't fuck with me."

Yeah, OK... OK.

And every time Philip Davies gets up,

-I'll just drop my top.

-Yeah.

That would be absolute... Oh, please.

Wouldn't that be great?

I think one of the reasons why people are disillusioned with politicians

is that noise a lot of them make in the House of Commons,

that..."Yah, yah...!"

-Because...

-Yeah.

-"Bah...!"

Like...it sounds like someone is doing something terrible

to Brian Blessed, and yet...

You never hear that noise in any other workplace.

Why do they do it?

We're all watching them going, "Stop making that noise!"

I've never felt so common

-as the day I first entered the House of Commons.

-Yeah.

There is a sense the House of Commons feels like a public school

and for lots of people, it probably reminds them of their school

and they behave a little bit like they did

-when they were at that kind of school.

-Yeah.

I didn't go to that kind of school.

So you should be just, sort of, egging them...

-We made different noises.

-What noises did you make at school?

Probably gobbing noises? I don't know.

There's no easy way of twisting this, but what do we do about Syria?

-So, there's no easy answer...

-Cos we're all terrified.

-Yeah.

I spent some time over the last few months

going to some of the refugee camps in the Greek islands and Calais,

near here, and you meet people, families,

including really small kids,

who have basically fled ISIS and have fled Assad

and the one thing I'm certain we can't do

-is turn our back on them cos it's too difficult.

-Yeah.

It is a really important thing that we tackle.

I am, by instinct, somebody who doesn't like the idea of war,

but sometimes you have to intervene

and we've just got to look at the evidence in front of us -

so Iran, Russia and the Western powers

are all talking to each other,

so that's the first time in ages that's happened.

It probably wouldn't have happened without the Paris outrage.

So the answer is talking together,

but you can't rule out the prospect of having to use military force

-to take on, frankly, the most evil people since the Nazis.

-Yeah.

APPLAUSE

Now, I've got...

-Here, I've got some audience questions.

-Great.

So this isn't on me - this is on our audience here.

-Looking forward to it.

-Yup. These are going to be quickfire.

Have you ever had a sexual encounter with a pig?

No.

No, I haven't.

That is a...

The morning that news arrived on our TV screens was the morning

I've never felt more happy to be a vegetarian.

RUSSELL LAUGHS

Nice.

What's the first thing you'd do if you became Prime Minister?

Pinch myself. Twirl around in the chair a bit, probably,

then I'd tackle the housing crisis.

Let's hope to God they record that.

"Argh! Spinny! Let's get serious."

Housing, housing...

1.6 million people on a council house waiting list

-and it's not fair. We need to build more homes.

-Good man.

At Christmas - this is an absolutely wonderful question,

this is from Joseph -

at Christmas, have you ever put drawing pins on the benches

in the House of Lords just to see ten lords a-leaping?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Haven't done that yet.

Do you actually like Russell Howard

or are you just here for the publicity?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-A bit of both, really.

-A bit of both...nice.

Final question here, final question here -

-what do you want to do with politics?

-Make a difference.

We'll all be forgotten.

If you try and set up a legacy and try to be remembered,

it's completely vain, it'll be in vain,

you'll never be remembered but you can do some good.

Providing affordable homes for people,

trying to tackle climate change for our grandchildren,

those sort of things, they're worth doing.

Absolutely. That was an absolute treat -

ladies and gentlemen, the wonderful Tim Farron!

-Thank you.

-Pleasure.

Some truly mad health stories in the news.

First up, you're going to love this.

Have a look at the way Norway

are trying to educate young people about STDs.

A 19-year-old glitter-spraying penis mascot

was sent out by sexual health charity RFSU

to spread awareness of STI prevention.

With the tag line, "The penis can surprise you",

the campaign features a giant penis

creeping up on people in parks and cafes

and spraying them with a golden shower of confetti.

THEY YELL

How does that promote safe sex?

"Shall we hand out condoms?"

"No...get Gunther to wear a dick costume and jizz glitter."

It's madness. That advert doesn't make you think about STDs.

All it makes you think -

how cool would it be

to jizz glitter?

Parties would be amazing.

"Surprise!"

"Hooray!"

Greeting cards - "Love you, Nan."

"Yeah!" GROANING AND LAUGHTER

"He loves me! He loves me!"

Think about it - spunk in hair - urgh!

Glitter in the hair - wahey!

# Boogie nights... #

Mind you, it'd be quite hard to convince your mum

you hadn't been masturbating.

"What the bloody hell is this?

"Like a bomb's gone off in Hobbycraft, you dirty bastard!"

"Wasn't me, Mum, wasn't me."

"Oh, really? Has someone stamped on Tinkerbell?"

Do you know what I love the most? I love how unbothered they are.

Imagine that in England.

THEY CHAT

Wahey!

Finally tonight, here's a lovely story

that shows you're never too old to follow your dreams.

At Lee Valley Athletics Centre on Sunday, a new world record -

the fastest 200m runner on earth...in the over-95s category.

STARTERS' GUN

Eugster rises from his blocks in lane number two -

it was virtually a standing start,

he's quickly upright and into his running.

It's an economical style -

not too much in terms of high knee lift,

the arms aren't pumping.

Charles Eugster's time of 55.48 seconds

shaved 2.4 seconds off the previous record.

I felt as if I was running like a young buck,

but when I saw the video, it looked to me as if

I was one of those 100-year-old tortoises trying to catch a female.

His success suggests Charles was born to be a sprinter.

It just took him 95 years to realise.

I was always a very poor runner. I couldn't run.

I'm not a runner at all.

The point was that I decided that it was time to start something new.

You can rebuild your body at old age.

You can start something new at old age.

You can even win a medal and break a record, regardless of age.

Later this year, Charles hopes for another record

at the World Masters Championships.

At 95 years of age, the best could be yet to come.

APPLAUSE

Thanks very much for watching Good News.

Goodnight, my friends. Goodnight, farewell!