Episode 6 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello!

Thank you very much indeed!

Hello, and welcome to Good News! So, what's been happening?

Over at Sky, Martin was furious about his penis operation.

It's got more width, but not quite the length.

BBC Look North interviewed the most wonderful

and terrifying granny ever.

I will be very proud of them, but if they let their botty

hang out, and their stomach and their shoulders, I shall

throw them in the river!

Oh...

Is it me, or is there one person in this report not paying attention?

But among these two party activists -

neither of whom voted for Mr Corbyn...

And finally, don't you love the way they present the weather in Finland?

HE SPEAKS IN FINNISH

So, what's been going on?

Well, as feared, the Paris attacks are still in the news

for all the wrong reasons.

Here in the UK, many Muslims say they are worried about a

backlash against them in Europe, as a result of the attacks in Paris.

I'm not surprised Muslims are worried -

some of the reactions to this tragedy have been so moronic.

I mean, did you hear about this?

Did you see her posts?

HE IMITATES THE WOMAN'S VOICE

"Can't I protect my country?!

"And the way I'm going to do that is by refusing to wax people's foofs."

People that had nothing to do with the attacks in the first place!

It's such insane logic.

How is that protecting your country?

Like Isis are going to be on the news. "Please! We surrender!

"Let us have vajazzles!

"None of this is worth it if we can't have tinted eyelashes!"

What I want to know - how can you be racist AND run a beauty salon?

Fake tans must be a nightmare.

Come in, madam.

IMITATES SPRAY

Now, get the fuck out of my shop!

It's madness.

Terrorists aren't into beauty or grooming.

Most of them look like kebabs.

Idiocy wasn't just confined to Britain -

did you see how the American right-wing media responded?

Did they promote peace and understanding?

What do you think?

Paris should be a wake-up call for every American.

Applications for gun permits have surged since the Paris attacks.

Was anybody in that dancehall able to shoot back? No!

Arm yourself and protect yourself.

We cannot wait for the police - we need to rely on ourselves.

One solution - guns, guns, guns.

"Pick up your Boom Boom stick, America!

"We got to shoot our way to peace!"

It's so depressing - every single time there's a tragedy -

it gets hijacked by fear-mongering, gun-obsessed idiots.

I mean, look at the gun this tool has designed.

A Florida gun manufacturer has designed an assault rifle with...

guess what? Christian symbols on it.

Our gun - if a Muslim terrorist grabs it,

a bolt of lightning knocks him dead right on the spot.

Oh, you want a magic gun!

A magic gun that kills bad man with Jesus lightning!

It gets worse, look what he's written on the gun.

We have Psalm 144:1 - "Blessed be the Lord my rock,

"who trains my hands for war, and my fingers for battle."

What?!

You can write anything on a gun - that doesn't make it Christian!

You can write "God" on a dildo - that doesn't make it religious!

"What are you doing?"

"I'm trying to get closer to the Lord."

IMITATES VIBRATION

It's insane - look at the safety settings he's got.

We have three settings -

Peace is safety, that means the gun won't fire.

War is one bullet every time you squeeze the trigger.

And God Wills It - fully automatic.

God Will...

That doesn't mean it's God's idea!

Here's what they should have put on that gun.

CHEERING

Put 'em down.

This is what kills me the most - look at his justification.

I'm a Christian and I believe that it's right...

And I am encouraging people of my faith to take up arms...

That's exactly what Isis do, you idiot!

IMITATES REDNECK US ACCENT: "We need to stop people hijacking a religion to kill people.

"..by hijacking a religion...

"..to kill people!"

Not that all reactions to the Paris attacks were depressing.

Have a look at what someone put on a sign in Scotland.

Now, talking of things that cheered me up -

did you hear about this little fella?

A young boy in Australia has become a national hero,

after battling through the hiccups to sing the national anthem

at a baseball game.

Did you see it?

Oh, oh, oh, it's amazing!

BAND FANFARE

# Australians all - hic

# Let us rejoice

# Hic - for we are young and free

# We've gol... hic - golden soil and - hic - wealth for toil

# Hic - our home is girt Hic - by the sea

# Our land abounds in Nature's gifts

# Of beauty - hic - rich and fair Hic

# In history's page Let - hic - every stage

# Advance Australia fair. #

That is amazing.

CHEERING

So, what else? Well, apparently, OAPs are getting their drink on.

People over 65 are being warned about their alarming use of alcohol.

One in five is reported to be drinking at unsafe levels.

Yeah, apparently pensioners have got such a drinking problem,

they've been told to stop!

Fair to say - not all of them are happy...

It's so unfair! If they want to have a drink, let them have one!

When you think about it, it's pretty tricky to reach old age

in this country and not have a drinking problem.

Think about it - you're born, drink! Christening, drink!

You leave school, drink! You go to uni, drink!

You get a job, drink! You fall in love, drink!

You get married, drink! You have a kid, drink!

You get divorced, drink! You work till you're 70,

you retire, and all of a sudden you're not allowed a drink!

You spend the next 20 years being ravaged by illness until you perish.

And what do all your mates do when you die?

They have a fucking drink!

It's so unfair!

So, if your nan wants a sambuca, let her have one!

There's nothing better than your nan at a party.

Blow. Blow it out.

It's not just humans who like a tipple...

Good laugh, madam!

HE IMITATES CACKLE

Did you hear - there she goes again! - did you hear...

did you hear what happened

during the filming of David Attenborough's new show?

How brilliant is that?!

AS DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: "Here we see the mighty polar bear,

"pissed off his tits on rose.

"Flipping over a walrus, grabbing its tusks, shouting,

" 'Ooh, ooh, ooh, look at me, I'm riding a space hopper.' "

APPLAUSE

Amazing, isn't it?

Oh, oh, right - do you reckon Attenborough will get his own back?

Next series opens, just him burning a glacier with a lighter.

"Huh? Yeah? Mm!

"This is what happens when you take Daddy's stash."

I love this story so much - we actually got footage of him

making his getaway.

There he goes!

He was even worse the next day.

There he is.

Not that all animals were on the lash this week -

some were busy working.

Did you hear about the Queen?

AS THE QUEEN: "Shit! Philip

"They're after the ganj!

"Flush the dust! Flush the dust!"

So, did she get detained? No!

"You've got nothing on me, dog.

"Philip ate it all on the way."

AS PRINCE PHILIP: "I'm melting!"

Now, talking of strange run-ins, did you hear about BoJo?

Boris Johnson would like to think he's on the side of the cyclist -

but by some of the reactions he got this morning,

he may still have some work to do.

Yes, he does.

Right, he was opening a new bike lane, waved at a fellow cyclist,

and then this happened.

Look at that!

AS BORIS: "Hello!"

"Piss off."

"Okey-dokey."

Over in America,

have you been watching the Republican race for the White House? Wow.

It's between Ben Carson - crazy! - and Donald Trump - crazy!

First up, let's meet Carson.

Ben Carson, a neurosurgeon

and Seventh-Day Adventist who talks openly about his faith...

He's a Christian.

Humble, principled - he is the anti-Trump.

So, why is he crazy?

Well, cos he says stuff like this...

You think being gay is a choice?

-Absolutely.

-Why do you say that?

Because a lot of people who go into prison go into straight,

and when they come out, they're gay.

I must have missed that bit in the Shawshank Redemption.

AS MORGAN FREEMAN: "I remember the first time I saw Andy."

LAUGHTER

"He walked into the prison, tore up a photo of his wife

"and sucked my balls.

"They say hope can kill a man.

"Well, balls can nearly choke him."

Now, he's not just... LAUGHTER

Sorry. He's not just homophobic.

Did you see what he said about Obama providing health care to poor people?

ObamaCare is...

really, I think, the worst thing that has happened in this nation

since slavery.

The worst thing since....?

9/11?

Vietnam?

Honey Boo Boo?

AUDIENCE MEMBER CLAPS

Hah! "Yeah!"

What a dick, though, you know?

Mind you, what I say is nothing compared to this guy.

Mr Long-legged Mack Daddy.

Yeah! That's right, my friends - Pastor Manning is back.

So, is he a fan of Ben Carson? Er...

I can't really figure it out.

Ben Carson is a demon!

Right.

So that's a no.

He is a lunatic - look what he said about Carson's supporters.

..and everybody that supports him are closeted sodomites -

fags, lesbos, butt-lickers.

Butt-lickers?

Whatever turns 'em on!

So, that's Carson.

Let's meet the frontrunner, Donald Trump -

a man with all the charm of a turd that won't flush.

I want surveillance of certain mosques, OK?

It has not been easy for me, and, you know, I started off in Brooklyn,

my father gave me a small loan of a million dollars...

Ku Klux Klan leader has described Trump as the...

You've called women you don't like "fat pigs", "dogs", "slobs"

and "disgusting animals".

Who cares?

How is he in the lead, right?

Mind you, you think that's bad? Look what he said about his own daughter.

I've said that if Ivanka weren't my daughter,

perhaps I'd be dating her, you know?

Stop it! Oh, it's so weird!

Eurgh...!

And when he's not trying to bone his kids,

all he keeps banging on about is building a wall to keep Mexicans out.

We will have a wall.

The wall will be built.

The wall will be successful,

and if you think walls don't work, all you have to do is ask Israel.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

It's really peaceful over there, innit?

Walls work?

Not if you ask Palestinians, you hamster-haired bell-end.

He's such a tit - look what else he said about Mexicans.

He even had a pop at kids,

saying that children of Mexican immigrants

weren't real American citizens.

And how did one activist group respond?

It was hugely controversial, but I have to show you.

Hola, Donald Trump!

Screaming "get out of my country". Republicans use offensive words.

So, here's a few of our own.

-BLEEP

-you, racist

-BLEEP.

APPLAUSE

Pretty good.

My guest this week is a cook and food campaigner

who has waged war on battery farming, fish quotas and food waste.

Millions of people in Britain

are struggling to pay their food bills -

yet a third of all the food we produce never gets eaten.

That has to be wrong.

Who or what is telling you

that these can't go to your supermarket clients?

The supermarkets themselves.

I want to persuade our biggest corporations to stop wasting

millions of tonnes of food...

..and I want to see what we can do to waste less food ourselves...

Look at that - that's naughty.

I think there's at least one good tea left in here.

..because what we chuck away at home

is costing the average British family £700 a year.

It's time we all declared war on waste.

Ladies an gentlemen, please welcome Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall.

-CROWD CHEERS

-Thank you.

Thanks very much for coming on the show, my friend.

Now, you've had your hands in a lot of bins.

Yeah! Recently especially, yeah.

Been delving deep.

I was going to ask you about that -

what's the weirdest thing you've ever...

Do you ever find something and then you couldn't show it on telly?

"Oh, it's a used condom, we can't..."

-Do you know what? This is true.

-Right.

Did you see that big dump where, in the opening shot, there,

-where you see the big truck behind me?

-Yeah.

We actually interviewed someone who helps run that plant,

and I was just looking down,

and there was an enormous dildo at his feet.

-Big kind of wibbly-wobbly rubber one.

-Right.

-And, um...

-And did you throw it out cos it was wonky?

-No, he...

After a bit - we'd been talking to him for quite a long time -

-after a bit, he noticed it, too.

-Oh, right!

I think cos he saw me looking down quite a lot...

And he gave it a kick.

-At the first kick, it didn't go anywhere.

-Right!

-Second kick, he kind of launched it.

-Yeah.

Just sort of randomly going like that...

So, I saw it all happen,

-but it wasn't captured forever on film.

-Wow!

Why do we hate wonky veg? It's fascinating, isn't it?

-Well, I...I'm not convinced that we do hate it.

-Right.

I think we recognise that it's good food,

but we've got a bit confused about the concept of wonky veg,

because some of the supermarkets are doing this thing and saying,

"Oh, look, we're starting to love wonky veg,"

so they go all the way through the carrot factory

looking for all the sort of four-fingered carrots

and the really odd-looking ones,

and they put them all in a bag and sell them at half price,

and say, "Look, we're all over the wonky veg -

"we've solved the wonky veg problem."

Meanwhile - and this is what I really have a problem with -

there's huge amounts of "almost-perfect" carrots

with one little spot on them, or a slight bend to the right,

-a bit like the thing we saw on the floor...

-Yep.

-Anyway...

And that's being thrown away.

Now, whatever we think about the look of this stuff,

we must recognise it's perfectly good food.

Also, no-one's ever looked at a carrot and gone,

"Eurgh, it's not aesthetically pleasing, I won't eat it,"

know what I mean? It's a carrot. You eat it,

cos your mum tells you lies when you're a kid.

"It'll make you see in the dark."

That's how we eat veg - lies.

No, I completely agree - and the phrase that the supermarkets use,

that kind of says it all, in a way, is "cosmetic standards".

-It's almost like...

-What an insane job that is!

So, you're telling me, somebody at Tesco,

it's their job to judge carrots as they kind of come out, like...

Well, yeah...

"Eurgh, look at her! She's a right..."

It's actually... It is almost as mad as that.

It's ridiculous - there's nothing wrong with being slightly wonky.

I don't know if you can see, I've got a...

-I've got a slightly lazy eye.

-Me too.

-I've got one a bit smaller than the other.

-Have you?

-Yeah.

-Nice.

LAUGHTER

-Yeah.

-Brothers.

-Brothers.

-Wonky eye brothers.

Ah, look at that. What a lovely moment.

Exactly. We should be on...

APPLAUSE

If we were carrots...

If we were carrots we would be rejected, we'd be on the heap.

Ah. What kind of world are we living in, Hugh?

That's the right way to look at it, isn't it? If we were carrots...

There are a lot of carrots here that would be rejected.

LAUGHTER AND BOOS

Sorry. Didn't put enough make-up on, out you go.

Teeth slightly crooked, off. Mate, I'm serious, off!

This is so brilliant.

A minute ago they were absolutely charmed by you

and now they're like, "You're a pig.

"You're a munter.

"What is that? Is that even human? Somebody has brought an orc in here."

You make a valid point.

If we were in the carrot world I wouldn't be on telly,

you wouldn't be on telly.

We'd be by a bin, snivelling.

And then a more pleasing carrot version of you would be

in that bin getting stuff.

-Yes, yes.

-I find you fascinating.

There aren't many people that are proud to eat roadkill

and you are one of those people.

The only other person I know - my grandad. This is genuinely true.

When we were little my dad used to drive the car,

Grandad would be down with us.

He used to look at roadkill and as we went past, "We're leaving that?

"I can't believe we're leaving that."

He used to get upset and he wouldn't speak to my dad for the whole night.

"We're eating pie, we could be out the back eating a badger,

"you arsehole!"

-You're the only person I know.

-Yes, I've occasionally... You do...

I agree, occasionally you pass something on the road

that's too good to miss.

Here's a question, have you ever been driving along, seen an animal

and gone, "I fancy that." And then hit it?

Here's an answer...

AUDIENCE GROANS

-Did you kill Cecil?

-No.

No. No.

Is there anything you wouldn't eat though? I'm intrigued.

-Yes.

-What?

-Oh, gosh.

If you fry me an egg

and if you don't baste it with hot oil

or flip it over so it's over easy,

if you leave some of that white runny around the edge of the yolk,

I am not touching it.

-Am I right?

-APPLAUSE

I would never mess up eggs. I'm the king of eggs.

-So, would you baste it for me?

-I'll scramble those bastards up.

What I'll do, scramble them, bit of goat's butter, bit of pepper...

Bit of goat's butter? You're talking my language.

-Have you ever made goat's butter?

-No.

-I have.

I've milked a goat, taken the cream off the top of the milk

and turned it into butter and here you are talking about goat's butter.

-Lovely.

-It is lovely but...

-Like I said, brothers.

My goat butter brother.

I'm a goat butter brother from another mother.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I like it but I don't think I could milk a goat.

-I've never milked an animal.

-OK.

-I just...

-What have you milked, by the way?

-Um...

-An audience.

-I've milked an audience.

I once had breast milk squirted in my face.

OK. As an act of aggression or excitement?

Sort of for humour.

My auntie screamed, "bittie," at me and squirted it in my face.

-Lovely.

-Different backgrounds.

What I'm saying is, I've had milk squirted at me from an animal

but I've never milked one.

Do you have to put yourself in a mental space to...?

-Especially a goat, they've got a beard.

-Little bit of rhythm.

Bit of rhythm.

-And don't squeeze as hard as you think you might have to.

-OK, OK.

LAUGHTER

-Yeah, I think I'd just have marge.

-A lighter touch. A bit of...

I haven't done it for a while.

Something you never forget.

LAUGHTER

The thing is, if you do it with two hands it doesn't look rude, does it?

No, no.

You do know that that's going to be turned into an internet gif

that will be like, "Did anyone see Hugh wanking off two ghosts?"

That's what it will be.

Where do you stand on human flesh? Would you eat human flesh?

-I have done.

-Have you really?

Yeah. That's a slightly ambiguous thing.

-I've eaten placenta.

-Oh, OK, OK, OK.

Oh, fine.

I was thinking if I was going to eat any human, Chris Eubank,

because he's been punched a lot...

-Tenderised meat.

-Yeah, yeah.

I was watching him on I'm A Celebrity thinking,

"I bet he's bloody delicious."

You know when you've said something out loud

and the rest of the family have looked around?

And you have to go, "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha."

But I stand by it, I'd scoff him down.

Chris, if you're watching... I would eat you.

-He'll be right over, then, won't he?

-That's going to be on telly. Now...

Here's a question for you. You're on death row, it's your final meal.

I'll cook you anything. What would you have?

Shepherd's pie and a toffee crisp.

That was an instant answer.

No mucking around. APPLAUSE

-And a pint of cider.

-Pint of cider. Any particular reason?

There wasn't even a thought process. You went bang, bang.

-Well, shepherd's pie is...

-Standard. Dirty.

-My mum's cooking...

I used to love that bit in the middle of the week

when you'd had roast lamb for your Sunday dinner,

mix it with a bit of ketchup, any leftover gravy

from the roast, it would all go in, mashed potato on the top.

Forking up the mash into those little mountains, very important.

Brushing it with a little butter, in a very hot oven,

all crispy and brown, especially the forky bits

and then the saucy bit of meat bubbling up from under the mash

coming slightly over the top of the mash

and slightly over the edge of the pie dish.

-And making a streaky...

-Uh, yeah!

I'm close.

Death row, it's got to be, hasn't it?

Damn right, let's all die together.

Oh, my God. That was like the Marks & Spencer advert came to life.

That was wonderful.

-Thank you.

-Good answer, my friend.

Ladies and gentlemen, the wonderful Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Next up, this may be the most pointless thing ever

to get worked up about.

This week Starbucks unveiled its annual holiday surprise,

the red cup.

But some customers are now saying this year's design

is a disappointment.

It doesn't give me the, "Wow, it's Christmas!" You know what I mean?

Some are even calling the cups part of a "War on Christmas" this year.

Of all the things to get upset with, "The cup doesn't have elves on it."

"I wanted to see a reindeer."

The American media lost their mind over this story.

This was my favourite moment.

What ticks me off about this cup, Adam, is there's nothing in it.

Oh, jeez! There WAS something in it.

OK, there was something in it.

Mind you, not everyone is upset with Starbucks cos of the red cup.

You've talked about - Starbucks uses gay semen in their coffee

to make it taste good. Where did that come from?

Because gays tend to love each other's semen

and it flavours up the coffee.

They like the taste of it. There's no doubt about that.

LAUGHTER

HE IMPERSONATES MAN: There's no doubt about it.

Semen in the coffee.

Everywhere you look in Starbucks, semen, semen, semen.

NORMAL VOICE: No - cinnamon.

It's cinnamon.

Cinnamon.

HE IMPERSONATES MAN: You mean last year

when I did the semen challenge...

LAUGHTER

Oh, my Lord.

Finally tonight, a lovely little story about the power of football.

As the sun sets on the pitch,

the smallest of steps are being made for a major prize,

-the protection of vulnerable children.

-Keep it together.

-OK, guys?

-Together everybody achieves more.

You're watching one of the country's newest football teams.

Like most, they're united to win games

but unlike others the Unity Of Faith team

were founded in West London to provide a safe haven

for children from gangs and Islamist extremist groups.

Football's common culture and simple rules -

scoring is good, conceding is bad -

has allowed these players to forge new links and relationships.

It's only about this, the Unity Of Faiths.

No matter what religion you are, you'll always be British.

Important that you guys understand each other.

Local psychologist Shamendar Talwar

founded the team just over a year ago.

He became worried young people in his community

were in danger of being groomed by groups online.

Put that arm around their shoulder and say,

if the gate is out there of someone telling you,

"Look, go to some other country for the promised land."

And if the gate is there of Stamford Bridge with Mourinho

holding his hand, what would you choose?

So the child will obviously choose Mourinho.

This charity believe uniting through football

is the answer to affirming identities and saving lives.

Politicians at Westminster will be watching

to see if the beautiful game can break down barriers.

Pretty cool, huh?

Thanks very much for watching Good News.

Goodnight, my friends. Goodnight and farewell.