Episode 5 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello! Hello!

Hello and welcome to Good News.

So, what's been happening?

Over on Look East, this lady got a little bit tongue-tied.

Businesses which have delivered £43 million worth of investment

across the count...

The cunt... The county, beg your pardon.

Is it me or did someone drop acid in Cameron's tea?

We've got...

unicorns.

He was talking so much shit even the Indian Prime Minister checked out.

We both have big ambitions for the relationship

between our countries...

-HEADPHONES:

-# The Vengabus is coming and everyone's jumping

# New York to San Francisco and intercity disco

# The wheels are still turning... #

APPLAUSE

Here's a tip - don't watch an episode of Bake Off

before presenting the news.

Giving it the royal seal of approval at the Royal Albert Hall,

William and Cake.

Kate.

And finally, don't you love it when a reporter remains calm?

This, er... Ahh!

Ah! Ah! What is that?

That's because it's hot outside, stuff like that happens.

Was that live? Are we live? Oh, brother.

Now, the big news of the week was the senseless killings in Paris.

France has started three days of national mourning for the victims

of the terror attacks in the heart of the French capital.

Grief, shock and considerable anger tonight

of the worst terror attack in Europe for a decade.

Islamic State in an official statement

are claiming responsibility.

Suspected mastermind was named as Belgian Abdelhamid Abaaoud.

It was an attack on a way of life.

But the Parisians say they will not be bowed.

It was so heartbreaking, wasn't it? Do you know what...?

But don't call the people that did this "masterminds",

they're not masterminds. Isis are hypocritical cowards.

Think about it, they want to take us back to when the Koran was written,

the 7th century. And how do they do that?

By using rocket launchers, Facebook, Twitter,

mobile phones and bombs.

You didn't have those in the 7th century, did you,

you warmongering pricks?

CHEERING

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

They're not masterminds.

They're not... They're not masterminds.

They're ignorant thugs who've hijacked a religion

to create fear or, to quote Boris Johnson...

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Yes!

Now, the other thing,

the other thing that pisses me off is that Twitter was awash

with offers of help and defiance and then right-wing morons tweet this.

"The Paris attacks were committed by devout Muslims..."

No, they weren't.

Isis aren't devout Muslims, they're terrorists.

They don't speak for Muslims any more than Katie Hopkins speaks for me.

Muslims believe in peace,

they don't believe in beheadings or slavery

and they certainly don't agree with some of the insane things Isis

want to ban like music,

art,

female education,

skinny jeans,

the word "vicar",

table football,

magicians

and pigeon breeding.

I'm not making this up!

Isis has banned...

Muslims don't care about pigeons' dicks!

Cos no-one has ever seen one!

It's not like pigeons are wandering around like that.

"Excuse me, excuse me."

If your nickname is pigeon dick, that is not a compliment.

APPLAUSE

We cannot be afraid of these morons.

It's the people's job to live your life.

It's the government's job to look after the people

and it's the comedian's job to make people laugh.

That's why when I read stuff like this...

"According to intelligence gathered by police,

"terrorists have started training in rural parts of Wales,"

I'm not scared. Do you know why?

Isis will never topple Welsh women, they are formidable.

I mean, where else would you see a headline like this?

The point I'm trying to make - terrorism can't destroy humanity.

Look what the people of Paris did the day after the attacks.

Parisians were reclaiming their streets,

lining up in their droves to donate blood.

That is defiance.

Shall we stay inside and cower in fear? Fuck no.

Now, talking of defiance, look at this response to tragedy,

this is incredible.

At the Bataclan theatre, Antoine Leiris lost his wife,

the mother of his little boy.

He wrote, "We are only two, my son and I.

"But we are more powerful than all the world's armies.

"In any case, I have no more time to waste on you.

"I need to get back to Melvil who is waking up from his afternoon nap.

"He's just 17 months old; he'll eat his snack, like every day,

"and then we're going to play like we do every day;

"and every day of his life

"this little boy will insult you with his happiness and freedom."

Now that is magnificent.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Next up, let's have a bit of joy.

Did you hear about George Clooney?

George Clooney has travelled halfway round the world for a sandwich.

Yes, he did.

He visited a cafe which supports homeless people.

Did you see the effect he had on women?

I got a selfie with George Clooney!

He's so handsome.

I love George.

"I love George."

He even made one lady melt.

-Hey, how you doing?

-Hi, George, hi.

-Are you guys cold?

-Yeah!

-Your hands are freezing.

-Hi, how are you? Nice to meet you.

-Hi.

Hi... Hi...

"Hi! Hi! Hi! Ohh..."

Did you see her later? I've never seen a woman this giddy.

Oh, it was amazing.

I was trying to get a photo of him and he actually come up to me

after I got the photo and he shook my hand. He says,

"Hello, is it really cold here?" I said, "Yes, it's really cold."

"I think I've got frostbite but I've never been happier in my life!"

He even got a photo with the staff and if you look closely,

I think one of the ladies might've slipped a finger up his arse.

Now...

HE COUGHS

Sorry.

HE COUGHS

That's what George was doing afterwards.

It wasn't just Clooney who brought joy to the world,

check out this wonder hound.

A bulldog called Otto has cheered us all up this morning

by hopping on a skateboard in Peru.

Otto the bulldog coasted under the legs of 30 people in Lima in Peru

and gained himself recognition with Guinness World Records.

I love it, I love it so much.

It's the way he puts his leg down...

It's a miracle he went that fast, did you see the size of his bollocks?

He's better than any human skateboarder in the world.

You think I was impressed, his dad was delighted.

Oh, yes!

APPLAUSE

This... This was my favourite bit of the report.

Listen to what his owner said.

His owner says,

"Otto will now have some time off whilst he decides what next."

He's going to decide what to do next. He's a dog!

He's not going to have a gap year to find himself.

"What did you learn?"

"Erm...

"My balls taste nice."

Whatever he does, well done, Otto.

It's not easy breaking records when the camera's rolling.

Oh...

APPLAUSE

Now...

Obviously something awful happened in France this week but, my friends,

before the tragedy struck, something wonderful happened there.

Cyclist David Pedlow is setting the bar high

when it comes to keeping his wife happy.

While most of us might feel grateful for a cup of tea in bed

in the morning, 70-year-old David, who is now back in Plymouth,

cycled all the way to France

just to buy his wife's favourite brand of coffee.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw...

You can't buy Grand Mere in England.

Jackie likes Grand Mere.

Oh-ho-oh! What a legend. Did you hear the women in the room melting?

He rode to France to get his wife a coffee.

My grandad won't even go to the kitchen!

Do you reckon he's like that with everything?

"Fancy a Chinese, love?" "Yeah." "Okey dokey, I'm off to Beijing."

I bet you after this titanic effort, I bet his wife was delighted.

I bet she showered him with kisses and ran him a hot bath.

He did only cycle 23 miles.

STUNNED LAUGHTER

What?!

He's 70! What does he have to do?!

He cycled to a different country in a different time zone,

ordered in a different language,

and she's, like, "Ooh, I'd rather have tea."

He's a legend! When I saw this story, I had to do this.

"Jackie and David.

"Best wishes from the Good News team. Russell."

Well, thanks, Russell.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw.

APPLAUSE

Had to do it. Had to do it.

Health news now. Check this story out.

Now, take a look at these.

Can you guess what they are?

Tea cosies?

They are knitted breasts.

Are they?

It might seem odd that I'm holding them...

LAUGHTER

It is a bit. It's the news.

..but holding and handling props like these is proving an effective

way of encouraging new mums to breast-feed.

Yup, this is the slightly bizarre news that knitted boobs

help women breast-feed.

Whatever turns them on!

LAUGHTER

Apparently, what they do, right, they, um... LAUGHTER

..they play with the knitted breasts, right?

And they're, um... LAUGHTER

Do you want to grow up?

LAUGHTER

They...

LAUGHTER AND WOLF WHISTLES

Excuse ME.

LAUGHTER

They...they...

They play with ...

They play with the knitted breast, they're shown how to squeeze them,

and it helps them breast-feed their kids.

Hm.

Now, what... LAUGHTER

What I...what I love most about this story,

aside from the fact that I got to play with these on telly,

is the ladies that do the knitting.

Look at that!

What an insane hobby!

"What are you doing, Nan?" "Knitting tits."

LAUGHTER

They're amazing! I mean, how joyous is this lady?

This lady walked in and said, "I'm looking for some knitters

"to come and knit breasts at the hospital." And I said, "Yeah, I'm up for that."

"I'll do you a woolly fanny if you want. I don't care."

It's lovely, isn't it?

What I would say, though, it's not just new mums that need help.

Some new dads struggle, too.

Going to change your bum.

Oh, my God!

Right.

OK.

HE RETCHES AND COUGHS

Oh...

HE RETCHES

HE RETCHES

-Oh...

-HE RETCHES

'king hell. Dirty girl.

LAUGHTER

Now, my guest this week is a professional adventurer.

He swam, cycled and ran the entire length of Great Britain

earning the nickname the British Forrest Gump.

I am an endurance adventurer, who lives on a boat.

I got the bug for adventure

when I first cycled Land's End to John O'Groats.

It took me a month to cycle it, and the record's 44 hours.

So I really was bad at cycling.

Five years later, I was looking for something else to do,

and I came across the idea of swimming

Land's End to John O'Groats,

thinking it had been done, and it turns out no-one

had even attempted a length of Britain swim.

What was meant to be two months ended up being 4.5 months.

I remember getting to the end, thinking, "Right, that's it,

"I'm done." But, then, a few months went by and I just thought,

"I've got to do the run now, don't I?" The first person in history

to have done a length of Britain triathlon.

Please welcome Sean Conway!

-Thank you for having me.

-Pleasure, pleasure. Pleasure!

Um...

-WOMAN:

-Fit!

-Fit?

-Yes!

-There you go.

That's never happened on the show before.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

People mistake me for George Clooney all the time. It's very annoying.

That and Lion-O.

I'm fascinated by you. I find you very interesting.

-Thank you very much.

-What I want to know is, I'm sort of envious,

but why do you do what you do?

Because it's...it's kind of amazing and crazy at the same time.

Well, I started off doing it because I turned 30 in 2011,

and I was miserable with the life I'd set up for myself,

so I sold my business for £1.

..and then spent £4 on the frame to frame the pound,

-so I was minus £3...

-Yes.

-LAUGHTER

-..from day one.

I just thought, there's more to life than just earning money.

-Yes.

-Whereas actually, if you focus your life on experiences

and purpose and things like that,

you lead a happier and more successful life, I think.

So, I thought of swimming the length of Britain,

thinking, surely it's been done.

-It lands in John O'Groats, such an iconic route.

-Yes.

I went straight online, I thought, who's done it before me? I'll be the fastest person

and soon found no-one had even attempted it. So...

Presumably, there is a moment, you know,

where you get stung by a jellyfish, when you find yourself thinking,

ah, money's all right. LAUGHTER

Yes, so when I did the swim,

I was getting stung in the face by jellyfish a lot.

I soon realised where I had a beard, um, I wasn't getting stung as much.

-So, that's why you grew the beard?

-That's why I grew the beard,

-I grew the beard to shield my face from jellyfish.

-Who knew that? So, jellyfish hate beards?

-Yes...

-Ironically...

-They hate hipsters,

they don't go anywhere near, they don't go to Shoreditch, they hate it.

-And also...

-Go on.

..there's an urban myth on what fixes jellyfish stings.

I've heard that, yes. It's getting weed on, isn't it?

Yes, it does not work, and was very embarrassing.

-Considering...

-LAUGHTER

-..I got stung on the face.

-Hang on, they were weeing on your face?

Kind of used a cloth...

-AUDIENCE:

-Agh!

-It was my own as well. Not the crew.

That's what I'm getting at, surely at that moment, you think, money's better than this.

LAUGHTER

So, how long did it take?

I thought it would take two months. It took four and a half.

Four and a half months of just swimming?

-There were days where I couldn't swim cos of the bad weather...

-Yes.

Big storms in Scotland, nearly sank the boat. Um...

Your brain never just occasionally went mad?

-You never found yourself thinking...

-Every day.

Especially in the night sessions, you get in, cos it's all tidal,

you've got to swim with the tide, but I swear this happened

-at Cape Wrath, as I was going round the, the top...

-Yeah.

I'm swimming along and there's this bird swimming below me

and it looks at me and it winks.

-This happened...

-No, it didn't!

-It definitely happened.

-100%, this happened.

-LAUGHTER

It winked at me and listen to me, and then it swam to the surface,

got up, popped up and then flew away and I got out the water

and I, the girl in the kayak, Em,

"Did you see that?" She's like, "No, mate."

-It definitely happened.

-Oh, I love that.

Five minutes later this massive storm came in,

the kayak capsized, the rib capsized...

And the fish went, "Come with me, you'll be fine..."

LAUGHTER "Protect you with the coral."

-It definitely happened.

-They didn't, mate.

I love you, I find it really interesting, but that's a great yarn.

LAUGHTER

A seagull came along and went, "Hello!"

LAUGHTER

Although it is interesting when you form bonds. I mean,

it's a similar kind of thing,

I used to have a paper round, it was three miles long...

LAUGHTER I feel and know your pain

and I used to get so bored on that

I used to chat to the, do you know the wood pigeons?

Hah, hah, hah. I used to...

PIGEON CALL

Yeah, I used to do that too! LAUGHTER

I've never met anyone that's tried to have a chat with wood pigeons.

I normally trump it, but you know how actually to do it,

I just used to go, hah, hah, hah. LAUGHTER

And you pull up... Actually, what you do is this.

RUSSELL TOOTLES

LAUGHTER

-Mm!

-Wink, wink.

-LAUGHTER

What do you think he was trying to tell you? "Good on you, mate?"

There was a storm coming, I think.

-There's a storm coming?

-Yeah, I know, very odd way of saying that.

Surely, "Don't, f...stop!" LAUGHTER

Not, "Hi!" LAUGHTER

-"You're really fit."

-Yeah.

-LAUGHTER

Oh, I love that.

The other thing I find interesting about you, there's so much stuff,

-you climbed Mount Kilimanjaro.

-Yes.

-Fantastic thing to have done.

-Yeah.

-But...

-you didn't do it in an ordinary fashion.

-No. So,

Mount Kilimanjaro, highest freestanding mountain in the world,

there were seven of us, all my mates all said, "Right, let's go up."

In the pub, and I swear this happened...

-Just that night, you left?

-Yeah, literally like, let's go.

And I'm pretty sure we all agreed to wear penguin suits

and waddle up for charity.

So the next morning I went and bought my penguin suit,

and we all flew out and I got in my penguin suit

-and they were like, "We're joking, mate."

-LAUGHTER

Oh, what? I've told everyone.

-And once you've told three people, then you can't go back.

-Yeah.

So, I waddled up Kilimanjaro in a penguin suit.

How extraordinary is that? The entire...

APPLAUSE ..exactly, it's incredible.

-I love it.

-It had the yellow feet and everything. It was quite hard.

-But...

-I felt really bad for everyone with their altimeters and crampons.

Do you know who I feel bad for? The other people climbing.

Altitude sickness, they look over, "Oh, my God, there's a penguin...

-"with a really big beard."

-Yeah.

I was worried about that,

cos I didn't want to devalue other people's attempts.

But actually it had the reverse effect, people were kind of like,

"Bloody hell, if a bloody penguin can do it, I can do it,"

and then they would get up and march up...

-And you did it, you made it all the way.

-Yeah, I summited twice.

Cos my one mate got altitude sickness and he was far behind

so on my way back down, I turned round and carried him up again.

How lovely is that? So, a penguin carried a man up...

LAUGHTER

That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.

-APPLAUSE

-Yeah...

I've have this lovely image of you, just...

Would you ever, actually I was going to ask you about this,

when you were jogging, have you ever sort of run into weirdos?

Cos I've done, I've run, I've ran, no, genuinely...

LAUGHTER

I did the Bath half marathon, right? Did that and a lady,

she was about 60, was behind me, kind of looking at my arse,

genuinely going, "That's what I call good news."

LAUGHTER Like that, OK? And hit my arse.

APPLAUSE

So, I'm curious, do you...?

Because...Britain is full of wild and interesting people,

-have you run into any of those?

-Oh, it's amazing.

I love everyone in Britain.

I love doing adventures here,

because you get quite a few lock-ins.

-Those are quite fun.

-Yeah, of course.

During my run, I have a Welsh mate,

who tweeted me and said, "Mate, you know,

"you can't run Britain and not come to Wales."

I was like, dammit, you're right.

And I'd already planned to be in Bristol the following day,

so I had to run 40 miles to have a pint with a Welshman.

So, I got to this pub...

-Don't tell me it was closed.

-No!

-LAUGHTER

It was five to 11,

so I thought, "I'll get at least one pint in with Matt." And, um...

the landlord's like, "Don't worry, lock-in, lock-in, it's fine."

-Oh, nice.

-Great, you know. One o'clock, two o'clock...

Oh, and he just carried on? Yeah.

Eventually 5:30, the sun's coming up and right, let's go to sleep.

Er, slept for a few hours, eight o'clock in the morning, got up,

had a fry up and ran a marathon.

Ah, that is amazing.

APPLAUSE

Right, one last question, what is next for you? Desk job?

-LAUGHTER

-Yeah! No.

I'm planning a really, really long ironman.

So, I've done the swim, cycle and run,

but all independently,

so I've, in my mind, I've planned this really long ironman.

-The normal ironman takes 15 hours.

-Yeah.

-My one is three months.

-Shit.

-Somewhere there?

-I'll do the Forrest Gump thing, but now with all the disciplines.

-Nice.

How amazing was that?

Ladies and gentlemen, the wonderful Sean Conway.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

# See you later. #

Elsewhere in the news, how mental is this?

The campaign's been launched

asking the public to come up with messages to send to aliens in space.

That's right - they want us to write letters to aliens.

I say we send them a prank message, so when they arrive - "Who are Isis,

"and why do they think we haven't got the guts to anally probe them?"

That's what we should do.

So... APPLAUSE

Why are we sending messages to aliens?

Voyagers 1 and 2 were launched in the '70s

carrying recordings and greetings for extraterrestrial life

that might come across the aircraft -

but researchers now want to update the messages

to reflect the last 40 years.

I'm not surprised we're sending an update - they're probably like,

"Forget everything we said about Rolf Harris!"

"Do not write to Jimmy Savile!

"He won't fix anything!"

Mind you, I'm not sure we should be chatting to aliens -

did you hear what this woman reckons they did?

Jesus! That would've changed the John Lewis ad, wouldn't it?!

"Uhhh...

"Uhhh...

"Uhhh... Right, now tidy up.

"No, in fact pass me that telescope.

"I'll give you something to cry about."

Elsewhere in the news,

there's been some mental crime stories knocking around.

Have you heard how police in Cambridge

want victims to contact them?

Police in Cambridgeshire are telling crime victims to call them

via Skype instead of expecting a visit by an officer.

That's a great idea, innit?

Unless you've had your laptop nicked.

Or you're a pensioner.

They're not great with technology -

I called my nan on FaceTime the other day -

she thought I was stuck in the phone.

So, I had to play along. I had to!

"Help me!"

"What's happened, Russ?!"

"I'm dying!"

Let's be honest - Skype's not a good idea.

You never know what can happen.

Ooh, shake that ass!

Mm... Let me see your face.

HE SCREAMS

It could happen.

APPLAUSE

Mind you, if you think using Skype's weird,

have a look what police in Leicester have been doing.

First tonight, criticism of Leicestershire police

after it was revealed the force has only been investigating

attempted burglaries if they happen at homes with even numbers.

They've only been dealing with break-ins at even-numbered houses?!

How did they come up with that?!

"We need to halve crime figures."

You can't select the crimes you want to deal with -

"Hello, officer, I've been shot!"

"How many times?" "Three."

"Sorry!"

It's SO ridiculous, isn't it?

Did you see why they're doing it?

It's one of the latest ideas by Leicestershire police

to try and save money.

Save money?!

What are they going to do next, get rid of sirens?

Have them leaning out of the cars, just, "Whoo-oohh!

"Whoo-oohh!"

Christ, what do their Tasers look like?

Taser, Taser, Taser!

Oh, yes!

STATIC CRACKLES

Ooh!

APPLAUSE Oh, thanks very much.

Not that all cutback stories are depressing -

did you see this belter from Barnsley?

Yes, he did. Look at this.

HE READS IN YORKSHIRE ACCENT

How great is THAT?!

"Well, I COULD get it fixed.

"No, let's have a bit of fun!

"No bell, ding, ding.

"Indicator's broken - you, get down there and blink like buggery.

"Right, everyone, we're reversing - all together...

"Beep, beep, beep, beep!

"Oh, no, I've run someone over.

"Don't worry, it's an even-numbered street.

"Beep, beep, beep, beep!"

Now, this week, the world may feel like a darker place,

but hopefully this conversation between a father and son

will put a little bit of light back into it.

THEY SPEAK IN FRENCH

-AUDIENCE:

-Aww.

APPLAUSE

Thanks very much for watching Good News.

Goodnight, my friends.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE