Episode 4 Russell Howard's Good News

APPLAUSE

Oh! Thank you, thank you!

Thank you! Hello!

And welcome...to the news.

So, what's been happening?

Don't you hate it when you confuse a light for a microphone?

LAUGHTER

Over in America, what the hell was this sports commentator watching?

He's standing in front of the net with about

eight inches of his shaft in his hand.

LAUGHTER

I tell you what, Dominic really knows how to make a woman feel good.

I have to confess something now.

-I had 1½ jam doughnuts today, this morning.

-Did you?

-I did, yeah.

-I thought you were looking a bit...you know.

LAUGHTER

And finally, if you photo-bomb someone on the news,

this is how you do it!

As a receiver, we just work on, you know, running routes and...

LAUGHTER

Did you hear about the latest

surveillance crackdown by the government?

The internet browsing history of every person in the UK

will be recorded for a year under controversial new legislation

being announced by the Home Secretary later today.

LAUGHTER

The government are checking our internet history?! Did you hear that?

That is the sound of my brother smashing his laptop with a hammer!

"Agh! Burn it, Russ! Burn it!"

Poor laptop!

Honestly, there's so much filth on his computer,

every time he opens it up, it shudders.

LAUGHTER

What I want to know, what are the government hoping to learn?

Imagine being interrogated for your internet history.

Mr Howard, why have you looked at this picture 400 times this year?

LAUGHTER

"I just like it! It looks like he's going, 'O-o-o-oh.' "

They're not going to discover anything sinister, are they?

What they're going to discover is that British people are lunatics.

These are all genuine questions that people have googled.

And my personal favourite...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's not just websites. Look what else they're checking.

If I send a text message, police and security services can see

what time I sent that message, where I was and that I sent it to you.

They check your phone! Imagine that job.

Some poor spy checking teenage girls' texts.

POSH ACCENT: "What news, Fleming?"

"Well, Theresa don't like her ears. She be, like, they totes fugly."

LAUGHTER

"And Nikki be, like, sista, please, your ears is well peng.

"And Theresa be, like, you just saying that."

Mind you, some of the texts will be fun to read.

LAUGHTER

So, why are the Government spying on us? Well, apparently...

Let's be honest, the Government aren't going to find terrorists.

The only thing they're going to learn is that British people

mostly use the internet to watch videos like this.

-MAN:

-Oh, not again!

Oh...! Aw!

HE CACKLES

APPLAUSE It's what they'll do! Now...

Frrrrrrrrrrrom...

From worrying surveillance to whining Brits.

The Russian plane which crashed in Egypt may well have been

brought down by a bomb.

All British flights from Sharm el-Sheikh are now being suspended

until a team of UK experts can

assess security arrangements at that airport.

Nothing's organised, nothing's structured.

-Well, let us know when we're going!

-When are we going?

-Idiot.

Why am I still here?

LAUGHTER

Cos there was a bomb on a plane!

What is wrong with people? "Bloody Egyptians, lookin' after me!

"Makin' sure I don't blow up in the sky!"

It's pathetic! Did you see the way Russians reacted? Bit more stoic.

So you're not worried about terrorism here?

No. I think that, if we go down, nothing can help us.

LAUGHTER

"If we die, we die."

The footage that really got me

was this woman screaming at the British ambassador.

We've been told the planes can't land,

that Egyptian government are arguing with David Cameron

and he's not letting any planes land, so what's the problem?

You're stuttering now.

He's... LAUGHTER

He's not stuttering, you just won't let him speak!

What I don't understand, don't get angry at the government

when they're trying to protect you.

Get angry at the government, cos of people like MP Philip Davies.

Here is a picture of him earlier this year.

Good guy! No. Here is what he did last week.

What an arsehole.

Carers have to pay to park at hospitals!

They wanted a debate to end this bullshit

and that wanker spoke for 93 minutes so they couldn't.

Well, I think we can change that photo, don't you?

LAUGHTER

You can disagree with it, that's fine. APPLAUSE

It's so... HE GROANS

You can disagree with it, that's fine. You have to let them debate, that is your job!

I can't wait for him to rock up to hospital, "Help! I'm having a heart attack!"

"Oh, really? We'll see you in 93 minutes."

LAUGHTER

Could he be more of a dick? Yes, he can.

Here's a list of the things he's spoken out against.

Dick!

Dick!

DICK! And finally, he said...

He's such a dick, he doesn't have a dick! He's...

He's just got a tiny version of himself that just goes, "BLEURGH!"

For 93 minutes!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Elsewhere this week - now, you know Christmas is round the corner

when this is all over the telly.

The John Lewis Christmas advert premieres this evening.

It's become a staple

of the seasonal TV schedules and, once again,

it's utterly shameless in pulling at our heartstrings.

# You're half the world away

# You're half the world away I've been lost, I've been found

# But I don't feel down

# You're half the world away

# I've been lost, I've been found But I don't feel down. #

AUDIENCE: Ahhh...

Don't "Aw"! He's using a telescope to peer into a kid's bedroom.

LAUGHTER

That is...

APPLAUSE

That's not heart-warming, that is grooming, that's what that is.

And now she's giving him a telescope?

First the government is spying on us

and now we've got to worry about moonjizz.com.

LAUGHTER

Yeah... # Moonjizz.com... #

It's ridiculous. What message do kids take from that?

It's OK to give an old man binoculars? It's not!

God knows what'll happen!

# You're half the world away

# I've been lost, I've been found But I don't feel down

# You're half the world away... #

"SHE" SHRIEKS

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Next up, it's been a tough week for seven-year-olds.

For what is already known as the most tested generation,

life could be about to get even tougher.

The Education Secretary, Nicky Morgan,

has revealed plans to introduce more rigorous testing

for children across England, starting at the age of seven.

Poor kids! They interviewed them about exams.

Look at the effect it's had on this little fella.

It's, like, really serious. Like, it's not... Life isn't a joke.

How heartbreaking is that? "Life isn't a joke."

That's exactly what life should be when you're seven.

You should be having fun, riding your bike, jumping in puddles,

feeding your dog glitter so it shits magic.

LAUGHTER

When I was seven, my mate Paul farted in school assembly

and went, "Pardon my arse." And...

LAUGHTER

..I genuinely don't think I've ever laughed so much in my life.

You don't need exams when you're seven.

When you think about it, all you need to know - who smelt it dealt it,

who denied it supplied it, and who rhymed it crimed it.

If you're very advanced,

milk, milk, lemonade, round the corner chocolate's made. But...

that's only for very advanced people.

Now, mind you, one thing I did love about this story was this.

I love the idea that Cameron will be reading stuff like this.

This is the best bit - "show your thinking" - look what the kid did!

I love it.

LAUGHTER

It's the most wonderful thing.

It could be worse, though, right. You could go to school in Hong Kong.

This is nuts. Look what kids over there have to put up with.

Getting into a good school can be stressful for both children

and parents.

It's seen as so important in Hong Kong that children

like Carlson Chun here are training for their interview,

despite only being 2½ years old.

Two-year-olds having interviews.

"What do you think you can bring to the school?" "Sandwiches?"

LAUGHTER

Babies aren't ready for exams!

They can buckle under the simplest of questions.

-Say "baby".

-Baby.

-Say "Mama".

-Mama.

-Say "Dada".

-Dada.

-Say "robot".

-HE GIBBERS

LAUGHTER

It's not just changes in exams.

Did you hear about the plans for school photos?

A school photographer in West Sussex has outraged parents

by offering to airbrush their children's pictures.

Airbrush school photos? I would have loved that in my day! Look at this!

Would have been amazing!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Don't applaud, I look like Harry Potter's German pen pal.

That photo is all over the internet. It's even been turned into a meme.

I didn't write this joke. Look what they've done.

LAUGHTER Oh, yeah, ha-ha-ha-ha, funny!

CHEERING

So...

Exams, photos, anything else? Yep.

Have you heard about the government's genius idea to combat child obesity?

What?

How's that going to work?

LAUGHTER

Next up, terrifying news for cat owners.

Now, when they're curled up on your lap, they look very cute and cuddly,

but a recent report has suggested

that your cat could actually be plotting to kill you.

LAUGHTER

Did you hear that?

Apparently your cat is "plotting to kill you".

I love the word "plotting",

like they're drawing ways to kill you in their litter tray.

"What you doing?" "Nothing, nothing."

"(Planning to kill you, that's all.)"

"No, go over there, go over there.

"(And it'll be the last thing you ever do...)"

I love this so much. Did you see how scientists described them?

Of course they're unstable.

Any animal that thinks a mouse's head is a present is clearly a psycho!

"You love it, don't you?"

LAUGHTER

"Try it on, try it on!"

Of course they're unstable. They sit in front of you and lick their arse!

"Hi." HE SLURPS LOUDLY

"How's things?"

"If you fall asleep, I'm going to kill you."

But some people won't have it.

Did you see this lady try and defend them?

Cats are very empathetic, I find,

if you're going through something stressful.

Maybe your driving test, or something's going on in your life,

you'll find the cat actually spends more time with you.

What a load of shit!

"Sorry, guys. I would love to stay and rip a squirrel up,

"but my owner's doing a driving test."

Just rubbing her feet - "Let's go through it one more time.

"Mirror, signal, manoeuvre.

"You're stressed, you're stressed, you're stressed, aren't you?

"Do you want to see me lick my arse again?

"Just for you!" SLURP!

"Nom, nom, nom!"

Cats are trying to kill you?

Listen, if they do attack, they are pretty easy to stop.

Cats plus ice cream equals brain freeze.

YOWLING GARGLE

My guest tonight is probably one of the most famous astronauts in the world.

He's made science exciting to an entire generation

and more than 27 million people have seen him in space,

singing David Bowie.

# This is Major Tom to ground control

# I've left forevermore

# And I'm floating in a most peculiar way

# And the stars look very different today

# For here am I sitting in a tin can

# Far above the world

# Planet Earth is blue and there's nothing left to do. #

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Chris Hadfield.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you very much for coming on the show.

-Thank you.

-Argh!

I'll say this now, you have got a firm handshake.

-Thank you.

-That was good.

-So, the first question, obviously - what's it like to be in space?

-Uh...

Number one, it's like magic, because you're weightless, which is...

It's a superpower.

You know, it is...it is something that you've never experienced

in your whole life and, the second the engines shut off,

instantaneously, you are now...

Shitting yourself? LAUGHTER

You are now weightless.

It's like someone just tapped you on the head and said, "You can fly."

And so, that's delightful.

And then, at the same time, the whole world is pouring by.

You go round the world every hour and a half,

so 16 times around the planet every day,

so you're weightless and, every time you look at the window,

another whole part of the world's going by.

-It's an intoxicating place to be.

-I read some interesting things.

What do you do to prepare, before you go on?

Cos I heard some fascinating things.

Well, the Russian spaceship is relatively simple.

-Yeah.

-And the WC on it is really primitive.

It's almost nothing, and so, just before launch,

just before you put on your spacesuit, you give yourself

not one, but two enemas, just before launch.

-Wow.

-Just so that you won't have to use the facilities

on the way up to docking with the space station.

-HE LAUGHS:

-Lying on the cold, tiled floor in Russian quarantine,

as your bowels evacuate themselves, thinking,

"The glorious life of an astronaut(!)"

I guess the other option is much worse. "Houston, we have a floater."

-Exactly right.

-The other thing I read was about

getting washed down with Russian men with alcohol. Is that right?

One of the concerns is, you don't want

-to bring a cold or a flu up into the space station...

-Yeah.

..but another is, what if you've just got some little bit of mould

or something you brushed into on your skin?

You don't want to bring any sort of skin infection up there,

so, after you've finished with the enema,

in comes a Russian technician

and he wipes your entire body down with rubbing alcohol.

-Right.

-And it's cold in Kazakhstan, so...

And this isn't a person you know well.

-So, it's kind of...

-At that moment! Presumably, five minutes later,

-you know each other very well.

-Yeah, good mates! But, yeah...

I'm assuming, in that moment, there must be a part of you thinking,

"Er... I'd rather have been a teacher."

-LAUGHTER

-Yeah.

I read something interesting about you, if this is right,

-that you once discovered something strange in space?

-Ah.

-The cake.

-Yeah.

-This is an amazing story.

-This really freaked me out.

-It was so funny!

-I was the commander of the crew.

-Yeah.

I was back digging through our pantry,

looking for something interesting to bring out for food

and I opened up the zipper and I'm digging away

and out next to me floats a fruitcake.

Not even a professionally-made fruitcake,

but it looked like a fruitcake your aunt might have made and sent you.

I'm looking at this, going,

"Who ordered a fruitcake?! Where did a fruitcake come from?!"

And I was thinking, well, we'll give it a try.

Put it down, unwrapped the cellophane,

-and I found it had a little card in it...

-Yes.

..and it was made by Trappist monks in the Ozarks in the United States.

I was thinking, they had no idea

where their fruitcake was going to end up.

But the beauty of fruitcake, because it's preserved in a lot of rum...

-Yeah.

-..and such, if you just Velcro it to the table, it doesn't dry out.

So, everybody floating by would just grab a little piece of fruitcake.

-It's wonderful space food. Who would've thought?

-I love that.

How...? So many things happen for a monk to make a fruitcake.

One of the monks manages to sneak it onto a spacecraft -

and then, this is the best thing - cos they are monks, they don't talk,

they can't brag about it!

Well, we thought we'd give them a phone call,

cos on the little calling card was their telephone number in the Ozarks

and we occasionally have a link from the space station,

where we can telephone down to the ground, so we thought,

we'll call the monks and thank them for their fruitcake.

-That must have freaked them out.

-So, dialled it up, got through

and we discovered that monks don't answer their phone.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

But they would never... They would never have believed you, either.

You'd say, "Hello, we're eating your cake in space."

"Oh, yeah - it's them kids from down the road!"

I left a message. "Hi, this is Chris Hadfield,

I'm the commander of the International Space Station.

"Just wanted to tell you, one of your fruitcakes is up here, it's really delicious.

We really appreciate you making it for us and everybody on the whole crew, even the Russians,

they really like it. Thanks very much. Hope to meet you someday. Bye-bye.

I'm just picturing them around their answering machine.

"Really?"

# Put it on speaker. #

# I made that cake. #

What's it like, being home after you've been to space?

It's funny when you come home, of course,

because you're so used to just placing things in the air

and then grabbing them again when you need them.

And on my first landing,

Jerry Ross and I were standing next to each other.

We'd just landed on the runway

and he floated a tape to me out of his video camera and it went...

onto the ground.

And both of us, like some bad Godzilla movie, went...

..looked down and picked it up.

We looked pathetic and then laughed at each other.

So what's your favourite moment from being in space?

What's the go-to, that was it, that was the...?

I've done two spacewalks. They're a huge amount of preparation.

They're a risky thing to do.

Er... During my second space flight,

we had to go outside and build some things

and it's very theoretical and years and years -

more than a university degree of training - just for the spacewalk.

-Wow.

-You get up, it takes about four hours

to put your spacesuit on, to go through all of it.

You've got to get the nitrogen out of your blood

and all sorts of things.

But finally, the moment comes,

when you're in the airlock, it's all hatched,

you've depressurised it down to the vacuum, the suit is inflated

and dead quiet and you grab this huge handle and spin it -

and you can't hear it, even though it's a big, metal thing.

You clunk it up out of place

and you pull yourself out into the universe.

And suddenly, the whole world is...

-There's nothing between you and the world...

-Yeah.

-..but the curve of your visor...

-Wow!

-..and you look the other way

and it's the entire universe, all around you.

And you're just holding on with one hand.

-That moment is overwhelming.

-Yeah, right.

It sort of puts being a turtle into perspective.

Maybe a turtle that had just been chucked off Everest.

They must have that similar thing of going, "Wow..."

But yours is so much cooler.

Yeah, it's...

At one point, Houston said, "Hey, just hold on for a few minutes,

"we need to think about something."

So, I get a moment just to think about where I am and so,

I held on more and more gently,

until I was just holding on with my fingertips

and I got myself perfectly still

and then, I just let go -

flying around the sun, with the spaceship,

the two of us and the Earth.

And just a sense of what it really feels like, alone in the universe.

Our first steps away from home.

-Just a magnificent, personal moment...

-Extraordinary! Yeah.

..and so, kind of an early glimpse of what that's going to feel like,

to have separated ourselves from the planet.

I could talk to you all night. It's an absolute pleasure to speak to you.

Thank you very much, Chris. Amazing. Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Hadfield!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Elsewhere in the news, did you hear about James Bond?

Bond has become a modern man! Well, that is going to change the films.

Ah. Martini, Mr Bond?

No, I'll have a smoothie.

Did you enjoy that?

Loved it.

The name's Bond, James Bond.

Licensed...to respect!

God, I love recycling!

I like it. APPLAUSE

Finally tonight, an inspirational man from New York,

trying to educate people about the real danger of guns.

I'm pro-second amendment, so it's like...

it's kind of hard to find that in New York City.

Like I was showing your wife,

the first gun I showed her was this revolver.

It's the easiest gun we have to use, it's our most popular one.

This is .22 calibre, six inch revolver.

It's also a gun that a five-year-old found in his parents' bedroom,

went down and shot his nine-month-old baby brother with it.

Collectors love this one.

Adam Lanza's mom had this in her collection too,

till he took this and several other guns and killed her,

then went down to Sandy Hook,

killed six teachers and 20 innocent children.

-20 little kids, gone...

-CLICKS FINGER:

-..like that.

They thought, ironically,

that they were protecting their nine-month-old.

She thought she was protecting her two-year-old.

Nine millimetre semi-automatic. .40 calibre compact. .45 calibre.

Nine millimetre submachine gun. 12 gauge pump action shotgun.

Why don't you have a closer look?

I was pretty blindsided

by just the entire history of every gun in the store.

It is one of our rights, but my opinion has definitely changed.

I don't... I don't feel safe with a gun.

Makes you think, doesn't it? Thanks for watching.

Goodnight, my friends. # Goodnight, farewell... #

CHEERING