Episode 3 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Hello, hello, hello!

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Hello! And welcome to Good News. So, what has been happening?

It is me or does somebody need to have a word with Carol

about her parenting?

Now, have a look at this. Looks like the kind of place

you'd take the kids to for a day trip, doesn't it?

Not really, Carol!

Over on Breakfast, Bill Turnbull dropped the daintiest fart ever.

..whatever language that they would have arrested him in.

PARP!

It's a lovely little mouse parp, isn't it? Meeew!

Louis van Gaal's English - not going so great.

Sticks and bones can break my... Eh?

And, finally, this cookery programme wins my award

for Most Unexpected End To A Show...Ever.

SHE SPEAKS IN EUROPEAN LANGUAGE

Come back.

THEY SPEAKS IN EUROPEAN LANGUAGE

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

APPLAUSE

So, what has been going on? Did you hear the news about bacon?

The World Health Organisation is now warning that the equivalent

of less than two slices of bacon a day can boost your chances

of developing one form of cancer by nearly 20%.

Bacon, ham and hot dog...

-Cancer.

-Bacon, ham, sausages...

-Cancer.

Hot dogs, bacon and sausages...

-Cancer.

-Hot dogs, bacon, ham...

-Cancer.

-Bacon and...

-Cancer.

-Bacon.

-Cancer.

-Bacon.

-Cancer.

-Bacon.

-..and cancer.

But we like bacon!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes, we do-o-o-!

We like bacon!

We love bacon!

A bacon sandwich is one of the greatest things in the world

and now it gives you cancer.

It's like finding out Stephen Fry drowns puppies.

I was gutted! Look what they compared it to...

Red and processed meats. Could be as big a threat as smoking.

Jesus!

In 20 years, people will be outside pubs eating sausages.

Just hipsters vaping piglets.

Going cold turkey, you put a bit of bacon on your arm, like that.

"Are you trying to quit?"

"No, I'm mad."

Do you know the worst thing? Do you see the way Sky News covered it?

They went to a cafe and tried to scare the shit out of people.

Bacon, sausage, beans, fried egg. According to the World Health

Organisation, you may as well have a big pile of asbestos on that plate.

"You're going to die!"

He tried it again later. Didn't really work.

Processed sausage, bacon - potentially-cancer causing.

-How is your breakfast?

-It's lovely.

CHEERING

"I enjoyed it."

I'm with him. People in this country are going to struggle

to give up bacon. We really, really love it.

Listen to this 999 call. This isn't made up.

This is a genuine call to the police.

Only in this country!

APPLAUSE

Elsewhere this week, one of the most emotive stories in the news

was the Tories' attempt to get tax credit cuts

through the House of Lords.

The Chancellor, George Osborne, says he will continue with his proposed

tax credit cuts, despite a double defeat

in the House of Lords last night.

I am determined to deliver that lower welfare, higher wage economy

that we were elected to deliver and the British people want to see.

"British people want to see"? Maybe your millionaire mates

want tax reform, but some people are really struggling.

Look at this heartbreaking clip from Question Time.

I voted Conservatives, originally, cos I thought you were going to be

the better chance for me and my children.

You are about to cut tax credits, after promising you wouldn't.

I work bloody hard for my money, to provide for my children,

to give them everything they have got and you are going to take

it away from me and them. I can hardly afford the rent

I have to pay. I can hardly afford the bills I have got to do and you are going to take more from me.

Osborne keeps banging on about reducing the deficit.

I've got an idea how you can reduce it -

stop taking money off people like her and get Google, Amazon

or Starbucks to pay their fair share of their fucking taxes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

She's clearly suffering.

One of the most shocking parts of this story -

you probably saw this - was this headline.

That makes him sound like a villain from one of his own shit musicals!

TO TUNE OF JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR: # Hate the poor, I don't care

# I'm a spam-faced millionaire... #

It's bullshit! Although Lloyd-Webber was good in Star Wars.

Not that it was the only tax story that angered people.

Did you read about tampons?

Yep, women still have to pay 5% VAT on tampons,

cos they're considered a luxury.

Luxury? They're tampons!

They're not Ferrero Rocher.

I've never seen a woman in Tesco, "Oh, my God, look at them all!

"They're so sumptuous!"

No woman has ever inserted one and gone, "Oh, I am spoiling myself!

"Ohhhh, I feel so decadent!"

It's ridiculous. They're not aspirational.

You don't see Beyonce bragging about them.

# If you like it, you should have got me one with wings on it

# If you like it, you should have got me one with wings on it

# Uh-oh-oh-oh-oh... #

"Oh, Jay, I got stomach cramps. Get me a hot water bottle!"

Do you know the absurd thing?

You pay VAT on tampons because they're a luxury,

but you don't pay VAT on things that are considered essential.

And here is a list of some of the things that the taxman

thinks are more essential than tampons.

Helicopters, bingo, Twiglets,

adult nappies, flapjacks, toffee apples, edible cake decorations,

a ticket to the zoo and crocodile meat!

Crocodile meat!

That's essential? Yeah, if you're Mick fucking Dundee!

I think this lady's gentle sign puts it best.

APPLAUSE

It's been a bad week all round for the government.

Did you hear about Cameron's Photoshop gaffe?

Fury filtered through social media yesterday after Downing Street

digitally added a poppy to this photograph of David Cameron

on its Facebook account.

I cannot believe he used Photoshop.

"Spend a pound on a poppy? HE SNORTS

"I'd rather give a woman a free tampon!"

He shouldn't have used Photoshop.

I didn't use Photoshop when I was talking about bacon,

did I, or I would have shown this.

APPLAUSE

I enjoyed that so much, it makes me want to dance.

ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Elsewhere this week, have a look at this.

We've only just said goodbye to summer,

but a shopping centre in Derbyshire

has already put up its Christmas decorations.

Christmas decorations already! I'll bet the locals were delighted.

It annoys me and it actually puts me off Christmas

because Christmas, it's Christmas and Christmas

and, by the time it actually gets to Christmas,

you've had enough of it.

He's got a point - Christmas IS Christmas until it's Christmas.

Then, it's Boxing Day.

Mind you, if you think that's mad, look what the store manager said.

This may be my favourite comeback ever.

You're always going to get grumpy people.

They've had bad experiences as children.

They wanted a train set, they got gloves.

I love it!

"They wanted a train set, they got gloves.

"You don't like Easter?

"You've probably had an egg shoved up your arse!"

Not that all shop stories were depressing.

This is absolutely amazing.

That is amazing!

Grown men and women have been playing hide and seek in IKEA.

Look at this woman!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

As soon as I heard about this, I went and did it with my brother.

Why would you not?

It was great, cos he went off and hid...and I just left.

It's true, it's true.

I was sat in a cafe, giggling my tits off,

but the trouble is, you can't tell anyone.

"Why are you laughing?" HE HOLDS BACK LAUGHTER

Cos my brother's in the cupboard!

He can't get out! He may die, he may die!

Not that it's the best prank played by a brother I've seen.

This is why Mom doesn't fucking love you!

Now... APPLAUSE

It's good that adults are playing hide-and-seek

but, let's be honest, they'll never be able to topple kids.

They are the masters of disguise.

I love that photo so much.

Next up, guys, guys, guys, guys, let's talk about nutscaping.

"What's nutscaping, Rus? Is it something to do with pistachios?" No.

Well, I think this lady puts it best.

Whatever turns them on.

So, who would like to see these breathtaking vistas?

Look at that.

Wow!

Who in their right mind looks at a glorious sunset and thinks,

"That needs teabagging"?

This one looks so cold,

I'm surprised he could even find his spuds.

Look at that!

Who gets their ballbag out in Mordor?

This one's the worst, look at this.

Arg! It looks like a granny's chin.

What is wrong with men?

Why would you put your...?

You would never see women doing this.

"Oh, look, the Grand Canyon. Derek?

"Get me camera, I'm going to do a flap snap.

"Are you getting it all, Derek? Are you getting it all?

"Oh, a tampon, I feel so luxurious." APPLAUSE

I don't understand it. Testicles are the ugliest things in the world.

They're like dying onion bhajis just...

The only photo that would improve is this.

That's the only one. APPLAUSE

Elsewhere in the news...

No, no, he's not.

My guest this week has an incredible story It's been made into an

Oscar-winning documentary and is now a major Hollywood movie - The Walk.

Look at this.

I have never obstructed justice.

-Why did you do this?

-Police took a humourless view of the act.

-Why did you do it?

-There is no wire.

Beyond anything you can ever imagine. Mind-boggling.

This is probably the end of my life, to step on that wire.

Death is very close.

I figured I was watching something that somebody else would

never see again in the world. It was a once-in-a-lifetime.

...every day as a true challenge

and then you live your life on the tightrope.

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen... A true one-off, Philippe Petit!

Philippe, thank you so much for coming on the show.

Thank you very much.

This is very, very, very exciting to have you on the show.

Thanks for coming. The first thing I want to say,

the first thing that leaps off that, not only is it extraordinary to do

what you did, to walk between the Twin Towers, but to do it in flares.

Are you talking about the actual design? Does that bother you?

It doesn't bother me. I just love the confidence, because if that had been

me, I would have gone with something really tight,

but it's the fact that...

But it's nice that the wind is... is communicating with me.

-How cocky can you get? That's what I love about it.

-Not much more.

No, exactly. LAUGHTER

The only way that could have been better is if,

on the bottom of your flares, it just went, "Whatever, God."

I guess the first thing is, why do you do what you do?

That's a great question and I'm totally unable to answer.

Why do I like to become a half-man, half-bird?

Well, maybe because I like to look at the world from above,

from a different...vision.

Maybe because I like to explore, you know?

I don't know, but I just love it. It's in me.

My day is not the same if I don't walk the high wire

and I practice three hours a day, at 66 years old.

-Wow!

-And that keeps me alive.

So, passion is what I'm throwing at you, like a ball, as an answer

to that impossible question.

Oh, God. I like you a lot.

What...?

I didn't know... I thought you were going to throw that at me.

Thought you were looking for something just to...

"Does this answer your question?"

I did make a sorry face but I was thinking, you know,

in a show like this, you would agree to have my best Scotch there.

-Mate, if you want a Scotch, I'll get you a Scotch.

-I would love that.

I would love a single malt, if you have it or anything...

LAUGHTER Absolutely, let's do it.

APPLAUSE

Hey.

You seem naturally rebellious.

Because you were expelled from school five times.

No, I was not rebellious because I was expelled,

I was expelled and I became rebellious.

I was expelled simply because it was ridiculous for me

to try to funnel down this...

Almost like, you know, forced goose feeding - history, geography,

mathematics - when I had something very important to do.

-I was practising...

-Oh, yes!

-..with my hands.

Please tell me there was a moment when you were, like, 13 -

-"I cannot do this. I have something important to do."

-Exactly.

-Yes, mate.

And then, I was thrown out of all those schools,

simply because I needed more time and focus to perfect my art.

Then the irony is that I become a thief of knowledge.

-I wanted to learn everything.

-Yeah.

I would see a guide in construction site welding -

"Oh, I want to learn welding."

Then I go to the dentist and I say, "Show me the tool. Oh, that's great. I would like to become a dentist."

It's like model-making with pain, you know?

So, anyway, if school makes no sense to you,

then engulf all the school you can from life, you know.

Oh, completely. Exactly.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I read... You've been arrested for street performing, as well.

How does that happen?

More than 500 times.

I put that in my resume with pride.

And then, I stopped counting, because it was silly.

So, I had been arrested mostly for street juggling.

-I'm still doing it.

-But how are you arrested for juggling?

I go anywhere. I did it in London a few times.

I draw a circle of chalk on a pavement and then people come.

I don't say a word,

because I created a...a comic, silent -

comic, I hope.

You should never say you are a comic, of course.

But anyway, I don't speak...

You are a born comic. Your body language is fabulous,

-and I can tell because...

-RUSSELL LAUGHS

..in the street, that's what I...

You know, the weird thing is, I pulled an arse muscle.

Forget about it.

Anyway, so, in my street juggling, I play with the people.

-What was the question? I forgot.

-I don't know.

Oh, arrested, arrested.

So...and then I put a rope between two trees and I juggle and I mime...

I don't mime, I hate mimes.

But anyway, I am a silent character.

And at some point, the police, with uniform, come to arrest me.

So, I have a unicycle,

and I make a little, very quick opening in my crowd

and then I jump on a unicycle and I go so fast that...

-Most police in the world don't have a unicycle unit.

-No.

And I disappear.

APPLAUSE

Here's a question for you.

Do you not get scared when you're doing it?

-When you're doing...

-Scared of what?

Of...of dying.

Being that high up on a wire that small - are you not scared?

Most people would be - and this is a British phrase -

bricking it.

I was playing with you in a sense...

No, you know what they say in New York,

but it will be bleeped on the TV.

-Hey, I was fucking with you.

-Yeah.

Now, I feel so much better.

APPLAUSE

So, anyway...

No, the reason I am not scared, to be very honest,

is that there is no possibility, mental or physical, for me to -

and I will not pronounce that word, but let's be poetic -

to fly off the wire, right?

I am the engineer, I learn by myself, engineering.

I design my anchor points, I built my balancing pole,

I fabricate my shoes.

So, anyway, the most dangerous thing,

unless you know how to juggle it,

-is to feel...not important, but invincible.

-Yeah.

The minute you feel you are above the normal human level,

then you are in danger,

for the climber, of losing your grip,

for the wire walker, of losing your heart,

for the comic on stage, of losing the thread of your presentation -

I don't know if you have a thread, you seem to improvise a lot.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, talking of...

Talking of improvising, we've got you that Scotch.

-We've got it there.

-Oh, this is fabulous - oh, two!

We didn't ask for one.

-This is fabulous.

-It's all right, isn't it?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This is...it's not finished,

but this is my best TV show in my entire life.

Aw! This is going all right.

-I love the Scotch.

-APPLAUSE

We have to do many, many more shows together.

That is absolutely fine. Is there anything...

Is there anything that does scare you, in life?

Yes. Um... Bacon and cancer.

Yeah...

-Um...nice.

-No, you know what?

I am not too keen, on the ground, because in the sky, I have no fear,

but on the ground, I am not too keen on animals with too many legs.

Or animals with not enough legs.

RUSSELL LAUGHS

Oh... Who would have thought?

This is what I'm getting at.

So, the only thing I would have to do to put you off from your majestic art

is fly a helicopter near you and throw a centipede at you.

-That would be...

-You have a weird mind.

How have I got a weird mind?

There's...there's nothing weird about that...

This is all right, isn't it? What a life, eh?

I really like you.

I tell you, if I was a 66-year-old lady,

you and me would be going at it.

Was that a question?

-I'm just... It's true...

-Why are you smiling?

LAUGHTER Cos I'm just imagining me as a 66-year-old lady...

I cannot wait!

APPLAUSE

That was so wonderful. Thank you so much for coming on, my friend.

Ladies and gentlemen, Philippe Petit!

Some mad crime stories this week.

This is great...

Have you seen it? Oh, it's terrific, isn't it?

It may possibly be THE most British thing ever.

If you're still struggling with consent,

just imagine - instead of initiating sex,

you're making them a cup of tea.

You say, "Hey, would you like a cup of tea?"

And they go, "Oh, my God, I would love a cup of tea, thank you."

Then you know they want a cup of tea.

If you say, "Hey, would you like a cup of tea?"

And they're, like, "Er, you know, I'm not really sure."

Then, you can make them a cup of tea or not.

But be aware that they might not drink it.

And if they don't drink it, then -

and this is the important bit - don't make them drink it.

So...British, right?

There's more...

And if they're unconscious, don't make them tea.

Unconscious people don't want tea

and they can't answer the question "Do you want tea?"

because they're unconscious.

You should just put the tea down,

make sure the unconscious person is safe, and -

this is the important part, again -

don't make them drink the tea.

I think it's wonderful.

I actually think...

I think they should have done that with tax credits.

Here is a family with hardly any tea.

The Tories have lots of tea.

But they want more tea.

And instead of taking it from people who can afford to lose tea,

they want to take YOUR tea.

THEY GASP

They even got their friend, Andrew, to help them get the tea.

But don't worry, under Tory policy, you'll get tea eventually.

CHEERING

I tell you what...

I think that was quite good. It makes me want to...

..DANCE!

HEAVY BEAT DANCE MUSIC

Yeah, that's right... Ah-ha!

Kick it!

Kick it, Anita! Kick it!

Finally, tonight, an inspirational woman who makes you

think about moaning a little less about your life.

In an ideal world, I would like people to maybe not stare,

maybe not freak out and run away from me,

because, then, that helps me and hopefully other people

who look different.

Hopefully help them to realise that...

..they are a member of society.

Abandoned at birth, bullied at school,

and regularly abused as an adult,

22-year-old Mui Thomas has a rare condition called

Harlequin ichthyosis.

Her skin sheds much faster than normal skin.

She has no control over her body temperature,

and she has arthritis.

Mui is giving back, by working at a special needs school and

giving motivational talks.

When I was a child, I once said,

"Mummy, if there is one thing that I want for Christmas,

"it is to have ordinary skin..."

Mui's experience of cyberbullying is the focus of her talks,

where she relives the most painful time of her life

to try to help others going through the same thing.

The cyberbullies, they made comments like,

"Oh, you shouldn't be alive. You should have been dead.

"Nobody loves you, nobody wants you."

And...when you're already a teenager struggling with...

SHE CHUCKLES

..you know, self-image, that really hurts.

But Mui is determined not to let that hold her back,

taking inspiration from her father's love of rugby

to become a fully qualified referee.

BLOWS WHISTLE

When I'm on the pitch, I'm just a referee in the middle.

Nobody actually cares whether I look different or not.

They only care if I make a wrong decision.

Two. Touch.

And I love that. I love the fact

that I'm...in some way, I'm anonymous.

Mui is thought to be the fourth-oldest person in

the world living with her condition.

The oldest is currently 31.

But her uncertain future is certainly not slowing her down.

What an amazing young woman, eh?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much for watching Good News.

Goodnight, my friends, goodnight!

Farewell! See you later!

CHEERING