Episode 2 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you. Thank you! Hello and welcome to Good News.

So what's been happening? Here's a tip -

if you want to undermine someone on the news, just loosen their chair...

HE SPEAKS IN OWN LANGUAGE

Over on Look East, Stewart revealed he's not a fan of boob jobs...

They do look great, but when you look at them,

you can't resist the thought that, eventually, they're going to fall off.

Is it me, or does someone need to teach this guy to blow his nose?

HE HONKS

And finally, over on Good Morning Britain,

Ben and Susanna's sex party went down an absolute storm...

How are you feeling?

Well, my legs are a little sore

-but my spirits are boosted.

-Yes.

-What an extraordinary experience.

-Well done to everyone who took part.

What a night!

So, what's been going on?

Well, the big news was the Chinese State visit.

It's been the final day of the State visit to the UK

of China's President Xi Jinping...

..hailed by Mr Cameron as the start

of a golden era for trade and investment relations...

..despite persistent criticism of China's record on human rights.

Supporters of President Xi tried to make sure

his eyes were shielded from protest.

This is England, not bloody China.

Now, some people say Chinese supporters were bussed in

and told what to do, but come on!

Listen to this guy - he's clearly thinking for himself.

Can I ask you why you've chosen to stand in front of a demonstration

against the human rights abuses in China?

Um...

Mind you, blocking protesters is nothing.

Look what they did last year.

That is a tough job!

No...

No...

No!

Surely, after 5,000, you'd be like,

"I don't think there's any in here!"

Bizarrely, it wasn't just the Chinese government

trying to suppress the protests.

Look who else got involved in the cover-up.

The Queen even made sure President Xi was on the right side

of the carriage to miss the demonstrators outside.

AS THE QUEEN: Ignore them.

If I had a penny for every time somebody had a pop at me...

Oh, I do!

So the Queen might have pandered to the Chinese government,

but I bet you our Prime Minister didn't buckle!

I bet you Cameron grilled the Chinese for hours

over their atrocious human rights record!

David Cameron's taken the Chinese President Xi Jinping

to his local pub.

AS CAMERON: Forget human rights, let's get wankered!

AS HIMSELF: It's a good job they didn't stay for the pub quiz.

"Which country sentences more of its own people to death than any other?"

Chinese President's like that - "I know that! It's me, it's me."

So, did the locals treat Dave with respect?

What do you think?!

It wasn't long before the locals got in on the act,

one cheeky regular reminding the Prime Minister

this was the pub where he left his daughter behind.

Ah... I bet they didn't stop there.

Oi, Dave! Dave! HE GRUNTS LIKE A PIG

Fancy a pork scratching? Na-ah-ah!

Your dick smells like Frazzles, mate.

Mind you, we're not the only ones taking the piss.

Did you see what the Chinese media have been saying about us?

Well, that is absolute nonsense!

Mind you, you can see why they said this.

Sky News were obsessed with the President eating chips.

Last night, we saw President Xi try fish and chips for the first time.

Other channels asked tough questions.

Not Kay Burley. She did an interview with a random chip shop.

This may be the most pointless bit of news ever.

So, what sort of fish is the best fish to use with fish and chips

and, indeed, what sort of potatoes are the best potatoes to use?

Human rights is clearly a problem in China...

When you said "mostly Maris Piper",

are there other potatoes that you use as well?

China is getting very, very close to the heart of State security...

OK. We have to talk about the sides, of course.

Mushy peas? Gravy?

From a security point of view, are we wise to cosy up to China...

It used to be old newspaper that you would wrap the chips up in.

You can't do that any more. Do you think that makes any difference?

..deliberate conspiracy by Chinese to flood the British market

with cheap steel...

What about that trendy new fish, pollock? Do you use that as well?

No.

That report...

That report went on for ten minutes.

The BBC did it in ten seconds.

-Do the Chinese really like fish and chips?

-Not really.

Now, away from Chipgate, the new Bond film is out.

The new James Bond blockbuster, Spectre,

was given the royal seal of approval at its world premiere in London.

Forget the premiere - did you hear about this?

That is DISGUSTING!

You would NEVER see me do this.

But then I'm too busy juicing

with the new Fruitbuster 520!

Every sip tastes like heaven!

Mmm!

Wonderful!

Product placement is wrong.

You're selling your artistic soul for money,

and that is outrageous.

Almost as outrageous as the low, low prices at Luigi's Pasta Palace!

-Right, Luigi?

-And it tastes like Mama used to make!

Not that it was the most amazing news.

Did you see who Daniel Craig wants to be the new Bond?

Wow!

AS JOHNSON: The name's Johnson. Boris Johnson

I'll have a Martini - befuddled but not discombobulated.

Boris as Bond! Now, that would be amazing!

MUSIC: James Bond Theme

Heave!

Can you get me a rope?

Who wouldn't want to see that?

Not that...

Not that it was the only film to make the news this week.

It is bigger than Bond and hotter than Potter and today,

fans of Star Wars have been given

their final teasing glimpse of the new film.

The new Star Wars trailer went online,

and people went bat-shit!

Some made weird noises...

HE GASPS

Some went full Wookiee...

HE ROARS

And one guy REALLY enjoyed it.

Is it awkward that I have a boner right now?

It is a bit.

Not that everyone was happy with the trailer.

Did you read about this?

What?!

You can't have a black character in Star Wars?!

Lando Calrissian?

Mace Windu?

Darth Vader?!

It's so ridiculous!

"I don't mind a talking robot or a 7ft guinea pig

"or a massive slug,

"but I think a black man in space is a bit far-fetched!"

I mean, look what this idiot wrote.

Stormtroopers aren't real, you racist prick!

Your daughter is never going to shag a stormtrooper.

Same way she's probably not going to have a gangbang with this guy.

It's so moronic. Boycotting a film because of racism is unbelievable,

almost as unbelievable as the cost of a family ticket to World of Otters.

It's fun for all the family.

So, come on down. It's OTTER-ly brilliant!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Elsewhere this week, oh, my God, this is crazy.

Have you seen how we're dealing with lonely pensioners?

Next tonight, a novel way to help lonely Londoners - chickens.

Researchers say that caring for a feathered friend

can help tackle social isolation

among the elderly and improve their wellbeing.

Whose idea was that?! Some crazy farmer?

"You're lonely. Have a chicken.

"You've got depression? What you need is a badger."

# Old Macdonald had a farm

# E-I... #

"Come on, girls, stroke your badgers."

That sounds terrible. No, no.

I didn't mean that, I didn't mean that.

The point... APPLAUSE

The point I'm making...

The point I'm making - it's ridiculous.

Check out this lady's brilliant response.

What did you think when they said you were going to suddenly

going to have chickens in here?

I thought, "Oh, well. Whatever turns them on."

LAUGHTER

How amazing is she?! "Whatever turns them on.

"Got to go, I'm off down Nandos."

Not that it's my favourite pensioner reaction to an animal.

Wow, my friends, wow.

Check out what this amazing man in America did to a bear.

Only on CBS 13 tonight, a story like one you've probably never heard.

A Foothills man came face-to-face with a bear outside his home.

He didn't run, he didn't call Fish and Game,

instead, he wound up and he punched the bear in the face.

He came up like this and he turned. Boom!

I hit him hard.

He punched a bear in the face.

We've got a picture of the beast that he dropped.

Now not only is he hard as nails,

he is also every single shade of crazy.

Carl Moore is not a guy who scares easily.

The man or best that I run from ain't been born,

and its mama is already dead.

I mean, that just doesn't make any sense.

"The beast that I run from hasn't been born.

"His mama is dead and his cousin has got a verruca.

"No, I will not put my tiny dog down."

I love... I love what he reckons the bear did to provoke the fight.

I raised both hands in the air and I cussed at him.

-"Ah, get out, you

-BLEEP!"

He looked at me like, "Go eff yourself."

I don't want to say this man likes a drink,

but he is claiming on national TV

that a bear told him to fuck off.

"You should have seen him. He was outside the window like that.

"Looking at me straight in the eyes."

He is the scariest man in the world.

I mean, how terrified does his dog look?

"Help me, man.

"He hasn't put me down for five years.

"I sent word to the bears to get me out,

"but he punched one of them in the face.

"Last week, he dressed me up in his ex-wife's clothes.

"The other day, I shouldn't be telling you this, but the other day,

"he smeared his balls in peanut butter.

"Now, I hate balls...

"..but I love peanut butter.

"He played me like a fool!"

APPLAUSE

Not that everyone is against animals.

Have you seen what they've done in Japan?

Pissed cats.

Well, that is going to change this advert.

CROAKY: # Like the sweet morning dew

# I took one look at you

# And it was plain to see

# You were my destiny

# With arms open wide

# I threw away my pride... #

MUSIC STOPS

CAT BURPS

Tasty little bastard.

-My guest this week is a performer, writer...

-Biscuit.

..and superhero who happens to have Tourette's.

So there may be some fruity language.

-You may have heard her already, she's wonderful.

-Banana. Melon.

LAUGHTER Have a look at this.

Hi, I'm Jess Thom.

In 2006, I was diagnosed with Tourette's syndrome. Biscuit.

A neurological condition that means I make movements and noises

I can't control, called tics.

In 2010, I co-founded Touretteshero. Biscuit.

An organisation that celebrates

the humour and creativity of the condition.

Our mission... Biscuit. ..is to change the world...

Biscuit. ..one tic at a time.

There are three things... Biscuit. ..you'll need to know straightaway.

Firstly... Biscuit. ..you are going to hear... Biscuit.

..the word "Biscuit" a lot. Secondly... Biscuit.

..much of what I'm about to say will be a surprise to everyone. Biscuit.

Including me. Biscuit.

Finally... Biscuit. ..if I say something funny... Biscuit.

..you're absolutely allowed to laugh. Biscuit.

In fact, it would be a bit weird if you don't.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jess Thom.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much for coming on the show.

-A pleasure to meet you, Jess.

-Hello.

-How are you?

-Happy birthday. Fuck a sheep.

LAUGHTER

Thank you and no thank you.

-So...

-Beans.

-Ask a question about Alan Hansen.

-I will.

Do you want me to ask you a question about Alan Hansen?

-No.

-Cos I was going to ask you - what's it like living Tourette's?

So there's loads of amazing things about living with Tourette's.

Loads of... It gives me access to a spontaneous creativity

that I probably wouldn't be able to access -

things that would never normally sit next to each other

get collided together and create incredible new concepts.

Biscuit. I love peas.

That's not really an incredible new concept.

-Ta-da.

-No, but there is...

-Masonry bits.

LAUGHTER

-But there's something so...

-A Jedi Knight in dungarees.

Yes. The idea of a Jedi in dungarees.

Jedi!

That's just arrived. Everyone at home will be imagining Luke Vader...

Luke Vader? I'm doing it now.

-They'll all be imagining Luke in dungarees.

-Biscuits.

Bean curd.

I've been on your website, which is amazing,

-because actually, we should talk about that...

-Ta-da!

-Yep.

BeanCurd.com.

It isn't BeanCurd.com. But do you want to...?

TaylorSwiftInYourMother'sMind.com.

LAUGHTER Happy with that. Em...

APPLAUSE

I mean, that should be a website.

The idea of my mum, "I can't get Taylor Swift out of my mind."

-Do you want to tell everyone about your website?

-Biscuit. Hedgehog.

Biscuit. Yeah, sorry. It's Touretteshero. Biscuit.

Touretteshero.com.

On it I write every day, so I write a daily blog.

That's been a really amazing way to think about the impact

that Tourette's has on my daily life.

Biscuit. And we also share the things

that I've said as vocal tics. Biscuit.

Almost 6,000 real Tourette's tics,

and we invite other people to come and use them

for their own creativity. Biscuit.

-I've got some of my favourites here.

-Hedgehog! Cat! Ta-da!

-These are...

-Rattlesnake.

-That's not on here.

-Tattletale sheep.

-Neither.

Jeremy Hunt hedgehog.

I'll have a look. No.

Pin. What's your pin number?

LAUGHTER

If I were to tell you my pin number...

-I would tell you mine.

-..you would tell everybody.

Sh!

We spoke earlier and Jess said, "If anything, don't talk about pin numbers."

-But you brought it up.

-I know.

-Alfalfa.

-These are the ones I like.

"God's moving to Watford on Sunday."

I enjoyed that.

"Listen to your inner duck."

-We don't do that often enough.

-Duck!

"Carry a bag, your career is over."

That's excellent.

"The lamppost is impersonating Hitler again."

"There are two dolphins working in a post office

"a little north of Winchester."

I like that.

My personal favourite,

"I fucked a Furby in 1994."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE So it's an absolute sensation.

But...

-What I love... What's so wonderful about it is...

-Biscuit.

..that you're sharing yourself with everyone. You're providing such joy.

-But what is interesting, there's a lot of Russell tics.

-Russell.

-Yeah.

-Russell broke the shower.

-"Russell fell out of a wormhole."

-Wormhole!

"Russell has my periods."

LAUGHTER

Russell. Dungarees.

"Russell gave a spirited performance in bed with my mum."

Russell.

And...

"www.Russell.is.worried.about.his. balls.com ".

I am.

Check a sheepdog out?

-That might fix it.

-Flirty!

-Flirty? Sorry.

-Flirty with a sheepdog.

-I'm not!

Stop flirting with Alan Hansen's mind.

Oh, I love you.

Um...your Siri must be exhausted.

Hey, Siri, butter my toast!

See? That's what I'm getting at. "Oh, God, I'm so tired.

"Oh, Jess, please!"

Barn dance with a microwave.

"I don't know how to make that happen."

Put a daisy chain in your microwave.

-Why the microwave tonight?

-It's a lot of microwave stuff.

I really have had no traumatic experience with microwaves

in the last few minutes.

Do you know the Welsh for microwave?

-Ta-da!

-No.

-Ping!

-It's popty ping.

-Yes!

-It is.

-Very sensible.

The Welsh for iron - smwddio.

And jellyfish - wibbly wobbly.

-And tortoise - get faster!

-Yes.

It isn't, but from now on, it has to be.

Oh, look, there goes one of those get-fasters!

Pilates! Cats! Biscuit. I love cats.

What's been the most joyful and then what's been the most embarrassing?

Biscuit, hedgehog. Biscuit. The most joyful is that... Biscuit.

..I find really unusual things... Biscuit.

..really funny or exciting. Biscuit.

There's a lamppost that I can see from my bedroom window

that I have a very strange relationship with. Biscuit.

Biscuit. You know, my bedroom routine goes like most people.

I brush my teeth, I get into my pyjamas, I get into bed,

I abuse the lamppost until I go to sleep.

-Biscuit.

-Until you go to sleep?

Biscuit. I love lampposts.

Lampposts live off the state.

Lampposts...get a job!

Lampposts!

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

Don't take that shit from the pigeons. Lampposts.

It's the idea that your lamppost's saying "I'm not doing anything!"

Biscuit. But over several years, that ongoing strangeness,

or relationship with an inanimate object, is funny.

-Of course it is.

-Biscuit, yeah. I find a lot of joy in those things.

And details. I know... Biscuit.

..my tics are not things I'm thinking about,

but are a result of having slightly unusual neurology.

And that does feel like a gift. Biscuit.

Now, your brain is naturally putting images together

and creates sort of jokes without even trying.

-Yeah.

-So in many ways, you're really annoying.

-Biscuit.

-Because you are brilliantly funny

and you're not even trying.

Most comedians are like...argh! And you're like, ah, there you go.

That's a witty thing about a lamppost.

But as my friends repeatedly tell me,

I'm not actually that funny.

Well, they're wrong! They are so wrong.

I say something deliberately funny about every six months.

Fortunately for me and for everybody else who's around me,

my tics have a higher hit rate.

-It must be very difficult for you to keep secrets.

-Biscuit.

Yeah, we're coming up to Christmas

and that's like a very difficult time for me

because my natural inclination is to be really organised

and get really thoughtful gifts for the people that I care about.

Biscuit. And my tic's natural reaction

is to tell them straightaway what I've got them.

Oh, no. That's so annoying, isn't it?

Because you're, "Lovely, lovely, lovely!"

I bought you a helicopter and a standing ovation.

Now, that is a Christmas present!

Cos that must be awful because you're saying I got you a helicopter

and a standing ovation and I'm like, "Socks".

Yes, thankfully people know that... Biscuit.

..what I say might or might not be true.

A golden lizard.

Sellotape dispenser.

-What have you got coming up?

-Biscuit.

Well, I'm working on an amazing, exciting project

and also a terrifying project... Biscuit.

..called Live From Television Centre

and we are going to be doing our broadcast from Biscuit Land

on 15 November.

-Biscuit.

-15th of November?

-15th of November on BBC Four.

As part of a night of live theatre.

There's going to be a load of really diverse works.

There's going to be dance, comedy, drama. Biscuit.

And it's people you wouldn't normally see on screen.

-And it's all going to be live. Biscuit.

-I will be watching that.

-Hedgehog.

-And I doubt I'll be alone.

-Ladies and gentlemen, how wonderful was that?

-Biscuit.

The fantastic Jess Thom. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Biscuit.

Check out what this couple in America got arrested for.

Tonight we are learning more about two people who had sex

in the middle of a Norfolk parking lot.

As the couple told News Channel 3's Gabriela da Luca,

they were fuelled by alcohol and spontaneity.

They had sex in a car park.

Whatever turns them on.

They did an interview, and his response is exceptional.

-Is something like this going to happen again?

-No.

I don't know.

Never say never. She's like, "It's never going to happen again!"

"Baby, you know I get freaky when I'm in the car park."

"When I'm parking the Honda, you gon' feel my anaconda.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

One more.

"If I'm driving the Bentley, I'll tap that shit gently."

Sorry. Sorry. I know what you're thinking.

I know what you're thinking. They had sex in a car park.

What kind of car were they in, Russell?

A Ferrari, a limousine?

Someone nearby snapped these photos of the two

and we showed the couple today.

They weren't even in a car!

Just laid on the floor like a couple of randy slugs.

It's everyone's fantasy, isn't it?

"Take me down the NCP and bang me in the gravel."

Apparently local shoppers were horrified.

One poor guy saw everything.

"Dammit, I'm having no luck today!"

Finally tonight, here's a great story I wanted to share with you.

This is the year when we'll celebrate

our 50th wedding anniversary.

When we first started dating,

I used to ride my bike from where I lived to where she was,

and that was about five kilometres, on a Saturday afternoon

because it was the only chance we had to get together.

We had a bike, I used to ride everywhere on my bike

and then Glad had a bike as well

and we put a baby chair on the front of her bike

and so we carried our babies around on the bike with her as well.

Yeah, bike's been part of our lives

and I guess that's something to do with us now.

Around about 2004, 2005,

I began to notice that there were things going wrong.

She was finally diagnosed with the horrible disease of Alzheimer's.

So I had a bike made, a bike chair made.

We'd take it to the beach and ride along beside the beach.

I am determined to care for her every need, every need.

She has done so much for me over all of these years.

Now she can't, but I can, and I can return her love.

And it's a love that, well, to me, means I can do everything for her.

She's my princess, I'm her William.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Would you have it any other way?

-No.

-No, not at all. We love each other.

How sweet is that? Thanks very much for watching Good News.

Goodnight, my friends, goodnight, farewell!