Episode 1 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language

APPLAUSE

Hello!

Welcome to the new series of Good News.

So, what's been happening?

Don't you just love it when somebody realises they're live on the news?

Good morning, John and Randy.

I can tell you I just learned that about 35 people from the...

Over to Sky, see if you can spot the moment this man

had his balls pinched.

Good to talk to you. Thank you for joining us.

-HIGH VOICE:

-Thank you.

Did anyone else see that Bond villain on Question Time?

We should also take...

And finally, check out this genius.

You know, I love the tuba.

It's one of my favourite instruments. Listen to this.

TUBA BLOWS

STATIC CRACKLES

He dropped the microphone down the tuba.

LAUGHTER

What a brass hole.

So, where do we begin? Well, where else?

Last week, Boris Johnson was in Japan representing our nation.

So, how did that go?

Boris Johnson has knocked over a child during a game of street rugby.

He twatted a kid.

Now, the footage is good but the pictures are even better.

If you look closely, I think he planned it all along.

Look at those eyes!

He's picked out his target.

Then he turned into a possessed Humpty Dumpty.

Then he became an orang-utan.

And finally he smashed the kid.

Look at that. That poor kid is like a fly hanging onto a hippo.

Did you see Boris apologise? Oh, my God.

Classic Johnson.

He got up again, very swiftly. He bounced.

In the words of Chumbawamba, you get knocked down, you get up again.

Only Boris would apologise using a song.

Imagine if he becomes prime minister.

What do you think about the obesity crisis, Boris?

"Well, I like big butts and I cannot lie."

So, what else is going on?

Well, it's a fascinating time, politically, in this country.

For starters, we have a new Lib Dem

leader who is brimming with confidence.

We're still rubbish.

David Cameron finally revealed how he felt about pig sex.

There was a moment I thought I'd died and gone to heaven.

And Jeremy Corbyn is the new leader of the Labour Party.

Here's a question, my friends, is it me or is his shadow out of control?

I'm accused of being a 1980s throwback.

I was in this hall in 1984, standing alongside the miners.

It was so lovely - there was a voice over there that went,

"No, that was the sign language bit."

Isn't it...

He's an intriguing figure, Jeremy Corbyn.

Massively popular with young people. I wonder why?

Is it because of his policies on Trident or tuition fees?

Well, not according to Sky News.

The reason young people are flocking to him

is he doesn't wear a suit and he's got a beard.

Thanks, Sky. How patronising is that?

Like young people at home go, "I vote Jeremy cos he's got a beard-beard

"and he smells like jumpers."

The papers were even worse.

They tried to attack Corbyn with the most surreal smear campaign ever.

Look at this.

The Sun made it sound like he's got a roadwork fetish.

And the Telegraph printed a photo of him

looking like an ejaculating ostrich.

Don't ask me how I know what that looks like.

Poor Jeremy was so upset by the media intrusion,

at one point he turned into a turkey.

How parties are elected is a matter for the public in the end...

-But you...

-Hang on, whoa, whoa, whoa!

RUSSELL IMITATES A TURKEY

Now, I feel a bit sorry for Corbyn.

Instead of listening to what he's saying, the media are obsessed

with his clothes.

He does sometimes wear socks and sandals.

Is it true someone lent you that tie?

Some people were saying he was dressed

a bit like Mr Bean on stage today.

He's scruffy. He doesn't wear a tie. Come on!

Cameron appeared on the Travelodge advert with his tits out.

# ..This place has it all. #

Ha-ha! If it isn't his clothes, it's his relationship with the Queen.

His refusal to sing the national anthem at a Battle of Britain

memorial service upset even some within his own shadow cabinet.

Does anyone really care that he doesn't sing the national anthem?

It's a really silly song.

# God save the Queen. #

We're asking an imaginary man to protect a rich old lady.

It's like asking Harry Potter to look after Deborah Meaden.

I think he should sing an anthem about things that matter to him.

Wouldn't that be great?

# God save our NHS

# It really is the best

# Don't let it fail

# We do not need a Queen

# Or nuclear submarines

# I just want to eat baked beans

# With my sweet cat. #

APPLAUSE

It would be all right.

Whatever you think about Corbyn, one thing's for sure,

he's clearly got the Tories rattled.

I mean, did you see Cameron at the conference? He lost it.

My friends, we cannot let that man

inflict his security-threatening, terrorist-sympathising,

Britain-hating ideology on this country we love.

Whoa!

Steady, Travelodge tits.

Mind you, Corbyn's shadow wasn't that fussed.

We cannot let that man inflict his

security-threatening, terrorist-sympathising,

Britain-hating ideology on this country we love.

From politics to a story that has threatened the very

fabric of this nation.

England has become the last part of the UK to introduce

a mandatory charge for the use of plastic bags.

The charges are complicated and likely to anger shoppers.

Supermarkets are braced for chaos.

Even with the best will in the world.

Plastic bag chaos!

How did people react? Some were pro...

I think it's good. I've already cut back myself.

..others didn't really know how plastic bags worked.

This one can be like a thank you.

You give support to us, we give our thanks.

Mind you, putting a bag on your head is nothing.

Have you seen what some people did?

Only in this country. "I've saved 5p by nicking a trolley.

"A trolley that cost a pound."

"Shit!"

But it wasn't just people overreacting.

Check out the Daily Mail's cunning way to defeat this evil scheme.

This man wins my award for best response to that article.

I mean... LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Who knew that phrase existed?

Elsewhere this week, huge, ground-breaking news.

Life in this country is about to change.

Are you ready? Here we go.

It's been a tradition for toddlers and grandparents for years,

but now we're being told to stop throwing bread to ducks.

We need to stop giving ducks Hovis.

Only in this country. Did you see why bread is so evil?

According to the Canal and River Trust, feeding ducks bread

actually does them more harm than good.

It's the equivalent of their junk food.

Bread...

Bread is their junk food - as if they care?

They're ducks, they're not body conscious.

I've never seen a duck get out of the water like this.

"No, look away.

"Hey, move your eyes away, Barry.

"Stop looking at me.

"I'm not pond body ready, come on!"

The other ducks are like that, "Jesus, look at Barbara!

"It's a miracle she can float!"

"You know what they say - if you've had some cake, stay off the lake."

"She's so fat, she lays Easter eggs. Ohh!"

Now, this is... APPLAUSE

This is the strangest bit about this story -

have you seen what we're meant to be feeding them?

Instead, they should be given healthier snacks

like peas, grapes and oats.

Grapes?!

Yeah, that's natural for a duck, innit?

You always see them in vineyards.

HE QUACKS

"I'm getting...

"I'm getting...

"Nothing. I'm a fucking duck."

So, are the British public going to change their duck-feeding ways?

Well, I think this lady puts it best.

Will you be bringing peas and sweetcorn and mashed potato, then?

No.

"Will I bollocks.

"I'll be giving them bread dressed in a bread suit

"and if anyone comes near me,

"I'm going to shoot them with a bread gun.

"Now, if you excuse me, I'm off to steal a shopping trolley."

Not that it is the maddest bread story on the news -

and you don't get to say that often.

This is absolutely insane, right?

Have a look how a priest in America

tried to explain gay sex to some children.

Now...

Now...

..I'm no expert...

but I think he's doing it wrong.

It's ridiculous!

You don't have to spit on a bagel to get it in your ear.

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

There was a lovely slow burn on that joke...

which is exactly what you get if you don't spit.

Now... LAUGHTER

What? What?

What? What?

Now...

It is silly, though, innit?

If you put bagels in your ears, it doesn't make you gay.

It just makes you look like a really weird Princess Leia, just...

"Darth Vader's my dad!"

Not that I'm against all Catholics, right?

Now, you're not going to believe this,

but I've actually got a world exclusive...

I'm going to interview the Pope!

And I'm told... I'm told we're going to go through to him live now.

Hello, Holy Father?

Such an honour to speak with you.

So, America - how was your trip?

-What did you learn most about...

-May I ask,

of you to sing a song for me?

I... I can do... Um...

What song do you want me to sing?

Valerie.

You want me to sing Valerie?

OK...

# Well, sometimes I go out by myself

# And I look across the water... #

Go on, go on!

OK.

# ..And I think of all the things that you're doing

# And in my head I paint a picture

# Won't you come on over?

# Stop making a fool out of me

# Why won't you come on over...? #

Valerie.

Waheyyy! That was amazing!

Did you like that?

Muchas gracias, Alexandra.

It's Russell. Can...

Can you get a translator? I can't really understand what you're saying.

-TRANSLATOR:

-'I'll tell you one thing,

'You're a brave woman.'

Well, since we're having a laugh, did you read about this?

Ohhh! Ohh, yeah!

No, it was a joke about...

The priest said it was about anal sex.

I wasn't...

Where's he gone? He's gone... What...?

HE SIGHS

APPLAUSE

Now, the big health news

was the junior doctors marching in Westminster.

Junior doctors came in their thousands,

furious over threats by the government

to impose a new contract.

Save our NHS! Save our NHS!

They fear that their pay will be cut

and they'll be forced to work longer hours, putting patients at risk.

I'm not surprised junior doctors are pissed off -

they're amazing, selfless human beings

that work ridiculous hours, saving lives

and what do they get for their trouble?

Less than 23 grand -

and what pisses me off even more, earlier this year...

MPs got a 10% pay rise to 74 grand!

Why are they being rewarded?

Especially when our bell-end of a health secretary

says stuff like this...

They already do!

No-one has ever gone to A&E on a Sunday,

"Oh, I'm having a heart attack!"

Some caretaker, "Er, can you come back Monday?

"They've all gone paintballing."

I tell you what else pisses me off - the papers,

their shrieking headlines constantly demonising the NHS.

"Doctors earn 100 grand a year!"

"A nurse ate my baby!"

"Surgeons replaced my feet with coconuts

"and now I sound like a horse!"

The NHS...

The NHS is an amazing thing.

You never read about the good things it does -

liver transplant, free. Heart bypass, free.

Nothing's free in this country!

It costs you 20p if you want to have a shit in a train station!

The NHS is wonderful! I mean, who else...

CROWD CHEERS

Who else...

Who else but the NHS would provide this service?

For free!

For free!

Not only are they saving lives,

they're also helping out a woman who decided to play Jurassic Pork.

And what makes Jeremy Hunt's comments even more galling

is stories like this...

If I was a doctor, I'd have some fun.

I'd give them VIP services - comfy sofa, bit of anaesthetic -

get them all blissed out before their operation

and then, just as they're dozing off,

I'd dress up as Harold Shipman.

"Nobody will hear your screams!"

"Oi, Dave, pass me that dinosaur."

"You're going home, mega-sore-arse."

HE SINGS JURASSIC PARK THEME

What I'm trying to say is, junior doctors need our help.

Jeremy Hunt is asking them to work longer hours for less money,

and it doesn't take a genius to work out

that tired doctors are going to make mistakes.

You can't gamble with people's lives.

If Hunt has his way, he's going to turn

the National Health Service into the National Lottery -

and if the Tories keep making cuts,

pretty soon all our hospitals will look like this...

Doctor?

Hello.

I'm here for my anaesthetic.

I'm afraid this is it.

Now, my guest tonight is a woman with an incredible story,

who is nothing short of an inspiration.

"You have cancer."

Three words that changed my world forever.

I was 23 and after a late diagnosis,

I stared a hairless and boobless life in the face.

I've worked tirelessly for five years

trying to save the lives of others.

I can't be cured, but I need to keep working to make sure others can.

I know the drugs can stop working at any time.

Until then, I've got a lot of living to do.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Kris Hallenga!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello, how are you, Kris?

-Hello.

-Thank you very much for coming on the show.

-Thanks for having me!

Pleasure.

-You're a Boob Champ.

-Thank you very much.

A Boob... What's that, Boob Champ?

Does this give me, sort of, special license to, er...?

It's better than a Blue Peter badge,

but it won't get you free entry into everything.

Does it allow me to, sort of, do things to boobs?

Only with permission.

Only with permission. That's fine, that's fine.

Excellent answer, but I would expect nothing less than...

Woman of the Year! Did you know that?

Kris was recently voted Woman of the Year.

CHEERING

-Pretty exciting.

-Yeah.

Do you find yourself looking at these ladies thinking,

"You're not as good as me"?

Definitely not. If anything,

I feel really awkward about the whole thing.

You're possibly the most selfless lady I've ever...

I saw your documentary.

I don't know if you've seen Kris' documentary - it's unbelievable -

but the moment that you were diagnosed,

which is just heartbreaking,

-the biggest worry for you was telling your twin sister.

-Yes.

It's just unbelievable.

Which you wouldn't understand unless you have a twin.

-I know that your brother and sister are twins, aren't they?

-They are.

So, they'd probably understand,

but it's like no other relationship that you have...

-Yeah.

-..and...yeah, breaking it to her was the hardest.

Most people, in that situation, would think about themselves -

you know, completely understandably -

but the fact that you put her before you is kind of beautiful.

-Thanks!

-It is - no, but it is.

-I was watching it, I was crying my eyes out...

-I...

..I'm, sort of, sat there, thinking, "I've got to meet this lady

"and she's ridiculously selfless.

"I don't know how I'm going to be funny around her."

If anything, it's great to talk about cancer in a comedy environment.

It's refreshing. I mean, I get to talk about boobs all the time

-and it's great...

-Well, so do I!

-So, it's great.

-I noticed you've got...

-A glittery turd.

-A glittery turd. What's that?

It's an award that my twin sister gave me.

It's a special recognition award, Ultimate Turd Glittering.

Let me have a look at that, it's really sweet.

-Special recognition...

-She polished that herself and everything.

-So, I...

-LAUGHTER

It's worryingly warm, that's what I'd say.

She laid one out just before.

We really like the saying,

"You can't polish a turd, but you can roll it in glitter."

Because I would never deny that having cancer

is absolutely rubbish, but we get to do

some really cool stuff because of it.

That's the amazing thing, because, basically, were you nine months

into your diagnosis when you thought you'd start a charity?

-One month actually.

-One month?

-Yes.

-That's incredible.

Yes, it's just after I started chemotherapy

and I was thinking long and hard

about why no-one ever told me to check my boobs

and why I never had that conversation with my friends.

And I realised that actually no-one was educating about it in schools

and none of the breast cancer charities were educating young people.

That's the thrust of it, isn't it? You want young people to check

themselves, because they don't think it could happen to them.

Yeah. That was really important at that time, to think, actually,

I got breast cancer, I can do something about it,

I should have been told.

And yeah, my breast cancer was found really late - at stage 4,

by the time it was found.

I'm bloody lucky to still be here, but I think the reason I'm here

is because I've still got lots to do with Coppafeel.

Do you get much contact with people who say you've saved their life?

-It must be amazing.

-Yes, very special.

Yes, when someone says, "Because of you, I checked my boobs

"and I've been diagnosed with early stage breast cancer," yes, awesome.

And the first time we got one of those e-mails was in 2010,

so it was not longer after I was diagnosed

and I thought, "Holy shit! What we're actually doing makes sense."

-Totally.

-And we need to keep doing this.

-And so, I have been doing it for six years.

-Exactly.

APPLAUSE

Now, we've got some of your accoutrements here. What's this?

Just because everyone needs a bosom for a pillow.

Oh, nice. I thought it was going to be Breastafarian.

-We have that at Boob HQ.

-Where's that?

-In Bermondsey, in London.

-Nice.

These are absolutely fascinating, these, because these are boobs,

but it's just kind of...

Don't you think there's something quite tender...

-Yes, but we actually use them as dodgeballs.

-Dodgeballs?

-Yes.

Just imagine a slow-motion one of these wanging you across the face.

-Shall we make that a reality?

-Go on, throw it.

-No, I can't.

-Go on, properly do it.

-Oh, no! I'm going to miss.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What was so beautiful about that is you went, "Oh, I'm going to miss,"

and then, threw it harder than anyone has ever thrown anything.

So, how do I check myself?

-Because don't 400 men get...?

-Yes, 400 men are diagnosed every year.

It's about getting to know what's normal for you,

so you have to have a good look and a good feel regularly,

so you'd notice if something wasn't right.

And whenever I do talks and stuff,

I just grab my boobs immediately, it's an automatic reaction.

Ladies do this, you grab your boobs

and you see ladies grab each other's boobs,

-it's a laugh and it's wonderful.

-All the time.

No, but we've seen videos of you grabbing each other.

If it was a testicular cancer charity, no bloke would ever...

-There'd be a fight!

-I think you should start it.

I'm so envious that you are so at home and you touch each other.

Men can't do that, men can't touch each other.

It's not just that you can't touch each other, it's because

you're really crap at talking to each other about stuff like that.

-MAN:

-Yeah!

Apart from that guy. He loves it.

Now, I've got a thing here.

You know you wanted to see a slow-mo of a boob being thrown in my face?

-Apparently, we have one. Let's have a look.

-Amazing.

There you go. Wow.

Oh, shit! Fucking hell, I really...

That freaked the fuck out of me. I was like, "Oh, it's me!"

I'm like, "I'm on telly!"

-That was the highlight of your career.

-Absolutely.

I really enjoyed that. Thank you for coming on the show.

Ladies and gentlemen, the wonderful Kris Hallenga!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Next up, check out what kids in Australia are doing.

Children as young as three could learn cage fighting

in a new UFC gym to be built in Richmond.

Cage fighting toddlers?!

How terrifying would that playground be!

# Row, row, row your boat Gently down the stream

# I'll chase you down and fuck you up and cut you till you scream. #

It's such a...

ridiculous thought.

You can't get children to fight.

You put a three-year-old in a cage, he'll pretend to be a chicken.

Christ, what does the Aussie version of CBeebies look like?

-Hello.

-Hi, Peppa.

Sorry I'm late. I was at my self-defence class.

-ALL:

-Ooh!

-What did you learn, Peppa?

-I'll show you.

-Aaargh!

-Oww!

I'm jumping in a bloody puddle!

Peppa, you never returned my calls.

Come here, little piggy.

Aaargh!

My final story tonight is about a magical lady from Hull.

I'm Jean Bishop. I'm 91 years old and I'm from Hull.

I'm known as the Bee Lady.

Oh, I'm a bee, yes. A buzzing bee.

'I dress up as a bee and go out and collect the money for Age UK.'

Thank you very much.

'I love the people. They're so friendly to me.

'Everybody, they hug me and kiss me -

'you can't describe it, it's wonderful.'

-Thank you. How are you?

-Fine, thanks.

-That makes two of us.

'I really love it.'

Oh, you are kind.

'I try and keep young inside myself.

'There's such a lot of things I want to do.

'I'm looking forward to still carrying on doing

'my collecting for as long as I can.

'There's nothing going to stop me because I've got £100,000.

'I want to get my next £100,000.

'I think it's everything if you love everybody.

'You feel more cheerful and happy.'

How incredible is she?! Ahh!

People like that make the world go round.

Thanks very much for watching Good News.

Goodnight, my friends. Farewell, goodnight.