Best Bits Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

Hello.

Hello. Hello.

Hello and welcome to my compilation show.

This is where I get a chance to show you my best bits as well as some previously unseen material.

Best bits sounds like I'm going to show you my nipples

and stuff like that. I won't. But I really hope you enjoy it.

Did you see Bill Clinton talking about his penis surgery?

I have to admit I am stunned by the results.

There was an 88% reduction.

LAUGHTER

Why the reduction, Jeremy?

Literally shagged out, I suppose.

I tell you what, it is easy to get lost in the White House.

Tonight, after nearly 100 years of talk and frustration...

Oh.

What a week he's had.

Passes the healthcare bill, reduces nuclear weapons - well done, Obama.

Sorry.

Mr Long-Legged-Mad-Daddy.

So, the election campaign has finally kicked off.

I tell you, people will do anything to get out of talking about it.

-REPORTER:

-Who do you trust to get a bit more out of the public sector

when there's not so much money around - Labour or the Tories?

Oh, Labour. Oh, here's our bus, we've been waiting half an hour.

Did anyone see Adam Boulton's Jedward joke?

It absolutely died.

I don't think any of the leaders would necessarily want to be

compared to the Jedwards?

If you are watching tonight...

I don't know what's been going on.

The reporters have been in a funny mood. If you look closely,

Dermot Murnaghan appears to be giving someone to his left a hand job.

Britain's entire airspace shut down for the first time in living memory.

To be honest, everyone does that on telly - right, mate?

All right, Steve!

Last week, TV history was made.

It is the first time in a British election campaign

that the contenders for the post of Prime Minister

have agreed to a televised debate.

Did you watch it? Was it me?

Or were Cameron and Clegg having a battle to see who was the most widely travelled?

I was in Plymouth recently.

I met a young man in London...

I went to a Hull police station the other day.

I was in a...hospital.

I have been to Afghanistan.

-I was in Burnley.

-China.

-Sweden.

-Crosby.

-Canada.

-Iran.

-Australia.

I even went to a drug rehab.

I went to a rehab clinic - deal with that!

And when they weren't doing that, they were just doodling.

3,000 more police officers on the streets.

The risk to the economy is Labour's proposal of a jobs tax.

I think we should all be so used to tough talk from different parties...

We have their note pads. This is Gordon Brown's.

LAUGHTER

Cameron was just fantasising.

LAUGHTER

And Clegg, well, he was just drawing himself.

LAUGHTER

Now, I'm going to have to swallow humble pie.

For the past two weeks I have been taking the mickey

and he's come from nowhere to be a major part of the election.

In fact, some papers are calling him the British Barack Obama.

Sorry.

Mr Long-Legged-Cleggy-Weggy.

Do you know who I feel sorry for, the people who have to judge it.

Each person was given an electronic voting pad

with keys numbered 1 to 5.

They pressed 5 if they loved what they heard and 1 if they hated it.

And the result as you can see is this on-screen worm.

They lock people in a room and make them twist dials. You'd get so bored.

If I had the dials, the worm would look like this.

I ask people throughout society to take responsibility

but you can't run the Health Service on a DIY principle.

You've got to finance it properly. I just ask you...

LAUGHTER COVERS SPEECH

You have a culture of jobs for life. Hundreds of MPs

from the Conservative Party to the Labour Party,

to old parties who basically know

that all they need to do every four or five years is get the vote...

The debate itself was quite dry.

Although at one stage, Cameron got really pervy.

We need to grip it very, very hard.

Do you like to grip it hard?

You are damn right I do!

LAUGHTER

Gordon, he had no time for such filth.

He was too busy pretending to be David Gray.

# Let go your heart Let go your head

# Babylon. #

Brown struggled in the debate. Do you know why?

Because he smiled.

His smile is so unnatural, every time he does it, a fairy dies.

They are not ready for Government - they have not thought through their policies.

But it's up to the people to decide and it's your decision.

Argh!

Why?!

Why?!

In Ohio there have been reports of bears in people's gardens.

The black bear was roaming through Tina's backyard.

The operator said, "What is your emergency?"

I said, "You won't believe this. But they are in my woods"

She said, "A black bear."

The best thing about this story is how they convey

the sheer terror of seeing a black bear in your garden.

This identifies how witnesses say the bear escaped into the woods.

APPLAUSE

It's unbelievable, isn't it?

He can even climb trees.

Black bears can be on the ground or can climb in trees.

This is so brilliantly shit.

Mind you, it isn't just in America that animals have gone wild.

Even here in Britain we are under siege.

It sort of jumps up at people and tries to peck them.

Chasing people with dogs if they're walking along the street.

It goes for you with its beak and its claws.

Oh, my God.

What kind of beast is this?

For weeks, a rogue pheasant has been terrorising the people of Newsham.

Terrorising? What is he doing - throwing his eggs at them?

"You looking at my plumage, bender?"

It just kept coming back at me and pecking at me.

It took a bite out of this leg.

"He had a knife, he had a knife!

"He was probably on drugs. Wacky backy!"

I shouldn't joke. I saw one in my garden last week.

What's been happening here in the UK?

A policeman has stolen a Henry Hoover during a drugs bust.

I can't wait to see this on Crimewatch, just a blacked-out Henry.

"It was awful.

"He made me have a threesome with a Dyson!"

Maybe the copper was trying to rescue Henry

from the squalor of a drugs den.

Then again, maybe Henry loved it.

# I was gonna clean my room Until I got high

# Because I got high Because I got high... #

Now, this next story is my favourite of the week.

It is actually unbelievable.

Leprechauns in Northern Ireland are granted heritage status by Europe.

Plants, wild animals and leprechauns - ie little people -

are protected in this area.

Protected leprechauns!

Are the leprechauns going, "You touch me and you'll be in jail"?!

"Nobody wants to be in prison for touching a little person."

Apparently, the leprechauns are celebrating by going to Alton Towers.

But they can't go on any of the rides!

You can probably pick out lots of families coming back down

from these Cooley Mountains, just above Carlingford to my left.

They have been in the National Leprechaun Hunt.

What?

Why, are they like foxes?

Posh people go, "You should hear them shagging against my bins!

"It's all bejesus and begorrah and feck and potato

"and Guinness and Dara O'Briain."

Let's be honest, that is one hunt you'd kill to go on.

You could capture them by using the ginger one from Girls Aloud as bait.

"This way, my tiny pretties."

# Round, round, baby Round, round... #

That's my impression of... That's the Sugababes!

One second, what do they sing?

Sound Of The Underground.

# It's the sound of the underground... #

And you have captured some leprechauns.

How are they going to show a leprechaun on the news?

Adam Boulton hates his cameraman.

See that man there, he is a real A-hole!

Why is Peter Mandelson so pleased with his new secretary?

Much tighter. Much, much tighter.

I love the Grand National.

It is one of the few days in the year when you get to feel like a real man.

I'm going down the bookies to put some money on a horse!

Then I'm going to come back and make you pregnant, that's right.

You are dealing with a real man!

Then you get into the bookies and it is terrifying, isn't it?

Huge men, made to look even bigger because they are holding tiny pens.

LAUGHTER

The pens are, like, "I should be working in Argos!"

It is terrifying. You are surrounded by these Goliaths.

You try and put on a manly voice, but all that topples out of your mouth...

SQUEAKY VOICE: "Good day, Sir!

"I'm here to put some money on a horsey-worsey."

"Do you want it each-way?"

"Oh! Do the horses come back?"

Now, did you see Ladies' Day?

You have never seen so much fake tan in your life.

Look at that.

No wonder the horses wear blinkers.

I bet the jockeys are like that,

"Don't look lad, it's like Morph in a boob tube!"

Talking of the jockeys, could anybody understand a word they said?

Took a bit of a chance...

INDISTINCT

Eh?

The novices have been to Cheltenham and Sizing Europe wasn't coming...

INDISTINCT

No idea.

I think this next one is on heat.

How does it make you feel thinking you have got a chance?

Hopefully, it will be better than sex.

You heard him!

He said...sor-de-bor-de-da...

De-jeb-edee-bo-ba...

For me, let's be honest, the best thing about the National is when you see a horse riding on its own.

Vic Venturi, Comply Or Die...

LAUGHTER

I love that bit. Just imagine them at the end.

"I've won! I've won!

"Tony?

"Tony?

"Tony!"

"I knew we should have used Sellotape!

"Anybody seen Tony?!"

I tell you what, I am glad I didn't go to THIS school.

School-children between 10 and 14 years were forced to walk on

broken glass pieces and burning coal.

All this was done with the school administration's permission.

The aim was a scientific experiment to boost self-confidence

amongst the children.

They are making kids walk on broken glass and hot coals to boost their confidence!

That'll work(!)

SOBBING: "I'm a confident little man."

Poor sod.

Then again maybe the kids loved it.

Before they walked on the coals, they popped beefburgers under their feet.

Although it is India, so I doubt they were beef.

Imagine the cows in the field?

ENGLISH ACCENT: "Smells like somebody's burning us.

"I thought we were sacred!" The other cow would be like,

INDIAN ACCENT: "Why are you speaking in that accent?"

This story is a bit safer because I was on telly and people normally get freaked out.

"Never sell your culture down the river!"

"There's nothing wrong with me, I'm doing the voice.

"Nobody finds this awkward at all, do you?"

ENGLISH ACCENT: "You sound a little bit Welsh?"

"No, I don't sound Welsh.

"I'm an Indian cow and there is no problem with that."

"Why are your hands like that?"

"I don't know why my hands -

"just finish the joke and get out of my face."

Now, did you see this?

A female motorist has had an amazing escape after her car became attached to a truck's bumper.

It was unbelievable. Did you see the mobile phone footage?

This was the A1 in Yorkshire. Incredibly, nobody was hurt.

Even more incredibly, I have got footage from inside the lorry.

MUSIC BLARES

LAUGHTER

I joke, of course. There's been loads of bizarre stories this week.

Have you seen what the National Trust have been up to?

So proud are they of their fresh air here at the Stourhead Estate

in Wiltshire, the National Trust has gathered hundreds of jars of the stuff and taken it up to London

to impress the stressed-out city population.

They are giving away jars of country air to stressed city workers.

I'd love to see that.

Country air.

Mmm.

Incest!

Mmm.

Casual racism!

Mmm!

(Dogging!)

Have you seen the experts discussing it?

If you look closely, she might be sniffing her hair.

You can smell spring and summer coming through in the air and it is just a very peaceful place.

How can you relieve stress with a jar of air?

-HE CACKLES

-I know, I booked it, Prague, Prague!

It will be mental, mate.

Mental, mental, chicken oriental.

Don't talk to...

It's refreshing to hear a positive food story.

Usually when you go through the papers there's things like

"Bacon will kill you", "If you drink red wine, you will die",

"Chips will rape your dog!"

The Daily Mail is the worst. Every day, there is a different fear-mongering story.

Have you seen how many things they genuinely claim could lead to cancer?

It is absolutely ridiculous.

-So, what else has been going down?

-The Duchess of Cornwall

is recovering after breaking her left leg while out hillwalking

-in Scotland.

-Don't laugh. LAUGHTER

Poor Camilla has broken her leg. We have got footage

of her being airlifted to safety.

LAUGHTER

Wow, did you hear about this church in America?

A religious controversy is swirling around a church.

Some say a giant painting of Christ hanging in the sanctuary

of St Charles Borromeo Catholic Church is obscene.

Check out their rage.

I feel that it is blasphemy against the Holy Spirit.

I feel that it is pornographic.

So, why exactly are they getting so worked up?

Some worshippers there say the painting merely depicts Christ with muscles in his abdomen.

Others see something different.

Christ's genitalia are obviously very exposed.

They are saying it is his stomach muscles.

If you have muscles like that, you would never leave the gym.

I tell you what, that would change the prayers - in the name of the Father, the Son

and the...Holy Shit! It will definitely change the musical.

# Jesus Christ, circumcise A dick from his hips

# Stretching to his eyes. #

No wonder he hung out with the disciples. If he had a dick that big,

he would need 12 men to carry it.

"Lads, this is not going in the book, right?

"No point where we carry a dick. Judas, I'm looking at you."

Can we look at the photo again? Do you know who I feel sorry for?

Those two blokes. Just there for eternity looking at his rod.

Did you see Adam Boulton boasting on Sky News?

Less excitably, ordinary voters...

To be honest, he probably didn't know it was there,

producers are always doing that.

Something in my teeth?

Now, bad news for Danish alcoholics.

A strike has ended in the Carlsberg Brewery in Denmark.

The workers are trying to protect a time-honoured tradition - get this -

to be able to drink beer while working!

This is right. Workers are striking because they are no longer allowed

to get pissed at work.

Wouldn't you love to see that strike? "What do we want?" "Er..."

"When do we want it?" "I love you."

Apparently, everyone in the factory was drinking.

Line workers, shift workers, cleaners. Even Hoovers were at it.

You should have seen him the morning after.

AUDIENCE: Ugh!

There's a new craze in America for dogs.

We have all heard of yoga but what about doga?

The pooch-friendly craze is the latest fad

sweeping the Zen-seeking dog-lovers world.

That's right, it's dog yoga. Ridiculous!

Nobody wants to see their dog like this.

LAUGHTER

Dogs don't need yoga to relax. Now, here's my dog.

That's me and Arch, right? AUDIENCE: Aww!

Don't "aww" - that beast! Do you know that the beast does to relax?

He shags my shoes, right?

And the creepiest thing is, he watches me while he does it.

He doesn't concentrate on the shoes, he looks up.

I'm trying to watch the telly, he's like...

"Go in the hall!" "No..."

"You like an audience. I like an audience."

Honestly, he can't get enough of shoes. If I took him to a Foot Locker

he'd probably rip his cock off.

The other day I had to hurry him past a mosque.

LAUGHTER

Imagine explaining that! "All right, guys? Having a good day?"

And he's balls deep in their sandals.

You think dog yoga is weird, look at this.

They're now making canine anti-depressants.

Exactly why? Are dogs ringing the Samaritans?

"Hello..."

WHINES LIKE A DOG

The other day I barely had the energy to lick my own balls.

Dogs don't need Prozac. They're naturally optimistic.

They hang out with the homeless and they fucking love it.

You've seen them - "this is brilliant!

"This is living! Boys on tour!"

"Boys on tour! Look! A shoe, a shoe!"

You would never ever see a tramp with a cat. Can you imagine?

"Well I think I can safely say you fucked up both our lives."

Mr Tiddles... "Don't you Mr Tiddles me!

"My mother warned me about you.

"If you want me, I'll be burying my turds."

Now, this is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.

There's a mystery guest who's been in the news and I have to figure out

who that person is. So please welcome our mystery guest.

APPLAUSE

-Hey Russell, how are you?

-I'm very well.

-All the better for meeting you.

-Take a seat.

It feels like a slightly creepy Narnia at the minute.

-It's all right, I'm not an evil witch.

-I'm not saying you're an evil bitch at all.

-No, witch!

-Witch. I didn't say that either.

LAUGHTER

Don't take this wrong, but instantly I'm thinking cider.

-Kind of.

-Yeah, cos cider's been in the news and you look...

-Are you trying to say I'm a pisshead?

-No, I'm not saying that.

You look like you've got a tattoo there.

I've had experiences with a tattooed lady before.

-Is it to do with the art world at all?

-Slightly.

-I could give you a little clue.

-Go on.

-"I'll be back,"

-by Arnold Schwarzenegger.

-You'll be back?

-Mm.

You must be the worst Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonator ever!

Can you stop sitting like that cos I can't stop looking at your nuts.

Is that all right? Let's just cover them bad boys up.

Look at this, it looks a bit like Bill and Ben gone sexy!

Want to know why I've been in the news?

I'd love to know why you've been in the news this week.

-Oi, oi!

-WOLF WHISTLES

Why I've been in the news this week is because I'm 75 years old.

I'm going to be the oldest wrestler ever to wrestle.

-And it's going in the Guinness Book Of Records.

-Fantastic.

-Do you want to be the referee?

-I'd love to.

-Who you fighting?

-Johnny Saint.

-Aww, he's good.

-Have you heard of him?

-I haven't but I've seen him on the bus.

What are you frightened of?

Johnny Saint and you.

Can I be in your corner? I'd like that. That'd be fun, man.

Bit of water, Werthers, bit of water, Werthers.

Don't, don't, don't!

So what brings you to England? It's something to do with buildings?

You don't see anything, something on the news?

-Well...

-You're not watching the news?

-I am watching a lot of it.

-You hate TV, right?

-I love TV.

-You hate it.

-I hate TV(!)

Come on, you would know why I was on the news last week.

-I didn't see, you know, I didn't.

-Fuck.

LAUGHTER

Oh, that's very nice!

Oh!

Oh, you sexy little bastard!

Oh!

Oh! Oh! If I was a woman I'd bang you right now!

LAUGHTER

Ooh! Struggling!

Oh! Wouldn't like to be you right now!

Come on! Be fair!

Fair enough.

GIGGLING

Oh...!

-Who are you?

-Because I'm only one female darts player

-competing against men.

-Fantastic! You made that sound grand

like man in general!

So why are you in the news this week in particular? What do you do?

Because I did climb GDF in Paris, six days ago.

It's the third tallest building in Paris.

Well, in France.

I'm the world's top freestyle footballer.

I was in the Metro, I had an article on me about what I've done,

what I've achieved, where I've been and my plans for the future.

That is wonderful. It's a pleasure to meet you. Indeed, that was a whoop.

Ladies and gentleman, please give it up for my mystery guest!

We've had some bizarre explanations for the recession.

Have you heard the latest? Apparently it's all down to porn.

A new report obtained by ABC News reveals that some top government

officials responsible for policing Wall Street have a staggering

obsession with pornography, spending hour after hour surfing porn sites

on their government computers.

They said the bankers were blind not to see the recession.

And now we know why.

I've figured out how to stop this.

We've reconfigured their laptops so that every time they look at porn

this happens. SIREN BLARES

I was on Google.

Apparently everyone in the office was looking at porn.

The accountants, the CEOs, the cleaners. Even the Hoovers.

LAUGHTER

WOMAN GROANING

AUDIENCE: Ugh! LAUGHTER

Filthy red little bastard!

Thanks so much for watching my series and join me next time.

Take care, see ya.

APPLAUSE