Episode 7 Russell Howard's Good News

THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you very much indeed. Oh, it's lovely.

Thank you. Thank you.

Silence, silence, silence.

Hello, and welcome to Good News.

Every week, I'll be going from door-to-door to find stories to make you laugh.

So, what have we learned this week?

Adam Boulton hates his cameraman.

See that man there? He's a real A-hole.

Have you seen John Desborough's impression of Johnny Vegas in a bakery?

Cheesecake.

LAUGHTER

Cheesecake.

So, why is Peter Mandelson so pleased with his new secretary?

Much tighter. Much, much tighter.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, the election night is finally here.

The last few weeks have been full of drama.

Gordon Brown revealed his ultimate fantasy.

Angels dressed in nurses' uniforms.

LAUGHTER

Cameron bored a kid in a blue shirt.

We recognise that we've got to do more to mend our broken society

and build a stronger society in the poorest parts of our country...

LAUGHTER

Nick Clegg discussed the drawbacks of his massive penis.

I've had single mothers in tears in my office in Sheffield.

So, the campaign is finally over.

I tell you what, Gordon Brown's had a tough week.

Gordon Brown has been caught on a microphone

calling a voter who confronted him in Rochdale a bigot.

This has had a catastrophic effect on his campaign.

The poor man had to go around to her house and apologise.

Then, when he got there, amazingly, he left his mic on again.

I don't know if you know this, we've actually got audio of what happened inside the house.

The Prime Minister is now turning up at Mrs Duffy's house.

-Hello, Mr Brown.

-GUNSHOTS

She has accepted that there was a misunderstanding

and she's accepted my apology.

We just don't know what happened.

He's just had a tough week. Then, after all that, look who had a pop at him.

Gordon Brown, he just looks like a corpse.

Louis Spence!

To be honest, he's entitled to his opinion.

The man is obsessed with politics.

I've never voted in my life.

LAUGHTER

Never voted. And yet they had him on a politics show.

Did you see the advice he gave for the leaders' debate?

You enter, maybe, something like this.

I don't know - all three of you.

Hi, we're here, we've come to run your country. Six, seven, eight.

LAUGHTER

Imagine Gordon Brown - "Hello, I'm here, I'm here to run...

"I'm in pain. I'm in real pain."

He also told them how to use their face.

The face has a thousand expressions.

Look, here's just a few. Sadness.

Joy. Anger.

Confusion.

LAUGHTER

The debate itself was quite dry.

Although, at one stage, Cameron got really pervy.

And we need to grip it very, very hard.

LAUGHTER

Do you like to grip it hard?

You're damn right I do. LAUGHTER

Gordon, he had no time for such filth.

He was too busy pretending to be David Gray.

MUSIC: "Babylon" by David Gray

Brown struggled in the debate.

Do you know why? Because he smiled.

His smile is so unnatural, every time he does it, a fairy dies.

They are not ready for government. They have not thought through their policies.

LAUGHTER

But it's up to the people to decide and it's your decision.

SCREAMING

Why?

Why?

LAUGHTER

All right.

I know I shouldn't be laughing, but I thought that was very funny.

Now...

It wasn't just Brown who had a tough week.

The media tried to attack Nick Clegg. Sorry.

Mr Long-legged Cleggy Weggy. LAUGHTER

The Daily Telegraph printed some of Clegg's teenage poetry.

He reacted like a 14-year-old.

That is so unfair.

Unfair.

They said his poetry was awful. I've read it. It wasn't that bad.

It was nothing compared to a kid at my school who wrote a poem about a cat he'd killed.

It was pretty funny, though.

"Miaow, miaow, went the cat.

-"BANG went my hammer."

-LAUGHTER

That was some nativity play.

I felt a bit sorry for Clegg.

We've all made mistakes at school. At least he didn't have this haircut.

LAUGHTER

You didn't have to keep it up that that long, did you?

Talking of hair, Cameron spent a lot of time preening himself.

He should be more like his wife. She doesn't care what her hair looks like.

LAUGHTER

It's been a long, hard election campaign for Clegg, Brown and Cameron.

Whoever wins, whoever loses, they should know there's always something they can fall back on.

# I used to be the main express

# All steam and whistles heading west

# Picking up my pain from door to door

# Riding on the storyline

# Furnace burning overtime

# But this train don't stop

# This train don't stop

# This train don't stop there anymore. #

Now, there's a huge summer of football ahead of us.

Some people think they have the solution to the perfect football song.

Academics in Sussex have been using cutting edge science

to create the perfect song for fans.

They were searching for the ultimate word that would inspire players and came up with this.

Kabanga, kabanga, kabanga, kabanga, kabanga.

So, kabanga came up trumps in the science lab.

Will it actually work in the football stands?

No.

LAUGHTER

Kabanga sounds like something an ewok would shout if you flicked him in the nuts.

LAUGHTER

Not that you would. Why would you do that?

Besides, do you know what kabanga is? It's a small town in Tanzania.

That's the equivalent of Africans chanting, "Basingstoke!

"Basingstoke!" You can't make chants using science.

The best chants just evolve. They're a little bit nasty and they're very funny.

Man United sing this to Korean international, Park Ji-Sung.

They sing, "Park, Park, wherever you may be.

"You eat dogs in your own country.

"It could be worse, you could be Scouse, eating rats in your council house."

LAUGHTER

To their own player.

That's a chant, not, "Kabanga!"

When a team is playing at Norwich, this is what they sing at their fans, "Your sister is your mother,

"your uncle is your brother,

"you all fuck one another, the Norwich family." Duh-duh-duh-duh. Hey!

England fans shouldn't shout kabanga. They should shout this.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Whatever people chant, the World Cup is going to be amazing.

There's nothing better than seeing a goal so brilliant that everyone watching is amazed.

When I say everyone, I mean everyone.

Oooh, what a goal!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Can you believe it?!

Now, have you seen the latest art project in Manchester?

Spencer Tunick is an American artist well known for his nude photo shoots.

Spencer's been capturing the everyday crowds of Manchester,

with one small difference.

His models are naked.

He takes a photo of hundreds of naked people, he's an artist.

I take a photo of one girl from a hedge.

All of a sudden, I'm a weirdo.

LAUGHTER

What I want to know is, why are nudists always the last people you want to see naked?

It's never some gorgeous young woman shaped like an hour glass.

It's some old troll who looks like someone stapled a minge on a sausage roll.

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

"Do you like it?" "NO!"

Greggs has gone bad.

This isn't the first time that Spencer Tunick has done this.

He did the same thing in Sydney earlier this year and the Aussies loved it.

Awesome to see, you know? Pregnant women out here,

people with their babies.

The babies were awesome.

Natural and human. It was great.

"It was amazing, just incredible. It's just one of those moments you'll never ever forget."

-Manchester, very different.

-I was freezing.

"I were bloody freezing.

"I looked down and I thought I had three balls.

LAUGHTER

"I had to sit in the bath and try and coax the bastard back to life."

LAUGHTER

"I had a hairdryer. He looked like a terrified shrew."

LAUGHTER

Mind you, I think I know why the people of Sydney were quite so happy.

Everyone came together.

LAUGHTER

Now, next up, a wonderful story about idiocy.

Have you heard the one about the man who bought a boat on the internet,

decided to sail it home,

but navigated using a road atlas?

No, I haven't. But tell me more.

The nautical novice set off

from Gillingham, in Kent,

aiming for Southampton.

Keeping the land to his right,

he thought he couldn't go wrong but

he failed to notice on his road map the dangers of the Isle of Sheppey.

So, mistakenly, he sailed around that instead and ran out of fuel.

So, did this make him stop? Oh, no.

His intentions were to find a petrol station to refill his 20 litre can

and then go off to Southampton.

He did actually ask, which way? Left or right?

Left or right.

Left.

I tell you what,

he was a real hit with the locals.

He was going clock-wise.

But instead of going around there, he went around there.

LAUGHTER

He had a sat-naff. LAUGHTER

RUSSELL LAUGHS

"Wanker!"

This is a classic British response.

Is there anything we love more than than someone cocking up?

This week, The Sun collected some of the worst quiz answers in history.

-This has to be my favourite.

-Another starter question.

The nicknames Cheesemongers, Cherry Pickers, Bob's Own,

the Emperor's Chambermaids, and the Immortals

are or have been used for which groups of men?

-Homosexuals?

-No, they're regiments in the British army.

They'd be very upset with you, UMIST!

Now, terrifying news for the people of Cambridge.

A vicious swan which has been attacking people

using the River Cam has moved near Cambridge's historic city centre.

A swan attacking people.

How are they going to show that on the news? How are you?

I managing to keep busy. I mean the main thing is the business.

Bloody hell!

LAUGHTER

Have you seen the name they've given the swan?

We filmed the swan nicknamed Mr ASBO

last year on a normally peaceful river.

Mr ASBO. He sounds like the scummiest Mr Men character ever.

What will they call his wife, Little Miss Happy Slap?

I know what you're thinking, just kick the swan's head in.

Well, there's a problem with that.

The Queen technically owns all the unmarked mute swans

in open water in Britain.

Imagine trying to kill the swan, and suddenly the Queen's like, "I wouldn't do that if you were you."

Just surrounded by thousands of swans.

"Philip, release the pretties."

LAUGHTER

"With pleasure, Big Mama."

So, who have the villagers turned to?

Animal communicator, Michelle Childerley, who claims she's been

able to calm him down by linking with him telepathically.

Telepathically.

"What's that, Mr Swan?

"Yeah, yeah, yeah.

"He says he wants some bread."

What I did, I communicated with him from home.

He expressed this anger towards humans that he was feeling.

From home?

How does that work? "Mum, there's a swan on the phone for you."

HE IMITATES A SWAN

"Another happy customer."

It's clearly bollocks. We've actually got footage of her chatting with the swan.

He's not happy.

Hello, Mr Swan. How are you today?

Suck my beak, Wizadora!

I lost a fight with a goose and I've got something wrong with me dick.

Anything I can do to help?

Why don't you and your fat cameraman fuck off?

Rub some lentils on your tits, you fucking hippy.

He's being calm and not aggressive at all.

You think that's the strangest animal story of the week?

Guess again. Look at this.

This is Dogger, Kitty and Mousy.

We travel around the country.

We like teaching people to get along.

We have a lot of fun with this. Say, "Cheese", guys.

I think it's pretty cool. They all stay up there balancing. It's really nice.

What nutter goes, "I've been wasting my life.

"Get me a cat, a rat, and dog and some Pritt Stick"?

Why can't people get along?

If they can do it, why can't we?

I tell you what, wouldn't it be great if one day the rat, the cat and the dog

all looked at each other and went, "Let's eat this prick"?

Now, we've had bizarre explanations for the recession.

Have you heard the latest?

Apparently, it's all down to porn.

A new report obtained by ABC News reveals

that some top government officials

responsible for policing Wall Street

have a staggering obsession with pornography,

spending hour after hour surfing porn sites

on their government computers.

They said the bankers were blind not to see the recession, and now we know why.

The most serious violators include

a senior attorney at SEC Headquarters in Washington

who spent up to eight hours a day

accessing internet porn

and had boxes of pornographic CDs and DVDs in his office.

Eight hours a day.

His poor dick, I bet it glows in the dark.

LAUGHTER

Every time he turns on his laptop, his cock is like, "NO!

"NO!"

What I want to know, how did nobody in the office notice eight hours a day?

Imagine the size of his right arm.

He probably looks like a wonky Popeye.

Another accountant attempted to access porn websites 1,800 times in a two week period.

1,800 times. That's unbelievable!

And she had 600 pornographic images on her government hard drive.

She?

All right!

Men watching porn - evil.

Women watching porn - hello, Mama.

HE HOWLS

I figured out the way to stop this. We've reconfigure their laptops

-so that every time they look at porn, this happens.

-SIREN SOUNDS

"I was on Google."

Apparently, everyone in the office was looking at porn.

The accountant, the CEOs, the cleaners... Even the Hoovers.

GROANING AND MOANING

LAUGHTER

Filthy red little BASTARD!

Now, this is possibly the most shocking sport in the world.

The baby weeping contest has been held in Tokyo for 20 years.

The rules are simple - two students sumo wrestlers each hold a young child,

and whoever makes one of them cry first is the winner.

We try to surprise them by shaking them up a little bit.

It's a kind of battle with babies.

It's a battle with babies.

It's not a battle, it's just being nasty.

It's not like the baby can fight back.

"You may have made me cry, fatty, but at least I can see my dick."

What must babies think when they meet a sumo? "Shit!

"I want to see the titties that feed this bastard."

You're probably thinking,

"Oh, well, at least the wrestlers won't go too far because there's a referee."

When the wrestlers fail to get a rise, the referees step in to boost the fear factor.

He uses a mask.

Shocking.

LAUGHTER

The incredible thing is, the mums don't even care.

I think it's a good thing.

It's just a game to make these children cry.

It's so they grow up nice and healthy.

Yeah, that'll work. "You seem balanced."

"Well, a fat man in a nappy used to make me weep."

The sumos should watch out, the babies are hitting back.

Some of them are learning karate.

Wooooo!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So, what has been this week's health scare?

People may find sunbeds as addictive as drug taking,

according to new research.

Addicted to a sunbed.

-What are you, a fucking moth?

-LAUGHTER

Will there be people on street corners, "Oi, do you want a bang on a torch?"

Just dressing up as a ship and going near a lighthouse.

"Shine on me. Shine on me."

Mind you, if you're a sunbed addict, you'll be delighted by this.

Experts say each of us has a magnetic field.

This man's is strong enough to illuminate a light bulb by his touch.

Pretty impressive, but don't show him doing it like this.

Let there be light. One man takes this often-quoted phrase

to a whole new level.

You've make him look like a randy Jedi.

LAUGHTER

"The force is strong in this one.

"Kabanga." Now, sunbeds may be bad for you, but here's something that isn't.

A report out this week indicates that a greasy fry up

may actually be the best way to start the day.

This is fantastic. Nobody can resist a cooked breakfast.

Even vegetarians have trouble.

A vegetarian being offered a full English

is the equivalent of a straight man being offered Johnny Depp.

"You know what, I said I wouldn't,

"but yes, I bloody well will.

"I look forward to this. Be gentle with me, Scissorhands."

In fact, that would be the perfect advert. "Bacon.

"It's like shagging Johnny Depp."

LAUGHTER

It's refreshing to hear a positive food story, because usually when you go through the papers,

it's things like, "Bacon will kill you",

"If you drink red wine, you'll die", "Chips will rape your dog."

The Daily Mail is the worst.

Every day, there's a different fear-mongering story.

Have you seen how many things they genuinely claim could lead to cancer? It's absolutely ridiculous.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

This has to be the creepiest use of technology ever.

Recognisor is a mobile application

that's changing the face of social networking.

During a party, you might want to figure out info about the person standing across the room.

Photograph them and let your phone do the stalking.

SHOCKED LAUGHTER

Let the phone do the stalking.

What next? "We've made a lovely little app that shows you the best place to hide the body."

You can pretty much know everything about them that's listed on the internet within about 30 seconds.

HE MIMICS A CAMERA CLICKING

"I see you're allergic to wheat."

LAUGHTER

I tell you what, it's going to really scupper cocky blokes at parties.

-"Yeah, I work in film, I have a house in LA."

-HE MIMICS A CAMERA CLICKING

"Really? Says here you work in ASDA."

-Mind you, it'll help you root out psycho women. "She seems nice."

-HE MIMICS A CAMERA CLICKING

"Oh, there you are, in a straitjacket,

"drawing on the wall in your own shit.

"In ASDA."

Let's be honest, if you meet someone through stalking, that relationship will end badly.

Mind you, a disastrous romance can sometimes lead to funny break-up letters.

Look at these belters.

This one is smaller but just as powerful.

LAUGHTER

This one is just insane.

Sometimes a headline really grabs you.

40LL boobs!

LAUGHTER

Claire Smedley thought she'd suffocated her boyfriend with her massive jubblies.

There was an incident with one of my boyfriends

where we were getting carried away in the bedroom, I was on top.

Before I knew it, his movements went jerky.

I couldn't see what was happening, really, and I stopped

and I realised he'd passed out.

LAUGHTER

Imagine if he'd died. You could not keep a straight face at that funeral.

"And he died doing what he loved best.

-"Putting his head in a cleavage and going..."

-HE BLUBBERS AND SHOUTS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

For the last time this series, it's the Good News Story. Enjoy.

John and Sandy Durban are lifelong football fans

fulfilling a lifelong dream.

Far from slowing down in retirement, these pensioners are gearing up for the World Cup in South Africa.

They booked it over a year ago, and the fact England have now qualified has made it all the sweeter.

The football-crazy pair cashed in part of John's pension and blew the lot on flights,

hotels and tickets for the ultimate football-fest.

This isn't instead of a cruise. We'd rather go to football.

He who hesitates is lost, and we did it.

For John, timing is everything.

I think England are coming through nicely, I really do.

I've got confidence in Capello, I believe he's a very sound manager.

Sandy and John have tickets for every England match up to and including the final.

Now they, like so many others, are hoping Capello's boys can clinch it.

Fantastic. Thank you for watching tonight,

and watching the entire series. It's been really good fun.

Thank you so much for doing that. Have a wonderful night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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