Episode 6 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language.

Thank you very much. Welcome to Good News.

Every week I'll be strutting around the globe

to find stories to make you laugh.

I love it when people try to do a report outside a nightclub.

There will be thousands more people.

I like your shoes, pal.

There's just not enough innuendo on Newsround these days.

Would you like to see my bulldog impression?

-OK.

-Like that.

If I'd known earlier, I would have entered him!

If Kenneth Williams were alive today, he'd go "mooooh"!

Did you see Adam Boulton boasting on Sky News?

Less excitably, ordinary voters...

To be honest, he probably didn't even know it was there.

Producers are always doing that.

Something in my teeth?

So, the election draws closer.

Gordon Brown appears to be giving up.

Vote Conservative on May 6th.

-HE MOCKS

-Labour, I meant Labour.

I think he was just annoyed because his rivals can speak

foreign languages and he's still struggling with English.

Bonjour!

G-g-g-good to see you.

So, what are Labour doing to reinvigorate their campaign?

I'm going to be introducing Britain's Elvis Presley.

So while Nick Clegg and David Cameron are busy playing tiddlywinks

in the corner, our Prime Minister is busy solving the economic crisis

on the road to recovery.

What were they thinking?

Listen to the lyrics - he was singing as Brown entered the room.

# When no-one else can understand me

# When everything I do is wrong... #

I bet later on, Elvis was going, # I'm a loser, baby,

# So why don't you kill me? # Wacka wacka-wah!

Mind you, at least Gordon wasn't papped outside this shop.

Not only that, Cameron got snubbed by a little old lady.

Hello, nice to see you, how are things?

Lovely and warm on the seafront. How are you, madam?

Maybe she was upset because she'd heard the Tories' advice for pensioners.

Just stop breathing.

It's not just biddies he's after, I think he's going to take a gun to Glastonbury.

Watch out Lady Gaga, watch out Florence and the Machine,

we're coming to get you.

And what of Nick Clegg? Sorry...

Mr Long Legged Cleggy Weggy.

He's faced a backlash after his debate performances.

I must be the first politician who has gone from being Churchill

to being a Nazi in under a week.

Even babies are starting to fear him.

I don't like it!

SHE WAILS

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

-What's wrong?

-AUDIENCE: Ah!

That was interesting, big laugh, and then, "ah"!

Did you watch the second debate?

Now, I'm not proud but I kept falling asleep.

It freaked me out, because I woke up at some odd moments.

Size does matter.

What the hell has been happening?

Then Cameron started bragging about his disco.

My party was much better than all the others.

At one point, Brown turned into Ali G.

I say to you, Nick, get real, get real.

Me and my Sarah say vote Labour.

The debates were all quite dry.

They should replace the studio audience with children.

Imagine the leaders answering their questions -

"Mr Cameroon...if an orange is called an orange, why aren't bananas called yellows?"

"Cleggy Weggy, I can close my eyes, why can't I close my ears?"

Or they could have a strip debate.

Every time a lie is told, clothing comes off.

Whoever gets naked loses.

-Imagine Brown naked in HD telly.

-AUDIENCE GROANS

It would be like someone has thrown road kill into Oxfam.

Do you know who I feel sorry for in the debate? The people who have to judge it.

Each person was given an electronic voting pad

with keys numbered one to five.

They pressed five if they loved what they heard,

one if they if they hated it.

And the result is this onscreen worm.

They lock people in a room and make them twist dials?

You'd get so bored. If I had the dials, the worm would look like this.

I ask people throughout society

to take responsibility, but you can't run the health service...

LAUGHTER

..you've got to finance it properly. I just ask people, why do you...

SPEECH DROWNED BY LAUGHTER

We have a culture of jobs for life in politics, hundreds and hundreds

of MPs from the Conservative and Labour parties, the old parties,

who know that all they need to do every four years...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, I don't know about you, but the biggest news for me this week was the marathon.

The London Marathon celebrated its 30th birthday with more than

35,000 runners pounding the streets from Blackheath to Buckingham Palace.

I ran it in 4 hours 15 minutes, right?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You really shouldn't applaud. At one stage I was overtaken by this bloke.

Such a low moment - you're trying your best and the Gingerbread Man says, "See you later!"

Mind you, it could have been worse, at least the commentator didn't slam me.

'The youngster in the black putting on a sprint finish.

'Oh, he's given up.'

"Oh, he's given up." He may as well have gone, "What a lazy prick!"

What I love about the marathon, it's so selfless,

everyone is there doing it for a good cause. I SAY everyone.

My brother has spent the last two months training and I beat him,

so that's all that matters.

"Could I act like more of a dick?"

"Well, yes - yes, I could."

My sister is there as well.

A real family affair then?

Yeah...we started off together, it was quite nice, but they were just too slow.

My personal highlight - is it just me?

My little brother went up to Princess Beatrice and offered her some Vaseline.

And she accepted! He essentially offered royalty some lube,

and she went,

"Don't mind if I do, pauper."

Now, talking of royals, did you know the finishing line is right near Buckingham Palace?

I bet they have to gag Prince Philip, a load of Kenyans sprinting past...

"So many jokes...

"so little time."

The crowd were incredible. If you had your name on your shirt, people would shout it out.

My mate ran it with the word "me" on his shirt.

I thought he was showing off.

Then the race started, I realised why he'd done it.

Nothing funnier than hearing a crowd shout, "Come on me!"

LAUGHTER

"You son of a... "

Over and over. "Come on me!

"Come on me!" You think that's bad,

his friend had the words, "my mum".

Incredible moment.

Now, not only did the crowd cheer you on, you also have kids along the route handing out sweets.

It's a sort of reverse paedophilia. It's fantastic.

I tell you, if I was a kid, I would have spiked the sweets with acid.

Imagine tripping your tits off and running past THIS guy.

"It's the melty tiger."

Or instead of acid, dip the sweets in laxative.

AUDIENCE GROANS

No-one cares what time you get if THIS happens.

GROANING

Now, this next story is fantastic. It's about a guy who breaks into the wrong lady's house.

'At around 5:30am,

'the 89-year-old Des Moines woman

'hears what she thinks is a loud knock at the door.

'She soon realises someone is bashing his way in.'

I always said, "As long as you're on the outside, I won't bother,

£but if you ever come on the inside, it's going to be me or you."

So, what did the little old lady do?

'She grabs her loaded 22 calibre pistol.'

I came out like this, and he was there, where you're at,

and that's when I... bing-binged him.

Bing-bing.

I've never heard that expression before. "Bing-bing".

'Beatrice fires one shot.'

But I missed him.

I was hitting for his head. I missed him.

What kind of shot are you?

Well, then I must not have been dang good shot!

Because I must have missed him!

I love her, she nearly killed a man and now she's having a bit of a laugh.

Her grandchildren must be terrified.

"Kiss your nan." "No."

"I said, 'kiss your nan!'"

The reaction of the police was wonderful.

And the police reloaded it for me.

It could have been worse for the burglar, at least he didn't break into this lady's house.

SPLAYING BULLETS

Now, this is the oddest reaction to a fire ever.

'The windows are boarded up at this Hampton Beach home,

'the inside destroyed by a fire. Flames broke out

'Thursday morning, scaring the kids who live nearby.'

We were afraid it would hit our house in the back of it,

so I was kind of fearful.

"I was kind of fearrrful."

Don't worry, nobody was hurt. Mainly because of this.

'Fire-fighters came to the rescue and so did this guy.

'Egged on by a dare, this 6'4", 280lb Hampton man

'decided to throw on his gorilla suit to cheer the neighbourhood kids up.'

There was a fire and a local man turned up dressed as a gorilla.

How great is that?

"There's a house on fire! Fetch my costume."

People were laughing hysterically, they couldn't stop laughing.

Laughing? Were the kids REALLY laughing?

Kind of awkward.

"It's kind of awkward." I love the idea he went, "Ta-da", and they went, "What have you done?

"We said 'come quickly, there's a fire'."

"Oooh...

"I thought you said, 'dress up as a gorilla'."

Everybody knows kids hate it when you dress up as a gorilla.

Mum?

Mum?

LOUD ROAR, BOY SCREAMS

Have you seen the latest advice for teachers?

Children, honestly, teachers are being taught that by copying gestures they could win their trust.

Basically, if the kid does this, the teacher's got to do that.

If the kid goes like that, the teacher's got to go like that.

How long before the kids figure this out and they go "Oi, Miss..."

"Hey, Miss!

"Ohh! Win my trust, baby, win my trust!"

Sorry about that, I really got into that.

I'm glad I didn't go to this school.

School children between 10 and 14 years

were forced to walk on broken glass pieces and burning coal.

All this was done with the school administration's permission.

The school administration said it was

a scientific experiment to boost self-confidence among the children.

They're making kids walk on broken glass and hot coals to boost their confidence.

That will work, won't it?

"I'm a confident little man".

Poor sods. Then again, maybe the kids loved it.

Before they walked on the hot coals,

they popped a couple of beef burgers under their feet...

although it's India, so I doubt they were beef.

Imagine the cows in the field...

"Smells like somebody's burning us.

"I thought we were sacred."

The other cow would be like,

-INDIAN ACCENT:

-Why are you speaking in that accent?

"Just thought it was a little bit safer because I'm on telly and people normally get freaked out."

-INDIAN ACCENT:

-"Never sell your culture down the river, Sanjay."

"There's nothing wrong with me, I'm doing the voice.

"Nobody finds this awkward at all, do you?"

"You sound a little bit Welsh."

"No, I don't, I don't sound Welsh!"

"I'm an Indian cow and there's no problem with that."

"Why are your hands like that?" "I don't know why my hands...

"Just finish the joke and get out of my face."

I tell you what...

..you wouldn't let kids walk on coals or glass in this country,

although Emos would love it, wouldn't they?

"Hooray, double self-harm!

"This is better than the time I found out I was adopted!"

In America, there has been uproar at this school.

This school is forcing pupils to cross-dress, but why?

In honour of women's history month, students would have to wear an outfit

to show how women's clothing has changed.

Boys as well as girls were expected to participate

to receive full credit.

Here is a reaction of one of the kids from the school,

and he's so furious, he's out of focus.

I was like, "No, absolutely not. I am not...

"I got to tell Mom, I'm not doing a fashion show."

-HE MOCKS

-I'm not doing a fashion show.

Maybe he was upset because he'd have to wear his mum's clothes,

and she dresses like this.

He didn't want to do a fashion show. In fairness, it would be awkward

if your dad caught you doing your homework.

And one and two, and one and twist,

and one and two, and one and twist...

What the hell do you think you're doing, you little fairy?

Homework.

Homework? You're a disgrace.

To come up here and find my son, my only son, prancing about like that!

You've let me down, you've let yourself down.

-You're doing it wrong.

-Eh?

This is how you do it!

Work your body, use it, use your hips.

Grind, grind. Sexy, son, sexy.

Walk about the room, make them love you.

Don't tell your mum about this.

No.

APPLAUSE

Now, have you heard the latest health scare?

British health officials are blaming Facebook

for a rise in syphilis in the UK.

They're saying Facebook has become a social networking site

that allows people to meet each other for casual sex.

Cue hysteria.

So make sure you use protection on Facebook.

Wrap your fingers in condoms. Wrap your whole body in condoms.

Facebook doesn't cause syphilis, it causes Tourette's.

You can't read someone's status without swearing.

"I've eaten a tomato." Oh, fuck off!

It isn't Facebook that causes syphilis, it's people.

That's like blaming this guy for dogging.

Oh, yes!

Although he's very persuasive.

Talking of wobbly jowls, good news for randy pensioners.

Apparently, teenagers aren't the only ones getting into technology

to send sexy pictures and text messages over their cell phones.

Sexting is catching on with 50-plus people.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Don't be like that, this is great.

Biddies getting the funk on. I'd love it if they changed text speak.

ROFL wouldn't be roll on floor laughing,

it would be retired old filthy Linda.

The world is becoming ageless, and there's no expiration date on sexy.

Oh, really?

AUDIENCE GROANS

He looks so happy.

If they're sending sexy texts,

how long before they're sending sexy photos?

Imagine checking your grandad's phone,

he's a text from one of the lovely ladies down the Post Office.

Oh, Ethel!

Dirty little Ethel.

AUDIENCE GROANS

I don't know why I did that either.

Now, people at home just eating their tea going,

"I'll turn the telly off now."

Except for one old lady called Ethel going, "Turn it up!"

This is the part of the show I really look forward to.

There's a mystery guest who's been in the news,

and I have to figure out who that is. Please welcome my mystery guest.

-Hello, you all right?

-How you doing?

-Hello.

-How are you doing?

-I'm very well indeed.

-What's your name?

-My name is John.

-Shall I sit there or shall we sit apart?

-Apart, yeah.

Who are your friends?

-Brought them with me.

-This is something to do with sport.

It's quite to do with sport,

it's an aspect of sport, but entertainment as well,

so a mixture of the two.

-Are you a mascot?

-I'm not a mascot, no.

Mixture of the two... Can you show me what you do?

Quality. Let's show you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You wear hats.

Just for a little part of my show. I'll show you that first. Ready?

Oh, nice, that was.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's so nice.

Oh!

You sexy little bastard!

Oh!

Oh, oh!

If I was a woman, I'd bang you right now.

Literally, you'd have had me at kick.

What are you doing now... Oh! Oh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I think you've just given that football an orgasm.

This is amazing.

-My heel's ready.

-Your heel's ready?

What's your heel going to do?

Oh, my God, that's amazing.

CHEERING

-Wasn't that amazing?

-Thank you.

Do you do, like, street shows and stuff like that?

I started doing street shows and now I'm...

-You know, I've got four Guinness World Records now.

-Have you?!

For different aspects of freestyle.

-What an existence.

-It's amazing.

I'm starting my own freestyle academy in America in August.

What's it called?

The John Farnworth Freestyle Academy, so kids can come and learn what I do.

-You should come.

-I'd love to do that. I wouldn't be any good at all!

You'd do fine, I'm sure.

It must kill your dad to watch you?

I smashed so many windows, my mum goes crazy, honestly.

But I'm just obsessed with learning new tricks.

So did you have trials for teams and stuff?

Yes, when I was younger, I played for Preston, when I was 13, 14,

and I went to a freestyle competition.

I thought, "I'll give this a go," and that was me, hooked on it.

How many hours do you do a week?

It depends on my schedule, if I'm performing,

but I try to fit in 40 hours' training a week.

-Wow!

-I'm hitting sometimes seven hours a day, so constant practice.

Just in your garden?

Yes, garden, garage, any space I can find, basically.

It's amazing and quite nerdy as well.

-It is.

-But it's so worth it when you perform like that.

I know, I love performing and showing people stuff.

People sometimes say, "You show-off," but that's what I love.

-Totally.

-Yes, so I do like that.

-Have you performed for footballers?

-I have.

Actually Ruud van Nistelrooy booked me to perform at his party.

-That's a bit scary!

-I know, I was like, "I've got to do that."

How awkward would it be if he went, "Put the football down?"

"What do you mean, Ruud?" "Put the football down.

"When I say perform..."

"What, do you want me to do you mean tricks around a pole?" "Sort of."

It went well though, it was good. I enjoyed it.

Why have you been in the news this week?

I'm the world's top freestyle footballer.

I was in the Metro. I had an article written on me, about what I've

done, what I have achieved and what I'm planning to do in the future.

Well, that is wonderful. It's a pleasure to meet you.

Thanks very much. Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my mystery guest!

This week, Stephen Hawking said something that no-one was expecting.

Stephen Hawking believes in aliens.

The famous British astrophysicist is one of

the smartest scientists in the world.

He says aliens are out there,

but it could be too dangerous for us to contact them.

When someone of his intellectual capacity says this, you go,

"Wow, it must be true."

Because normally people who believe in aliens are thick as fuck.

My name's Danny Dyer, and I believe in UFOs.

Stephen Hawking is so intelligent,

he could say anything, and we'd believe him.

-HE IMITATES HAWKING'S VOICE:

-"The average man can live five years

"longer if he licks a mouse." Oh, cheers, Steve.

"Ha, ha, ha, ha.

"L-O-L, L-O-L, L-O-L,

"you stupid bastard.

"Hawking freestyle. My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

"Damn right, it's better than yours. Damn right, it's better than yours."

Now, have you heard the latest research?

According to a new study, your memory could be boosted almost tenfold when

you dream, particularly if you dream about what you were just learning.

Dreams can improve memory.

I've never woken up and gone, "Ah! That's where I left my keys."

It's normally... "Badgers in lifebelts?

"I must protect the badgers!

"Margaret, wake up!"

There's my dog going, "My name's Archie."

"Who's Margaret?

"Take your shoe off."

"Why do you go to bed with your shoes on, anyway?"

"Why aren't you using your real voice?"

-IN FOREIGN ACCENT:

-"I don't think that people would like it."

Sleeping on your problems might be helpful,

but just don't do it if you're in a car with your mates.

THEY SCREAM

APPLAUSE

Time for the Good News story.

This week it's about a paperboy from Gloucester.

A paperboy from Gloucester is being honoured tonight

after saving the life of not one, but two stroke victims.

Last lesson on a Friday for Matt Pearce.

It was learning first-aid that earned him tonight's award.

Out on his paper round earlier this year,

he found one of his elderly customer's front door open.

He had a look inside and found her collapsed on the floor

and went to help.

She said thank you, and the thankyou was, like, slurred.

So I thought, "This isn't right. I think you're having a stroke."

So I got out my mobile phone and rang 999,

and asked the operator for an ambulance.

Matt's actions saved her life, but it didn't stop there.

Remarkably, just a few days later, he found a man

collapsed in the street also suffering with a stroke.

I was amazed the amount of cars which went past him and didn't think to pull over and ask if he was OK.

If you want elderly people to respect you, you have to respect them.

I wouldn't say I'm a hero, because at the end of the day,

I was just doing my job as any other paperboy at 15, 16 would do.

Tonight, Matt will swap the back of the classroom for centre stage

in front of 800 people at Gloucester Cathedral.

He's nervous, but happy to stand as an example of what young people really can achieve.

Do you know why I love him?

-IN WEST-COUNTRY ACCENT:

-He's a proper Gloucester boy.

"I'm not a hero, I'm just a paperboy doing his job."

What a great kid. Thanks very much for watching Good News.

Hope you enjoyed it, good night.

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