Episode 5 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains very strong language and adult humour.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much.

Hello, welcome. Welcome to Good News.

Every week I'll be going from Heathrow to Gatwick

to find stories to make you laugh.

Say what you like about pensioners,

when they do an impression of a dog, they really go for it.

And as soon as they saw me, they came bounding over.

GROWLS AND SNARLS

I know what you're thinking - what's Bill Turnbull's favourite sexual position?

The ice-cream wafer sandwich.

Do you know, I think I might have a go at that.

What do you reckon, John Craig?

Don't do it, it's not safe.

Fair enough.

Talking of sex, did you see Andrew Neil's motto?

Withdraw! Before it's too late.

So the election rumbles on.

Did anyone see Adam Boulton's Jedward joke?

It absolutely died.

I don't think any of the leaders

would necessarily want to be compared to the Jedwards.

And if you are watching the debate tonight...

I don't know what's going on. The reporters have been in a funny mood.

If you look closely, Dermot Murnaghan appears to be giving someone to his left a hand job.

Britain's entire airspace shut down for the first time in living memory.

To be honest though, everyone does that in telly, right, mate?

All right, Steve?

Now, in the past couple of weeks,

the media have been explaining the election to us through pigs and crisps.

I wonder what they've used this week.

We've got three sandcastles.

The way it stands at the moment...

Can I just bring you forward?

We've got the Tory, the Labour and the Lib Dem.

Which one are you going to have?

Go for it, let's see if we can build a sand castle.

Shall we unveil it?

Ooh, having problems.

I think we'd better hand back to Robert. Back to you.

That could not have gone worse.

The only way that could have been worse,

if she'd lifted up the bucket and there was just a dead puppy.

Last week, TV history was made.

It is the first time in a British election campaign that the contenders

for the post of Prime Minister have agreed to a televised debate.

Did you watch it?

Was it me, or were Cameron and Clegg having a battle to see who was the most widely travelled?

-I was in Plymouth recently.

-I met a man in London the other day.

I went to a Hull police station the other day.

-I was in a hospital.

-I've been to Afghanistan.

-I was in Burnley.

-China.

-Sweden.

-Crosby.

-Canada.

-Iran.

-Australia.

-I even went to a drug rehab recently.

I went to a bloody rehab, Clegg! Deal with that!

When they weren't doing that, they were doodling.

3,000 more police officers on the streets.

The risk to the economy is Labour's proposal of a jobs tax.

..tough talk from different governments of different parties for so long.

We've got hold of their notepads. This is Gordon Brown's.

Cameron was just fantasising.

And Clegg, well, he was just drawing himself.

I think Gordon Brown just wanted to be Nick Clegg's mate.

See, I agree with Nick. I agree with Nick.

I agree with Nick. Nick and I are agreed.

"I love you, Nick."

Mind you, Clegg had cause to be happy.

Most polls suggested he'd won.

Nick Clegg came out as the clear winner

with a 5% lead over Gordon Brown and a 6% lead over David Cameron.

I'll bet he floated all the way home.

# They call me Nick Clegg Nick Clegg

# I got a third leg Third leg. #

Waking up his wife. "Oh Nick, I suppose you came last?"

"Drop 'em and guess again!"

# They call me Nick Clegg... #

Now, I'm going to have to swallow humble pie.

For the past two weeks, I've taken the mickey

and suddenly he's come from nowhere to be a major part of the election.

In fact, some papers are actually calling him the British Barack Obama.

Sorry!

Mr Long-Legged Cleggy Weggy.

Not everyone enjoyed the debate.

I think it's cos the audience weren't allowed to heckle or even clap.

You can't watch a politician and not swear.

It's like stubbing your toe and not sounding like you're doing a slightly racist Chinese accent.

Oi-ya!

Oi-yoh-yaaah!

You can't help it. Reckon when a Chinese bloke stubs his toe

he goes, "Bloody hell?"

My favourite part of it was how the media tried to make the election interactive.

They should be careful what they wish for.

You at home can get involved

with our big conversation about the debate online.

Go to itv.com/electiondebate for a live web chat

where you give your verdict on the...

So, this was definitely the story everyone was talking about this week.

For the first time in living memory,

Britain is a no-fly zone because of a cloud of volcanic ash.

The smoke was incredible.

My favourite thing about the volcano was watching the newsreaders trying to pronounce it.

Mount Eyjafjallajokull.

The Aya-fowl-yakool.

The Eya-filla-leya-kool.

Eyja-fjalla-jokull.

The Eya-fiyapla-yukull volcano.

Eiya-farplaiyar...kudull.

Eya-fyatla-yurgut.

Big exploding mountain.

I'm going to go "exploding mountain" here, Tom.

Over at GMTV, they were focusing on more important matters.

If it was on a Scrabble board, that volcano would get 56 points.

Millions of people were stranded at airports, some of them slept wherever they could.

It left passengers in limbo

with still no word on when flights will resume.

Others were awake and slightly more angry.

-You only found out when you got to the airport?

-Yeah.

-You didn't know in your hotel?

-No.

-GLASWEGIAN ACCENT:

-I hate Iceland! I hate Iceland!

-MIMICS GLASWEGIAN ACCENT:

-I hate you, Iceland. You've done it on purpose!

A lot of people pinned the blame on the big guy upstairs.

There's nothing we can do. It's one of those things, an act of God.

Why is an act of God always horrific?

Earthquakes, hurricanes, tsunamis.

Would it kill Him to do something nice? Wouldn't that be lovely?

A booming voice in the sky,

"Hey, everyone! I've done all the washing up!

"It's an act of God!

"Look in your oven. I think you'll find someone's made you a lasagne!"

Wa-hey! "Hey, Russ, check your front room."

You'd better not be joking. "Would I lie to you?"

A monkey butler!

"Enjoy it, you're my favourite little thing."

That was a bit creepy, wasn't it?

You get the point.

There are thousands of British people stranded abroad. What if they run out of sun-tan lotion?

It'll be pretty funny when they arrive home looking like this.

Wow, did you hear about this church in America?

People who attend a church in Virginia don't have to worry

about finding something to wear on Sundays

because clothing is optional.

Members of Whitetail Chapel say they have

no problem getting the word of God from a pastor in his birthday suit.

HE SNIGGERS

That's one church you'll never see on Songs Of Praise.

"The next programme contains graphic content

"and really wrinkly balls."

Imagine the noise when the congregation gets up from the pews!

It'd be like jelly moulds being emptied.

HE SLURPS

I see myself as a very serious Roman Catholic.

I see you more as an X-rated goat.

People go "Why not worship naked? Adam and Eve were naked."

Yes, but that's in a book.

In Narnia, there's a talking lion.

You don't see me at Whipsnade going, "Hello, Mr Furry,

"Can I have a cuddle?"

We do it at services for weddings,

we do it for funerals.

Isn't that right?

Naked weddings? Nightmare.

You'd spend your honeymoon picking confetti out of your bush.

AUDIENCE GROANS AND LAUGHS

As for a naked funeral, that would be terrible.

"Pull yourself together, son, stop crying.

"Granddad had a good innings".

"It's not that, Dad.

"I've just seen Auntie Beryl's growler".

HE SHUDDERS

So, you think that's the strangest religious story of the week?

Guess again.

A religious controversy

swirling around a church in Warr Acres tonight.

Some say a giant painting of Christ hanging in the sanctuary

of St Charles Borromeo Catholic Church is obscene.

Check out their rage.

I feel that it is blasphemy against the Holy Spirit,

I feel that it is pornographic.

So, why exactly are they getting so worked up?

Some worshippers there say

the painting merely depicts Christ with muscles in his abdomen.

Others see something different.

Christ's genitalia are obviously very exposed.

They're saying it's his stomach muscles.

If you got muscles like that, you'd never leave the gym.

That would change the prayers -

"In the name of the Father, the Son and the... HOLY SHIT!"

And it will definitely change the musical.

# Jesus Christ, circumcised

# A dick from his hips stretching to his eyes. #

No wonder he hung out with the disciples.

If he had a dick that big, he'd need 12 men to carry it.

Lads, we're agreed - this is not going in the book, right?

At no point will we carry a dick.

Judas, I'm looking at you!

Can we have a look at the photo again?

Do you know who I feel sorry for?

Those two blokes!

Just there for eternity, looking at his rod.

Now, bad news for wordsmiths.

For more than 60 years,

proper nouns have been a no-no on the Scrabble board.

From this summer, the official rules are being changed

to allow the names of celebrities, places and companies.

Why are they making it easier? Scrabble's great, it's so English.

I love the fact we get angry about words.

It's a low moment, but everyone has done it.

"If you're going to be a dick, I'm off to fetch the dictionary."

Just stomping back. "There you go. 'Mungo - one who extracts valuable things from rubbish.' Sit down."

Or at Christmas, when people get pissed and start putting down rude words. My mum loves doing this.

"There you go, rim job, huh?

"Triple word, rack 'em up.

"They call me Scrab-Zilla, dickhead."

That is 100% true. Now...

It's been a strange week in the publishing world.

A new hands-on book is creating a big buzz in Canada.

Canadian artist, Lisa Murphy, has developed...porn for the blind.

Porn for the blind. It's like porn

but instead of pictures, it uses Braille to create erotic images.

I tell you what would be funny,

pop the Braille porn inside another book,

walk up to a blind person and go,

"All right, mate? You read the new Harry Potter?"

"Jesus!

"Hermione and a goblin!"

I know.

The book is pretty freaky. Check this out.

The book called Tactile Mind

features raised pictures of nude men and women.

SAXOPHONE PLAYS

The provocative images range from shots of naked disco girls

to men decked out as lusty robots.

Lusty robots?!

Just cos they're blind, doesn't mean they're perverts. Have you seen the pictures?!

Yeah, that'll get you horny if you like men with a toaster for a face.

It gets weirder, look at this.

How did they come up with that? "What do I find arousing?

"Nothing, really, except an elephant with a camel toe...

"and hands like spatulas.

This next one is just plain wrong.

I know what you're thinking - "Where have I seen that guy before?"

Filthy Zippy.

Probably the biggest publishing mistake this year

came from Australia.

Penguin had to recall thousands of copies of a pasta book

because one recipe suggested that, instead of using freshly ground black pepper, they should use this.

How awkward would it be if they went,

"No, it wasn't a typo, they taste delicious!"

What's the book called? Cooking With Nick Griffin?

We should hardly be surprised. Australian chefs are pretty loose with their language.

Brush with a beaten egg, cover with breadcrumbs

-and fucking fry the

-BLEEP

-until they go black, you prick.

And you thought Ramsay was bad!

Now, talking of bad, the annual awards for the oddest book title of the year have been announced.

The winner was...

To be honest, I was disappointed.

Compared to previous years, it was rubbish.

It's got nothing on the 2003 classic...

That is the Ronseal of book titles, isn't it?

It's also Clare Balding's favourite.

In...in...in 1998...

In 1998 we had this page turner.

We've all been there. And my personal favourite from 2002...

What a title for a book!

I loved it so much, I am actually turning that into a sitcom.

What shall we do later, Crazy?

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm going to smoke some crack, go to the zoo and steal a penguin.

-Brilliant idea.

-Get your finger out my face!

This next story is absolutely ridiculous.

12-year-old Alexi Gonzalez was doodling in school,

only not like this in a book.

She did it right on her desk top at Junior High School 190

in Forest Hills, and for that she was placed under arrest.

Arrested for drawing?!

Imagine the 911 call.

"Help! There's a girl here and she's got a Biro!"

They had called the cops

and, you know, they had to come and they had to handcuff me.

-They handcuffed you?!

-Yes.

What is wrong with the police?

"Sarge, there's a killer on the loose!"

"Never mind that, we got a doodler!"

"Fetch my shooter."

America is a mad country. It's illegal to scribble on a desk,

but perfectly fine to own a gun.

"All right, you crazy bitch!

"Put down the marker pen! You could hurt someone!"

What, with the fumes, you cousin-fucking dunce?

These morons cuffed and jailed a 12-year-old girl.

I don't understand why they're been so Draconian.

Sometimes graffiti can really brighten up your day.

I love this beauty.

Wonderful, isn't it?

Check out this guy.

Now, have you seen the latest iPhone app?

You probably heard that fun in the bedroom can help you lose calories.

The world's first sexercise app shows you exactly how many.

Don't turn sex into an exercise.

Nobody wants to hear a woman say,

"I want you to make love to me for hours."

"What, cos you love me?"

"No. I want to eat a pie."

Imagine that? You're shagging away, "We're getting close, I can taste the steak and mushroom!"

"Say my name."

"Ginsters! Ginsters!"

This app is madness!

Never have a phone near you during sex.

What if you roll over and accidentally call your nan?

How awkward would it be the next time you saw her?

"All right, Russ." "Hello, Nan."

"You're a forgetful sod, aren't you? Phoning me up the other day -

"'Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy?'

"You know who your dad is."

If anyone wants one of these, here's how it works.

The first step - lay your iPhone flat on your bed.

Select single or multi-player and then let the fun begin.

Single player?!

You're essentially turning masturbation into a workout.

"You look good. What's your secret?"

Wanking.

"Do you want to see my fitness video?"

NO-O-O-O-O!

This is the weirdest bit. Look at this.

And if you can't wait to share the results with your friends,

the app also offers the option to post the results on Facebook.

You can post it all on Facebook.

Must people reveal everything online?

Why don't they just go the whole hog and post updates while shagging?

"Darren's doing Jenny from behind. She loves it!"

"Jenny is not loving it."

"Darren's got a bi-i-ig dick!"

"Jenny's not even sure Darren has a dick."

Each week I leave this part of the show in the hands of my production team.

They scour the news to find me a mystery guest.

So, please welcome whoever that may be.

Hello, nice to meet you. I'm Russell.

-Hiya, Russell. I'm Sharon.

-Wow. That's quite a grip.

Let's get this out of the way - are you a life model?

-No.

-Damn.

I was genuinely excited there.

Looking at you, you've got a tattoo. I've had experiences with a tattooed lady before.

Is it to do with the art world at all?

-Yes, slightly. I could give you a clue.

-Go on.

"I'll be back" by Arnold Schwarzenegger.

-You'll be back?

-Mm.

You must be the worst Arnold Schwarzenegger impressionist ever.

Are you some sort of muscle person?

-Um, I could be.

-You could be?

Actually, I'm looking at you, you're fucking massive!

Are you a body builder?

-I am, yes.

-You absolutely have to show me your moves.

-OK, yes.

-Let's do this.

MUSIC: "Pump It" by Black Eyed Peas

Music as well. That's really groovy.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Do you know what? I am... That was fantastic.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I've never had an urge to tickle someone more in my life

than at the moment.

No. (Jesus!)

Wow. Let me just cover you up cos I'm...

I'm going to look at your boobs.

Can you make them go # Da da-da da-da-da... #

-Yeah.

-Just so I can see.

Let's have a look at yours.

I can't do it. I look like I was trying to give myself a tit wank.

We've all tried.

Now, um, so how long have you been doing this?

-About 14 years.

-14 years?!

-Yeah.

-Wow!

-Do you compete and that type of thing?

-Yeah.

-Whereabouts?

-I've just done Arnold Schwarzenegger's Arnold Classics in America.

-The Arnold Classics?

Fantastic. How did you get on?

Absolutely brilliant. I'm the first woman in the UK ever to qualify for the UK.

-Good for you.

-Thank you very much.

-That's fantastic.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So how do you maintain that tan?

Your boobs are out again. Let's get them in.

They're magnificent, but they're going to overshadow...

He looks like he's perving on you. That was great.

I just saw then, he was going, "Not bad."

It's a good job he's got that fig leaf on.

How long have you been ripped? When were you first like...?

Um, the first bodybuilding show I ever did was 1999

and I did fitness, like a very little petite girl. Girlie girl.

What I'm trying to get to, was there a stage when your dad went, "OK,"

cos you were harder than your dad?

I'm harder than most men, though.

Yeah, yeah. OK. Um...

It was the way you leant in. You were all lovely and feminine and I could

smell your perfume and then you went, "I'm harder than most men."

-What does your family think of this? They must be proud.

-I've got three children

and a granddaughter, so they just love it.

-Granddaughter?! You're the hardest granny in the world!

-Definitely.

You're not old enough. Whisper. How old are you?

-You're never, are you?

-Yeah.

72!

44 years old.

That's amazing. You must literally be the coolest granny in the world.

-I hope so.

-Has she seen you do...? You just do that?

Do you lift stuff, or just like...?

-She's just hitting two now, but...

-Hitting Two?

-She's hitting two.

-That's her other grandson.

"I don't like Two."

You didn't put any imagination into them names.

-You don't if you're training though, do you?

-No.

It's been a pleasure, it really has. I really enjoy this, meeting interesting people.

-What was your name?

-Sharon.

-What's your full name?

-Madison.

-Sharon Madison. Please give a wonderful round of applause.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Now, this next story is a cracker.

One of my favourites of the week.

So what hideous crime did he commit

to make the people of Fochriw so angry he was banished?

I love the quote from local man Len Davies.

Banned for nearly 50 years for stealing a chicken!

I love the idea that there's a load of blokes in a tiny Welsh pub who hate Tom Jones.

Whenever his songs come on the radio - "Boo!"

And changing the words.

# It's not unusual #

For you to steal our chicken!

"You orange-skinned bastard!

"Oi, Barry, why did the chicken cross the road?

"Cos Tom Jones is a prick."

"I couldn't agree more, the Fanta-faced fucker!"

In fairness, loads of people have been banned from this village,

even my mate, Crazy Buttocks.

What happened in that Welsh village?

Them Welsh bastards didn't like the way the I danced.

# I like big butts and I cannot lie

# All you other brothers can't deny... #

SERIOUSLY! You got a problem.

Now, here's a story that caught my attention about a generous bus driver in New York.

Justin! La pasta, por favor.

TRANSLATION: A lot of people here call him the Superman of Roosevelt Avenue.

He is the person that sees the emotion and needs of all of us.

Isn't that lovely? A bit of human kindness can go a long way.

I hope you enjoyed the show. It's been a pleasure. Good night.

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