Episode 4 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language.

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much indeed.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you very much indeed. Hello. Welcome to Good News.

Every week, I'll be riding here, there and everywhere to find stories that will make you laugh.

Did you see the footage of the Red Arrows' retirement home?

Wonderful, isn't it? Did you see John Craig talking about his ultimate fantasy?

A gay couple in a B&B.

This week, we learn what Natasha Kaplinsky does to relax.

Marijuana is lovely.

So, the election campaign has finally kicked off.

People will do anything to get out of talking about it.

Who do you trust to get a bit more out of the public sector

when there's not so much money around?

-Labour or the Tories?

-Oh, Labour...

Oh, here's our bus. We've been waiting half an hour.

So, what have the leaders been up to?

Cameron started by giving advice to DJs. Just bang out the old tunes.

Brown got slammed by former Labour leader, Neil Kinnock.

Of course, Gordon has got a radio face.

That's pretty rich coming from a bald, ginger Welshman!

Because I work for the BBC, I need to mention all three political parties.

With that in mind, here's Nick Clegg.

Hello, I'm Nick Clegg.

So...

LAUGHTER

Actually, he got caught this week for graffiti.

Would you encourage young people to write on walls like that, Mr Clegg?

You don't have an answer to that, do you?

So busted!

It could have been worse. Did you see what happened to the Scottish Labour candidate, Stuart MacLennan?

The campaign claimed its first victim today, a Labour candidate,

sacked over offensive comments he made on Twitter.

Stuart MacLennan referred to the elderly as "coffin-dodgers"

and wrote he hadn't been sober for days.

My favourite was his comment about David Cameron.

It was his "patriotic duty to kick Cameron in the nuts."

Can you imagine him in the House of Commons?

"Could you tell the right honourable gentleman that he can suck my fucking balls...

"..and claim it on expenses."

Last week, I told you about Election Chris.

This week, it gets even weirder.

..with a piglet race.

Competitors Gordon, David and Nick are doing daily races

up until polling day on May 6th.

This piglet is David because he's a much better example of a British saddleback than the other two.

Definitely, the guy that's going to go to Eton.

We call him Gordon because he actually started biting us on the leg.

Do think there's going to be people at home, "I couldn't understand the election, but now they've used pigs

"and I like bacon."

Talking of banality.

Have you seen who Radio 1 are using to get young people voting?

Hiya, I'm Peta Todd. I'm 23 and I'm also a first-time voter.

Seems normal.

I wonder what her day-job is.

That's right, she's a page three girl.

I love the fact some Radio 1 bigwig went, "Right, we need to get kids interested in politics...

"Jugs!"

Have you seen the report? How thick do they think kids are?

Get online and type in "how to vote".

Thank you!

Online, how to vote.

Before it was such a mystery!

But how will I find a polling station?

Keep your eyes peeled for big signs like this that say "polling station."

So that's what Radio 1 went for.

Check out who the Tories used to get the kid-vote.

I'm here to represent young people.

Michael Caine is 77 years old.

Who are they going to get to represent old people, Igglepiggle?

Caine was brilliant. At one point, he described how he likes his porn.

Very, very hardcore.

Then he went on to say why him and 50 Cent don't get on.

I didn't have drugs and I didn't have guns.

"I don't want to go to the bloody candy shop."

So, what was he actually there to promote?

All 16-year-olds would be able to do two months' community work in the summer.

The Tories want 16-year-olds to work for free this summer.

Madness. It's a World Cup year.

Do you want to watch Lionel Messi, or clean out a canal?

The only kids who will volunteer will be dicks. Let's call it.

The kind of kid who, aged 12, says things like, "Well, it's good for the CV."

"I can play the recorder to grade eight." You're going to die alone.

The quest for the youth vote is relentless.

Look who Tunbridge Wells have turned to.

With an election just round the corner,

Tunbridge Wells Borough Council

has turned to two internet rappers for help.

They've asked rappers to write a song that will make kids vote.

How patronising is that? What were they expecting?

"Well, I wasn't going to vote, but then they made the words rhyme and now I is a Tory!"

Rhyming words doesn't make you do things.

Otherwise I'd regularly creep up to people, going,

"If you want more sex and you want to stay thin, then slam your dick in a wheelie bin."

"Make him stop! Make him stop! The words rhyme! The words rhyme!"

Let's hope their tongue-in-cheek style will catch the attention of potential young voters.

Golly Gosh say friends are already registering to vote

after listening to their unique Tunbridge Wells groove.

They're called Golly Gosh.

You can't be a rapper and call yourself Golly Gosh!

That sounds like something Boris Johnson shouts when he comes.

If you want to get kids interested in the election, use technology.

Make it possible to vote on Facebook.

Actually, scrap that. That's a bad idea.

Before you know it, this guy would be Prime Minister.

Simples.

So, what else has been going down?

The Duchess of Cornwall is recovering

after breaking her left leg while out hill-walking in Scotland.

Don't laugh.

Poor Camilla's broken her leg.

We've actually got footage of her being airlifted to safety.

APPLAUSE

You should have seen my mum's reaction.

"She was injured hill-walking?

"Well, if you walk like Benny Hill you will hurt yourself!"

That's right - my mum genuinely thought that hill-walking meant Camilla was doing this.

Apparently, she caught her foot in a rabbit hole.

I bet Diana was sat on a cloud, cackling. "Well done, my pretties!

"Well done!"

Now she's in a plaster cast and she's going to be in that cast for six weeks

and doctors have advised her not to put any weight on her left leg.

Leg up for six weeks. She's going to be watching a lot of this.

She could watch it with the Queen.

The Queen, a massive fan of Countdown. Makes sense.

Of course the Queen loves Countdown - she hasn't got a job.

I bet they all play it.

I bet Charles is there going, "Look, Mummy, I've got a good nine-letter word - abdicate."

"Oh, really? I've got a good 14-letter word - eatshitjugears."

APPLAUSE

I bet they're all at it. I bet Philip's in the background, going, "I've got fuzzy-wuzzy. Look!

"I've fuzzy-wuzzy!"

"What have you got, Harry?" "I've got ganja." "The letters aren't there!"

"No, I'm just saying, I've got ganja."

-"Oh, ease off, ginge, the Grand National's on."

The champion jockey, Tony McCoy has finally won

the Grand National at his 15th attempt.

The joint favourite, Don't Push It carried him to victory over the famous Aintree course this afternoon.

I love the Grand National.

It's one of the few days of the year when you get to feel like a real man, isn't it?

"I'm going down the bookies to put some money on an 'orse.

"Then I'm going to come back and make you pregnant! That's right - you're dealing with a real man!"

You get into the bookies and it's absolutely terrifying, isn't it?

Huge men!

Made to look even bigger because they're holding tiny pens.

The pens are like that, "I should be working in Argos!"

It's terrifying. You're surrounded by these goliaths.

You try and put on a manly voice, but all that topples out of your mouth, "Good day, sir. No!

"I'm here to put some money on a horsey-worsey."

"Do you want it each way?" "Ooh, do the horseys come back?"

Now, did you see Ladies' Day?

You've never seen so much fake tan in your life.

Look at that.

No wonder the horses wear blinkers!

I bet the jockeys are like that, "Don't look, lad.

"It's like Morph in a boob tube!"

Talking of the jockeys, could anybody understand a word they said?

So it's just, took a bit of a chance, they're going...

They say it's better going with the devil you know.

Eh?

You know, a lot of the novices, they've been to Cheltenham and...

Some in Europe wasn't coming and some were running in the two-and-a-half...

No idea.

I think this next one's on heat.

How does it make you feel, thinking you've got a chance to win it?

Hopefully, I'll be able to say it's better than sex, but...

You heard him. He said "Blah, blah, blah."

For me, let's be honest, the best thing about the National is when you see a horse riding on its own.

LAUGHTER

..still there as well.

I love that bit because you just imagine them at the end.

"I've won! I've won!

Tony! Tony?

Tony!

I knew we should have used Sellotape!

Has anybody seen Tony?

It must be great for the winning horse, though.

They spend the rest of their days on a stud farm, eating and banging.

Talking of studs, this guy is back in the news.

People are so excited here that someone's been sick.

# Ah, Bodyform

# Shaped for confidence

# Shaped for comfort

# Shaped for you... #

Have you heard the latest about Beckham?

Apparently, one in ten men would let Beckham sleep with their wife.

Of course you would. He's Becks.

You'd watch him shagging your wife, you'd start crying. "Sorry about this." "It's not that.

"Just remembering that free-kick against Greece.

"Fucking brilliant, Dave!"

That would be Beckham's biggest problem, trying to get rid of the husband, wouldn't it?

He's there having sex, you're like, "David?

"Can we have a kick around later?"

"Yeah, I don't see why not."

"David?" "Yes?" "What's better,

"being captain of England or winning the European Cup?"

"Well, that's a tricky question.

"Both, of course, you know,

"complete highlights in anyone's career.

"Listen, you better go and make yourself a cup of tea.

"I'm about to do something really freaky.

"I'm going to bring a whole new meaning to the phrase bend it like Beckham."

It's interesting. Who would you let your partner have sex with? Anyone?

-Mr Blobby.

-Mr Blobby? You don't...

Why Mr Blobby?

It'd be fun to watch.

Who said you were watching, you creepy...?

It's just them having a lovely moment - blobby, blobby, blobby, blobby.

And just you in the corner, dressed as Noel Edmonds?

I tell you who nobody would pick. Let's be honest.

No one's picking Rooney. Without a doubt. Do you know why?

You'd be too worried about the injury.

Mind the Achilles, Wayne!

Easy, Wayne. Just get on top, get on top!

It's a World Cup year, let's not risk it. Wayne, over there.

Nan, you've let yourself down.

Now, over in Thailand, the police a bit more light-hearted in their approach to crime.

That's right, they're using monkey police!

To help improve their relationship with the locals, police have employed a monkey.

Apparently, the pay is peanuts.

GROANING

I had to. It's one of those moments in life.

Anyone arrested would have a smile on their face.

In fact, monkeys would be the perfect ones to break bad news.

"I'm afraid your husband's missing." "No!

"This is the worst news I've ev... Ooh, is that a monkey?

"Look, he's peeling the 'nana with his feet!"

It's a wonderful idea. Monkeys, very tough on crime.

Talking of car crime, this week Southwark Council in London

has revealed some of the genuine excuses they've received from drivers

trying to escape motoring offences.

Here are my highlights. These are all real.

Number one...

Number two...

This, without doubt, is my favourite.

Quite how a bee distracts someone...

Well, you're aww-ing at the rabbits. Now...

You'll love this, then. This is the latest Cornish celebrity.

We have all heard of a horse-whisperers

and dog-whisperers, but now Cornwall has its very own rabbit-whisperer.

They have a rabbit-whisperer in Cornwall.

"Never mind the bloody election, there is a bloke in Truro what can make rabbits go to sleep!"

Good girl.

That's it, OK. OK.

I'm blowing on the nose,

just to calm her down.

Stop blowing on my nose!

You creepy bastard!

Now I bow, so she doesn't realise.

And then quietly leave her...

..down onto the table.

The rabbit goes into a complete state of relaxation which Cliff says allows

him to do things like cutting their claws and grooming them.

I love the fact that he hypnotises rabbits so he can clip their claws.

He's like the shittest superhero ever.

"You can travel through time? That's nothing. I am Rabbit Boy!"

"Watch his toenails disappear."

He can send rabbits to sleep, I bet he's got perverts ringing him 24/7.

"Hello, do you do sheep? Mine really kicks when I put a bra on it."

Is there anything weirder than hypnotising a rabbit? Well, yes.

There's a new craze in America for dogs.

We have all heard of yoga, but what about "doga"?

The pooch-friendly craze is the latest fad

sweeping the zen-seeking dog-lover's world.

That's right, dog yoga. Ridiculous!

Nobody wants to see their dog like this.

How much would that weird you out? Instead of barking, he's just going, "Omm..."

"Fetch the ball!" "me and the ball are already one."

Dogs don't need yoga to relax.

Here's my dog. That is me and Arch.

AUDIENCE: Awww!

Don't "aww" that beast.

To you know what that beast, that beast does to relax?

He shags my shoes, right?

The creepiest thing is, he watches me while he does it.

He doesn't concentrate on the shoes, he looks up.

I'm trying to watch the telly. He's like that.

"Go in the hall."

"No. You like an audience, I like an audience."

Honestly, he can't get enough of shoes.

If I took him to a Foot Locker, he'd probably rip his cock off.

The other day, I had to hurry him past a mosque.

Imagine explaining that. "All right, guys?

Having a good day?" And he's balls-deep in their sandals.

Dog yoga's ridiculous. Give them shoes.

If you're interested, look at the rest of the clip.

The dogs like it, they get stretched and massaged.

-The people like it because they are spending quality time with their animal.

-Stretch the dog?

Imagine the conversation - "What are you doing tonight?"

"Stretching the dog. What about you?"

"Well, since we're being honest, I think I might have a wank as well."

You think dog yoga's weird, look at this.

They're now making canine anti-depressants.

Exactly, why? Are dogs ringing the Samaritans?

"Hello."

HE WHINES

The other day, I barely had the energy to lick my own balls.

Dogs don't need Prozac.

They are naturally optimistic.

"They hang out with the homeless and they fucking love it.

You see them going, "This is brilliant!

"This is living! Boys on tour!

"Boys on tour! Look, a shoe! A shoe!"

You would never, ever see a tramp with a cat. Can you imagine that?

"Well, I think I can safely say you've fucked up both our lives."

"Mr Tiddles..." "Don't you Mr Tiddles me!"

"My mother warned me about you!"

"If you want me, I'll be burying my turds."

Some people say it's fine to give dogs drugs. I'm not so sure.

It could be worse. His owner took it and look what happened to him.

Now, this is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.

There's a mystery guest who has been in the news and I have to figure out who that person is.

So, please welcome my mystery guest.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello, mate.

-Hello.

How you doing?

-I've never met anyone like this.

-Well...

Can I come up and meet you?

-That'd be fun, wouldn't it?

-I am cleaning the windows.

-OK.

-Hey, Russell. How are you?

-I'm very well.

-All the better for meeting you.

-Yeah, take a seat.

I've never seen anyone as cool as you in my life.

You sure?

You're wearing red leather trousers and you've just climbed down a building.

And you're modest about it - "Yeah, that's the way I roll."

How old are you, if you don't mind me saying?

Ask to that girl and I'm sure she's going to tell you that I'm about 30.

And now you're hitting on women!

-No, I'm nearly 48.

-For 48, the way you leapt down there was incredible.

So why've you been in the news? Can you stop sitting like that?

Because I can't stop looking at your nuts.

Let's just cover them bad boys up.

Look at this, it looks a bit like Bill and Ben gone sexy.

So you don't even know why I am here tonight?

I've no idea.

-I am wearing red pants.

-You're wearing red pants.

-Yeah, I could be Iggy Pop or...

-You could be Iggy Pop.

I could. I'm not saying I am.

I love the fact that you're trying to deduce yourself.

OK, I am from the country of cheese.

-Of.. Of what?

-Cheese.

-Oh, cheese!

Come on!

Cheese!

-No, cheese.

-Yeah, I see.

Cheese, so it's France? You're from France?

-Yeah, I am from France.

-Excellent.

So what brings you to England?

-It's got something to do with buildings.

-You didn't see something on the news?

-Well, you see...

-Oh, you're not watching the news.

-You hate TV, right?

-I love TV.

-No, you hate TV.

-I hate TV!

Come on. You would know why I was in the news last week.

I didn't see. You know, I didn't.

Fuck.

I love the idea that whatever you were doing, there was part of you doing it for me.

I did climb something in Paris.

Oh, you climbed something? Is that why you're famous?

Well, I won't say that I am famous.

But I am a kind of superstar.

It's simply because you're not knowing my name! Shame on you!

-I invite you to show some videos.

-You've got videos of your work?

Yeah. It's kind of a funny work, you know.

# Spiderman, Spiderman Friendly neighbourhood Spiderman

# Wealth and fame, he's ignored

# Action is his reward

# To him, life is a great big bang-up

# Whenever there is a hang-up

# You'll find the Spiderman! #

-So, you're Spiderman?

-King Kong!

You're King Kong?

So did you climb all those buildings?

Yeah, of course. I have been climbing my whole life, you know?

-Since the age of 12 until now.

-I'm stunned for words.

Do use anything to help you when you're climbing, or is it just on your own?

-I am just using my fingers, my feet and my brain.

-Have you ever fallen?

Only from 15 metres.

"Only 15 metres."

-Any injuries?

-Yeah, a lot. So much.

From skull, from my wrist, my knees, my ankle, my nose many times.

Have you ever been climbing up and you've seen something in a window that maybe you shouldn't?

You know what I mean, kind of...

I can't tell you because the public is too young.

# Spiderman, Spiderman... #

It was naked girl and stuff like that...

I've got a mic, well done.

Have you ever had a normal job? Or was that too boring for you?

Were you working at Tesco and you think...

-I think my job is more normal than yours.

-I'd argue against that.

I saw you on TV and I saw the stuff that you're doing.

-It's kind of weird.

-Yeah...

Yeah, well, you're having your job and I'm having mine.

Do you know, it feels a bit like we're meeting in heaven.

We're on a cloud now. "So, what did you do with your life?"

"Climbed buildings. You?" "I talked bollocks on telly."

You're an inspiration, man. So why were you in the news this week in particular?

What did you do? There was obviously something I missed.

I did climb GDF in Paris just six days ago.

It's the third tallest building in Paris.

-So you're known as Spiderman?

-Yes.

What's your real name?

Oh. So, most of the people are knowing me as the French Spiderman.

In fact, my name is Alain Robert.

Alan Robert,

in English.

-You're probably my favourite mystery guest yet.

-OK, thank you very much.

Alain, aka the French Spiderman, it's been an absolute pleasure to meet you.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up.

LOUD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, bad news for Danish alcoholics.

A strike has ended in the Carlsberg brewery in Denmark.

The workers are trying to protect a time-honoured tradition - get this -

to be able to drink beers while working.

This is right. Carlsberg workers are striking because they're no longer allowed to get pissed at work.

Wouldn't you love to see that strike? "What do we want?" "Uhh..."

"When do we want it?" "I love you!"

Apparently, everyone in the factory was drinking.

Line workers, shift workers, the cleaners.

Even the Hoovers were at it.

# I was gonna clean my room, but then I got high

# My room is still messed up, and I know why

# Why, man?

# Because I got high, because I got high, because I got high. #

You should have seen him the morning after.

Henry!

Now, here is an amazing story about Vikki George and the wonderful website she's set up.

We feature kids on our website and they each have their own page with their story.

A lot of kids are fighting cancer or going through transplants.

We invite members to the public to log on and simply send a card, letter, gift or even a cheery e-mail.

Everyone likes getting something in the post,

but when you're sick and lonely it means even more.

I wasn't able to talk or communicate much.

And then the idea of the postcards came to me.

Megan was diagnosed with neuroblastoma,

which is a cancer, when she was six months old.

She had six months of chemotherapy and she had surgery to remove the tumour.

Unfortunately, the damage had already been done

and as a result she's now paralysed from the waist down.

Every day she has something come through.

I like getting cards when I'm in hospital cos they cheer me up.

Viks has made a huge difference when we've been through a really, really tough time.

And we're just one family out of many families.

There's just nothing better than knowing you've helped a sick child smile.

There you go. If you've got a spare five minutes,

send one of those kids a letter. Wasn't that great?

Make the world a little bit lighter.

The website is:

Go on, do it, it'll be ace. Thanks very much for watching,

it's been an absolute pleasure. Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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