Episode 1 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains strong language.

APPLAUSE

Hello. Thank you very much.

Hello! Welcome back to Good News.

Every week, I'll be scouring the news for weird and wonderful stories to make you laugh.

So, what does reporter John Craig want for his birthday?

A couple of big buts.

He cannot lie.

But what does he want those butts to do?

Wriggle, wriggle, wriggle.

I'm pretty sure someone spiked Glenn Beck's coffee.

Lawnmowers, that magically created 50 jobs!

GARBLES

But I love it when reporters lose it.

Staying and doing nothing is as heinous as doing it all.

It's just the most beautiful face you've ever seen.

Did you see Bill Clinton talking about his penis surgery?

I have to admit, I am stunned by the results.

There has been an 88% reduction.

Why the reduction, Jeremy?

Literally shagged-out, I suppose. Goodnight.

My favourite clip of the week has to be this. Nobody saw this coming.

With me is the organiser, who goes by the name of Oscar Mouse.

I'm assuming, Oscar, a made-up name.

Made-up name? No, my dad was a bastard.

So, obviously the big political story of the year

will be the General Election. But who to vote for?

Everywhere I go, people say the same thing to me.

Who are you?

You could go for Cameron.

If the next election is about

"let's not have a posh Prime Minister," I won't win it.

Damn right.

Jesus, have you seen his skin?

The man is so wrinkle-free,

I bet his scrotum looks like Amanda Holden's forehead.

God bless the Tories,

they genuinely thought this poster would bring success.

We disagreed. We took one look at it and we took the piss.

This, without doubt, was my personal favourite...

Or you could go for Gordon Brown.

Poor old Gordon. Look at that photo.

His face looks like Eeyore has had a prolapse.

They're always trying to make him smile.

Don't - look at it!

A smile doesn't belong on his face.

It's like seeing Marilyn Manson on a bouncy castle.

He really needs to ease up on using the word good.

-You got a job today?

-Yep.

-When do you start?

I'm going for my induction next week.

-Good. Good.

-Couple of weeks, I'll be starting work.

-Good.

-What?

-Gardening and cleaning work.

-Good. Good.

-What made the difference finding a job?

It just feels good to be getting back into work.

Good. Good. Good.

Did you have help from the JobCentre to get the job?

Looking for work advisors.

-Good. Good. And they're being good to you here?

-Yeah.

-That's good.

Did you see the recent Brown and Cameron interviews?

If he thinks I'm going to come bearing sweeties,

then he's in for a bit of a surprise.

He's about to face the biggest challenge of his career.

Yeah, you gave him a battering.

Do you have your own private loo?

Slam.

How childish is that? "Do you have special poo place?"

The questions, unbelievably, got even tougher.

When was last time you went to your supermarket?

Have you ever been a plonker?

It's just... It's so vapid.

What's frustrating, Brown could have won the nation so easily just by going,

"Piers, can you stop talking for a minute because

"every time you open your mouth I can smell Simon Cowell's dick."

High-fiving everyone in the studio.

It wasn't just Gordon.

Cameron faced the wrath of another media heavyweight.

X Factor or Strictly? Fish and chips or curry?

Coronation Street or EastEnders?

"Would you like a Scotch egg for a face or sausages for fingers?"

It's just so inane. What's Nick Clegg going to do?

Go on Loose Women?

"How big's your willy?" "When's the last time you did it?"

"Do you like blondes or brunettes?"

I tell you, he'd win my vote if he went on there with a hammer.

But then that's just me.

To be honest, I'd vote for any of them that shot this guy.

# Go compare! Go compare! #

Or pay a meerkat to do it.

This new advert today, we have the big fat "Go Compare man".

Lock and load, tubby.

Lock and load.

There have been some strange goings-on in the animal kingdom.

I think cats have got it in for us.

Oscar the cat, who lives in a nursing home in Rhode Island,

seems to have an uncanny knack for predicting

when patients are about to die.

A cat that predicts death, wow!

Mine just likes to lick his own arse.

Or scare me, the ginger bastard.

The other day I woke up with him on my face, terrifying.

I thought I'd gone down on Anne Robinson.

That is no way to wake up.

SCREAMS

What I want to know, how does Oscar predict their deaths?

Are there other cats going, "Fancy going through the bins?"

"In a minute.

"Pneumonia, cancer, strangle wank."

Good day to you, sir!

...five other cats. The two-year-old roams here on the third floor

of Steere House Nursing Home.

But unlike the others, or even the doctors...

He's been involved with the last 25 deaths we've had on the unit.

Involved?

They make him sound like a super villain.

Sat their in a swivel chair, just stroking a human.

"You're going to die, isn't that right, Sebastian?"

Yes!

He curls up just like this,

only on the beds of patients

who were are a couple of hours from passing.

Sidles up to old people and then they die.

Who was he in a previous life, this guy?

You wouldn't want your grandad living there.

Imagine the frantic calls. "What's wrong, Grandad?"

"I got to go, there's some killer pussy in my room."

"Ethel?"

He will only go and stay with patients that are about to die.

He will leave rooms, for example, when patients are not close,

even though we might perceive them to be close.

Imagine living there. Fuck off! Fuck off! Fuck off! Fuck off!

I'd be smearing everyone's pyjamas with Kitekat.

It isn't just moggies causing mayhem.

In Ohio there have been reports of bears in people's gardens.

The black bear was roaming through Tiny Merrison's back yard.

The operator asked which emergency,

I said, "They're in my woods here," and she says, "It's a black bear."

The best thing about this story is how they convey

the sheer terror of seeing a black bear in your garden.

This recreation identifies how witnesses say the bear escaped into the woods.

It's unbelievable, isn't it?

He can even climb trees.

Black bears can be on the ground, or can climb in trees.

It's so brilliantly shit.

Mind you, it isn't just in America that animals have gone wild.

Even here in Britain we're under siege.

It sort of jumps up at people and tries to peck them.

Chasing people with dogs, as you're walking along the street.

It goes for you with its beak and claws.

Oh, my God.

What kind of beast is this?

For weeks now, a rogue pheasant has been terrorising the people of Newsham.

Terrorising? What's he doing? Throwing his eggs at them?

"You looking at my plumage, bender?"

What did it do to you?

It kept coming back at me and pecking at me.

It took a bite out of this leg.

He had a knife. He had a knife.

He was probably on drugs.

Whacky baccy!

I shouldn't joke. I saw one in my garden last week.

So, evil cats, fake bears, terrorising pheasants.

You're probably thinking you can't top that. Guess again.

A feisty raccoon has bitten off a pervert's penis...

The good thing about that, you laughed on the first joke, listen to the second.

Can we play that VT again?

A feisty raccoon has bitten off a pervert's penis,

as he was trying to rape the animal.

Raccoon rape. I've been pissed in my time.

I've been horny. I've never looked at a rodent and thought,

"I'm going to tap that bitch."

"When I saw the raccoon, I thought I'd have some fun,"

he told stunned casualty surgeons in Moscow.

Now Russian plastic surgeons

are trying to restore his mangled manhood.

But how did they convey the sheer terror of seeing that on the news?

THEY LAUGH JEER

HE SCREAMS

Wouldn't it be hilarious if he was in the waiting room

in casualty and this programme came on?

The Raccoons.

Come to think of it, his rod probably looks like Cyril Sneer's nose.

Bloggers have been outraged.

To be honest, I'm with this guy.

What kind of people his friends that they would let him

rape a poor defenceless raccoon, and not even videotape it.

Now, did you see this?

A female motorist has had an amazing escape

after her car became attached to a truck's bumper.

It was unbelievable. Did you see the mobile phone footage?

DISTORTED VOICES

This was the A1 in Yorkshire. Incredibly, nobody was hurt.

Even more incredibly, I've got footage from inside the lorry.

MUSIC PLAYS

I joke, of course.

Have you seen what the National Trust have been up to this week?

So proud are they of their fresh air

here at the Stourhead Estate in Wiltshire,

the National Trust has gathered hundreds of jars of the stuff

and taken it to London to impress the stressed-out city population.

They're giving away jars of country air to stressed city workers.

I'd love to see that. Country air...

Mmmmm, incest!

Mmmm, casual racism!

Mmmmm, dogging!

Have you seen the experts discussing it?

If you look closely, I think she might be sniffing her hair.

You can smell spring and summer coming,

and it is a very peaceful place whatever the weather.

What I don't get, how can you relieve stress with a jar of air?

I know, I booked it! Prague! Prague!

It's going to be mental, mate.

Mental. Mental, mental, chicken oriental.

Don't talk to me about...

Yeah, wehay!

This guy's had a belter of a week.

Bus driver Kevin Halstead isn't picking up passengers today.

But he is picking up a cheque for £2.3 million

after winning the lottery.

This is the incredible story reported in the Sun that:

Yeah, exactly. Have you seen what his plans are?

Kevin's determined not to let the money change him.

After taking a couple of weeks off,

he'll be back driving his bus on the 125 from Preston to Bolton.

Not going to change him? Bollocks.

Imagine him driving that bus.

# The wheels on the bus go wherever they want

# Wherever they want wherever they want

# The wheels on the bus go wherever they want

# I'm a millionaire. #

Why do they always say, "It will never change me?"

I want it to change them. I want to see them buying mad stuff.

I want some loopy son of a bitch going, "First things first,

"I'm going to get my dog gold teeth, right,

"then I'm going to give him a boob job, right?

"Then I'm going to get my boss a massive cake, made of shit.

"Then, I'm going to buy a racehorse called I Love Anal,

"just to hear women shout it at Ascot."

That's what we want - nutters!

Don't you just love it when people celebrate properly?

That's the end of the race and I can tell you,

certainly, that neither have won so...

We think the winner was...

< Yes! Yes! Yes!

< I've just won a shitload of money!

Somebody is vey happy. Apologies if you managed to pick up on that.

A local person. He didn't back the two favourites.

He's obviously extremely happy here.

Yes!

He might need a police escort on the way home, I should think,

there aren't too many other people feeling the same way he has.

Lots of bizarre education stories about.

Did you see this school in Australia?

A primary school has found itself

at the hub of one of the city's most densely-packed red-light districts.

It's surrounded by a dozen brothels and sex shops.

The Education Department admits there's little it can do.

Incredible. I tell you what,

the kids will never forget the day they lost their virginity.

They'll have a receipt.

Sex shops outside a school?

What did we have outside ours?

Imagine the school trips, just them in assembly.

"We went to Tina's Tit Pit.

And we saw all sorts of klunge.

"My favourite person was a lady called Destiny,

"but I am not sure she understood the rules of ping pong."

This is my favourite bit of the news coverage.

There are five massage parlours,

five brothels and three adult bookshops.

And you've shown the kids exactly where they are.

This story isn't that surprising.

Australians are pretty dirty.

They've even made computer games look sexual.

Is this going to come back to haunt us?

Help me. Do we need to...?

-Here it comes! Here it comes!

-Go that way.

Nice!

Talking of sex, great news for underage players.

Johnnies for 12 year olds? What are they going to do?

Flavour them?

Mmm, Ribena.

"That's right, baby doll, and it's tooth-kind."

Are they going to put cartoons on them? "Oi, darling.

"Let's see if you can find Nemo.

"There he is, he's gone again.

"There he is, he's gone again.

"Watch out, he's a bottom feeder."

How are they going to buy them, anyway? Ask an adult?

It's a brave man that struts into a shop and goes,

"A packet of your finest child-sized condoms.

"I've got a horny 12 year old outside, and he's ready to go."

This isn't the weirdest sheath story of the week.

There is talk of JLS bringing out a condom!

Is it true, that you are going to promote your own brand of condoms?

I read that in the papers so I have to ask. Obviously, extra large.

Extra large? Not really.

Anyone can get fit the letters JLS on their wang.

It's not as if it's Englebert Humperdink!

Christ! You'd need a rod like ET's finger.

Celebrity condoms are a nightmare.

I tried the Luke Skywalker one, rubbish.

My knob glowed green and I tried to shag my sister.

JLS condoms? What next?

Robert Pattison on Tampons?

Get in there, you vampire son of a bitch.

You'll feast tonight!

Strange news from Italy.

The Reverend Gabriele Armorth made headlines around the world

when he said the devil was present in the Vatican.

Satan, living in the Vatican?

I wonder how they'll show that on the news.

This is the Vatican's chief exorcist, Gabriele Armorth.

Don't be surprised that the devil tempts those in the Vatican.

That's his job.

His job? It's the ultimate get out of jail card, isn't it?

"I've done a bad thing. Bloody devil."

Did you see the quote from the chief exorcist?

Do you reckon he's on the floor praying

and a voice just goes, "Not the first time you've been on your knees.

"Gobble gobble!"

Just floating porn mags in the air, woooh.

Actually, they're priests, so it's probably kids' shoes.

If you're offended by that joke, it wasn't me, it was the devil.

Now, sometimes it's hard to know what's going on in a baby's head. Are they bored?

Are they surprised?

"I was sat down, I'm now on the wall.

"Next to Fred."

Or are they just angry?

Well, worry no more because the iPhone has come up trumps.

It's called to the Cry Translator. It's simple to use.

When your baby begins to cry,

you open the application, you hold it near your baby.

Press start and it will begin to analyse your baby's cry.

Do we really want to know what babies are thinking?

They haven't developed any social skills. What if they're really rude?

The kid goes, "WAA!"

The iPhone goes, "Oi! Tits! Here! Now!

"You heard me. Floppers out!

"Yes, Dad? Problem?

"Jog on. Where do you think you're going, Jugs?"

"That's what I'm talking about!"

What if they're surprisingly profound? "Why are you crying?"

And the iPhone's like, "Because, Mother, it's 2010.

"And the world is still living in crippling poverty.

"And I've soiled myself."

Maybe the translator isn't a good idea.

That said, I would love to know what these babies were thinking.

What a party.

I am having a b...oh, my God.

Oh, no, no, don't! Oh, God.

Mother, a taxi. We are leaving.

Where in the hell is this crazy white woman taking my ass?

She got veins on her arm like a goddamn crack-whore.

Gee...

I think the Cry Translator will be popular,

but it's not my favourite baby app. Not by a long shot.

You think the baby translator is strange,

look at this invention from Sweden.

You're probably thinking, "Great idea, I'm a walking disco!" Wrong.

What if you're walking past a kid's playground and suddenly...

# I'm horny, horny, horny, horny... #

Out of nowhere, a funeral procession goes by...

# Another one bites the dust... #

A bloke walks past with a guide dog.

# I can see clearly now the rain has gone... #

You're outside a shelter for abused wives.

# Hit me, baby, one more time... #

What a day. What a fucking day.

Now, the biggest story in sport at the moment is definitely this.

Superstar soccer player David Beckham has suffered...

..A serious Achilles injury...

..In AC Milan's 1-0 win.

Can you describe this what you saw?

Beckham's Achilles tendon snapped. Ouch.

But he won't recover in time to play in South Africa.

There's been worldwide hysteria, but every man in Britain went,

"Thank God it wasn't Rooney!"

Watching Rooney at the moment is like watching Bambi

walk across a minefield.

Don't get hurt, Wayne, don't get hurt!

Oh, he's made it!

So Beckham won't be playing, but all is not lost.

He might be out injured, but David Beckham

could be going to the World Cup after all.

Fabio Capello has asked the former captain

to travel with the squad to South Africa.

Not playing and still going all that way? Surely he'll get bored.

Just sat in the dugout. "Oi, Fabio.

"Fabio. Fabio!

"Do you know than an anagram of Nelson Mandela is send melon anal?"

" # Lonely

" # I'm so lonely. # "

I think it's a great idea. I say we use him for sabotage.

Just as the opposition are about to kick off

he strips to his pants and sits with their WAGS.

"All right, girls?"

Or failing that he could play his wife's music outside their hotel.

Imagine that? "Ah! No!

"It's sounds like a fox fucking a bagpipe."

Or he could get a fox to do that. That might work.

Although if he had those powers I doubt he'd be playing football.

"Watch me control the animals."

That would really change Springwatch.

"Behold.

"I am the necromancer."

Not everyone's concerned with Beckham's injury.

Arsene Wenger is still struggling with Hollyoaks.

It is difficult to understand, but maybe I'm not intelligent enough.

Did you hear that massive cheer across the country last week?

All caused by this.

I have good news if you struggle at the gym,

you like a few beers and you prefer a juicy doner kebab

to anything remotely healthy.

It seems a certain Miss Cheryl Cole has had it with the six-pack.

Yes, this is the amazing story that Cheryl Cole

fancies pot-bellied blokes.

Imagine the front row of the next Girls Aloud concert.

Just a load of fat men dancing next to teenage girls.

It'll be like Thailand.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

It will, man. Wouldn't it be great if Cheryl starts cruising buffets?

Wouldn't that be fantastic? "You, over there.

"You've had three plates.

"Put the rest in a doggy bag and get in my van."

There's just a load of other fat men in the van.

"Where's she taking us?" "Eat your pies.

"You're going to need your strength."

"Wait till I get you back to Cheryl's love palace."

We know that Cheryl likes the big fellas.

I can't wait to see her next single.

MUSIC PLAYS

I tell you, this man's the man for me.

If you've never seen Good News before, what I like do,

I take the piss and then at the end of the show

I like to show you a story that makes you

feel better about the world. And here it is.

When Finlay Lomax suffered a stroke after his premature birth,

doctors feared he faced the rest of his life in a wheelchair.

That prediction seemed ominously accurate

until the arrival of an unlikely source of inspiration.

Ming-Ming the duck is getting the credit for inspiring Finlay

to take his first steps at the age of four.

Finlay's mum says she'd almost given up hope until

the baby bird landed in their lives with a damaged leg of his own.

When Ming-Ming came into our lives with a splayed leg,

and needed his own little casting,

like Finlay usually has his cast on, Finlay's kind of able to

see himself in the duck and I've used the information that the physios have

given me on Finlay on the duck,

so Finlay has seen it like a third person rather than being that person.

Now Finlay's on the move and confounding the doctors,

who said he'd never stand on his own two feet.

Ming-Ming the duck has had the affection

of his newfound family and a comfy home of his own.

Properly wonderful. There you go.

Hope you enjoyed the show. It's been an absolute pleasure.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

Mwah. Fucking champion!