Episode 2 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Thank you. Thank you.

Hey! Welcome to Good News.

Every week, I'll be going upstairs and downstairs to find stories that make you laugh. First things first.

Adam Boulton's turned into a rapper.

This does rep-rep-represent...

Check it!

It's all going down at Sky.

Have you seen what they get paid?

Sex and biscuits.

That's quite nice. Blowjob and a Custard Cream.

Yum yum.

What do you make of that, Eamonn?

Very sad, and rather grubby.

I'll tell you what, it's easy to get lost in the White House.

Tonight, after nearly 100 years...

What a week he's had.

Passes the healthcare bill, reduces nuclear weapons.

Well done, Obama. Sorry?

Mr Long-Legged Mac Daddy.

Did you see this shocking article from the Times?

Did you see who wrote it?

APPLAUSE

So, the BA strike rumbles on.

The four-day walkout by cabin crew continues into its third day.

Despite political pressure from Gordon Brown and David Cameron this weekend,

both BA and the union Unite have yet to schedule talks

to try to end the dispute over pay and conditions.

You should have heard my dad. "Pay and conditions?

"Anyone can hand out peanuts".

And my mum genuinely went, "I tell you who couldn't - Abu Hamza."

"He'd be rubbish. 'Do you want a peanut? You've dropped it, Abu.' "

The problem the strikers have got, firemen on strike - trouble.

Nurses on strike - trouble.

BA on strike - easyJet.

The BA staff are angry with chief executive Willie Walsh.

The trouble is, when I heard them chanting this:

Willie, Willie, Willie, out, out, out!

That's exactly what I did, right.

Giggling, naked in front of the telly, and then it dawned on me.

I miss my girlfriend.

And I need some curtains.

I'm not sure the strike will work.

Let's be honest - we don't listen to the cabin crew when we're on the plane.

"Excuse me, sir, you have to turn your phone off, it could bring down the plane." Bollocks.

If that were true, why have I never heard a suicide bomber going,

"Everybody get down, or I swear to God I'll text my mum!"

So, who has been in trouble down under?

Hamilton had apparently performed a burnout, followed by a fishtail,

right in front of police.

He was pulled over by Victoria Police, charged with improper use of a vehicle.

As if Australians will care.

They have a fairly relaxed attitude to health and safety.

"Don't surf cars."

You've just shown me exactly how to do it!

So, what's been happening?

Today, there's been one Budget measure that's getting people fired up.

-It's the surprise 10% duty hike on cider.

-Cider.

-Cider.

-Cider.

-Singing cider.

-Cider.

-Cider.

-Cider.

-Cider.

-Cider.

-Cider.

-Cider.

-Cider.

-Cider.

-Cider.

-Cider. Sleeping cider.

If you drank that lot for £1.99, you'd be completely smashed.

I haven't known anger like this in the West Country since - well, ever.

To be honest, you can't be angry with an accent like that.

-IN WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:

-"I'm absolutely livid.

"Don't laugh, you lot, I've just been burglarised."

It's true, check out this guy.

And now they've put the price of cider up as well.

They're taking the... They're having a laugh, aren't they?

They're having a laugh!

It's like he's going to go, "You may take our lives, but you'll never take our pasties!

"Ginsters!"

Apparently, cider's gone up in price because it makes you fight.

Ridiculous. How does cider make you violent?

My uncle drinks it, and he finishes every single sentence with "All right, my lover?"

What's he going to do, cuddle me to death?

If you tax cider, people will turn to home brew, and that stuff is vicious.

You could forget how to walk.

It can make you run into walls.

You can even convince yourself you're an Olympic diver.

When Joe Biden whispered something indiscreet in the President's ear,

the president was deeply offended.

The president, that is, of the No-Cussing Club.

I was really, really disappointed

that the Vice President of the whole United States said this.

17-year-old McKay Hatch is on a mission to clean up America's language.

The California teen has written songs.

# Don't cuss, don't cuss. #

He's printed posters, published a book.

Now he's sending the Vice President a T-shirt and a cuss jar.

I think I speak for everyone in this room when I say what a BLEEP-ing BLEEP.

Ridiculous.

What's the point of being a teenager and not swearing?

It's like having a couple of hours in your house alone and not putting

your willy between your legs and pretending to be a lady.

We've all been there.

Don't act like you've not done it.

Brilliant, isn't it? You're like, "Ooh, look.

"I would, I would, I would shag you.

"Look at you, I'd shag you.

"I'm a lady. I'm a bulldog. I'm a lady! A bulldog.

"How long have you been there, Mum?"

"Long enough.

"Do you want to see my impression of a man?" "No!"

A ban on swearing has left some people quite upset.

I'm so pissed off right now, I had to put some fucking pants on.

Swearing lets off steam. Have you heard the kid's alternative?

If someone kicks you in the shin

when you're wrestling around with your brothers, what do you yell out?

Er, Farfegnugen.

-What?

-Farfegnugen.

That sounds like something Hitler would shout during a tricky shit.

"You all right, Adolf?" "Farfegnugen!"

What's on this kid's iPod? "Farfegnugen, I won't do what you tell me!

"Farfegnugen, I won't do what you tell me!"

It's ridiculous. There's nothing wrong with swearing, right, Stephen?

The sort of twee person who thinks swearing is in any way a sign

of a lack of education or a lack of verbal interest

is just fucking lunatic.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

A school in Worcestershire has been criticised for staging

the mock shooting of a teacher as part of a role-play session.

Children burst into tears when they thought a teacher

had been shot on the school field,

but the re-enactment was just part of a science lesson.

Holy shit.

They pretended to shoot a teacher because they were doing a science lesson.

What do they do for RE, nail a kid to a cross?

"Next, kids, history. Now, Henry VIII was quite the womaniser.

"And to demonstrate, I'm going to eat some chicken here while Mrs Martin...

"'Hello!' ..gives me a blowjob.

"Now suck my royal dick."

Most of the pupils cottoned on pretty quickly to what was happening.

And the ones that didn't shat themselves.

They were taken into the school assembly hall.

It was explained to them what had happened and the supposed victim,

Mr Kent, was brought on to a great standing ovation.

If those kids weren't hysterical when he was shot, they'll be cacking it when he reappears.

"Hello!" "Aaagh!

"Mr Kemp's a zombie!"

Have you heard about the latest UN ambassador?

Geri Halliwell famously became a UN ambassador back in the '90s.

Another star is following in her footsteps,

becoming a goodwill ambassador too.

R&B singer Craig David will be speaking on tuberculosis.

Yes, this is the news that Craig David is the new UN ambassador for tuberculosis.

Poor bastards. As if they're not suffering enough.

The worst thing is, they'll be too weak to tell him to fuck off.

How's he going to raise awareness for TB, sing about it?

# I met this girl with TB on Monday

# Unfortunately she died on Tuesday

# But we was making love by Wednesday

# And on Thursday and Friday and Saturday! #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

# I was in jail on Sunday. #

Wouldn't it be rough if he went over to South Africa and they went, "You're not Craig David.

"Where's your kestrel, and what happened to your big wobbly jaw?"

So, how is Craig David going to get the message across?

The possibility of saving people's lives through my voice of music

is why I'm here today.

Obviously in my concerts, I can show montages and footage.

As if the gig isn't bad enough! "That was a crap song.

"Before the next crap song, here's some people dying."

It's all going down in the world of music.

R&B legend Akon has been banned from Sri Lanka.

People got so upset about an upcoming Akon show in Sri Lanka,

they started throwing stones.

They're upset because they say the singer has desecrated

an image of Buddha in one of his music videos.

You don't want to piss off Buddhists. I've seen their monks, and they are rock-hard.

Amazing. You don't get that on Songs of Praise.

Akon has been banned from Sri Lanka for having a video of girls dancing in front of a giant Buddha.

I was surprised. Buddha looks like the kind of guy who'd love that.

Look at him!

This is my theory. I don't think the Buddhists were angry about the video.

I just think they think his music's shit.

HIGH PITCH: # Lonely, I'm so lonely

# I have nobody for my own, ooh! #

That's not music, it sounds like Orville being fingered.

I hate mainstream R&B. Every video's the same, some dead-eyed woman bogling in front of a car.

And it's all so arrogant, it's all just bragging.

-RAPS:

-"I pull out my wang, I stick it in my honey, I bang her ass on a big bed of money.

"She comes 50 times, I'm a hot romancer.

"While she sucks my dick, I make a cure for cancer."

Well, we can't connect with that.

I hate it. I can't connect with that.

Why do we never see insecure rappers?

-RAPS:

-"I don't like guns or knives and shit, I can't talk to women, let alone commit.

"I crap my pants when I start performing.

"I worry every night about global warming."

Now, I love doing this show, because I get to say things like this out loud.

Did you hear the story about the vegan who went to a shop and started stabbing meat?

An Indiana man goes on a bizarre rampage at a supermarket,

apparently in the name of vegetarianism.

This 911 call was placed as Anthony Kaufmann ran down the meat aisle with a hunting knife.

I bet they thought that was a prank call.

"A sausage stabber in the meat aisle?

"Oh, he's got a huge weapon, has he?

"Very funny, pervert, very funny."

He reportedly told employees he was on a mission from God,

and that he was trying to save little girls from eating beef,

a meat he blames for making them fat.

Here's a story you don't see every day.

In their twilight years,

these pensioners look anything but dangerous.

However, when their combined savings of 2.5 million euros

were lost in risky investments, they took it out on their financial adviser.

Took it out? They kidnapped him and beat him up.

Unexpectedly, this is the ringleader, 74-year-old Roland Manfred Key.

We shouldn't laugh.

But did you see the financial adviser's quote?

The trouble is, when I heard about this story, I couldn't help but imagine this.

MUSIC: "Little Green Bag" by George Baker Selection

You have no idea how many looks you get when you film that during the day.

Luckily, the financial adviser escaped.

Eventually, the banker managed to send a message to call the police, who stormed the address.

Again, another choice quote:

Fear not, though, these evil biddies have been put away.

Roland Manfred Key was given a six-year prison sentence. His friend got four years.

But the group has achieved notoriety in Germany.

They're now known in the media as the Pensioner Gangsters.

They don't muck around with nicknames in Germany.

-IN GERMAN ACCENT:

-"What shall we call these pensioners who are gangsters?

"The Pensioner Gangsters."

So we've had meat mutilation in America and pensioner gangsters in Germany.

What's been happening here in the UK?

I can't wait to see this on Crimewatch, just a blacked-out Henry.

"It was awful.

"He made me have a threesome with a Dyson."

My favourite bit of the story was the reason why the Sun suggested he took the hoover.

Maybe the copper was trying to rescue Henry from the squalor of a drugs den.

Then again, maybe Henry loved it.

# I was going to clean my room Until I got high

# My room is still messed up And I know why

# Because I got high, because I got high, because I got high... #

Now, this is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.

There's going to be a mystery guest who's been in the news, and I have to figure out who that person is.

So please welcome my mystery guest.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Nice to meet you. What's your name?

-Buddy Ward.

-Buddy Ward, nice to meet you.

Don't take this the wrong way, but instantly, I'm thinking cider.

-Cider?

-Yeah, because cider's been in the news...

-Are you trying to say I'm a pisshead?

-No, I'm not.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So why have you been in the news this week?

You want to know why?

I would love to know why?

LAUGHTER

MUSIC: "Bad To The Bone" by George Thorogood

Well, suddenly all the things I did earlier...

-Why I've been in the news this week is because I'm 75 years old...

-Are you?

I'm going to be the oldest wrestler ever to wrestle,

and it's going in the Guinness Book of Records.

On Saturday night this week

at Ellesmere Port Civic Hall, my own home town.

-Do you want to be the referee?

-I'd love to be the referee.

-Who are you fighting?

-Johnny Saint. Have you heard of Johnny Saint?

I haven't, but I've seen him on the bus.

What are you frightened of?

Johnny Saint and you. Can I be in your corner?

I'd like that. That'd be fun.

Bit of water, Werther's. Bit of water, Werther's.

Don't, don't, don't!

Don't beat me up.

Look, everyone wants to see you beat me up.

Do you want to see me beat him up?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

-Come on.

-Come on.

-You've got to wait for the cameras to come on.

-Oh.

-There's one over there.

-What do your family make of this?

-They think I'm crackers.

-Do they?

-Does your wife come to watch you?

-Which one?

-OK.

-Six wives.

-You've got six wives?

-Had six wives, yes.

-And your current wife, does she come and watch you?

-I've never wrestled in 31 years.

-Wow, so this is your first time?

-First time in 31 years.

-What made you come out of retirement?

I was shaving myself on New Year's Eve...

A wonderful start to any story.

-God, I love you.

-And...

-Of course, and?

-I thought, "Why not wrestle at Ellesmere Port Civic Hall on this Easter Saturday?"

So it's where, exactly? Say it again so we can get people to come and watch you.

Ellesmere Port Civic Hall on Saturday 3rd April, which is this week.

-This week. There will also be a raffle.

-A raffle, yes.

-How do you know that?

-I just imagine.

There'll be a raffle, yes, for the lifeboats.

-And there'll be party games, won't there?

-Yes.

And you're going to be the referee?

I'm going to be the referee.

And I'm going to be dressed in a mankini.

APPLAUSE AND WHOOPING

Can I look at your cape? It's got to be a good job where you get to go to work wearing a cape.

It has your full name here. It says Buddy Ward...

-Show them.

-All right.

But then I can't read it.

Why haven't you got a wrestler name? You can't call yourself Buddy Ward.

It sounds a bit porn-starry to me.

You know?

BUDDY'S WORDS INAUDIBLE OVER APPLAUSE

We need an updated name.

Can I give you a new name?

-Yeah, if you want to.

-With the help of the audience, let's give him a new wrestler name. We need a first.

-The Pensioner Gangster.

-The Pensioner Gangster.

-Hoodie Killer.

-I quite like that.

-That's a good one.

-Wrinkly Muscle?

-The Wrinkly Muscle.

That feels like it. That's it, man.

That is your name.

Look at that. Buddy Ward, the Wrinkly Muscle.

Good luck. Everyone, please give it up for Buddy Ward,

aka the Wrinkly Muscle!

Check this out from Denmark.

This is kind of sick.

A Danish artist admits to being bored

when she decided to take some photographs of her baby daughter.

Bloody hell, yet another baby photo.

If you've seen one, you've seen 'em all.

She dressed her baby up as Hitler.

Imagine peeking in that pram!

"What a lovely...fucking hell!"

Wait, he's just learnt his first word!

"Genocide."

Come to think of it, her pram must have looked like this.

I think it's risky dressing your baby like that.

God forbid, what if your baby was kidnapped? "What was she wearing? Um...

"Have you ever seen Dad's Army?"

Or maybe she went "What was she wearing? Just a nappy.

"But between you and me, they look like the kind of sick bastards that would dress a baby like Hitler!"

It wasn't just the Fuhrer, the artist dressed her daughter up in other costumes.

There was Saddam Hussein.

There was Josef Stalin.

And there was Idi Amin.

Now, have you heard the unusual way Taiwan is trying to boost its population?

Taiwan basically wants a slogan to get people making babies.

Here are my suggestions.

Do you reckon there's someone in Taiwan going...

-IN STRANGE ACCENT:

-"Hmm, I'm not so sure about those, Russell.

"Really not sure, and if I was considering

"doing this voice in a comedy show, I probably wouldn't do it,

"because people get weirded out, don't they?

"I mean, I know it sounds like me, you know it sounds like me, but they don't."

If you do a Welsh accent, no problem, but if you do mine, everybody's awkward,

which makes them the racists.

Slogans are rubbish.

What they want to do is have a sexy advert like Marks & Spencer.

Christ, every time their food ad comes on the telly, so do I.

It's unbeliev... "Oh, profiteroles!

"Mum, turn the telly off!"

The most impressive invention of this week is probably this.

He's a plumber, but he clearly has a lot of time on his hands.

So you think this is just a normal direct bike scooter?

No, this one's had a bit of...

Which gives it a bit of this!

I bet when he sees a traffic warden, he's like, "All right, mate, pull my finger."

It's pretty impressive, but you can hardly imagine 007 on a moped.

"You must sneak in unheard, James."

HE MIMICS MOPED ENGINE

He'd be the scummiest Bond ever.

"Your codename is Argos, and your contact in Berlin will be called Poundsaver.

"When you meet her, you'll say, 'I hear N-Dubz' new album is da shit.'

"She'll reply, 'Innit, though?'

"But Bond, you'll need a witty one-liner.

" 'I've already got one - you drive like I need a blowjob. Badly.' "

What's great about this story is that the papers at the beginning

were like, "Look at this, it's incredible!"

Then on Wednesday, this article appeared.

Here is a beautiful story about Mick O'Doherty, who heard about the children of Manila

who earn their living picking through rubbish,

and took it upon himself to build them a safe place to play.

When the children arrive on the playground for the very first time,

their smiles say it all.

For Mick, what started out as a good idea has turned into an emotionally charged personal mission.

In sweltering heat, surrounded by pain and suffering,

Mick has created an oasis of happiness.

On the first day I rolled up on the dumpsite, I couldn't believe my eyes.

What was in front of me, it was another planet.

But out of that sort of deprivation

is these happy, happy people.

I sort of lost my wife when I was 29, and of course,

that had a big impact.

And this is the sort of thing that something like this does to you.

You know, it's life-changing.

For Mick, coming here was a personal mission.

He knew he could never change this world.

Instead, this world has changed him.

He leaves behind a legacy that will help and inspire generations.

Thank you!

There you go. A little bit of loveliness.

I hope you enjoyed the show. See you later.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]