Episode 1 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you.

Hello.

And welcome to series three of Good News. I'll tell you what, this show is

really popular in the Philippines.

'Next, Russell Howard's Good News.'

Whoa, Whoa, steady on, guys.

I'm just a man. So what's been going on whilst we've been away?

I think Jeremy Thompson's been putting it about.

It's sore but I should survive.

Kay Burley has been scaring old ladies.

It is in fact still locked and that's why all of the...

Let's have a look at that again.

Not everyone's scared of Burley. This old guy really put her in her place.

We're almost out of time, Harry,

but I wonder what it's like being interviewed on live telly.

-Have you ever had that happen to you before?

-Yes.

"Yes, I have." And finally a new sperm bank has opened in Dublin.

It was supposed to add a little bit of jizz to the economy.

Now, the biggest news of the week - the Chilean miners are free.

MUSIC: "The Boys Are Back In Town" by Thin Lizzy

It's so lovely, isn't it? It's a genuinely wonderful story.

My favourite miner without doubt was Super Mario.

THEY CHANT

He's incredible. Did you see what he said at the press conference?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Isn't that amazing? "Hey, Mario. Do you want to talk about your ordeal?"

"No. I want to bang my wife until she cannot walk."

"This is one Mario who doesn't need mushrooms to get big.

"Hey, hey!"

To be honest, not all of them were as keen as Mario to get out.

Yonni Barrios, the 50-year-old, has both his wife waiting for him,

and, would you believe, his mistress.

His wife found out about the affair when she spotted another woman

clutching a picture of him at the San Jose mine.

"You guys go ahead. I like it down here!"

He's fine now. He's moved in with his mistress, and judging by this quote, she's pretty keen on him.

"How much do you love me, darling?" "This much..."

"I would have just accepted a hug!" Now, do you know what was fascinating?

While they were down there, they formed a mini society and took on various jobs.

Some of the men have taken on roles such as doctor or poet.

Poet?

That's what you need when you're down there, isn't it?

They're all sat there terrified in the dark and there is a guy

down there going, "Hey guys, there once was a man from Chile, he fell and his -" shut up!

We're so scared.

Another minor was a massive Elvis fan.

Apparently he sang to lift their spirits.

I'll tell you what, you'd be pissed off if he did Suspicious Minds.

# Caught in a trap. # Everybody!

# I can't walk out. #

Now they're free their lives have changed forever.

The 33 miners have been offered a free holiday in Greece.

They've been invited as guests of Man U and Real Madrid to a home game,

they're each getting £6,000 from a local businessman,

an iPod from Apple and they've been promised free sushi for a year.

Holiday - "yay"! Ipod - "yay"! Sushi?

"Everybody knows I am a Nando's guy."

It isn't just gifts.

There's talk of the silver screen.

But with such extraordinary drama,

there is little wonder that Hollywood can see the potential.

Already a film has been talked about as a certainty.

I've actually seen a sneak preview.

# And if one green bottle should accidentally fall...

MINERS JOIN IN: # There'll be 999,999, 999... #

Maybe it isn't an action film. Maybe it's a modern-day bro-mance.

-Hey, Miguel?

-Si?

I wish I knew how to quit you.

It wasn't all good news this week, certainly not for students.

Graduates could face debts of more than £30,000

if new recommendations are put in place.

A major review said universities in England should be able to charge unlimited fees.

How unfair is that - £30,000 is a lot of money.

Talk about creating a divide - they may as well go to school with a big stamp - oh,

you're from a wealthy background with loving parents, university.

Oh, you live on an estate and have to live on bog roll, Poundland.

Going to Uni should be based on intelligence, not wealth.

If you make it this expensive the only people going

will be posh kids, kids so rich they make Boris Johnson sound like Dappy from N-Dubz.

He's like - ahh, lagh!

I have no idea what you're saying, mate, you sound like a lion that's had a stroke.

Today's review says the current cap on annual fees at just under £3,300 should be scrapped

and universities should be allowed to charge as much as they like.

So the best unis can charge what they want.

And what's left for the rest of us? Budget unis, and nobody wants to go here.

"Hello, my name's Chantelle.

"I'll be your guest lecturer. Today's lesson will be quantum - puh-isics.

"Cheeky. What goes up must come down - reminds me of a Spanish bloke I met.

"He's from Barcelona. He wouldn't leave my arse alona.

"Thank you, thank you.

"Questions will cost a pound."

It won't just be easyUni, there'll be Lidl Uni, Ryanuni, before you

know it, TV will be full of adverts like this.

Got no money, want a degree?

Get down to Dave's Crazy Cut-Price Looney Uni.

Maths degree? £3.99.

Amazing. English degrees?

£2.99. Unbelievable.

Media degrees. Five for a pound.

Shit the bed!

Forget the rest. Join the best. Can they do this at Cambridge?

-I want to be a doctor.

-No problem.

DING!

We want to be an astronaut.

Piece of piss.

-I want to be a dancer.

-Don't mind if I do.

The prices are so low you'll think I'm mad.

But I'm not mad, it was never proven, it wasn't a real doctor.

You home is at risk if you do not keep up repayments on your education.

Dave will send the boys round and take anything of value after punching you very hard in the face.

Now, gentlemen, get ready for some fantastic health news.

It is the health breakthrough you have been dreaming of -

staring at a woman's chest will lead to a longer life.

Ladies, you may think it's nonsense. It's true.

I'm 602 years old.

I love the response of the local men.

Are you willing to follow this regimen?

I have been for many years.

This is without doubt my favourite reaction.

So we stare at boobs, we going to live longer.

-What do you think about that?

-I think that's a wonderful idea.

It's a great excuse for men.

"Are you staring at another girl's chest?"

"Yes, I am because I don't want you to be alone when you're old.

"In fact, just to make sure I make it to 80, I'm going to give them a quick squeeze.

"You'll thank me later. You all right, madam?"

Remarkably, they don't just make you live longer.

Researchers claim just ten minutes of gawking is on par with a 30-minute intense work-out.

Dolly Parton's husband must be built like a brick shit-house.

So if men look at girls' boobs, it's good for us.

What if it works the other way around?

AUDIENCE GROANS

Well, apparently not!

Now, incredibly, it isn't just boobs that are good for you. Check out this invention.

It's lingerie that can save your life.

The emergency bra, as it's called, doubles as a gas mask,

with each cup providing a fast way to protect yourself and someone in need.

Taking bras off can save lives.

I know what you're thinking.

I think that's a wonderful idea.

Teenage boys are going to praying for a gas attack.

"Dear Osama, can you gas our school so we can see Marie's tits?"

I tell you what, I hope there isn't one when I am around my nan's. I'd rather die.

"I can smell anthrax, don't worry, Russ, I'll unhook myself."

No-ooo!

"It's all right, sweet Prince. We're going to make it through this."

Now, take a look at this incredible story from Iraq.

A man stopped at a checkpoint,

an Iraqi Army officer looks under his car and shouts "There's a bomb.

"Get away." Soldiers immediately accuse the car's terrified

occupants of being terrorists and threaten dire retribution.

You're probably thinking, why are you showing me this? Take a look.

This man's fear is all too real,

but the bomb's a fake, and the soldiers are actors.

This is reality TV, Baghdad-style.

It's a prank show!

They put bombs in a car for a prank!

Unbelievable. I find it shocking, and I am not the only one.

Who thought of this? They're like, "What do we do next?

"How about we accuse a wife of adultery,

"threaten to stone her, then at the last minute custard pie!"

Mind you if you think their reality shows are insane, you should see their version of Countdown.

Now, talking of shocking TV.

Channel 4 has defended a programme

which depicts Prince Harry being kidnapped by the Taliban.

In the show an actor playing the prince is taken hostage when his

military helicopter crashes in Afghanistan.

It's staggering. Do you reckon they'll do it in a Big Brother style?

"Day 34 and Harry's getting tortured"

Have you seen what it's called?

This is an image from The Taking Of Prince Harry.

Surely they should have called it "When Harry Met Talli". Come on!

It's that opportunity for ratings! Wouldn't that be great - they're trying to torture him,

and he's just there going - "Ahh! Ahh!"

That bloke in the corner, "I'll have what he's having!"

As ever, with a story like this you can rely upon Sky News to ask some stupid questions.

Are you not putting ideas into the heads of the extremists?

They are actually suggesting that the Taliban watch Channel 4, like

they're sat in a cave going, "Let's build a bomb."

"In a minute, I'm watching Coach Trip."

"We need to destroy the infidels."

"Later. Jamie Oliver is making fat people cry."

Mind you, if the Taliban are watching British TV,

let's try to distract them by making shows just for them.

They won't have time to fight if they're watching these beauties,

Middle EastEnders and my personal favourite -

Just trying to make the world a better place.

Whatever you're doing stop for a minute because this next story is wonderful.

Get ready to meet Britain's longest married couple. This is great, you're going ot love it.

107-year-old Ralph and 101-year-old Phyllis

have been married longer than any other couple in Britain.

The Tarrants got married in 1933.

They have gone on to have two children, seven grandchildren,

three great grandchildren and a great, great grandchild.

So, what's the secret to a long marriage?

She goes her way. I go mine.

No...

"We just hang out in different rooms."

Also the fact that his wife is piss funny.

We're getting old, ancient.

He said "getting".

Boom.

I'm like a wrinkly ninja. She's incredible - look at this.

He tries to tell them about his adventures. She's got other ideas.

I've explored Rivelin Valley right from Malin Bridge right up to the Downs.

Would you like a coffee or anything?

You can swim...

I'm fine, thank you. He does talk a lot though, doesn't he?

He does.

Gets on your nerves!

So, one of the major political stories since we've been away

is the fact that Ed Miliband is the new Labour leader.

It's easy to see why they went for him, he looks so dynamic.

He's like a melting Mr Bean.

Did you see the moment he beat his brother? David looked gutted.

Never in my wildest imagination that I did believe

that I would one day lead this party.

We can also be a serious party of Government again.

If you pressed the red button you could hear David's inner monologue.

David, I love you so much...

'You little prick.

'You may have won,

'but at least I didn't get a boner watching Watership Down!'

So what else did we learn from the Labour conference?

I'll tell you what Tessa Jowell's not as popular as she used to be.

Our first speaker is the right honourable Tessa Jowell,

Shadow Minister for the Olympics.

SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE

One lady was so bored, she made herself a fancy hat.

We couldn't do politics section without mentioning Boris. Cameron was going, "Your country needs you".

Boris was trying to organise the world's biggest pub crawl.

From Falkirk to Guildford, to Scarborough, to Leeds, to Rotherham,

to Blackburn, to Ballymena.

One bloke went last year, it sounded pretty debauched.

Eight children, a mum and dad, and a gran, three cows, a goat and a calf.

It was an extraordinary night.

Let's be honest, the best thing about conference season -

live TV - which means people in the background.

No-one knows who it will be.

-All agree...

-We would like Miliband.

-He seems to know the result. Sadly, no-one can be sure...

-And not rubber band.

It could be worse for Nick Robinson, he could have encountered this Portuguese nutter. I love this guy.

HE SPEAKS PORTUGUESE

It goes on for literally ten minutes. He doesn't leave him alone.

I tell you what, I can watch that for hours!

Have you seen the latest advance in teaching?

Have you ever heard of a dog helping children to read?

Kids here in Maidstone still get excited when they see their new teaching assistants walk in.

It's one man and his dog.

You couldn't make this up. Schools are hiring dogs to help kids read....

Dogs as teachers!

I tell you what, I've had some bad teachers in my time,

but none of them ever dry-humped my leg,

except for Mr Watkins...!

Do you know why they're using dogs?

Apparently it works because a dog won't criticise.

Dogs don't criticise, but they do lick their balls.

I would rather have a teacher have a go at me than watch a Great Dane rim itself!

It's hardly going to help kids, is it?

What will they do if they're attacked by a pitbull?

"He's ripping my leg off!" "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."

If they've got a dog helping them with English it makes you wonder, who's their music teacher?

Possibly the strangest food story of the week was this.

Sales of cereal raise money for Feed the Children.

But if you try to call the charity's toll free number printed on the box,

you'll make a shocking discovery.

The 800 number is supposed to connect you

-to the charity Feed the Children.

-But instead...

If you call the number on the back,

you won't reach the deserving charity, you'll reach a sex line.

Eating cereal and listening to a sex line, I know what you're thinking.

I think that's a wonderful idea!

Do you reckon the sex lines are cereal themed, just Snap,

Crackle and Pop huddled around the phone, going, "I'm feeling my boobs.

"They're ludicrously tasty."

The monkey in the corner - "I'll turn your milk chocolaty!"

A lot of parents are upset. It could have been worse.

At least they weren't giving away a free toy inside the packet!

Is it me, or has school really changed?

It could be any primary school at home time.

But Cherry Fold in Burnley has found itself the centre of a drugs scandal.

Teachers found children aged just nine years old were carrying cannabis in the playground.

Primary school kids dealing drugs.

Apparently they were charging 50p a spliff.

I think I speak for everyone when I say that is a good deal.

I bet the playground was full of potheads dressed like schoolboys.

"Hello!"

Can you imagine kids on pot! That would really change lessons.

I bet they were sat there going, "I must be stoned.

I'm reading to a dog!

"And it's rimming itself."

This is the part of the show I know nothing about.

There's a mystery guest, who's been in the news.

I have to figure out who they are.

So please welcome my mystery guest.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. How are you?

Oh, shit. Oh, mind myself!

Hello, nice to meet you I'm Russell.

-What's your name?

-Colin.

Excellent, Colin. Nice to meet you. What's all this? Explain these contraptions.

This is supposed to be my workshop.

-Right.

-Sort of thing.

Do you know, I know who you are straight away. Literally, I know exactly who you are.

-You, you're the James Bond guy, aren't you?

-I am, yes.

Fucking right.

-I'm not here for that.

-Oh, right, OK.

-There's another reason.

Last year didn't you invent a motorbike that fires... Can you explain to everyone what it did?

-I thought it would be a good idea to put a...

-I know what it is! I know why you're in the news

and it's a pleasure to meet you. This man, correct me if I am wrong,

made a shop-mobility scooter go at 69 miles per hour.

Exactly!

-I can show it to you if you want.

-Have you got it here?

-I have.

You had me at disability scooter.

Colin, bring out the beast.

Wait a minute, we're having a technical problem.

What is the technical problem, Colin?

Keep entertaining, I'll be with you in a minute.

-Just a minute.

-OK.

It's like a live version of Wallace and Gromit, isn't it?

Colin, what made you decide that you wanted pensioners to travel as fast as they could?

Um...

I don't know.

Colin, have you ever made love on your shop-mobility scooter?

There's a first for everything.

ENGINE REVS

-This has snapped.

-OK, cool. So is it broken now?

Well, sort of, yeah.

-Can I have a go on it?

-You can sit on it.

-I want to go fast.

It's not as good, is it?

-Here you are... I'll push you.

-That's not the same.

-Push me for a bit.

-I've got to put it in neutral now.

Sweet!

Let's have a push at it.

-Come on, Russell.

-Thank you.

To the shops, dear?

I tell you what, that feels good!

We have a video of this working, I do believe,

-to kind of rescue my reputation.

-OK, let's have a look at it.

Colin broke the record... what was the record you broke?

There wasn't a record, because nobody's done it before.

-But Guinness said...

-Of course nobody's done it before!

Guinness said they would only accept if I got above 61.4 which is 100kms an hour.

Wouldn't it have been lovely if an there's an old lady at home just kind of goes, "I'll beat that."

-What's next?

-I haven't flown yet and I haven't conquered the water.

Nice.

"I haven't conquered the water" - oh, my God, people don't say that often enough, do they?

Nice to meet you, Colin. It's a genuine pleasure.

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for my mystery man!

Here's a strange story from New Zealand.

A Christchurch father of two red-haired boys

is all fired up a radio station's hug-a-ginger day promotion.

Every year a radio station in New Zealand encourages people

to hug as many ginger-haired people as possible.

And this bloke who's got two ginger kids is furious.

My question would be why do they need a hug?

Is there something deficient or lacking in them?

Melanin?

People say that mocking gingers is just as bad as racism.

Those people, of course, dicks.

No-one has ever been killed for being strawberry blond.

There aren't lynch mobs hunting the ginger one out of Girls Aloud.

Black people go, "We used to slaves, we were taken

"from our homeland, chained up on a ship, forced to work for nothing."

And there's a ginger bloke saying, "I can't go out in the sun."

"We suffered violence."

"I'm so freckly.

"Can we not both agree, we have suffered?

"Can black and orange, not come together?

"They did it with Jaffa Cakes."

We are always hearing about the next piece of life-changing technology.

Every so often, something comes along that changes someone's life.

This baby has been fitted with a hearing device

and is about to hear his mum's voice for the first time ever.

It's coming back on.

And, he's back on again. See how he turned?

Hi, Jonathan.

Hi.

Did you hear that?

Hi, sweetie.

Could you hear that?

Hi.

You got that, Dad, right?

There you go, wasn't that wonderful?

Now, if you've got a good news story you think we should know about,

log on to our blog and tell us.

Thanks for watching the show, it's been a genuine pleasure.

Thanks very much, goodnight.

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