Episode 2 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains adult humour.

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Thank you very much indeed.

Welcome to Good News. So what've we learnt this week?

We found out what Adam Bolton looks for in a woman.

A massive honey pot.

Did you see that old woman getting stolen on the telly?

But it's not going to rise anything like as much. It's going to go up

£10 billion over the next four years, which is just ahead of inflation.

"Where am I going?"

At BBC Breakfast, I think someone's spiked Maureen Lipman's tea.

I think distinctly hard to say, but a harder thing to do would be...

SHE SPEAKS INCOMPREHENSIBLY

What kind of creep would spike an old lady's tea?

Now, if you look closely, I think this guy might be wearing a wig.

There's more or less a consensus among leading...

So the biggest news this week involved just one word.

-Cuts.

-Cuts.

-Cuts.

-Cuts.

-Biggest cuts.

-Deepest cuts.

-Swingeing cuts.

-Vast cuts.

-Mmm, cuts!

There haven't been cuts this bad since this guy discovered masturbation.

The Spending Review was tricky to understand.

If only a BBC presenter could describe George Osborne, whilst dry-humping a fire place.

George Osborne's speech about the economy getting fit

was something of a marathon.

So exactly how severe were the cuts?

The Chancellor reveals £81 billion worth of spending cuts.

£81 billion. Aarrhhh!

It's all right for the Cabinet, most are them minted.

When the cuts were announced the Tories were cheering.

Cheering job losses. What do they do at funerals?

Bring a vuvuzela?

"George, shove it up his arse!" "You got it, Dave."

Laughing at cuts.

Maybe they should come up with a new slogan.

'Conservatives, putting the N into cuts.'

"We're all in this together."

I'm so fed up of them saying that.

Besides, they nicked it off Disney in the first place.

-Together.

-Together.

Together. Everyone.

-Together.

-Together.

-So come on, let's

-have

-some fun. We're all in this

-together.

-And

-it shows when we

-stand

-Hand in hand

-making

-our dreams

-come

-true.

# Everybody now!#

So, where has George Osborne been wielding his axe?

The police had their budget cut by 20%. It's already affecting their transport.

The Army training has already gone to shit.

With the sport budget cut by 20%, our Olympic medal chances look slim.

Go, big boy! Oh!

Budget cuts have also hit the BBC.

It's really affecting programmes. Have you seen the latest Doctor Who monster?

And finally, even the Royal Family felt the squeeze.

"Philip, it's terrible, they're freezing our money.

"We're only getting £30 million! We'll have to sell the corgies."

"Don't worry Liz, I know just the place."

If the Queen needs a bit of spare cash maybe she should try stand up.

Just move Posh Spice out the way.

Quick impression.

Stamp.

Here's another one. Who's this guy?

-Who's this guy? It's Peter Crouch.

-AUDIENCE: That's shit, mate.

Save your breath, you'll need it to blow up your girlfriend!

Let's hope she doesn't get Philip to write her stuff.

And that's why she's got a bone in her nose!

AUDIENCE: Boo!

That's Peter Crouch. Who's this guy? Peter...

What annoys me is we're all suffering and yet bankers,

who caused the financial meltdown in the first place, are still getting massive bonuses.

That's like making this lady head of the RSPCA!

Maybe the cuts are necessary, maybe they're not.

What's depressing is Nick Clegg alongside Cameron.

Remember him before the election?

Promising he'd keep cuts to a minimum? Now he's Dave's little puppy.

We've got footage of his soul before and after the election. Here's before...

And here's after...

What's lovely, I don't know if you could hear at home, most people are going argh!

And there's one man going ha, ha, ha!

Obviously the biggest sports news of the past week was Rooney.

Wayne Rooney pulled off a U-turn today -

he did want to stay at Manchester United after all.

Yeah, cos now he's getting £250,000 a week!

The local prostitutes are delighted.

He was considering going to Manchester City.

I haven't heard a sentence that dangerous since JFK went, "It's a lovely day.

"Let's have the roof down."

Too soon? Too soon.

Apparently, he wanted to leave because Man United lack ambition.

They're Man United!

That's like saying The Apprentice lack dickheads!

Thank God he signed. I was beginning to worry for Alex Ferguson's sanity.

At one point he compared Rooney to a cow.

You see a cow and you think it's better than the one in your own field.

It's a fact.

And it never really works out that way.

It's probably the same cow and not as good as your own cow.

R-R-Right. I think you need a lie down.

People said no good came with the Rooney saga.

Did you see Ian Holloway talking about him?

He compares Rooney to a semi-detached house.

They've bought him, they've worked with him.

He belongs to them.

You buy a house, you own the deeds.

It's paid for. If you're lucky enough to do that, it's yours.

What if it's 24 years you had it for and then it can toddle off and do what it likes?

It's great. It's like watching one of my pissed uncles.

"Russ, right. If my house every walked away from me...

"If I came home and I found my house in bed with another house...

"I'd get a bungalow."

I'm pretty sure he thought it was wrong.

The game is wrong. The people in charge of the game are wrong.

And I'm not calling them names, I'm just telling them they're wrong.

UEFA, whoever you are, you're wrong!

I love this next bit. He obviously wants to swear, but opts instead for the word person.

Some complete person...

Genius. He's like David Brent.

Some complete person, who isn't in the real world,

in our realm, said if you're 24,

"Oh, yeah, 24, you can go and be what you like and do what you like."

Who is this person?

I don't know, Ian. Ian, I don't know.

Probably the saddest football story of the week was this.

Paul the octopus who found fame during this year's World Cup

for correctly predicting the outcomes of games has died.

I bet he didn't see that coming!

His funeral was lovely. Apparently they served him with chips.

Thanks, man!

I reckon he died from exhaustion.

He was the most famous octopus in the world.

He would've got more action than Russell Brand.

"What's the matter Paul?" "'Ere, there's been a right hullabaloo!

"I was fornicating with a pair of kippers,

"who were going so fast I damn near ripped off me dinkle!"

Paul had a fascinating life. Did you see what the Iranian President said about him?

I tell you what, if he thinks that's bad, he'll lose it when he finds out about this.

"They've called it what?!"

Some say Paul died in his sleep, others that he was killed.

Killed?! What kind of creepy weirdo would kill an octopus?

Probably the most ridiculous story of the week was from America.

Bakery refuses gay customer.

Some bigot won't serve a gay man.

This is what they were after - a multi-coloured cupcake to

celebrate National Coming Out Day,

but the student who had the order placed at Just Cookies was told no.

Have a look at the reason why he wouldn't serve them.

We're a family run business.

We have two young impressionable daughters and we thought maybe it would be best not to do that.

What a dick! Your daughters aren't going to start lezzing up if they see a gay man eating.

I've seen Louis Spence eat a trifle. I didn't think, "I'd tap that."

It's 2010!

How can you be homophobic, especially if you're a baker?

Any man who makes a living by pumping cream into buns

is in no position to criticise the gay community.

APPLAUSE

It doesn't stop there.

Everything in a bakery sounds a bit camp.

Fairy cakes. Fondant fancies.

Walnut whips.

I've never gone into a bakers' and seen a called call a cinnamon fanny magnet.

And I've looked!

I think he should just chill out. All they wanted was a rainbow cake.

It's not as if they asked for this.

I bet there's a horny diabetic sat at home going, "Mmm."

Now, some truly amazing animal stories this week.

Have you heard about the latest international criminal?

Indian media are reporting that police are holding a pigeon under

armed guard after it was caught on an alleged spying mission from Pakistan.

They put a pigeon in prison for spying.

"I remember the first time I saw Andy.

"He wasn't like the other prisoners

"because he was a pigeon."

Officials have banned anyone from visiting the pigeon,

which police say may have been on a special mission of spying.

Why would anyone use a pigeon to spy?

"Did you find the information?"

"I was going to, but there was a bloke handing out bread and I love bread.

"Then I see a pizza and I was dragging it across Trafalgar Square.

"No actually spying as such."

The pigeon had a ring around its foot and a Pakistani phone number

and address stamped on its body in red ink.

That doesn't mean he's a spy!

Maybe he went to a party and pulled.

"Don't lock him up cos he got some pigeon pussy!"

Actually, I doubt they call it pussy. Let's be honest.

They're terrified of cats.

It would be like an elephant going "Nice poacher."

Don't worry about the pigeon.

His bail's been paid after this bloke

claimed he knew him when he was younger.

Moving away from spying, did you hear about Pushkin the religious cat?

A cat who was given a blessing from Pope

Benedict on his visit to Birmingham has started receiving fan mail.

The world has gone insane!

People are writing letters to a cat!

Since Pushkin first appeared, he's received correspondence

from all over the world, including Wolverhampton where

Ginger the cat has written to say he was simply magnificent.

"Magnificent, darling! I smell a BAFTA."

It wasn't just Ginger. Everyone loves him.

He's had some correspondence from Canada,

from a priest who also had a cat called Pushkin.

Ooh, that's nice, isn't it?

The cat sadly died.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Pushkin is clearly a bit of a player.

And it's not the first time Pushkin's had a brush with somebody in a high place.

He previously met Princess Michael of Kent.

And doesn't he look delighted. Can we have a look at that photo again?

That's a terrified cat!

He looks like he's going, "Why is she wearing my brother on her head!?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, here's something you don't hear every day.

Is the UK turning into the UKKK?

And are there evil racist babies to blame?

More than 250,000 British kids have been accused of racism.

LAUGHTER

Don't you laugh! Racist babies.

That's right. Britain is full of racist babies.

Finally somebody is talking about this.

I'm so sick and tired of their evil ways.

When babies come out of the womb, they're not squinting, they're doing impressions of Chinese people.

The other day I asked a three-year-old, "What do you want to do when you're older?"

Do you know what he said to me? "Kill Lenny Henry."

He said he was going to visit every Premier Inn till he found him.

Yesterday I saw a toddler run into a mosque dressed as Peppa Pig!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I saw it!

It doesn't end there.

When will their vile racism stop?

If you could understand what they were saying, you'd be on my side.

GURGLES

Obviously, I'm joking.

Babies aren't racist, they don't care about colour or creed.

All they care about, have you got boobs? Can I have a go on them?

They're not racist, they're sexist!

Hey, watch out, we have a new enemy.

The war on terror may now involve battling monkeys.

The Taliban is training them to shoot and kill American soldiers.

What absolute shit!

The last monkey I saw wasn't planning a murder, he was doing something unspeakable to a frog.

Here's a tip. If your brother sends you an e-mail that says, "Monkey rapes frog,"

don't open it.

The clue is in the name.

I'll never get that image out of my head.

I can't even look at Kermit, and there's probably a few of you thinking,

"I'll Google that later." Don't Google it!

LAUGHTER

Rip the cord out your computer, run away, don't look at it!

It's exactly what it says, it's a monkey, a frog, the word, you know what's going to happen!

Trickiest wank I ever had.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

But I digress.

It's ridiculous, there are no monkey soldiers.

Check out the army's response.

US military or NATO has not commented on the report.

I'll tell you why, because it's bollocks.

Look at that picture, look at it.

That's clearly Photoshopped.

No monkey holds a gun, let alone in a gangster style.

That's something they put on the news. You can't make it scarier by faking pictures.

If that's allowed, you could say anything, I could say "All monkeys are Nazi," and show this.

And if I had that power, you'd see me on the News At Ten going,

"Ladies and gentlemen, I can officially announce monkeys hate pop music."

# Baby, baby, baby, oh Baby... #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.

There's going to be a mystery guest who's been in the news and I have to figure out who it is.

I got it straight away last week.

Here's hoping. Please welcome my mystery guest.

APPLAUSE

-Hello, mate.

-Nice to meet you.

-Can I come on board?

-Come on board.

-Excellent. Where would you like me?

LAUGHTER

I'm Russell, nice to meet you. Tell me about yourself?

-Some people say I'm...

-Feels like we're in the bath doesn't it?

LAUGHTER

-Some people say I'm a sailor.

-Why would they say you're a sailor?

Because I do a lot of sailing.

-OK.

-A lot.

I'm like Parkinson, aren't I?

LAUGHTER

Whereabouts do you sail? Have you sailed around the world?

-No, no, no, I wish, not in the boat, no. No, I haven't.

-What's the furthest you've sailed?

-On the current boat?

-Yes.

-The one that I sank last week, ooh,

20, 20 or 30 miles, I suppose.

Hang on.

-You weren't the reason that submarine crashed were you?

-No.

-It would be fantastic.

You're like that, "Out the way!"

So you've crashed many boats.

-Is that it?

-You're kind of on the right track, yes.

-Do you hold the record for the most boats crashed?

Well, you're kind of along the right lines, not exactly.

Can I give you another clue?

Yes, I'd love a clue.

-The press...

-The press...

-..have named me...

Have named you?

Captain Calamity.

LAUGHTER

Captain Calamity, so it would imply that you're the world's worst sailor?

-Yes.

-You're the world's worst sailor?

-Yeah.

How do you know that?

Because the press said so!

LAUGHTER

Why, what have you done? What's the worst thing? List some of your mistakes?

14 call-outs by the RNLI.

What's the most embarrassing call-out?

Twice in one day.

Twice in one day?!

I capsized my boat, turned it upside down.

I know what capsized means.

Completely inverted the boat in the morning,

went out again in the afternoon and did exactly the same thing.

If you're that bad, don't take this the wrong way,

why do you keep coming back to the sea?

I love it, it's a passion. Puts a big smile on my face.

-Being in the water?

-Sailing, I just love it.

-Under the water, over the water, through the water, love it.

-What do the locals think about you?

I'd say some think I'm probably a complete dickhead.

Some probably think I'm a bit of an anti-hero,

some people just understand that I love to go out sailing

-and love to push the limits.

-Sweet.

-Yes.

-Do you go out with people?

Generally on my own, no-one goes with me.

LAUGHTER

-"Do you want to go out?" "I'm all right."

-"I don't want to go!"

-Do you watch films like the Titanic and go, "Pussies!"

-Yes.

You only did it once!

I can see you sat there in the cinema, "What a bunch of dicks.

"14 and counting."

-Have you ever painted a lady naked in a boat?

-Not yet.

Anyone here tonight or anyone watching?

Let's make your Titanic fantasy come true. That will end with you dying.

Yes. It'd be worth it

Any questions to throw to the world's worst sailor? The lady with your hand up?

-Have you thought about doing a sailing course?

-I've done...

LAUGHTER

I've done quite a lot, actually.

I'm actually a very good sailor, I'm just...

LAUGHTER

I'm just a bit loco in the ocean.

Ask her if she wants to be painted naked on the boat.

Yes. Would you like to be painted naked on the boat?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

How do you feel about the nickname Captain Calamity?

I'm not bothered.

What would be your ideal nickname? Maybe we can change it now on telly?

-Something simple.

-Something simple.

-Jolly Good Fella.

-Jolly Good Fella.

-What's your real name, I haven't asked?

-Glenn Crawley.

Glenn, the jolly good fella, a genuine pleasure to meet you, man. Happy travelling.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my mystery guest!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Now, have you seen the latest police initiative in Manchester?

Greater Manchester Police is one of Britain's biggest police forces

and they've been trying to show the public what they face

on a daily basis.

To do that, just for today, they've decided to give Twitter a go on a massive scale.

In fact, they've documented every single 999 call they've received.

I imagine there's been some pretty major crimes.

By late this afternoon, police had dealt with more than

1,500 calls, including one reporting suspicious men

carrying a snake in Bolton.

How do you carry a snake suspiciously?

"Come on, Dave, quickly!"

This next one's wonderful.

Call 686, man shouts, "You're gorgeous!" to woman.

"Help, officer, he's being so complimentary!"

This has to be my favourite.

Reported man holding baby over bridge.

Police immediately attended and it was a man carrying a dog that doesn't like bridges.

LAUGHTER

Perhaps the crime story of the week though was this from Australia.

Lyndon Langan awoke to find his prized possession gone.

Jeanette, the gnome, somebody's pinched the gnome.

An Aussie bloke's had his gnome stolen.

This actually made the national news.

The best thing, there's a ransom note.

The posted letter included a photo of the gnome's face.

They were told to leave 10,000 under the lid of the bin, saying for every bin day that you do not pay,

the gnome will have pieces taken from his body.

Imagine opening the bin!

"Sweet Jesus, they've cut his rod off."

Look how seriously they're taking this story.

Lyndon and Jeanette are baffled by the gnome's disappearance.

They say he's a loner and had no known enemies.

LAUGHTER

"He was a good bloke. Just sat out the back fishing."

So, who's taken the gnome? I have a couple of theories.

One, he's been taken by some evil bloke who desperately needs cash.

LAUGHTER

Two, the gnome has kidnapped himself and is out there somewhere having the time of his life.

# Everybody dance now...#

LAUGHTER

Or theory three, he's been taken by some creepy weirdo.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

This lady's called Selinah, she suffers from AIDS

and she's agreed to be filmed over 90 days to show the benefits of anti-retroviral drugs.

The film you're about to see shows the benefits of this treatment in reverse.

# It was dark when I found you

# I'll build you a house In the oak tree outside

# And you can come back

# Whenever you'd like

# Don't be frightened I'll set you up right

# Because everyone needs somebody Sometime

# I'll leave the light on So you know I'm at home

# And you can come in

# You wont be alone

# Don't be scared of the night Cause I'll fix you up right

# Because everyone needs somebody Sometime

# Don't be scared of the night Cause I'll fix you up right

# Cause everyone needs

# Somebody, sometime

# Sometime. #

If you've got a good news story that you think we should know about,

log on to our blog and tell us all about it.

Hope you enjoyed the show. Good night.

APPLAUSE

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