Episode 3 Russell Howard's Good News

Contains adult humour.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you. Hello. Welcome to Good News.

What a week we have had. Did you see Bill Turnbull have an orgasm on BBC Breakfast?

Or...

HE BREATHS QUICKLY

Next up, this has to be the showbiz shock of the week.

Bert from Sesame Street is gay.

Is it me or is this detective suspicious about his colleague?

It will send out a strong message to any paedophile who is out there

and who has not been outed yet!

LAUGHTER

The award for slowest chair theft ever goes to...

Let's see if that is the end of the story.

What I know is I don't think this creates the secure funding base that

universities need. I also don't think these proposals are fair.

When you look at the detail...

Finally, the price of cheese has rocketed.

Now, the big news this week was this...

Suspicious packages bound for the United States

had been found at the East Midlands Airport and in Dubai.

Both packages came from Yemen.

As ever, the media tried to terrify us.

-Terror alert.

-Terror alert.

-Terror threat.

-Terrorism threat.

International terror alert.

It was so hysterical, they even claimed

Margaret Thatcher was a terror threat.

It was all over the papers. The Sunday Times went with...

The Mail...

What did the Sun go for?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

God bless the Sun. If in doubt, load up the pun gun! We are not scared.

The news was going, "Watch out, Britain, you are going to die."

We went, "Oh, look, X Factor is on!"

Doesn't Wagner look like Meat Loaf's sperm?!

The news kept referring to it as a "sinister package".

We're not children. Call it a bomb!

A sinister package sounds like Linford Christie has drawn a goblin on his dick.

So where was this "sinister package"?

This is the device found by Dubai police.

It had been hidden in a printer, with the explosive connected

to an electrical circuit board

and a mobile phone SIM card hidden inside the cartridge.

They put it in a printer cos they thought no one would check.

If you want to put it in a place nobody will check, surely put it in the pants of this guy.

LAUGHTER

It would work! It's so depressing.

The entire world cheered as a load of miners were rescued,

now some idiot is trying to blow people up in the name of their God.

If there is a God, does anyone else think it's

about time he revealed himself and sorted this mess out?

Hey, everyone, stop being dicks.

You all want to be happy and you're all going to die.

So why don't you just enjoy yourselves?

I couldn't see that clip of that mouse again, could I?

You got it, big guy.

So, what was the other big news of the week?

More than 5,000 firefighters in the capital will strike tomorrow and

for two further days beginning on Bonfire Night,

in protest against plans for a new shift system.

The firemen are planning to strike on Bonfire Night.

You can't do that with people like this around.

If you think you're a fussy eater, you have nothing on Nicholas Cage.

How does Nick Cage's dinner make him such a winner?

When it comes to his diet, it seems actor Nicholas Cage

has an interesting way of deciding what's OK and what's not.

That's right, Cage will only eat animals who have sex with dignity.

What?

He'll only eat animals who have sex with dignity.

How does an animal have sex with dignity?

I can't imagine a badger lighting a scented candle.

"Darling, you will tell me if I'm going too rough.

"# Sail away, sail away, sail away.... #"

If I was an animal, I'd be outside Cage's house

deliberately having freaky sex so he doesn't eat me.

Just a rabbit, "Here he comes, put your finger up my ass.

"Call me a bitch, Brian, look at his eyes!"

Imagine a cow in a field wearing nipple clamps.

"Moo, Cage, Cage, we're into all sorts, Mr Cage!"

"You should see our sex tape - two cows, one trough.

"Don't eat me, Mr Cage!"

It's ridiculous.

How could you check?

Imagine Cage in a restaurant.

"Any questions about the menu?"

"Yeah, the chicken, has it ever been teabagged?"

"I will go and have a look, Nicholas."

"Hello, Mr Chicken have you ever had balls hit your face?"

"I don't think so."

Staying in America, sometimes a story does all the work for you.

That must have been an ugly kid!

"What does my baby look like?" "Like a Mexican snack!"

From America to Asia.

Japanese commuters can buy live crabs from a vending machine.

The machine was set up at a station.

The crabs were sold at a price from 1.5 US dollars to 7.5 dollars.

More than 200 crabs were sold every day.

If some bloke went, "I've got crabs from a vending machine!"

I'd be like, "You sick pervert!"

"Next time you wear a condom."

"No, I ate them."

"You ate them after you shagged them?"

The worst thing about this story, the crabs are still alive.

A lot of people say crabs can't feel pain. That's not true.

I have got audio of them inside the machine. It is heartbreaking.

# All around me are familiar faces

-# Worn out places... #

-Tell my wife I love her...!

One of the strangest food stories of the week...

Did you know you can get married at McDonald's?

McWeddings are coming to three restaurants in Hong Kong.

Prices for the McWeddings have not been released yet,

but customers will be able to order relatively fancy McWeddings.

A fancy McWedding?

I would never get married in McDonald's!

Nobody wants a vicar to point at their wife and go,

"Do you want chips with that?"

Can you imagine the ceremony?

I now pronounce you McMan and McWife. You may place the ring on the bride's finger.

Nice one.

Let us sing hymn 472.

ALL: # Da da da da We're loving it! #

Have you seen how the British Army are preparing for Afghanistan?

Residents of an East Devon village came face to face

with armed Royal Marines today as part of a training exercise.

They are training for Afghanistan by taking them to Devon?

-Are you aware of our presence in the area?

-Yes.

Have you had any suspicious activity?

I seen a squirrel the other day holding some keys!

I thought, "Why has he got keys? He ain't got a car, he ain't got a house,

"maybe he is in charge of a squirrel prison."

Why Devon? The only thing people there terrorise is the beach.

"Check out my weapon of mass destruction!"

Have you been to Devon?

I once saw a man in Tiverton trip whilst carrying a bag.

What fell out of his bag? A dildo.

It hit a pigeon!

Still, the soldiers are convinced it is going to work.

Good experience for us, especially going on operations

to Afghanistan in the future.

Good experience? "They're throwing bombs at us!"

"That is nothing, mate, I once got hit by a pasty."

This series, I'm showing you Taliban monkeys and pigeon spies.

This week, an old folks' home in America is getting a therapeutic visit from a horse.

When you think of therapy pets,

You usually think of cuddly cats or dogs.

Ponies are not what comes to mind.

Even though they can't fit Samson in their laps,

they still love when he visits.

Damn right they love it!

-I like that horse.

-He likes you, too.

-He does?

He won't take sugar off nobody else!

Have you ever seen joy like that?

I have no idea what she is saying but she sure is happy.

He won't take sugar off nobody else!

"..Ha ha ha ha!"

Samson's been putting it about. Look what he did to this old lady?

-Ever been kissed like that before?

-No, never will again either!

He got off with her, the randy bastard!

How lovely is her response?

"I've kissed a horse, I can die happy!"

It is incredible, the effect animals can have on humans.

Mind you, some people get a bit too attached.

He loves me. You wouldn't get that off a man, would you?

No.

You want something for that.

Yes.

This is Pat from Dagenham. Pat is a cat person.

A lot of women don't think a lot of men, to be quite honest with you,

from what I have found out, especially cat people.

You have to have a special guy.

A special guy... strong, kind, romantic?

One that can put up with dirt trays all over the house!

What kind of weirdo would put up with that?

It's been a big week for American politics.

A wake-up call for President Obama, his Democrat Party has lost control of the House of Representatives

after voters delivered a tough rebuke to his administration in the US mid-term elections.

It's been a bad week for Obama. Sorry...

Mr Long-legged MacDaddy.

The US used to adore him, now children can't even stay awake.

Your success in life won't be determined by what is given to you...

Obama's Democrats have been hit hard by a right wing movement called the Tea Party.

They are a curious mix.

You say curious, I say mad!

Barack Obama is a tyrant.

I would vote for George W Bush if he was barbecuing babies on the White House lawn.

I say, death to the Commies! You got it? Death to the Commies.

-Are you a Commie?

-No, no.

Then stay alive, else you be dead!

"Stay alive, else you be dead."

If you think the voters are freaky, you should see some of the candidates.

This bloke thinks he is a website.

I'm Basil Marceaux.com.

What are your policies?

Everyone carries a gun. If you get murdered, you go to jail.

If you get murdered, you go to jail?

Anything else?

You pledge allegiance to Republicdom in the morning when you come out,

we all pray to God and say amen and everyone have a nice day.

Did you run out of things to say?

"Erm...have a nice day!"

My favourite reaction of the US mid-term elections has to be Phil Davison.

To say he is an intense public speaker would be an understatement.

My name is Phil Davison!

I am seeking our party's nomination for the position of Star County Treasurer.

I have been Republican in times good,

and I have a Republican in times bad.

So, Phil, what are your promises?!

I promise each and every person in this room I will hit the ground running,

come out swinging and have done with it!

This next bit is stunning. He attempts to quote Einstein but it goes wrong.

Look out for his whimper.

Albert Einstein issued one of my most favourite quotes.

It is as follows...

"In the middle of opportunity..."

HE WHIMPERS

Excuse me, "In the middle of difficulty..."

Let me repeat that...

I could listen to that whimper for hours!

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

-Luckily...

-APPLAUSE

Why not, why not?!

Luckily, not everyone in America is a nutter.

Jon Stewart held a rally to restore sanity. Thousands showed up.

Many had fantastic signs.

Some people were confused.

Some were there just for a good time.

Have you seen the latest news about the Queen of Pop?

Madonna's almost as well known for her muscles as

her music, spending hours honing and toning her impressive physique.

The singer is planning to open a chain of gyms across the world

and she'll have her say on everything, from the design to the music.

Why would you want to look like Madonna?

Her arms are so white and veiny, she looks like

a condom full of stilton.

She's so ripped.

Most 50-year-old women don't need to be ripped.

Then again, most 50-year-old women don't go to an African orphanage with a net.

Madonna's gyms have promised first class yoga facilities. Trouble is, yoga's not always that good for you.

Same thing on the other side, arms out to the side, inhaling...

Let's be honest, the only reason anyone goes to the gym is to see things like this.

Now, if you're thinking of going on holiday in America, watch out.

There's a creature on the loose.

Spotted, big foot in Cleveland County.

This isn't the first time.

The legend continues.

One man encountered the mythical beast last week.

A Bigfoot spotted! But who saw him? Was it a regular, everyday kinda guy? Wears a suit?

Works in an office?

I come out here and run him off.

I said, "Get away from here!

"Get! Get!"

And he went right back up that path again.

No. It's an alcoholic Hagrid.

Deputies filed a suspicious person report and Tim is still recalling the details.

He looked like he had six fingers on each hand.

You look like YOU'VE got six fingers on each hand!

This thing was ten-foot tall.

He had beautiful hair.

It's not Bigfoot. Sounds like he's just seen Peter Crouch in a hedge.

"He had beautiful hair." That implies that if you go

down to the woods, you'll see a monster with GHD straighteners.

"Hello!" Mind you, America is a bizarre place.

The mayor of Lawndale is getting upset about the removal of garlic plants.

This city, several years ago, they paid a lot of money to have these plants brought in and planted here.

And now they are considering paying tens of thousands of dollars to have these plants removed.

So, why is he upset?

The only reason we had garlic put in was so we could keep the vampires out of town.

Since we have had garlic,

I have not seen one single solitary vampire in town.

This next story is unbelievable.

Take a look at this video, a woman holding her hand up to her ear.

This has some people asking,

did a time traveller get caught on camera in 1928?

No! And if she can, what a waste.

If she can travel through time, what is she doing checking her voicemail?

Let's have a look at the photo again.

What is most disturbing isn't the phone, there's a zebra in the

middle of the high street!

If I could travel back through time, I would get up to all sorts.

I would visit my younger self.

"Here is a tip, Russ, don't let your mum cut your hair."

"Get her away from you, Russell!"

I would give my mum 50 quid so she could buy a bath.

"Let's get you in the sink!"

Then I would travel back and say, "Russ, it doesn't

"matter what face you pull, that is still a Nazi salute."

Of course, I am joking, if I could travel back in time I would do something for the good of mankind.

I don't care that it would be a risk.

I would make sure this atrocity never happened.

This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.

There will be a mystery guest who has been in the news and I have to figure out who that person is.

Please welcome my mystery guest.

APPLAUSE

-Hello.

-Hi.

-What is your name?

-Mimi.

-Do you want me to get on that one?

Oh, yeah.

You will probably go faster than me.

I see that as a challenge.

I am going at seven, eight, nine...

You're showing off now.

Let's really go for it.

According to this, I am going 60mph. I would suggest that is not true.

So, Mimi, tell me about yourself.

I am known as Super Gran

-in the press.

-Lovely.

I do a lot of running.

OK. What is the furthest you have ever run? I'm tired already!

In one go, 840 miles.

840 miles? Wow. There was a lovely gasp of excitement there.

Is that why you are in the news?

-No.

-So I am not close?

-You are sort of close, but it's different.

-OK...

It has to do with the treadmill, obviously.

Have you run the furthest distance on a treadmill?

That is...

Oh, shit, it's going fast... Sorry!

This could go horribly wrong, Mimi.

-I am going to stop it.

-Have you travelled the furthest...?

-The furthest distance covered on a treadmill by a female.

-How far?

403.87 miles.

APPLAUSE

Was that at a gym, at your house?

It has to be in a public arena, so I did it in a shopping centre.

My husband said it was great because it was the only time I couldn't spend money!

Have you ever done what is known in the business as a "Paula Radcliffe"?

I have. Very embarrassing, you have no choice. I did a race in the Arctic, 352 miles in the Arctic.

That's fine, you will only get a seal going...

You have truckers. What is that programme, Ice Truckers?

You'd have to be a really committed pervert to

wait in a truck for a lady to have a poo.

I checked. You see a trucker every three or four hours.

I was desperate for a pee.

I checked, no one to be seen.

I took my sledge off, pulled my trousers down, fantastic.

It was one of those moments when it went on and on and on.

And suddenly, there was a truck coming from the left and the right.

Imagine if they crashed!

If your wee had frozen... "What happened?"

"Absolutely no idea."

"It looks like they crashed because of frozen wee."

"Don't know what you are talking about!"

What is the strangest thing that has happened whilst running?

-In the Arctic, hallucinations.

-OK.

On one occasion, I had

soldiers dressed in white in the trees,

with gas masks on. I had monsters that would come up from the road.

As you walk towards them, they disappear and elongate.

And I did see an elephant sitting on a bridge and I knew at that stage...

In the Arctic, you get polar bears, so I knew it wasn't true.

-What if it was? That might be the weird thing.

-I know!

"That's definitely not an elephant."

"Why does nobody notice me?

"Nobody noticed me in Africa. That's why I moved here.

"Just for company."

-Lovely to meet you.

-Thank you.

-Good luck with your future exploits.

-My mystery guest!

-APPLAUSE

The big news in the music world this week was this...

Welcome back, Robbie!

Take That are going back on tour.

It wasn't just women who were excited.

How quickly they turn. Take That are the biggest boy band ever.

The thing is, they are not boys any more, they are men.

You can't call them a "man band", that sounds creepy,

like something a pensioner needs to maintain an erection.

"I've lost me man band."

What I find fascinating is their effect on women.

-How good does this feel in my hand?

-It's priceless.

We love you, Take That! Howard, I love you!

It makes me feel young.

"It makes me feel young!"

Those gigs will be full of horny mums.

Their children will never have seen them like that.

"Robbie, you sexy bastard, I would ride you like a train!"

"Mum, what about Dad?"

"Shut up! I am going to live in a sex dungeon with Gary Barlow."

"Gary... Gary... Love you!"

"Mum, stop it!" "Shut up!

"He is like a little gerbil, aren't you, Gary?"

I don't mind Take That.

My favourite is Jason Orange.

How can you not love a man who goes on a chat show and gives out masturbation tips?

We were in a boy band, we didn't have sex...

If you sit down on your left arm for long enough, it feels like somebody else.

Put a man band on it, you can go for hours!

What else? Justin Bieber's been back in the news.

Not content with dominating the music industry,

Justin Bieber wants to leave his mark on the world of perfumes.

Can you imagine what it smells like?

Mmm...puberty!

Who wants to smell like a 16-year-old boy? "Are you after a floral scent?"

"No, I want to smell of Xbox and masturbation."

Why is it always young celebrities who bring out perfumes?

What about the older market?

Do you know who I would love to see bring out a perfume?

Alan Titchmarsh.

If you are watching, Alan, I've already done you an advert.

The smell of a man who knows his way around a bush.

A man who uses hoes and likes to fork.

From Alan's garden to your lady garden.

This story highlights the work of a foundation that really does make

dreams come true. Take a look at this.

This dream holiday is just the tonic for youngsters who have

spent a lot of time in hospital.

Jordan from Wishaw in Lanarkshire went on the trip two years ago

after doctors told his parents his leukaemia had returned a third time.

The question everybody is going to ask is how long has he got left?

She said, "Let's concentrate on Christmas."

That was November 2008.

When these pictures were filmed, Jordan's parents were preparing

to say goodbye. But incredibly, the toddler battled back and is now in remission.

Jordan has happy memories of Lapland.

The charity When You Wish Upon A Star wants to make that happen for more sick kids.

-Santa.

-We saw Santa. What was that like?

-Super duper.

-Was it super duper?

Lovely. If you have a good news story we should know about,

go to our blog and tell us.

Thank you very much for watching. Good night.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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