Episode 4 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks very much indeed. Thank you very much.

Welcome to Good News.

So, what has been happening this week?

The BBC came up with a novel way of describing Boris Johnson.

A penis with a thesaurus.

And Carol from Breakfast described what happens when she takes off her bra.

They just go splat!

Over at Granada, I think there's been a bit of a lovers' tiff.

That's going to be your party trick, is it, this weekend?

-No, I don't think so.

-OK.

Tension! And finally, Alex Ferguson's gone too far.

Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney will be burnt at the stake for Bonfire Night.

So, did you see what David Cameron's been spending our taxes on?

The Prime Minister was challenged today to explain the logic

behind hiring a photographer on taxpayers' money

to take pictures of him

while cutting half a million other public service jobs.

He's hired a photographer to follow him around.

To be honest, if I were Dave, I'd sack him.

Every time you look at a photo of Cameron it looks like Nick Clegg is doing something unspeakable to him.

"Stop it, Cleggy, there'll be an Eton Mess!"

It's such a piss-take. He's like a vain emperor.

"I have decided what's best for the country."

What? A fairer tax system?

"No, more photos of me!"

Half a million job losses and he's going, "Jeeves, get my good side.

"Make me look like one of the lads."

How staged is that photo?

"That's me enjoying a yard of ale."

It's a pint, Dave.

"Sorry, that's me enjoying a yard of pint."

We don't want to see that photo. We want to see what happens after the pint.

That's what we want to see. Even better than that,

a photo of Cameron after a night on the lash with Boris.

Who wouldn't want to see that on the front page of the papers?

It isn't just Dave. His wife's getting her own helper.

Take a look at what she does.

Samantha Cameron employs someone to get her dressed.

What did she do before the election?

Was she walking around naked? "Dave, I've got my arm caught in my jeans.

"How do clothes work?"

On the other side of Parliament, congratulations to Ed Miliband on the birth of his son.

He's doing well. Justine's doing brilliantly.

And we are both over the moon.

Where have I seen that interview before?

MILIBAND'S VOICE: He's doing well. Justine's doing brilliantly.

And we are both over the moon.

So, what else in politics? Well, the godfather of sleaze, Silvio Berlusconi, is back.

He's been heavily criticised after a teenage girl said she had attended

parties with the Italian Prime Minister

and witnessed bunga-bunga sex sessions.

Bunga-bunga?

Sounds like something this guy shouts when he comes.

So, what is bunga-bunga?

Well, it's this.

Jesus, has he never heard of After Eights?

Imagine Berlusconi on Come Dine With Me.

I'm going to give Silvio a two for the food

but for the after dinner party...

It was an absolute spunk storm!

So, an after dinner sex party. It was just him and one lucky lady.

25 women! He's 74 years old.

How is a pensioner shagging 25 women?

Especially one who looks like Morph's granddad?

It doesn't end there. Let's be honest.

It couldn't be a Berlusconi story

without him saying something outrageous.

If I occasionally happen to look a beautiful girl in the face,

it's better to like beautiful girls than to be gay.

What a dickhead. "Hey, I know I shagged some teenage prostitutes

"but at least I'm not a whoopsie!"

Talking of morons, George Bush is bringing out his book this week.

Former President George W Bush's memoirs about his presidency

are being released this week.

We've actually got footage of him writing it.

Bush is the first person ever to have written one more book than he's read.

He's already been promoting it.

When I sat down to write my memoirs,

I decided to take an untraditional approach.

What is an untraditional approach?

"I put a lot of Scrabble pieces in my mouth.

"Then I spat them at a horse."

The book opens with a personal decision, quitting drinking at age 40.

You mean he made all those decisions when he was sober?!

I thought he was pissed!

I thought that was why he kept getting 9/11 the wrong way round.

I wanted to give readers a glimpse of the presidency from my perspective.

"My perspective is, doors are trickier than they look."

The book costs 35. Who's paying that?

He's hardly a gifted wordsmith.

You know.. I... I... I... I really... I'm serious...

You... You... You... You...

Let me... Let me... Let me...

There's an old saying in Tennessee that says, "Fool me once...

"Shame on...shame on you."

If you're fooled, you can't get fooled again.

One of the big news stories of the week was the BBC News strike.

BBC News has been disrupted today by a 48-hour strike

by its journalists over changes to their pensions.

If only Sky could explain the story by placing a tiny man in an imaginary living room.

TV and radio programmes on the BBC were disrupted over the weekend

as thousands of journalists continue their 48-hour strike.

Thanks, tiny man.

Anything else?

The One O'Clock News on mainstream TV was not presented

by any of the regulars.

You're telling me!

David Cameron promises a complete revolution in the way government operates.

The strikes really affected the weathermen's confidence.

I don't have much power but I can certainly point and I'll do

a lot of that in the next two minutes.

Sadly you have got a few weeks yet before I go on holiday.

I'm an idiot and don't know what I'm talking about.

With the BBC struggling, Channel 4 News tried to take advantage.

Jon Snow was really going for the youth market.

I'm telling you, it's not, like, totally random.

I already speaks it. Innit?

Careful what you wish for, Jon.

Kids and news don't mix.

She let her lawyer do the talking today...

Look, mum, I'm on TV!

She walked down this street many times before

and has often stroked this particular cat.

As far as the incident with the bin was concerned,

she said she had little recollection of it

and no explanation for it.

I always wondered what happened to the Blazin' Squad.

Elsewhere in the world of TV,

did you hear the scandal on Countryfile?

Before I go any further, I should say the word Countryfile always makes me laugh.

I know it's slightly silly, but Countryfile sounds like someone who has sex with under-age fields.

But that's just me.

Here's the actual story.

Too wrinkly for Countryfile?

That's got to hurt. Especially if you are working with this guy.

If SHE'S too wrinkly for telly, how does Gordon Ramsay survive?

Ramsay's so wrinkly he could smuggle immigrants into the folds of his face.

To be honest, I'm not a fan of HD.

If you watch this show in high-definition, it puts years on me.

Hello, hello, hello, hello.

I'm Russell Howard and welcome to Good News.

The girls in make-up do a wonderful job.

From HD to Strictly Come Dancing, have a look at this.

The Israeli version of Strictly Come Dancing is causing something

of a stir by pairing together its first ever

same-sex dance partners.

Two girls are dancing erotically together.

I know what you're thinking.

I think that's a wonderful idea.

Have you seen them?

# You don't have to act like a sta-a-ar

# Tryin' moves in the back of your ca-a-ar

# But you know that we can go fa-a-ar

# Cos tonight you're gonna get my mwah, mwah. #

Imagine if Brucie saw that.

He'd fucking melt!

As ever, loads of people have got upset. "It's disgusting! It's sick!"

Ridiculous. Two women together isn't sick dancing. This is sick dancing.

# In love tonight

# I kissed a girl and I liked it

# I liked it. #

I always wondered what happened to Rik Waller.

Now, as far as admin mistakes go, this is fairly major.

The high-street giant Boots sent a loyalty card to a customer.

Have a look at what they called him.

His reaction was priceless.

When I read it was addressed to, I thought, Dr A Suicide Bomber?

For a start, I'm not a doctor.

"I mean, I got enough Semtex in my shed to nuke London but I'm not a doctor.

"I won't even watch Casualty."

Do you reckon there's a bloke in Afghanistan who got his card,

sat in a cave in Tora Bora going, "Who the hell is Barry Evans?

"He'd better not get my Nectar points."

Despite the fact Nectar points are from Sainsbury's.

Well, that's on telly.

This next bit is brilliant.

All right, I've got rather a strong character.

I can have things like this bounce off me no problem.

But if that had been sent to somebody perhaps with a weak heart or somebody

with a nervous disposition, who knows what could have happened.

"Who knows what could have happened".

What does he think will happen? "They've called me a suicide bomber.

"Now I'm going to have to blow myself up!

"This is worse than the time they told me to keep my ear to the ground and I got hit by that car.

"Fuck, I'm stupid."

Talking of stupid, did you hear about the Museum of Gloucester's latest attraction?

Forget the Taj Mahal. Forget the Crown Jewels.

Their latest exhibit is surely the envy of the world.

This is the 1,000-year-old poo.

Genuinely true.

A museum in Gloucester is displaying a 1,000-year-old poo.

They don't just keep it in the museum. They take it on tour.

Do you want to have a touch?

Not really.

How tough is it being a kid in Gloucester?

Grown adults filming you stroke a turd.

-Do you want me to tell you what it is?

-Yes.

It's a piece of 1,000-year-old...poo.

Uurgh!

She made him touch it.

That's his life ruined. "Oi, Doctor Poo, where's your TURDIS?"

You know what kids are like.

I want to know what kind of creepy weirdo comes up with the idea of kids touching poo?

This lady made the news this week by hiring a hitman to kill her husband.

This is Dorothy Cascone.

She's behind bars right now accused of being the mastermind in a plot

to kill her ex-husband for money from several life insurance policies.

Now, two things made me laugh about this story.

One, she looks a bit like Katie Waissel and two,

the husband's reaction is incredible.

The part that insulted me the most is the fact she was going to pay the hitman so little money.

I love that. Are you upset cos she tried to kill you? "Hell, no, she's a tight bitch".

I could listen to this lunatic for hours.

Tiger Woods ain't got nothing on me.

She's tore up my car, smashed windows, broke in. Describe her?

Psychotic. Crazy. Diabolical. Evil.

Weren't they the original names of the Teletubbies?

So, why did she want to kill him?

Well, I was having affairs, I was a player.

That's right. "I was a player." How?

He looks like a sweaty Santa.

You probably are thinking, after his ordeal, he never wants to see his wife again. You'd be wrong.

I like to talk to her at night, and have two women on each side,

and tell her I'm having a happy time.

"A happy time."

"Enjoy prison, Santa and his ladies are going to a bunga-bunga party."

Now, have you heard the latest way estate agents are trying to sell houses?

One estate agent in Brighton has started using poetry to sell homes.

Poetry means a lot of things to a lot of people, but can it sell property?

No.

Coving as precise as the Egyptian pyramids

Gold like the colour of the Sahara desert

High ceilings so much you'd need a ladder to change a light bulb.

Leaning over a balcony Waves crashing into each other

Like a herd of angry buffalo.

And the bathroom, right, the bathroom's like a gang of, um, drunk...

..hippos?

Talking of performances, let's meet Britain's latest world champion.

We'd like to offer congratulations, I think,

to Anne Woods from Egremont in Cumbria.

The world's ugliest woman.

There she is.

She's been awarded the world title by the Guinness Book of Records.

Anne Woods is the world's ugliest woman.

Bill Turnbull couldn't believe it.

Anne Robinson, not even on the list. What happened there?

Whatever, Bill.

Robinson's got nothing on this lady.

Unbelievably, this sport doesn't require any exercise, any practice.

It just comes naturally.

That is not natural.

That is a result of drinking heroin and Fairy Liquid.

What's great about this story, Anne has a husband.

And he is quietly hoping she'll keep going until she has at least 30 titles to her name.

Is that not Popeye's sex face?!

Now. Ga-ga-ga-ga-ga.

Now. Moving away from Popeye.

Did you see this shocking story from New Zealand?

A walk for charity has outraged some of the people it's trying to help.

The zombie march is being organised

to raise funds for Brain Injury New Zealand.

A zombie march for brain injuries?

What are they going to do next?

Sponsored body popping for epileptics?

We need to raise money for the thrush clinic, let's get some scratch cards!

I tell you what, if you enjoyed that joke, let's see it again in HD.

What are they going to do next?

Sponsor body-popping for epileptics?

We need to raise money for the thrush clinic.

Let's get some scratch cards.

APPLAUSE

Now, big news from outer space.

Science fiction could soon become science fact.

That's because NASA scientists are toying with the idea

of sending astronauts all the way to Mars.

Sweet.

Have a look who they're sending up.

Look at the reason why.

They'll have to trick them onto the shuttle.

"This doesn't look like Butlins."

"Where's Alan Titchmarsh? You bastards!"

A shuttle full of pensioners. Can you imagine the smell?

Andrew Neill certainly can.

-HE SNIFFS

-Hm. Boiled cabbage.

Hm. Cough sweets.

Imagine the poor sods at mission control having to deal with them.

"Hello? I can't hear you.

"You want me to what? Start the thrusters?

"What's a thruster?

"If only me grandson, Tony, were here.

"No, it's Tom, isn't it?

"No, it's Tony, it's Tony.

"Tom...

"Deirdre, is it Tom or Tony?

"It's Tony, ain't it? It's Tony?

"Is it Tom?

"I've got mission control. Is it Tom?

"Tony?

"It's Charlotte!

"It's Charlotte, ain't it?

"Is it Tom?

"I've got to go, mission control, Countdown's on.

"And I've shit meself!

"It's like a scatty lava lamp here."

Back on Earth, great news for sci-fi fans.

More than 30 years after the Star Wars movie

used a futuristic hologram as a cry for help,

scientists at the University of Arizona

say they've made it come true.

Things from Stars Wars are becoming a reality.

I bet there's geeks all over the land saying, "Yyyeeeesssss!

"Whoooo. Oooh.

"Please invent the light sabre, please invent the light sabre."

I don't see what the fuss is about.

I've been living like it's Star Wars for years.

I walk around in my pyjamas and I get off with my sister.

I'm joking.

I don't wear pyjamas.

That was the worst noise ever.

As I did that joke, I just heard, "Aahhh."

Just somebody holding up pyjamas for me. "Well, these are wasted, aren't they?"

Do you know what I'd really want from Star Wars? One of these guys.

Hey!

Don't they look tasty?

I'd whack him on the barbecue with some Reggae Reggae Sauce.

Nom, nom, nom, Ewok.

Wouldn't it be great? And then I'd tongue my sister! Wouldn't it be great...

Whilst laughing at some pyjamas that I will never wear!

Wouldn't it be great if everything from Star Wars came to life?

If Jedi powers became available, it's going to change my world.

-Hello.

-All right, love?

Have you not put the cat out yet?

CAT SQUEALS

Now, this is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.

There'll be a mystery guest who's been in the news.

I have to figure out who it is. So please welcome my mystery guest.

Hello.

-Hi, how are you doing?

-Nice to meet you. I'm Russell, how are you?

-Good to meet you.

-What's your name?

-It's Adam.

-Can I come up with you?

-Yes, yes, here you go.

-Sweet.

I've got my own helmet. Don't!

-LAUGHTER

-Jesus Christ!

While we're up here, shall we make comments about ladies? It is the done thing.

So, why have you been in the news?

Right. I went down to the B&Q trade point and...

Good way to start any story.

It is, isn't it, yeah.

As you do. And I did a little sound,

I went... WHISTLES, IMITATING PHONE RINGING

To make people think a phone's ringing.

And they said, "You need to enter our whistling competition."

-Nice.

-Yeah. I was, like, "No, I came here to get some hinges."

"Listen, lady, I came here for hinges."

They said, "Enter our competition."

Before I know it, I'm in front of a panel,

and there's a whole bunch of contestants,

and I'm whistling. And they say, "You're now Britain's Whistling Builder for 2010."

-There you go. That's worth a round of applause.

-APPLAUSE

-Although...

-Whistling builder.

-I know you are the whistling builder.

But I'm meant to guess, that's the problem.

I'll be honest, I don't mind cos I'm rubbish, so you've come on and told me what's happening. Sweet.

I'll just crack on with the interview.

So, what do you get if you win the championship?

-Well, I got £1,000.

-Sweet.

And it wasn't in vouchers actually.

Oh, that was a man who's been burnt by presents, isn't it?

-I went on holiday.

-Where did you go?

-A diving trip in the Red Sea.

-You should have gone to the jungle to annoy some birds.

-Yeah, actually.

HE WHISTLES

-Have you ever done that?

-Yes. I do bird calls.

-But, what...?

You deliberately try and get birds horny, essentially?

Yeah, it happens.

The only one I... Heuh-heuh-heuh, you know with the wood pigeon.

I try, when you hear one, you're like, heuh-heuh-heuh, to see...

Just cos I love the idea that he's going, hargh hargh. It's just me.

I'm quite lonely at the minute.

-I can do an elevator.

-Go on, do an elevator.

-When you get that silence in the elevator, and people don't know what to do.

-Yeah, go on.

HE MAKES A HUMMING NOISE

And at the cinema, the curtains going...

HE WHISTLES LIGHTLY

Do you know what I like to do in the silence in the lift?

Just say out loud, "I'm not wearing socks."

-That would work.

-It gets rid of the silence, and you've got the lift to yourself.

I've got some household items.

It's turning into QVC now.

You can always make a whistle if you can't whistle. So, there you go.

-Blow really hard in there.

-OK.

-Right, is that... No?

-Go. Really hard.

-HONKING

-Oh, Christ.

That's another one.

-Oh, we've got another one. Sweet, excellent.

-Everyone must have a pen. Block one end.

Not everyone has pens, mate.

-HIGH-PITCHED SHARP WHISTLE

-Whoa!

-BREATHY WHISTLE

-A-hargh!

I'm quite competitive. I'm not sure if that's coming across.

HE STRUGGLES TO WHISTLE

It's broke, mate, it's fucked, that one. What about this one?

This is a smaller one. Just do the lid. You can...

-CLEAR WHISTLE

-Wow.

RASPING WHISTLE

You're being an idiot now.

SLIGHT WHISTLE There you go!

They're broke, they're all broke.

That'd be impressive!

-I genuinely enjoyed that. What was your name again?

-Adam.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my wonderful mystery guest, Adam.

CHEERING

Have you seen the latest in kids' fashion?

As diapers are becoming more fashionable,

Huggies is unveiling a denim diaper.

Denim diapers!

What is this, pimp my nappy?

I'd love to see the advert. What are they going to do, have some kids strutting in Paris,

as women lose control, and a man releases some balloons?

# My diapers

# Full of chic

# I poo in blue. #

The limited edition Huggies jean diaper.

That is every single shade of wrong, isn't it?

Someone at Huggies goes, "We need to make nappies more absorbent."

"No, make them sexy." Who wants their kids looking seductive?

When I have a baby, I want people to go, "Oooh." Not, "Unghhh."

"Look at him in his denim.

"He looks like a tiny French exchange student."

It's ridiculous, man. If you're going to make novelty nappies, I say make them fun for parents.

Why not put a picture of Piers Morgan on the inside?

Wouldn't that be great? "It's all over his face.

"I've never been so proud of our boy."

Why do the kids need to be fashionable?

It's the one time in their life when they're not self-conscious.

When I have kids, I'm going to take great delight in dressing them like this.

And this.

Every week, I like to end the show with something to make you feel good. This, it's brilliant.

It's about an amazing woman, and the incredible power of music.

I know people who have been used to standing outside the building in the street listening to her.

And just admiring her playing.

And she still plays.

Every day.

To the residents of this small apartment building in north London,

Alice Summer is simply the lady in number six.

Alice is the oldest holocaust survivor in the world.

In 1942, Alice was a well-known concert pianist living in Prague.

At age 39, she was deported to a Nazi concentration camp.

Under constant threat of extermination,

starving prisoners were permitted to paint, to perform and make music.

I knew that we will play.

And I was thinking, when we can play, it can't be so terrible.

The music, the music.

I felt that this is the only thing which helps me to...

..have hope.

It's a sort of religion, actually.

Music is...

..God.

I love that articulation at the end.

"Music is God." Now, if you think you've got a good news story that

you think we should know about, log on to our blog and tell us about it.

Thanks very much for watching Good News. Good night.

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