Episode 5 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, hello, hello.

Thank you very much indeed. Hello!

Welcome to Good News. So what have we learned this week?

We learned that news readers will read anything off autocue.

Good morning, you are watching ABC News 24, I'm Michael Rowland.

LAUGHTER

Did you see that reporter getting a blow job off a pensioner?

Officers are being briefed.

There is a 300 metre exclusion zone up to Royal Parade at the moment.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Sorry about that. Everyone does that on telly. We have a name for it.

A nice bit of Eric and Ernie to wake us up in the morning.

-LAUGHTER

-That's what we call it.

And finally, I came third in this year's Heat Magazine Weird Crush Of The Year.

-SCREAMING

-Oh, fuck off.

What pissed me off. Did you see who was at number 11?

# Go compare! #

LAUGHTER

Congratulations are in order to Prince William and Kate Middleton.

A Royal wedding next year -

Prince William and Kate Middleton are to marry.

It is brilliant because Kate Middleton is fit.

Finally, a QILF will be on the throne.

LAUGHTER

Let's face it, the one thing everyone is thinking,

"I hope they get married on a Monday - day off work."

There are rumours Harry is organising the stag do.

If he does, William will end up like this!

LAUGHTER

Big news of the week was this.

Our top story this afternoon a British couple captured by pirates

off the coast of Somalia and held for 388 days have been freed.

This is the fantastic news that Paul and Rachel Chandler

have been released.

I hate Somali pirates, rowing around Africa stealing white people -

they are like Madonna in reverse.

LAUGHTER

The Chandlers must be delighted they are home.

Can you imagine them catching up on the news stories they missed?

They won't believe it. He did what?

He turned up with a fishing rod and some chicken?!

LAUGHTER

She put a cat in a wheelie bin?!

Don't tease me. Really?

Really. You're joking! Seriously?!

Robbie's back in Take That!

Yes! You said I was mad to dream!

Robbie's back in Take That!

They were held hostage for over a year.

Did you see the footage of them in June appealing to Cameron?

What amazed me was how calm they were.

I would like to say congratulations to David Cameron first.

And as new Prime Minister we desperately need him

to make a definitive public statement of the Government's attitude to us.

That is manners, isn't it?

They have a gun to their head and they are going,

"First things first, well done, Mr Cameron."

You would think everyone would be happy about this story,

but that doesn't take into account Daily Mail readers.

These are genuine comments from their website

hours after they were released.

Gaz from the North East wrote:

Yeah, Gaz, they planned it.

Just like Elisabeth Fritzl

wearing those sexy clothes just to get famous.

It is unbelievable. Look what Diane from Staffordshire had to say:

How does your brain react like that?

They're free. "Yeah, but she should have split ends."

"She hasn't been kidnapped, she has been hiding in Toni & Guy."

LAUGHTER

Christine from the South simply wrote:

I don't care they have been held hostage for a year.

When, oh, when, will the council collect my wheelie bin?

LAUGHTER

We all know the Irish economy is struggling.

Ireland is repaying record Government debts as it struggles

with high unemployment, a housing market that has crashed

and the costs of supporting its banking system.

But never fear, Ireland, look what your government has come up with:

Preparations are under way for the distribution of free cheese

to needy people, starting on Monday.

53 tons of cheese will be given to charitable organisations

to distribute.

Free cheese for needy people.

53 tonnes of cheese.

Apparently, these guys have bought a house in Dublin.

LAUGHTER

It is amazing. Ireland announced cuts

of six billion and the Government are giving poor people free cheese.

What a piss take. "Got no money?

"Have a Dairylea dunker."

Poor people love cheese.

I have lost count of the amount of times I have seen a homeless guy go,

"Got any Cheddar?"

Also, with the Irish accent, imagine the confusion.

Some God-botherer knocks on your door.

"Have you thought about letting cheeses into your life?"

"I don't like cheeses."

"You don't like the baby cheeses?"

"No, I hate Mini Babybels."

LAUGHTER

"What about the Holy cheeses?"

"Swiss cheeses?"

"I didn't mean that one. You know, cheeses can bring you peace."

"Really? I heard it gave you nightmares."

LAUGHTER

"Moving on to the next story."

Maybe free cheese is a good idea.

Sometimes it can give you super-human powers.

# I'm on the top of the world looking down on creation... #

SNAP!

# This is the end

# My only friend... #

MUSIC: "Eye Of The Tiger" by Survivor

What else has been happening?

Michelle Obama is apparently the most powerful lady in the world.

America's First Lady has come top of a new list

compiled by business magazine Forbes.

But what caught my eye was this.

But there is bad news for the Queen.

She came only 41st in the list, 34 places below Lady Gaga.

LAUGHTER

Liz has not taken it well at all.

-Lady bloody-Gaga.

-Your Majesty.

That's right, Majesty. I'm the Queen of England.

I am on coins and stamps and you look like a Jedi prostitute.

LAUGHTER

Don't worry, though, the Queen has already come up

with a ways to get more popular.

If you're a Facebook fan and you're looking for new friends,

from today you can add the Queen.

Users of the social networking site

will be able to access photos of the Royal Family and keep up-to-date

with the latest news from Buckingham Palace.

The Queen on Facebook. How great is this?

Imagine her updating her status.

"Liz has spent the last hour trying to lick the back of her head

"to see if she tastes like a stamp."

"I can't reach, Philip!"

Imagine her sat in Buckingham Palace tagging photos.

"That's me in Balmoral. That's me with the corgis.

"Oh, there is Camilla looking at herself in the mirror."

The Queen will be joining all the groups.

What's this? I turn the pillow over to get the cold side?"

Yes, I do! Join.

I do sometimes laugh for no reason when I am on a bus. Join!

What's this, monkey rapes frog?

Oh, dear Christ.

-IMPERSONATES MAN:

-I don't know what you're complaining about.

That frog is having the time of his life!

Can you imagine Philip on the internet?

"Come on, Phillip, we're late."

"In a minute, I'm on ratemypoo.com."

Staying with the internet, a strange story from Russia.

A Russian artist has strapped himself into an electric chair

and asked online viewers to vote on his fate.

This happens every time 100 people on the internet vote for him

to receive a massive electric jolt.

He will do this every night for a week or until he is hospitalised.

Until he is hospitalised? It is like an S&M version of Operation.

I feel sorry for pets. What if he comes home and strokes them?

Did you see why he is doing it?

TRANSLATION: This is a test of how

society interprets freedom - do they want to use it to save or to kill?

It's not a test of how society interprets freedom.

It is a test of what bored kids will do on the internet.

"Shall we go on Just Giving and donate money to Oxfam?"

"No, let's make a fat man squeal."

You can't put your life in the hands of some random stranger.

Especially someone who has got a little bit giddy

because they've only just got online.

Electrocute a Russian man? Don't mind if I do.

I've won the Nigerian Lottery!

If you think this Russian artist is crazy, you should see his aunties.

They formed a girl band.

ALL: # My loneliness is killing me

# I must confess I still believe

# Still believe!

# When I'm with you I lose my mind

# Give me a sign

# Hit me, baby One more time. #

Now, did you hear about the latest publishing sensation?

I am Alexander, founder of comparethemeerkat.com.

Alexander, who is famous for coining the catchphrase "simples",

is out promoting his new book.

Alexander the meerkat has published a book.

He even did an interview.

He joins us from Russia today.

Good morning. You are looking very dashing

this morning, Alexander, if I may say so.

Yes, you may say so, Christine.

May I say that you have the glossy fur and alluring scent

of a well-groomed racoon.

To be honest, all we want to know, have there been any sex scandals?

Let's just say that you don't get to where I am

without tangling a few pyjamas.

Son of a bitch!

Apparently, a lot of the animals he slept with are worried they will be in the book.

From a book about meerkats to something more shocking.

The world's biggest book retailer Amazon has defended its decision

to sell a book that advises readers on how to be a paedophile.

A guidebook for paedophiles?

What is it called? Nonce Upon A Time?

I tell you what, I hope it's not a pop-up.

GROANING

The only person happy about this book is Dan Brown

because he is no longer the most-hated author on the planet.

Do you know what my first thought was when I saw this book?

That's my brother's Christmas present sorted.

Wouldn't that be amazing? He is spending it round his girlfriend's.

"Daniel, what have you got from your brother?"

"Nothing."

"Go on, show everyone."

"No!"

The funny thing is, he is an excellent paedophile.

Obviously that's not going to make the telly show.

He's an average paedophile.

He's not a paedophile, I should say.

My brother has a real life

and I don't want people throwing stuff at him.

Annoyingly, I can't get him that book now because Amazon stopped selling it.

Instead, I am getting him this classic album.

Songs For Gay Dogs. It is a cracker. From controversy to idiocy.

A book was released this week cataloguing

the worst game show answers.

Sometimes you really despair of the human race.

Someone was asked, "Name a bird with a long neck," and they said...

Naomi Campbell.

Here is another - name a TV soap.

The answer was...

Dove.

Who are these people? Next.

What B is the usual four-letter word for a newborn infant?

That's obvious, isn't it?

Wasp.

My personal favourite, what happened in Dallas on November 22nd 1963?

I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

Did you see the story about a fight that really got out of hand?

Of all things to fight about, Westmoreland said,

punches started flying over this lawn mower.

One thing led to another and before I knew it, there was knives and guns

and everything just went haywire.

If you think getting a gun out in a lawnmower fight is mad,

have a look at what happened next.

They cut my beard and forced me to eat it.

LAUGHTER

You can't not laugh. They made him eat his beard!

I know it's mean but a fat man with blood on his face

and hair in his mouth, he must have looked like he'd gone down on a Wookiee.

I wanna know, what kind of creepy weirdo forces a man to eat their own beard?

LAUGHTER

I shouldn't take the piss.

This ordeal has had a profound psychological effect upon our beard-eating friend.

It's not as long as it was.

-WITH ACCENT:

-"It's upset my whole family.

"My sister says it tickles when we kiss."

Some big sports stories recently. We had the Manchester derby.

Did you see where Carlos Tevez tried to hide his keys?

Did you see him getting them out?

Talking of fisting, it's been a big week for boxing.

The rather timid Audley Harrison was no match for David Haye,

and hardly a punch was thrown until the third round,

when Haye had predicted he would floor his heavier opponent.

He may have won but he's difficult to love.

The greatest heavyweight of them all, Muhammad Ali, said this.

I murdered a rock, injured a stone, hospitalised a brick!

I'm so mean, I make medicine sick.

Whereas David Haye, he says stuff like this.

This fight will be as one-sided as a gang rape.

LAUGHTER

It gets you right there, doesn't it?

Now, if you think that is shocking, check out this story

about a professional rugby player and his fall from grace.

Canberra Raiders player Joel Monaghan has apologised

for what he describes as an alcohol-fuelled prank

which led to a lewd photograph of him being circulated

on an online social-networking site.

Lewd photo? Him with a couple of girls, I suppose!

That brings a whole new meaning to the term, "give a dog a bone."

Do you know the best thing about this story?

The way it was reported in Korea.

Isn't that amaz...? That's their news!

"Brilliant, a man's been sucked off by a dog, let's make a cartoon!"

Can you imagine the morning after this happened?

I bet his mates destroyed him.

He's got a massive hangover, and they're like,

"You know the best way to cure that, mate? Hair of the dog."

LAUGHTER

The funniest thing about this story is Joe Monaghan wants to escape the taunts by coming to England.

Never going happen, isn't it?

You know what we're like with crowd chants.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

This is the part of the show I don't know anything about.

There's a mystery guest who has been in the news

and I have to figure out who it is. Please welcome my mystery guest.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Hello.

-I'm Olly, nice to meet you.

-I'm Russell.

-Hi, Rich.

-Olly and Rich, lovely to meet you.

I'm guessing you have something to do with golf.

You look like you try and pick up old ladies that enjoy golf.

LAUGHTER

-A bit crazier than that.

-I've guessed already.

Are you like crazy golf champions or something?

You're not far off.

Did you once have a nervous breakdown whilst playing golf?

Close, yes. We've certainly travelled a long way.

OK, you played crazy golf... in a lunatic asylum.

That would be the craziest...

-All crazy golf is in a lunatic asylum.

-I need more help, sorry.

So you travelled somewhere?

We represented Great Britain.

OK, so is there a crazy golf championship?

5,000 miles away, it was.

OK, that's not going to help me but...

So you represented Great Britain at crazy golf somewhere.

-Can you tell me where?

-We represented at the Asian Open in China.

-Fantastic, and how did you get on?

-Well, I came 14th.

That's all right, hey, look up! It's fine.

-I was pleased to beat the Iranian women's team.

-Good, yeah. Good scalp.

And Richard...

I did a bit better, I came second, got the silver medal.

-Would you like to see the trophy?

-I would love to.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

There you go.

Nicely phallic. The, erm...

That's fantastic, isn't it? Don't come near it, 14th.

LAUGHTER

Can we play a bit?

-Yeah.

-Sweet. Well done, by the way.

-Let's have a game of mini golf!

CHEERING

Right, OK.

-I'll go down there in case you hit it off the back.

-OK.

This is the fantastic lighthouse hole.

I like the name.

Should I lift my socks up?

LAUGHTER

WOLF WHISTLE

They are odd socks!

Are there any tips? What should I be doing?

A nice delicate grip on the shaft would be nice.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

Oh, oh no, how near!

I see it. That is it...

It's in!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So...what were you doing before you got into crazy golf?

Mad shit, gangster crap?

I did three pantomime horse races, one dressed as a cow last year.

I needed something new to do, and here I am.

I love people like you, I genuinely do.

I love the idea that you went, "I've wasted my life dressed up

"as a pantomime cow..."

"Golf!"

Is it basically just a big piss-up?

-It is for us.

-There's some interesting characters.

Everyone's got their own nicknames.

Owen "Jackpot" Johnson, Tim "The Ace Man" Davis -

he's like the Tiger Woods of the crazy-golf world.

A bit better behaved, though.

Have you any names?

-I'm "The Machine".

-Of course, you are.

-Richard needs a nickname.

-I need a nickname. Maybe we should put it to the audience.

Can we do that? That would be great, any nicknames?

-Gentle Touch.

-Gentle Touch?

That's quite nice, isn't it? What a lovely moment.

I now pronounce you... In fact, I'll knight you, that would be nice.

I now pronounce you "Gentle Touch."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Arise, Sir Gentle Touch!

What a wonderful name.

So what's your favourite hole? Have you got a particular one you look forward to?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I think I'll let "Gentle Touch" answer that.

OK. What hole do you like to slam it in?

It's got to be the last one, hasn't it? To be honest.

LAUGHTER

Thanks very much, I enjoyed that. Lovely meeting you again.

-Thank you very much.

-Good luck on your crazy-golf travels.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my mystery guests!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Have a look at this story about a lovely old lady.

By day, Ruth Flowers is a tea-drinking English lady in her 70s.

Aw, that's nice, isn't it?

I wonder what she does at night.

Meet Ruth Flowers.

She is a fucking great DJ.

A grandmother from Bristol has become an international DJ.

Instead of foam parties, do you reckon she does Radox nights?

"You're going to get off your box on lavender!"

A granny DJ is pretty cool, innit? If you asked most pensioners

to do some scratching, they'll show you their eczema.

Honestly. If I told my nan to drop some funky shit...

LAUGHTER

You see where I'm going, right?

The best thing about Ruth Flowers, young, old, people seem to love her.

They... They mob me, and they say, "I want to be your grandchild.

"I want you to be my grandmother."

Or I am "awesome", whatever that is.

Of course, she's awesome. You saw what she did to that news reporter.

Officers are being briefed as to the situation. There is a 200-metre...

From artificial hips to hip-hop, did you see the latest news about Snoop Dogg?

Snoop Dogg is a massive fan of Coronation Street.

Yeah, not only that, he said he asked his agent to get him a guest

appearance on the soap,

and apparently they said they were interested.

Wow! Snoop Dogg is going to be on Coronation Street.

I'd love to see that episode.

I can't get over this story,

maybe it's just me, but Snoop loves Corrie - it's so weird!

You imagine him after a gig going, "I need some bitches,"

but instead he's like, "I gots to know what's happening with Jack Duckworth."

Have you seen what Snoop is building?

Snoop is building a replica of the Rovers Return in LA,

and he aggressively asserted,

"Nothing will stop me selling Betty's hotpot,"

declaring that Coronation Street is where it's at.

Who in their right mind is going to go there?

My favourite part of the whole story, Snoop is planning to fly Betty to serve the first dish.

At what point will someone tell him it's not actually real?

Poor Betty will be terrified, shivering in the kitchen.

"Snoopy, it's all make-believe." "Betty, where da food at?"

LAUGHTER

"Snoop, I'm an actor."

"Betty, I got some hungry-ass bitches out there."

"I'm not a cook, Snoopy, it's all pretend."

"Betty...

"..don't make me call Pat Butcher."

LAUGHTER

I tell you what,

his love of Corrie and all things Northern has really changed his music.

RAPS: # I love drugs and I love hoes

# But not as much as I love Ken Barlow

LAUGHTER

# Smoking grass, that's my choice I'm gonna get high with Ashley's boy

# Break it down, Ashley!

# I was a gangster I used to be a cheater

# But it's all good Cos now I'm banging Rita

# I love hips, I love legs

# But they ain't shit compared to Greggs

# Pasty, pasty, pasty, steak slice!

# Ashley, Ashley, Ashley That's nice. #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Time for a good-news story.

This is an amazing French artist called JR, who travels the world taking inspirational pictures

of women from impoverished and brutal environments.

He then displays them on what he calls the largest canvas on earth.

They all wanted to share their story, that their story travel.

When you hear the story, you're like,

"Whoa, maybe the person has died inside,"

but then when you ask her to do faces,

then you can see life.

And then I say, "I'm going to paste the photo back in your city,

"so everybody can see for you and for the people here."

If you've got a good-news story you think we should know about,

log on to our blog and tell us about it. Thanks for watching.

Good night.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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