Episode 6 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome to Good News. So, what have we learned this week?

We've learned what Bill Turnbull says during sex.

I'm the daddy now.

I don't know about you, but I think Anne Widdecombe's been flashing.

I don't think I've seen such a dirty engine room for many a year.

And this is undoubtedly the best mug shot ever.

We have new details about the man police say is responsible for a crime spree.

A grand jury has indicted Mark Siebenmorgen on several charges...

So, the big religious news of the week came form the Pope.

For the first time the Pope has suggested that the use of condoms

might not always be wrong.

To be honest judging by his choice of furniture we should've seen this coming.

"I like my chairs ribbed for extra comfort."

He said that condoms can only be used in exceptional circumstances.

I'm guessing he doesn't mean this.

What does "exceptional circumstance" even mean?

You can only use a condom

if you're rubbing yoghurt on your nipples dressed as a puffin?

It's not as if people use condoms in ordinary circumstances.

I've never gone, "Shit, I'm going to miss that bus! I'd better rubber up!"

Just chasing after a double decker with a semi.

What are these exceptional circumstances?

Pope Benedict says in a new book the use of condoms

can be justified in some cases, such as for male prostitutes.

Male prostitutes?!

Sounds like someone at the Vatican has got a new special advisor.

"His name is Cardinal Disco and you must obey him."

We shouldn't be surprised.

Have you seen what the Pope wears under his robes?

I'd love it if the Pope brought out his own condoms.

Can you imagine the advert?

Want to go for 40 days and 40 nights?

You won't Adam and Eve our new Pope condom.

When she's on her knees,

pray you've got one of these.

Papal condoms - take your lover to Heaven and back.

The other big news was, of course, this.

Prince William and Kate Middleton

will be married on Friday 29th April at Westminster Abbey.

People in their home town are royally pleased.

-I think it's fantastic.

-It's really lovely.

It's maybe just the bit of good news we need at the moment to cheer us up.

-Are you excited about the wedding?

-Absolutely not.

You've got to love the Queen's reaction.

The Queen said she's absolutely delighted.

She ordered 300 bottles of vintage champagne.

"Let's get wankered!"

How much would you love to see the Queen pissed?

"Hello!

"I own all the swans in England.

"Let's have a sing song."

(RAPS) "I wanna stop, collaborate and listen

"Ice is back with my brand new invention

"Something grabs a hold of me tightly

"Pull like a hawk come daily and nightly

"Will it ever stop? Yo, I don't know

"Turn on the flow, and I'll go To the extreme

"I wanna rap like a vandal

"Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle

"Dance, when you're feeling dope melody

"Anything less than the best is a felony

"If you got a problem, yo, I'll solve it

"Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it

"Ice!

"Philip, I think I'm ready for bed!

Take me to bed, Philip!"

I really got carried away there.

The media went haywire.

They even asked Danny Dyer what he'd get them for a wedding gift.

I'd like to see them eating pie and mash. The King, you know?

Or some jellied eels.

I'd force him to eat 'em in front of me.

"Eat the eels, you slag, or I'll cut ya!"

Did you see the way it was reported in Taiwan?

Look out for what they put on Harry'sarm

and what they reckon Prince Philip will do at the wedding.

You've got to love the way they do news.

"Royal wedding? Let's make Harry a Nazi and Phillip a pervert."

One of the bizarre bits of trivia, apparently Kate had fancied Wills for ages.

Her crush had begun much earlier.

On the wall of her boarding school dormitory, a teenage Kate had pinned

a poster of the boy prince who would one day become her husband.

Psycho!

If you married the person you had on the wall when you were little,

I'd be banging these two.

And I don't ever want to think about, "To me," "To you,"

"Stop it! Let me go."

"Go on, Barry, do him."

For me, the best part of the wedding day will be when Harry does a speech.

He is guaranteed to get pissed and put his foot in it.

I will never forget Grandad's response when Wills said he was marrying Kate.

Remember what you said, Grandad?

"A fucking Muggle?!"

You know, we are like the Mafia, cross us, you'll wake up with a horse's head in your bed.

Mind you, Dad doesn't mind.

Come on, everyone, it's a joke!

Next up, meet Stuart Ross. He's only got one dream - he wants to fly.

Seeing the jet pack at the beginning of the 1984 Olympics

is an image that stuck with me.

To build a jetpack,

or to operate a jet pack,

to fly a jetpack, is just my dream.

It flies a bit like a Harrier jump jet.

With vector thrust and so on.

Vector thrust, wow!

Let's see this baby in action.

Incredible!

This bloke is so deluded.

-Stuart, how was that for you?

-We got a few inches off the ground,

but what we plan on doing is getting higher and higher and higher and higher.

Higher and higher and higher and higher.

I've beaten you already, mate.

He's like a nutter on Dragons' Den.

"Hello, dragons.

I made a sat-nav for bumble bees.

"The colours!"

Now, talking of sat-navs, did you hear the great news about Brian Blessed?

Fantastic. A sat-nav voiced by this guy.

Gordon's alive?

It's such a great idea.

Mind you, you wouldn't want to go the wrong way.

Tosser!

Have you seen what he does when you reach your destination?

When people arrive at their destination, I do the Tarzan.

-Tarzan?

-Yeah.

Aaahhhhhh!

I'm getting one of these!

I also want a Brian Blessed car horn. Wouldn't that be great?

"Out of the way, dickhead!"

We should clone him so that every house has its own mini Brian.

You'd never get burgled. Imagine that.

"I'm going to burgle..." "Fuck off!"

I love him. But then, how can you not love a man that describes a Palm Pilot like this.

Palm Pilot?

Sounds like a wanking machine.

Check out what this guy's spent his life inventing.

His name, Doug Heinz, and he's making Roxxxy,

which he hopes to be the world's first sex robot.

Sex robot?! Who wants to shag a machine?!

I've never looked at a microwave and gone, "If only she had tits."

Mind you, at least you'd know when she'd had an orgasm.

PING

Enjoy that, babe?

Maybe I'm being naive. I shouldn't judge before I've seen this robot beauty.

This is Roxxxy's face, which is our model face.

As you can see, the beauty that she has is quite striking.

Striking?! Who finds that beautiful?

What do you look for in a woman?

"I like them decapitated.

"And on a wooden desk".

Call me picky, but as my dear old man would say,

"If you're going to buy a robot sex doll, make sure it's got a growler."

Luckily, there's another fox in town...

This is Roxxxy II.

What the hell is that?

You can make her look like anyone in the world and you go for melting Anne Robinson?!

I tell you what, though, maybe I'm judging.

If that's your thing, look what else Roxxxy can do.

Her pelvic area thrusts when she's being intimate.

We also have a very large tongue, which I'll show you in a moment.

It's very erotic.

This is the future. This is so cool.

Did you hear him at the end?

He's holding the tongue, going, "That's the future."

I thought it would be hoverboards,

not getting a blowie off an android with a tongue like a cow.

What I want to know, what kind of creepy weirdo would buy a sex robot?

Now for something altogether more artistic.

In Poland's Silesian province,

something may be about to shake up the world of art.

Maceba the horse has learned how to paint.

No, she hasn't.

A mad woman has just stuffed a brush in her mouth.

All that was wants to paint is, "Please get me out of here!

"I'd rather be Pritt Stick than this!"

A painting horse - I tell you what, how it pissed off would you be if you're a jockey?

"Come on! We're nearly at the end of the race..."

"Don't move, the light is perfect.

"I must paint you, little man, for I am an artist."

It's ridiculous. They even got someone to review it.

TRANSLATION: It's art of expression.

Very...interesting.

Very shit.

It looks like someone's stamped on Morph.

If you think her painting's bad you should see her try and write a novel.

I tell you what, some incredible tales from the world of retail this week.

Did you hear about this special promotion?

An Israeli electronic store has been bleating

about a novel and pretty unusual way of drawing spenders in.

Coupons? A loyalty card?

Buy a TV or another device here, and you'll get a brand new sheep thrown in with it.

I bet there's a load of perverts in Wales going, "Oh! Excited!"

Free sheep?! I bet the customers were furious.

TRANSLATION: I got a sheep.

I bought a fridge for a very good price, and got a sheep.

I won't miss such an opportunity.

How excited is he?! I bet he gets home,

"Yasmeena! We have a fridge for cold food!

"And lady sheep for free milk!

"Mmm! Glorious milk, Yasmeena!

"Farouk,

"that is no lady."

So, could it get any weirder? Yes, it can.

Check out these new toys.

The German toy maker, and they make toys there,

has created a new line of stuffed animals with psychiatric disorders.

For 38 bucks, you can own a mentally-ill toy,

complete with medical history, a referral letter and a treatment plan.

Among them, Doug the turtle, who suffers from severe depression.

Dolly the sheep, she's got multiple personality disorder.

And of course there's Croco, a crocodile with an irrational fear of water.

Shocking, isn't it? I can't believe that they missed Bi-polar Bear.

Mind you, this has nothing on this next story.

Why? It's nearly Christmas.

You give me one good reason...

How offensive could they get?!

What was their slogan?

"Transformers, robots in permanent care".

It's unbelievable how thick they can be.

Apparently they've also halted production of Optimus Nonce and ClungeKnob SquarePants.

It's so shocking. I can't believe they were going to call a Transformer Spastic.

Imagine Santa getting that call.

"You want a what for Christmas?!

"Sorry, sorry, mate, it's a bit of a bad line.

"Surely ALL the transformers are plastic?

"What?!"

Luckily, it's all fine now.

Apparently they're going to rename him Scope.

I tell you what, it's not just Transformers behaving badly.

Look where Buzz Lightyear's put his straw.

Now, have you heard the latest botanical revelation?

A new study has found that if you talk to your plant,

it's more likely to thrive if you have a Scouse accent.

Yeah, you heard right.

Plants grow more if you talk to them in a Scouse accent. How did they find this out?

Was there a gardener trying different accents?

-POSH ACCENT:

-Come on, Mr Plant!

-IRISH ACCENT:

-Ah, come on, would you grow for Daddy, just a little bit?

-WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:

-Seriously, mate, I need you to grow. Please?

-INDIAN ACCENT:

-Please will you grow for me?

That doesn't work.

-LIVERPOOL ACCENT:

-Seriously, mate, just fucking grow, would you, just a little bit for da... Ooh!

Poor Scousers. It must be like being a really crap superhero.

"I can travel through time!"

"That's nothing, mate. I can make daffodils big".

It's ridiculous. This report is a farce.

You won't be surprised to hear

that these findings are not based on scientific research.

Really(?)

Of course it's not based on science. They gave the plants names.

This is Bernard, a house plant.

Bernard doesn't have a Scouse accent.

At least, he didn't when we filmed him this afternoon.

Wouldn't it be great if the plant went, "Bitch, get that mic out of my face!"

I tell you what though, if the Scouse accent does make plants grow,

we should use them for the good of mankind.

Drought...

Crop failure...

Just £5 a month can provide an African village with its very owns Scouser.

As they say themselves, famine...

My arse!

From Liverpool to America, and the unhealthiest restaurant in the world.

A restaurant in Chandler, Arizona, is attracting new customers

by promising death and disease to its patrons.

Here, there are no healthy choices.

This is the Heart Attack Grill.

AMBULANCE SIREN BLARES

Look at that food. Greasy, disgusting, wrong.

But at the same time, strangely irresistible.

Much like this guy.

I can't believe it's called the Heart Attack Grill.

How honest is that? That's like calling a brothel The Next Day Itch.

You should meet the restaurant owner. He's an absolute cowboy.

I run perhaps the only honest restaurant in America.

Hey, this is bad for you, and it's going to kill you.

You dress like a doctor, but are you a doctor?

To be honest, the American Medical Association does not recognise me.

Damn right they don't.

Let me check your vitals here, Bill.

I think my heart's on that side.

He doesn't care. This is an actual advert that he's put on telly to promote his own business.

The Heart Attack Grill diet is not for everyone.

Side effects may include sudden weight gain, repeated increase of wardrobe size,

back pain, male breast growth, loss of sexual partners, lung cancer,

tooth decay, liver sclerosis, stroke, and an inability to see your penis.

Mmm!

Now, this is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.

There's a mystery guest who's been in the news. I have to figure out who that is.

Please welcome my mystery guest.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Pleasure to meet you, sir. My name's Russell, what's your name?

Good evening, Russell. My name's Dickie Borthwick.

Dickie Borthwick? It's a great name.

-Scottish.

-You're Scottish?

-Yeah.

OK. I'm guessing it's something to do with football?

-You could be right there.

-I could be right.

Are these boots that you've worn?

I've not actually worn those boots, but I've worn similar boots in the past.

Right. Did you used to be a professional footballer?

No. I would have liked to have been.

Who wouldn't, man? Do you still play now?

Actually, I DO still play.

Do you really? Wow.

OK, are you, like, the oldest footballer in Britain?

You're right.

Is that right? Fantastic.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

How old are you? Do you mind if I ask?

I'll ask in a kinder way. Do you remember the films of Gregory Peck?

-Yes.

-So you're about 70?

-A little bit more.

-Bit more?

Wow, and you're still playing? 75?

-You're correct.

-Wow, congratulations. You're still playing. What position?

-It's known as left midfield.

-I know left midfield, yeah.

-That's where I play.

-Really?

-Yeah, I'm a lot like Pires.

What I do...

Yeah, I drift.

-Really?

-Have you got a ball?

-It so happens...

-Have we really?

It's not one of the modern balls.

-It's the type we used to play with when I was sort of 16, 18.

-OK.

Let's have a kick around.

-Why not?

-You're up for that? Cheers, that would be sweet.

I'm going to do some tricks!

Ooh, that's right!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This is great.

Shall we go over here? Shall we do keepy-ups? You up for that?

-Not keepy-ups, but...

-No? OK.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's have a kick around. What a great job this is I have.

-Go on, nice.

-Yeah, yeah.

Do you know what this feels like?

This feels like Field Of Dreams.

I've met my future self.

On yer 'ed.

Come on, sunshine, let's have a quick word.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

How's the game changed in all those years?

It's changed dramatically.

The game is so much faster.

Did you have WAGs when you started?

Yeah, I've had my followers.

You've had your followers?

You'd get a card now and again through the letterbox.

"Congratulations, Dick, on scoring."

-Your name is Dick, isn't it?

-It is.

Otherwise, that's a very different card.

Do you reckon you'll ever give up? Why? It's fantastic.

Personally, I've got a few more years left in me yet.

-Of course you have.

-I play for a team called Wyke Regis Veterans.

We've been going for about 40 years now, I've been associated with them for 40 years.

Had a game Sunday, down at Weymouth.

-Won 5-2.

-Get in.

They allowed me to take the penalty.

-Straight down the middle, like a rocket.

-Fantastic.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-You didn't celebrate that at all?

-I came out and shook hands.

That's the way it used to be. None of this kissing and hugging.

You're going to hate me, do you know what I used to do when I was 12?

I was a dickhead when I was 12.

I used to score and genuinely do this.

It's been a genuine pleasure, thank you so much for coming on.

-Please give it up... What is your full name, sir?

-It's Dickie Borthwick.

Dickie Borthwick, ladies and gentlemen!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, what's been happening in the world of crime?

For me, this has to be headline of the year.

What an idiot. Dressing as a clown is hardly going to help you in a police line-up.

You're probably thinking the lady was terrified. Guess again.

This character in a clown mask threw open my bathroom door.

I was on the commode. So it was kind of a surprise!

I love that. On the toilet, openly laughing at him.

What I want to know, who was more freaked out?

I bet they were going, "Ahh! You're a clown!"

"Ahh! You're an old lady on the toilet!

"It looks like you've got Brian Blessed's head in your lap!"

"She has!

"I'm a mini Brian Blessed!

"Now fuck off!"

The reason I adore this story is because of what the lady considered doing to the clown.

I thought about doing ninja stuff to him but I thought, "No, he's faster than I am."

So I more or less just sat there on the lid.

So beautiful. "I thought about doing ninja stuff.

"But I thought, nah, I'll just continue having a pooh."

Although I'd love to see a ninja granny.

Imagine that, swooping down from a rooftop.

"I'm 84!

"Horlicks."

Time for the good news story.

I saw this beautiful story on Children In Need.

I was watching it with my dog, interestingly.

It's a little bit of detail, you don't need it, but it makes sense in a minute.

I saw this organisation called Dogs For The Disabled.

I thought it was lovely, and wanted to share it with you.

It's about a young girl called Victoria.

When I first went to school I thought everything would be fine.

I was really happy, really bubbly.

Like a Year Seven should be.

As the term went on, I suddenly realised I was not going to have many friends.

Some children think I'm all right.

But most of them view me as dumb, or maybe a little bit stupid,

because they only just see my walker.

Because I can't join in some of the activities that the children do at school, I feel very lonely.

But it's all changed now I've got my dog, Yaffle.

My mum found out about the Dogs For Disabled when she typed it into the computer.

I was so excited.

Ecstatic is the word.

Yaffle, come on!

Yaffle is like my friend, my helper.

My best buddy in life.

Such a good boy, aren't you?

Coming home to Yaffle is like the clouds opening and the sun coming through.

Good boy! Yaffle, come here.

School is improving a lot, and I'm now talking to people like I never used to.

The most important thing Yaffle has given me

is my independence and my confidence, and my love for life again.

This way.

He's just beautiful, inside and out.

Genuinely lovely, isn't it?

I was watching that, I'll let you into a secret, I had a bit of a tear in my eye.

I was kind of like, "Oh, man," you know?

You see something and you go, "Aah."

And I looked down at my dog, and he was licking his arse.

I really hope you've enjoyed tonight's show, good night.

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