Episode 7 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you. Thank you very much. Very nice of you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!

Hello and welcome to Good News.

-MEMBER OF AUDIENCE WHISTLES

-Thanks, fella!

What's been happening?

Over in America, some ground-breaking advice for dieters.

Never eat a cupcake as big as your head.

Back in England, Kay Burley saw a penis for the first time.

How does it work?

-Can I have a play with it?

-Of course you can.

Why have you got one and I haven't?

Eamonn Holmes described the one luxury he'd take on a desert island.

A Premiere League footballer who's got a massive erection.

So how British is this? The big story of the week is the weather.

-It's been another night of snow.

-Snow.

-Snow.

-Snow.

-Snow.

-Snow. Snow.

-Snow.

-Snow.

-The worst November snows seen in Britain for 17 years.

I love it when it snows. The entire country becomes like a Carry On film.

"I had eight inches in my driveway. Mm!"

"My back passage was soaking.

"Oh, matron!"

Do you know who I feel sorry for?

The reporters. They have left this woman in snow since last Friday.

Then the snow was up to my knees.

Today it's well above.

"I can't feel my feet." It could be worse. Look what American reporters have to put up with.

Another dangerous game kids play is to tunnel in snow banks

near the road.

A few years ago one boy...

You're applauding! "Yeah!"

I tell you what. If you think she chose a bad spot, check this guy out.

I've got my trusty stopwatch and here they come down the hill.

It looks like Ruben is in the lead, and here comes...

Mind you, I have to say to you I had a terrible incident earlier this year. I went sledging...

It's already fairly weird - I'm 30, most of them are eight.

I crashed in front of a load of kids. Could it get worse? Yes.

Some Haribo fell out of my pocket.

The only way I could have looked more of a paedo is if I was next to an ice cream van dressed as a puppy.

Do you know what else is great? How calm our weather men are.

If you're out and about, it will certainly be the scarf and mittens

and more than likely the old snow shovel into a few spots as well.

In America, not so calm.

That's only one problem.

Problem number two - 14 to 22 inches of snow!

Saturday afternoon. Tertiary problem...

Yeah, I've been reading the dictionary.

Blowing and drifting!

Oh, three-, four-, five-feet drifts!

So you shovel, drifts back over, shovel, drifts, shovel... Argh!

Grr! Aside from the weather, the other big news is, of course, this.

The publication of confidential US diplomatic cables

by the website WikiLeaks has been criticised by

several governments including Britain, America and Pakistan.

Does anyone else think that WikiLeaks sounds like an STD you get from Hogwarts?

"All right, Ron?" "No, I've got WikiLeaks."

"Testicular reperitar!"

Of all the WikiLeaks, this one really caught my eye.

Some of the leaks are less serious, but still uncomfortable.

There are suggestions of inappropriate behaviour by a member of Britain's royal family.

"Philip, they're on to us!"

"Get my stash. Big mama's going to blow the nest."

So who was inappropriate? My money was on this guy.

"Inappropriate behaviour's my middle name!

"Leave me alone with a swan, I'll give him a Hitler moustache.

"It's what I do!"

Amazingly, it wasn't Philip.

It was Prince Andrew and everyone around the country went, "I couldn't give a fuck.

"It's snowing outside. I'm going to make a snowman with a big, icy wang."

Next up, the student protests rumble on.

Good evening. Thousands of students have taken to the streets once again

to protest against the planned increase in university tuition fees.

For me, the funniest part of the whole riot was this photo.

Look at that.

He's hardly a struggling student.

He's wearing a wax jacket.

He's on his way to a pheasant shoot.

Look at this headline. He was meant to be at a job interview.

"Job interview went quite well, Mum." "Did it really?

"You're in The Sun flipping the bird!"

Bizarrely, he wasn't the thickest person at the march.

One student tried to write graffiti with a spoon.

I'm guessing she doesn't go to Oxford.

# White, suburban

# Middle class

# Never have to work again... #

This priest stole from his church to fund his unusual habit.

According to court documents, Father Keith LeBlanc was stealing money from

the church to fund a very expensive pornography habit.

Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase Palm Sunday.

I bet he was praying like that.

I'd love to have seen his sermons.

Can you imagine? "Jesus was whipped, stripped and nailed to a cross.

HE EXHALES

"Back in a minute."

BREATHING INTENSIFIES

ARGHHH!

HE SIGHS

So how much did he spend on porn? A couple of hundred dollars?

He racked up 25 grand on one credit card.

25 grand?

I bet his penis looked like this.

"Please, Master, leave me alone!"

So what's happening to him now?

Right now Father LeBlanc is at a treatment centre under the care of the archdiocese.

A treatment centre to stop you touching yourself?

Do you reckon they just play this on repeat?

AUDIENCE GROANS

Did you hear that?

FLESH THUDS

Well, you've got to question how I found that.

My Google was like, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, Google, go on." "I don't want to."

You know it's a bad sign when your laptop goes, "Yargh!"

My final crime story is this belter from Michigan.

New charges have been filed against a police officer who

admits to confiscating marijuana from suspects, then baking it in brownies.

Now if you think a rogue policeman making hash cakes is funny, you should listen to his 911 call.

"Really slow."

Mind you, there are worse occasions for time to be slow.

AUDIENCE GROANS

FLESH THUDS

-HE SPEAKS SLOWLY:

-Really slow...

Now, did you hear this fantastic story?

Three teenage boys have returned home after

being found alive after spending 50 days adrift in the South Pacific.

They were away for 50 days.

Poor sods. They missed most of my series.

Did you see what they survived on?

The boys, who were long-presumed dead, managed to stay alive on

rainwater, a couple of coconuts and a single raw seagull.

How handy's that? The exact ingredients that go into a Pot Noodle.

They must have got pretty close on the boat.

How awkward would it be if one of them went, "Listen, lads, we're not going to make it.

"I don't want to die a virgin."

"Come on. Who would know? It's not like a boat's going to turn up."

SHIP HORN BLARES

APPLAUSE

"Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

"Just one of my jokes.

"I've never bloody...bloody...

"Please don't tell anyone."

Back in Blighty, check out this freaky story.

What do they do for maths? Take them dogging?

"Right, kids. Let's show you how two goes into one." "Argh!"

Can you imagine the ceremony? "Does anyone know of any reason why these two should not be legally married?"

"They're five."

The best bit would be the moment they kissed.

An entire church full of kids going, "Urgh!

"You kissed a girl. What a gaylord."

Was it just a wedding? Oh, no.

They even had stag and hen parties.

They had a stag do. "Did you go to Vegas?"

"No, we built a den."

A five-year-old stag do? I'd love to see that.

I'm really not sure about this.

This feels really wrong.

Listen, love. We have the money.

Now do the dance.

# Who lives in a pineapple under the sea

# SpongeBob SquarePants

# SpongeBob SquarePants

# SpongeBob SquarePants

# SpongeBob SquarePants... #

Mind you, if you think a toddler wedding is peculiar,

have a look at the latest beauty pageant news from America.

More and more boys are capturing the crowns at beauty pageants

all across the country.

In fact, the percentage of boys participating

has doubled in just the last five years.

They are pageant boys competing for crowns in a girl's world.

Well, I'm going to be sick.

I'm sorry, I just find this wrong.

You get to win a bunch of trophies. And crowns.

Mind you, good-looking kid, must get that from his mum.

I honestly never thought we would be doing...

Ahh!

She looks like a scrotum with a scotch egg for a hat!

Look what she's making her child do.

Anything that pampers Zander, he likes.

He showed off his beauty regimen, that includes manicures and make-up.

Why don't you just gift wrap him for the bullies?

At that age, you should be collecting football stickers, not getting a back, sack and crack.

Look how terrifying this lady is.

When I see little girls, I always think, "I could turn my little boys into girls."

These are my girls that I never had.

"These are my girls I never had."

"These are my girls I..." Imagine if that was your mum.

"Come on, Ross. Put on your dress. Tuck your willy between your legs for mummy.

"What's your name?" "Russell." "What's your name?" Russell.

"What's your name?!!" "Rebecca."

"Leave me alone, Mum."

It's a disgusting world. Look how young they start them.

Some boys take the stage mere days after being born.

I think Kevin did really well. He was awake and wasn't crying.

He's a baby!

A baby beauty pageant, Christ. Can you imagine what they make them do?

MIDDLE EASTERN MUSIC PLAYS

So did you see Cameron's latest big idea?

The Prime Minister has launched a £2 million national consultation on

how to measure the nation's happiness.

The Government is going to see how happy we are.

Classic Cameron - student riots, recession, it's freezing, and he's going...

# If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands... # Come on, guys!

I didn't think you'd actually do it.

How lovely was that?

"Does that mean? No, sorry."

It's ridiculous. He's going to spend two million quid on a survey to see what makes us happy.

Tell you what'll make us happy, give us the £2 million. Let's spend it on something we'd all watch.

We can put a Lady Gaga meat dress on Jeremy Kyle and lock the prick in a zoo.

When we fill in the questionnaire, I say we wind Cameron up.

He'd go, "So, what would make them happy?"

"It says here, Prime Minister, they want to replace you with this guy."

Let's do it, man. You can't measure happiness, it's different for everyone.

Sometimes it can be something as simple as the right bit of music.

MUSIC: "Dog Days Are Over" by Florence And The Machine

It's different for every person.

For me, happiness is a cat, a tortoise and some Sellotape.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

If you want to be happy, here's a tip...

Spend some time with my brother. He doesn't care.

The other day, we were in Waterstone's, he picked up a copy of Twilight and in front of about

six teenage girls he started reading out, "Edward Cullen had never been so hungry for blood.

"Bella was on her period."

From nowhere, that's happened.

Suddenly, we're running away from a bookshop, giggling like monkeys.

If you're upset with your local council, you've got nothing on this village.

This is the sleepy village of Sarpourenx,

near the Pyrenees mountain range.

It's 300 residents have been getting on with life

pretty much as usual, until lately.

That was until their mayor took the rather radical step of banning any of his residents from dying.

He banned them from dying.

How mad is he? He's like Mayor West from Family Guy.

Imagine him walking around the village, "I have banned death.

"Hedgehogs must only wear bikinis and bread must now be called whitey slicey, put it in your mouthy."

Look at him! Have you ever seen anyone this French?

TRANSLATION: I've issued a decree in the village that you can't die here.

If you do, you will be severely sanctioned.

"Severely sanctioned."

There must be people operating dead relatives like puppets, "He's coming!

"Put your hand up your nan's arse."

Hello!

Nobody dead here.

Would you like a cup of tea?

Makes you think though. A village where you're not allowed to die.

Do you reckon that's where the BBC keeps this guy between series?

Staying in France, did you hear the fuss about the new Renault car?

French auto maker Renault has decided to name its new electric car "Zoe",

much to the chagrin

of about 35,000 people in France who share that same name.

Why are people upset about a car called Zoe?

Cedric Renault worries his daughter Zoe will be mocked.

-TRANSLATION:

-He said Zoe could hear comments like,

"How are her airbags?"

She will now,

now you've gone on telly and given everyone the idea.

Why the fuss? It's just a name.

Nobody accuses David Dick-in-son of having an affair with his child.

I liked it. Taking of weird stories, look at this.

A central Florida car seller is causing quite a stir with his latest

sales pitch - buy a truck, get a free AK47.

A truck and a free gun. It's like a sex offender starter kit.

What next? Free gaffer tape and bin bags? It's ridiculous.

Has anyone else noticed the fatal flaw in this promotion?

"Here's your truck, here's your gun.

"That will be 10,000."

"Guess again, dickhead."

Have you heard the latest scientific breakthrough?

A very well-respected university says psychic abilities

are no laughing matter.

New research from Cornell University has some serious findings

that suggest humans may have the ability to predict events before they happen.

Humans have psychic powers. Mind you, not everyone has mastered it.

A psychic drawing, a psychic drawing of Brian.

I don't even know what's going

to come out of this pen.

This is how psychic

it is.

I don't even know what the pen's doing.

I've got to take a peek.

Oh, God!

To be honest, she was thinking of Justin Bieber.

This study reckons if you concentrate hard enough, you can read someone's mind.

Let's give it a try. Let's see if we can do this.

How about you, sir, there with the jacket?

Let's see if I can read your mind.

"I'm having a lovely evening."

Pretty good. How about the bloke next to you with the rainbow top?

Here we go. Let's see if I can read your mind.

"It's so cold outside."

It is. That's a fair point. Madam on the end, let's do you.

Here we are. Let's see what's in your head.

"I eat babies. Yum, yum, yum, yum."

Let's give you another go, here we go. I'm wiping my hand.

"If I had a penis, I'd call it Derek."

S-s-sick bitch!

This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.

There's going to be a mystery guest who's been in the news and I have to figure out who that person is.

Please welcome my mystery guest.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello.

-Hello.

-I'm Russell, nice to meet you.

-I'm Tanys.

-Tanys, that's a great name. I've never heard that before.

So, I've got to guess what you do.

-Is it something to do with cheese?

-It might be.

OK. Do you make cheese?

You're going to have to try a bit harder.

Think of something really big.

It's something to do with cheese, it's big. Have you made the biggest block of cheese in England?

-You have nearly got it.

-Was it in a different country?

No, it was in this country, but, can I tell you what it is?

"No! We like to see him suffer!"

-You were nearly there before.

-So, it's the biggest cheese.

It's the... What are you doing?

It's cheese you can turn into a motorbike?

-It's... You made the biggest cheese sandwich?

-Cracker.

Hang on, don't help me.

-Pizza?

-No.

Stop it!

It's...

I know it gives you nightmares, but this is ridiculous.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Cheese sculpture.

Wait, hang on!

Have you made a cheese sculpture?

I have.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow!

Basically, I made the largest

cheese sculpture that's ever been made out of Cheddar.

What did you make?

The Guinness Book Of Records largest cheese for the Bath And West Show.

-There it is.

-There it is, me and my big cheese!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It was 600 kilos, arrived at my house, agh!

I was told, you've got to carve a crown made out of cheese.

That's what I did.

You make it sound like you didn't plan it. Somebody rocked up,

"Here's the cheese, make me a crown."

Not being funny, it was kind of like that.

My husband is basically the cheese man of Wookey Hole.

Have you done anything like this before?

The main thing that I actually do is I make cheese wedding cakes.

-So people come to me...

-Still amazing.

They want me to make cheese wedding cakes.

I also make cheese wedding cakes, which are covered in chocolate.

Don't worry, you would love it.

It looks fab, it looks like a big chocolate cake.

Then I put cheese chocolates all round it and the cheese chocolates,

I think you might have a chance to try some in a minute.

Here she comes.

My personal assistant.

-Now, now, now...

-Hello.

Hang on a minute! Am I on drugs? What is happening?

-No, you're not.

-We all saw a mouse, quite a sexy mouse.

It was a sexy mouse.

Have a taste of the chocolate. There's a white one.

How these cheese chocolates arose was...

Taste good?

APPLAUSE

Really?

He's eating it all, mind. He's doing really well.

Wouldn't it be terrible if it was riddled with Rohypnol and I went like that...

And you just dragged me off

and the rabbit just comes out.

-Have you tried this?

-I don't like the look of that.

That looks like something that Blobby,

that's what Noel Edmonds did to Blobby!

I'm doing Deal or No Deal! Die! Die!

-Maybe that's a next one, we've got to make a Blobby out of cheese.

-Make a Blobby?

Where do you reckon Blobby is now?

He's probably frozen somewhere.

He's on crack in Morecambe.

Getting back to Wookey Hole Caves, can you imagine, I'm there,

one reason I started doing this was because I was having to

clean the caves, rather than and I wanted to do something different.

This is so wonderful.

Everything starts with something mad at the beginning.

I had to do that because I was cleaning caves.

That's a tricky job in that they're caves.

I've never been around a cave and said, "This place is a shithole."

Cleaning stalactites. How weird is that?

-And all the cheese has to be turned.

-From where? Where's the cheese?

In Wookey Hole Caves. That's stored in the caves.

Who stores it there?

-My husband.

-Put it in the fridge!

You don't need to because it's nice and cold.

Wookey Hole Cheddar picks up the flavours of the cheese in the cave.

My girlfriend would never believe me if I went, I'm just off to put the...

In fact, saying that I'm off to put the cheese in a cave sounds...

..like a tremendous euphemism.

APPLAUSE

But I like you, I love people like you. That is wonderful. Please give it up for my mystery guest!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, sometimes the world can get you down and a story comes along that cheers you up.

Heathrow Airport officials have apologised to X Factor stars Jedward

after complaints about members of

security staff allegedly mocking and victimising the pair at Heathrow Airport.

John and Edward claim staff carried out extra security screenings for their own amusement.

I love that. "For their own amusement."

"Can you say rubber glove?"

Imagine the joy the security guards felt when they saw Jedward.

You do a job where you're allowed to put your finger up someone's arse

and two of the most annoying people ever turn up like that. "Aaaah!"

"Right, lads, let's see if twins really do feel each other's pain!"

Apparently while up there, they found this guy's wristwatch!

Now, talking of the X Factor... Thanks very much.

Talking of the X Factor, what about this for a story?

X Factor star Katie Waissel's grandmother has been exposed as an escort who sells sex to her clients.

Bloody hell, my nan just makes cakes.

Her nan was not shy about her conquests.

I've had a tube driver, I've had a taxi driver.

I've even had a tax inspector.

Bloody hell, a tube driver. Why would a tube driver shag a granny?

Surely you've had enough of large, scary tunnels?

Every time you go through one, you get a flashback. Imagine shagging a granny.

Are you going to take those wrinkly tights off?

"I already have!"

Eeeeewwww!

I'm gutted that Katie's been voted off.

She should use her nan for revenge.

Lock her in a room with One Direction.

They won't be so jolly by the time she's finished with them.

# Can't buy me love... #

"So cold. So cold!"

Poor Katie. Mind you, it's a good job it wasn't Wagner's nan!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, millions of vulnerable children throughout the world live on the streets.

Street Child World Cup aims to offer these kids a better life through their shared love of football.

There you go. Now, if you've got a good news story that you think

we should know about, log on to our blog and tell us all about it.

Hope you enjoyed the show. Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE