Episode 7 Russell Howard's Good News


Episode 7

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This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Thank you. Thank you very much. Very nice of you.

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Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!

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Hello and welcome to Good News.

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-MEMBER OF AUDIENCE WHISTLES

-Thanks, fella!

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What's been happening?

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Over in America, some ground-breaking advice for dieters.

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Never eat a cupcake as big as your head.

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Back in England, Kay Burley saw a penis for the first time.

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How does it work?

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-Can I have a play with it?

-Of course you can.

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Why have you got one and I haven't?

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Eamonn Holmes described the one luxury he'd take on a desert island.

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A Premiere League footballer who's got a massive erection.

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So how British is this? The big story of the week is the weather.

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-It's been another night of snow.

-Snow.

-Snow.

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-Snow.

-Snow.

-Snow. Snow.

-Snow.

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-Snow.

-The worst November snows seen in Britain for 17 years.

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I love it when it snows. The entire country becomes like a Carry On film.

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"I had eight inches in my driveway. Mm!"

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"My back passage was soaking.

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"Oh, matron!"

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Do you know who I feel sorry for?

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The reporters. They have left this woman in snow since last Friday.

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Then the snow was up to my knees.

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Today it's well above.

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"I can't feel my feet." It could be worse. Look what American reporters have to put up with.

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Another dangerous game kids play is to tunnel in snow banks

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near the road.

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A few years ago one boy...

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You're applauding! "Yeah!"

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I tell you what. If you think she chose a bad spot, check this guy out.

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I've got my trusty stopwatch and here they come down the hill.

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It looks like Ruben is in the lead, and here comes...

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Mind you, I have to say to you I had a terrible incident earlier this year. I went sledging...

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It's already fairly weird - I'm 30, most of them are eight.

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I crashed in front of a load of kids. Could it get worse? Yes.

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Some Haribo fell out of my pocket.

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The only way I could have looked more of a paedo is if I was next to an ice cream van dressed as a puppy.

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Do you know what else is great? How calm our weather men are.

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If you're out and about, it will certainly be the scarf and mittens

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and more than likely the old snow shovel into a few spots as well.

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In America, not so calm.

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That's only one problem.

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Problem number two - 14 to 22 inches of snow!

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Saturday afternoon. Tertiary problem...

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Yeah, I've been reading the dictionary.

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Blowing and drifting!

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Oh, three-, four-, five-feet drifts!

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So you shovel, drifts back over, shovel, drifts, shovel... Argh!

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Grr! Aside from the weather, the other big news is, of course, this.

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The publication of confidential US diplomatic cables

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by the website WikiLeaks has been criticised by

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several governments including Britain, America and Pakistan.

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Does anyone else think that WikiLeaks sounds like an STD you get from Hogwarts?

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"All right, Ron?" "No, I've got WikiLeaks."

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"Testicular reperitar!"

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Of all the WikiLeaks, this one really caught my eye.

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Some of the leaks are less serious, but still uncomfortable.

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There are suggestions of inappropriate behaviour by a member of Britain's royal family.

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"Philip, they're on to us!"

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"Get my stash. Big mama's going to blow the nest."

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So who was inappropriate? My money was on this guy.

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"Inappropriate behaviour's my middle name!

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"Leave me alone with a swan, I'll give him a Hitler moustache.

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"It's what I do!"

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Amazingly, it wasn't Philip.

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It was Prince Andrew and everyone around the country went, "I couldn't give a fuck.

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"It's snowing outside. I'm going to make a snowman with a big, icy wang."

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Next up, the student protests rumble on.

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Good evening. Thousands of students have taken to the streets once again

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to protest against the planned increase in university tuition fees.

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For me, the funniest part of the whole riot was this photo.

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Look at that.

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He's hardly a struggling student.

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He's wearing a wax jacket.

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He's on his way to a pheasant shoot.

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Look at this headline. He was meant to be at a job interview.

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"Job interview went quite well, Mum." "Did it really?

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"You're in The Sun flipping the bird!"

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Bizarrely, he wasn't the thickest person at the march.

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One student tried to write graffiti with a spoon.

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I'm guessing she doesn't go to Oxford.

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# White, suburban

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# Middle class

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# Never have to work again... #

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This priest stole from his church to fund his unusual habit.

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According to court documents, Father Keith LeBlanc was stealing money from

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the church to fund a very expensive pornography habit.

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Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase Palm Sunday.

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I bet he was praying like that.

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I'd love to have seen his sermons.

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Can you imagine? "Jesus was whipped, stripped and nailed to a cross.

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HE EXHALES

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"Back in a minute."

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BREATHING INTENSIFIES

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ARGHHH!

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HE SIGHS

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So how much did he spend on porn? A couple of hundred dollars?

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He racked up 25 grand on one credit card.

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25 grand?

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I bet his penis looked like this.

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"Please, Master, leave me alone!"

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So what's happening to him now?

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Right now Father LeBlanc is at a treatment centre under the care of the archdiocese.

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A treatment centre to stop you touching yourself?

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Do you reckon they just play this on repeat?

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AUDIENCE GROANS

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Did you hear that?

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FLESH THUDS

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Well, you've got to question how I found that.

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My Google was like, "Are you sure?"

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"Yes, Google, go on." "I don't want to."

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You know it's a bad sign when your laptop goes, "Yargh!"

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My final crime story is this belter from Michigan.

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New charges have been filed against a police officer who

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admits to confiscating marijuana from suspects, then baking it in brownies.

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Now if you think a rogue policeman making hash cakes is funny, you should listen to his 911 call.

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"Really slow."

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Mind you, there are worse occasions for time to be slow.

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AUDIENCE GROANS

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FLESH THUDS

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-HE SPEAKS SLOWLY:

-Really slow...

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Now, did you hear this fantastic story?

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Three teenage boys have returned home after

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being found alive after spending 50 days adrift in the South Pacific.

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They were away for 50 days.

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Poor sods. They missed most of my series.

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Did you see what they survived on?

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The boys, who were long-presumed dead, managed to stay alive on

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rainwater, a couple of coconuts and a single raw seagull.

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How handy's that? The exact ingredients that go into a Pot Noodle.

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They must have got pretty close on the boat.

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How awkward would it be if one of them went, "Listen, lads, we're not going to make it.

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"I don't want to die a virgin."

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"Come on. Who would know? It's not like a boat's going to turn up."

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SHIP HORN BLARES

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APPLAUSE

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"Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

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"Just one of my jokes.

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"I've never bloody...bloody...

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"Please don't tell anyone."

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Back in Blighty, check out this freaky story.

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What do they do for maths? Take them dogging?

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"Right, kids. Let's show you how two goes into one." "Argh!"

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Can you imagine the ceremony? "Does anyone know of any reason why these two should not be legally married?"

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"They're five."

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The best bit would be the moment they kissed.

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An entire church full of kids going, "Urgh!

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"You kissed a girl. What a gaylord."

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Was it just a wedding? Oh, no.

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They even had stag and hen parties.

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They had a stag do. "Did you go to Vegas?"

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"No, we built a den."

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A five-year-old stag do? I'd love to see that.

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I'm really not sure about this.

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This feels really wrong.

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Listen, love. We have the money.

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Now do the dance.

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# Who lives in a pineapple under the sea

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# SpongeBob SquarePants

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# SpongeBob SquarePants

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# SpongeBob SquarePants

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# SpongeBob SquarePants... #

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Mind you, if you think a toddler wedding is peculiar,

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have a look at the latest beauty pageant news from America.

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More and more boys are capturing the crowns at beauty pageants

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all across the country.

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In fact, the percentage of boys participating

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has doubled in just the last five years.

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They are pageant boys competing for crowns in a girl's world.

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Well, I'm going to be sick.

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I'm sorry, I just find this wrong.

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You get to win a bunch of trophies. And crowns.

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Mind you, good-looking kid, must get that from his mum.

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I honestly never thought we would be doing...

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Ahh!

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She looks like a scrotum with a scotch egg for a hat!

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Look what she's making her child do.

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Anything that pampers Zander, he likes.

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He showed off his beauty regimen, that includes manicures and make-up.

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Why don't you just gift wrap him for the bullies?

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At that age, you should be collecting football stickers, not getting a back, sack and crack.

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Look how terrifying this lady is.

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When I see little girls, I always think, "I could turn my little boys into girls."

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These are my girls that I never had.

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"These are my girls I never had."

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"These are my girls I..." Imagine if that was your mum.

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"Come on, Ross. Put on your dress. Tuck your willy between your legs for mummy.

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"What's your name?" "Russell." "What's your name?" Russell.

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"What's your name?!!" "Rebecca."

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"Leave me alone, Mum."

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It's a disgusting world. Look how young they start them.

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Some boys take the stage mere days after being born.

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I think Kevin did really well. He was awake and wasn't crying.

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He's a baby!

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A baby beauty pageant, Christ. Can you imagine what they make them do?

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MIDDLE EASTERN MUSIC PLAYS

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So did you see Cameron's latest big idea?

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The Prime Minister has launched a £2 million national consultation on

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how to measure the nation's happiness.

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The Government is going to see how happy we are.

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Classic Cameron - student riots, recession, it's freezing, and he's going...

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# If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands... # Come on, guys!

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I didn't think you'd actually do it.

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How lovely was that?

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"Does that mean? No, sorry."

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It's ridiculous. He's going to spend two million quid on a survey to see what makes us happy.

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Tell you what'll make us happy, give us the £2 million. Let's spend it on something we'd all watch.

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We can put a Lady Gaga meat dress on Jeremy Kyle and lock the prick in a zoo.

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When we fill in the questionnaire, I say we wind Cameron up.

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He'd go, "So, what would make them happy?"

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"It says here, Prime Minister, they want to replace you with this guy."

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Let's do it, man. You can't measure happiness, it's different for everyone.

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Sometimes it can be something as simple as the right bit of music.

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MUSIC: "Dog Days Are Over" by Florence And The Machine

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It's different for every person.

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For me, happiness is a cat, a tortoise and some Sellotape.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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If you want to be happy, here's a tip...

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Spend some time with my brother. He doesn't care.

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The other day, we were in Waterstone's, he picked up a copy of Twilight and in front of about

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six teenage girls he started reading out, "Edward Cullen had never been so hungry for blood.

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"Bella was on her period."

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From nowhere, that's happened.

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Suddenly, we're running away from a bookshop, giggling like monkeys.

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If you're upset with your local council, you've got nothing on this village.

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This is the sleepy village of Sarpourenx,

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near the Pyrenees mountain range.

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It's 300 residents have been getting on with life

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pretty much as usual, until lately.

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That was until their mayor took the rather radical step of banning any of his residents from dying.

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He banned them from dying.

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How mad is he? He's like Mayor West from Family Guy.

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Imagine him walking around the village, "I have banned death.

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"Hedgehogs must only wear bikinis and bread must now be called whitey slicey, put it in your mouthy."

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Look at him! Have you ever seen anyone this French?

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TRANSLATION: I've issued a decree in the village that you can't die here.

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If you do, you will be severely sanctioned.

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"Severely sanctioned."

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There must be people operating dead relatives like puppets, "He's coming!

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"Put your hand up your nan's arse."

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Hello!

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Nobody dead here.

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Would you like a cup of tea?

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Makes you think though. A village where you're not allowed to die.

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Do you reckon that's where the BBC keeps this guy between series?

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Staying in France, did you hear the fuss about the new Renault car?

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French auto maker Renault has decided to name its new electric car "Zoe",

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much to the chagrin

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of about 35,000 people in France who share that same name.

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Why are people upset about a car called Zoe?

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Cedric Renault worries his daughter Zoe will be mocked.

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-TRANSLATION:

-He said Zoe could hear comments like,

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"How are her airbags?"

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She will now,

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now you've gone on telly and given everyone the idea.

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Why the fuss? It's just a name.

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Nobody accuses David Dick-in-son of having an affair with his child.

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I liked it. Taking of weird stories, look at this.

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A central Florida car seller is causing quite a stir with his latest

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sales pitch - buy a truck, get a free AK47.

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A truck and a free gun. It's like a sex offender starter kit.

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What next? Free gaffer tape and bin bags? It's ridiculous.

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Has anyone else noticed the fatal flaw in this promotion?

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"Here's your truck, here's your gun.

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"That will be 10,000."

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"Guess again, dickhead."

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Have you heard the latest scientific breakthrough?

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A very well-respected university says psychic abilities

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are no laughing matter.

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New research from Cornell University has some serious findings

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that suggest humans may have the ability to predict events before they happen.

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Humans have psychic powers. Mind you, not everyone has mastered it.

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A psychic drawing, a psychic drawing of Brian.

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I don't even know what's going

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to come out of this pen.

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This is how psychic

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it is.

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I don't even know what the pen's doing.

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I've got to take a peek.

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Oh, God!

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To be honest, she was thinking of Justin Bieber.

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This study reckons if you concentrate hard enough, you can read someone's mind.

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Let's give it a try. Let's see if we can do this.

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How about you, sir, there with the jacket?

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Let's see if I can read your mind.

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"I'm having a lovely evening."

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Pretty good. How about the bloke next to you with the rainbow top?

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Here we go. Let's see if I can read your mind.

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"It's so cold outside."

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It is. That's a fair point. Madam on the end, let's do you.

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Here we are. Let's see what's in your head.

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"I eat babies. Yum, yum, yum, yum."

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Let's give you another go, here we go. I'm wiping my hand.

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"If I had a penis, I'd call it Derek."

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S-s-sick bitch!

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This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.

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There's going to be a mystery guest who's been in the news and I have to figure out who that person is.

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Please welcome my mystery guest.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-Hello.

-Hello.

-I'm Russell, nice to meet you.

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-I'm Tanys.

-Tanys, that's a great name. I've never heard that before.

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So, I've got to guess what you do.

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-Is it something to do with cheese?

-It might be.

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OK. Do you make cheese?

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You're going to have to try a bit harder.

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Think of something really big.

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It's something to do with cheese, it's big. Have you made the biggest block of cheese in England?

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-You have nearly got it.

-Was it in a different country?

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No, it was in this country, but, can I tell you what it is?

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"No! We like to see him suffer!"

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-You were nearly there before.

-So, it's the biggest cheese.

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It's the... What are you doing?

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It's cheese you can turn into a motorbike?

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-It's... You made the biggest cheese sandwich?

-Cracker.

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Hang on, don't help me.

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-Pizza?

-No.

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Stop it!

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It's...

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I know it gives you nightmares, but this is ridiculous.

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-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Cheese sculpture.

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Wait, hang on!

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Have you made a cheese sculpture?

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I have.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Wow!

0:19:550:19:57

Basically, I made the largest

0:19:570:19:59

cheese sculpture that's ever been made out of Cheddar.

0:19:590:20:02

What did you make?

0:20:020:20:03

The Guinness Book Of Records largest cheese for the Bath And West Show.

0:20:030:20:09

-There it is.

-There it is, me and my big cheese!

0:20:090:20:12

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:20:120:20:15

It was 600 kilos, arrived at my house, agh!

0:20:180:20:22

I was told, you've got to carve a crown made out of cheese.

0:20:230:20:27

That's what I did.

0:20:270:20:29

You make it sound like you didn't plan it. Somebody rocked up,

0:20:290:20:32

"Here's the cheese, make me a crown."

0:20:320:20:34

Not being funny, it was kind of like that.

0:20:340:20:37

My husband is basically the cheese man of Wookey Hole.

0:20:370:20:43

Have you done anything like this before?

0:20:470:20:49

The main thing that I actually do is I make cheese wedding cakes.

0:20:490:20:53

-So people come to me...

-Still amazing.

0:20:530:20:55

They want me to make cheese wedding cakes.

0:20:550:20:58

I also make cheese wedding cakes, which are covered in chocolate.

0:20:580:21:01

Don't worry, you would love it.

0:21:010:21:03

It looks fab, it looks like a big chocolate cake.

0:21:030:21:07

Then I put cheese chocolates all round it and the cheese chocolates,

0:21:070:21:11

I think you might have a chance to try some in a minute.

0:21:110:21:14

Here she comes.

0:21:140:21:16

My personal assistant.

0:21:160:21:17

-Now, now, now...

-Hello.

0:21:170:21:22

Hang on a minute! Am I on drugs? What is happening?

0:21:230:21:28

-No, you're not.

-We all saw a mouse, quite a sexy mouse.

0:21:280:21:32

It was a sexy mouse.

0:21:320:21:34

Have a taste of the chocolate. There's a white one.

0:21:340:21:37

How these cheese chocolates arose was...

0:21:370:21:40

Taste good?

0:21:420:21:44

APPLAUSE

0:21:450:21:47

Really?

0:21:470:21:48

He's eating it all, mind. He's doing really well.

0:21:480:21:51

Wouldn't it be terrible if it was riddled with Rohypnol and I went like that...

0:21:510:21:55

And you just dragged me off

0:21:570:21:59

and the rabbit just comes out.

0:21:590:22:02

-Have you tried this?

-I don't like the look of that.

0:22:020:22:05

That looks like something that Blobby,

0:22:050:22:08

that's what Noel Edmonds did to Blobby!

0:22:080:22:12

I'm doing Deal or No Deal! Die! Die!

0:22:120:22:14

-Maybe that's a next one, we've got to make a Blobby out of cheese.

-Make a Blobby?

0:22:140:22:19

Where do you reckon Blobby is now?

0:22:190:22:22

He's probably frozen somewhere.

0:22:220:22:24

He's on crack in Morecambe.

0:22:240:22:27

Getting back to Wookey Hole Caves, can you imagine, I'm there,

0:22:270:22:32

one reason I started doing this was because I was having to

0:22:320:22:34

clean the caves, rather than and I wanted to do something different.

0:22:340:22:39

This is so wonderful.

0:22:390:22:40

Everything starts with something mad at the beginning.

0:22:400:22:43

I had to do that because I was cleaning caves.

0:22:430:22:45

That's a tricky job in that they're caves.

0:22:450:22:47

I've never been around a cave and said, "This place is a shithole."

0:22:470:22:50

Cleaning stalactites. How weird is that?

0:22:510:22:53

-And all the cheese has to be turned.

-From where? Where's the cheese?

0:22:530:22:58

In Wookey Hole Caves. That's stored in the caves.

0:22:580:23:01

Who stores it there?

0:23:010:23:03

-My husband.

-Put it in the fridge!

0:23:030:23:05

You don't need to because it's nice and cold.

0:23:050:23:10

Wookey Hole Cheddar picks up the flavours of the cheese in the cave.

0:23:100:23:13

My girlfriend would never believe me if I went, I'm just off to put the...

0:23:130:23:17

In fact, saying that I'm off to put the cheese in a cave sounds...

0:23:170:23:20

..like a tremendous euphemism.

0:23:220:23:24

APPLAUSE

0:23:240:23:26

But I like you, I love people like you. That is wonderful. Please give it up for my mystery guest!

0:23:260:23:32

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:23:320:23:34

Now, sometimes the world can get you down and a story comes along that cheers you up.

0:23:380:23:42

Heathrow Airport officials have apologised to X Factor stars Jedward

0:23:420:23:46

after complaints about members of

0:23:460:23:48

security staff allegedly mocking and victimising the pair at Heathrow Airport.

0:23:480:23:53

John and Edward claim staff carried out extra security screenings for their own amusement.

0:23:530:23:59

I love that. "For their own amusement."

0:23:590:24:01

"Can you say rubber glove?"

0:24:010:24:04

Imagine the joy the security guards felt when they saw Jedward.

0:24:040:24:08

You do a job where you're allowed to put your finger up someone's arse

0:24:080:24:11

and two of the most annoying people ever turn up like that. "Aaaah!"

0:24:110:24:17

"Right, lads, let's see if twins really do feel each other's pain!"

0:24:170:24:22

Apparently while up there, they found this guy's wristwatch!

0:24:250:24:28

Now, talking of the X Factor... Thanks very much.

0:24:290:24:33

Talking of the X Factor, what about this for a story?

0:24:330:24:37

X Factor star Katie Waissel's grandmother has been exposed as an escort who sells sex to her clients.

0:24:380:24:46

Bloody hell, my nan just makes cakes.

0:24:460:24:51

Her nan was not shy about her conquests.

0:24:510:24:54

I've had a tube driver, I've had a taxi driver.

0:24:540:24:57

I've even had a tax inspector.

0:24:570:25:00

Bloody hell, a tube driver. Why would a tube driver shag a granny?

0:25:000:25:04

Surely you've had enough of large, scary tunnels?

0:25:040:25:08

Every time you go through one, you get a flashback. Imagine shagging a granny.

0:25:110:25:16

Are you going to take those wrinkly tights off?

0:25:160:25:18

"I already have!"

0:25:180:25:20

Eeeeewwww!

0:25:200:25:23

I'm gutted that Katie's been voted off.

0:25:250:25:27

She should use her nan for revenge.

0:25:270:25:29

Lock her in a room with One Direction.

0:25:290:25:31

They won't be so jolly by the time she's finished with them.

0:25:310:25:34

# Can't buy me love... #

0:25:340:25:36

"So cold. So cold!"

0:25:380:25:42

Poor Katie. Mind you, it's a good job it wasn't Wagner's nan!

0:25:420:25:45

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:25:480:25:50

Now, millions of vulnerable children throughout the world live on the streets.

0:25:560:25:59

Street Child World Cup aims to offer these kids a better life through their shared love of football.

0:25:590:26:04

There you go. Now, if you've got a good news story that you think

0:27:310:27:33

we should know about, log on to our blog and tell us all about it.

0:27:330:27:36

Hope you enjoyed the show. Good night.

0:27:360:27:38

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:380:27:39

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