Episode 8 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language.

CHEERING

Thank you. Stop. Stop! Steady on.

Welcome to Good News. So what's been happening?

Peter Crouch has got a new nickname.

Bollocks on stilts.

Here's a bit of advice. If you're gonna give your cameraman a blow job, don't get caught on air.

Ask the question of David Craig.

And over in Norway a guy ignored his mum's advice to wrap up warm.

It doesn't end there. He's the most desperate flasher in the world.

So the big news of the week continues to be the weather.

If the snow hasn't affected you, then the freezing temperatures surely have.

Nowhere has escaped the Arctic conditions and in some places records continue to be broken.

There's been so much snow. Luckily, ITV had a really technical way of showing you just how deep it is.

I just want to show you how deep the snow is.

As you can see, they're totally snowed in!

Thanks, ITV!

Until you put a milk carton in the ground I just had no concept.

Mind you, madness is spreading.

This bloke was so cold he repeated whatever was said to him.

It's too cold here for the woodcock.

Too cold here for the woodcock.

-Is it too cold for you?

-Too cold for me.

If only we had a milk bottle. "If only we had a milk bottle."

Millions of kids had the day off school and didn't the reporters know about it!

They should be at home doing their homework.

Anyone would think this was Christmas!

That went on for ten minutes!

What I love about the snow, we all go a bit mad.

For some reason, you have to announce how cold it is when you enter a room.

"It's freezing out there." "Cheers, Sherlock!"

Either that or you do a noise to show everyone how cold you are.

"Brrrr!" No other weather makes you do that.

When it's sunny you don't go into a shop and go, "Mmm!"

It's windy.

"Wooo!" "It's pissing down out there."

"Don't!"

Do you know what else I love? Whenever it snows, we always see this headline.

We become obsessed with the lack of food.

This bloke was sent shopping by his wife.

Have a look at how many times he says the word "bread".

We have no bread in the house. There's no bread anywhere.

But we got told there was bread here today. So I've came up to get bread for her.

Is he married to a duck?

It wasn't just food.

Millions face a bitter, freezing night after another day of travel delays and disruption.

Transport ground to a halt. And didn't people overreact.

This bloke was stuck on a train from London to Brighton.

Look what he compared the journey to.

If Southern treated war criminals the way they've treated us tonight,

they would have broken the Geneva Convention.

Imagine him with actual prisoners of war.

"It was terrible. They kept me in a cage and beat me with an iron bar."

"I know exactly how you feel.

I was on a train and we ran out of Kit-Kats! The horror!"

Stop whinging about the weather.

It's only gonna snow for a bit, so just enjoy it.

This guy's got the right idea. Why not build a lovely ice sculpture in your mum's garden?

Come and look at it at the front.

Come and look at the front of it.

Does it look really good?

I tell you what, if she's angry now, wait till she sees her car.

So what's the latest health fad to hit the news?

Let me ask you something. How far would you go to lose weight?

Pretty far. I'll do most things.

Believe it or not, some dieters are injecting urine into their bodies in an attempt to shed some pounds.

How much of a conversation stopper would that be? "You've lost weight.

What's your secret?" "Wee."

"The Nintendo?" "No, I inject myself with piss." "OK!"

Do you know the strangest thing? You can only lose weight if you inject this kind of urine.

This is the urine of pregnant women.

Pregnant women!

As if they haven't got enough on their plate.

Imagine that, she's on the bus. "Can I have that seat?" "Yeah.

"If you give me your piss!"

If people are injecting wee, how long before someone takes it a stage further? Hi, fat people.

I'm Chad Chadson.

I used to be like you, and then I started drinking urine.

Don't just take my word for it.

I lost five pounds in a week. Thanks, Chad.

That's the power of the golden shower.

It's great for all the family.

Oh, I don't even want to lose weight!

I'm Chad Chadson.

I'm in shape, urine shape.

The P-Plan.

We're taking the piss!

What I want to know is what kind of creepy weirdo would drink his own urine?

Have you seen the latest drug craze sweeping the globe?

This 15-year-old teen didn't want to share her identity

but she revealed to KTLA how teenagers are now turning to nutmeg to get high.

Getting high on nutmeg? Who's their dealer, Mr Kipling?

"How was your trip?" "Exceedingly good!"

-"Who gave it to you?" "Some drug

-Delia!"

It's so middle-class, isn't it? "I was off my box last night on nutmeg.

"Come round, we're gonna do some basil!"

Have you seen how they take the nutmeg?

We found teens on YouTube experimenting and discussing the buzz.

Imagine them after a line.

"I want to bake a cake!"

I once snorted stuff off a spice rack. Mel B was livid!

APPLAUSE

Look how seriously they are taking this story.

So far, there are no reports of deaths from nutmeg overdose.

Because it's nutmeg!

You can't die from snorting nutmeg, in the same way you can't die from putting chips in your ear!

I bet there's a suicidal bloke at home going...

The big sports story was the battle to host the 2018 World Cup.

The media really made it look like we'd get it.

Our top story, is football coming home?

England have gone to 2-1 on to nail it.

They say the bookies don't often get it wrong. Let's hope that is the case.

FIFA World Cup, ladies and gentlemen, will be organised in Russia.

I can't believe they went for Russia!

What's their slogan gonna be? "Let's kick racism back into football!"

I still can't believe we lost the bid. We took all the heavyweights.

Beckham, Cameron, Prince William.

Mind you, Wills really let us down in the "I love football" contest.

I love football.

That's not how you do it.

Right, crazy Russian lady!

I love football!

Not as much as you love Red Bull!

In fairness, Wills never recovered after his wedding joke died.

I know that we can deliver extraordinary public occasions and celebrations.

I certainly hope so, as I'm planning quite a big one myself next year.

That is cold, isn't it?

"Er...No."

Russia wasn't the only surprise.

FIFA also announced who won the 2022 bid and nobody saw this coming.

It is quite simply the biggest shock in the history of World Cup voting.

..is Qatar!

If only ITV could tell me about Qatar like I've got shit for brains!

What or where is it?

Remember, not guitar,

certainly not gutter any more, it's Qatar and it's here, next to Saudi Arabia.

Thanks, ITV.

They actually showed a guitar.

Imagine the graphics they would have shown if the World Cup was held here.

It's football, it's coming home!

Did you see how hot it gets in Qatar?

In July, the temperature is 46 degrees Centigrade.

46 degrees.

It's a good job Rooney will have retired, or he'd look like this.

I'll tell you what, it's also bad news for boozers.

Fans will be instructed not to drink alcohol or be drunk in public.

-It's illegal.

-You can't stop people drinking.

If footy fans are sober, they'll never do wonderful things like this.

Again, that goes on for ten minutes.

Not only is booze not allowed, it's also illegal to be gay.

I tell you what, let's hope FIFA don't send this referee.

First up, a quick headline.

You're probably thinking, "Hey, Russ, that's just not funny." Oh, really?

Check out his mugshot.

He is higher than a giraffe on a trampoline!

Over in America, some belting stories.

You'll never believe the latest way for women to protect themselves.

Today, self-defence devices for women have become a lot more effective and way more feminine.

Welcome the tampon Taser!

The tampon Taser! Genius. You can buy a Taser that's disguised as a tampon.

Let's hope you don't mix it up with your normal ones.

Argh!

Look at the name they gave it.

It's called the Pink Stinger.

The Pink Stinger! Sounds like a gay wasp.

In case any ladies fancy it, have a look at how it works when you're under attack.

She grabs the Pink Stinger, she hits a button

and two cotton tampons with both probes that come shooting out,

extending 14 feet with a wire, hopefully hits the assailant.

And then deploys a shock that renders him incapacitated,

definitely demoralised and probably standing in a puddle of his own pee.

Standing in your own piss.

It would be quite funny though if some dickhead tries to mug you,

you pull out a tampon and he's like, "Oh, poor little girl.

"She's so scared she's gonna have her period."

Next minute, he's on the floor, smelling like a pensioner's sofa.

"What's my name?"

I really hope tampon Tasers take off.

Can you imagine the adverts?

# Oh, Bodyform...

Also, did anyone hear about this bizarre 999 call from Kent?

As the cold weather puts extra pressure on emergency services,

Kent Police had an extraordinary call from a woman in Chatham.

-Damn right it was extraordinary.

-Woo!

A few fans of Chatham or a few fans of the phone.

"Yeah, I love him.

"I call it the ringy-ringy, talkie-talkie."

This is the exact conversation that took place.

How....

how can you be that thick?

Not only did he nick my snowman, yeah?

I left some ice cubes in my drink.

I came back...stolen!

Gone!

It was taken by the Coke, was it?

I don't think so!

Why would Fizzy steal? Fizzy don't steal.

I'm not an idiot, mate.

Apparently, police already have a suspect.

To be honest, the snowman wasn't nicked. He was busy in the car park.

Over in New York, have a look at this story about a battle between

atheists and the Catholic Church over the true meaning of Christmas.

There's not just light at the end of this tunnel.

There's a battle of the billboards on the Jersey side.

The atheist holiday billboard.

"You know it's a myth.

"This season, celebrate reason."

And the Catholics hit back with...

"You know it's real. This season, celebrate Jesus."

So why did the atheists start this fight?

We do know it's a myth.

We know the invisible magic man in the sky is a myth.

If God is the Invisible Magic Man, what does he call Jesus?

Mr Fishy Beardy Man?

"Hey, look, it's Mr Fatty in a Nappy Man." "My name is Buddha!"

Either way, the Catholics were furious.

They believe we came from the Big Bang theory, or is it the King Kong theory?

I'm pretty sure it's the Big Bang theory!

I'd have remembered Stephen Hawking going, "The universe began when a gorilla climbed a building!"

Listen to his description of the Big Bang.

We're a bunch of apes and we fell down Kerplunk one day.

If he wants to believe in that fairytale he has every right to do so.

Monkeys playing Kerplunk?

What kind of fucked up fairytale is that?

It sounds like a Boris Johnson dream.

"I was on a bouncy castle and then suddenly I was playing Kerplunk with a gibbon!"

Or maybe he's got board game Tourette's.

"Buckaroo, I love Jesus."

It'd be a nightmare, wouldn't it? "In the name of the Father, the Son and the Hungry Hippos."

Curse my illness... Waddington's.

My favourite part of the report was this claim.

God and Santa Claus are the same. He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake.

I hope they're not the same thing!

Nobody wants to be shagging a girl and hear her go, "Oh, my Father Christmas!

"Santa, Santa, Santa!"

It's going to be a white Christmas!

God and Santa are not the same thing.

I've never seen people kneeling before Santa.

Except for that time I really wanted that bike.

Aw!

I didn't get it. Well, I did, but I didn't get that bike.

HE SOBS

AUDIENCE: Awww!

There's been an imaginary case of child abuse.

Mind you, the strangest religious story of the week has to be this.

We all know Simon Cowell likes to play God on The X Factor

and a group of Christians are supportive

of the Cowell power.

The religious magazine believes his straight talking is similar to the Messiah's.

Simon Cowell is like Jesus?

I tell you what, it's really going to change the song. # Simon Cowell, superstar

# Moobs so big, he needs a Wonderbra! #

It makes you think - did Jesus go about his business like Cowell does?

Maybe Biblical times would have been like this.

What's your name?

Pustulus.

OK, Pustulus. In your own time.

You didn't see that coming, did you?

Amazing!

This is the part I genuinely don't know about.

There's going to be a mystery guest who's been in the news and I have to figure out who that person is.

So, please welcome my mystery guest.

-Hello, nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you.

-What's your name?

-Natalie.

-Andy.

And Andy. It might have something to do with Kate Middleton and Prince William?

You look like them except you've got brown hair.

-A bit thicker.

-Are you lookalikes for Kate Middleton and Prince William?

-Yes.

-Is that why you are in the news?

-That's it.

-Get in there!

Nice work, Wills!

-How long have you been doing this?

-I've only been doing it two weeks.

-It is new for me.

-How long have you been doing the Wills thing?

-Six months in total.

-What is the weirdest thing you've had to do?

-Take down my trousers for a photo-shoot.

-I was really nervous.

-What was that for?

-We were doing a shoot for Allison Jackson.

She does stuff with lookalikes

-in awkward situations.

-It was you and your pants down, the future King of England!

If you had done that 200 years ago, you'd be dead now.

Were your nuts out? Or just s little bit of...?

A bit of skin. We'll see.

Look forward to that.

What photo did you have to do?

Bridal. I got to wear wedding dresses.

You get to wear a wedding dress and he has his nuts swinging in the breeze!

When did you realise you looked like them? Was it people in the street...?

A lot of people I knew started telling me I looked like her and people would say,

"You really look like Kate Middleton."

What's lovely about it, you look like good-looking people that people would like.

If you looked like Gary Glitter, what a nightmare!

Or Pol Pot. If you looked like a dead ringer for Hitler, there isn't a lot of work.

"Adolf, can I have photo of you in your pants?" It's not working.

You look great together.

You look genuinely, genetically wonderful.

I feel like I'm a director for a royal porn film! Let's do it!

-Crown Jewels Two! Electric Boogaloo!

-King Willy.

-King Willy works, yes. Yeah, I like that.

That's nice.

Sorry.

Here's a question. Mainly to you - have you ever used the fact that you look a bit like Prince William

to gain the affection of ladies?

I haven't abused it as much as I probably should have but...

Never has the word "abused" sounded as creepy.

-How about you?

-No, I'm in a relationship, so I'm not looking for...

You could do it like you wouldn't have to pay for a parking meter.

In a few years' - "I can't pay for that, I'm the Queen."

I might do! I might do that.

What are you going to do on the big day, the marriage?

I don't have plans yet.

-But...

-There's a few bookings coming in.

-It will be so cool.

-Should be good.

-I look forward to that. Ladies and gentlemen, you have been a pleasure.

Nice to meet you both. Thanks for coming on my show.

My mystery guests! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

This week, Leona Lewis visited a bear sanctuary. Here's the photo.

Isn't that lovely?

Leona, a bear, have a look at the headline The Sun put with that photo.

Leona's growler!

Talking of furry beasts, check this out.

Time to enjoy a cold one, not you, your dog!

This all-natural beer foams up like the real thing

but it's designed for your four-legged friends.

They've invented beer for dogs.

Let's hope it is not like tequila, that can really turn a hound!

It's madness. There will be high streets full of drunken, horny dogs.

Oi, love! Fancy a shag?

We can do it people-style!

Awkwardly!

I don't know why I'm dancing! I would hate to see my dog with a hangover.

"Archie, fetch the ball." "You fetch it, dickhead.

"And get me some Berocca

"and one of her shoes!"

Mind you, if dog beer does take off, I've made them an advert.

Hello?

What's u-u-u-u-u-up?!

What's u-u-u-u-up?!

-U-u-u-u-u-p?

-U-u-u-u-u-p?

-U-u-u-u-u-p?

-U-u-u-u-u-p?

Pugweiser, it's the mutt's nuts!

INDISTINCT

Now, believe it or not, dog beer isn't the weirdest canine story of the week.

We all know the phrase "a dog is a man's best friend"

but in India one bloke has taken it too far.

This 33-year-old man has married a female dog.

A bloke's married a female dog?

I love the fact that it's a female.

"You've married a dog." "Yeah, she's a girl, I'm not a pervert."

Can you imagine the wedding? Half the church would be dogs. "What a lovely service.

"That wedding was my bollocks!"

"What, in a jar at the vet's?"

"Not now, Sandra."

"You always do this, don't you? We are having a nice..."

"I hate you!"

"My mum said you were a bitch and she was right."

Do you know the weirdest thing? The guy married a dog because he thought it would cure his bad leg.

Look who told him to do it.

On the advice of an astrologer,

he decided to marry a bitch to get cured.

What kind of a fucked up astrologer is that?

"What do you see in your crystal ball?" "You on honeymoon with a labrador."

Do you reckon he does this all the time? "I think I'm going blind!" "You need to cuddle a pig!"

"I've got asthma." "Tea-bag a giraffe."

"I've got a headache." "Try Nurofen."

"Then rim a pigeon."

"I love my job." The most disturbing part is we've got a photo of the wedding night.

That was weirdly sexy.

A little bit? No? Ha-ha!

I started tonight by showing the worst of the weather.

Sometimes it can bring out the best in people.

Placid and peaceful,

this baby has no idea the fuss his arrival caused yesterday.

When his mum Donna went into labour

at her home in a snow-bound North Coates,

she knew there was no way she could make it to hospital

and she feared medical help would never get through.

There was no way of getting anybody here

or us getting out and the roads were so bad

I didn't want anybody to get hurt through what we were going through.

She and her partner had not counted on the local community spirit.

Neighbours helped clear their close

and farmers ferried medical staff on their tractors.

But the drama wasn't over yet.

The baby had got stuck and it took the skill of a local GP

who'd stocked out one of the paramedics to rescue the situation.

It's just as well we made it through to get these pictures,

because so far, none of his relatives have been able to visit the little snow baby.

AUDIENCE: Awww.

The kid goes, "Thanks, everyone!"

Now, if you've got a good news story that you think we should know about,

log on to our blog and tell us.

I hope you enjoyed the show. Good night.

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