Episode 9 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Welcome to Good News!

Now, this show is a chance for me to share some of my best bits with you,

as well as some bits that have yet to see the light of day.

I've got to burp, hang on.

See? That's new. Also, watch out for our mystery guest.

I'll tell you what, this show is really popular in the Philippines.

'Next, Russell Howard's Good News.'

Whoa, whoa, steady on, guys.

I'm just a man. So what's been going on whilst we've been away?

I think Jeremy Thompson's been putting it about.

It's sore but I should survive.

Kay Burley has been scaring old ladies.

It is in fact still locked and that's why all of the...

Let's have a look at that again.

Not everyone's scared of Burley.

This old guy really put her in her place.

We're almost out of time, Harry,

but I wonder what it's like being interviewed on live telly.

-Have you ever had that happen to you before?

-Yes.

"Yes, I have."

The Chilean miners are free.

MUSIC: "The Boys Are Back In Town" by Thin Lizzy

It's so lovely, isn't it? It's a genuinely wonderful story.

My favourite miner without doubt was Super Mario.

THEY CHANT

He's incredible. Did you see what he said at the press conference?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Isn't that amazing?

"Hey, Mario. Do you want to talk about your ordeal?"

"No. I want to bang my wife until she cannot walk.

"This is one Mario who doesn't need mushrooms to get big.

"Hey, hey!"

Now they're free, their lives have changed forever.

But with such extraordinary drama,

it is little wonder that Hollywood can see the potential.

Already a film has been talked about as a certainty.

I've actually seen a sneak preview.

# And if one green bottle should accidentally fall... #

MINERS JOIN IN: # There'll be 999,999,999... #

Maybe it isn't an action film. Maybe it's a modern-day bromance.

-Hey, Miguel?

-Si?

I wish I knew how to quit you.

Congratulations are in order to Prince William and Kate Middleton.

A Royal wedding next year -

Prince William and Kate Middleton are to marry.

I think it's brilliant, because Kate Middleton is fit.

Finally, a QILF will be on the throne.

LAUGHTER

People in their home town are royally pleased.

-I think it's fantastic.

-It's really lovely.

It's the bit of good news we need at the moment to cheer us up.

-Are you excited about the royal wedding?

-Absolutely not.

Tell you what, you've got to love the Queen's reaction.

The Queen said she's absolutely delighted.

She ordered 300 bottles of vintage champagne.

"Let's get wankered!"

How much would you love to see the Queen pissed?

"Hello!

"I own all the swans in England.

"Let's have a sing song.

-RAPS:

-"I wanna stop, collaborate and listen

"Ice is back with my brand-new invention

"Something grabs a hold of me tightly

"Pull like a hawk come daily and nightly

"Will it ever stop? Yo, I don't know

"Turn on the flow, and I'll go to the extreme

"I wanna rap like a vandal

"Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle

"Dance, when you're feeling dope melody

"Anything less than the best is a felony

"If you got a problem, yo, I'll solve it

"Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it

"Ice!

"Philip, I think I'm ready for bed!

"Take me to bed, Philip!"

I really got carried away there.

We all know the Irish economy is struggling.

Ireland is repaying record Government debts as it struggles

with high unemployment, a housing market that has crashed

and the costs of supporting its banking system.

But never fear, Ireland - look what your government has come up with...

Preparations are under way for the distribution of free cheese

to needy people, starting on Monday.

53 tons of cheese will be given to charitable organisations

to distribute.

Ireland announced cuts of six billion

and the Government are giving poor people free cheese!

What a piss take. "Got no money?

"Have a Dairylea dunker."

Poor people love cheese.

I have lost count of the amount of times I have seen a homeless guy go,

"Got any Cheddar?"

Also, with the Irish accent, imagine the confusion.

Some God-botherer knocks on your door.

"Have you thought about letting cheeses into your life?"

"I don't like cheeses."

"You don't like the baby cheeses?"

"No, I hate Mini Babybels."

LAUGHTER

"What about the Holy cheeses?"

"Swiss cheeses?"

"I didn't mean that one. You know, cheeses can bring you peace."

"Really? I heard it gave you nightmares."

LAUGHTER

"Moving on to the next story."

Maybe free cheese is a good idea.

Sometimes it can give you superhuman powers.

# I'm on the top of the world looking down on creation... #

SNAP!

MUSIC: "Eye Of The Tiger" by Survivor

Say again, love?

-MAN: Are you doing autographs after the show?

-Am I?

I'll give you a kiss. How about that?

AUDIENCE WHOOPS

Say again?

-MAN: How about now?

-How about now?

You come here and I'll kiss you.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Tongues!

CHEERING

Do you want to know why that's doubly weird?

Cos just before he kissed me, he went, "I'm 16."

LAUGHTER

-WOMAN:

-Paedophile!

That means he's legal!

LAUGHTER

Press the red button now to see what I do to that young man

after the show.

So, what's the latest health fad to hit the news?

Let me ask you something. How far would you go to lose weight?

Pretty far. I'll do most things.

Believe it or not, some dieters are injecting urine

into their bodies in an attempt to shed some pounds.

How much of a conversation stopper would that be?

"You've lost weight, what's your secret?"

"Wee." "The Nintendo?"

"No, I inject myself with piss."

"OK!"

If people are injecting wee,

how long before someone takes it a step further?

Hi, fat people. I'm Chad Chadson.

I used to be like you! And then, I started drinking urine.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Don't just take my word for it.

I lost five pounds in a week! Thanks, Chad.

That's the power of the golden shower.

It's great for all the family!

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

Oh, I don't even want to lose weight!

I'm Chad Chadson. I'm in shape. You're in shape.

Now, if you think you're a fussy eater,

you've got nothing on Nicolas Cage.

So how does Nic Cage's dinner make him such a winner?

When it comes to his diet,

it seems actor Nicolas Cage has an interesting way of deciding

what's OK and what's not.

That's right! Cage will only eat animals

who have sex with dignity.

What?!

He'll only eat animals who have sex with dignity?

How does an animal have sex with dignity?

I can't imagine a badger lighting a scented candle.

"Darling, you will tell me if I'm going too rough."

# Sail away, sail away sail away... #

If I was an animal,

I'd be outside Cage's house deliberately having freaky sex

so he doesn't eat me. Wouldn't you?

A rabbit - "Here he comes, Brian, put your finger up my arse!"

"Call me a bitch, Brian, look in his eyes!"

Imagine a cow in a field wearing nipple clamps -

"Moooo-ah!

"Cage! Cage! We're into all sorts, Mr Cage!

"You should see our sex tape! Two cows, one trough!"

LAUGHTER

"Don't eat me, Mr Cage!"

It's ridiculous!

How could you even check?

People would think you were a bloody weirdo.

Imagine at a restaurant - "Any questions about the menu, sir?"

"Yeah, the chicken - has it ever been teabagged?"

"I'll go have a look, Nicholas. Hello, Mr Chicken,

"have you ever had balls hit your face?" "No, I don't think so."

Is it me, or is this detective suspicious about his colleague?

We'll send out a strong message to any paedophile

who's out there and has not been outed yet.

LAUGHTER

Tell you what, the award for slowest chair theft ever

goes to...

Well, let's see if that's the end of the story.

What I know is I don't think this creates the secure base

that universities need. I also don't think these proposals are fair.

When you look at the detail...

What do you want to know?

-What would your face look like...

-What does my face look like?

What would your face look like if you were a dog humping a guy's leg?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Wait, let me answer that one question.

What I love about that, is I'm in the middle of doing my telly show

and a man has interrupted to ask,

"Russell, what would your face look like

"if you were a dog shagging a man's leg?"

I imagine it'd be something like this.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

He took a photo! That was a trap, that was a trap.

Now, take a look at this incredible story from Iraq.

A man stopped at a checkpoint,

an Iraqi Army officer looks under his car and shouts "There's a bomb.

"Get away." Soldiers immediately accuse the car's terrified

occupants of being terrorists and threaten dire retribution.

You're probably thinking, why are you showing me this? Take a look.

This man's fear is all too real,

but the bomb's a fake, and the soldiers are actors.

This is reality TV, Baghdad-style.

It's a prank show!

They put bombs in a car for a prank!

Who thought of this? They're like, "What do we do next?

"How about we accuse a wife of adultery,

"threaten to stone her, then at the last minute custard pie!"

Mind you if you think their reality shows are insane,

you should see their version of Countdown.

Now, talking of shocking TV.

Channel 4 has defended a programme

which depicts Prince Harry being kidnapped by the Taliban.

In the show an actor playing the prince is taken hostage

when his military helicopter crashes in Afghanistan.

It's staggering, isn't it?

Do you reckon they'll do it in a Big Brother style?

"Day 34 and Harry's getting tortured"

Have you seen what it's called?

This is an image from The Taking Of Prince Harry.

Surely they should have called it "When Harry Met Talli". Come on!

If that opportunity presents itself...

Did you see that reporter getting a blowjob off a pensioner?

Officers are being briefed as to the situation.

There is a 300 metre exclusion zone from Notte Street

right up here up to Royal Parade at the moment.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

WOMAN: Are you single?

Am I single? No, madam,

but you sounded like the randiest dinner lady ever.

"He's single!

"I've got a fucking ladle and a net!"

Some incredible tales from the world of retail this week.

Did you hear about this special promotion?

An Israeli electronic store has been bleating

about a novel and pretty unusual way of drawing spenders in.

Coupons? A loyalty card?

Buy a TV or another device here,

and you'll get a brand-new sheep thrown in with it.

I bet there's a load of perverts in Wales going, "Oh!

"Excited!"

Free sheep?! I bet the customers were furious.

TRANSLATION: I got a sheep.

I bought a fridge for a very good price, and got a sheep.

I won't miss such an opportunity.

How excited is he?! I bet he gets home,

"Yasmeena! We have a fridge for cold food!

"And lady sheep for free milk!

"Mmm! Glorious milk, Yasmeena!

"Farouk,

"that is no lady."

So, could it get any weirder? Yes, it can.

Check out these new toys.

Why? It's nearly Christmas.

You give me one good reason...

How offensive could they get?!

What was their slogan?

"Transformers, robots in permanent care".

It's unbelievable how thick they can be.

Apparently they've also halted production of Optimus Nonce

and ClungeKnob SquarePants.

I tell you what, it's not just Transformers behaving badly.

Look where Buzz Lightyear's put his straw.

Have you heard about this shocking new book?

The world's biggest book retailer Amazon has defended its decision

to sell a book that advises readers on how to be a paedophile.

A guidebook for paedophiles?

What is it called? Nonce Upon A Time?

Do you know what my first thought was when I saw this book?

That is my brother's Christmas present sorted.

Wouldn't that be amazing? He is spending it round his girlfriend's.

"Daniel, what have you got from your brother?"

"Nothing."

"Go on, show everyone."

"No!"

The funny thing is, he is an excellent paedophile.

Obviously that's not going to make the telly show.

He's an average paedophile.

He's not a paedophile, I should stress that.

My brother has a real life

and I don't want people throwing stuff at him.

Whatever you're doing, stop for a minute,

cos this next story is wonderful.

Get ready to meet Britain's longest-married couple.

This is great, you're going to love it.

107-year-old Ralph and 101-year-old Phyllis

have been married longer than any other couple in Britain.

The Tarrants got married in 1933.

They have gone on to have two children, seven grandchildren,

three great grandchildren and a great, great grandchild.

So, what's the secret to a long marriage?

She goes her way. I go mine.

No...

"We just hang out in different rooms."

Also the fact that his wife is piss funny.

We're getting old, ancient.

He said "getting".

"Boom.

"I'm like a wrinkly ninja." She's incredible - look at this.

He tries to tell them about his adventures. She's got other ideas.

I've explored Rivelin Valley

right from Malin Bridge right up to the Downs.

Would you like a coffee or anything?

You can swim...

I'm fine, thank you. He does talk a lot though, doesn't he?

He does.

Gets on your nerves!

Obviously the biggest sports news of the past week was Rooney.

Wayne Rooney pulled off a U-turn today -

he did want to stay at Manchester United after all.

Yeah, cos now he's getting 250 grand a week!

The local prostitutes are delighted.

Did you see where Carlos Tevez tried to hide his keys?

Did you see him getting them out?

Talking of fisting, it's been a big week for boxing.

The rather timid Audley Harrison was no match for David Haye,

and hardly a punch was thrown until the third round,

when Haye had predicted he would floor his heavier opponent.

He may have won but he's difficult to love.

The greatest heavyweight of them all, Muhammad Ali, said this.

I murdered a rock, injured a stone, hospitalised a brick!

I'm so mean, I make medicine sick.

Whereas David Haye, he says stuff like this.

This fight will be as one-sided as a gang rape.

LAUGHTER

It gets you right there, doesn't it?

That is funny. Now...it can't all be badgers and jam.

-Now...

-GROANS

Luckily, there's... No, I wasn't even meaning that!

Why would I imply there was a badger on her period?

MORE GROANS

Well, that's what they were doing!

How would I even fucking know?!

"You going to shag that badger?"

"No, she's on, I'm not a weirdo." What the fuck?!

LAUGHTER

I can't believe you reacted like I was the weirdo then.

Now, big news from outer space.

Science fiction could soon become science fact.

That's because NASA scientists are toying with the idea

of sending astronauts all the way to Mars.

Sweet.

Have a look who they're sending up.

Look at the reason why.

They'll have to trick them onto the shuttle.

"This doesn't look like Butlins.

"Where's Alan Titchmarsh? You bastards!"

Imagine the poor sods at mission control having to deal with them.

"Hello? I can't hear you.

"You want me to what? Start the thrusters?

"What's a thruster?

"If only me grandson Tony were here.

"No, it's Tom, isn't it?

"No, it's Tony, it's Tony.

"Tom...

"Deirdre, is it Tom or Tony?

"It's Tony, ain't it? It's Tony?

"Is it Tom?

"I've got mission control. Is it Tom?

"Tony?

"It's Charlotte!

"It's Charlotte, ain't it?

"Is it Tom?

"I've got to go, mission control, Countdown's on.

"And I've shit meself!

"It's like a scatty lava lamp here."

Now, usually I have to guess why my mystery guest has been on the news,

but as it's the last show in the series, the production team

have come up with a very special mystery guest just for me.

# Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock

# Jingle bell swing... #

CHEERING

How are you?

I'm all right, thank you very much.

Excellent. Um...

So, I imagine it has a Santa theme?

No.

-It doesn't.

-I am cunningly disguised as Santa,

but I think you've got to dig a little deeper than that.

OK, I have no idea.

-You're going to...

-No.

-Oh, I thought you were going to get undressed!

I'd be the perviest elf in the world!

It's nothing to do with Christmas, yet you're dressed as Santa?

-Slightly confusing.

-It could be, yes.

It is, believe me!

You have to go back a little bit more in time.

Maybe to your childhood days and watching Saturday night TV...

Holy shit, I know who you are!

Don't say it that way! Yes.

Well, well then. You're Jet from Gladiators, aren't you?

-Yes, indeed.

-Fantastic!

APPLAUSE

-Can you take that off? Is that allowed?

-Certainly can.

Holy shit!

Wow, this is fantastic, nice to meet you!

Happy Christmas.

-I feel like Eunice Huthart!

-I know, she was incredible.

I tell you what, let's take a look at what it was like

in the days of Jet and the rest of the Gladiators.

# Do you feel the power of the Gladiators?

# Can you face the challenge... #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Fantastic. Well, there you go.

Can you still do that?

The Jet hair flick?

-No, that flick you do...

-Oh, yes, I can,

but probably not in these boots tonight.

Oh, my God, my 15-year-old self is going...

HE PANTS

Do you know the effect you had on school... Of course you do.

-No!

-Oh, my God.

-I don't.

Every boy from about 12 to 16

would finish their tea and go, "I'm off to my room, Mum."

SHE LAUGHS

"Don't expect me for an hour."

Ironically, my room looked a lot like this!

LAUGHTER

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.

No, but it's very rare...

Anyway. Back to the flick, can we have a go at it?

Would you like to have a go?

I'll do it if you do it. Where shall we go, over there?

Yep, let's go over there, Jet from Gladiators!

I won't do it with no hands.

I'm like that.

I'll do it first, then you have a go. OK, so...

Watch the heels, the heels! Speed of the heels.

Thank you.

CHEERING

That was rubbish.

Um, we couldn't leave this today,

Christmas day, of all times, without a proper duel fight.

-Have we got pugil sticks?!

-Here's one I prepared earlier.

Absolutely. Where are they?

CHEERING

This is Carl Mintz - ladies and gentlemen, Carl Mintz!

Oi-oi-oi. Get in the fighting area, please.

Oh, he's doing his voice!

Contender, ready?

Yes, Carl.

LAUGHTER

Gladiator, ready?

Gladiator, ready!

-On the whistle! Three, two, one!

-BLOWS WHISTLE

Get some purchase!

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "Another One Bites The Dust" By Queen

AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG

Nice! There you go.

Ladies and gentlemen...

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

So, is there anything else you've got?

-No, that's it.

-Sweet. Carl, do you want to come get these cotton buds?

Ah-ha!

APPLAUSE

-Can I get my other friend out to say hello to you?

-Sorry?

Steve? No, because we're all fans. Steve, come say hello to Jet.

Jet from Gladiators.

LAUGHTER

That was impressive! Hello.

-You all right?

-Yes, I'm fine, thank you.

There you go!

APPLAUSE

It's a wonderful world.

LAUGHTER

Sorry, this is so exciting.

-What's your actual name? That's very rude of me.

-It's Diane.

-Diane Youdale.

-Excellent. It's a genuine pleasure to meet you,

-thank you so much for coming on the show.

-It's my pleasure,

-and congratulations with the show and everything.

-Oh, thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, Diane Youdale!

AKA Jet from Gladiators! Thank you so much.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Yeah, come here. Come here.

Ready?

Yeah, come on. Ladies and gentlemen,

Mr Dan Atkinson!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Right.

-Over arm, mate.

Over arm, sorry!

YEAH!

APPLAUSE

Oh, wow!

Fuck me, could he have looked cooler then?

Strutting on after sweets like a paedo Dr Who.

LAUGHTER

Well, there you go. I really hope you enjoyed this series,

thank you and goodnight.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING