Best Bits Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Thank you very much indeed.

Hello.

Hello. Welcome to my Good News "Best Of" show.

We've covered a lot of stories this series,

and here are some of my favourite ones.

Enjoy!

Is it me, or are Jeremy Paxman's interviews getting too harsh?

You actually are impotent.

LAUGHTER

I tell you what, teaching standards in this country have gone to shit.

Two-plus-two is vagina.

Vagina and vagina.

LAUGHTER

I'm pretty sure it's four.

This is one of my favourite clips of all time.

Check out the advice an old Lady gave Ed Miliband

on how to deal with the Tories.

I know, I know. We've got to do something about them, don't we?

Well, I don't think that's a good idea, but we need to get them out.

We definitely need to get them out. Take care.

And finally, a word of advice, don't blow your nose near a child.

They really don't like it.

CHILD GIGGLES

SOMEONE BLOWS NOSE

Now, you may remember, last week we had the bug that looked like Elvis.

The week before, we had the Hitler house.

CHEERING AND WHOOPING

Incredibly, the papers have come up with another. This week, it's...

a tree that looks like a rock guitarist.

-Do you want to see it? You know you want to.

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

It's brilliant, isn't it?

To be honest, we shouldn't be surprised.

If you look hard enough, most trees look like someone.

Some look like politicians.

Some look like film stars.

And if you look hard enough,

you can even find trees that look like Katie Price.

LAUGHTER

Sometimes I truly love the news in this country.

Have a look at the major crimewave that swept through Norwich.

Donkeys at a sanctuary in Norwich

have had more reason than usual to be downhearted.

Their favourite toys were recently stolen.

Forget the recession, someone's stolen a toy from a donkey.

It gets even better - check out what their favourite toys are.

Why are there donkeys playing with space hoppers?

Surely they prefer Buckaroo?

LAUGHTER

Reminds me of Grandad.

I miss him so much.

To be honest, it's little wonder they're upset.

Check out their owner's hat.

So we put an appeal out on the news

to see if anybody has one in their garden shed,

they could kindly donate.

Why has she got our dead brother on her head?

Have you heard the latest news about the Liberals?

A company in Suffolk have planned a musical about Nick Clegg.

Apparently they're going to call it "Clegg - The Musical".

Surely they should have gone for

"Nick And His Amazing Technicolour Bullshit".

I was so excited by this, I couldn't wait.

So, I've decided to write my own version.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Whatever you're doing, stop!

You are about to have your mind blown to smithereens.

This is one of the most amazing news stories I've ever seen.

Take a look at this giant egg from a farm in southeastern Iowa.

The egg came from a chicken named Aussie,

and it measures more than three inches long

and weighs more than four ounces.

Look how it compares with a normal egg.

Holy shit! Are you getting this?

Look at the size of that egg!

You're probably thinking, and quite rightly, how did this make the news?

I reckon it's because it was found by Cletus off the Simpsons.

"I was trembling.

"It was the biggest egg I'd ever seen.

"I knew something was up because the chicken was all like..."

So, did he keep this discovery to himself?

I love him. He took his egg and showed it to complete strangers.

"Mr Fireman, look at this egg!

"Mr Mayor, we've got to celebrate.

"We should call today... I don't know, Big Egg Day, or some shit."

'As for Aussie, he says she took a week off before laying her next egg.'

"She had to, her ass looked like a yawning hippo."

LAUGHTER

Here's a headline I never thought I'd see...

A bloke from Melbourne has been attaching a parrot

to his windscreen wipers and taking him for a drive.

-Do you want to see the parrot in action?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

'One of the videos was shot in a Melbourne backstreet.'

Hey, go Angus!

Good boy, mate!

"I love it out here,

"the wind blowing through my feathers.

"You know, I don't think I've ever been happier."

'Another, this one, at around 100 kilometres an hour

'in the breakdown lane of a busy Melbourne freeway.'

"Fuuuck!

"STOP THE CAR!

"STOP THE FUCKING CAR!"

Poor parrot!

"Who's a pretty boy then?" "Not me, I've got flies in me teeth!"

"Beak, not teeth. I haven't actually...

"I haven't actually got any teeth...

"I'm a parrot."

I'd do the next joke if I were you, Russ,

you look like a dick on national telly.

The bloke is an absolute moron. Look what he gets angry about.

I'm sick of people looking at me and laughing as I'm driving down the street.

Well, don't Sellotape a parrot to your car then!

As you can imagine, the authorities want this to stop.

'And you're telling people it'll stop?'

No, I won't say it'll stop. I'm going to think about it.

"Yeah, I'm going to think about it.

"But then, in fairness, I said I'd think about going to the dentist."

To be honest, the parrot should count himself lucky.

There are worse cars to be attached to.

# It's Friday, Friday

# Gotta get down on Friday

# Everybody's looking forward To the weekend, weekend... #

HE MIMES ALONG TO SONG

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Blimey, look at the latest thing

the Chinese government have banned...

Just when you thought that the Chinese censors

couldn't get any more sensitive,

the authorities here have decided to ban time travel

from all television programmes.

Their version of Doctor Who is going to be shit.

LAUGHTER

"Let's get the Daleks!" "I can't." "Someone's clamped the TARDIS."

So, why are China doing this?

Madness. It'd be great to rewrite history.

If I could travel back in time,

I would prevent the world's greatest evil.

Mr and Mrs Bieber!

For the sake of humanity, use this condom.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

We don't want you having a baby.

-BOTH: Baby?

-Baby.

BOTH: Oh.

Look at the latest drug craze sweeping America.

Young people have reportedly been snorting or smoking

common bath salts

in an attempt to get high.

How does it work?

Are there kids just walking up and down,

"Yo, man, got any Radox?"

Just getting in the bath, "Oh, I feel so rejuvenated!"

I tell you what, I would not fancy tripping in the bath.

Stop it! Stop it!

Look at you, having a bath, talking to a duck.

You used to be on Mock The Week!

Too freaky!

HE GASPS

Look at the size of my egg!

Aaargh!

Did anyone else see that old bloke talking about vajazzling?

If it's groomed and quite smart,

then it can be quite...enhancing.

But if it's a mess, you think, "Yuck".

I mean, what's it got inside there?

Did anyone else hear that bloke get his cock out, mid-interview?

We're not royalists...

ZIP! ..simple.

And finally, I think this guy's in love with David Cameron.

It's a system so unfair...

# I want to know what love is

# I want you to show me

# I want to feel what love is... #

What an incredible week of news.

First, you couldn't have missed this...

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge show their love to each other

and the world.

Married in Westminster Abbey with friends,

family and dignitaries from across the globe.

It was a wonderful day. Two people in love, the sun was shining,

we got a day off.

As ever, the British public were very reserved.

-Oh, look at William looking at her. Look.

-It's magical!

It is absolutely magical!

-I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

-Beautiful.

I am speechless. Speechless.

CHEERING

Kate! William!

I love that. One minute she's speechless, next minute,

"Aaaaah!"

It wasn't just the public, even the police got into the party spirit.

CROWD CHEERS

CROWD CHEERS

CROWD CHEERS

Mind you, it wasn't hard to get them going.

The crowd cheered anything from the weather to a road sweeper.

There's a 10% chance of a shower during the service itself...

CHEERING

CROWD CHEERS

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS

-"Hooray!

"It's like a car AND a Hoover."

LAUGHTER

It's great, innit?

Mind you, that was nothing compared to the moment Chris Hollins

was accidentally racist.

Have we had a super day today?

-CROWD CHEERS

-I've had a great day, thank you.

-Are you going home?

-No.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Did anyone else notice the Queen didn't join in

when they sang the national anthem?

I reckon it's because she's so bored of it.

She's probably there, going,

"Oh! If I had a pound for every time they played that song.

"Oh, I do!

"Nice one!"

I bet she makes up lyrics in her head.

# I'm missing Bargain Hunt

# What shall I have for lunch?

# Maybe some chips

# Doo-doo-doo-doo

# Who would I rather be?

# SpongeBob or Mr. T?

# I want a butler space monkey

# Cos I'm the Queen. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Now, this is the part of the show

I genuinely don't know anything about.

There's a mystery guest who's been in the news and I have to figure out who it is.

So, please welcome my mystery guest!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

LAUGHTER

-Welcome.

-Hello.

-I'm guessing your name's Jackie.

That's me. Big Jackie.

So, Big Jackie...

If I close my eyes, it sounds like I'm on a chat line.

Hello, is that Big Jackie?

666 9595.

Mum, are you on the line?

Are you a ninja or something?

Why did you say that?

Because you threatened to beat me up.

Have I given the secret away?

I don't know!

I'm nervous of the next question in case I ask the wrong one and you knock me out.

-I can easily do that.

-OK.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

My name's Sam Sam the Bubble Man.

Sam Sam the Bubble Man.

And I'm seven times Guinness World Record-holding bubbleologist.

Bubbleologist?

When I think of bubbles, I think of being five and just having...

Remember those ones, just like that, and just going, "Aaah".

I'm not going to hold it. Look, it's terrifying.

Will somebody have a go for me?

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

-Do you want to have a go? You pretend to be me.

-OK.

-Sweet.

What's that?!

What the fuck is this?

What's that?! I've never done that!

With a little bit of polish, we...

# We can make it through tonight... #

Russell, you never know, you might. There are princesses available, Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie.

We might have the wedding of Princess Beatrice and Russell Howard.

I've met her. My brother offered her Vaseline.

No, no, no. Sorry. He did it the correct way.

Open, twist, move.

It was before the London Marathon and she'd shaved badly

and he went, "Would you like some?"

And she... actually, she was very, "Da, da, da, da, da-da, da-da-da-da".

Lovely(!) That's one for dinner parties.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This is the way we do it for Guinness.

And if you want to get lots of bubbles in a bubble.

Now I'm going to get you to catch a bubble on top.

-OK.

-Catch your bubble. Watch my lips.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm going to be showing you some of the things I teach, which is self defence.

-Now, I won't throw you about like jujitsu because you wouldn't know how to fall, would you?

-No.

-So...

-Come over here. I'm going to get beaten up.

Right. Grab here again.

We're not really meant to do this, but...

-So grab there.

-Yeah.

-Oh, no!

Strike!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ooh, let's get it off.

I don't like that dress anyway.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We know what's happening - I'm getting beaten up again.

-Have you ever arm wrestled before?

-I'm getting beaten up yet again.

Oh, the imagination of my production team(!)

"He should get beaten up again!"

I'll show you a few techniques.

Just punch me in the face.

Why do we have to fight? Can we not cuddle?

Just sit down.

-You sit down.

-I don't want to be a sumo wrestler!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'll just pull you around.

You'll be all right!

Stop it!

Oh, stop it, you naughty boy!

Stop it!

-First technique...

-You smell lovely.

-Thank you.

-Aaah! Yeah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You left me there longer than you had to.

But you're such a nice boy.

-Well, we could try to put YOU in a bubble.

-We could do, yeah.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK. Admit it, it's got to be better than being beaten up my random women.

Yes, it is. Absolutely.

It'd be lovely if I died in this bubble, eh?

So what we're going to do to try and make it big is, I want you to stand a little bit to your left.

You're bigger than I thought, you know.

By the way, you can also make bubbles with your hands.

Just put me in a fucking bubble.

APPLAUSE

Here we go. On the count of three. One, two, three.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You've been wonderful.

You'll always remember me, won't you?

Yeah. Every time I see a lollipop lady, I'll go like that.

HE SCREAMS

I'll go round! I'll go round.

She's mental!

-But I'll always remember you.

-Can I go now?

-Of course you can.

We're going to give you a round of applause and then you can run back.

Ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ena the Warrior Princess!

Mystery guest!

Sam Sam the Bubble Man!

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for our mystery guest.

Every series we do, we have to cut out a lot of stories from the show.

Here are a few of those unseen bits. Hope you enjoy.

I'll tell you a secret. Two of my friends are here

and I looked over to them and one of them was laid down there

and the other was going like that.

Trying to concentrate and your mates are there going...

Have a look at a novel way prisoners in America are getting high.

Three inmates in New Jersey tonight charged in a clever scheme.

They are accused of using children's colouring books to smuggle drugs into the prison.

Basically, they rub drugs onto kids drawings.

Much of these colourings on these sheets is actually a narcotic called suboxone. It's made into paste,

thinned to look like paint, then smeared on drawings

that are sent to inmates who can lick the substance to get high.

I'd love to have seen that in The Shawshank Redemption.

"I remember the first time I saw Andy. He was licking a drawing of Daffy Duck.

"I was off my tits sucking Scooby Doo."

That sounded weirder than I meant it to.

It's madness, isn't it?

Getting high while staring at kids' cartoons, that'd be terrifying.

What if you were on a bad trip?

Hi, Russell!

PONY LAUGHS

Hello!

PONY SCREAMS

I told you not to leave Mock The Week.

HE SCREAMS

Have you seen the latest doll hitting the shelves?

It's called the Breast Milk Baby,

and the toy company's video demonstration on its website

shows how it works.

Now, its website says the doll is designed

to teach little girls how to breastfeed.

Breastfeeding baby?

A doll that teaches you how to breastfeed?

Cos that's what you need to know when you're five.

Why not go the whole hog and just get a doll that hands out sex tips?

The kid pulls a cord and it says, "When you're giving a blow job, play with his balls".

Mum! Mum, Barbie's gone weird!

Mind you, there are worse children's toys.

That's ET's finger.

LAUGHTER

I must have missed that bit of the film.

"Elliot. Elliot, I'm not ready to go home yet".

"Nobody's going to believe you in the morning".

"The alien. Where's the alien? He's gone!"

It's so hard reading in autocue cos my lazy eye's like,

"I want to go over there".

APPLAUSE

Horrible, right?

There you go.

-WOMAN:

-Can you sign it?

-Can I sign it?

-Please.

It's probably voodoo and you're like, "Ha ha ha. Ha-ha. Da-ha-ha."

How weird is this?

For the people at home, what's happened, during my show, a young lady

has turned up and started knitting, right?

Already fairly weird. She's a young woman.

"In case it's crap, I'll knit."

She said she was going to knit this. Presumably it started out as Prince William.

No, Kate Middleton.

It was meant to be Kate Middleton, but instead...

we have me.

But I've fallen on such hard times, I can no longer afford shoes.

Over in Siberia, there's been a major discovery.

Two students found the creature. They even recorded a video.

THEY SPEAK FOREIGN LANGUAGE

Well, it looks like Elliot's dad kicked the shit out of ET.

It was pretty amazing. Everyone thought they'd discovered an alien,

then some scientists turned up and found this out.

The students were taking the piss. Isn't that great?

"Did you pass your degree?"

"No, I made ET out of toast."

Do you reckon this happens a lot in Russia?

"Oh, look - Bigfoot. Oh, no, is Scotch egg."

The bread alien isn't the only UFO story in the news.

There's a bloke in America who wants to build a place for aliens to park their ships.

And as you can imagine, oh, he's completely normal(!)

He goes by UFO Phil and he's a...

Scientist of sorts,

alien translator...

And a pretty amazing bullshitter.

Listen to why he reckons the aliens haven't visited.

They're up there now and they would love to come down. They have no docking stations here.

They're not coming, they've got no docking stations.

Like there's aliens going, "I would visit Earth, but the parking is a nightmare.

"And don't get me started on the congestion charge!"

Then again maybe I'm the fool. I mean, UFO Phil has actually met them.

-He will be the leader of the good aliens.

-OK.

-Zaxon with a Z.

-Is he actually blue?

-Oh, yes.

I would not take artistic liberties with Zaxon.

"I would not take artistic liberties with Zaxon!

"Can you imagine him calling me up?

" 'Hey, Phil, you bitch, you made me look fat.'

" 'OMG! I'm so sorry, Zaxon.

" 'You're not fat, you're cuddly.' "

So You're probably thinking the locals must think this guy is a nutter.

Guess again. Some of them want to work at the docking station.

Aim for the stars, mate.

"Wow, aliens we can learn more about their culture."

"Yeah, and I can wash their fucking cars."

Not everyone is in love like Wills and Kate. Some of you may need this.

Do you ever wish you could make an ex jealous on Facebook

or fool your friends into thinking

you're in a happy relationship? Well, now you can.

A new service called Cloud Girlfriend helps guys who aren't ready to admit

that they're single.

It allows users to create the perfect girlfriend

who will post on their wall and make all other social media moves

so it seems like the guy really does have a girlfriend.

Basically, this is for depressed blokes who've been dumped.

The trouble is, what if you get spotted out?

"All right, Bob?

"It says on Facebook you're having a romantic meal with your girlfriend.

"So why are you outside crying in your pants?"

Or even worse, what if you commit suicide and the programme carries on?

Your mate's going, "You know Bob died?

"Yeah, well, his girlfriend is a sick bitch!

"On his wall, capital letters, 'Just gave Bob the best blow job ever.'

"What's wrong with her? He's been dead three weeks."

to be honest, it'd be easy to tell which posts are fake

because their girlfriend will be stupidly nice on his wall.

"You're amazing. I love you so much."

Real couples aren't like that,

real couples are like this.

This one's even better, right?

Thanks very much for watching Good News.

Until the next series, farewell.

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