Episode 7 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much.

Hello!

Hello and welcome to Good News.

So what have we learnt this week?

Well, this woman revealed the dullest hobby ever.

I used to keep a list in my bag of towns beginning with Y

because there weren't many!

Anyway...

LAUGHTER

If you're going on telly,

make sure you know what you're going to say.

Constitutional change could go through without any basic...

erm...voting...erm...

basing on the...

I'm sorry...

Did anyone else hear that bloke get his cock out mid-interview?

We're not royalists.

ZIP!

Simple.

What an incredible week of news. First up, you couldn't have missed this...

The Duke and Duchess show their love to each other and the world.

Married in Westminster Abbey, with friends,

family and dignitaries from across the globe.

It was a wonderful day.

Two people in love, the sun was shining, we got a day off.

As ever, the British public were very reserved.

Oh, look at William looking at her. Look.

It's magical. It is absolutely magical!

I wouldn't be anywhere else.

It's beautiful!

I am speechless.

CHEERING

Aaaah!

Kate, William!

I love that. One minute she's speechless, next minute,

"Aaaahhhhhhhh!"

They weren't the only ones. The crowd was full of brilliant nutters.

I made this costume all myself.

With UHU glue.

LAUGHTER

It wasn't just the public,

even the police got into the party spirit.

CROWD CHEERS

CROWD CHEERS

CROWD CHEERS

Mind you, it wasn't hard to get them going.

The crowd cheered anything from the weather to a road sweeper.

There's a 10% chance of a shower during the service itself...

CHEERING

CHEERING

CHEERING

"Waaaaay!

"It's like a car AND a Hoover."

For many people...

A few of you - "It is, actually, it's very good."

For many people, the iconic image of the wedding was this...

'Lots of shouts from the crowd here.

'And that's the reward.'

Come on, the iconic wedding image was this little girl.

"I can't believe I put glue on my hands."

Did you watch the service?

When the priest asked if anyone objected to the wedding,

did anyone else go, "Yeah!

"He's really punching above his weight!"

I love how many times they kept saying, "Kate arrived a commoner and left a princess."

Commoner? She's hardly Vicky Pollard.

"Sorry I'm late, Wills, I was shoplifting down Primark."

LAUGHTER

The best bit was when William said,

"I take Kate to be my wife for richer and poorer."

You could hear the entire nation going, "Poorer? Bollocks!"

Just before the ceremony, Harry took Wills off for a private word.

I bet you money he said, "Listen, Wills, I know it's your big day

"but I'm definitely going to have a pop at Kate's sister."

Who could blame him? She is extraordinary.

MUSIC: "Foxy Lady" by Jimi Hendrix.

# Foxy

# You got to be all mine

# All mine

# Foxy lady. #

I think I speak for the nation when I say she is a BMILF -

a bridesmaid I'd love...

to Facebook.

LAUGHTER

Talking of Facebook, within minutes, this page was created -

the Pippa Middleton Arse Appreciation Society.

I wonder who set that up?

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

Back to the wedding.

Did anyone else notice

the Queen didn't join in with the National Anthem?

I reckon it's cos she's so bored of it.

She's probably there going, "Oh!

"If I had a pound for every time they played that song...

"Oh, I do!

"Nice one!"

I'll bet she makes up lyrics in her head.

-TO TUNE OF THE NATIONAL ANTHEM:

-# I'm missing Bargain Hunt

# What shall I have for lunch

# Maybe some chips

# Doo-doo-doo

# Who would I rather be?

# SpongeBob or Mr T?

# I want a butler space monkey

# Cos I'm the Queen. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I know for a fact the Queen's really into her music.

Listen to what she was playing on the way to the service.

MUSIC: "Ridin'" by Chamillionaire

I couldn't take my eyes off the Queen. Did you see what she wore?

I was looking, going, "Where have I seen that before?"

Then it hit me!

LAUGHTER

"Smoking!"

The big fashion story was definitely Kate's dress.

What will the bride be wearing and who has designed it?

All they want to know is what dress will she wear?

It really will be one of the biggest fashion moments of all time.

My brother lost 50 quid after he bet on Kate wearing this.

LAUGHTER

The oddest fashion choice had to go to Tara Palmer-Tomkinson.

Surely, if you've had to get a new nose because your old one

was destroyed by drugs, don't wear a hat that points to it!

LAUGHTER

It's like getting herpes and wearing this.

Mind you, the hat was nothing compared to her sister.

She has the poshest name ever.

"That is her sister, Santa Sebag Montefiore.

MOUTHS: What?!

Santa Sebag Montefiore.

Santa Sebag Montefiore?!

Sounds like something this guy shouts when he cums!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Everywhere you looked, people were wearing medals.

David Beckham was there, looking great, wearing his OBE.

His medal there that he's got. But apparently, we're being informed,

he is wearing it on the wrong side.

Imagine someone telling him, "Dave, it's on the wrong side."

"Oh, right!"

LAUGHTER

"Victoria, look, it's that bloke from The Mask!"

"Smoking!"

LAUGHTER

The wedding was the biggest television event of all time. Did you see how many people watched it?

It's thought up to two billion people around the world

watched them today exchange their vows.

Most of you probably watched it on the Beeb,

which is a shame,

cos you missed out on the in-depth knowledge of Euronews.

Listen to how they describe the fly-past over Buckingham Palace.

All I can tell you is that that's a big plane.

It's got two little planes either side of it.

LAUGHTER

That is genius! It's great, isn't it?

Mind you, that was nothing compared to the moment

Chris Hollins was accidentally racist.

-Have we had a super day today?

-Had a great day, thank you!

-Fantastic!

-Are you going home?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So that's it for the Royal Wedding. Congratulations to Kate and Will.

People were saying it's the best wedding ever. Oh, come on!

It was good. It'll never beat this.

The rings, please.

Oh, my God!

The other major international news was this.

Fox News is just reporting that Bin Laden, Osama Bin Laden, is dead.

Did you see how the papers covered it?

The Times went with,

"Justice is done."

The Express had,

"Coward to the end."

And what did The Sun go with?

"Bin Bagged."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Bin Bagged!

The American reaction to Bin Laden's death was fairly muted.

You kill innocent American people, you'll pay the price.

ALL: USA! USA! USA!

Osama Bin Laden is dead.

Happy days!

LAUGHTER

Did you see how they got rid of Bin Laden's body?

We can now confirm that about an hour and a half ago, John,

Osama Bin Laden was buried at sea.

I love that description. "Buried."

I think the verb they're searching for is "flung"!

"We found you, now you find Nemo!"

LAUGHTER

The bizarrest thing about this story, do you know

the anagram you can make out of Osama Bin Laden?

Look at this. Osama Bin Laden...

Lob Da Man In Sea!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Bin Laden's death sent the American networks into overload.

Now, here's a tip. If you're reporting on one of the biggest stories of the year,

make sure you know who killed who.

President Obama is in fact dead...

LAUGHTER

Well, he isn't, is he? The timing of this couldn't have been better for Obama.

All week, he'd been dealing with this.

President Obama has released a full copy of his birth certificate

to counter claims that he wasn't born in America.

Right-wing extremists believed that Obama shouldn't be President

because he wasn't born in America.

I love the fact that a load of rednecks believe the Bible,

but they don't believe Obama's American!

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-"I believe Jesus turned water into wine.

"I believe a virgin gave birth to God's child.

"But a black man born in America, that just don't make no sense."

Wouldn't it be great if Obama went, "My birth certificate? Yeah, yeah.

"It's here, it's just in my... TROUSERS!"

It's pretty unfair. Nobody asked to see George Bush's birth certificate.

In fairness, his mum was pretty busy.

"I'll... I'll call back later, Mrs Bush, you look busy.

"I'll... I'll call back later."

Obama may have killed Bin Laden and revealed his birth certificate,

but for an old friend of the show,

it still wasn't enough. Remember this guy?

Mr Long-legged mac daddy...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's the preacher who hates Obama. He was back in the news.

Have a listen to where he reckons

the President got his birth certificate.

That fake birth certificate that Obama put,

he bought it from down there in Mexico,

and put it on his website. He bought it from Mexico.

Now, all the Mexicans are saying, "Yay. Amen..."

And whatever else it is they say...in Mexico.

My favourite part of the whole birth certificate business

was the joke the President told

at the White House Correspondents' dinner.

Check this out. It's brilliant.

Tonight, for the first time, I am releasing my official birth video.

That is a good gag!

"Hakuna ma fuckin' tata!

"I'm Barack Obama."

So what else has been happening? Have you seen the latest international crime fighter?

He's dressed head to toe in black. He's a self-styled ninja warrior.

He says he wants to bring hope to ordinary citizens.

Pretty impressive.

Where does this all-powerful ninja operate? New York? Tokyo?

Tunbridge Wells?! What crime does he deal with there?

"Somebody help! A lady has served red wine with fish!"

It is so tragic, isn't it?

"I am the Tunbridge Wells ninja!"

"Dad! Why are you wearing pyjamas?"

"Who is Dad? I am ninja."

"Dad, your cock's hanging out."

What has he been up to? Sword fighting, throwing a death star?

He helped rescue his friend's cat from a tree.

He rescued a cat and now he's a ninja. Look what else he does.

He carried on doing other good deeds like helping old ladies cross the road.

What a ninja!

Helping old ladies across the road.

"Only go when the light is green. Never fear, old lady, I am a ninja!"

"Oh, right, you look like a twat in pyjamas!"

"And your cock's hanging out."

He's hardly helping.

How scary would it be if you're an old lady,

and a bloke dressed in black goes, "I'm taking you to the other side."

"Oh, shit! Is it my time to die?"

"I never thought Death would have his cock out!"

I am sure he's very good, but you hear "Tunbridge ninja", you don't picture this...

You picture this...

This next story is brilliant.

Over in Australia, a member of the navy has made the news

after getting hammered whilst working in America.

This amateur video of a drunk Australian submariner

being restrained by US guards is the latest

in a string of embarrassing scandals for the Australian Defence Force.

He was wasted. They had to handcuff him to a stretcher.

The reason I love this story

is because of the action the Australian Navy took.

The intoxicated sailor has since been promoted...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Just unbelievable.

A farmer in Devon has come up with an unusual way to protect his flock.

How do you prevent your sheep from being stolen?

According to one farmer on Dartmoor, you do this - you dye them orange.

Orange things don't get stolen? Well, this guy is safe from kidnap!

Orange sheep would freak you out.

Imagine cutting through that field on the way home from the pub.

"Dave, the pumpkins are following me!"

"Dave?

"Is that a bloke in his pyjamas?"

"Dave, I think his cock's hanging out!"

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

On the plus side,

if all farmers start dyeing sheep orange, it will catch out perverts.

DOOR OPENS

Hello, love. Good day tending the sheep?

It was all right. It was quite quiet, really.

-What have you done?

-What?!

Unbelievably, that isn't the strangest animal story of the week.

Nobody saw this affair coming.

They say love comes in all shapes and sizes.

An eight-year-old swan named Swanny

has developed a strange infatuation with a blue tractor.

Apparently a swan is in love with a tractor.

I bet the other swans think he's a right pervert.

They're in the lake kissing, he's in his room with a load of tissues watching Top Gear.

"Pop her bonnet!"

Probably the worst impression of a swan you'll ever see.

The love between a swan and a tractor can only end one way.

MUSIC: "Je t'aime"

This is the part of the show I don't know anything about.

This is a mystery guest who has been in the news

and I have to figure out who that person is.

Please welcome my mystery guest!

APPLAUSE

Hello. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER WOLF-WHISTLES

-Look at that.

-Was that the first time you've been on telly?

-No.

-You got a wolf whistle! Can I look underneath your curtains?

-No!

OK.

Not the first lady who's refused that.

-Something to do with bric-a-brac? Collecting things?

-No.

Um... Er...

-Do you work with children?

-I do.

-You work with children.

And what's...

-The medals are something to do with it.

-Something to do with medals.

-Have you competed?

-Yes.

-Against children?

-No.

-My day job is working with children.

-Your day job is working with kids.

-But by night...

-Something different.

-Are you an athlete?

-Yes.

-Excellent.

-What do you do?

-I'm 15 times British Champion...

-Yeah.

-..in...

-Have you guessed yet?

-Arm wrestling!

-Yeah.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Come on, then.

-Have you ever arm wrestled before?

I just know I'm going to get beaten up yet again.

The imagination of my production team!

-I'll show you a few techniques.

-Just punch me in the face.

Just get it out the way. It's all people want to see. Just deck me.

-I'll show you a few techniques.

-Yeah.

-We stand up.

You hold your peg. There we go. The first technique...

-You smell lovely!

-Thank you.

Ah! Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'll give you that one.

A top roll. A little technique for you.

With this part of your hand, you need to open my fingers, so I'm like this.

-OK.

-Then you drag me down to the back. Nice and easy. Like this.

Want to practise?

Right. Use your body weight a bit more.

So drag your body...

That's better. All right. Next one is called a hook.

-The strongest person normally wins this one.

-It'll be you!

You hook both wrists in and drag back.

LAUGHTER

-I'm really trying. Ready?

-Yeah.

-SHE SNIGGERS

-Yeah, yeah, yeah!

-Can you improvise?

-I've shown you a few things...

Commence with the beating. OK.

Choose one in your head.

-Ready? Three, two, one.

-Ow.

-No, you're letting me win. Don't let me win!

-I'm not.

I feel like a child!

"You can eat from the adult menu." Let me eat my own food.

AUDIENCE: Come on, Russ!

Oh, come on!

APPLAUSE

All right. For the last one, I do...

I'll show you how we do it in a professional competition.

Wow, I can already feel it! Damn!

-You give me a go.

-I'll give you a go!

Go!

Let's have a chat. That's easier.

-Have you got a boyfriend?

-Yes.

Now, I don't want to get base...

But...there are certain things that a man and lady can do.

-That women can do better.

-He must be terrified when you do it!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yeah? Literally...

-I'm talking of course about pancake flipping!

-Of course!

Which is a different thing to call it. How did you start this?

-Can you beat your dad?

-My dad was the British Heavyweight Champion.

He built me a table when I was little.

When I was seven,

I entered a sub-junior competition and beat about six boys.

-Wow! How old were they?

-They were between six and nine.

-Excellent.

Then when I was 11, I entered the British Championships and won it.

-From then on, won it.

-Fantastic. It is lovely to meet you. Thank you.

-Thank you.

-Please, give it up for my mystery guest.

Have you seen the latest way some teenagers are tackling exams?

It's a pill called a smart drug.

Apparently, it makes you more intelligent.

Some swear they're the secret to maximising memory power,

to aid exams, to boost concentration

and to help stay alert for hours at a time.

These are smart drugs

and a recent survey said one in ten students were taking them.

Kids are taking smart drugs? Who is their dealer? This guy?

If I was still at school,

just before an exam, I would offer my mate some smart pills

and instead I'd give them Viagra.

Wouldn't that be fantastic? They're trying to do algebra with a massive rod on!

The teacher's walking around, "My God, these kids really love maths!"

I'm not going to use these smart pills. Why?

Because I'd leave them lying around and my dog would eat them and that would freak me out!

"Greetings, Russell." "All right?"

"I'm fine, thank you. Did you know all polar bears are left-handed

"and there are no cats in the Bible?

"In other news, I've done a shit in your shoes."

As ever, the papers are shrieking, "This is terrible!

"All children are taking them!"

Calm down! Not all teenagers are taking smart pills as these exam answers prove.

"Briefly explain what hard water is."

"Explain the shape of the graph."

"It's curvy."

My personal favourite...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Time for my final story. This is beautiful.

It's an inspirational story about a father and his son

who compete in marathons and triathlons across America.

This is where they go to prove their mettle.

Endurance racers from around New England,

ready to take on an Olympic distance triathlon.

Those who finish will swim a mile, bike 24 and run six more.

I want to welcome everyone.

But one man has a tougher challenge than the rest.

It's not because he's one of the oldest guys here.

It's because Dick Hoyt will pull, pedal and push his son Rick

who was born without the ability to move or speak.

Dick and Rick have completed over 240 triathlons

and, on their lazier Sunday afternoons, over 68 marathons,

the fastest in a time just half an hour off the world record.

I don't have the desire to be out there running by myself.

It is something that comes from his body to my body.

It makes us go faster.

Are you trying to say that you run faster pushing Rick

than if you didn't run with him?

Oh, yeah. He inspires me and he motivates me.

He is the athlete and he is very competitive. He wants to win.

'I have shown to disabled people

'that they don't have to sit back and watch the world go by.'

There you go.

APPLAUSE

I can think of no better way of ending the show than that.

Thank you so much for watching Good News. Until next time, farewell.

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