Episode 6 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language.

Thank you very much!

Thank you very much. Thank you. Hello and welcome to Good News.

So, what have we learnt this week?

Well, it doesn't take much to make them laugh at Sky News.

Bottoms!

Blimey, have you seen what Jacqui Smith looks for in a film?

Anal sex, double penetration, group sex...

This is one of my favourite clips of all time.

Check out the advice an old lady gave Ed Miliband on how to deal with the Tories.

I know, we've got to do something about them, don't we?

I don't think that's a good idea, but we need to get them out.

We definitely need to get them out. Take care.

I've watched this next clip 20 times.

I still don't know what this man is saying.

MUMBLING

The award for the most emotional interview of the week has to go to this guy.

I grew up here. I live here.

And...I used to play football here.

I can't believe anybody's going to close the damn thing down!

How am I... I couldn't... Oh, shit.

So, what got him so upset?

War? Poverty?

It's got you that upset?

Oh, yeah. Are you kidding?

It's, like, stupid.

Why the hell...why would they shut down this library?

Well, there's only one story dominating the news.

Final preparations are taking place ahead of the Royal Wedding tomorrow.

The Daily Express are trying their hardest to hype the event.

I'm not so sure about that.

-What do you think about the Royal Wedding?

-I'm not interested.

-Do you have any plans for the day?

-Not interested.

Ask me about the Royal Wedding.

-What do you think about...?

-I don't care. I really don't care.

-What do you think about the Royal Wedding?

-I'm bored out of my mind with it.

Are you? There's too much coverage?

It's ridiculous. Two young people getting married. So what?

Isn't she great? She's literally seconds away - "Why don't you just fuck off?"

Of all the interviews, this is probably my favourite.

-Am I getting invited?

-I don't know, you tell me. Are you waiting for an invitation?

-No.

I love it! "Why aren't I going?" "Do you want to go?" "No.

"I hate the royals."

It's a bit over the top, isn't it? When the wedding was announced,

nobody cared. We don't care about the Royal Family.

I don't feel connected to them.

I could not give a shit. What, we get a day off?

# God save our gracious Queen... #

Let's have a street party!

The trouble is, the parties won't be like this.

# If you got a 50 bill Put your hands up

# If you got a 20 bill Put your hands up... #

They'll be like this.

SILENCE

Let's be honest, the last thing you want is to get drunk with your neighbours.

All the grudges come out. It'll start off quite nice. "Hello! A jam and scone, how marvellous!"

Nine hours later - "Why do you mow the lawn every Saturday at seven in the fucking morning?

"And I hate your cat.

"That's why I killed him."

I didn't really kill a cat.

If...if you think there's been a lot of media coverage in this country, you should see America.

-The Royal Wedding...

-Hype is reaching fever pitch.

-The energy is just palpable.

-The entire world will be watching...

-..Kate and Will's big day.

They're obsessed. My favourite has to be ABC News.

They've employed an Irish guy who just makes stuff up.

William is a very bad surfer.

William has one foot that's two sizes bigger than the other.

The Queen Mother was a big fan of Jamaican ska music.

He's just making up bollocks!

"Camilla keeps her otter in her handbag.

"The Queen only ever eats Monster Munch."

One of the things that's amazed me about the wedding

is the sheer quantity of crap memorabilia. These are all real.

-Royal Wedding Oyster card.

-A William and Kate teapot.

-White bone china.

-A £5 coin.

-16-inch doll.

-Sick bags.

Party popper.

-Garden gnomes.

-Pez dispenser.

-Place settings.

-Nail polish.

-Pizza.

-Teabags.

-Condoms.

-Graphic novel.

-Snacks.

And a Royal Wedding cock ring.

A Royal Wedding cock ring?

Let's hope they don't use that for the service.

"Harry!

"What the hell is this?"

"Lost it."

That's not even the weirdest product. Check this out.

I bet Harry gives some to the corgis. Wouldn't that be great? They're in the garden,

dragging their wangs in the dirt like a furry Scalextric.

Bit much.

Now, I think a Viagra beer is madness. You'll have a boner, but you'll also be bursting for a piss.

The reception toilets will look like this.

So what else has been going on?

Well, big political news.

Ed Miliband is having a nose job.

Ed Miliband is to have an operation on his nose

to rid him of his nasal drawl.

Sky News reporter Peter Spencer slammed him.

There is much speculation

about whether it is to make him sound less like a mutant.

It's like Spencer's had a meltdown.

"He's a mutant, you're all arseholes and Sky TV can lick my balls.

"Back to you, Adrian, you fat wanker."

Apparently, the reason for Miliband having the operation is because

he wants to sound smoother and more prime-ministerial.

Wouldn't it be funny if the surgeon was a massive Tory and he ended up sounding like this?

To be honest, I'm not sure his voice is the problem.

I think it's that every time you look at him, you can't help but see this.

In religious news, the Pope's had a big weekend.

The Pope has taken part in a televised question and answer session this afternoon. It was the first time

a pontiff has taken questions from the members of the public,

although they were submitted in advance on a website and then chosen by producers.

Did you watch it? It was so boring.

They should have got a load of kids, filled them full of Red Bull and let them ask him questions.

"Mr Pope? If God is everywhere, does that mean He watches me when I do a poo?

"What a weirdo!"

"Oh, I've got one. You know Jesus, right? You know Jesus was born on Christmas Day?

"Does he only get one set of presents?

"One more! If God loves us, why did he make Justin Bieber?"

"Look at me, Pope."

If I could ask the Pope a question, it would simply be "What is going on with these dancers?"

I've done nothing to this clip. The music and camera shots are exactly what happened.

In Sporting News, Real Madrid won the Spanish Cup.

Look what happened during the celebrations.

'During the victory parade through the Spanish capital,

'Sergio Ramos was showing off the trophy,

'when suddenly he lost his grip.

'The unsuspecting driver continued on, leaving the Cup stuck under the bus.'

What an idiot!

I mean, you can see how he dropped it.

It's not as if it's got two massive handles.

"What can I hold on to?"

You've got to love Sergio Ramos. Did you see what he said on Twitter?

He's like a five-year-old stood next to a broken window.

"It wasn't me! It was the window monster!"

To be honest, it's not a surprise this happened.

Ramos is pretty clumsy.

Look what he did to a girl at the celebration party.

Sergio Ramos!

Tell you what, some cracking animal stories knocking around.

First up, a report about love.

In a corner of Harrogate, there's an air of sadness.

Do you know why? Isn't he beautiful?

But Peter the peacock is all alone.

For the last year, the homeless bird has been wandering

from street to street, searching for a female companion.

-AUDIENCE: Aww!

-Don't "Aw!" It's brilliant.

A randy peacock is strutting around Yorkshire.

"How do, ladies."

Do you want to see how he tries to pull?

WOMAN: He just needs somebody with him.

He just looks for somebody and cries.

Sometimes it's a hoot, but more than enough, it's a cry like a cat.

God knows what her cat looks like!

SQUAWKING

Imagine going round her house.

"Do you want to meet me cat?" "That's an elephant."

"It's a cat. He's got a trunk and tusks... You're right, it is an elephant. Bloody pet shop!

Tony, you were right.

"Empty the bath. It's not a goldfish, it's a rhino.

"We've been diddled."

Despite the bird's strange squawk, he's made the local grannies swoon.

He's displaying.

It's spring, and he's showing his beauty.

And it is clearly working.

Look what he's been up to with this lady.

All the girls say to me at work, "You look dreadful this morning."

"Yes, I've been up with that peacock again!"

Son of a bitch!

She's like, "You call him peacock, I call him Thundercock. Oh!"

Incredibly, she's not alone.

He's really been putting it about.

-We all love him, don't we, girls?

-Yes!

Look at that lot! He's like the peacock Wayne Rooney.

Have you heard the latest airline hitting the skies?

'With competition among airlines as tough as ever,

it seems some will go to any lengths to attract new customers,

'even the four-legged variety.

'Pet Airways is being launched in the US to provide

'dedicated travel for cats and dogs.'

That's right, there's an airline for dogs.

Well, some of them were born to fly.

Imagine dogs checking in.

"Hello, sir, has anyone interfered with your bags?"

"Yeah, a vet snipped them off when I was a puppy.

"I thought it was just a day out, and then - fzz - they were gone."

I'd love to see dogs in the cabin on a reclining seat.

"This is brilliant!

"I'm not normally allowed on here!

"And they're showing Marley And Me."

A pet airline is pretty ridiculous.

Everywhere you look, animals are getting more and more pampered.

How long before we see adverts on telly like this?

'Here at Animal Spa, we offer a range of services.

'A doggy pedicure,

'marsupial massage,

'a pig hot tub and, for those very special occasions,

'a lemur back, sack and crack wax.'

Have you heard about the postman in America and his rather unusual delivery?

We're taking this very seriously, and I want to apologise to our customers.

Don Derfler certainly got more than a 20 when he was babysitting his son

and waiting for the mailman.

I thought he had a bunch of packages for us.

Oh, it wasn't packages.

Listen to what the postman did.

He started pulling his pants down and started...defecating.

That's right, he did a shit on his lawn.

That's what I call a special delivery.

So, how did the bloke react? Did he call the police?

I grabbed my camera and started taking pictures.

What a filthy pervert!

"There's a man having a poo!

"Where's my camera?

"Oh, that is the stuff!

"This is going straight on scatmuncher.com."

This guy's hilarious. Listen to his final complaint.

This is how... they respect our property?

That's not right.

And it's also a biohazard.

"That's a biohazard. He had a dirty bomb. He was trying to blow my family up with his ass."

Back in Blighty, have you heard the latest news about William Shakespeare?

He's getting an R'n'B overhaul.

A hip-hop production of Shakespeare is opening in east London.

It's written by two brothers from Chicago.

What are they going to call it, A Midsummer Night's Drive-by?

Much A Dizzle About Nizzle?

Who knows? Here's the writers of the musical. What about this for a quote?

-If Shakespeare were alive today, he'd be rapping.

-Yeah, for sure.

Of course he would!

Shakespeare as a rapper - I'd love to see that.

# Hey, JLS, you can suck my dick

In the UK, we've had loads of sun. In America, the weather was a tad more aggressive.

Let's bring you some dramatic pictures

we've just had in from the United States. Look at this.

Dramatic stuff. It was in the Bowling Green, Missouri area,

touching down at a farm, destroying a house,

two barns, flipping over plenty of heavy equipment...

It wasn't just houses and barns that were destroyed.

This man suffered a tragic, tragic loss.

'Eric Hubbard was sitting in a car eating lunch

'when Friday's tornado came barrelling towards them.'

It was spinning and it got big going up.

It hit the ground, and kept coming up. I got out the car.

I was scared.

I was eating a hamburger, it took it...

-It took your hamburger?

-I was enjoying it!

"The damn tornado took my burger!"

What I love about this guy - he's in the middle of a storm, and he's eating a burger.

"Oh, my God, a tornado! I'm going to die!

Oh..."

Do you reckon he's like that in every life-threatening situation?

"What's that, Doctor? I've got six months to live?

"I don't mean to cry, Doctor,

"but there's no ketchup on this burger."

It's not been all bad news for him. Since this clip appeared on the news, he's become a celebrity.

He lost his burger in last Friday's tornado, but found internet fame along the way.

Eric Hubbard, aka Burger Man.

He's now called Burger Man.

A news crew even took him back and bought him a burger.

Then, out of nowhere, he just started singing.

# I was just sitting here wondering

# All I want to do is thank God

# For my things

# And having me here today

# Because that was a shame how that tornado took my burger away...

APPLAUSE DROWNS LYRICS # ..It took it all away from me

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, whoah, whoah!

# And I also want to thank my friends

# For bringing me here today

# Cos you didn't have to do it

# All I want to say is thank you Thank you, thank you, thank you

# Hm, ohh

# Hm, hm, hm. #

This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.

There'll be a mystery guest who's been in the news, and I have to

figure out who that person is. Please welcome my mystery guest!

# School's out for summer...

Hello.

# School's out for ever... #

Hello.

Hello.

How do you do? William Hanson.

-William Henderson?

-Hanson.

-Hanson, I apologise.

-Don't worry.

-You weren't the fourth member of the boy band?

-No, that's the bane of my life.

-OK, sorry.

So I imagine it has something to do with education.

Yes, you could say that.

It would appear to be. It seems to be quite an old-fashioned place you work?

-Yes, it's perceived to be.

-Right.

Do you want to give me any other clues, other than it feels like I'll get caned at any second?

Well...

-Think topically. We have a very big event coming up.

-Oh, right.

Were you William's teacher?

-No...

-Kate's teacher?

-No, I'm far too young for that.

Although...

Did you once creep into their playground?

-No, but...

-Thank God for that.

-Think about what governs their life. You're on the right lines.

-Money.

-No.

What governs their life? Tradition.

Yes, we're on the right lines, think about their behaviour.

-Do you belong to a finishing school?

-Yes.

-Ah, sweet.

-I am Britain's youngest etiquette expert.

-Ah!

Of course, we have the Royal Wedding tomorrow,

and I've been in the news telling people what to do

at the wedding and how to behave around the Royal Family.

There you go, ladies and gentlemen.

So how should we correctly... Shall we fist bump?

-Well, no...

-Is that good etiquette?

-You've just put your hat down.

-Gentlemen don't wear hats indoors.

-I've heard that.

-I'm going to talk to you first

about princely behaviour, how to behave like a prince.

-Am I getting a horse?

-No,

health and safety wouldn't allow it. We're now going to stand correctly,

because posture is very important.

Face the audience, please.

Now, you have quite good posture, but your shoulders should be back a bit.

Lift your head up. No, no. You want to be looking above people's heads.

-When you talk to somebody, look them in the eye.

-I can't do that.

Well, try.

I can't. I've tried all my life. It just wonders off, mate.

OK, so we've got posture. I want you to maintain good posture throughout this lesson.

-Stand on your mark and turn towards me.

-Where's my mark?

-Just here. We're going to do how to shake a hand.

-OK.

As a member of the Royal Family, you've got to shake people's hands.

We should stress, if we were a "commoner", not a member of the Royal Family, then...

-BOOING That's the official term.

-Is that right?

House of Commons and all that, no-one with a title, then you don't shake their...

-You don't shake their hand!

-No, unless...

-Ugh!

"Get the wet wipes, it's a chav!"

-What do you do?

-Well, they put their hand out to you, and then you shake their hand.

So I, as the lower guy, would just go, "Hello!"

Only if the Queen or Prince William or whoever it should be puts their hand out first.

-So you be the Queen, I'll be me, in Tesco or something.

-OK.

Hey! I know you. Slam it. Cheers, babes.

What's in your basket?

-How can you eat that many crisps?

-No, Russell...

-It's just crisps. This woman's got...

-Russell...

-I've never seen so much Monster Munch in my life!

You said, "Slam it!"

That's not etiquette at all.

That's horrendous. Let's step back a bit.

Another royal duty we're going to do is waving, as there's a lot of waving. Now, wave to the audience.

Show me how you'd do it.

That's fine, the audience are waving back.

That was a little bit too ferocious. As a member...

Has anyone ever complained of that? "I've been waved at ferociously!"

That's wanking.

That's a ferocious wave!

-What's the etiquette for that?

-Remember...

Palm, eyes...

-Sorry.

-Are you left or right-handed?

-Right-handed.

Right, so dominant hand, and it's just back and forth, a gentle motion.

Dignified, nothing too wild and manic.

Audience, wave back, please, properly.

Very good.

-That's nice.

-We've got a very good audience.

OK, so, with a little bit of polish...

# We can make it through the night. #

You never know. You might. They are princesses available, Princess Beatrice and Eugenie.

We might have the wedding of Princess Beatrice and Russell Howard.

I've met her. My brother genuinely offered her Vaseline,

for, um... No, no, no!

He did it the correct way. Open, twist, move.

It was before the London Marathon and you chafe terribly.

He went, "Would you like some?" And actually, she was very...

Da, da da da.

Da da da da da da.

Lovely, well, that's one for dinner parties.

APPLAUSE

It's been lovely meeting you. I really enjoyed that.

-My pleasure.

-Let's do the handshake properly.

-Yes, very good. Posture. Don't lean.

-Let me give you one.

-OK.

-Hold it like that, and just go...

-CLICK!

-Oh!

-That's nice, isn't it?

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my mystery guest!

Next up, a story about a Good Samaritan gone wrong.

'Paying it forward for Danielle Michoud got her stuck learning a tough lesson.

'She and her husband tried to help a woman locked out of her car in this Walgreens parking lot'.

The sunroof was open about three-quarters of the way.

I was the smallest of the three of us. I offered to climb in.

I almost had it, and then I hit my ribs and I couldn't go any further.

I could not go up or down.

Basically, the poor woman got stuck in the sunroof.

A few of you are laughing. You're probably thinking

"I guess someone stopped to help her."

Oh, no. A crowd gathered...

and look what they did.

They were taking pictures. They were filming, they were laughing.

Taking pictures? Who would take a picture of someone straining through a small hole?

At that point, I grabbed my camera...

It's pretty harsh, innit, taking a photo of a trapped woman?

Mind you, sometimes when people get stuck, you have to take a photo.

"Help, I'm stuck in me cat!"

Tonight's story is beautiful.

It's about a six-year-old kid called Jack Henderson

who uses his love of art to raise money for sick children.

Today, I'm going to draw

a rainbow with two dogs.

'Jack Henderson is gifted at drawing, and he likes nothing better

'than to break out the felt tip pens and get creative.

'But he also wanted more.

'To give more, that is.

'Jack's younger brother Noah, seen here on the right, has had respiratory problems,

'and been in and out of Edinburgh's Sick Kids Hospital.

'Jack decided to raise money for the hospital, selling his drawings.

'His dad built him an online page, jackdrawsanything.com.

His parents expected a few commissions from friends and family for a few pounds. They were wrong.

We set a target of £100, and we thought it'd take a few weeks

and family and friends would all donate, and Jack would do a picture.

By about two o'clock in the afternoon, we'd already achieved over the £100 target.

We set the target again to £500 on Tuesday,

and he got through that by midnight,

and the target keeps rising and rising.

'Despite orders from around the world,

'Jack's parents say they'll soon have to stop taking commissions,

'not least because Jack remains determined to become a fireman, not a painter.'

Thanks for raising all the money for the Sick Kids. See you soon.

Ladies and gentlemen, thanks very much for watching Good News. Good night.

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