Episode 6 Russell Howard's Good News


Episode 6

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

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Thank you very much!

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Thank you very much. Thank you. Hello and welcome to Good News.

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So, what have we learnt this week?

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Well, it doesn't take much to make them laugh at Sky News.

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Bottoms!

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Blimey, have you seen what Jacqui Smith looks for in a film?

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Anal sex, double penetration, group sex...

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This is one of my favourite clips of all time.

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Check out the advice an old lady gave Ed Miliband on how to deal with the Tories.

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I know, we've got to do something about them, don't we?

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I don't think that's a good idea, but we need to get them out.

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We definitely need to get them out. Take care.

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I've watched this next clip 20 times.

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I still don't know what this man is saying.

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MUMBLING

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The award for the most emotional interview of the week has to go to this guy.

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I grew up here. I live here.

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And...I used to play football here.

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I can't believe anybody's going to close the damn thing down!

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How am I... I couldn't... Oh, shit.

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So, what got him so upset?

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War? Poverty?

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It's got you that upset?

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Oh, yeah. Are you kidding?

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It's, like, stupid.

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Why the hell...why would they shut down this library?

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Well, there's only one story dominating the news.

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Final preparations are taking place ahead of the Royal Wedding tomorrow.

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The Daily Express are trying their hardest to hype the event.

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I'm not so sure about that.

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-What do you think about the Royal Wedding?

-I'm not interested.

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-Do you have any plans for the day?

-Not interested.

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Ask me about the Royal Wedding.

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-What do you think about...?

-I don't care. I really don't care.

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-What do you think about the Royal Wedding?

-I'm bored out of my mind with it.

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Are you? There's too much coverage?

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It's ridiculous. Two young people getting married. So what?

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Isn't she great? She's literally seconds away - "Why don't you just fuck off?"

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Of all the interviews, this is probably my favourite.

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-Am I getting invited?

-I don't know, you tell me. Are you waiting for an invitation?

-No.

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I love it! "Why aren't I going?" "Do you want to go?" "No.

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"I hate the royals."

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It's a bit over the top, isn't it? When the wedding was announced,

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nobody cared. We don't care about the Royal Family.

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I don't feel connected to them.

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I could not give a shit. What, we get a day off?

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# God save our gracious Queen... #

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Let's have a street party!

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The trouble is, the parties won't be like this.

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# If you got a 50 bill Put your hands up

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# If you got a 20 bill Put your hands up... #

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They'll be like this.

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SILENCE

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Let's be honest, the last thing you want is to get drunk with your neighbours.

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All the grudges come out. It'll start off quite nice. "Hello! A jam and scone, how marvellous!"

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Nine hours later - "Why do you mow the lawn every Saturday at seven in the fucking morning?

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"And I hate your cat.

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"That's why I killed him."

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I didn't really kill a cat.

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If...if you think there's been a lot of media coverage in this country, you should see America.

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-The Royal Wedding...

-Hype is reaching fever pitch.

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-The energy is just palpable.

-The entire world will be watching...

-..Kate and Will's big day.

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They're obsessed. My favourite has to be ABC News.

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They've employed an Irish guy who just makes stuff up.

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William is a very bad surfer.

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William has one foot that's two sizes bigger than the other.

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The Queen Mother was a big fan of Jamaican ska music.

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He's just making up bollocks!

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"Camilla keeps her otter in her handbag.

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"The Queen only ever eats Monster Munch."

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One of the things that's amazed me about the wedding

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is the sheer quantity of crap memorabilia. These are all real.

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-Royal Wedding Oyster card.

-A William and Kate teapot.

-White bone china.

-A £5 coin.

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-16-inch doll.

-Sick bags.

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Party popper.

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-Garden gnomes.

-Pez dispenser.

-Place settings.

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-Nail polish.

-Pizza.

-Teabags.

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-Condoms.

-Graphic novel.

-Snacks.

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And a Royal Wedding cock ring.

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A Royal Wedding cock ring?

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Let's hope they don't use that for the service.

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"Harry!

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"What the hell is this?"

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"Lost it."

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That's not even the weirdest product. Check this out.

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I bet Harry gives some to the corgis. Wouldn't that be great? They're in the garden,

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dragging their wangs in the dirt like a furry Scalextric.

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Bit much.

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Now, I think a Viagra beer is madness. You'll have a boner, but you'll also be bursting for a piss.

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The reception toilets will look like this.

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So what else has been going on?

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Well, big political news.

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Ed Miliband is having a nose job.

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Ed Miliband is to have an operation on his nose

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to rid him of his nasal drawl.

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Sky News reporter Peter Spencer slammed him.

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There is much speculation

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about whether it is to make him sound less like a mutant.

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It's like Spencer's had a meltdown.

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"He's a mutant, you're all arseholes and Sky TV can lick my balls.

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"Back to you, Adrian, you fat wanker."

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Apparently, the reason for Miliband having the operation is because

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he wants to sound smoother and more prime-ministerial.

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Wouldn't it be funny if the surgeon was a massive Tory and he ended up sounding like this?

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To be honest, I'm not sure his voice is the problem.

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I think it's that every time you look at him, you can't help but see this.

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In religious news, the Pope's had a big weekend.

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The Pope has taken part in a televised question and answer session this afternoon. It was the first time

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a pontiff has taken questions from the members of the public,

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although they were submitted in advance on a website and then chosen by producers.

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Did you watch it? It was so boring.

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They should have got a load of kids, filled them full of Red Bull and let them ask him questions.

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"Mr Pope? If God is everywhere, does that mean He watches me when I do a poo?

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"What a weirdo!"

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"Oh, I've got one. You know Jesus, right? You know Jesus was born on Christmas Day?

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"Does he only get one set of presents?

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"One more! If God loves us, why did he make Justin Bieber?"

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"Look at me, Pope."

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If I could ask the Pope a question, it would simply be "What is going on with these dancers?"

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I've done nothing to this clip. The music and camera shots are exactly what happened.

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In Sporting News, Real Madrid won the Spanish Cup.

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Look what happened during the celebrations.

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'During the victory parade through the Spanish capital,

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'Sergio Ramos was showing off the trophy,

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'when suddenly he lost his grip.

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'The unsuspecting driver continued on, leaving the Cup stuck under the bus.'

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What an idiot!

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I mean, you can see how he dropped it.

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It's not as if it's got two massive handles.

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"What can I hold on to?"

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You've got to love Sergio Ramos. Did you see what he said on Twitter?

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He's like a five-year-old stood next to a broken window.

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"It wasn't me! It was the window monster!"

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To be honest, it's not a surprise this happened.

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Ramos is pretty clumsy.

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Look what he did to a girl at the celebration party.

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Sergio Ramos!

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Tell you what, some cracking animal stories knocking around.

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First up, a report about love.

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In a corner of Harrogate, there's an air of sadness.

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Do you know why? Isn't he beautiful?

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But Peter the peacock is all alone.

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For the last year, the homeless bird has been wandering

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from street to street, searching for a female companion.

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-AUDIENCE: Aww!

-Don't "Aw!" It's brilliant.

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A randy peacock is strutting around Yorkshire.

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"How do, ladies."

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Do you want to see how he tries to pull?

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WOMAN: He just needs somebody with him.

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He just looks for somebody and cries.

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Sometimes it's a hoot, but more than enough, it's a cry like a cat.

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God knows what her cat looks like!

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SQUAWKING

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Imagine going round her house.

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"Do you want to meet me cat?" "That's an elephant."

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"It's a cat. He's got a trunk and tusks... You're right, it is an elephant. Bloody pet shop!

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Tony, you were right.

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"Empty the bath. It's not a goldfish, it's a rhino.

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"We've been diddled."

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Despite the bird's strange squawk, he's made the local grannies swoon.

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He's displaying.

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It's spring, and he's showing his beauty.

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And it is clearly working.

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Look what he's been up to with this lady.

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All the girls say to me at work, "You look dreadful this morning."

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"Yes, I've been up with that peacock again!"

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Son of a bitch!

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She's like, "You call him peacock, I call him Thundercock. Oh!"

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Incredibly, she's not alone.

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He's really been putting it about.

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-We all love him, don't we, girls?

-Yes!

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Look at that lot! He's like the peacock Wayne Rooney.

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Have you heard the latest airline hitting the skies?

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'With competition among airlines as tough as ever,

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it seems some will go to any lengths to attract new customers,

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'even the four-legged variety.

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'Pet Airways is being launched in the US to provide

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'dedicated travel for cats and dogs.'

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That's right, there's an airline for dogs.

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Well, some of them were born to fly.

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Imagine dogs checking in.

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"Hello, sir, has anyone interfered with your bags?"

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"Yeah, a vet snipped them off when I was a puppy.

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"I thought it was just a day out, and then - fzz - they were gone."

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I'd love to see dogs in the cabin on a reclining seat.

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"This is brilliant!

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"I'm not normally allowed on here!

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"And they're showing Marley And Me."

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A pet airline is pretty ridiculous.

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Everywhere you look, animals are getting more and more pampered.

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How long before we see adverts on telly like this?

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'Here at Animal Spa, we offer a range of services.

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'A doggy pedicure,

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'marsupial massage,

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'a pig hot tub and, for those very special occasions,

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'a lemur back, sack and crack wax.'

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Have you heard about the postman in America and his rather unusual delivery?

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We're taking this very seriously, and I want to apologise to our customers.

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Don Derfler certainly got more than a 20 when he was babysitting his son

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and waiting for the mailman.

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I thought he had a bunch of packages for us.

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Oh, it wasn't packages.

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Listen to what the postman did.

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He started pulling his pants down and started...defecating.

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That's right, he did a shit on his lawn.

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That's what I call a special delivery.

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So, how did the bloke react? Did he call the police?

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I grabbed my camera and started taking pictures.

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What a filthy pervert!

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"There's a man having a poo!

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"Where's my camera?

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"Oh, that is the stuff!

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"This is going straight on scatmuncher.com."

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This guy's hilarious. Listen to his final complaint.

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This is how... they respect our property?

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That's not right.

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And it's also a biohazard.

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"That's a biohazard. He had a dirty bomb. He was trying to blow my family up with his ass."

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Back in Blighty, have you heard the latest news about William Shakespeare?

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He's getting an R'n'B overhaul.

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A hip-hop production of Shakespeare is opening in east London.

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It's written by two brothers from Chicago.

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What are they going to call it, A Midsummer Night's Drive-by?

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Much A Dizzle About Nizzle?

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Who knows? Here's the writers of the musical. What about this for a quote?

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-If Shakespeare were alive today, he'd be rapping.

-Yeah, for sure.

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Of course he would!

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Shakespeare as a rapper - I'd love to see that.

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# Hey, JLS, you can suck my dick

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In the UK, we've had loads of sun. In America, the weather was a tad more aggressive.

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Let's bring you some dramatic pictures

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we've just had in from the United States. Look at this.

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Dramatic stuff. It was in the Bowling Green, Missouri area,

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touching down at a farm, destroying a house,

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two barns, flipping over plenty of heavy equipment...

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It wasn't just houses and barns that were destroyed.

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This man suffered a tragic, tragic loss.

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'Eric Hubbard was sitting in a car eating lunch

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'when Friday's tornado came barrelling towards them.'

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It was spinning and it got big going up.

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It hit the ground, and kept coming up. I got out the car.

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I was scared.

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I was eating a hamburger, it took it...

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-It took your hamburger?

-I was enjoying it!

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"The damn tornado took my burger!"

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What I love about this guy - he's in the middle of a storm, and he's eating a burger.

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"Oh, my God, a tornado! I'm going to die!

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Oh..."

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Do you reckon he's like that in every life-threatening situation?

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"What's that, Doctor? I've got six months to live?

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"I don't mean to cry, Doctor,

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"but there's no ketchup on this burger."

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It's not been all bad news for him. Since this clip appeared on the news, he's become a celebrity.

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He lost his burger in last Friday's tornado, but found internet fame along the way.

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Eric Hubbard, aka Burger Man.

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He's now called Burger Man.

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A news crew even took him back and bought him a burger.

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Then, out of nowhere, he just started singing.

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# I was just sitting here wondering

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# All I want to do is thank God

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# For my things

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# And having me here today

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# Because that was a shame how that tornado took my burger away...

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APPLAUSE DROWNS LYRICS # ..It took it all away from me

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# Oh, oh, oh, oh, whoah, whoah!

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# And I also want to thank my friends

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# For bringing me here today

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# Cos you didn't have to do it

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# All I want to say is thank you Thank you, thank you, thank you

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# Hm, ohh

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# Hm, hm, hm. #

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This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.

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There'll be a mystery guest who's been in the news, and I have to

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figure out who that person is. Please welcome my mystery guest!

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# School's out for summer...

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Hello.

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# School's out for ever... #

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Hello.

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Hello.

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How do you do? William Hanson.

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-William Henderson?

-Hanson.

-Hanson, I apologise.

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-Don't worry.

-You weren't the fourth member of the boy band?

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-No, that's the bane of my life.

-OK, sorry.

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So I imagine it has something to do with education.

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Yes, you could say that.

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It would appear to be. It seems to be quite an old-fashioned place you work?

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-Yes, it's perceived to be.

-Right.

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Do you want to give me any other clues, other than it feels like I'll get caned at any second?

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Well...

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-Think topically. We have a very big event coming up.

-Oh, right.

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Were you William's teacher?

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-No...

-Kate's teacher?

-No, I'm far too young for that.

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Although...

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Did you once creep into their playground?

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-No, but...

-Thank God for that.

-Think about what governs their life. You're on the right lines.

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-Money.

-No.

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What governs their life? Tradition.

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Yes, we're on the right lines, think about their behaviour.

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-Do you belong to a finishing school?

-Yes.

-Ah, sweet.

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-I am Britain's youngest etiquette expert.

-Ah!

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Of course, we have the Royal Wedding tomorrow,

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and I've been in the news telling people what to do

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at the wedding and how to behave around the Royal Family.

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There you go, ladies and gentlemen.

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So how should we correctly... Shall we fist bump?

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-Well, no...

-Is that good etiquette?

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-You've just put your hat down.

-Gentlemen don't wear hats indoors.

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-I've heard that.

-I'm going to talk to you first

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about princely behaviour, how to behave like a prince.

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-Am I getting a horse?

-No,

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health and safety wouldn't allow it. We're now going to stand correctly,

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because posture is very important.

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Face the audience, please.

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Now, you have quite good posture, but your shoulders should be back a bit.

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Lift your head up. No, no. You want to be looking above people's heads.

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-When you talk to somebody, look them in the eye.

-I can't do that.

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Well, try.

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I can't. I've tried all my life. It just wonders off, mate.

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OK, so we've got posture. I want you to maintain good posture throughout this lesson.

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-Stand on your mark and turn towards me.

-Where's my mark?

0:20:520:20:55

-Just here. We're going to do how to shake a hand.

-OK.

0:20:550:20:58

As a member of the Royal Family, you've got to shake people's hands.

0:20:580:21:02

We should stress, if we were a "commoner", not a member of the Royal Family, then...

0:21:020:21:07

-BOOING That's the official term.

-Is that right?

0:21:070:21:10

House of Commons and all that, no-one with a title, then you don't shake their...

0:21:100:21:14

-You don't shake their hand!

-No, unless...

-Ugh!

0:21:140:21:18

"Get the wet wipes, it's a chav!"

0:21:180:21:21

-What do you do?

-Well, they put their hand out to you, and then you shake their hand.

0:21:240:21:30

So I, as the lower guy, would just go, "Hello!"

0:21:300:21:33

Only if the Queen or Prince William or whoever it should be puts their hand out first.

0:21:330:21:38

-So you be the Queen, I'll be me, in Tesco or something.

-OK.

0:21:380:21:42

Hey! I know you. Slam it. Cheers, babes.

0:21:420:21:46

What's in your basket?

0:21:460:21:48

-How can you eat that many crisps?

-No, Russell...

0:21:490:21:51

-It's just crisps. This woman's got...

-Russell...

-I've never seen so much Monster Munch in my life!

0:21:530:21:59

You said, "Slam it!"

0:21:590:22:02

That's not etiquette at all.

0:22:030:22:06

That's horrendous. Let's step back a bit.

0:22:060:22:10

Another royal duty we're going to do is waving, as there's a lot of waving. Now, wave to the audience.

0:22:100:22:15

Show me how you'd do it.

0:22:150:22:17

That's fine, the audience are waving back.

0:22:190:22:22

That was a little bit too ferocious. As a member...

0:22:220:22:26

Has anyone ever complained of that? "I've been waved at ferociously!"

0:22:260:22:31

That's wanking.

0:22:310:22:34

That's a ferocious wave!

0:22:340:22:37

-What's the etiquette for that?

-Remember...

0:22:370:22:40

Palm, eyes...

0:22:400:22:42

-Sorry.

-Are you left or right-handed?

-Right-handed.

0:22:470:22:50

Right, so dominant hand, and it's just back and forth, a gentle motion.

0:22:500:22:54

Dignified, nothing too wild and manic.

0:22:540:22:57

Audience, wave back, please, properly.

0:22:590:23:01

Very good.

0:23:010:23:03

-That's nice.

-We've got a very good audience.

0:23:030:23:06

OK, so, with a little bit of polish...

0:23:060:23:10

# We can make it through the night. #

0:23:100:23:12

You never know. You might. They are princesses available, Princess Beatrice and Eugenie.

0:23:120:23:17

We might have the wedding of Princess Beatrice and Russell Howard.

0:23:170:23:20

I've met her. My brother genuinely offered her Vaseline,

0:23:200:23:23

for, um... No, no, no!

0:23:230:23:25

He did it the correct way. Open, twist, move.

0:23:250:23:30

It was before the London Marathon and you chafe terribly.

0:23:300:23:33

He went, "Would you like some?" And actually, she was very...

0:23:330:23:36

Da, da da da.

0:23:360:23:39

Da da da da da da.

0:23:390:23:41

Lovely, well, that's one for dinner parties.

0:23:410:23:43

APPLAUSE

0:23:430:23:46

It's been lovely meeting you. I really enjoyed that.

0:23:500:23:53

-My pleasure.

-Let's do the handshake properly.

-Yes, very good. Posture. Don't lean.

0:23:530:23:57

-Let me give you one.

-OK.

0:23:570:23:59

-Hold it like that, and just go...

-CLICK!

0:23:590:24:01

-Oh!

-That's nice, isn't it?

0:24:010:24:03

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my mystery guest!

0:24:040:24:08

Next up, a story about a Good Samaritan gone wrong.

0:24:120:24:15

'Paying it forward for Danielle Michoud got her stuck learning a tough lesson.

0:24:150:24:20

'She and her husband tried to help a woman locked out of her car in this Walgreens parking lot'.

0:24:200:24:25

The sunroof was open about three-quarters of the way.

0:24:250:24:28

I was the smallest of the three of us. I offered to climb in.

0:24:280:24:32

I almost had it, and then I hit my ribs and I couldn't go any further.

0:24:320:24:35

I could not go up or down.

0:24:350:24:37

Basically, the poor woman got stuck in the sunroof.

0:24:370:24:41

A few of you are laughing. You're probably thinking

0:24:410:24:45

"I guess someone stopped to help her."

0:24:450:24:47

Oh, no. A crowd gathered...

0:24:470:24:49

and look what they did.

0:24:490:24:52

They were taking pictures. They were filming, they were laughing.

0:24:520:24:55

Taking pictures? Who would take a picture of someone straining through a small hole?

0:24:550:25:01

At that point, I grabbed my camera...

0:25:010:25:04

It's pretty harsh, innit, taking a photo of a trapped woman?

0:25:040:25:08

Mind you, sometimes when people get stuck, you have to take a photo.

0:25:080:25:11

"Help, I'm stuck in me cat!"

0:25:140:25:17

Tonight's story is beautiful.

0:25:250:25:26

It's about a six-year-old kid called Jack Henderson

0:25:260:25:29

who uses his love of art to raise money for sick children.

0:25:290:25:33

Today, I'm going to draw

0:25:330:25:35

a rainbow with two dogs.

0:25:350:25:37

'Jack Henderson is gifted at drawing, and he likes nothing better

0:25:380:25:43

'than to break out the felt tip pens and get creative.

0:25:430:25:46

'But he also wanted more.

0:25:460:25:49

'To give more, that is.

0:25:490:25:51

'Jack's younger brother Noah, seen here on the right, has had respiratory problems,

0:25:520:25:56

'and been in and out of Edinburgh's Sick Kids Hospital.

0:25:560:25:59

'Jack decided to raise money for the hospital, selling his drawings.

0:25:590:26:03

'His dad built him an online page, jackdrawsanything.com.

0:26:030:26:08

His parents expected a few commissions from friends and family for a few pounds. They were wrong.

0:26:080:26:14

We set a target of £100, and we thought it'd take a few weeks

0:26:140:26:18

and family and friends would all donate, and Jack would do a picture.

0:26:180:26:21

By about two o'clock in the afternoon, we'd already achieved over the £100 target.

0:26:210:26:26

We set the target again to £500 on Tuesday,

0:26:260:26:29

and he got through that by midnight,

0:26:290:26:31

and the target keeps rising and rising.

0:26:310:26:34

'Despite orders from around the world,

0:26:340:26:36

'Jack's parents say they'll soon have to stop taking commissions,

0:26:360:26:40

'not least because Jack remains determined to become a fireman, not a painter.'

0:26:400:26:44

Thanks for raising all the money for the Sick Kids. See you soon.

0:26:440:26:49

Ladies and gentlemen, thanks very much for watching Good News. Good night.

0:26:490:26:53

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0:26:580:27:01

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