Episode 5 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

Oh! Oh! Thank you very much.

Thank you very much indeed.

Hello, and welcome to Good News.

So what have we learned this week?

Well, Rob Smith can't work out if he's still a virgin.

Does a horse count? I'm not sure.

Over at BBC Breakfast, Helen Mirren revealed what she said when she met Justin Bieber.

You little shit.

Got knows what Carol Kirkwood did to Bryan Adams!

Have you ever waved at Phil Collins in traffic?

No, but I have done lot more than that to Bryan Adams.

I'm pretty sure Sian Williams doesn't know what teabagging is.

Why would you want to smell like a tea bag?

And finally, I think this guy's in love with David Cameron.

It's a system so unfair, that the candidates...

# I want to know what love is

# I want you to show me

# I want to feel what love is... #

So the royal wedding is in two weeks. The media coverage has been relentless.

The most anticipated wedding is only about three weeks away.

-Two weeks away.

-12 days to go.

7,000 journalists.

Two billion people watching...

On April 29th.

Even schools are obsessed! They have been having pretend weddings(!)

A mock wedding was held in the village of Alton, but it didn't exactly stick to royal protocol.

Instead, the bride was five years old, the groom was nine and the ring-bearer was an owl.

I think they confused Buckingham Palace with Hogwarts.

It's pretty cool, though.

Wouldn't it be great if Kate and Wills went for these vows?

I will always care for you, I will love you forever,

I promise not to boss you around.

"And I promise not to steal your Play-Doh!"

Some of the kids really got into their roles.

Here's Prince Charles - Camilla slams him!

I always dreaming every night that I'm...

that I'm going to be king the next day.

It will be a while till that happens.

How harsh is that?!

"I'm going to be King!" "Never going to happen!"

The media has gone Kate Middleton crazy - "She's beautiful,"

"She's an angel." The kids, not so sure.

I think Kate is a beautiful girl, but I don't think she's really my type.

Wouldn't it be great if he interviewed another kid who went, "Kate Middleton? God, no.

"I like girls with a bit more junk in their trunk.

"They've got to have that ba-donk-a-donk going on, do you know what I mean?

"In fact, if Beyonce is watching, tell her I'm ready for that jelly.

"I've got a spoon."

Back to the proper wedding - that was a bit sinister, wasn't it? -

back to the proper wedding, have you seen who is going?

The invitations have begun arriving on doormats.

People in Britain and abroad, including David and Victoria Beckham.

I'd love to see Beckham around the royals.

They'd have nothing in common!

Him just stood next to the Queen - "Um... Uh...

"Um..." "Um..."

"When you sing the National Anthem, do you sing, 'God save me?'"

Imagine Victoria meeting Prince Philip. "Hello, I'm Posh."

"Not here, you're not!

"I'm going to give you a new nickname.

"From now on, you're Princess Poundland!"

Mind you, Posh and Becks are going to have fun. The reception sounds amazing.

William and Kate are said to be planning to erect a nightclub

inside Buckingham Palace for a royal knees-up following the ceremony.

Please, please, let the Queen DJ, wouldn't that be amazing?

"E to the L to the I to the Z, Windsor massive, shake your booty!"

It doesn't matter what music they play, we all know this guy will get his grind on.

And it goes a little something like this...

MUSIC: "It's Like That" by RUN DMC

# ..People coming, people going People born to die

# It's like that And that's the way it is... #

The big sporting news of the week was the London Marathon.

Around 35,000 people took part in the London Marathon today.

Did you watch the coverage?

Some of the reporters were so annoying, the runners simply ignored them.

Let's see if we can get one.

This is what you do and even in things like this...

High five for the camera? High five for the camera?

No.

I think I speak for the entire nation when I say, "Ahhh!"

Do you know, a lot of people didn't have sex for a month before the race?

Joe Pasquale obviously not one of them.

It's great. I actually knocked one out last week.

Imagine the noise Pasquale makes at the point of climax -

"Eeeee!"

Dogs all over Britain, "Aahhh!"

Talking of naughty habits, did you see the signs the marathon organisers put up?

"Don't wee in people's gardens!"

My brother got in trouble for doing that last year.

The odd thing, he wasn't even in the race.

He just hates gnomes.

Back to the marathon. The media focus on the elite athletes.

Emmanuel Mutai raises his arms and smashes the course record.

I'd like to focus on the nutters who wore costumes like this.

I wonder if there is someone inside that thing pushing, or pulling.

-There is someone inside.

-I am just wondering...

I hope he doesn't leave a trail behind him, though.

"I hope he doesn't leave a trail behind"? He's not Joe Pasquale!

I watched the whole race. My favourite runner had to be this guy.

A pensioner from Hornchurch in Essex will be the oldest man taking part in this year's marathon.

He's 86, and he's brilliant. Check out his number one running tip.

I get behind a nice bottom.

You get behind...?

A nice bottom, and all the aches and pains go.

Last year it was the nicest bottom I have ever run behind.

Mind you, his plan doesn't always work.

When I got to the finish, I thought, "I must see what she looks like from the front."

It was a bloke with a beard!

"I will never run behind Noel Edmonds again!"

Now, one of the major stories of the week was this:

A pub in London is facing allegations of homophobia

after claims by a gay couple that they were thrown out for kissing.

Jonathan Williams and James Bull were asked to leave the John Snow pub

in Soho after a complaint that their behaviour was obscene.

Obscene? That's ridiculous. How can you throw people out of a pub just for kissing?

In fact, how can you run a pub in Soho and be offended by a gay kiss?

It's like being in the BNP and going, "I fucking love Lenny Henry!"

You always hear bigots going, "Gay men are wrong, it says so in the Bible!"

Yeah, but the Bible also says hedges can talk and every animal in the world can fit on a boat!

It's pathetic. Two men kissing isn't an obscene kiss. This is!

WOLF WHISTLE

Somebody wolf-whistling over there!

The brilliant thing about this story, within hours, the pub had to shut because of this protest.

Around 250 people have gathered here outside the John Snow pub

to show their support to Jonathan Williams and James Bull.

We have had no comment from the landlord of the pub this evening.

The pub itself has been shut for the night, and...

I love that conga kiss in the background.

"What, they're on telly? Right now? Whoa-oh!"

Not everyone was there to protest against homophobia. Some were just looking for a good time.

-I just came to snog people.

-You're just here to snog people?

"I don't care about the issues, I'm just horny!"

I say good on them for demonstrating against this pub,

because when the gay community protests, they do it in style.

There's been some bizarre stories this week.

First up, there is a terrifying new criminal on the block!

A Lincoln couple have received a letter from the police

threatening their unborn baby with an ASBO.

I know criminals are getting younger, but this is ridiculous.

What did his baby scan look like, this?

It's mad, isn't it? A foetus ASBO, what next?

Arresting sperm?

Police bursting into a house, "Get down!"

"Damn it, sarge, she swallowed the evidence!"

"Good girl!"

This has... Sorry about that.

This has to be my favourite quote from the story.

What was he doing, shouting at other pregnant women at a prenatal class?

Just in the bump, # Who ate all the pies?! Who ate all the pies?!

# Swollen tummies, you fat mummies You ate all the pies! #

I tell you what, if they're giving unborn babies ASBOs,

it's really going to change police line-ups.

No.

No.

That's him.

Little fucker!

Elsewhere this week, The Walking Dead has been in the news.

GUNSHOTS

So it's zombies, blood, that kind of thing.

The reason it's made the news is because of the location of one of the posters advertising the show.

Here's the poster.

And here's the business next door.

That's right.

They put it next to a funeral director's.

People are saying it's the worst billboard placement ever.

Rubbish! It's got nothing on this.

Right, on the left, a sign promoting carrot juice,

and what do they put next to it? This lady.

That is... That is certainly one way to get your five a day.

I'm sorry, but this is getting ridiculous! We have had the Hitler house...

We've had the Elvis bug...

The rock'n'roll tree...

Amazingly, the papers have done it again. This week, what have we got?

-Do you want to see it?

-AUDIENCE: YES!

You know you want to!

Incredible!

Mind you, if you look hard enough, most food looks like someone.

Some crisps look like Wookiees...

Some turnips look like singers...

And if you look hard enough,

there are even apples that look a little bit like Katie Price.

Some truly mad crime stories from America this week.

First up, a report about breaking into the wrong man's house.

An 81-year-old Korean War vet is fed up with being a victim,

so he's fighting back.

The man held off this armed robber with a frying pan.

An old man beat up a burglar with a frying pan? He's brilliant.

What about this for a quote?

..And hit him upside the face.

And the potatoes went all over him.

"I hit him upside the face. Potatoes went all over him.

"By the time I was done with him, he looked like a shepherd's pie!"

So you're probably thinking after he twatted him, that was the end. Oh, no!

He wasn't done with the robber after hitting him.

I reached back about six feet away and got this pitchfork,

then I went to work on him.

"I poked him in the groin till his dick looked like a God-damn recorder."

From a bruiser pensioner to a family under siege.

They felt like they were being held hostage in their own home

by a hard-to-believe circumstance.

The situation ended with police having to defend themselves against an unlikely criminal.

So who was this unlikely criminal?

Well, listen to the emergency call.

They were terrorised by a cat!

How does a cat hold people hostage?

I tell you what - where was this lady when you need her?

Finally in crime, a row about a haircut that went wrong.

A dispute during a haircut led to an arrest

and an unfortunate mug shot in Connecticut.

You probably doubt it was that bad. Guess again!

Now, if you think you've got a strange diet, you've got nothing on this lady.

That's what I call a "suite" tooth.

Sorry, sorry, sorry!

I had to.

Do you want to meet her? You know you do.

AUDIENCE: Yes!

My name's Adele. I'm 30 years old

and my addiction is eating couch cushions.

Apparently, she suffers from a medical condition

called "mad as fuck".

I'm no doctor but I know what I see.

Have you seen how much she's eaten?

Her guts must look like DFS.

And she'd be crap on Come Dine With Me. "What are we having?"

"Roast futons."

"I'm a vegetarian."

"Well, have a fucking beanbag, then."

She loves it, though. Listen to her describe the taste of sofas.

I love couch cushions.

The way it sits in my mouth. It's soft, it's a good taste.

She must spend ages flushing.

Ah, come on. If you're eating sponge, then every turd is going to be a floater!

This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.

There'll be a mystery guest who's been in the news. I have to figure out who it is.

So far this series I've had snakes, poo perfume and a kung fu granny.

So please welcome my mystery guest.

-Welcome.

-Hello. I'm guessing your name's Jackie.

-That's me. Big Jackie.

-Big Jackie. Am I allowed to call you Big Jackie?

-Yes, that's my name.

Sweet. Lovely stuff.

So, Big Jackie...

If I close my eyes it sounds like I'm on a chat line.

-"Hello, is that Big Jackie?"

-"666, 5595."

Mum, are you on the line?

So, Jackie, I'm guessing this has got something to do with, um...

tiaras and hats. Are you, er... Do you design hats?

-Well, I do sell hair fascinators, but that's not why I'm here.

-Right.

Flipping hell, this is an absolute conundrum.

Um, I don't know. I've got no idea.

Um... Can you give me any other clues?

-Well, I'll just have to reveal myself.

-Right.

Ooh, let's get it off.

AUDIENCE SQUEAL

I think we can all figure out what's going to happen now. I'm going to get beaten up again.

-That's the long and short of it.

-I just happen to be Britain's number-one sumo.

-The first lady to fight in Japan.

-Oh, wow.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Congratulations.

-What we're going to do...

-Is kick the shit out of me.

I'm just going to show you a few moves, right?

And just what it's like in the ring.

We've got a ring for you and a nappy.

-Have you got a nappy?

-But before that, we're just going to show a few clips.

-OK. Great.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come here.

I'm going to show you some moves.

-OK.

-Don't be frightened.

-I'm not frightened.

-Some training moves first.

-OK.

Sliding feet.

-Now you.

-OK.

And now I'm going to show you how to enter the ring first.

So just step into the ring and bow.

All right. I step into the ring.

-OK.

-Bow.

-OK.

Let's get down on tiptoes now. We're washing the hands.

It's purification.

-LOUDLY:

-Clapping the hands

to get the attention of the gods and show we've got no weapons.

The lucky thing is, if I shit myself, I'm wearing a nappy.

Then we come in together, for an eyeball.

-Good luck with that. I've got a lazy eye.

-Yeah?

-Yeah, I look...

I could be there. I've no idea.

-And a bit of slapping on the belt. Ha!

-Aargh!

To frighten your opponent.

Aargh!

-That'll do.

-Yeah.

Now, the rules are, we've got to get our hands down, fists down,

-on the floor, and no-one can start until we've our hands down.

-OK.

Into this position here.

-Get your hands down.

-I'm going. I'm waiting.

-We can't start till the hands touch.

-That's right, we can't, no.

I'm ready, I'm ready!

And then someone's going to shout "hakkeyoi".

-Hakkeyoi. >

-Aargh!

-I'm going to show you some moves.

-OK.

-Right.

We got some lifts that you could do.

-We could just lift you out...

-Ah!

-..and take you out.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Or...there's a knee lift.

-There's a knee lift?

-A knee lift.

Could take you out like that.

That felt so lovely. It was so...

I'm not feeling very well.

It's just nice to be held

and just love me. Has anyone ever broken down and gone, "I love you"?

"Why do we have to fight? Can we not cuddle"?

Just sit down. Just sit down.

-I don't want to be a sumo wrestler!

-Sit down.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, you poor thing!

I'll just pull you round.

You'll be all right.

Ooh! Stop it!

Oh, stop it! You naughty boy!

Oh, stop it!

-I've got cramp!

-So have I.

AUDIENCE HECKLE AND CHEER

Oh, thank you, darling.

-There you go. I enjoyed that.

-Did you?

Somebody get me a cigarette.

That was nice.

You left me there for longer than you had to.

But you're such a nice boy.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, how... You know. How do you start all this?

Well, I've progressed, really.

I was a weightlifter and a power lifter,

and then one day, a man came up to me in the gym and he said,

"You look a big girl."

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

"Do you fancy being a sumo wrestler?"

I mean, obviously, I didn't know it was made...

..literally of cardboard boxes.

-Well, there you go.

-Literally a cardboard box.

-Please give it up for my wonderful mystery guest.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Look at the latest thing the Chinese government have banned.

Just when you thought the Chinese censors couldn't get more sensitive,

the authorities here have decided to ban time travel

from all television programmes.

Their version of Doctor Who is going to be shit.

"Let's get the Daleks."

"I can't - someone's clamped the TARDIS."

Look at the films they've banned.

And bizarrely....

I love the fact that Austin Powers is going to become this dangerous underground film. People in prison -

"What are you in for?"

"I said, 'Groovy, baby.' "

So, why are China doing this?

Madness! It'd be great to re-write history.

If I could travel back in time, I would prevent the world's greatest evil.

Mr and Mrs Bieber.

-Yeah?

-For the sake of humanity,

use this condom.

-We don't want you having a baby.

-BOTH:

-Baby?

-Baby.

Oh...

Check out the disturbing new way some teenagers are getting drunk.

Some women are soaking tampons in vodka,

inserting them into their vaginas for a quick high on alcohol.

I hope they don't do a flaming sambuca.

Unbelievably, this isn't the weirdest new drinking game.

This next story is even more bizarre.

I had never heard of it until recently.

Beer bongs.

Children, kids, are doing this into their anuses. Literally.

A beer bong up your arse?

That would change the adverts.

Fosters...bad call.

What I want to know, how do you know you're drunk?

Does your arse start slurring its farts?

Pfft.

Fla-ha-ha!

I'd hate to have a drunk arse. It'd be horrible.

You're walking down the street and it's just shouting at girls - "Oi-oi!"

"You don't get many of them to the pound!"

"I'm terribly sorry, madam.

"I have a binge-drinking anus."

She's like, "Don't worry about it, love, I've had five tampons".

Here's a young man who's found a unique way of helping kids in need.

My name is Blake Mycoskie.

I'm the founder and chief shoe giver of Toms Shoes.

Toms originally started about five years ago when I was on a vacation

and I met some volunteers who were helping children get shoes.

I wanted to help but I didn't want to help just once,

by writing a cheque or making a donation.

Instead, I wanted to create a way to help over and over again.

So instead of creating a charity, I started a business - a for-profit company -

where every time we'd sell a pair of shoes, we'd give a pair to a child in need around the world,

one for one. So no percentages, no formula, just very simple.

You buy a pair of our shoes, we'll give a pair on your behalf

to a child somewhere that needs a pair.

Seeing the joy on these kids' faces really touched me.

That child will never care about the number of shoes we've given away

or the success Toms has had.

All they care about is that they're getting a brand-new pair of shoes in a loving way.

That is such an awesome experience.

I had an idea, and it was a small idea when we started.

Anyone can make a difference.

You don't have to have it be some huge global campaign.

You can start small, and that's just as important.

There you go.

What a wonderful human being.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for watching Good News.

Goodnight!

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