Episode 5 Russell Howard's Good News


Episode 5

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

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Oh! Oh! Thank you very much.

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Thank you very much indeed.

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Hello, and welcome to Good News.

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So what have we learned this week?

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Well, Rob Smith can't work out if he's still a virgin.

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Does a horse count? I'm not sure.

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Over at BBC Breakfast, Helen Mirren revealed what she said when she met Justin Bieber.

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You little shit.

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Got knows what Carol Kirkwood did to Bryan Adams!

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Have you ever waved at Phil Collins in traffic?

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No, but I have done lot more than that to Bryan Adams.

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I'm pretty sure Sian Williams doesn't know what teabagging is.

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Why would you want to smell like a tea bag?

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And finally, I think this guy's in love with David Cameron.

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It's a system so unfair, that the candidates...

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# I want to know what love is

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# I want you to show me

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# I want to feel what love is... #

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So the royal wedding is in two weeks. The media coverage has been relentless.

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The most anticipated wedding is only about three weeks away.

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-Two weeks away.

-12 days to go.

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7,000 journalists.

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Two billion people watching...

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On April 29th.

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Even schools are obsessed! They have been having pretend weddings(!)

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A mock wedding was held in the village of Alton, but it didn't exactly stick to royal protocol.

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Instead, the bride was five years old, the groom was nine and the ring-bearer was an owl.

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I think they confused Buckingham Palace with Hogwarts.

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It's pretty cool, though.

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Wouldn't it be great if Kate and Wills went for these vows?

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I will always care for you, I will love you forever,

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I promise not to boss you around.

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"And I promise not to steal your Play-Doh!"

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Some of the kids really got into their roles.

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Here's Prince Charles - Camilla slams him!

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I always dreaming every night that I'm...

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that I'm going to be king the next day.

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It will be a while till that happens.

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How harsh is that?!

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"I'm going to be King!" "Never going to happen!"

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The media has gone Kate Middleton crazy - "She's beautiful,"

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"She's an angel." The kids, not so sure.

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I think Kate is a beautiful girl, but I don't think she's really my type.

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Wouldn't it be great if he interviewed another kid who went, "Kate Middleton? God, no.

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"I like girls with a bit more junk in their trunk.

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"They've got to have that ba-donk-a-donk going on, do you know what I mean?

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"In fact, if Beyonce is watching, tell her I'm ready for that jelly.

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"I've got a spoon."

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Back to the proper wedding - that was a bit sinister, wasn't it? -

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back to the proper wedding, have you seen who is going?

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The invitations have begun arriving on doormats.

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People in Britain and abroad, including David and Victoria Beckham.

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I'd love to see Beckham around the royals.

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They'd have nothing in common!

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Him just stood next to the Queen - "Um... Uh...

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"Um..." "Um..."

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"When you sing the National Anthem, do you sing, 'God save me?'"

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Imagine Victoria meeting Prince Philip. "Hello, I'm Posh."

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"Not here, you're not!

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"I'm going to give you a new nickname.

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"From now on, you're Princess Poundland!"

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Mind you, Posh and Becks are going to have fun. The reception sounds amazing.

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William and Kate are said to be planning to erect a nightclub

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inside Buckingham Palace for a royal knees-up following the ceremony.

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Please, please, let the Queen DJ, wouldn't that be amazing?

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"E to the L to the I to the Z, Windsor massive, shake your booty!"

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It doesn't matter what music they play, we all know this guy will get his grind on.

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And it goes a little something like this...

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MUSIC: "It's Like That" by RUN DMC

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# ..People coming, people going People born to die

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# It's like that And that's the way it is... #

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The big sporting news of the week was the London Marathon.

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Around 35,000 people took part in the London Marathon today.

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Did you watch the coverage?

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Some of the reporters were so annoying, the runners simply ignored them.

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Let's see if we can get one.

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This is what you do and even in things like this...

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High five for the camera? High five for the camera?

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No.

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I think I speak for the entire nation when I say, "Ahhh!"

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Do you know, a lot of people didn't have sex for a month before the race?

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Joe Pasquale obviously not one of them.

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It's great. I actually knocked one out last week.

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Imagine the noise Pasquale makes at the point of climax -

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"Eeeee!"

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Dogs all over Britain, "Aahhh!"

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Talking of naughty habits, did you see the signs the marathon organisers put up?

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"Don't wee in people's gardens!"

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My brother got in trouble for doing that last year.

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The odd thing, he wasn't even in the race.

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He just hates gnomes.

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Back to the marathon. The media focus on the elite athletes.

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Emmanuel Mutai raises his arms and smashes the course record.

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I'd like to focus on the nutters who wore costumes like this.

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I wonder if there is someone inside that thing pushing, or pulling.

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-There is someone inside.

-I am just wondering...

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I hope he doesn't leave a trail behind him, though.

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"I hope he doesn't leave a trail behind"? He's not Joe Pasquale!

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I watched the whole race. My favourite runner had to be this guy.

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A pensioner from Hornchurch in Essex will be the oldest man taking part in this year's marathon.

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He's 86, and he's brilliant. Check out his number one running tip.

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I get behind a nice bottom.

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You get behind...?

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A nice bottom, and all the aches and pains go.

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Last year it was the nicest bottom I have ever run behind.

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Mind you, his plan doesn't always work.

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When I got to the finish, I thought, "I must see what she looks like from the front."

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It was a bloke with a beard!

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"I will never run behind Noel Edmonds again!"

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Now, one of the major stories of the week was this:

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A pub in London is facing allegations of homophobia

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after claims by a gay couple that they were thrown out for kissing.

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Jonathan Williams and James Bull were asked to leave the John Snow pub

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in Soho after a complaint that their behaviour was obscene.

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Obscene? That's ridiculous. How can you throw people out of a pub just for kissing?

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In fact, how can you run a pub in Soho and be offended by a gay kiss?

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It's like being in the BNP and going, "I fucking love Lenny Henry!"

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You always hear bigots going, "Gay men are wrong, it says so in the Bible!"

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Yeah, but the Bible also says hedges can talk and every animal in the world can fit on a boat!

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It's pathetic. Two men kissing isn't an obscene kiss. This is!

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WOLF WHISTLE

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Somebody wolf-whistling over there!

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The brilliant thing about this story, within hours, the pub had to shut because of this protest.

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Around 250 people have gathered here outside the John Snow pub

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to show their support to Jonathan Williams and James Bull.

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We have had no comment from the landlord of the pub this evening.

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The pub itself has been shut for the night, and...

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I love that conga kiss in the background.

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"What, they're on telly? Right now? Whoa-oh!"

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Not everyone was there to protest against homophobia. Some were just looking for a good time.

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-I just came to snog people.

-You're just here to snog people?

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"I don't care about the issues, I'm just horny!"

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I say good on them for demonstrating against this pub,

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because when the gay community protests, they do it in style.

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There's been some bizarre stories this week.

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First up, there is a terrifying new criminal on the block!

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A Lincoln couple have received a letter from the police

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threatening their unborn baby with an ASBO.

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I know criminals are getting younger, but this is ridiculous.

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What did his baby scan look like, this?

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It's mad, isn't it? A foetus ASBO, what next?

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Arresting sperm?

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Police bursting into a house, "Get down!"

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"Damn it, sarge, she swallowed the evidence!"

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"Good girl!"

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This has... Sorry about that.

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This has to be my favourite quote from the story.

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What was he doing, shouting at other pregnant women at a prenatal class?

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Just in the bump, # Who ate all the pies?! Who ate all the pies?!

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# Swollen tummies, you fat mummies You ate all the pies! #

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I tell you what, if they're giving unborn babies ASBOs,

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it's really going to change police line-ups.

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No.

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No.

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That's him.

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Little fucker!

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Elsewhere this week, The Walking Dead has been in the news.

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GUNSHOTS

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So it's zombies, blood, that kind of thing.

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The reason it's made the news is because of the location of one of the posters advertising the show.

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Here's the poster.

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And here's the business next door.

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That's right.

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They put it next to a funeral director's.

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People are saying it's the worst billboard placement ever.

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Rubbish! It's got nothing on this.

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Right, on the left, a sign promoting carrot juice,

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and what do they put next to it? This lady.

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That is... That is certainly one way to get your five a day.

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I'm sorry, but this is getting ridiculous! We have had the Hitler house...

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We've had the Elvis bug...

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The rock'n'roll tree...

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Amazingly, the papers have done it again. This week, what have we got?

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-Do you want to see it?

-AUDIENCE: YES!

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You know you want to!

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Incredible!

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Mind you, if you look hard enough, most food looks like someone.

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Some crisps look like Wookiees...

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Some turnips look like singers...

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And if you look hard enough,

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there are even apples that look a little bit like Katie Price.

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Some truly mad crime stories from America this week.

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First up, a report about breaking into the wrong man's house.

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An 81-year-old Korean War vet is fed up with being a victim,

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so he's fighting back.

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The man held off this armed robber with a frying pan.

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An old man beat up a burglar with a frying pan? He's brilliant.

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What about this for a quote?

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..And hit him upside the face.

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And the potatoes went all over him.

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"I hit him upside the face. Potatoes went all over him.

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"By the time I was done with him, he looked like a shepherd's pie!"

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So you're probably thinking after he twatted him, that was the end. Oh, no!

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He wasn't done with the robber after hitting him.

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I reached back about six feet away and got this pitchfork,

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then I went to work on him.

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"I poked him in the groin till his dick looked like a God-damn recorder."

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From a bruiser pensioner to a family under siege.

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They felt like they were being held hostage in their own home

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by a hard-to-believe circumstance.

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The situation ended with police having to defend themselves against an unlikely criminal.

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So who was this unlikely criminal?

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Well, listen to the emergency call.

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They were terrorised by a cat!

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How does a cat hold people hostage?

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I tell you what - where was this lady when you need her?

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Finally in crime, a row about a haircut that went wrong.

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A dispute during a haircut led to an arrest

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and an unfortunate mug shot in Connecticut.

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You probably doubt it was that bad. Guess again!

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Now, if you think you've got a strange diet, you've got nothing on this lady.

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That's what I call a "suite" tooth.

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Sorry, sorry, sorry!

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I had to.

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Do you want to meet her? You know you do.

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AUDIENCE: Yes!

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My name's Adele. I'm 30 years old

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and my addiction is eating couch cushions.

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Apparently, she suffers from a medical condition

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called "mad as fuck".

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I'm no doctor but I know what I see.

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Have you seen how much she's eaten?

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Her guts must look like DFS.

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And she'd be crap on Come Dine With Me. "What are we having?"

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"Roast futons."

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"I'm a vegetarian."

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"Well, have a fucking beanbag, then."

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She loves it, though. Listen to her describe the taste of sofas.

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I love couch cushions.

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The way it sits in my mouth. It's soft, it's a good taste.

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She must spend ages flushing.

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Ah, come on. If you're eating sponge, then every turd is going to be a floater!

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This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.

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There'll be a mystery guest who's been in the news. I have to figure out who it is.

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So far this series I've had snakes, poo perfume and a kung fu granny.

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So please welcome my mystery guest.

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-Welcome.

-Hello. I'm guessing your name's Jackie.

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-That's me. Big Jackie.

-Big Jackie. Am I allowed to call you Big Jackie?

-Yes, that's my name.

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Sweet. Lovely stuff.

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So, Big Jackie...

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If I close my eyes it sounds like I'm on a chat line.

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-"Hello, is that Big Jackie?"

-"666, 5595."

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Mum, are you on the line?

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So, Jackie, I'm guessing this has got something to do with, um...

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tiaras and hats. Are you, er... Do you design hats?

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-Well, I do sell hair fascinators, but that's not why I'm here.

-Right.

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Flipping hell, this is an absolute conundrum.

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Um, I don't know. I've got no idea.

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Um... Can you give me any other clues?

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-Well, I'll just have to reveal myself.

-Right.

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Ooh, let's get it off.

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AUDIENCE SQUEAL

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I think we can all figure out what's going to happen now. I'm going to get beaten up again.

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-That's the long and short of it.

-I just happen to be Britain's number-one sumo.

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-The first lady to fight in Japan.

-Oh, wow.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-Congratulations.

-What we're going to do...

-Is kick the shit out of me.

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I'm just going to show you a few moves, right?

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And just what it's like in the ring.

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We've got a ring for you and a nappy.

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-Have you got a nappy?

-But before that, we're just going to show a few clips.

-OK. Great.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Come here.

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I'm going to show you some moves.

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-OK.

-Don't be frightened.

-I'm not frightened.

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-Some training moves first.

-OK.

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Sliding feet.

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-Now you.

-OK.

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And now I'm going to show you how to enter the ring first.

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So just step into the ring and bow.

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All right. I step into the ring.

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-OK.

-Bow.

-OK.

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Let's get down on tiptoes now. We're washing the hands.

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It's purification.

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-LOUDLY:

-Clapping the hands

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to get the attention of the gods and show we've got no weapons.

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The lucky thing is, if I shit myself, I'm wearing a nappy.

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Then we come in together, for an eyeball.

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-Good luck with that. I've got a lazy eye.

-Yeah?

-Yeah, I look...

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I could be there. I've no idea.

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-And a bit of slapping on the belt. Ha!

-Aargh!

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To frighten your opponent.

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Aargh!

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-That'll do.

-Yeah.

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Now, the rules are, we've got to get our hands down, fists down,

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-on the floor, and no-one can start until we've our hands down.

-OK.

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Into this position here.

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-Get your hands down.

-I'm going. I'm waiting.

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-We can't start till the hands touch.

-That's right, we can't, no.

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I'm ready, I'm ready!

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And then someone's going to shout "hakkeyoi".

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-Hakkeyoi. >

-Aargh!

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-I'm going to show you some moves.

-OK.

-Right.

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We got some lifts that you could do.

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-We could just lift you out...

-Ah!

-..and take you out.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-Or...there's a knee lift.

-There's a knee lift?

-A knee lift.

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Could take you out like that.

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That felt so lovely. It was so...

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I'm not feeling very well.

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It's just nice to be held

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and just love me. Has anyone ever broken down and gone, "I love you"?

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"Why do we have to fight? Can we not cuddle"?

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Just sit down. Just sit down.

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-I don't want to be a sumo wrestler!

-Sit down.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Oh, you poor thing!

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I'll just pull you round.

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You'll be all right.

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Ooh! Stop it!

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Oh, stop it! You naughty boy!

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Oh, stop it!

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-I've got cramp!

-So have I.

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AUDIENCE HECKLE AND CHEER

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Oh, thank you, darling.

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-There you go. I enjoyed that.

-Did you?

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Somebody get me a cigarette.

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That was nice.

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You left me there for longer than you had to.

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But you're such a nice boy.

0:22:440:22:46

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:22:480:22:50

So, how... You know. How do you start all this?

0:22:550:22:57

Well, I've progressed, really.

0:22:570:22:59

I was a weightlifter and a power lifter,

0:22:590:23:03

and then one day, a man came up to me in the gym and he said,

0:23:030:23:06

"You look a big girl."

0:23:060:23:08

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:23:100:23:12

"Do you fancy being a sumo wrestler?"

0:23:150:23:19

I mean, obviously, I didn't know it was made...

0:23:220:23:24

..literally of cardboard boxes.

0:23:260:23:28

-Well, there you go.

-Literally a cardboard box.

0:23:290:23:32

-Please give it up for my wonderful mystery guest.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:23:320:23:36

Look at the latest thing the Chinese government have banned.

0:23:440:23:47

Just when you thought the Chinese censors couldn't get more sensitive,

0:23:470:23:51

the authorities here have decided to ban time travel

0:23:510:23:55

from all television programmes.

0:23:550:23:57

Their version of Doctor Who is going to be shit.

0:23:580:24:01

"Let's get the Daleks."

0:24:030:24:04

"I can't - someone's clamped the TARDIS."

0:24:040:24:07

Look at the films they've banned.

0:24:090:24:12

And bizarrely....

0:24:160:24:18

I love the fact that Austin Powers is going to become this dangerous underground film. People in prison -

0:24:200:24:26

"What are you in for?"

0:24:260:24:28

"I said, 'Groovy, baby.' "

0:24:280:24:31

So, why are China doing this?

0:24:310:24:33

Madness! It'd be great to re-write history.

0:24:410:24:44

If I could travel back in time, I would prevent the world's greatest evil.

0:24:440:24:49

Mr and Mrs Bieber.

0:24:540:24:56

-Yeah?

-For the sake of humanity,

0:24:560:24:58

use this condom.

0:24:580:25:02

-We don't want you having a baby.

-BOTH:

-Baby?

-Baby.

0:25:050:25:08

Oh...

0:25:080:25:10

Check out the disturbing new way some teenagers are getting drunk.

0:25:120:25:16

Some women are soaking tampons in vodka,

0:25:160:25:19

inserting them into their vaginas for a quick high on alcohol.

0:25:190:25:23

I hope they don't do a flaming sambuca.

0:25:270:25:30

Unbelievably, this isn't the weirdest new drinking game.

0:25:320:25:35

This next story is even more bizarre.

0:25:350:25:37

I had never heard of it until recently.

0:25:370:25:41

Beer bongs.

0:25:410:25:42

Children, kids, are doing this into their anuses. Literally.

0:25:430:25:48

A beer bong up your arse?

0:25:490:25:52

That would change the adverts.

0:25:520:25:54

Fosters...bad call.

0:25:540:25:57

What I want to know, how do you know you're drunk?

0:25:570:26:01

Does your arse start slurring its farts?

0:26:010:26:03

Pfft.

0:26:030:26:05

Fla-ha-ha!

0:26:050:26:08

I'd hate to have a drunk arse. It'd be horrible.

0:26:080:26:11

You're walking down the street and it's just shouting at girls - "Oi-oi!"

0:26:110:26:15

"You don't get many of them to the pound!"

0:26:150:26:18

"I'm terribly sorry, madam.

0:26:180:26:19

"I have a binge-drinking anus."

0:26:190:26:23

She's like, "Don't worry about it, love, I've had five tampons".

0:26:230:26:26

Here's a young man who's found a unique way of helping kids in need.

0:26:320:26:36

My name is Blake Mycoskie.

0:26:510:26:53

I'm the founder and chief shoe giver of Toms Shoes.

0:26:530:26:57

Toms originally started about five years ago when I was on a vacation

0:26:570:27:01

and I met some volunteers who were helping children get shoes.

0:27:010:27:04

I wanted to help but I didn't want to help just once,

0:27:040:27:08

by writing a cheque or making a donation.

0:27:080:27:10

Instead, I wanted to create a way to help over and over again.

0:27:100:27:13

So instead of creating a charity, I started a business - a for-profit company -

0:27:130:27:18

where every time we'd sell a pair of shoes, we'd give a pair to a child in need around the world,

0:27:180:27:23

one for one. So no percentages, no formula, just very simple.

0:27:230:27:27

You buy a pair of our shoes, we'll give a pair on your behalf

0:27:270:27:29

to a child somewhere that needs a pair.

0:27:290:27:32

Seeing the joy on these kids' faces really touched me.

0:27:320:27:35

That child will never care about the number of shoes we've given away

0:27:350:27:40

or the success Toms has had.

0:27:400:27:42

All they care about is that they're getting a brand-new pair of shoes in a loving way.

0:27:420:27:47

That is such an awesome experience.

0:27:470:27:50

I had an idea, and it was a small idea when we started.

0:27:500:27:55

Anyone can make a difference.

0:27:550:27:56

You don't have to have it be some huge global campaign.

0:27:560:28:00

You can start small, and that's just as important.

0:28:000:28:03

There you go.

0:28:030:28:04

What a wonderful human being.

0:28:080:28:09

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for watching Good News.

0:28:090:28:12

Goodnight!

0:28:120:28:14

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