Episode 4 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language

This programme contains adult humour

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello!

Thanks very much. Hello and welcome to Good News.

What have we learned this week?

Is it me or has Jon Snow's interview technique become a bit harsh?

You can only score in a brothel.

LAUGHTER

Could be worse. Look what David Cameron did to this guy.

Unfortunately Mr Cameron decided to start at the bottom and work up.

LAUGHTER

Did anyone else see the bloke in Parliament who got so bored

he started a thumb war with himself?

And the Government will discuss the elements of the programme,

such as upcoming programmes for jobs initiatives.

And finally, big news at the BBC. Bill and Sian

have brought out a sex tape.

-Very murky.

-Saucy it is as well.

-Scenes from the very beginning.

-Yes, very adult. Time now though for...

The big media story this week was the News Of The World phone-hacking scandal.

News International today admitted its paper The News Of The World

was responsible for hacking the phones of a number of celebrities and public figures.

Did you see whose phones they were hacking?

News International has offered to pay damages to those who are currently suing the paper.

They include the actress Sienna Miller and football commentator Andy Gray.

Andy Gray! Apparently his phone was really tough to hack

because Richard Keys kept smashing it.

LAUGHTER

The media have concentrated on Sienna Miller and Andy Gray.

I'll be honest, the one that really caught my eye was this.

Christ! Imagine listening to this man's phone.

LAUGHTER

You wouldn't be able to tell what was real and what was drunken gibberish.

"Me and the Queen are getting married!"

Are you, Gazza?

"I've invented a time machine that runs on Pringles!"

Of course you have!

"I'm going to give a murderer a sandwich!"

Yeah, whatever, Gazza! I'm not an idiot!

What I don't understand - surely if you're going to

hack anyone's phone it would be this one.

LAUGHTER

Wouldn't that be great? Wouldn't you love to hear him ringing up Cameron?

"Dave, just went to Buckingham Palace last night.

"You were right. The back of the Queen's head doesn't taste like a stamp."

LAUGHTER

The scandal has upset a lot of people. To be honest I wasn't that fussed.

I've actually been tapping some celebrities myself.

There's a better way of putting that!

LAUGHTER

No.

Hacking celebrities.

Check 'em out, though. It makes for a fascinating listen.

Victoria, it's David. Can you come home immediately?

There's a strange man in the house.

Sorry. It's a mirror.

Forget I called.

SOBS

So unfair!

Why does everyone hate me?!

# Lonely

# So lonely... #

I tell you what - it's a right ball-ache keeping this act up!

I hate dancing!

I love football and minge!

I must admit, when I read about this phone-hacking, I did think,

"I hope they don't get me."

They'd have to read my brother's texts.

I got one the other day that said,

"What does a man with a 10ft cock have for breakfast?

"This morning, I had Coco Pops!"

He's relentless!

Today, he sent me a picture message that said,

"I've bought the wrong condoms. These are too small."

In other news, David Cameron has been on holiday.

When you're the leader of the country, you can expect a few perks

here and there, but when David Cameron took his wife on a trip

to Southern Spain, he decided to fly Ryanair.

They flew Ryanair?!

I'd love to have seen that.

"Don't fall asleep, Samantha. The orange lady will take our stuff!"

"She's an air hostess."

"Ah!"

If you worked at security,

you'd definitely make him do a cavity search.

"What are you looking for?!"

"Nick Clegg!

"Now bend over."

The great thing is, he won't be able to complain.

Budget airlines really don't give a shit.

The customer services department, there's just blokes

on a phone going, "Hello, customer services.

"Go fuck yourself!

"Hi, customer services. Go fuck yourself.

"Hello, customer services. Ya. Ya. Right, yeah.

"Yeah.

"Go fuck yourself!"

APPLAUSE

Sometimes I truly love the news in this country.

Have a look at the major crime wave that swept through Norwich.

Donkeys at a sanctuary in Norwich

have had more reason than usual to be downhearted.

Their favourite toys were recently stolen.

Forget the recession! Someone's stolen a toy from a donkey!

It gets even better. Check out what their favourite toys are.

What kind of man would steal a space hopper from a donkey?

Why are the donkeys playing with space hoppers?

Surely they prefer Buckaroo.

"Reminds me of grandad!

"I miss him so much."

The reason I love this story is the way they've reported it.

Listen to the music they play.

They make it sound like the donkeys are heartbroken.

MUSIC: "Moonlight Sonata" by Beethoven

We're all sad. George is sad and Lucky Donkey is sad.

They have other toys, Wellington boots.

Hula hoops. Flat footballs they like.

All ponies and donkeys need something to play with.

They get bored.

Aw!

I'm surprised they didn't show footage of donkeys self-harming.

Just Eeyore in a bath dropping a toaster.

"Life is poo!"

To be honest, it's little wonder they're upset.

Check their owner's hat.

LAUGHTER DROWNS HER VOICE

"Why has she got our dead brother on her head?!"

This story keeps on giving.

Suddenly, form nowhere, a journalist turns up with a space hopper.

Check out the donkeys' reaction.

Here you go, boys! Here you go!

# Oh, happy day! #

Come on, Lucky! Don't be afraid.

Try as we might, they weren't playing ball.

Cos they're donkeys!

"Hey, Mr Donkey, play with a space hopper."

"Sod off, you crazy cow!

"I haven't even got thumbs!"

I love how angry she gets when they won't play.

They're not vaguely interested.

That cost us £13.

"£13! Ungrateful bastards.

"Hello, is that the Norwich Kebab House?

"Yeah, I'm bringing in a delivery."

LAUGHTER

Good laugh, madam!

"Ha ha ha ha!"

Sweet.

You sound like a randy auntie. You're very welcome.

Sorry. Right...yeah. Sorry.

The mad stories keep coming.

Next we're off to a hotel in Bedford

having trouble with a naughty chair.

I don't know whether you're superstitious,

but staff at a hotel in Bedfordshire certainly are.

They're avoiding a particular chair because seven of their colleagues

who all used it have fallen pregnant within 18 months.

A chair that makes you pregnant.

I'm no expert - I think they're sitting on it wrong.

Look how scared this reporter gets around the chair.

You don't think I'd really sit on it, do you? It's through there.

I love the fact that that chair is getting the blame.

I could understand it if the chair looked like this.

But not only are they blaming the blue chair,

the manager of the hotel has got big plans for it.

What are you going to do with the chair

now you think it's special?

What we may do is mount it in the hotel

so people can pay homage.

Mount the chair?

Surely that was the problem in the first place!

I'll tell you what, though.

If that chair really is responsible,

I'd hate to be in the maternity ward.

Aagggh!

BABY CRIES

How could you?!

What the fuck is that?!

Now, you may remember last week we had the bug that looked like Elvis.

CHEERING

The week before, we had the Hitler house.

LOUDER CHEERING

Incredibly, the papers have come up with another.

This week it's -

Do you want to see it? You know you want to.

It's brilliant, isn't it?

We shouldn't be surprised. If you look hard enough,

most trees look like someone. Some look like politicians.

Some look like film stars.

And if you look hard enough, you can even find trees

that look like Katie Price.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Over in America, check out the latest way to get closer to God.

They love Jesus and they're not afraid to show it

in a very interesting way.

These church-going women are embracing the dance moves

once reserved for strip clubs.

It's called Pole Fitness For Jesus.

Pole Fitness For Jesus?

No wonder he rose again!

-APPLAUSE

-Thanks very much. Thanks very much.

To be honest, lap dancing would make a lot more people go to church.

"We are gathered here today to worship our Lord and saviour.

"Before that, Crystal is going to dry-hump a pole."

The work-out is set to Christian music, and class-goers say

it brings them closer to God.

Brings them closer to God?

It makes it sound like he's in heaven going, "Work that ass, baby.

"That's why I made it that way."

In fairness, they're not the first people touched by Our Lord.

-What's happening right now?

-Right now...

A hand - is it burning or is it just a hand?

Just feel it.

Do you think it's Jesus?

Yeah.

Boom ba!

Finish it, Lord!

Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!

Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!

"Oh! Thanks, Jesus. That's what I call a second coming!"

Over in the Czech Republic there's been an exciting

archaeological discovery.

Archaeologists in the Czech Republic claim they have discovered

what might just be the world's first known gay caveman.

Or, as the Sun delicately put it...

A gay caveman! What next, a lesbian dinosaur? "Behold, the lickasaurus!"

"Oooooh! I love KD Lang."

Wouldn't it be great if they discovered the gay caveman on Time Team?

"Look, Tony, these guys were buried fighting."

"That's no fight."

The best thing about this story, he wasn't alone.

He was actually buried with three of his mates.

MUSIC: "YMCA" by The Village People

Next, over to the wonderful country that is Australia.

Last week I showed you a bloke who took his parrot for a ride on his car.

This week, check out what their finest scientists are working on.

It's been challenging mankind since we were first blasted off.

Can humans drink beer in space?

"I'm only going to the moon if I can get shitfaced."

To be honest, I think drinking in space is madness.

The last thing you want when you meet bizarre intergalactic creatures are beer goggles.

"She's all right." "Dave, she looks like Shrek's bell-end!"

Drinking in space would really have changed Star Wars.

Imagine Hans Solo pissed. "Chewie, you look like a '70s minge."

There's Luke Skywalker clutching a bottle of vodka,

"I can't believe I tried to fuck my sister."

The royal wedding draws ever closer.

Have you seen the latest wedding memorabilia?

Take a look at Crown Jewels. That's right.

Condoms are being sold in packs of three,

and they have a picture of the royal couple on the front,

and according to the manufacturer, they are "lavishly lubed,"

and "regally ribbed."

Lavishly lubed and regally ribbed,

they make it sound like the Queen is blessing each one.

"Arise, Sir Johnny! Do your duty for the empire!

"Is Boris Johnson licking the back of my head?"

Have you seen their catchphrase?

The special celebration pack urges lovers to,

"Lie back and think of England."

"Lie back and think of England?" That'd be horrible!

Having sex with a girl, and she's going, "Late trains! Wheelie bins!

"Drizzly weather!"

He's there going, "Why can't Lampard and Gerrard work together in the midfield?"

They should get Philip to do the adverts. "Royal condom, extra strong.

"Trust the crown when you're going brown-town."

The big sports story of the week was of course the Grand National.

Did you watch the BBC coverage? It was so over-the-top.

There isn't a person in the country

that doesn't know today is Grand National day.

Ooh, I can think of one.

Mind you, it's a huge draw. All the celebs were there.

-Hiya! I'm Coleen Rooney. That's Wayne up there.

-Hurgh!

I felt a bit sorry for the reporters. They were interviewing the crowd.

I'll read out some horse names, and you cheer if you're backing them, OK?

Trouble is, the crowd were pretty hammered.

Oscar Time.

CHEERING

Any support for Fergie's What A Friend?

CHEERING

Silver By Nature?

CHEERING

Big Fella Thanks, anyone?

CHEERING

Are you going to cheer anything I say?

CHEERING

Talking of drinking, some ladies actually thought they were jockeys.

WOLF WHISTLE

Whistling?!

Not everyone was pissed, some were betting, and getting quite scientific.

I like when they bounce around on their toes, you know.

I like a horse that doesn't keep its head down,

I like it when it looks up a bit.

"I like the jumpy one!"

As ever, the winner was a small Irish bloke you couldn't understand.

Delight for jockey Jason Maguire,

who could scarcely believe his achievement.

-GARBLED:

-We said we'd try and be in the first ten...

LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH

..but he'd half run away by the first mile.

Yeah. Why is it all jockeys are Irish?

Being a career officer in Ireland must be a piece of piss.

"Tall? Comedian. Small? Jockey.

"Really small? Leprechaun."

Sorry, Dara!

One thing I love about the National is the way the commentators talk.

Santa's Son running a big race.

Oscar Time's just in behind, followed by The Midnight Club, then Surface To Air...

Do you know what I'd love to do? Buy a horse and call him I'm Having A Nervous Breakdown.

In fact, I'd buy all the horses in the race, give them all weird names,

and make it sound like the commentator was going mad. Wouldn't that be great?

"They're coming up to the final furlong,

I'm Having A Nervous Breakdown ahead of My Wife Left Me Over Pictures On My Laptop,

not to mention There's A Burst Pipe In My Sex Dungeon.

Small Fry Considering Last Summer I Bummed A Squirrel towards the rear.

Where's That Rash Come From followed by Strangle Wank,

and I should be in therapy cos the race hasn't even started!

If you think the Grand National was the only equine story of the week, guess again.

Prepare to meet a group from California called Pony Play,

who pretend to be horses.

Any time you're pretending to be a pony it's pony play.

Pony play? It looks more like gimpy taxi.

You get in this headspace, it's thinking that I'm a pony.

I no longer have responsibilities of being human, I'm just a pony pulling my cart.

Imagine going out with her. "I'm a pony."

"You're telling me, love, you've just done a shit on the road."

Frighteningly, she isn't the only member of Pony Club.

Check out this wheezy loser.

So beautiful.

This is obviously as close as I will ever get to riding a horse.

What, why's that, cos you live in a city, can't afford one?

No, I can't see myself riding an actual horse.

-He's vegan.

-I'm vegan.

"I'm vegan. I can't ride a horse cos I'm vegan.

I've never had my photo taken cos I can't even say cheese."

This is the part of the show I don't know anything about.

There's a mystery guest who's been in the news, and I have to figure out who.

So please welcome my mystery guest!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello.

-How are you? All right?

-I'm good, thanks.

-Good. Thanks very much.

-What's your name?

-David Jones.

-David James, OK.

-Jones.

-Jones, OK.

So obviously you're in this cell, and there's some people looking at you,

there's some crime books, and a dinosaur book.

OK. Have another look at some of the other books, to give you a clue.

-OK. So we've got Mark Thomas, OK, crime books. Anything to do with biscuits?

-No.

Go to your right.

-Reptiles.

-You are on the right track.

Randomly you have crime books?

-Just for reading material.

-Living snakes of the world. Reptiles.

I love that, you read books about snakes, and when you are bored, books about torture.

It's a strange world.

-Do you have lots of snakes?

-I don't have lots of snakes, no.

-You are fond of snakes?

-I am very fond of snakes.

LAUGHTER

-Don't!

-That's fine.

Where am I? What do you think I am in?

-You are in a bed-sit.

-Yeah.

And children are staring at you.

-Let's just say people in general.

-People are staring at you.

OK, were you living in a reptile bit of a zoo?

-A reptile centre?

-You are very close.

-You are going to have to tell me.

I will tell you, the reason I was in it's news is that I broke the world record

for living the longest period of time with venomous snakes.

That's worth a round of applause.

-How long is that record?

-The record is 121 days.

Wow! Wow!

On your own for 121 days, you must have had a brief chat with them, I can't believe you wouldn't?

Me and the snakes used to chat all the time.

By the end of it we were friends.

Of course. As you are. What's your favourite snake?

I had a little snouted cobra in the room.

Everything sounds suggestive.

We called him half-cocked.

LAUGHTER

I must show you a little bit more of my room.

Is there a snake here?

Because I have already told you that I was living in a room with 40 venomous snakes.

So what I thought I would do is bring you an example

of the actual snakes I was living with.

What I'm going to do is just open this up here and give you a couple of examples in there.

OK. Yeah. If you would like to just move your head or pull that out of the way as well.

We have a few snakes in there.

Yeah. OK.

Mind your feet.

Oh, oh!

God, that looks like Voldemort. I ain't going there.

No, no, you are that bloke in Star Wars!

In Jabba's Palace. "You wanna wonga".

Now, I ain't going near you, mate.

-Russell, do me a favour, can you just lift up your seat?

-Yes.

-Thank you. Lift it up.

-The whole thing?

-The whole thing.

-From the bottom?

-Not there!

LAUGHTER

From there, yeah?

Gently lift the seat up.

I thought it might be under there.

The snakes that we have here, the Python and these guys here

are non-venomous snakes, the guy you have been sitting on, he is venomous.

It's so weird, man.

-Hold it.

-I am not going to hold it, it's terrifying.

-Will somebody have a go for me?

-Yes!

Right, you pretend to be me.

What was that, what the fuck was that!

What's all that? I never do that.

It looks very heavy. It's pretty heavy.

There you go.

APPLAUSE

Now, pretty sexy.

-Well done. What's your name?

-Jo.

Have you ever... look, ah!

Well, done, braver than me.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jo!

-Take him away from me.

-Come on, Russell.

-I would love to do it, I haven't got the bravery.

-Can I shake your hand and see you later?

-You will have to come closer.

-I will.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my mystery guest.

Did you hear about the porn company planning a trip to a sleepy town in Kent?

There's outrage in Deal after an American company making adult movies

said it plans to bring a roadshow to the town to encourage local women to strip off and take part.

It's called Girls Gone Wild and they want to film local women in their underwear.

They want to take photos of women in Deal.

If they want to find British women willing to bear all, they should have just gone to the National.

They will not find that in Deal.

I have been there, it's full of pensioners. The high street is like a scene from Cocoon.

Just Horlicks and Werthers.

Can you imagine the pictures?

That's it, ladies, spread them.

Really spread them.

Is it hard?

It looks hard.

Yes, it is a bit tricky.

That's it. Four fingers.

Stick them right in.

Now put them in your mouth.

I do like a Kit Kat, but between you and me I'd rather suck cock.

Do you know the weird thing, that wasn't even in the script.

This week's final story is excellent.

It's about Aaron 'Wheelz' Fotheringham, who despite

being born with spina bifida lives his life to the max.

Check this out, it's absolutely brilliant.

MUSIC: "Hello World" by Amely

I have spina bifida, it's something to do with your spine.

It's a birth defect and I have never really researched what

it is or what it does, just because I just don't really focus on that.

My first real trick was a 180 off a boxed jump and that took me forever

just to get that rotation, you know, throwing your head and stuff.

After I did that, that was cool, but I got bored, I was like

that's cool, but that's boring, I need something else.

Then a bunch of bikers and stuff were like, you know what would be cool if

you could backflip on a wheelchair, I was like that would be sick,

I never thought about that.

It feels like a dream.

Right now I think I am just like, you know, I think I just got a

concussion and this is going on in my head, I am scared to wake up.

I don't want to wake up and be lying in the skate park.

Things have happened that I never thought would happen.

Quality, isn't it. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for watching Good News.

Have an excellent night. Ta-ra.

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