Episode 3 Russell Howard's Good News


Episode 3

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

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APPLAUSE

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Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you.

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Hello and welcome to Good News. I'll tell you what...

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It doesn't take much to impress reporters these days.

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Plates, they are pretty awesome.

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LAUGHTER

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Over at BBC Breakfast, an important sex tip...

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Never put anything larger than an elbow in an orifice.

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I've always said that!

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With all the news focusing on Japan and Libya,

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things have been a bit quiet in Scotland.

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A dozen ambulances were sent to an accident in Fife earlier today

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that resulted in a 12-year-old boy having a plaster put on his finger.

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Did anyone else see that old bloke talking about vajazzling?

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If it is groomed and quite smart, it can be quite enhancing,

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but if it's a mess, you think yuck!

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What has it got inside there?

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In political news this week, the English Defence League held a march in Blackburn.

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Here's what happened.

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They arrived in Blackburn by the bus load.

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THEY CHANT

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Members of the English Defence League from across the country,

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voicing their opposition to Islamic extremism.

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Can some of you please behave yourselves?

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In case you don't know who the English Defence League are...

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Hello, Sir, why are you here today?

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I'm here to protest, right,

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so I'm going on a march, because I want Britain to be back British.

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I want Britain to be back British.

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We've got interracial law and the muslamic infidel,

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that's how they get their law over our country.

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Some of these burqa people, right,

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they can't even speak proper England.

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They are trying to put the Iraqi law down on London and trying to...

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Just trying to put their law down on us.

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-We can't stand for that.

-Which Iraqi law is this?

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It's the Muslim, the muslamic law.

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The Muslim muslamic law, right.

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Shut up, right, they want to do a 9/11 every Wednesday.

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They want to stop me eating bacon...

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Their leader, Al Qaeda, you know, the bloke who lives in a cave, right,

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he wants Sharon law.

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Well, I don't want a woman forcing me to speak Mosque.

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LAUGHTER

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Check out their leader, Stephen Lennon.

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We will not say what you want. We will not do what you want.

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I have not been groomed in public speaking. I have not been educated.

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I've never read a book.

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I don't even know how to use a spoon!

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What a role model. The thing that caught my eye about this -

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they went to Blackburn because they wanted to fight an anti-fascist group.

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It didn't really work out that way.

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Brilliant. The racists started fighting themselves.

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Oi, Terry, you've given me a black eye. Now I hate my own eye!

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I wouldn't be surprised if one of them started a fight with his own shadow. Stop following me.

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Stop it, you black bastard!

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They are the kind of people who hold up signs that say, "Ban the burqa" while dressed like this.

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Over in Italy, the Prime Minister, Silvio "sex-pest" Berlusconi, is going to court.

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The Italian Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi, has been ordered to

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stand trial on charges of paying for sex with an underaged girl.

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Prosecutors allege Berlusconi paid for sex

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with the 17-year-old Moroccan girl nicknamed Ruby.

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So is Berlusconi worried?

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Well, clearly not. He laughed off the scandal by saying this...

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I'm a sleazy bastard.

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Probably the most ridiculous development of the trial is this.

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Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has called up George Clooney

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as one of his defence witnesses for when he goes on trial next month.

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Makes sense. The two are inseparable.

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You barely see them apart.

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George Clooney says he only recalls meeting the Italian Prime Minister once.

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Berlusconi is clearly bullshitting.

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Yeah, Clooney was there, Ian Holloway.

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De blue one from Avatar,

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and de President of Russia.

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Vladimir Putin? No! Dis guy.

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Elsewhere in the world of politics...

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have you heard the latest news about the Liberals?

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A company in Suffolk have planned a musical about Nick Clegg.

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Apparently they're going to call it Clegg The Musical.

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Surely they should have gone for Nick And His Amazing Technicolour Bullshit.

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I was so excited by this, I couldn't wait, so I've decided to write my own version.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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There's been ghoulish goings-on in the West Midlands.

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A cupboard door mysteriously opens of its on accord.

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Is someone behind it playing tricks?

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Not so, according to a family in Coventry, who claim something is haunting their home.

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There's a ghost in Coventry?

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What has he been doing?

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The room is quiet and motionless.

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But then, suddenly disturbed by a moving pink chair.

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Is this family being visited by a poltergeist?

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No.

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Someone is moving a chair with string.

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Either that or you've got a ghost that's into feng shui.

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He's hardly scary.

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A moving pink chair coming out of the closet.

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I bet that ghost doesn't go "Wooo", he goes "Oooooh".

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It isn't just the chair. Look what else this evil spirit has done.

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The light came on, or switched off - one or the other,

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and I went to the kitchen to try to turn the light back off.

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I think it must have turned it back on.

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As I touched the kitchen light all you heard was a bang

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and the whole house electrics have gone off.

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That's a power cut!

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Unbelievably this isn't the only ghost story from Coventry.

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There was another one in the news this week.

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But he doesn't move furniture. He's got a bit of a temper.

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Casper's gone bad.

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I know we shouldn't laugh but look where she claims the ghost is stalking her.

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The ghosts follow her to Asda.

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It's like something out of Chat magazine.

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I reached over the freezer, suddenly I were cold all over,

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then a voice from nowhere went, "Supervisor to checkout three, please."

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I looked around, no-one there.

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Ghosts.

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Why is a ghost attacking a woman from Coventry?

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Surely if you could punch anyone you would choose this guy.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Why be so violent? If I was an invisible ghost I wouldn't hit people, I would have fun.

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I would go to a zoo.

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I would pick up a penguin and make it look like he was flying,

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just to see all the other penguins going, "What the fu...

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"How are you doing that?"

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"It's a miracle."

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Let's be honest, a violent ghost would be terrifying, but it would definitely have improved this film.

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MUSIC: "Unchained Melody" by The Righteous Brothers

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Elsewhere...

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-LAUGHTER

-Thanks very much.

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APPLAUSE

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There is nothing quite like a lady getting hit.

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Elsewhere in the news scientists have finally discovered the secret of love.

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A 21st century matchmaker promises singles they can

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find someone compatible simply by matching their faces to others.

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This is the news that apparently you're attracted to people that look like you.

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Shit!

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That doesn't bode well for me....

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APPLAUSE

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My girlfriend actually calls me Shirley,

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but that's another story.

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If scientists are right, it explains why these two are so close.

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It's bollocks. I don't want to go out with someone that looks like me.

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I've got a lazy eye. We'd spend eternity unable to make eye contact.

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Our children would look like this.

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If I banged an animal.

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The big sports story of the week had to be this.

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The Football Association has upheld Wayne Rooney's two-match ban for swearing into a TV camera.

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Nobody cares.

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A footballer swore? Next you'll be telling me Jordan isn't a virgin.

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What do they expect, it's Rooney.

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He's hardly going to turn into Stephen Fry after scoring.

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Got the ball here, come on, lads, you can do it. It's a goal!

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My goodness, that ball flew into the net like a glorious falcon.

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Look to me, chaps, for my foot is more powerful than Thor's hammer.

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Let's finish these rapscallions off and head back to mine for jam sandwiches and ginger beer.

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Are you all right, Wayne?

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I don't know. I came over weird when I scored that fucking goal.

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You get these hysterical parents, "He swore, now the children will swear." Calm down.

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They haven't copied him in the past.

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"Where are you going?" "Mother, I'm off granny-banging.

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"If it's good enough for Rooney, it's good enough for me.

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"Now fetch my Shrek mask."

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That isn't the only football story this week. Look what Mohammed Al Fayed has done.

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As Fulham football fans arrived at the fronts of Craven Cottage stadium on Sunday for a league match,

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a controversial statue of the pop legend Michael Jackson was being unveiled at the back.

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Have you seen it?

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It looks like something you'd get with a Happy Meal.

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Obviously the fans hate it.

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Cue excellent reaction from Al Fayed.

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If some stupid fans don't understand and appreciate

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such a gift this guy give to the world,

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they can just go to hell.

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That's a bit harsh. Imagine being in hell stood next to some bloke, "What are you here for?"

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"I ate a baby, you?"

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"I didn't like a statue.

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"I thought it looked like goats cheese over a sex doll."

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Fulham must be the least family friendly club in the league.

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They are called the Cottagers and now they've got a statue of a suspected paedo.

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What does their mascot look like, this?

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Peculiar news from around the globe.

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Let's start with a strange new law in Malawi.

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Farting in public is apparently such a big problem in Malawi,

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officials want it to be made a criminal offence.

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TRANSLATION: We can't allow that. We all fart.

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Where do you think we Could go and fart? It is no issue to debate upon.

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Exactly! You can't ban farting. Sometimes you can't help it.

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If my dad lifts something heavy, he will gulf like a fat horse.

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This is going to change the Comic Relief videos.

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Just £5 a month can help Bwembe go to Europe so he can drop his guts.

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Loads of blokes hanging their arse over the border.

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Argh! Thanks, Lenny Henry.

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As you can imagine the people of Malawi are not taking this sitting down.

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We all fart in public, it will be difficult to tell who's done it.

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Some do it silently. In some cases it's like tear gas that goes sssh.

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Sssshhhh!

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If my ass made that noise, I would be down the library freaking people out.

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That librarian keeps telling me to be quiet and he fucking stinks!

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From Malawi to Australia and a novel way to boost the population.

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Two of Australia's biggest IVF clinic have launched an online advertising

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campaign to encourage more men to become sperm donors.

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They've done so in typically Aussie fashion.

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I love the fact you can only see one of his hands.

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Have you been to Australia? All their ads are like that, ridiculously blunt.

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Socks, your ankles fucking love them!

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McDonalds, eat it, you dick.

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I bet you money the blood bank hit back.

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Hey, that's right. That's right.

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Staying down under. Here's a headline I never thought I'd see.

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A bloke from Melbourne has been attaching a parrot to his windscreen wipers and taking him for a drive.

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-Want to see the parrot in action?

-Yes!

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One of the videos was shot in a Melbourne back street.

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Go, Angus! Good boy, mate!

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I love it out here.

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The wind blowing through my feathers.

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You know, I don't think I've ever been happier.

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Another, this one at around 100 kilometres an hour in the breakdown lane of a busy freeway.

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Fuck! Stop the car, stop the fucking car!

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Poor parrot.

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Who's a pretty boy then?

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Not me, I have flies in my teeth.

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Beak, not teeth. I haven't actually got any teeth.

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I'm a parrot.

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I'd do the next joke if I were you, Russ, you look like a dick on national telly.

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The bloke is a absolute moron.

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Look what he gets angry about.

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I am sick of people looking at me and laughing as I'm driving down the street.

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Well, don't Sellotape a parrot to your car then.

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As you can imagine, the authorities want this to stop.

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And you're telling people it will stop?

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I'm not going to say it'll stop, I'm going to think about it.

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Yeah, I am going to think about it, but in fairness I said I would think about going to the dentist.

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To be honest, the parrot should count himself lucky, there are worse cars to be attached to.

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# It's Friday, Friday... #

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APPLAUSE

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MOUTHS

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Time for the mystery guest and, yes, you are right,

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I did get beaten up by an old lady last week. Ha-ha(!)

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This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.

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There'll be a mystery guest from the news. I have to figure out who that person is.

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Please welcome my mystery guest.

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-Hello. Nice to meet you. I am Russ.

-Jammie.

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Jammie? Nice to meet you.

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Please tell me your surname is Dodger and we will go.

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-I am guessing scientist.

-You're wrong.

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-I'm wrong? Why have you got all this stuff then?

-I was given it.

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-You were given it.

-By them.

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-This isn't your stuff?

-No, none of it is my stuff.

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This isn't fair, so they dressed you up to look like a scientist.

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What do you do, a matador or something?

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It's something to do with potions, do you make potions?

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Not potions.

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-But I'm close?

-Close.

-Do you make...perfume?

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I make perfume, yeah.

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-What's your scent? Are you Calvin Klein?

-No.

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-That would have been great.

-Yeah.

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You make perfume. Is that why you have been in the news this week?

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-Yes.

-For making perfume?

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Yeah, a perfume called Surplus or "Sur-ploo" if you are French.

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-Surplus, OK...

-It's made from the excesses of the body.

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From the excesses of the body?

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Doesn't sound like a massive seller.

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You are telling me you make poo perfume?

0:18:490:18:51

-Yeah.

-You do?

-Well, it's not just from...

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-It's not just from poo?

-It's also from urine and hair.

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I apologise. It's poo perfume and wee and hair?

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-Mm-hm. Do you want to try it?

-No.

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You know, I have a selection of people here. I will sniff it, yeah.

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Smells all right actually. I need someone to verify it doesn't smell like...

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Are you up for it?

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Fancy a bit of poo?

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Give us a whiff and shout out what that smells like, madam.

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I think it smells like my nan.

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Smells like your nan?

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-APPLAUSE

-Wouldn't that be...

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That would be the best advert for perfume.

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Generally it's sexy French models going like that,

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it's just your nan going, "I stink."

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How much poo does it take to make one pot of this?

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I made about seven litres of liquid. That's including...

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Do you live alone?

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At the time I was. My girlfriend was in New York.

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She was in New York. Did she have any idea you were doing this?

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-No.

-Excellent.

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"What you doing?" "Nothing, this and that."

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HE STRAINS

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Explain to me the process from poo to perfume, how does that happen?

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That doesn't look or smell like poo.

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The simplest way of kind of putting it together would be

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that in faeces there is a molecule called skatole which is the smell.

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It's the same molecule that makes white flowers smell - like orange blossoms, junipers, jasmines -

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it's just in different percentages so in faeces it's like 30%, in white flowers it's about 5%.

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So I extracted that through steam distillation process,

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which is the traditional method of extracting oils and essential oils from any material

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and diluted it down into a more pleasant smell, rather than...

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How did you learn all this?

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Research and speaking to perfumers and scientists

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and experimenting with nose pegs.

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Flipping heck, man!

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I think you may need a bit of help. I like you,

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but that is, you know... Isn't it interesting? Because you are wearing a white coat

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and glasses and you have an air of intelligence about you,

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we go, "Very interesting." If you said that to me on a park bench,

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I'd run away. Now I am going, "How very clever."

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-Isn't that weird?

-Thank you.

-Lovely to meet you,

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what a bizarre thing. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for my mystery guest.

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APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

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Now remember last week we found the house that looked like Hitler.

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Get ready for this.

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They found an insect that looks like Elvis and when you see it it's going to blow your mind.

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Truly remarkable. It's like he is in the room!

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In fairness, most insects look like people. Some look like sportsmen.

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Some look like rappers.

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And some look like evil dictators.

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This next story is great. Here's a sentence you don't hear very often.

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A fireman from Hull has been described as a hero

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after giving the kiss of life to a pet dog.

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Hero? Imagine him with the other firemen.

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"Just put out a fire, you?"

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"I tongued a Labrador."

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Did you see how long he worked on the dog?

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It was such a rewarding thing to see, the way the fireman was...

0:22:470:22:51

He must have been 30 minutes working on the dog.

0:22:510:22:54

"30 minutes, it were beautiful.

0:22:540:22:57

"The dog came around after two but he wanted to be sure.

0:22:570:23:01

"He was so dedicated, it were 20 minutes before they told him he'd got the wrong end."

0:23:010:23:06

My favourite part of the report has to be the reaction of the dog's owner.

0:23:090:23:14

I don't think I could have done what he did myself, to my own dog.

0:23:140:23:17

We knew what her breath was like.

0:23:170:23:19

"I'd have let her die, she fucking stinks!"

0:23:210:23:24

Moving away from doggy snogging, meet Bob, he has an unusual hobby.

0:23:240:23:30

My name is Bob Gibbons,

0:23:300:23:33

I am 60 years of age and I have the world's biggest collection of love dolls.

0:23:330:23:39

200-plus.

0:23:390:23:41

200 love dolls!

0:23:410:23:44

How creepy is that?

0:23:440:23:46

Do you reckon he put them on his census form?

0:23:460:23:49

"Who lives here?

0:23:490:23:50

"Well, I got Dirty Sue, Busty Brenda, Filthy Maureen.

0:23:500:23:58

"And my wife...

0:23:580:23:59

"..with her talking and her breathing."

0:24:040:24:08

You probably think he keeps them locked away in a shed. Oh, no.

0:24:100:24:14

We have them around the house, in the house, in the bedroom.

0:24:140:24:19

We have them in the front rooms.

0:24:190:24:21

It's like some kind of budget Playboy mansion.

0:24:210:24:24

I bet that's the only house where Jehovah's Witnesses go,

0:24:240:24:28

"Nah, we'll come back later."

0:24:280:24:31

Christ, I've only just seen them bastards.

0:24:320:24:34

Bizarrely, his relationship isn't sexual.

0:24:360:24:39

OK.

0:24:400:24:43

Let's take you on a shopping trip, maybe we will buy something.

0:24:430:24:47

That's right, he is taking a sex doll to Tesco.

0:24:470:24:50

I have got you something really nice.

0:24:510:24:55

"Is it a drawing pin so I can end my misery?"

0:24:550:24:59

The strangest part of this story, look how much he spent on his hobby.

0:25:000:25:04

Probably within £60,000 - £80,000 on actual dolls.

0:25:040:25:10

80 grand?! If you like plastic women with dead eyes, you should just go on this.

0:25:100:25:15

Time for the Good News Story.

0:25:240:25:26

This is a moving report about Harvey Phillips who lost three limbs to meningitis as a baby

0:25:260:25:31

and he's finally taken his first steps.

0:25:310:25:33

Diagnosed with meningitis as a baby, Harvey Phillips had both legs

0:25:390:25:43

and part of his arms amputated to save his life.

0:25:430:25:46

Ever since, six-year-old Harvey has spent his life

0:25:460:25:49

trying to be just like his friends.

0:25:490:25:52

Fitted for the first time with fully moving mechanical legs he is setting out on a long road

0:25:520:25:56

to learn how to walk with the help of specialists at the Northern General Hospital in Sheffield

0:25:560:26:01

and with his usual determination he says he can do it in a week.

0:26:010:26:06

It's Harvey, if he wants it, he will do it, basically.

0:26:060:26:12

He's impressing us all.

0:26:120:26:14

With Harvey wanting bendy legs as he called it, we have just gone along

0:26:140:26:19

and he has seen other kids with bendy legs, he wants them.

0:26:190:26:25

It's just Harvey who has pushed and pushed.

0:26:250:26:28

Did you ever envisage you would see him walk like this?

0:26:330:26:36

Not at all.

0:26:360:26:38

Next on his list, perfecting his moves so he can play his favourite sport - football.

0:26:450:26:51

That's what he wants to do in the long run.

0:26:510:26:54

With his new legs, it brings him up to the same height as other kids at school,

0:26:550:26:59

which is a big bonus for Harvey, as well.

0:26:590:27:03

It's looking good.

0:27:030:27:04

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:070:27:09

What a lovely little fella.

0:27:120:27:13

Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for watching the show, hope you enjoyed it.

0:27:130:27:17

Good night.

0:27:170:27:18

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:330:27:36

E-mail [email protected]

0:27:360:27:39

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