Episode 2 Russell Howard's Good News

THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE AND ADULT HUMOUR

APPLAUSE

Thank you. Thank you very much. Hello, welcome to Good News.

First up, Sky News revealed the downside of having mirrored floors.

You're staring at your own personal black hole.

Is it me, or are Jeremy Paxman's interviews getting too harsh?

You actually are impotent.

Don't you hate it when a reporter comes along just when you're trying to steal a dog?

-Are you going to vote on Thursday?

-I don't know yet. We'll have to see.

-Do you know what the referendum is about?

-No, I don't. Bye, now.

"Bye, now. Shit, they're on to me!"

Over at BBC Breakfast, Barry Norman revealed the chat-up line he used on Jordan.

I leaned across the table, took one of those formidable breasts in each hand, squeezed and said, "bah, bah."

He gets straight to the point.

And finally, don't forget the main rule of telly.

Never broadcast live from a pub.

There's a very different atmosphere in this pub now

than when we got here at eight o'clock.

It's a different crowd that are here now.

There are the football fans,

but when we were here this morning it was full of Andy Murray fans.

You're probably thinking, I imagine, he stops there. You'd be wrong!

He made it to the final this time last year,

the same Australian Open final.

We were here last year, and we all had our fingers crossed for a different outcome.

We've been told not to lose heart by some of the greatest tennis players of our time,

amongst them Andre Agassi.

He didn't win his first few shots at a grand slam, it happened later...

APPLAUSE

The big news of the weekend was obviously the TUC marches against government cuts.

Anti-cuts protests have turned to violence with anarchists

targeting banks and shops in London's West End.

I feel sorry for the TUC, a peaceful march hijacked by a few dickheads.

The anarchists were throwing paint at the police. Why?

Do they honestly believe George Osborne will change his policies

if they make a policeman look like he's been jizzed on by a smurf?

Think it through! The majority of violence took place in Piccadilly.

If only Sky News could explain where that was.

Those of you who play Monopoly

will know that Piccadilly is one of the premier locations in London.

Thanks, Sky News! Do you reckon he uses board games to explain everything?

"The rioters are pushing sticks through windows.

"It's just like Kerplunk!"

So, where did the rioters strike?

The luxury department store Fortnum & Mason was another target.

It was overrun by 200 members of the campaign group UK Uncut.

Fortnum & Mason. Apparently at one point they threatened to attack a bloke inside the shop. Why?

How wonderful is that?

I'd love to shake that bloke's hand.

"Get down, I'm going to kill you you "In a minute, dear boy. This is simply divine!

"Num, num, num!"

It wasn't just anarchists caught on camera.

Some people were just out and about enjoying their Saturday night.

As I've said repeatedly, it's not just full of protesters,

there are many people just out on a normal Saturday night

who have got caught up in the violence.

"Why's my bed got wheels on it?!"

The media obviously concentrated on the violence.

I'd like to concentrate on the quality of banners.

Once again, Britain, you've done yourself proud.

Here are a few of my favourites.

"Cutting is for emo kids."

Some people compared the cuts to recent tragedies.

"First Dobby dies, now this?"

Even youngsters were furious.

"I was told there would be biscuits."

Some of the threats were incredible. Look at this.

"For every cut I'm going to teabag a Tory MP."

That would be a cracking episode of Question Time.

We're not the only people... Someone's going, "What's teabagging mean?"

You don't want to know!

We're not the only people angry with the cuts,

the Irish economy is also in tatters, and they've had enough.

If anything, they're angrier than we are,

as you can tell from this fantastic interview.

Today we're talking to a real Irishman in the money business.

What's going on in Ireland with the Celtic Tiger?

The banks are hurting so much. What's the story here?

-Do you really want to know?

-I'd love to.

Well, it's what's happened all over the Western world over the last 20 or 30 years,

greed, greed and more fucking greed.

He's brilliant. Look who he blames.

Of course, above all, wanking fucking bankers.

Wanking bankers. These arseholes,

that for the last 20, 30 years are getting massive bonuses.

"Wanking fucking bankers!" He's not just angry about financial matters.

You know that Michael Flatley is really from Chicago, but that's another story.

Fuck off!

So, what else has been going on?

There's been some cracking alien stories knocking around.

Military sightings of flying saucers and an alien abduction in London

feature among thousands of documents released by the Ministry of Defence.

The Ministry of Defence have released all the reports

from nutters who claim they've met aliens.

Many of them sketch what they see.

This is a drawing of a spaceship making crop circles.

Here is a spacecraft near Woolwich.

This was spotted near Liverpool,

this near the M4 in South Wales.

Liverpool, Woolwich, South Wales. What are the aliens typing into their sat nav?

"Must be near a Poundland!"

I love the drawings. Look at that. It looks like Mr Blobby's cock ring.

My favourite has to be the one spotted in Wales.

That's the worst drawing ever!

Imagine him explaining what that was.

-WELSH ACCENT:

-"The ship looked like an egg. Above it, a bit like a sausage!

"Hang on a minute! That's not a UFO, I've drawn my breakfast!"

Not all of them did drawings, one bloke wrote a letter describing his terrible ordeal.

Then there was a possible alien abduction from a London garden in 1998.

"I heard a distant roar of engines getting louder.

"Suddenly a huge craft appeared over the house, heading in a westerly direction.

"In the morning my wife and I were listening to the radio when the presenter gave a time check.

"Somehow during the night I'd gained a whole hour.

"I'm now beginning to wonder if I was abducted."

And how did the Ministry of Defence reply?

The MoD wrote back pointing out that night the clocks had changed.

So beautiful, isn't it?

I'd love to see the rest of the letter. "I put me rubbish out the other day,

"woke up in the morning, gone. Aliens!"

"It gets worse, I told me wife I'd had been abducted. Next day, she'd gone. Aliens."

"Not just her, all her clothes, all my money and my brother.

"The aliens took my wife and my brother...

"Ah, fuck, she's shagging me brother."

Now, have you heard about the estate agent that pissed off an entire street?

A North Yorkshire estate agent who tried to sell a house

by suggesting it would be suitable

for someone with an interest in pond life,

smells and being scruffy has succeeded in upsetting an entire neighbourhood.

He compared the people to pond life. Have a look at his excuse.

When I do gardening I'm usually wearing scruffy clothes.

Some gardens have ponds, which have life in them.

"I was talking about gardening.

"When I said that the place was full of pricks, I meant the rose bush."

The locals were livid.

Cue furious reaction from local residents.

We were all gobfounded!

Did you hear that? He said he was gobfounded!

He's so angry, he's making up words.

Next he'll be flabbersmacked!

He's probably in his house now, going, "People who throw stones

"should look before they count their eggs!"

What do you think he's trying to say about the area?

That we're scruffy, and take drugs, stuff like that.

Come on, Vicky Pollard's mum!

You live in the kind of place Jeremy Kyle visits with a net!

Talking of houses, here's a headline I never thought I'd see.

Apparently there's a house in Wales that looks like Hitler.

Do you want to see it? There it is!

I love the fact it's made the papers. I've seen loads of houses like that,

I've seen one like Wayne Rooney.

Probably my favourite, a church that looks like Barry Chuckle.

Moving on. Here's a lovely story about a kid rescued from danger.

Now to a drama that had a happy outcome

as a ten-year-old boy has been talking about how he was stuck

in quicksand on a Dorset beach.

I took one step in the mud. Then my shoe came off.

I could feel myself sinking. Then I just... Well, I...

This boy is brilliant. Most children would be traumatised. Not him.

Listen to what he gets angry about.

They got a stretcher thing and put it on the mud. Two firemen came along.

It was really hard to get out and my shoe and sock came off.

And my sock is still there.

APPLAUSE

"Those bloody firemen should have left me there!

"First Dobby dies, now this!"

I bet his mum is saying, "It's OK, we'll get you a new sock."

"No, Mother, just cut my foot off."

Poor kid. As if that isn't enough, the newsreader mocks him.

He'll never see that sock again.

Son of a bitch!

I'm surprised he didn't hold up the sock and say, "Because it's mine!"

Some bizarre aviation stories this week.

Have you seen what they're doing on Russian planes?

In-flight entertainment with a difference.

No meals, no movies, but a live concert at 30,000 feet.

Music on a plane. I'm not sure it's a good idea.

Some Russians react quite strangely when they enjoy music.

THEY SING AND PLAY

GUNFIRE

Let's pray they're big fans of Justin Bieber.

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

Excellent, a few people applauding,

everyone else, "He's my squirrel prince."

For me the best thing about the promotion is definitely this.

The passengers don't know about the concerts before they get on board,

so a warm welcome's not guaranteed.

They have no idea! Poor sods! What if you got this?

# It's Friday, Friday Gotta get down on Friday

# Everybody's looking forward to the weekend, weekend... #

"Crash the plane! I can't take it!"

It's not just in-flight concerts, they've got other plans...

We've regarded this as an opportunity to bring the fun back into flying.

We're looking at clowns, face-painting and jugglers.

Face-painting? How terrified would you be if you woke up next to your nan and she looked like this?

Clowns on a plane? Nobody wants that.

They're creepy and don't work well in a small space.

I tell you what, some fascinating animal stories in the news.

This is the bizarre news that male mice woo females by singing at them.

How does that work? Are they going up to lady mice and just sneaking cheese into love songs?

# Baby, Baby, Babybel!

# Baby, Baby, Babybel! #

Not working? I've got others.

# D'you fancy some mozzarella-ella-ella-ella? #

So, why do they sing?

Christ! Imagine how much clunge this guy gets.

# Rastamouse and Scratchy and Zoomer

# Also known as the Easy Crew... #

# Baby's gonna be covered in my Reggae-Reggae Sauce! #

It must be terrible if you're a mouse and you can't sing.

No ladies are interested, so you get desperate.

Just see Rastamouse go "Batty Boy!"

Did you hear about the bloke in Manchester

who's got a really weird companion?

-The nice thing is he doesn't bite.

-'Yes, they make an odd couple.

'They met on a building site when Nutty was just a week old.

'Without a mum, Tony nursed him, and the pair have been inseparable since.'

The whole idea is trust, both sides, you know.

Me trusting him, and he trusts me.

Don't "ah"! It's not normal. Ahh...

You haven't seen what he does with the squirrel.

'So now where Tony goes, Nutty follows.

'There's always time to watch TV.

'Even shower together.

'Nutty even goes to work with Tony. And at the end of the day, a quick pint.'

Sometimes you think you've seen it all,

and then you watch a man take a shower with a squirrel.

It's a brave bloke who takes a shower with an animal that likes to chew nuts.

Mind you, their showering days may soon be over.

Tony doesn't think their friendship can last.

As soon as he meets a mate, then he'll be off.

But that's the end of you and Nutty?

Yeah, but that's life.

"Fuck 'im!

"I can shower without that bastard."

Oh, Nutty. If he lives in the wild, I fear depression may hit him hard.

# All by myself

# Don't wanna be all by myself

# Any more... #

AUDIENCE GROANS

APPLAUSE

This is the part I don't know anything about.

It's a mystery guest who's been in the news. I've got to figure out who it is.

So, please welcome my mystery guest!

APPLAUSE

Hello, nice to meet you. I'm Russell. What's your name?

-Ena Mallett.

-Eda?

-Ena. Ena Mallett.

-Ena Mallett?

-Yes.

-OK. Do you want to stand there?

-I'll sit here.

You get comfy, I'll work around you.

-Yes, but don't touch that!

-I'm not allowed to touch that?

-No.

-OK. I wasn't going to steal from you.

-I wouldn't allow you to.

-You wouldn't?

-No.

OK. Now I want to test to see... Are you like a ninja or something?

Why did you say that?

Because you threatened to beat me up.

Have I given the secret away?

I don't know!

APPLAUSE

I'm looking in the bag, you have Polo mints there,

is it anything to do with mints?

-Yes.

-It has to do with mints?

-Eventually.

-Eventually.

Any other clues?

Something about fighting. Have you been fighting in the news?

-Yes, I have. Sometimes.

-Sometimes you...

-Sometimes I do.

Sometimes you fight. OK.

I'm nervous about the next question in case I ask the wrong one and you knock me out.

-I can easily do that.

-OK!

APPLAUSE

WOLF WHISTLE

I didn't want to...

LAUGHTER

-Am I supposed to laugh?

-Are you?

You can do whatever you want.

I'll need more. Why have you been in the news? I need to know.

I'm an instructor for Spirit Combat jujitsu.

I got seventh dan black belt,

-and I'm the only lady in the world as far as I know who's got that.

-Wow!

That is worth a round of applause.

APPLAUSE

I'm going to show you some of the things I teach now.

-I look forward to it.

-Which is self-defence.

I won't throw you about like jujitsu

-because you wouldn't know how to fall, would you?

-No!

Shall we do it over here? I'm going to get beaten up. Brilliant!

-The Polo mints, how did these get in?

-I was working in a shop.

-A boy was stealing these.

-So I'll play the role of the thief?

-You'll play the role of the thief.

-OK.

You'll have this in your left hand.

Oh, OK!

Ouch!

APPLAUSE

-Did I hurt you?

-It really hurt. Anything else you want to do to me?

-Yes.

-Do you want to burn my pubes?

-Yes.

LAUGHTER

-Wouldn't it be great to have you as my personal minder?

-Yes, it would.

-That would be great, wouldn't it?

-Grab me round...

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

Right, hold tight.

Hold tight!

Oh, right!

-Have you got any other moves?

-Yes.

-Let's do them.

-Right.

Shall I steal something else? I'll steal your handbag.

-Yes, steal the handbag.

-OK.

APPLAUSE

Excuse me, madam? Some bloke who looks like H from Steps just nicked your bag!

It wasn't me, it was some bloke! It was some nutter.

It wasn't me, I brought it back!

-That didn't work very well, did it?

-I got the bag.

-Yes, right.

Grab here, then.

Although we're not really meant to do this, but...

-So grab there?

-Yeah.

-Whoa!

So... strike!

LAUGHTER From behind here.

APPLAUSE

All right, all right.

Do you know what I love about it?

You tell me what you're going to do and yet you still do it.

"Strike!" "I know what's hap..."

Don't take this the wrong way,

but why were you dressed as a lollipop lady?

Because I am a real lollipop lady at South Walsham School in Norfolk.

Well, there you go.

APPLAUSE

This is all the stuff that I wear at school.

Is there anything else that I should know about you, Ena?

Yes, I do the school gardens at South Walsham, I'm an Avon lady...

Wow, you do loads. How do you fit it all in?

I don't know. I don't do any dusting.

Genuinely, a lot of fun, it's been wonderful.

-You'll always remember me, won't you?

-Of course I will.

Every time I see a lollipop lady, I'll be like that... "Argh!

"I'll go round! Go round!

"She's mental!"

But I'll always remember you.

-Can I go now?

-Of course you can.

-We'll give you a lovely of applause, then you can wander off.

-Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for...

APPLAUSE

For my mystery guest,

Ena, the warrior princess! Thank you so much.

Nothing compares to this next story from Russia. It is unbelievable.

A viral video circulating the web right now is horrifying parents

and raising some serious questions about how to handle a baby.

It's a mind-blower. Most of the clips we're talking about

on YouTube are called baby yoga or some variation of that.

You're probably thinking, "How can baby yoga be shocking?"

Check out this footage. By the way, it is a real baby.

That is why cocktail barmen should never baby-sit.

It's not often that Josef Fritzl gets to look at another parent and go, "bit much!

"It's a bit much, that." In case you're wondering, don't worry,

the child is absolutely fine.

I mean, his jumpers don't fit, but he's fine.

Bizarrely, yoga isn't the strangest sport they do with babies in Russia.

'Baby rugby.'

'Baby boxing.'

'Baby clay pigeon shoot.'

Pull!

Yeah!

'Yarrr!'

Russians.

It's time for the good news story. This is brilliant.

I'm ending the show with a report about a chef who gave up his career

to feed and care for the homeless in Madurai, India.

It's fantastic. Look at this.

Genuinely beautiful. I really hope you've enjoyed the show. Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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