Episode 1 Russell Howard's Good News


Episode 1

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

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APPLAUSE

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Hello! Thank you.

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Thanks very much.

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Hello and welcome to the new series of Good News.

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Now I couldn't start the show without showing you my favourite clip from the winter.

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Have you been waiting a long time?

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Too long?

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His excitement got the better of him when his uncle did arrive.

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I cannot tell you how many times I've watched that!

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I'm feeling a bit down, little boy, trolley. Ah.

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Is it me or is this guy the most possessive boyfriend in the world, ever?

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It's a man that's not even talking... It needs to be stopped.

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I tell you what, teaching standards in this country have gone to shit!

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Two plus two is vagina. Vagina. Vagina.

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Pretty sure it's four.

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Anyone else spot that bloke on the news with rickets?

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So they're saying people shouldn't be overly concerned.

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And, finally, a word of advice:

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Don't blow your nose near a child.

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They really don't like it.

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< NOSE BLOWING

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Let's be honest, the news lately has been pretty heavy.

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First of all we had the tragedy in Japan... I'm not going to do any crass jokes.

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What I will say is whenever a catastrophe occurs you can rely on some people to behave like morons.

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Let's start with Sky News who thought this advert was appropriate.

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Lesson 24. How to ride a wave.

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Book now at ba.com/barbados.

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It's unbelievable, isn't it?

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What are they going to do next, a bloke's been savaged by a tiger.

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Roll advert, Frosties!

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They're g-g-g-g-reat!

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Mind you, the Sky slip-up was nothing compared to this.

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Outrage on a UCLA campus, a student goes on the Internet with a racist rant directed

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at Asian students just hours after that massive earthquake his Japan.

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She was complaining about Asian students using their phones in the library. Did you hear what she said?

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I'll be like deep into my studying, into my political science theories

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and arguments, and all that stuff, typing away furiously blah, blah, blah.

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Then, all of a sudden, when I'm about to reach an epiphany...

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Over here from somewhere, "Aw! Aw! Ching chung..."

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Are you freaking kidding me? I swear they're going through

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their whole families, just checking on everybody from the tsunami thing.

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The tsunami thing?! The thing?!

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What's she studying, a degree in being a BLEEP!

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Mind you, it's hardly surprising she made it onto the news,

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she's a middle American dream, a racist with massive tits!

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I bet Sarah Palin was livid. "She's stealing my act! "Right, puppies?"

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The other major story of the week was, of course, Libya.

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Western forces have been attacking targets along the Libyan coast

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and from the sea and from the air.

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Did you see how the papers covered the air strike?

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The Telegraph went with, "British forces attack Gaddafi."

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The Observer said, "Allied strikes sweep Libya" and what was the front page of The Sun?

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Jordan!

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"There's a bit of me in those big fat gypsies."

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I think we all know which bit.

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Have you seen what they've called the air strike?

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Operation Odyssey Dawn.

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Let's be honest, that sounds like a porno, doesn't it?

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Operation Odyssey Dawn...

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They should have called it, Operation "We Don't Want

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Another Iraq But We Sold Libya The Weapons In The First Place

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So We've Kind Of Got To Do Something About It And Besides There's A Lot Of Oil There" - Dawn.

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Do you know, Gaddafi's nickname is Mad Dog.

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Call me naive but selling weapons to a dictator called Mad Dog?!

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Probably going to come back to haunt you.

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That's like hiring a babysitter called Rapey Dave.

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Gaddafi is clearly delusional.

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Some were against you...

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No-one against us. Against me for what?

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They love me, all my people are with me. They love me all.

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Really?

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I hate Muammar Gaddafi.

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Gaddafi here is the same as Hitler and Mussolini. Gaddafi Fascist.

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If he is not going to leave we are going to kill him.

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Mind you, the signs of madness have always been there.

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This is a previous quote of his:

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The man has the right to be in charge of his country,

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even if looks like Sylvester Stallone's mum.

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So, back in Britain, the countdown to the Olympics has finally begun

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with the unveiling of the Olympic clock.

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If it wasn't real before, it is now.

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While we've been on air, the London Olympics unveiled their countdown clock for 2012.

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Pretty exciting, 2012, here we come.

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Remember last night we showed you the start of the London Olympic countdown clock.

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Well, today it stopped.

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It's so classically British, it broke after one day.

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I bet there were people going, "It's broke.

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"Have you tried turning it off and on again?

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"Take the batteries out and rub it on your jumper."

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"Try drinking some water... Oh, that's hiccups."

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We are so hopeless, aren't we?

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To be honest, it's little wonder the clock stopped when you consider this man's in charge.

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Mind you, Boris has got other things on his mind.

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Like, thisnews reader's ass.

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Alice Bhandhukravi who's there...

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That's right and I'm glad to say I'm joined Mayor Boris Johnson...

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I love the bit when he's caught.

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"Look at that... Oh, hello."

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He's been on spectacular form.

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Listen to what he believes builders rubbed on the Olympic velodrome.

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Rhubarb.

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It is lovingly rubbed with rhubarb.

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The whole of the exterior is lovingly rubbed with rhubarb therefore,

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this fantastic velodrome creates jobs and employment for English rhubarb growers.

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We rubbed the roof with rhubarb!

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And that's not all, Britain, the bikes are made from aubergines and I am 80% broccoli!

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Have a look at this shocking report.

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A three-year-old has been treated

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for alcoholism by staff at an NHS hospital in the Midlands.

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In Birmingham there's a three-year-old alcoholic!

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It's unbelievable, isn't it?

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The youngest alcoholic in Britain and he's not from Scotland.

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What I want to know is how can they tell, all three year olds are like drunks.

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They can't walk, they're always crying, they talk random bollocks!

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"When I'm big, I'm going to be a tiger."

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Are you pissed? "No, I'm three."

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Imagine a toddler in rehab. "My name is Simon and I'm an alcoholic.

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"But I'm also an aeroplane!"

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I've got this image of him spitting into a sandpit.

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I love the little toddler just rubbing his back.

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"It's all right, Simon, we're going to get through this."

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"I just wanted to be like Charlie Sheen."

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"I'm winning."

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To be honest, no wonder kids are hitting the booze.

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If I had to watch this I'd be on 20 pints a day.

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Makka Pakka, Akka Whakka, Mikka, Makka Roo!

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Makka Pakka, Akka Yakka, Ikka Akka, Oo! Hum dum Akka

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-Pang, Ying, Yang, Oo... Makka Pakka, Akka Whakka, Nikka Makka Woo!

-Argh!

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Mum! Get the brandy!

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There's a condom talking weird!

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Mind you, if you think three-year-olds drink a lot here you should seem them on holiday.

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# We're England... #

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Now some cracking food stories knocking around.

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First up, take a look at a rather unusual new type of ice-cream.

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It's beautiful, it's organic, it's free-range, totally natural,

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it's good enough for my kids, it's good enough for our ice-cream.

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Mmm, sounds lovely. I wonder what the special ingredient is?

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The crucial ingredient, human breast milk.

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Breast milk ice-cream?

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I tell you, this brings a whole new meaning to the term, slush puppies.

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Have you seen what it's called?

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It's called Baby Gaga and from tomorrow it'll be served

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by the scoop by this impersonator.

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Baby Gaga breast milk! What next Justin Bieber jizz biscuits?!

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How does it work?

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Does Gaga donate the milk herself?

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Donated by a woman from Leeds...

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"Plenty more where that came from!

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"Ben & Jerry's has got nothing on my Yorkshire Puddings."

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Trouble is, what if it becomes really popular?

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This poor woman will be locked in a shed, hooked up to a machine.

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"Stop it, you bastards!

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"I'm dry!

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"I'm dry."

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I hope it doesn't get too popular. It will really change Mr Whippy.

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Can I have some of your lovely ice-cream?

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No problem, love.

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Do you want a flake with that, love?

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From breast milk ice-cream to something even more incredible, whatever you're doing, stop.

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You're about to have your mind blown to smithereens.

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This is one of the most amazing news stories I've ever seen.

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Take a look at this giant egg from a farm in south-eastern Iowa.

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The egg came from a chicken named Ossie and it measures more than three inches long and weighs four ounces.

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Look how it compares with a normal egg.

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Holy shit!

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Are you getting this? Look at the size of that egg.

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I wonder how big it is compared to a Coke can.

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Amazing!

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Why did they compare it with a Coke can?

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Do you reckon they measure everything in soft drinks?

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"How big's your baby? Six Fantas."

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"That's nothing. I've got a horse as tall as 89 Dr Peppers."

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You're probably thinking, and quite rightly, "How did this make the news?"

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I reckon is was because it was found by Cletus off The Simpsons.

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"I was trembling.

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"It was the biggest egg I'd ever seen.

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"I knew something was up because the chicken was all like..."

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"And then, when the egg arrived,

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"I looked at this big egg and I thought, "My god...

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"That is a big egg.

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"If only I had a special place for this big egg and then it came to me.

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"I'll put it on my pants."

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So, did he keep this discovery to himself?

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I love him, he took his egg and showed it to complete strangers.

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"Mr Fireman, look at this egg."

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"Mr Mayor, we've got to celebrate.

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"We should call today, I don't know,

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"Big Egg Day or some shit."

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As for Ossie, he said she took a week off before laying her next egg.

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"She had to, her ass looked like a yawning hippo."

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LAUGHTER

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Now there's been some absolutely bizarre crime stories in the news.

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First up, let's pop over to America.

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This guy, Terry Lester, from Waseca is charged with making bombs.

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Lester is accused of building the bomb into a female sex toy

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and planning to detonate it when his ex-girlfriend was using the device.

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GASPS

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Well, that is what I call a bitter break-up.

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Surely just block her on Facebook.

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He's clearly a psycho.

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To be honest, you'd be fairly suspicious if you were the girl.

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"I know we're not going out any more but here's a dildo.

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"Don't use it now. Give it 20 minutes...

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"Enjoy yourself!

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"Evil witch!"

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In fairness, though, it'd be a lovely way to go.

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Dying as you orgasm. Rrrr...

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"Oh, my God!"

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"Somebody say my name?

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"Hey, baby, want to meet Jesus?"

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Back on earth, that's the worst impression of God you'll ever see.

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Back on earth, this next story is just wonderful.

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32-year-old Leon Ingram has now been jailed for three years

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for a number of burglary and shoplifting offences.

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He was jailed because he broke into someone's house and got beaten up.

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I wonder who kicked his head in.

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CHEERING

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Good old lady!

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CHEERING

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Look at this headline.

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I love it. I love it when a pensioner beats up a thug,

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especially when they're as funny as this little lady.

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I gave him a crushing blow on the head. Like that.

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Two or three times.

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He said, "Let me go. Let me go!"

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"Let me go! Let me GO!"

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No wonder he was scared, she turned into a gremlin.

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So, did she let him go?

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"Let me go. Let me go."

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But, no.

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LAUGHTER

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"Fuck him!

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"I put a muzzle on him and took him down to my dungeon.

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"I beat him over and over.

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"You don't mess with Doris!

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"I played his skull like a drum."

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Staying with burglary there's an evil thief on the loose in California.

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Neighbours in San Mateo, California are getting back their stolen goods.

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Hundreds of items pilfered over three years, all by one culprit.

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What monster has been stealing from his neighbours?

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Dusty the cat.

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Nicknamed Klepto, Dusty stalks the streets of San Mateo at night.

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Towels, gloves, shoes, socks...

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..little toys, children's toys.

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A cat stealing clothes, he's like a feline Gok Wan.

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The weirdest thing, have you seen what his favourite items are?

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He especially likes bathing suits, drying outside.

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He stole Kelly McClellan's bikini bottom.

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Why is he stealing bikinis?

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Do you reckon Dusty's out back with his ladies.

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Nicking underwear, I tell you, he'd be a great alibi if you're having an affair.

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"Russell, why the hell is there a thong on the floor?" "Dusty!"

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"There's a woman in the cupboard."

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"Dusty!"

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"Why are you naked and tied to the bed?" "Dusty..."

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"You've got an erection."

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"Dusty?"

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The best thing about this story is they've been videoing him at night to catch him in the act.

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The TV network animal cameraman,

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recently installed a camera outside their house.

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They captured his nightly forays for a week.

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Poor cameraman, filming a cat steal a bra.

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Mind you, it's a good job he's not stealing sex toys.

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MEOW!

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Welcome to my first mystery guest of the series.

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The production team have found me someone who's been in the news recently

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and I have to find out more about them. So, please welcome my mystery guest.

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APPLAUSE

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Thank you.

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Nice to meet you. Oh...

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LAUGHTER

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Sorry, can I move that?

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Yeah, yeah, sure. It's, um...

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-You never saw Parkinson doing an interview like this.

-No.

-Wouldn't that have been better, though?

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You don't see enough interviews where the interviewer has a knife.

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Lovely, great, so what are you flogging?

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Right, have I got a guest... So there's burgers, there's a dog...

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-It's all relevant.

-It's all relevant?

-Yeah.

-OK.

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-What's your name?

-Vin.

-Nice to meet you, I'm Russ.

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Have you and your dog been surviving in the wild?

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-No, this is not my dog.

-It's not your dog? All right.

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A bike here, but only half a bike.

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Have you been living rough or something?

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I've roughed it a bit, with the bike.

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What's this dog got to do with things?

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It was a bit of a bad experience in Libya.

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OK, right.

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Got it, got it, right.

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Have you cycled to Libya?

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-Yes.

-Is that it? Is that the news?

-No, that's not it.

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-That wasn't enough?

-That was part of it.

-Have you cycled round the world?

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-I have, yeah.

-There you go! That was sort of quick. There you go.

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OK...is that the specific reason you're in the news?

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Yes, I broke the Guinness World Record for cycling around the world.

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-I did it in 163 days, 6 hours and 58 minutes.

-Fantastic.

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That's worth another round of applause.

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So what happened with this dog, then, in Libya? What was this?

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I had a bit of a problem with dysentery, which is what this signifies, so I wasn't

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in a terribly good physical state, but I was going for a record, you've got to keep riding.

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And, um, I found that...

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-For a second, I thought you meant you were going for a record... No, no! Five days...aaah!

-Dogs in Libya

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live in packs and they saw me coming and thought,

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-"There's some roadkill we can make happen!"

-Oh, great(!)

-So I was chased

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repeatedly through Libya by packs of wild rabid dogs.

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Because you had a smelly arse?

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I think because I was weakened by the dysentery I was going slow enough for them to think they could catch,

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and they were nipping at my ankles a few times, and they were going to kill me and rip me apart.

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So, presumably, you went fairly quickly through Libya?

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-Yeah.

-That would work, wouldn't it?

-It was quite motivating.

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They should do that in the velodrome.

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Chris Hoy's fast enough as it is, but if we gave him a gippy tummy

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and had a Rottweiler behind him, he'd really shift, wouldn't he?

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So, have you got another thing planned?

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I've got a few little adventures planned, but obviously nothing's bigger than the world now.

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-That's the problem, isn't it?

-It is a bit of a problem.

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I'd like to take my wife on some adventures.

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-Oh, you're married? Nice, excellent.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

-Look at that!

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How is that "aww"? "Darling, would you like to come with me?

0:22:100:22:14

"There's every chance your arse will be in tatters,

0:22:140:22:16

"a dog will chase you and people will wave swords." "I'll stay at home."

0:22:160:22:20

No, no, she's very adventurous herself.

0:22:200:22:23

The day before I went away around the world, she went away to climb Kilimanjaro with a load of children.

0:22:230:22:29

Wow. Did they want to go, or did she...?

0:22:290:22:31

-Yeah, yeah.

-Just a really extreme Pied Piper.

0:22:310:22:34

Does adventure run in your family?

0:22:340:22:37

-Yeah.

-What does your dad do?

-My Dad?

0:22:370:22:40

He's retired now, but his hobby is president of a pothole club.

0:22:400:22:44

-Of a bottle club?

-Pothole.

-A pothole club.

-Yeah, caving.

-Oh, yeah.

0:22:440:22:49

That's how he met my mum, they were both into potholing.

0:22:490:22:52

Um, er...

0:22:520:22:54

LAUGHTER

0:22:540:22:56

It just sounds... That was an Alan Partridge moment, wasn't it?

0:22:560:23:00

They were into potholing.

0:23:000:23:01

-And mountaineering and other adventurous stuff like that. Yeah.

-There you go.

0:23:010:23:06

What an excellent way of ending a lovely random interview. Genuinely,

0:23:060:23:09

it's nice to meet you, Vin. Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my mystery guest.

0:23:090:23:15

# It's not about the money money money

0:23:150:23:16

# We don't need your money money money

0:23:160:23:19

# We just wanna make the world dance... #

0:23:190:23:22

Look at the latest drug craze sweeping America.

0:23:220:23:25

Young people have reportedly been snorting or smoking

0:23:250:23:29

common bath salts in an attempts to get high.

0:23:290:23:32

Kids are getting high on bath salts? Who's their dealer - this guy?

0:23:320:23:36

How does it work? Are there kids just walking up and down, "Yo, man, got any Radox?"

0:23:400:23:45

Just getting in the bath... "I feel so rejuvenated."

0:23:450:23:49

I tell you what, I would not fancy tripping in the bath.

0:23:500:23:52

Stop it! Stop it!

0:23:520:23:56

Look at you! You're in a bath

0:23:560:23:58

talking to a duck. You used to be on Mock The Week!

0:23:580:24:02

Too freaky! Argh!

0:24:030:24:06

Look at the size of my egg.

0:24:060:24:10

HE SCREAMS

0:24:100:24:13

Oh, man, have you seen the latest creepy fad hitting London?

0:24:170:24:22

When you've had a difficult day at work and a stressful commute home,

0:24:220:24:25

sometimes a simple hug can make everything, well, seem better again.

0:24:250:24:30

So what do you do if you haven't got anyone to cuddle at home?

0:24:300:24:34

Have a wank?

0:24:340:24:35

This is the cuddle workshop,

0:24:390:24:41

a new idea where complete strangers

0:24:410:24:45

pay up to £24 each to cuddle each other.

0:24:450:24:49

Of course, it may not be for the reserved or shy,

0:24:490:24:53

but for some there's no better way to spend an afternoon.

0:24:530:24:57

Get off me!

0:24:590:25:01

Get off me! What kind of person would go to a cuddle club?

0:25:010:25:05

I like the fact that it's not... DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER

0:25:050:25:08

24 quid just to cuddle a stranger?

0:25:080:25:12

In Soho, for 24 quid,

0:25:120:25:15

they'll do stuff so mad you'll end up walking home like this.

0:25:150:25:20

They're saying people shouldn't be overly concerned this evening...

0:25:200:25:24

Do you want to meet the guy who runs the club?

0:25:240:25:26

There are lots of people living in London who are not getting

0:25:260:25:31

the quality of touch that they would really like.

0:25:310:25:34

I'm always seeing blokes weeping in the street. "What is it, mate?"

0:25:340:25:37

"I'm not getting the quality of touch I need."

0:25:370:25:41

It's London. If you want to be rubbed all over by strangers, get on the Underground.

0:25:410:25:45

The other day I was so crammed in, I'd been on the train 20 minutes before I realised I was in a woman.

0:25:450:25:51

Nightmare. "I'm terribly sorry, madam.

0:25:530:25:56

"I've accidentally shagged you.

0:25:560:25:58

"They warned me, they told me to mind the gap, and yet here I am."

0:25:580:26:02

That's a joke! That is a joke.

0:26:030:26:06

I don't take the Tube.

0:26:080:26:09

And finally tonight a humbling story about Kirstie Mills.

0:26:160:26:19

Her relentless optimism in the face of cystic fibrosis is beautiful and life-affirming.

0:26:190:26:24

She may look like any young bride-to-be,

0:26:280:26:31

planning her wedding in June without a care in the world,

0:26:310:26:34

but this is the other painful side of life for fitness instructor Kirstie Mills.

0:26:340:26:40

SHE COUGHS

0:26:400:26:43

She describes her day-to-day life in a moving, sometimes funny, but tragic blog.

0:26:430:26:49

Kirstie's illness has got to the stage where everything is a struggle.

0:26:520:26:55

She's been told she has a 50% chance of living another two years.

0:26:550:27:00

But Kirstie remains positive.

0:27:000:27:04

Some people suggested putting my wedding off

0:27:040:27:07

until after I have a transplant, but, for me, that's not an option.

0:27:070:27:11

If I don't get a transplant, I won't get married.

0:27:110:27:14

I've got to carry on living, I've got to try and live my life now in case that transplant doesn't happen.

0:27:140:27:21

A card-carrying donor herself, the humbling thing about this young woman

0:27:210:27:26

is the way she always looks for the positive from her inevitable early death.

0:27:260:27:31

My heart won't actually go to anyone, but my valves would,

0:27:310:27:36

my kidneys would most likely be able to go to someone, and so would many of my other organs.

0:27:360:27:40

So, you know, even if I die and I don't get a transplant,

0:27:410:27:48

something will have come out, someone will get saved, hopefully.

0:27:480:27:54

There you go, what a wonderful human being.

0:27:540:27:56

Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you've really enjoyed the first show.

0:27:560:27:58

Thank you, and goodnight.

0:27:580:28:00

APPLAUSE

0:28:000:28:02

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.

0:28:160:28:19

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:190:28:22

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