Episode 1 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

APPLAUSE

Hello! Thank you.

Thanks very much.

Hello and welcome to the new series of Good News.

Now I couldn't start the show without showing you my favourite clip from the winter.

Have you been waiting a long time?

Too long?

His excitement got the better of him when his uncle did arrive.

I cannot tell you how many times I've watched that!

I'm feeling a bit down, little boy, trolley. Ah.

Is it me or is this guy the most possessive boyfriend in the world, ever?

It's a man that's not even talking... It needs to be stopped.

I tell you what, teaching standards in this country have gone to shit!

Two plus two is vagina. Vagina. Vagina.

Pretty sure it's four.

Anyone else spot that bloke on the news with rickets?

So they're saying people shouldn't be overly concerned.

And, finally, a word of advice:

Don't blow your nose near a child.

They really don't like it.

< NOSE BLOWING

Let's be honest, the news lately has been pretty heavy.

First of all we had the tragedy in Japan... I'm not going to do any crass jokes.

What I will say is whenever a catastrophe occurs you can rely on some people to behave like morons.

Let's start with Sky News who thought this advert was appropriate.

Lesson 24. How to ride a wave.

Book now at ba.com/barbados.

It's unbelievable, isn't it?

What are they going to do next, a bloke's been savaged by a tiger.

Roll advert, Frosties!

They're g-g-g-g-reat!

Mind you, the Sky slip-up was nothing compared to this.

Outrage on a UCLA campus, a student goes on the Internet with a racist rant directed

at Asian students just hours after that massive earthquake his Japan.

She was complaining about Asian students using their phones in the library. Did you hear what she said?

I'll be like deep into my studying, into my political science theories

and arguments, and all that stuff, typing away furiously blah, blah, blah.

Then, all of a sudden, when I'm about to reach an epiphany...

Over here from somewhere, "Aw! Aw! Ching chung..."

Are you freaking kidding me? I swear they're going through

their whole families, just checking on everybody from the tsunami thing.

The tsunami thing?! The thing?!

What's she studying, a degree in being a BLEEP!

Mind you, it's hardly surprising she made it onto the news,

she's a middle American dream, a racist with massive tits!

I bet Sarah Palin was livid. "She's stealing my act! "Right, puppies?"

The other major story of the week was, of course, Libya.

Western forces have been attacking targets along the Libyan coast

and from the sea and from the air.

Did you see how the papers covered the air strike?

The Telegraph went with, "British forces attack Gaddafi."

The Observer said, "Allied strikes sweep Libya" and what was the front page of The Sun?

Jordan!

"There's a bit of me in those big fat gypsies."

I think we all know which bit.

Have you seen what they've called the air strike?

Operation Odyssey Dawn.

Let's be honest, that sounds like a porno, doesn't it?

Operation Odyssey Dawn...

They should have called it, Operation "We Don't Want

Another Iraq But We Sold Libya The Weapons In The First Place

So We've Kind Of Got To Do Something About It And Besides There's A Lot Of Oil There" - Dawn.

Do you know, Gaddafi's nickname is Mad Dog.

Call me naive but selling weapons to a dictator called Mad Dog?!

Probably going to come back to haunt you.

That's like hiring a babysitter called Rapey Dave.

Gaddafi is clearly delusional.

Some were against you...

No-one against us. Against me for what?

They love me, all my people are with me. They love me all.

Really?

I hate Muammar Gaddafi.

Gaddafi here is the same as Hitler and Mussolini. Gaddafi Fascist.

If he is not going to leave we are going to kill him.

Mind you, the signs of madness have always been there.

This is a previous quote of his:

The man has the right to be in charge of his country,

even if looks like Sylvester Stallone's mum.

So, back in Britain, the countdown to the Olympics has finally begun

with the unveiling of the Olympic clock.

If it wasn't real before, it is now.

While we've been on air, the London Olympics unveiled their countdown clock for 2012.

Pretty exciting, 2012, here we come.

Remember last night we showed you the start of the London Olympic countdown clock.

Well, today it stopped.

It's so classically British, it broke after one day.

I bet there were people going, "It's broke.

"Have you tried turning it off and on again?

"Take the batteries out and rub it on your jumper."

"Try drinking some water... Oh, that's hiccups."

We are so hopeless, aren't we?

To be honest, it's little wonder the clock stopped when you consider this man's in charge.

Mind you, Boris has got other things on his mind.

Like, thisnews reader's ass.

Alice Bhandhukravi who's there...

That's right and I'm glad to say I'm joined Mayor Boris Johnson...

I love the bit when he's caught.

"Look at that... Oh, hello."

He's been on spectacular form.

Listen to what he believes builders rubbed on the Olympic velodrome.

Rhubarb.

It is lovingly rubbed with rhubarb.

The whole of the exterior is lovingly rubbed with rhubarb therefore,

this fantastic velodrome creates jobs and employment for English rhubarb growers.

We rubbed the roof with rhubarb!

And that's not all, Britain, the bikes are made from aubergines and I am 80% broccoli!

Have a look at this shocking report.

A three-year-old has been treated

for alcoholism by staff at an NHS hospital in the Midlands.

In Birmingham there's a three-year-old alcoholic!

It's unbelievable, isn't it?

The youngest alcoholic in Britain and he's not from Scotland.

What I want to know is how can they tell, all three year olds are like drunks.

They can't walk, they're always crying, they talk random bollocks!

"When I'm big, I'm going to be a tiger."

Are you pissed? "No, I'm three."

Imagine a toddler in rehab. "My name is Simon and I'm an alcoholic.

"But I'm also an aeroplane!"

I've got this image of him spitting into a sandpit.

I love the little toddler just rubbing his back.

"It's all right, Simon, we're going to get through this."

"I just wanted to be like Charlie Sheen."

"I'm winning."

To be honest, no wonder kids are hitting the booze.

If I had to watch this I'd be on 20 pints a day.

Makka Pakka, Akka Whakka, Mikka, Makka Roo!

Makka Pakka, Akka Yakka, Ikka Akka, Oo! Hum dum Akka

-Pang, Ying, Yang, Oo... Makka Pakka, Akka Whakka, Nikka Makka Woo!

-Argh!

Mum! Get the brandy!

There's a condom talking weird!

Mind you, if you think three-year-olds drink a lot here you should seem them on holiday.

# We're England... #

Now some cracking food stories knocking around.

First up, take a look at a rather unusual new type of ice-cream.

It's beautiful, it's organic, it's free-range, totally natural,

it's good enough for my kids, it's good enough for our ice-cream.

Mmm, sounds lovely. I wonder what the special ingredient is?

The crucial ingredient, human breast milk.

Breast milk ice-cream?

I tell you, this brings a whole new meaning to the term, slush puppies.

Have you seen what it's called?

It's called Baby Gaga and from tomorrow it'll be served

by the scoop by this impersonator.

Baby Gaga breast milk! What next Justin Bieber jizz biscuits?!

How does it work?

Does Gaga donate the milk herself?

Donated by a woman from Leeds...

"Plenty more where that came from!

"Ben & Jerry's has got nothing on my Yorkshire Puddings."

Trouble is, what if it becomes really popular?

This poor woman will be locked in a shed, hooked up to a machine.

"Stop it, you bastards!

"I'm dry!

"I'm dry."

I hope it doesn't get too popular. It will really change Mr Whippy.

Can I have some of your lovely ice-cream?

No problem, love.

Do you want a flake with that, love?

From breast milk ice-cream to something even more incredible, whatever you're doing, stop.

You're about to have your mind blown to smithereens.

This is one of the most amazing news stories I've ever seen.

Take a look at this giant egg from a farm in south-eastern Iowa.

The egg came from a chicken named Ossie and it measures more than three inches long and weighs four ounces.

Look how it compares with a normal egg.

Holy shit!

Are you getting this? Look at the size of that egg.

I wonder how big it is compared to a Coke can.

Amazing!

Why did they compare it with a Coke can?

Do you reckon they measure everything in soft drinks?

"How big's your baby? Six Fantas."

"That's nothing. I've got a horse as tall as 89 Dr Peppers."

You're probably thinking, and quite rightly, "How did this make the news?"

I reckon is was because it was found by Cletus off The Simpsons.

"I was trembling.

"It was the biggest egg I'd ever seen.

"I knew something was up because the chicken was all like..."

"And then, when the egg arrived,

"I looked at this big egg and I thought, "My god...

"That is a big egg.

"If only I had a special place for this big egg and then it came to me.

"I'll put it on my pants."

So, did he keep this discovery to himself?

I love him, he took his egg and showed it to complete strangers.

"Mr Fireman, look at this egg."

"Mr Mayor, we've got to celebrate.

"We should call today, I don't know,

"Big Egg Day or some shit."

As for Ossie, he said she took a week off before laying her next egg.

"She had to, her ass looked like a yawning hippo."

LAUGHTER

Now there's been some absolutely bizarre crime stories in the news.

First up, let's pop over to America.

This guy, Terry Lester, from Waseca is charged with making bombs.

Lester is accused of building the bomb into a female sex toy

and planning to detonate it when his ex-girlfriend was using the device.

GASPS

Well, that is what I call a bitter break-up.

Surely just block her on Facebook.

He's clearly a psycho.

To be honest, you'd be fairly suspicious if you were the girl.

"I know we're not going out any more but here's a dildo.

"Don't use it now. Give it 20 minutes...

"Enjoy yourself!

"Evil witch!"

In fairness, though, it'd be a lovely way to go.

Dying as you orgasm. Rrrr...

"Oh, my God!"

"Somebody say my name?

"Hey, baby, want to meet Jesus?"

Back on earth, that's the worst impression of God you'll ever see.

Back on earth, this next story is just wonderful.

32-year-old Leon Ingram has now been jailed for three years

for a number of burglary and shoplifting offences.

He was jailed because he broke into someone's house and got beaten up.

I wonder who kicked his head in.

CHEERING

Good old lady!

CHEERING

Look at this headline.

I love it. I love it when a pensioner beats up a thug,

especially when they're as funny as this little lady.

I gave him a crushing blow on the head. Like that.

Two or three times.

He said, "Let me go. Let me go!"

"Let me go! Let me GO!"

No wonder he was scared, she turned into a gremlin.

So, did she let him go?

"Let me go. Let me go."

But, no.

LAUGHTER

"Fuck him!

"I put a muzzle on him and took him down to my dungeon.

"I beat him over and over.

"You don't mess with Doris!

"I played his skull like a drum."

Staying with burglary there's an evil thief on the loose in California.

Neighbours in San Mateo, California are getting back their stolen goods.

Hundreds of items pilfered over three years, all by one culprit.

What monster has been stealing from his neighbours?

Dusty the cat.

Nicknamed Klepto, Dusty stalks the streets of San Mateo at night.

Towels, gloves, shoes, socks...

..little toys, children's toys.

A cat stealing clothes, he's like a feline Gok Wan.

The weirdest thing, have you seen what his favourite items are?

He especially likes bathing suits, drying outside.

He stole Kelly McClellan's bikini bottom.

Why is he stealing bikinis?

Do you reckon Dusty's out back with his ladies.

Nicking underwear, I tell you, he'd be a great alibi if you're having an affair.

"Russell, why the hell is there a thong on the floor?" "Dusty!"

"There's a woman in the cupboard."

"Dusty!"

"Why are you naked and tied to the bed?" "Dusty..."

"You've got an erection."

"Dusty?"

The best thing about this story is they've been videoing him at night to catch him in the act.

The TV network animal cameraman,

recently installed a camera outside their house.

They captured his nightly forays for a week.

Poor cameraman, filming a cat steal a bra.

Mind you, it's a good job he's not stealing sex toys.

MEOW!

Welcome to my first mystery guest of the series.

The production team have found me someone who's been in the news recently

and I have to find out more about them. So, please welcome my mystery guest.

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Nice to meet you. Oh...

LAUGHTER

Sorry, can I move that?

Yeah, yeah, sure. It's, um...

-You never saw Parkinson doing an interview like this.

-No.

-Wouldn't that have been better, though?

You don't see enough interviews where the interviewer has a knife.

Lovely, great, so what are you flogging?

Right, have I got a guest... So there's burgers, there's a dog...

-It's all relevant.

-It's all relevant?

-Yeah.

-OK.

-What's your name?

-Vin.

-Nice to meet you, I'm Russ.

Have you and your dog been surviving in the wild?

-No, this is not my dog.

-It's not your dog? All right.

A bike here, but only half a bike.

Have you been living rough or something?

I've roughed it a bit, with the bike.

What's this dog got to do with things?

It was a bit of a bad experience in Libya.

OK, right.

Got it, got it, right.

Have you cycled to Libya?

-Yes.

-Is that it? Is that the news?

-No, that's not it.

-That wasn't enough?

-That was part of it.

-Have you cycled round the world?

-I have, yeah.

-There you go! That was sort of quick. There you go.

OK...is that the specific reason you're in the news?

Yes, I broke the Guinness World Record for cycling around the world.

-I did it in 163 days, 6 hours and 58 minutes.

-Fantastic.

That's worth another round of applause.

So what happened with this dog, then, in Libya? What was this?

I had a bit of a problem with dysentery, which is what this signifies, so I wasn't

in a terribly good physical state, but I was going for a record, you've got to keep riding.

And, um, I found that...

-For a second, I thought you meant you were going for a record... No, no! Five days...aaah!

-Dogs in Libya

live in packs and they saw me coming and thought,

-"There's some roadkill we can make happen!"

-Oh, great(!)

-So I was chased

repeatedly through Libya by packs of wild rabid dogs.

Because you had a smelly arse?

I think because I was weakened by the dysentery I was going slow enough for them to think they could catch,

and they were nipping at my ankles a few times, and they were going to kill me and rip me apart.

So, presumably, you went fairly quickly through Libya?

-Yeah.

-That would work, wouldn't it?

-It was quite motivating.

They should do that in the velodrome.

Chris Hoy's fast enough as it is, but if we gave him a gippy tummy

and had a Rottweiler behind him, he'd really shift, wouldn't he?

So, have you got another thing planned?

I've got a few little adventures planned, but obviously nothing's bigger than the world now.

-That's the problem, isn't it?

-It is a bit of a problem.

I'd like to take my wife on some adventures.

-Oh, you're married? Nice, excellent.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

-Look at that!

How is that "aww"? "Darling, would you like to come with me?

"There's every chance your arse will be in tatters,

"a dog will chase you and people will wave swords." "I'll stay at home."

No, no, she's very adventurous herself.

The day before I went away around the world, she went away to climb Kilimanjaro with a load of children.

Wow. Did they want to go, or did she...?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Just a really extreme Pied Piper.

Does adventure run in your family?

-Yeah.

-What does your dad do?

-My Dad?

He's retired now, but his hobby is president of a pothole club.

-Of a bottle club?

-Pothole.

-A pothole club.

-Yeah, caving.

-Oh, yeah.

That's how he met my mum, they were both into potholing.

Um, er...

LAUGHTER

It just sounds... That was an Alan Partridge moment, wasn't it?

They were into potholing.

-And mountaineering and other adventurous stuff like that. Yeah.

-There you go.

What an excellent way of ending a lovely random interview. Genuinely,

it's nice to meet you, Vin. Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my mystery guest.

# It's not about the money money money

# We don't need your money money money

# We just wanna make the world dance... #

Look at the latest drug craze sweeping America.

Young people have reportedly been snorting or smoking

common bath salts in an attempts to get high.

Kids are getting high on bath salts? Who's their dealer - this guy?

How does it work? Are there kids just walking up and down, "Yo, man, got any Radox?"

Just getting in the bath... "I feel so rejuvenated."

I tell you what, I would not fancy tripping in the bath.

Stop it! Stop it!

Look at you! You're in a bath

talking to a duck. You used to be on Mock The Week!

Too freaky! Argh!

Look at the size of my egg.

HE SCREAMS

Oh, man, have you seen the latest creepy fad hitting London?

When you've had a difficult day at work and a stressful commute home,

sometimes a simple hug can make everything, well, seem better again.

So what do you do if you haven't got anyone to cuddle at home?

Have a wank?

This is the cuddle workshop,

a new idea where complete strangers

pay up to £24 each to cuddle each other.

Of course, it may not be for the reserved or shy,

but for some there's no better way to spend an afternoon.

Get off me!

Get off me! What kind of person would go to a cuddle club?

I like the fact that it's not... DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER

24 quid just to cuddle a stranger?

In Soho, for 24 quid,

they'll do stuff so mad you'll end up walking home like this.

They're saying people shouldn't be overly concerned this evening...

Do you want to meet the guy who runs the club?

There are lots of people living in London who are not getting

the quality of touch that they would really like.

I'm always seeing blokes weeping in the street. "What is it, mate?"

"I'm not getting the quality of touch I need."

It's London. If you want to be rubbed all over by strangers, get on the Underground.

The other day I was so crammed in, I'd been on the train 20 minutes before I realised I was in a woman.

Nightmare. "I'm terribly sorry, madam.

"I've accidentally shagged you.

"They warned me, they told me to mind the gap, and yet here I am."

That's a joke! That is a joke.

I don't take the Tube.

And finally tonight a humbling story about Kirstie Mills.

Her relentless optimism in the face of cystic fibrosis is beautiful and life-affirming.

She may look like any young bride-to-be,

planning her wedding in June without a care in the world,

but this is the other painful side of life for fitness instructor Kirstie Mills.

SHE COUGHS

She describes her day-to-day life in a moving, sometimes funny, but tragic blog.

Kirstie's illness has got to the stage where everything is a struggle.

She's been told she has a 50% chance of living another two years.

But Kirstie remains positive.

Some people suggested putting my wedding off

until after I have a transplant, but, for me, that's not an option.

If I don't get a transplant, I won't get married.

I've got to carry on living, I've got to try and live my life now in case that transplant doesn't happen.

A card-carrying donor herself, the humbling thing about this young woman

is the way she always looks for the positive from her inevitable early death.

My heart won't actually go to anyone, but my valves would,

my kidneys would most likely be able to go to someone, and so would many of my other organs.

So, you know, even if I die and I don't get a transplant,

something will have come out, someone will get saved, hopefully.

There you go, what a wonderful human being.

Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you've really enjoyed the first show.

Thank you, and goodnight.

APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.

E-mail [email protected]