Best Bits Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much indeed.

Hello... hello...hello

and welcome to my Christmas edition of Good News Best Bits.

We've covered a lot of stories.

Here are some of my favourite ones. Enjoy!

Probably the biggest story of the summer -

sexual icon Eamonn Holmes

can make women orgasm just by saying their name.

Good morning, Isobel.

Ohh!

LAUGHTER

Over in Russia, this newsreader was caught in the act.

If you're planning to interrupt someone on the news,

this is how you do it.

HE MIAOWS

HE BARKS

LAUGHTER

HE OINKS

A human who makes an animal noise?

If only there was an animal who makes human noises?

Perhaps a cat who could say "no".

No, no, no, no, no!

And finally, it may just be me, but I think this bloke's in love.

I don't think so, actually...

# Never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight

# Never seen you shine so bright... #

APPLAUSE

So the big news for me was this.

-LAUGHTER

-I broke my hand!

In case you didn't see what happened,

last week, basically I broke it doing press-ups

on a breakable stool.

CHEERING

LAUGHTER

-I love that.

-APPLAUSE

-Not "aw".

-CHEERING

I thought you were going to go "aw" and you all applauded.

LAUGHTER

Weird lot. "Oh, look, he can barely move his hand!"

I was in agony!

Still, you can rely on your mates in a crisis.

Here's some texts I received minutes after the news broke.

Here's one from my mate, Steve.

And my personal favourite

came from my filthy toad of a brother.

-LAUGHTER

-Cheers, bruv!

Next up, it's all been kicking off at a farm in Basildon.

Police and bailiffs are now in almost total control of Dale Farm

after storming the illegal travellers' site at dawn.

There were violent clashes as bricks and missiles were thrown

and the police responded with tasers.

Did anyone see the protesters on the scaffold?

'It pretty much means that

'the police have taken control

'of the lion's share of Dale Farm.'

I was watching it, thinking,

"Where have I seen that before?"

VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Over in Europe,

the big news was all about money.

'Greece's political crisis continues.

-'Stock markets tumble.

-Investors and markets panic.

'The stakes could not be higher.

'Prime Minister Papandreou agrees to step down.

'Buried under eurozone debt,

'Italy's Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi, says he will resign.

'Austerity might bring the eurozone to its knees.'

The leaders of the G20 met to solve the financial crisis.

They were all totally focussed.

Well, not all of them.

He fell asleep!

Italy has debts of 1.6 trillion!

And he went beddy-byes!

Bizarrely, he's not worried about the economy or sex scandals.

This is honestly his major concern.

He is bringing out an album of love songs!

His country is crumbling and he's going,

# They call me Mr Boombastic...#

Mind you, for all me criticising him,

I can't wait for that album to come out.

ITALIAN-STYLE MANDOLIN MUSIC

'It's here! Now That's What I Call Bunga Bunga 69...

'Berlusconi's big thumbs-up to his favourite vanga beats,

'featuring classic love songs like...

'and the haunting ballad...

'Bunga Bunga 69!

'It's Viagra for your ears!'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You've really got to buy that. Everyone, buy that.

Now over to Egypt

and an insane story about a bloke who resembles a dead man.

'An Egyptian man shares an unfortunate doppelganger,

'executed Iraqi dictator, Saddam Hussein.'

They're not lying. Check this out.

So you're probably thinking, "Now Saddam's dead,

"I doubt his life is that bad."

Unbelievable, isn't it?

Nobody sees that coming!

LAUGHTER

"Who does that bloke look like?" "Know what we could make him do."

Yeah! Saddam Hussein porn.

Can you imagine the trailer?

-'70s STYLE DISCO MUSIC

-'We thought he had weapons of mass destruction,

'turns out he had a weapon

'of ass destruction.

'Saddam Hussein is...

'The Dick-tator.

'Coming soon!'

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

Take a look at this sex shop in Russia.

'Casanova 69

'is offering kids and adults the chance to win an unspecified gift

'if they can answer one simple question -

'where do babies come from?'

That's right. A Russian sex shop is offering children

an "unspecified gift",

if they can tell them where babies come from.

It makes obvious sense, doesn't it? Remember when you were little,

how much you wanted something from a sex shop?

I remember Christmas.

"Dear Santa,

"please can I have some crayons, a bike

"and a vibrating butt plug?"

LAUGHTER

I never got that bike!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I'm worried by this news.

If sex shops are trying to appeal to kids,

how long before we start seeing children's TV shows like this?

Hi, kids!

I'm Mr Dildo!

'Where's Mr Dildo hiding today?

'Is he in Mummy?'

'Is he in Daddy?'

'Where, oh where, could Mr Dildo be?'

CROCKERY RATTLES

LAUGHTER

'Mr Dildo...

'you are naughty!'

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

A new book has been published this week about X-rays,

showing the many varied things that people have inserted into their arseholes.

'The X-rays are all in a new book called

'Stuck Up! 100 Objects Inserted And Ingested

'In Places They Shouldn't Be.

'Everything from a computer mouse to a cassette tape,

'this string of Christmas lights,

'and this is Barbie, but it isn't her Dream House she's in.'

She was NOT happy!

SCREAMING

The worst thing, this book...

LAUGHTER

..this book was written by doctors.

'It's co-authored by this emergency room physician

'and two other doctors.'

Bastards!

"Hey, Doc, you're not going to tell the world about me

"putting a doll up my arse, are you...?" "Oh, NO...!"

"I'd never do that."

"Have a look at that, Dave, it's like a yawning hippo."

So, what's the number one excuse people come up with in this situation?

"I accidentally fell on an object" -

that's probably the most common accidental story you'll hear.

'And who hasn't sat on their glasses, really, really hard,

'while nude(?)'

Exactly. So, what was the doctors' favourite?

'The doctors' favourite found objects are action figures -

'poor Buzz Lightyear.'

GROANING

"To infinity and... What the fuck is that?!"

LAUGHTER

"Aaaaaaaaagh!"

"All right, Barbie?"

LAUGHTER

That was their favourite - THIS was my favourite.

'A more recent X-ray displays an iPod Nano.'

That's what happens if you play this out loud on the tube.

# Baby, baby, baby, ohhh... #

"Come here, you little sod!"

We'd all do it. We'd all do it.

In a worrying discovery for women...

So basically, girls, you can do whatever you want to look pretty...

but at 10:03 in the morning, it will all fade.

To be honest, I've noticed that myself.

RINGING PHONES, TAPPING KEYBOARDS

Hey, how you doin'?

How YOU doin'?

HE GASPS

What's happening?!

I've been angry in my time, but I've never made a noise like this.

They should be saying,

"It's your show next month, can we put up a couple of signs for you?"

I mean... WEEDY LAUGH

HE MIMICS HIM

Is it me or do some people really fear the North of England?

A woman from Otley has been telling how passengers screamed in terror

as their plane tried to land at Leeds-Bradford Airport.

LAUGHTER

"No-o-o-o-o-o! Not Leeds!"

If you report from a windy pier, you get what you deserve.

But if there's a big wave, I am going to step out just slightly...

And finally, Denise Roberts has got a terrifying stare.

Leave us to get on with it...

When you see it a second time, it gets even scarier.

Leave us to get on with it.

MUSIC: "Carmina Burana" by Carl Orff

An old lady has been the victim of a strange robbery.

Yes, the moral is do not mess with 70-year-old Barbara Gamston

and keep your hands off her meerkats.

Back where they belong, in the arms of Barbara.

This trio of meerkats mean a lot to her.

Someone has stolen an old lady's plastic meerkats.

Look at the blow-the-budget Hollywood-style way

they show this terrible crime.

'And unbeknownst to Barbara,

'spirited away to a house a couple of miles away.

'But a tip-off from a friend led her to them.'

They sellotaped it to a camera.

If you think the way they showed it was good, check out what

Barbara said when she found out someone had nicked

her beloved meerkats.

"When my daughter Samantha came she said, 'Mother, your meerkats have gone.'

"So, I politely said, 'Blow me.' "

LAUGHTER

"Well, we CAN do that, Mum, but...

"we should probably just get the meerkats."

It's such an amazing reaction to a crisis.

-"The meerkats are gone, blow me."

-LAUGHTER

So where were the meerkats?

Well, it turns out they were spotted in a garden three miles away.

Check out what this wonderful woman did to get them back.

An SAS raid?! "Margaret, cover me. Linda, fetch the zip wire."

"If I die, tell Titchmarsh I loved him."

Despite her plan, there was a tragic incident.

'Sadly, not all of them made it. The trio was once a quartet.

'One meerkat was chewed to pieces by an unfriendly dog during the escapade.'

No-o-o-o-o-o-o!

"They've got Roger."

"I loved you SO much, Roger."

"I loved you too.

"But I fear death has come for me."

"You can't die, Roger, you can't die.

"Don't tell the others, but I think you were my favourite."

"Barbara...have you learnt nothing?

"You must never compare the meerkat."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Never com..."

To be honest, we shouldn't feel sorry for Roger.

I found some extra footage from the news,

and before the dog got him, he had quite the adventure.

Not tonight, pal.

Aaargh!

PULSATING DANCE MUSIC

LAUGHTER

DJ ASSAULT: # Ass...titties, ass 'n' titties

# Ass, ass, titties, titties, ass 'n' titties. #

Rest in peace, Roger.

Now for a part of the show called the People's Podium.

There's some people who couldn't get in the audience.

If they impress me with their questions, they can join us.

If they don't, I'm going to feed them to the lions.

So, let's meet our first speaker on the People's Podium!

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Hello...

-What's your name, my friend?

-Fionnula.

Fionnula! That's a cracking name. And what's your question?

Erm, I am setting up shop with a friend, making cakes and things.

-Cakes, yeah?

-How inappropriate would it be

if we called ourselves "Two Girls, One Cupcake"?

LAUGHTER

It sounds like a winner, doesn't it?

But I fear you wouldn't get just people looking for cakes.

I like the question, though. "Two Girls, One Cup"... One CupCAKE.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yeah, yeah...? Join the audience.

Who's next?!

-Hello!

-That was a pretty smooth start.

-Has to be done.

-You look like a darts player.

-A darts player?

Not a very good darts player.

-Dibble and dabble now and again.

-See, I like you already.

Can you turn sideways so it's like you're shouting the question out of a van?

"Oi, Howard...!"

-LAUGHTER

-Go on, do it.

LAUGHTER

"Oi, oi!"

Hello...

What's your question, my friend?

With reports that the Olympics are set to go well over budget,

what events would you get rid of, and why?

I would, erm...I'd get rid of the opening ceremony for a kickoff.

The rest of it, I'm quite looking forward to.

So, with regret, I'm going to have to feed you to the lions.

Sorry. But you're a good guy. I hope they treat you well.

-Cheers, mate.

-Sorry. I'm sorry.

-AUDIENCE: Awww...

That's pretty awkward, isn't it, pretty...?

SNARLING Aaaaaaargh!

"Burberry..."

-Hiya, man. How you doing?

-Hello!

-Oh, I like you.

What's your name? I like THAT...

You're like a really, really happy Wallace and Gromit.

LAUGHTER

What's your question, friend?

Secretly, which celebrity's phone would you like to hack?

Which celebrity's phone would I like to hack? Boris Johnson.

Is the one-word answer. Nobody wouldn't enjoy that...

HE MIMICS BORIS

Oh, I'm going to pour myself a whisky and really enjoy this.

-How about you, who would you hack?

-You.

Me?! Do you know what happened? When the News Of The World scandal came out, my brother,

genuinely, was leaving messages on my phone,

hoping the papers would get hold of it.

And saying some pretty appalling things like,

"Was that you I seen outside Baby Gap? Yeah?

"Banging your cock against the window?"

-LAUGHTER

-Delete, delete!

I wasn't doing it. No, I wasn't.

-Would have been good for the laughs.

-How?!

"It's the chuckling paedo." That's a bit of work.

LAUGHTER

Again, I enjoy you. Come through, you're nice.

That's the end of the People's Podium. Please give it up for all my guests!

CHEERING

Now, do you remember the lady from a couple of weeks ago who had her meerkats stolen?

If you don't, here she is.

So, I politely said, "Blow me."

She's written me a letter. When I first got it I was terrified.

I said, "Oh, God, she's going to be really upset." Oh, no!

"Dear Russell..." This woman is 80, right? "Dear Russell,

"I pissed myself laughing at you

"taking the piss out of me and my meerkats."

LAUGHTER

"I am as blunt as you can be, and less of the old woman, I'm only 80.

"I've got 29 grandchildren, 42 great-grandchildren.

"One more thing, could you pay me back for being on TV,

"and buy me a meerkat to replace the one the dog got?"

LAUGHTER

"And I will blow you any time."

LAUGHTER

So what did I do?

I got her a meerkat.

LAUGHTER

So I guess what I'M saying, Barbara... No-one else, just you and me...

-I've kept my side of the deal.

-LAUGHTER

Now as an end-of-series treat, the production team have found me somebody special to interview,

and I have to find out who it is. Last year it was Jet...

So please welcome my Mystery Guest!

-Hello, Santa.

-Hello, Russell.

You've got a much better chair than me.

Look how shit my chair is!

-It suits you.

-Thanks.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if Santa was that witty?

"You're a dick, you're not getting anything. You're probably adopted. Next!"

OK. Are you someone from my childhood?

-I think so, yeah.

-OK.

Yeah, from what I've heard.

Holy shit, I know who you are. Fuck, you're John Barnes, aren't you?

-I've just changed my voice once and you've got me.

-Yes!

You're supposed to be asking me questions.

You're supposed to be asking me questions to find out who I was.

But I knew.

-The voice gave it, didn't it?

-Yes.

-I got too comfortable.

-You gave it away. It was beautiful.

-I tried to be like Frank Bruno at first.

-It was beautiful.

-I just got too comfortable with you.

It's a genuine pleasure to meet you.

-They showed me pictures of you in your Liverpool kit as a young boy.

-Yes.

That's me, yeah.

I'm too old to be wearing the full kit there, aren't I?

That's the '96 kit, so I'm 16-years-old, in the garden,

playing football on my own.

I'm slightly star-struck.

A lot of people might not know because you've got a very young audience.

My children are here with me, by the way. My big ones.

They're 26, 22, 18, 15, 5, 4 and 1.

The big ones are here. They took time off work especially.

One's a doctor and he said, "I'm not going into work today."

So there may be some dead people up north!

And it's our fault. That makes me feel really bad.

A lot of people might not know me.

I'll just show you something of what I've done in the past.

It better be that goal in 1984. Let's do this.

Wonderful, that's worth a round of applause!

Are you a Liverpool fan?

I am. I still live in the area. I've been there for ten years, so that's my team.

What was the highlight of your career?

-Winning my first league championship with Liverpool.

-What year was that?

1988. 1987-88.

-How many league championships?

-I won three league championships.

Pretty cool!

Not only was John an incredible footballer, but we didn't even mention the rap.

You can hit them and hurt them, defend and attack...

-Funny you should say that.

-Have we got that as well?

This is the other reason why John Barnes is incredible.

# You've got to hold and give but do it at the right time

# You can be slow or fast but you must get to the line

# They'll always hit you and hurt you, defend and attack

# There's only one way to beat them, get round the back... #

-A little birdie told me you know the words.

-I know the words. Let's do it!

I'll do the first verse, if you do the second verse. OK, here we go. Let's go.

Bit of rhythm. Here we go. Ready?

# You've got to hold and give but do it at the right time

# You can be slow or fast but you must get to the line

# They'll always hit you and hurt you, defend and attack

# There's only one way to beat them get round the back

# So catch me if you can cos I'm the England man

# And what you're looking at is the master plan

# We ain't no hooligans, this ain't a football song

# Three lions on my chest I know we can't go wrong

# We're singing for England Eng-er-lund!

# We hope this year will be the one... #

-And I bought you a present.

-Thanks very much.

You can open it now.

Thank you so much for coming on my show.

It's a pleasure. The kids love it.

I remember when I was ten, I remember watching you play.

Mate, how good is this?

I got this out of the loft.

It is from 1996.

It is Sky Sports Mr Nice Guy Award.

It doesn't look much like me, but there you go. Merry Christmas!

Honestly, thank you so much.

Thank you very much indeed.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for the wonderful John Barnes!

Thanks everyone for watching Good News.

Until the next series, have a wonderful Christmas. Farewell.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd