Episode 7 Russell Howard's Good News


Episode 7

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Thank you.

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Thanks very much.

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Thank...you.

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Hello and welcome to Good News.

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Hope you've had a good week. So what's been going on?

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Over at Sky News, this guy revealed his ultimate fantasy.

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Let's bring a jockey in here, bend him over the desk

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and beat him on the backside with it and see if it hurts.

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LAUGHTER

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Now, if you look closely,

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I think the bloke on the left may have a drink problem.

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Now, the Christmas party season is almost upon us...

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What else? Nick Owen was gutted when his Viagra didn't arrive.

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-Hmm.

-Not a good night, was it?

-No, very frustrating.

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LAUGHTER

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This fella - no such problem.

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One individual said that I had the testicles of an elephant.

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And finally, don't you just love it when a plan DOESN'T come together?

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Good morning, I'm hanging out with my friend, John.

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-Fox Five Morning News starts, look there.

-And it starts now!

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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So, the big news this week - Britain went on strike.

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Walkout - Britain's biggest strike in 30 years gets underway

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as hundreds of thousands of staff protest over pensions.

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So, who was affected?

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Millions of children are spending the day at home

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after three quarters of schools closed.

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And how did kids feel about it?

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Thank you, teachers, innit?!

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Nice one! THEY CHEER

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They were fucking delighted.

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Before the strike, we were warned that Heathrow would grind to a halt.

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Chaos at airports.

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Very long queues.

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Potential chaos.

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Three hour delays.

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Gridlock.

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Didn't really work out like that.

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The quickest I've ever got through.

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In fact, airports were so relaxed,

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people had time for a bit of fun.

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How was immigration, gents?

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I didn't have a problem, personally. If anything, it was a bit quicker.

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The flight left bang on time.

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Quack!

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LAUGHTER

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Where have I heard that noise before?

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Quack!

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Pugalicious!

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APPLAUSE

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Now, did you see what Cameron said about the strikes?

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David Cameron says the strike, in his view, has been a damp squib.

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Fair to say, Cameron's comments slightly angered this protestor.

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We're sick to death of you and your like,

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David fucking Cammer face!

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LAUGHTER

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This bloke does a blog in his car. You've never seen rage like this.

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Look what he wants Cameron and his mates to do.

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Stick your fucking dicks back in your trousers,

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stop waving them around...

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What?!

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I've seen a lot of Cameron's speeches,

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I've never seen him ONCE do the helicopter.

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I would've remembered...

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I would've definitely remembered that moment. Nice one, Cleggy!

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Mind you, not everyone was angry.

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In the middle of the protest march,

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I spotted the happiest photographer ever.

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-But actually...

-Well, John Hutton...

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LAUGHTER

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Well, I know, but I think he was wrong...

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Talking of joy, the results were in

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for the first-ever UK happiness test.

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Now, despite the country's economic woes,

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a survey has found that most of us are still happy.

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The trouble is, you can't measure happiness.

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Very often, it can be tiny things that perk you up.

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For example, here's what made me happy this week.

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Number one - this photo.

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LAUGHTER

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Number two - my mum sent my brother a text.

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My brother's reply...

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LAUGHTER

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And number three, seeing this -

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it just makes you want to cheer.

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What do you get when you cross an American frisbee champion,

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and a creative bunch of Aussies

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renowned for their YouTube acts of skill?

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This right here is the world's fastest receiver.

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Aah!

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HE SHOUTS

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-APPLAUSE

-Just wonderful, isn't it?

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But the thing that cheered me up most of all - I received a letter.

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Remember the lady from a couple of weeks ago

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who had her meerkats stolen?

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Remember her? If you don't, here she is.

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When my daughter Samantha came, she said,

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"Mum, your meerkats have gone,"

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so I politely said, "Blow me."

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She's written me a letter.

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Now, when I first got it, I was terrified.

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I thought, "Oh, God, she's going to be really upset." Oh, no!

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"Dear Russell," she's 80, this woman is 80, right?

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"Dear Russell, I pissed myself laughing at you

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"taking the piss out of me and my meerkat.

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"I am as blunt as you can be

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"and less of the 'old woman', I'm only 80!

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"I've got 29 grandchildren and 42 great-grandchildren.

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"One more thing -

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"could you pay me back for being on TV

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"and buy me a meerkat to replace the one the dog got?

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"And I will blow you anytime."

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AUDIENCE GASPS

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APPLAUSE

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So what did I do?

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I got her a meerkat!

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So I guess what I'm saying, Barbara, no-one else, just you and me.

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I've kept my side of the deal.

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LAUGHTER

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Finally, big news in the world of football.

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The draw for Euro 2012 has been made,

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England are in a group with France, Sweden and the joint hosts, Ukraine.

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Not a bad group, so are we feeling positive?

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Can England win it?

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No, we've got no chance.

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LAUGHTER

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Some cracking stories in this section.

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First up, check out the ingenious disguise

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Ron Weasley wears to blend into society.

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I love it! "I'm fed up of being noticed, I just want to be normal.

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"I know, I'll dress as a mallard!"

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D'you want to see his cunning disguise?

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-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

-Here's Ron.

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Here's the duck...

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I bet you money you'll get teenage boys going on the pull

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wearing duck masks.

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"Are you Ron Weasley?"

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"Yeah...but I like to keep the mask on during sex."

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"Oh, right. Why aren't your pubes ginger?"

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"Oh...

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"..Voldemort did it!"

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LAUGHTER

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"He's really sneaky!"

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Bizarrely, that isn't the weirdest celebrity story.

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Check out Lady Gaga's new perfume.

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Lady Gaga will be making her debut fragrance, Monster

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and believe it or not,

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it will actually smell of blood and semen.

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Blood and semen? Who wants to smell like this guy's pants?

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LAUGHTER

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D'you reckon you have to apply it like that? It won't come out.

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It's really going to come out in a minute.

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Phwap!

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Finally in this section, ladies and gentlemen,

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prepare to meet a fully fledged superstar.

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Rodeo is coming to the Resch Center this weekend.

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Of course, that means broncos and bulls

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but that's only part of the story this time.

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Why? Who else is going to be at the rodeo?

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It also means a performance by what the rodeo is touting

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as the world's strongest chicken.

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The world's strongest...

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"Somebody punch me while I lay an egg!"

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So did this rock-hard cock arrive in a cage? Fuck, no!

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This is how you make an entrance. This was on the news.

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Listen to the music they play.

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It was the kind of welcome usually reserved for rock stars.

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MUSIC: "Gonna Fly Now (Theme from Rocky)" by Bill Conti

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Resch is certainly no stranger to celebrities

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but this one is definitely a first.

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CROWD CHEERS

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This is Harry, the world's strongest chicken.

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"Huuuuh!

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"I'm so hard, Viagra takes me! Huuhh!

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"I got more muscles than a Belgian dinner table. What's my name?!

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"Huuhh!

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"You want to stick a lemon up my ass?

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"Cock-a-doodle-don't, motherclucker!

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"Huuhh!"

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Now...

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..some people reckon making a chicken perform is cruel.

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His owner disagrees.

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His trainer says for a chicken,

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Harry seems pretty happy to be a part of it.

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He loves it. Look at the alternative.

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Nando's.

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Apparently one of his tricks - the chicken eats red-hot chillies.

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Now that's fine on the way in - slightly different on the way out.

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ROOSTER CROWS

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KEEPS CROWING

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"Huh!"

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APPLAUSE

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Check out the latest pub entertainment hitting the UK.

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Going to the loo while you're out can be a drag.

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Well, not any more.

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For men, at least,

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after a bar in London installed urine-controlled video games

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above their urinals.

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That's right, piss-controlled video games.

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Apparently you can play them with your mates.

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How awkward would that be in the pub?

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"Oi, Dave, meet me in the toilet.

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"I'm going to get my dick out and teach you a lesson!"

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LAUGHTER

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"No, no, you've misunderstood!"

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Have a look at how it works.

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Bladder controllers make for a hands-free experience

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and visitors to the bar are tested on the accuracy of their aim.

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Aw, it looks pretty fun, doesn't it?

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Who doesn't like to kill penguins with their piss?

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But you know what blokes are like.

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It'll be like a pub quiz machine - everyone will get involved.

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ARCADE GAME BLEEPS

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No, no, left, left.

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BLEEPS CONTINUE

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I've done this before, give it here.

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LAUGHTER

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-WINNING BLEEP

-Yeah!

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Oh, mate.

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APPLAUSE

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Now, from weird computer games

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to a story about receiving the wrong package.

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14-year-old, Connor Whelihan recently ordered

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a new barrel for his paint gun.

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With his mother's supervision, he ordered one for about 60

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from paintballonline.com

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But what did he get instead?

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Inside the package that arrived are three boxes of Viagra,

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sexual performance-enhancing oils,

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hormone sprays

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and a DVD for men only.

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A massive box of Viagra! I bet he was like that, "Yes!

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"All I need is my duck mask and Operation Ron Weasley is on!"

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What I want to know - why did he go to the news?

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If that had been me, I'd have gone to school, taken it before PE,

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and impressed the ladies.

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LAUGHTER

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Mind you, it makes you think - if the kid didn't get his gun,

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someone didn't get their Viagra.

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-Not a good night, was it?

-No, very frustrating.

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One place you won't need Viagra - this new hairdressers.

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Half-naked hairdressers in Sydney, Australia,

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where men come for a topless trim.

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Now there are plans to open a similar salon in Norwich.

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"Arrr!" Very different places.

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-Sydney -

-AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:

-"Behold my sun-kissed orbs of pleasure."

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-Norwich -

-NORFOLK ACCENT:

-"Check out these bastards!

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"My nipples are wonkier than your eyes!"

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It's madness! It's hard enough talking to hairdressers.

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Imagine if they're topless! "Going anywhere on holiday?"

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"Naples. Nipples. Tits. Jugs."

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-HONKS

-"Oh, sorry."

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LAUGHTER

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The trouble is, who's to say the hairdressers won't be like this?

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BELL RINGS

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Ah, hello, Mr Howard.

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Oh, I'm afraid your usual stylist isn't in, but if you take a seat,

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we'll be with you in a minute.

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Leslie, your 2 o'clock's here, get your top off.

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(All right!)

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Russell Howard.

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Over to Scotland, what was the big news of the week?

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The economy? Global warming? Nope, it was all about these guys.

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Two giant pandas.

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-Giant pandas.

-Giant pandas.

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-Giant pandas.

-Giant pandas.

-Giant pandas.

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..have arrived in Scotland from China.

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Sunshine and Sweetie were unloaded from their private plane

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after a 5,000 mile journey.

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Did you watch the news coverage? It was brilliantly shit.

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They were on air for hours!

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At times, it was almost like they'd run out of things to say.

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I heard a noise there,

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which perhaps suggested that something was going on.

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God bless BBC News - asking the questions on everyone's lips.

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Is this the first-ever red carpet, Colin, for pandas?

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Probably.

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Do we know if they understand English?

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-LAUGHTER

-They're pandas.

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Have they been played any bagpipe music?

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It's quite frightening, bagpipes,

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if you've come all the way from China and you're a panda.

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We were all thinking it(!) So why have the Pandas come to Scotland?

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The hope is, they will breed and produce panda cubs.

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I'm not sure it's going to happen. This guy from ITN puts it best.

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The female panda can only conceive for three days a year,

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and the males...

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well, they're not very good at it.

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I love that - "They're not very good at it."

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Imagine the poor pandas - "Do you like that, Maureen?"

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"Not really, Derek, you've put it in my ear."

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LAUGHTER

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My favourite part of the report -

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listen carefully to who was in the Scottish welcoming committee.

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Just to the left, there is the welcoming party.

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Scottish Secretary Michael Moore, the Chinese Charge d'Affaires,

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Edinburgh's Lord Provost,

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they've all been toasting the arrival with whisky,

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along with one 6-year-old girl, actually.

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-SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-"Oh, that was great! Let's do some Jagerbombs!"

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D'you know, it's going to cost Edinburgh Zoo

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a million pounds a year to look after them?

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I don't get it - if people want to see a fat animal that eats all day

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and never has sex,

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hang out with my brother.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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Check out the latest coffee taking the world by storm.

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It's earthy, it's robust, it has a strong aftertaste.

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Mmm, sounds lovely. What's in it?

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Bob Hennagin was the first customer in line for a taste of Kopi Luwak,

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AKA cat poo coffee.

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-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

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No, no, no, no, no, no.

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APPLAUSE

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Cat poo coffee...

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Who thought of...?

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I've never seen a cat take a shit and gone, "Num num num!"

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Working at that coffee shop would be a nightmare.

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"Reeow!" Splat!

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"Reeow!"

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"You want cream with that?! Oh, Christ!

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HE SOBS

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"I hate my job!

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"It won't come out."

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"Say my name."

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"What is your name?"

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"It's Mr Tiddles." "All right. Mr Tiddles."

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Eww!

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Unbelievably, some people love it.

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Cat poop coffee, I mean...what could be better?

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Fucking everything!

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It's made out of cat shit!

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Mind you, their paninis look quite nice.

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LAUGHTER

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Cat poo coffee!

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If it takes off over here, I can't wait to see the adverts.

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'Rich, aromatic and pure.'

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Our coffee is harvested at source, and then...

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CONSTIPATED TONE

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APPLAUSE

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Next up, a story about a broken relationship.

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Pretty funny. Funnier when you find out who did it.

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His dog!

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"Oh, I'm sorry, was that your arse?!

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"I guess I'm not thinking straight since we went to the vets

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"and they cut my fucking balls off!"

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LAUGHTER

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-SHOUTS:

-"Where are my balls?"

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"Huuuuhh!"

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Maybe it wasn't that.

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Maybe the dog lost it after he was forced to wear this.

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LAUGHTER

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Mind you, if you think being shot by your dog is thick,

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check out this master of disguise.

0:18:480:18:50

A man tried to rob this liquor store.

0:18:500:18:53

He covered his face in duct tape.

0:18:530:18:55

He looks like a gimp from Poundland.

0:18:550:18:58

What I love about this story -

0:19:000:19:02

despite the fact he was caught with the tape on his face -

0:19:020:19:05

he claimed it wasn't him.

0:19:050:19:07

To add yet another twist to the story,

0:19:070:19:09

the man authorities unmasked now insists

0:19:090:19:11

he's not the duct tape bandit.

0:19:110:19:14

Look at me. Do I look like a duct tape bandit, baby?

0:19:140:19:17

Yes! They took it off your face!

0:19:170:19:20

He's like a child. I'd love to have seen the moment they unravelled it.

0:19:200:19:24

"You're under arrest." "No, I'm not."

0:19:260:19:28

"You are." "I wasn't there."

0:19:280:19:30

"You were there, cos I've just literally taken the tape off..."

0:19:300:19:33

"No, you didn't." "I did."

0:19:330:19:34

"I'm still holding the tape and it's attached to your face."

0:19:340:19:37

"No, no, no."

0:19:370:19:39

"Yes, stop saying that."

0:19:400:19:41

"No, you couldn't, I wasn't there, I was in the moon eating a pizza!"

0:19:410:19:46

He wasn't the dumbest criminal in the news.

0:19:470:19:49

That prize belongs to these guys.

0:19:490:19:51

Two New Zealand prisoners, handcuffed together,

0:19:510:19:54

tried to escape to freedom on Wednesday.

0:19:540:19:56

The getaway failed

0:19:560:19:58

when they tried to run through different sides of a power pole.

0:19:580:20:01

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:20:010:20:04

This is the part of the show I don't know anything about.

0:20:080:20:10

There's a mystery guest who's been in the news

0:20:100:20:13

and I have to figure out who that person is.

0:20:130:20:15

Please welcome my mystery guest!

0:20:150:20:17

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:20:170:20:20

Hello.

0:20:200:20:22

-Hello, nice to meet you. What's your name?

-Kath.

0:20:260:20:29

-I'm guessing it has something to do with chess?

-Yes, it does.

0:20:290:20:33

There you go, OK.

0:20:330:20:35

-Are you a chess player of some form?

-You could say...slightly.

0:20:350:20:39

-You're a slight chess player?

-Mm. It has got something to do with it.

0:20:390:20:43

You play chess outside?

0:20:430:20:45

I wouldn't say I am outside at all.

0:20:450:20:48

-But what's the foliage?

-I've no idea.

0:20:480:20:50

-You've got no idea why there are trees here?

-No!

0:20:500:20:52

LAUGHTER

0:20:520:20:53

Um...OK, are you one of the best chess players in the country?

0:20:530:20:58

No.

0:20:580:21:00

-A straight answer, no.

-Awkward!

0:21:010:21:04

It's got something to do with chess, nothing to do with the outside.

0:21:040:21:08

-Any other hints?

-I could give you another clue.

-OK.

0:21:080:21:11

BELL RINGS

0:21:110:21:12

-That's a bell. Are you a bell-ringer?

-No.

0:21:130:21:15

Thank God for that, they're always a bit creepy, aren't they?

0:21:150:21:19

-Bells and chess.

-It could be to do with round one,

0:21:190:21:22

-Round one.

-Think of it in that way.

0:21:220:21:24

Are you a fighter?

0:21:240:21:25

-Yes.

-Why have we got this, then?

0:21:250:21:28

You play chess and you fight?

0:21:280:21:30

-Yes.

-Really?

-Yes.

0:21:300:21:32

What an interesting... Why have you been in the news?

0:21:320:21:35

I was the world's first female chessboxing champion.

0:21:350:21:39

The world's first female chessboxing champion.

0:21:390:21:42

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:21:420:21:44

OK.

0:21:440:21:45

How does that combine itself?

0:21:490:21:51

You have different rounds,

0:21:510:21:52

the first round always starts off with chess, and it's speed chess.

0:21:520:21:56

-It doesn't take that long.

-D'you keep your gloves on?

0:21:560:21:58

-No.

-I was going to say!

-LAUGHTER

0:21:580:22:03

I love the combination, it's insane.

0:22:030:22:05

It's like kickboxing and Ludo.

0:22:050:22:08

It just seems like...such a weird...

0:22:080:22:10

I don't think that would quite work.

0:22:100:22:12

No, that would be madness(!)

0:22:120:22:15

Boxing and chess - absolutely fine - but Ludo and kickboxing,

0:22:150:22:19

well, I'd be a fucking idiot!

0:22:190:22:20

Shall we have a little scrap?

0:22:220:22:24

We could have one, I suppose.

0:22:240:22:26

You're trying to make this sort of sexy but...

0:22:260:22:29

it won't be when you beat me up.

0:22:290:22:31

Don't worry, I'm not actually going to beat you up.

0:22:310:22:33

-You're not going to beat me up?

-No.

0:22:330:22:35

-You're still going to make it sexy?

-What you doing with the chess piece?

0:22:350:22:39

SHE LAUGHS

0:22:390:22:40

Do you do that, to put your opponents off?

0:22:400:22:43

-No.

-You've never done that?

-Never ever done that.

0:22:430:22:45

Should we do some boxing?

0:22:450:22:47

Yeah, but before we move on,

0:22:470:22:49

I'm going to show you a quick VT of me in action.

0:22:490:22:52

MUSIC: "Eye Of The Tiger" by Survivor

0:22:520:22:54

# It's the eye of the tiger

0:22:590:23:01

# It's the thrill of the fight

0:23:010:23:03

# And he's watching us all with the eye... #

0:23:030:23:07

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:23:070:23:10

So, here we are.

0:23:100:23:11

-Today, we're going to test your strength.

-On this bad boy?

0:23:150:23:19

-On this bad boy, here.

-Right.

0:23:190:23:21

I should pretend I'm at a fair?

0:23:210:23:23

-It's not a fairground.

-It feels a bit like a fairground.

0:23:230:23:26

"I hit that and then I get wanked off on the waltzers."

0:23:260:23:29

Is that what happens, normally?

0:23:290:23:31

D'you know, when I was 13 that did happen, yeah.

0:23:310:23:34

I was like, "Oh, Jesus Christ!"

0:23:350:23:38

D'you know what makes it really interesting?

0:23:390:23:41

My dad was killed by a man with a red-and-black head,

0:23:410:23:44

so this is going to be... really easy!

0:23:440:23:48

-That was good.

-"I've never seen numbers that high!"

0:23:500:23:53

Have another go, see if you can get this properly.

0:23:540:23:56

Now you're going to properly hit it, aren't you?

0:23:560:23:59

I'm not really. Don't worry about it.

0:23:590:24:00

Go on, absolutely smash it!

0:24:000:24:02

-That was nice, that. That's good.

-It's not always about whacking it.

0:24:030:24:07

It is though, innit?

0:24:070:24:08

You could miss, then, couldn't you?

0:24:080:24:10

It feels good when you really get it!

0:24:100:24:12

Try to think about the technique of it.

0:24:140:24:17

LAUGHTER

0:24:170:24:19

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:24:190:24:22

-Have you broken your other hand now?

-Yeah.

0:24:290:24:32

It's good pain, though, innit?

0:24:320:24:34

I enjoyed that, what a wonderful mystery guest.

0:24:340:24:37

Please give it up for the boxing and chess champion of the world!

0:24:370:24:41

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:24:410:24:44

If you fly Ryanair, it's about to get a whole lot steamier.

0:24:470:24:50

That is going to change the announcements!

0:24:540:24:56

"We apologise for the turbulence,

0:24:560:24:58

"the pilot is cracking one off."

0:24:580:25:01

Knowing Ryanair, it won't be sexy.

0:25:010:25:04

-GRUFF VOICE:

-"Hello! And welcome to Debbie Does Grimsby!

0:25:040:25:08

"You can enter me here, here or here!"

0:25:090:25:12

Mind you, if you think porn is a bit much,

0:25:150:25:17

look what the boss has planned for business class.

0:25:170:25:20

Because it will be in Economy, ten euros,

0:25:200:25:22

but a fantastic upmarket service in business class,

0:25:220:25:25

which would consist of beds and blow jobs.

0:25:250:25:27

Beds and blow jobs!

0:25:290:25:31

Who are they going to get to do the adverts?

0:25:310:25:34

Blow me!

0:25:340:25:36

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:25:360:25:39

Now, from planes to cars. This next story is insane.

0:25:410:25:44

Saudi Arabia is the only country where women aren't allowed to drive.

0:25:440:25:47

Look why the government want to keep it this way.

0:25:470:25:50

If that were true, Top Gear would be hilarious.

0:25:560:25:59

Jeremy Clarkson crying as he tea-bags James May!

0:25:590:26:03

"I can't stop!

0:26:030:26:06

"I saw a woman reversing!

0:26:060:26:08

"Oh, Christ, she's parking, Hammond, lick my balls!

0:26:080:26:11

"Lick my balls!"

0:26:130:26:15

We'd all watch it then!

0:26:150:26:17

Now, over in America,

0:26:170:26:18

a woman is in trouble after burying a dog with an unusual name.

0:26:180:26:22

She decided it was time to put a memorial stone on the dog's grave,

0:26:220:26:25

and that has stirred up a lot of controversy

0:26:250:26:29

because the dog had a name that some say is not appropriate

0:26:290:26:32

for display on a tombstone.

0:26:320:26:34

Why? What was the dog called?

0:26:340:26:36

LAUGHTER

0:26:360:26:39

The dog was called Shithead!

0:26:390:26:41

Look how the owner justifies her dog's filthy name.

0:26:410:26:45

No different than somebody named Dick...or Peter.

0:26:450:26:49

Slightly different.

0:26:490:26:51

"Here, Peter." "Shithead!!"

0:26:510:26:54

I tell you, it's the only way you could have made this funnier.

0:26:540:26:58

Shithead! Shithead!

0:26:580:27:02

Shithead! Oh, Jesus Christ!

0:27:020:27:05

Shithead! Oh, Jesus Christ!

0:27:060:27:10

Shithead!

0:27:100:27:12

This is ace. It's an inspirational story about Patrice Millet

0:27:180:27:21

and the amazing work he does helping Haitian kids through football.

0:27:210:27:25

My name is Patrice Millet

0:27:520:27:54

and I do education through soccer with Haitian kids.

0:27:540:27:58

SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

0:28:100:28:11

Yes!

0:28:130:28:14

What an amazing bloke. Thanks for watching Good News.

0:28:450:28:48

Goodnight!

0:28:480:28:49

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:490:28:52

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:29:100:29:13

E-mail [email protected]

0:29:130:29:16

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