Episode 6 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much.

Hello and welcome to Good News.

Hope you've had a good week. So what's been happening? Is it me,

or is the sexual tension on BBC Breakfast getting too much?

Are you packing heat?

-I am carrying.

-Are you?

LAUGHTER

Get a room!

Mark Longhurst revealed what he shouts at the point of orgasm.

In the back of the net!

Last week I broke my hand. Some people were shocked.

Not this lady.

I just watched it and watched it and watched it.

It was absolutely brilliant.

And finally, over on Sky News, it's happened again.

Love is in the air.

We're just about to open up a new shop in the city...

MUSIC: "She" by Elvis Costello

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, what's been going on? Young people are struggling to get jobs.

'Unemployment hits a 17-year high,

'with more young people out of work, than ever.'

And who did Sky News get

to talk about solving the youth unemployment crisis?

We do have a problem...

Alan Sugar!

I'm not sure he's the best person to get young people jobs.

You're fired!

You're fired!

You're fired!

You're fired, fired, fired, fired...

Mind you, this next girl

is definitely going to struggle in the workplace.

Check out this wonderful headline.

And did her friends help get her out?

No, they videoed her and pissed themselves laughing.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Get the fire brigade! Get my iPhone!

Imagine the moment the fire brigade arrived. What have you done?

I wanted to know what it felt like to be a towel!

How did that girl even get into university?

What does her UCAS form look like? A potato print.

If she's struggling with a clothes horse,

imagine her in an English exam.

What is Rudyard Kipling's finest work?

LAUGHTER

His cakes.

LAUGHTER

They're exceedingly good.

I've honestly watched that clip of her stuck, about 100 times.

I can't get enough! And I'm not the only one.

I just watched it and watched it and watched it.

It was absolutely brilliant.

Elsewhere this week,

a survey was held to find Britain's most influential man. Who won?

Boris Johnson!

CHEERING

Do you reckon kids'll start copying his look?

It's ridiculous, isn't it?

How can he be the most influential man in Britain?

He's impossible to understand. It always sounds like he's on acid.

I rubbed my eyes and my eyes were not deceiving me.

I saw the sprouting, hubble bubble,

gherkin, not gherkin, pretzel-type object.

Arrrr!

It's like he's playing charades with an invisible man, all the time!

Gherkins... pretzel...

two words... film...

I don't know, you invisible bastard. Give me the title!

He's lovable though, isn't he? Boris is lovable.

Asked what was different about him and David Cameron,

he gave this answer...

What is the difference between you and David Cameron?

Well, I'm Mayor of London, and he's Prime Minister.

I'm older than him, I'm considerably heavier.

What else? I beat him at tennis.

LAUGHTER

I stuffed him at wiff-waff!

People are even saying Boris could be the next Prime Minister!

It might happen sooner than we think.

Between you and me, I think Cameron's running out of policies.

Let's get those diabetics off the road.

If I see one more asthmatic on a space hopper,

there will be hell to pay!

Let's be honest, Ed Miliband's never going to win.

He just looks too weird.

This guy sums up what he looks like best.

A frightened panda who's been caught with another panda's wife.

He's got a point!

Some mad crime stories knocking around.

Over in Pakistan, the government is trying to stop

that most evil of crimes - swearing.

'In Pakistan, it's the war

'on violent extremists that usually makes headlines.'

But now the government is waging a new fight.

'A war on what the government has deemed

'obscene and offensive language in text messages.'

Imagine the jails. "I'm in for murder. You...?"

"I called my brother a spunk monkey."

Some of the words banned are weird. Look at these...

That's not even rude, that's a fruit!

I bet he's there going, "Why am I being banned?

"What about banana? He looks like a dick!"

They even banned this word.

That could lead to confusion.

Grandad's having a stroke!

Well, tell him to pack it in, then.

I think he's going to die...

Well, he's clearly doing it too hard.

From naughty words to a bizarre punishment in New Zealand...

It's mad, isn't it? Here they are in action.

'Shane and Carl weren't dancing for fun

'when this YouTube clip was filmed last week.

'They were dancing because they were scared.

They made them dance for an hour,

because they sprayed graffiti on their neighbour's wall.

What a weird punishment!

"You're not going to hit me, are you?"

"No, I want you to moonwalk."

"Ah, that's the stuff! Shake it, baby!"

Luckily the police were called. Did they help? Not really!

'When two police officers arrived, the ordeal wasn't over.

'One officer laughed so hard he had to leave the room

'and call two colleagues to come and watch.'

Dave, you've got to see this, mate.

It's better than that girl in the clothes horse!

It isn't the only dancing story of the week.

Look what kids in America are doing with their cars.

'It's called ghost riding the whip.

'A whip is slang for a car

'and ghost riding refers to the fact

'that whoever was driving, ends up disappearing.

It's the shittest thing ever.

"I'm ghost riding the whip!"

No, you're not! You're giving a BMW a lapdance!

Look at these tits!

'Ghostriders perform all sorts of automotive acrobatics,

'otherwise known as going dumb.

'Standing atop a driver's door...

'hanging out the back door...'

They're like claustrophobics on their way to a meeting.

"I can't be in the car, Steve!

"Let me get on the door. I don't like it, I don't like the inside!"

Surprisingly, this crappy craze has taken America by storm.

And it's not just kids who are into it.

Well, Grandma, what's on our schedule today?

Well, there's one thing we could do...

we could ghost ride the whip!

TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS

LAUGHTER

They're pretty good, aren't they?

But they've been doing it for years. This guy's a beginner.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Some odd stories in Britain this week.

First, look what this man's done to stop speeding.

'They don't mess about in Bow

'or at least Tim Backhouse doesn't.

'Fed up with traffic going too fast

'he and a friend picked up their paintbrushes and went big

'on the side of Tim's house.'

Only in the West Country.

"Why get a speed camera, when I got a paintbrush?"

What I love about this,

it highlights just how brilliantly shit

British local news is.

They clearly got a woman to say, "Wow! Look at that!"

"Wow! Look at that!"

LAUGHTER

And then from nowhere,

an unintelligible man rocks up in his tractor.

-Very stupid.

-Why?

Everybody's going to look at it and have more accidents...

BABBLES IN WEST COUNTRY ACCENT

Got to go, I'm ghost riding the tractor!

It's good he didn't paint this on his house.

Because you KNOW somebody would have done this....

From road signs to the paranormal.

Pretty interesting, more so when you find out who's been plaguing her...

a groping octopus ghost!

I know we're all thinking...

poor octopus!

I bet she loved it.

"Oh no, eight hands all over me. Oh no!

"Lower... Oh...

"Will this never end?

"Lower.

"Oh, that's the stuff..."

# If there's something strange in the neighbourhood

# Who you gonna call? # Fucking no-one!

LAUGHTER

"Aaarh!"

LAUGHTER

I imagine!

Now, mind you, it wasn't the only spooky story of the week.

A ghost in Gloucester is haunting a pint of lager.

'It was just another quiz night,

'and another pint from the bar for the quizmaster.

'But this pint took on a life of its own.

'Watch it carefully as it starts to move.

'When it fell the quiz goers were shocked,

'the manager, spooked.'

Ahhh!

A pint of beer fell over!

This has to be the over reaction of the week.

When you see something like this on tape

it really sort of scares you.

It's a zombie pint!

We're going to die!

Mind you, this evil pint isn't the only thing causing the pub bother.

'The haunted pint is just one ghostly happening in the last few weeks.

'Recently manageress, Sam, woke up early one morning

'to hear wailings from her daughter's bedroom.'

LAUGHTER

I'm not sure that was a ghost!

LAUGHTER

Next up, a truly terrible waxwork museum.

A waxwork attraction in Kent is making visitors work hard to do that.

Shall we say, it's not entirely obvious who some are meant to be.

Damn right! You will never see worse celebrity waxworks than this!

'Tom Cruise,

'Kylie Minogue,

'the Queen

'and Sylvester Stallone.'

Stallone looks like the saddest sex doll ever.

Look at his eyes!

MUSIC: "Mad World" by Gary Jules

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Check out the service that this church is offering.

'Alex Averill defended himself and his church,

'after police say members of Phoenix Goddess Temple

'ran an organised prostitution ring out of the church.'

That's right, it's a brothel and a church.

They don't just talk about a burning bush,

they'll give you one!

So what kind of stuff can parishioners look forward to?

'Calling themselves whole body healers they offer nude life coaching

'and prostate massages.'

Prostate massage?

Can you feel Jesus? No, but you need to clip your nails!

AUDIENCE: Ohhh!

I feel like Sylvester Stallone.

It's such nonsense. Whole body healers.

Have a look at what the leader of this church calls himself.

At my church, I'm labelled a shaman.

A shaman. Wow!

What magic powers does he have?

'He's devoted himself to healing people

'including overweight women who need to feel loved.'

He bangs fat women.

If that makes you a shaman, I'll start calling my brother Gandalf.

LAUGHTER

If you think a church that provides sex is creepy,

look what this preacher's offering.

Pastor Bates laid hands on him,

almost two hours ago.

He hasn't moved since.

Wouldn't you like the holy ghost to come on you like that?

No, no, no, no, no...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The final religious story this week is a bit more bizarre.

How lovely, whereabouts?

GROANING

Holy shit!

Literally! Poor Jesus.

"Dad, you have sent me to the wrong place!"

LAUGHTER

A lot of people were appalled, one lady loved it.

Wow, look at that!

It's nonsense!

If Jesus was going to land on any dog, surely it would be this fellow.

QUACK!

A new book has been published this week about X-rays,

showing the many varied things that people have inserted

into their arseholes.

The X-rays are all in a new book called:

Everything from a computer mouse to a cassette tape,

this set of Christmas lights

and this is Barbie, but it isn't her dream house she's in!

She was not happy!

SHE SCREAMS

GROANING

The worst thing...

this book...

LAUGHTER

This book was written by doctors.

It's co-authored by this emergency room physician and two other doctors.

Bastards!

"Hey, doc, you're not going to tell the world about me putting a doll up my arse, are you?"

"Oh, NO...

"I'd never do that!"

"Have a look at that, Dave, it's like a yawning hippo."

So, what's the number one excuse people come up with in this situation?

"I accidentally fell on an object."

That's probably the most common accidental story you hear.

And who hasn't sat on their glasses really, really hard, while nude(?)

Exactly!

So, what was the doctor's favourite?

But the Doctor's favourite found objects are action figures -

poor Buzz Lightyear!

LOUD GROANING

"To infinity and... what the fuck is that!"

LAUGHTER

"Ahhhh!"

APPLAUSE

All right, Barbie?

LAUGHTER

That was their favourite, this was my favourite.

A more recent X-ray displays an iPod Nano.

That's what happens when you play this out loud on the Tube.

SONG: "Baby" by Justin Beiber ft. Ludacris

Come here you little sod!

APPLAUSE

We'd all do it. We'd ALL do it.

This is the part I genuinely know nothing about.

There's a mystery guest who has been in the news

and I have to figure out who that person is.

Please welcome my mystery guest!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello.

-Hey.

-Hello, you all right?

-Nice to meet you.

-What is your name?

-Jan.

-Nice to meet you.

Jan, it looks like we're in a folk pub. Is that close?

-Yeah, something to do with that.

-It's something to do with folk.

Folk, Guinness, playing a violin and drinking Guinness.

-You look a bit like a magician, as well.

-A magician? Thanks.

-It's not something I wear everything day.

-Why are you wearing it here?

-Special event, just to help you guess what I am.

-To wear that?

Did you think I was a magpie?

LAUGHTER

Why's it all shiny? I can't take my eyes off it.

To stand out on stage.

-Oh, right, so you're a performer?

-Yeah.

-OK.

-Presumably it involves the violin?

-No.

-It doesn't.

Do you hunt down men who play the violin?

No, no, not really.

-You've never killed a man?

-No, not yet.

-Not yet?!

LAUGHTER

Any other clues? So you're a performer, anything else?

-Irish.

-You're Irish?

-That's a big clue.

Er...I don't know, just tell me.

I'm the under 21 Male World Irish Dancing Champion.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Nice to meet you.

So what this is, is racism, essentially!

-Stereotypes.

-He's Irish and there's a pint of Guinness there.

I'm surprised we didn't have a tiny man going, "Ah, hello!"

"Please let me come on!"

So, have you ever pulled a lady doing your Irish...jiggery?

I've been at a dance-off at a club before.

-How did that go?

-Surprisingly well.

I thought people would laugh, but they clapped

-and I got free drinks and a phone number.

-A phone number?!

There you go!

LADIES: Wooo!

Show the moves that made the ladies swoon.

-It was...

-Pretend I'm a lady in a club watching you.

-IRISH ACCENT:

-"I like that one over there,

"the shiny fucker over there, look at him."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-IRISH ACCENT:

-"Johnny Dazzle-pants, I like that one. Dance for me."

-Er, well, I started slowly...

-Oh, yeah.

..and then I'll get faster...

Oh, God.

Oh, don't ever stop moving your feet.

Oh, I...yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Well done, man!

-Thank you very much.

-Shall we do some dancing?

-We're going to in a minute.

-I'm going to show you a few steps if...

-I'd love to!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-IRISH ACCENT:

-So, I'm in the mood for dancing, Jan!

-LAUGHTER

-Teach me how to dance!

I'll start you off with basic beginning steps.

-OK.

-So that's...

Oh, nice!

-Stuff like that.

-Lovely.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, first, what I'll teach you is a shuffle.

-Erm, tap it forward.

-This one, yeah.

Right foot, right foot.

So, tap it forward...back...

and then hop...down. Very good.

So, you've got to be like a really flamboyant penguin.

LAUGHTER

-I guess.

-I'm sorry.

-That's all right.

-Erm, next one.

-Yep.

Be careful, I don't want you to hurt yourself.

-Nice.

-LAUGHTER

-It's called a click.

-Yep.

Pick up the right leg and then click the heels together.

-Ow!

-LAUGHTER

-So, are you meant to do, are you meant to go like that?

-Very good.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

If you imagine there's a football there, it's a lot easier, you go...

Drag, it's called.

-Just drag your foot.

-Oh, I like that, that's pretty...

That's the equivalent of what the dog does when it's wiping its arse.

Nobody's looking.

That's good. So, we're going to try and put them all together to music.

-To music?!

-To music, yeah.

-If that's cool?

-Lovely, yeah.

-Yeah, OK, let's go.

MUSIC: "The Lord of The Dance"

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Two, three, end!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Lovely, well done.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my mystery guest!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Check out the McDonald's burger that's than been causing a stir.

A national fast food chain has a secret menu you don't know about

and one of the items on that menu

is proving to be offensive to some people.

One creation you will not find on any of their menus,

but one that we were able to order

at three different Loreto area McDonald's is called a McGangBang.

LAUGHTER

# Doo-doo do doo I'm smashing it! #

The McGangBang?! I hope it doesn't come with a happy meal toy!

GROANING

So, are customers upset by the McGangBang burger? No!

In honour of the rude meal, they have been going to McDonald's,

finding a statue of Ronald and making him look like a pervert.

This lady takes it a stage further.

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

But this guy has to be the winner!

APPLAUSE

This is a story about a company who invented a filthy motorbike.

Ever been on a toilet and thought,

"If only I can do this while riding a bike."

No.

Now your dreams may just become a reality.

Japanese toilet manufacturer Toto has invented the Toiletbike Neo,

a motorcycle powered entirely by human waste.

What?! Imagine what you'd look like riding that?

You can be the best looking person in the world,

when you're having a dump we all look a little bit Gollum.

This looks all right...this isn't.

In case some of you are interested, it has other features.

"Kill me!"

Full of shit and can't stop talking,

sounds like a description of this show!

Over in Northern Ireland they've discovered a cunning escape artist.

It began when farmer Tom Grant, having securely locked his valuable animals up for the night,

found them roaming wild outside the next day.

So, how did the animals escape? Did local kids set them free?

Nope, it was down to a clever cow called Daisy. Look what she did.

And with one bound, Daisy and her fellow C.O.W's were free.

I love that, "C.O.W's!"

Like they're in prison,

"Look alive, girls, tomorrow we're going over the top.

"Last one back to Blighty is a McGangBang."

Mind you, not everyone is as gifted as Daisy.

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

What does that remind me of?

Tonight's story is an inspiring and emotional tale

of Yoshi and Emma De Silva

and the healing power of their baby's touch.

After five years of trying

Yoshi and Emma were blessed with a daughter they named Eloise,

but just 19 days later

a dreadful accident put mother and daughter in hospital.

I really thought to myself at that moment in time,

"I'm going to lose my daughter and my wife."

They basically said your wife is seriously brain damaged,

we'd like to switch the machines off.

But gradually his little girl emerged from danger.

I honestly believe that if one person could get her through this,

it was that little girl.

Every day Yoshi would bring Eloise to the hospital

so she could hold her mother, touch her, skin on skin.

Then on one visit Emma's eyelids began to move.

She really dug in there and found her mother from somewhere...

cos I think Emma was very lost for a long time.

And then 12 weeks, 84 days after falling into a coma,

Emma woke up...

holding Eloise in her arms.

Push with your legs and stand up.

Emma, that's amazing.

That little girl saved two people, absolutely.

She saved her mother and absolutely she has saved me.

There you go, a bit of wonder before you go to bed.

Thanks very much for watching Good News, goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd