Episode 3 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.

APPLAUSE

Thank you! Hello!

Welcome to Good News. Hope you had a good week.

What's been happening?

Well, first up, Frankie Cocozza was spotted in traffic.

Tell you what, I've been angry in my time,

but I've never made a noise like this.

They should be saying, "It's your show next month,

"can we put up a couple of signs for you?" I mean...

HE GIGGLES DERISIVELY

HIGH-PITCHED WAIL

Let's be honest, it wouldn't be a week in the news

without clunge lord Eamonn Holmes bragging about his sex life.

I find I'm very hot in bed all the time.

And finally, it may just be me,

but I think this bloke's in love.

I don't think so, actually,

it's just...

# I've never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight

# I've never seen you shine so bright

# Hmm-mm-mm... #

So, this was definitely the big showbiz news of the week.

Baby-faced Justin Bieber's denied

he fathered a child with one of his fans.

20-year-old Mariah Yeater reckoned her and Biebs had a brief encounter

backstage after one of his concerts in October last year.

Justin Bieber can breed?!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Eurgh!

Imagine shagging Justin Bieber!

It'd be horrible!

Like being raped by a chipmunk!

Wouldn't it be great if she got an STD?

From then on, thrush would be known as Bieber fever.

So, where did this romantic meeting allegedly take place?

According to her, this all took place in a backstage toilet.

He did her in the backstage toilet?

I've never heard it called that before.

Still, I bet she had the time of her life.

It lasted only 30 seconds!

Sure that's where he got his song from.

"Baby, baby, baby!

"Ohh!"

The funniest thing about this story

is the gentle poetic language he allegedly used to woo her.

"He began touching me and repeatedly said

"he wanted to fuck the shit out of me!"

Filthy little Bieber!

Using words like that, he's only eight!

It's such a ridiculous saying. "I'm gonna fuck the shit out o' you!"

It's the least sexy thing you could possibly...

What you're basically saying is,

"I'm going to make love to you until there's no poo left in your body!

"No poo!

"You have no poo, I got rid of your poo!

"How does that sound?" It sounds repellent, you eight-year-old freak!

So, how has the world reacted to the claims that Bieber can breed?

Fair to say, not well!

APPLAUSE

Thank you!

The person I feel sorry for is Bieber's kid.

He's going to have a tough time at school.

KNOCK AT THE DOOR

Come in.

What is it, boy?

The other kids keep bullying me cos I'm Justin Bieber's son!

You're...Justin Bieber's son?

Uh-huh.

Next up, did you hear about the Russian cosmonauts

who spent a year and a half

in a container pretending to go to Mars?

An international crew of researchers has touched down in Moscow

after almost a year and a half of going boldly nowhere.

They were simulating a mission to Mars,

spending 520 days

locked in a windowless module.

Six men in a box

for 520 days.

I bet it fucking stunk in there!

Imagine when they opened the door?

"Urrgh!

"It's melting my face!"

Did you see the press conference?

Luckily, the BBC had a language expert on hand.

SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN

'Yep, that sounds like Russian to me!'

Good enough.

Imagine being locked away for 520 days.

No contact with the outside world.

Still, at least they were in there

having the time of their life!

The most exciting moment for the men

during their 17-month-long mission

was stepping out here onto this pile of sand.

I want to kill myself!

At least it was worth it.

They're now ready to actually go to Mars.

So, when are they going? This week? Next week?

How far away are we

-from a viable manned trip?

-To Mars?

-Yes.

-Decades.

You mean... That was a waste of...

I've been in the...

You bastards!

I've been drinking my own piss!

They must be so glad to be out.

Think of all of the momentous stories they've missed.

Osama Bin Laden is dead.

Colonel Gaddafi has been killed.

I AM on a drug - it's called Charlie Sheen!

And most importantly,

the poor souls have never seen this.

Shocking, innit? Imagine never seeing that.

Over in Europe, the big news was all about money.

Greece's political crisis continues.

Stock markets tumble.

Investors are panicking.

The stakes could not be higher.

Prime Minister Papandreou agrees to step down.

Buried under eurozone debt,

Italy's Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi says he will resign.

Austerity may bring the eurozone to its knees.

The leaders of the G20 met to solve the financial crisis.

They were all totally focused.

Well, not all of them.

Berlusconi takes a nap!

As world leaders try to save his economy!

He fell asleep!

Italy has debts of 1.6 trillion

and he went beddy-byes!

Berlusconi's had a shocker of a week.

The Italian media have been bugging his phone.

Listen to what he said.

The newly-leaked wire taps mark a new low

for the philandering billionaire prime minister,

who is heard boasting to a TV showgirl he is only

"Prime Minister in my spare time."

And complains that meetings with the Pope and world leaders

are interfering with his sex life.

How is he in charge of a country?

"I have to meet the Pope?!

"But I was gonna go dogging!"

He didn't stop there.

"Last night I had a queue outside the door of the bedroom,"

says Berlusconi.

"There were 11. I only did eight because I could not do it any more."

"Hey hey hey!

"I did eight!

"They call me Mr Octopussy!"

Bizarrely, he's not worried about the economy or sex scandals.

This is honestly his major concern.

Italy's Prime Minister is most upset over his album delay!

He's bringing out an album of love songs.

His country is crumbling

and he's there going, "They call me Mr Boombastic, really fantastic..."

Mind you, for all me criticising him,

I can't wait for that album to come out.

ZITHER MUSIC

It's here!

Now That's What I Call Bunga Bunga 69!

Berlusconi's big thumbs-up to his favourite vungabeats.

Featuring classic love songs like

Let's Go To Brown Town,

Please, Baby, Don't Tell My Wife

and the haunting ballad

What Do You Mean, She's 15? Get My Passport And Meet Me In Mexico!

Bunga Bunga 69!

It's Viagra for your ears!

You've really got to buy that. Everyone is buying that.

Now, my favourite sports story of the week was this.

Wayne Rooney makes his acting debut in wine advert.

You have to see this.

Wayne Rooney is a brilliant footballer,

but he is a terrible, terrible actor.

Guys, we have a problem.

The boss said that a new devil is arriving.

Is he well known?

Famous throughout the world.

What did they say about him?

They say

he is a legend.

"They say, he is a legend."

They say

he is a legend.

He's like a Scouse Forrest Gump.

"Life is like a box of chocolates,

"chocolatey."

Reckon there's actors from Hollyoaks watching that,

going, "He's good!"

I love the fact they try to sell wine by using Rooney.

He's hardly a connoisseur.

"This is white, this is red,

"that's rose."

As you can imagine, he's taking a pasting for his acting.

The Sun came up with a film he could remake.

Chavatar!

If I were Wayne, I wouldn't do adverts.

If he wants to perform, he should focus on goal celebrations

like the players of this Icelandic team.

These are genius.

MUSIC: Match Of The Day theme

Now, here's a beautiful love story about a duck.

Meet Crackers.

Crackers the female Muscovy Duck

and her mate Jack were inseparable

but, about four months ago,

tragedy struck.

Jack suddenly died of natural causes

and Crackers was left all alone and depressed.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

Ain't it sad?

-SQUEAKY VOICE:

-"I loved him so much!

"He was my soul mate."

"He had me at

"QUACK!"

That's the stupidest joke I've ever told in my life.

You probably think, ducks die all the time, why is this in the news?

Well, Crackers was so upset,

look what she did.

Grieving duck finds love through personal ad.

Her owners put a lonely-hearts ad in the paper for the duck.

I'd love to have seen that.

"Sexy female seeks mate with good sense of humour.

"Must like bread."

Maybe it was more specific.

"Hot mallard seeks dilf!"

Wouldn't it have been great

if there was a bloke who didn't realise it was written by a duck?

"Vegetarian, likes swimming and flying? She sounds perfect!"

Turns up to the restaurant.

"Why's that duck holding a red rose?

"Oh, for fuck's sake!"

Do you want to meet the duck that won her heart?

Course you do. He's called Carlos.

He's a bit of a player.

Ron Overberger says they got more than 20 phone calls.

One fit the bill.

A strapping young lad who just needed the right bird.

The Lord's blessed us with Carlos.

MUSIC: "You Sexy Thing" by Hot Chocolate

# I believe in miracles

# Where you from?

# You sexy thing... #

Sexy little bastard.

So, how are Carlos and Crackers getting on, now they've found love?

He's a very loyal husband to her.

Loyal husband? Is he?

Look what they caught Carlos doing later that day.

Just as we were leaving the farm

we went around the corner and saw this,

Carlos in the wings of another woman!

# Ass, titties

# Ass and titties

# Ass ass, titties titties

# Ass and titties. #

Son of a bitch!

Mind you, it's little wonder Carlos is shagging around.

You know what they say about him.

They say

he is a legend.

Could there be a weirder story involving animals? Yes, there can.

The animal rights charity PETA is in the news this week

because of their latest PR stunt.

America's most notorious animal rights group, PETA,

may have found the best new way to reach a wider audience.

What are they going to do? Rallies? Leaflet campaigns?

They're starting their own porn site.

An animal rights porn site?

What films are they going to show?

Two Girls, One Pup?

"Now, eat this shit, Derek!"

So, what can we expect to see on this site?

Well, the site will have its fair share of pornography,

and will expose viewers to graphic images of animal slaughterhouses.

Woo-hoo!

Perfect combo!

Imagine watching that. "Oh, yeah! Oh, that's the stuff."

"God,

"that's the most disgusting thing I've seen.

"Put it back on the dead penguin."

"Oh, Happy Feet!"

The whole idea is ridiculous.

A porn site with moral messages?

How's that going to work?

Our girls are filthy.

Like the living conditions of this donkey.

We'll make you so horny.

Unlike rhinos, who have their horns taken by poachers.

Give generously.

Just five wanks a month...

To give this little fella a hug.

PETA Porn.

It'll make your eyes pop out.

Now, if you think you've had a bad shopping experience,

you've nothing on this guy.

A trip to the grocery store ended badly for a Chandler man.

-Definitely makes me cringe.

-Very painful. Very, very painful.

Painful? Why? Did he run his foot over with the trolley?

What happened in this parking lot is hard for guys to even imagine.

Chandler police say a man accidentally shot his penis.

GROANING

He went shopping and shot his own wang!

Tell you what, you don't get that at Tesco.

Now he's lost half his dick, he will say, "Every little helps."

It's insane, isn't it? Who takes a gun shopping?

I told my mum about this story. Her response was amazing.

I was like, "Mum, did you hear? A man in the supermarket car park

"shot himself in the penis."

What was her reply? She went... And this is a direct quote,

"Well, some people will do anything to get a disabled parking space."

Mum! He didn't do it on purpose, did he?

So, what happened to this poor bloke?

The man had to be taken to the hospital for surgery.

Do you know what surgery he had?

Apparently, he shot a hole clean through his penis,

so they had to sew it back up.

Loads of tiny holes in his cock.

Imagine the conversation with the doctor.

"Will I be able to use it again?"

"Can you play the recorder?"

Poor sod!

Mind you, I feel worse for the people stood next to him at the bog.

Next up, this has to be the strangest horse show ever.

The contestants, proud parents

and judges were ready. One thing missing?

The only horses in the arena were in this bucket

because of an outbreak of a contagious and fatal

horse herpes virus.

Who gave a horse herpes?

APPLAUSE

Cos of a cold sore. Not from...

You people!

Despite the fact they had no horses, the show went ahead.

Look what they used instead.

We're testing the girl's knowledge and ability to adapt

and they get to ride stick horses tonight.

It is so brilliantly shit.

It's like redneck Quidditch.

There is, of course, a huge problem with stick horses -

what if one of the girls falls at a fence?

Come on, girl. Giddy up, now. Yee-ha!

My ankle, my ankle!

Actually, I'm fine.

It's the most humane way.

On an unrelated note, I'll be selling glue at the end of the show.

In Florida, health officials have come up with a strange way

to educate pensioners about sex.

The Florida Health Department wants folks to turn the tables,

asking children to have that awkward conversation

with their ageing parents.

Many older folks are now staying sexually active

well into their golden years,

with little experience practising safe sex.

Doctors in Florida want young people to teach pensioners about safe sex.

I can't think of anything worse.

"So, that, Nan, is why it's called teabagging.

"No, you hang up!"

It would be horrible. It'd take ages.

"Do you know what a 69 is?" "Yeah, it's a bus.

"We catch it every morning."

"No, no, it's eating for two." "Oh, Meals On Wheels."

"No, it's like when a man's... and the lady's..."

"Oh, we call that minge time cock smoking.

"No, you hang up!"

We'll never have to worry about this.

Old people in Florida might be having sex

but English pensioners don't bother with smut like that.

As this interview proves.

When we were engaged,

we did try up my anus.

I said, "In no way possible."

Dave's got rather a large cock

and I've got a very small bum. It was very, very painful.

No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

The weird thing is, they were only asked what the war was like!

This is the part of the show I don't know anything about.

There's a mystery guest that's been in the news. I have to guess who it is.

So, please welcome my mystery guest!

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Hello, I'm Russell, nice to meet you. What is your name?

-Connie Adam.

I have to guess. So, there's a sword here. Are you a fencer?

-Yes.

-Good!

That went really well!

I've never got them before. I just nailed that!

I said you would when you saw all the gear.

Well, that's the clue. There's literally nothing else.

So, why have you been in the news?

I've been in the news because I was the oldest lady fencer

to win two medals in one year.

I've won the European medal

and I won a World Champion medal

and I've also won Commonwealth Champion several times.

Well, that's worth a round of applause.

How long have you been fencing for?

I've been fencing now just over 24 years, I should think.

How often do you fence?

I fence once a week down at the University of East Anglia.

-Why is that?

-I kind of like fencing teenagers, especially university students.

Why's that?

Because they think there's an old dear who's not going to move

and you stand there and hit them!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, if you could fight anyone in the world, who would you fight?

-D'Artagnan.

-Nice.

I think you'd win.

I'd like to be the first lady Musketeer.

-That'd be great, wouldn't it?

-But I'd never be able to do that.

No, he's dead, isn't he?

It wouldn't matter if he was alive. I'm afraid of horses.

Oh, are you?

Maybe we could have the Three Musketeers

and one on a Shopmobility scooter.

-I could bring a walking frame.

-That'd be quite nice, wouldn't it?

It'd be good cos they'd think, "Oh, here comes an old lady,

"a mature woman, Zimmer frame - we've got no trouble there..."

You'd be at an advantage cos you could pick it up

and have a blade on either side!

Exactly. We've got to fight.

Are we going to have a fight?

Yes, but before we do that

I would like you to see a clip of me in action,

so you know what to expect.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-So, how does this work, then?

-Right, arm out straight.

This is to protect your body. Now, take a step forward and hit me.

I don't want to. It feels wrong.

You've never had a pair like this in your life.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# I got 99 problems but your tits ain't one

# Hit me! #

That's it!

Just take a step forward.

-Oh, no!

-Arms straight out.

-OK, fine.

-Step forward.

BUZZER SOUNDS

Oh, that was gentle.

Yeah, it feels like we're playing Operation.

BUZZER SOUNDS

And again.

I don't like doing it, it feels... It feels weird.

I know, because you're pussyfooting around it!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Right, now, we'll put the masks on.

-Put the masks on? Right, put this on.

Before you commence, you must salute your opponent and the audience.

They will shout, "Fence!"

When there's a light go on, they shout, "Halt!"

OK. Salute.

And to the people.

AUDIENCE: Fence!

-OK.

-Yeah. Oh, God! No!

-Oh, God.

-Didn't you hear the, "Fence"?

-No, I didn't, there was...

-Right.

AUDIENCE: Fence!

There you go. What are you doing?

I'm trying, you're too powerful!

I thought you always wanted to beat up an old lady.

-Now's your chance.

-No, I didn't! Why would I want to?

I think you're lovely. I want to run you a bath.

I don't want to beat you up.

I want to put you in a big Radox tub and treat you right.

That's all I want to do.

I want to do that, too!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Why have we always got to fight?

-I can't get down there, I've got false knees!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Let's fight, you lovable cyborg!

Right, what are you waiting for?

BUZZER SOUNDS

Had enough?

-Bow to your superior.

-I do.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much. Ladies and gentlemen,

please give it up for my mystery guest.

So, did you have fun on Bonfire Night?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

I tell you who didn't, the people watching this.

If you were out enjoying the fireworks last night,

spare a thought for the people of Oban.

A technical hitch saw the community fireworks

all released at the same time.

The event usually lasts half an hour. It was over in around a minute.

Loads of noise and over in a minute? Who does that remind me of?

# Baby, baby, baby, oh... #

Idiot Of The Week has to be this guy.

We've turned it into a cartoon, but the phone call is genuine.

So, was it a UFO?

Let's find out because he called back two minutes later.

Lastly, take a look at this amazing story about one woman's dying wish

to set up a holiday home for sick kids.

Wow! Look at that.

It's a chance to dream in what is a desperate life.

Three-year-old Phoebe lives with an immune disorder

from which she's already had two bone marrow transplants.

Here at least, though, is precious time in a holiday home by the sea.

Phoebe's one of hundreds of children who come here.

They all have life-threatening or terminal illnesses.

But here at Donna's Dream House,

at least there's a guarantee of some happiness.

It's thanks to an amazing legacy.

Donna was my daughter that died of cancer when she was 20 years old.

I opened up her little red box and she had left me three wishes.

One of them was to open up a holiday home here in Blackpool.

So, this is how Donna's dream has come about.

The treats come thick and fast.

Fantasy transport for special children given the freedom

-of all that Blackpool can offer.

-Children with caner can't just go anywhere.

They need to go to a specialised place.

This is provided by these volunteers and a fantastic family.

Everyone doing their part to help fulfil one woman's dying dream.

Sweet, isn't it? Thanks for watching Good News.

Good night.

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