Episode 4 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains strong language.

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much!

Hello and welcome to Good News.

Tell you what, Jim White was impressed when he met Jordan...

Wow! Seriously! They're that size! LAUGHTER

BBC North-West's Diane Oxberry told us why she doesn't trust old people.

One pooed on me when I was a kid and I've never forgiven them.

And I'm not sure Bryan Appleyard is as smart as Jeremy Paxman thinks.

Bryan Appleyard - you're a clever guy, wouldn't you rather be cleverer?

I don't know what that means.

On ITV, they had a man with a hand growing out of his back.

I'm not a water specialist, I wouldn't go in myself.

And finally, if you're interviewing the Dalai Lama,

don't try to tell him a joke.

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop...

HE SPEAKS TIBETAN

-Pizza?

-Pizza shop, yes...

Pizza shop. And says, can you make me one with everything...

OK!

Oh, yes. Ha!

Do you know what I mean?

Can you make me... one...with everything.

Theoretically possible.

Oh, I knew that wouldn't work!

In political news, Silvio Berlusconi has resigned.

After nearly a decade in power, served over three separate terms,

time has finally run out for Silvio Berlusconi.

That's right, he's resigned to spend more time with his loved ones -

by which he means... his cock and balls.

He's most famous for his bunga bunga parties. According to Silvio...

That's not what I heard...

If that's how he dances, I'd hate to see him on Strictly.

Nice to see you, to...

Ah...!

Somebody get him some armbands!

It's amazing it took this long for him to go.

He's said some outrageous things.

TRANSLATION: If I look a beautiful girl in the face,

it's better to like beautiful girls than to be gay.

I mean, yeah, I've had parties with prostitutes,

but at least I'm not a bum lord!

Towards the end, his attempts to stay in power just got crazy.

Did you see what he tried to rename his party?

It's like the Lib Dems turning round and going,

"We are the Minge-Hunters!"

On top of that, look who he compared himself to...

In 2006, he was quoted as calling himself

the Jesus of politics.

What, because he hung out with prostitutes?

That would have changed the Bible. "What are you doing?

"You're meant to feed the five thousand, not shag 'em!"

I'll tell you who won't miss Berlusconi -

Germany's Angela Merkel - they didn't exactly get on.

Silvio Berlusconi failed to greet his host

because he was on the phone.

Berlusconi was still on his call as leaders crossed the bridge.

But if that was bad,

look what the silver-tongued charmer called her later...

That's pretty rich, considering he looks like Mr Toad.

This was the big show biz news of the week...

After weeks of bad performances, bad feedback

and bad hair, Frankie Cocozza's run on The X Factor has come to an end.

Did you see the moment the news broke?

Frankie Cocozza has left ITV's The X Factor.

CROWD ERUPTS

So, why has he been booted off the show?

The only white powder he needs is delouser.

It wasn't drugs he boasted about...

How? He looks like an alcoholic weasel!

His jeans are so tight, when he gets his cock out,

it must be like road kill.

I don't care if he took drugs. If I was in charge of The X Factor,

I'd have them all on drugs - at least it would be interesting.

Imagine Louis Walsh watching this on acid...

# You fall in love, zing, boom

# The sky up above, zing, boom...

"I don't like the rabbit, Gary!"

"Don't worry, Louis!"

"Now the whole world has slowed down!"

SLOWLY: "No, Louis.

"This is just how I talk."

The most frightening development of this story,

Frankie is planning to bring out an album.

Yeah. This guy's seen a copy of the video.

Aaaaagh!

In sport, it's sad news for Geordies...

What's in a name? If you're a Newcastle United fan, quite a lot.

After almost 120 years, St James' Park will now be called

the Sports Direct Arena.

The fans were livid.

Who's going to refer to it as anything other than St James' Park?

-What passion!

-LAUGHTER

The ground is called St James' and nothing will make him change his mind.

What if it brings in some money for new players?

Aye, well, that'd be all right, like.

Fuck it, man, if we buy Wayne Rooney,

you can have a jump on me mum!

Most of the supporters were furious, but here's a tip.

If you want to get your point across, don't dress as a barcode.

We fill his pockets to come to the matches every weekend

and he's doing this.

No-one's taking us seriously. Cos you look like a badger's nut-sack!

From football to the Olympics and bad news for flashers.

If you streak at the 2012 Olympics, there could be costly repercussions.

Damn right, have you seen this?

Don't stop streaking! Streaking's wonderful!

Whose life isn't brightened up by seeing this?

Some brilliant crime stories this week.

First, a story from Huddersfield about an idiot.

How thick can you get?!

"Mum, look, I've got an iPad."

"Dave, that's a potato."

"Right, I'm phoning the police."

"They're not answering, Mum."

"Dave, you're holding a carrot."

Unbelievably, in case anyone else was fooled,

look at the handy diagram the Yorkshire Post printed.

LAUGHTER

Like there's going to be people going, "Oh, right!

"I thought this shepherd's pie tasted a bit iPad-y!"

So, who was selling these iPotatoes?

I think we all know who that was.

LAUGHTER

Mind you, if you think mistaking an iPad for a potato is thick,

check out this criminal trying to evade the police.

When he ran from police, the suspect climbed onto a roof.

Instead of giving up, he started jumping from roof to roof, trying to get away from police.

Surely they'll never catch that unstoppable ninja...!

Seconds later, he came down.

LAUGHTER

Trip...over...car.

My favourite crime story of the week has to be this belter from Rotherham.

An old lady has been the victim of a strange burglary.

The moral of this story is do not mess

with 79-year-old Barbara Gamston and keep your hands off her meerkats.

Back where they belong, in the arms of Barbara.

This trio of meerkats mean a lot to her.

Someone has stolen an old lady's plastic meerkats.

Look at the blow the budget Hollywood-style way

they show this terrible crime.

And, unbeknownst to Barbara,

spirited away to a house a couple of miles away.

But a tip-off from a friend led her to them.

They sellotaped it to a camera.

If you think the way they showed it was good,

check out what Barbara said when she found out someone had nicked her beloved meerkats.

When my daughter came, she said, "Mother, your meerkats have gone."

So, I politely said, "Blow me."

LAUGHTER

"Well, we can do that, Mum,

"but we should probably just get the meerkats back."

It's such an amazing reaction to a crisis. "The meerkats are gone!" "Blow me."

So, where were the meerkats?

It turns out they were spotted in a garden three miles away.

Check out what this wonderful woman did to get them back.

An SAS raid?! "Margaret, cover me. Linda, fetch the zip wire!

"If I die, tell Titchmarsh I loved him."

Despite her plan, there was a tragic incident.

Sadly, not all of them made it. The trio was once a quartet.

One meerkat was chewed to pieces by an unfriendly dog during the escapade.

"Nooooo!

"They've got Roger! I loved you so much, Roger."

"I loved you too, but I fear death has come for me."

"You can't die, Roger, you can't die!

"Don't tell the others, but I think you were my favourite."

"Barbara, have you learned nothing?

"You must never compare the meerkats."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

"Have we taught you nothing, Barbara?"

"Is there anything I can do for you, Roger, before you die?

"Blow me."

To be honest, we shouldn't feel sorry for Roger.

I found some extra footage from the news

and before the dog got him, he had quite the adventure.

Not tonight, pal.

Argh!

MUSIC POUNDS

# Ass, titties, ass and titties

# Ass, ass, titties, titties

# Ass and titties. #

APPLAUSE

Over in Canada, love is in the air.

The relationship that's formed between a pair of penguins

at a zoo in Canada is drawing attention from around the world.

Buddy and Pedro make mating calls to each other, groom each other and hang out together.

Some are referring to the two male penguins as a gay couple.

Toronto Zoo has a couple of gay penguins.

Look at the way it was covered by Taiwanese news.

Like many animals, Buddy and Pedro are gay.

# Hello

# Is it me you're looking for?

# I can see it in your eyes

# I can see it in your smile. #

That... That was on the news!

They're really going for it aren't they?

-Maybe that explains the way penguins walk.

-LAUGHTER

Ohhhhh!

Ohhhh.

Luckily they're surrounded by ice. Tssss!

Unfortunately, there's been some heartbreaking news for Buddy and Pedro.

It's so sad, innit?

Apparently, a Hollywood film is already planned.

GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Finally in this section, let's pop over to Russia.

It's hard to believe this road in Moscow, Russia

was the scene of complete chaos on Sunday.

Chaos? Bloody roadworks, I suppose.

A drunken, naked motorist sped through the city,

crashing into 17 cars.

That is how you lose your licence!

"I was doing 34 in a 30."

-"I drive car with dick!"

-LAUGHTER

"I make new game, Grand Theft Sex Pest."

"Hurgh!"

-Luckily...

-LAUGHTER

I don't know what that was, right?

Luckily, nobody was hurt. So, what happened to this bloke when the police caught him?

Did they put him in jail?

No, they laid him on the floor like a shaved bear.

LAUGHTER

Look at him! He's like Mr Blobby's pissed brother.

In fairness, you do get a little crazy after an accident.

Check out this bloke from Arizona.

This has to be the most animated description of a prang ever.

All of a sudden, I was just minding my own business. Bam!

Hit me hard, right in the back. I was glued in my seat.

I could see the car in front of me and I was about to hit him,

so I veered off this way.

Boom, boom, fire, smoke, everything. It made a big, loud noise like boom!

The wires came down, then arc, fire was coming out.

Sparking, blowing up.

It was like a big rainbow, boom, it was like boom, boom!

APPLAUSE

This has to be the strangest fight ever.

Brandon Parham is the manager of The Wireless Center on Pearl Road.

Last week, he witnessed their mascot, a gorilla, getting jumped.

A mobile phone company gorilla mascot was attacked. Pretty funny.

Funnier when you find out who jumped him.

A man dressed as a gorilla was attacked by a man

dressed as a banana.

Listen to the way the shop manager describes the tussle.

The kid in mid-air, flying like a Spartan from 300, kind of.

Except he was a banana.

LAUGHTER

Brilliant. This poor bloke just can't get his head around it.

The gorilla will recover.

As for The Wireless Center, they think the whole situation is...

Bizarre. I guess.

Not...normal of the food chain.

LAUGHTER

Tell me about it, mate.

It's a nightmare when your food fights back.

Next up, I challenge you to find a weirder relationship story than this.

A bloke in Zimbabwe slept with a prostitute

and she turned out to be a donkey.

Is anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?

Should've gone to Specsavers!

Imagine the police reporting the crime!

"Sarge, we've got a criminal here. What's he doing?

"Have you ever played Buckaroo?"

LAUGHTER

"Yeah, well, he's not doing that, he's fucking it."

LAUGHTER

"No, you hang up."

The best bit about this story...

the excuse the bloke gave when he was caught.

I think you're also a bullshitter!

That's the worst excuse ever. Somebody caught stealing biscuits...

"Why are you stealing the biscuits?"

-"Cos I'm a biscuit?"

-LAUGHTER

It's shocking, innit? You should never play with an animal for pleasure.

Well, unless it's this...

This is the part of the show I don't know anything about -

a mystery guest who's been in the news.

I have to figure out who that person is.

Please welcome my mystery guest.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello.

-Hello, Russell.

-Nice to meet you.

-And you, sir.

-What's your name?

-My name's Rocky Taylor.

-Rocky Taylor!

-Yeah.

-Does Rocky have anything to do with why you're here?

Looks like it's got something to do with memorabilia.

Yes, sir.

Do you have the world record for the most film memorabilia in the world?

I have just won the Guinness Book Of Record, but not for this.

-Are those Sugar Puffs?

-Yeah. Oh, that's a little clue for you.

-I was the original Honey Monster.

-You were the original Honey Monster?!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Tell them about the honey, Mummy!

I thought that was Pat Butcher(!)

-LAUGHTER There's been a lot more since, but I was the original.

-What was the line?

-People probably didn't hear that.

-Tell them about the honey, Mummy.

-Have you ever used that line in your personal life?

-No, sir!

-Is that why you've been in the news?

-Sort of why,

but that's not the reason for being in the news.

-You've been an extra?

-Not an extra.

-Have you been in all these films?

-I have been in all these films.

-You're going to have to give me a clue.

-I'm going to show you something later, a fight scene.

You're going to be involved with me in a fight scene.

-You're a stuntman?

-Yes.

Are you the world's... You're the most stunts ever.

LAUGHTER No.

You've not... Just fucking tell me, man!

I'm the most experienced stuntman around at the moment.

This is my 50th year as a stunt performer and stunt coordinator.

-That's worth a round of applause.

-APPLAUSE

Can I have a look at you in action?

What we're going to do, if you don't mind,

is we're going to make you have a little fight scene with me.

A fight scene? Well, it's about time we did that(!)

-There's a clip we'll show you.

-Sweet, let's have a look.

THEME MUSIC FROM JAMES BOND

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We're going to show you a bit of fighting that goes on in the film business.

They call it our bread and butter money.

-That sounds fun. Where shall we start?

-Start here. I'll throw a punch to you

and your head has to go that way as the fist comes by.

-OK.

-Bang. Now, you watch this, ladies and gentlemen.

Now, watch that quick. Bang!

-That looks like I've hit you, right?

-Yeah.

So, the first one is that. You're going to do that to me as well.

That one, then we're going to come into there, that one.

-You have to then fold up.

-I have to go ohhh!

And your feet come off the ground.

That's it, as if you've been hurt.

-OK.

-So, we'll do that in two?

-Yes.

One, slowly, bang. And then bang.

LAUGHTER

You do it to me. Just come into here.

Ooof!

Right? Do it again. Put it in, but just pull it when you hit me.

That's it, that's good. Argh!

That's good. Do it again.

Argh, yes! Good.

This one, you're going to go bang into there. No, this one first.

-Like that.

-And then across.

-All right.

-Right, do that. Oof, ooh, that's good!

-There you go.

-Right, good?

I enjoyed that, yeah.

-Grab that bottle. See that bottle?

-Yeah!

Grab that, not too tight, else it'll break.

-Then you hit me here...

-Oh, right, so I start it?

-..with that part of the bottle.

-Yeah.

-All right? So, put that back.

-Fine.

-So, this is how we're going to start.

-I'm going to come into you.

-Yeah.

Bang. Then I pick up the bottle,

-you turn away as if you're going to walk out the door.

-Swagger.

-And I crash you.

-Yeah, fine.

-Then, after you've had that, you run and pick that up.

-Yeah.

See? You hit me, on the back, with that.

So, it's like there...

-Like that, crack.

-Yeah, yeah.

-All right?

-Yeah, great.

I go down to here.

It's like the biggest fight ever!

I'm going to come up, grab you, and I go, "Yes!"

And you're going to go backwards, like that, crash.

-OK.

-And land on your bum.

-Right.

-LAUGHTER

-Let's do it, sod it.

-Sure?

-Yeah.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Get warmed up... Oh!

THUD!

LAUGHTER

-Have you hurt yourself?

-Yeah.

Ah, man! Argh!

I think I broken my finger, man, that really hurt!

I was going to try and do a press-up on it.

-Fucking hell, that really hurts!

-You want to go and see the medic?

I'll be all right, fine. It's going to have to be right-handed.

LAUGHTER

Ai-ai-ai, I think I've broken my finger.

-Yeah. Sorry.

-Sorry about that!

I'll be back in a minute, I've just fucked myself up.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So... Hey, you, I've told you, stop looking at my old woman. I mean it.

-I'm going to throw you through that window.

-She's looking at me, though.

LAUGHTER

-I'm telling you, don't do it!

-Tell her, tell her!

-Don't tell me, you son of a bitch!

-Argh!

Oof!

Ooh!

Crazy son of a bitch!

Ow!

Argh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Victory!

Ladies and gentlemen, my mystery guest, the wonderful Rocky!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Have a look at this story about a group of eco warriors

who make you proud to be British.

The spotlight is still on the small village

near Scarborough where the costly battle for one tree goes on.

There's a group of protesters who are tying to save a tree.

I think the tree's going to survive,

because you rarely see commitment this inspiring.

Are you prepared to break the law?

Well, we'll see, we'll see.

So you're not saying no?

And I'm not saying yes.

Defiance!

He's not the only brave soldier willing to risk his life.

What are you going to do if someone says,

"You've got to get out, we're here with the chainsaw."?

Well, I'll obviously get out. I'm not going to get squashed or flattened.

I'm not stupid.

He's such a hero!

With passionate warriors like him,

there's no way that tree is going to be chopped down!

In fact, one day,

I'm going to take my grandchildren to see that very tree.

And, just over an hour ago,

the beech tree hit the ground with an almighty thud.

Fuck it, Disneyland it is.

So, what's going to happen to this fallen tree?

Some of the protesters here today has asked for part of the trunk to be saved for them.

They want to turn it into a sculpture or perhaps a memorial plaque.

I've seen the sculpture.

LAUGHTER

This is the most surprising statistic I've learnt this week.

Who took the cheese?

That's the question a lot of retail stores are asking.

A new study found that cheese is the most stolen food in the world.

Police are looking for suspects.

I bet these two are shitting themselves.

LAUGHTER

Do you reckon there's criminal gangs? "Did you get the diamonds?"

"No, I got a Dairylea Dunker."

I'll tell you what, if gangs are stealing cheese,

there's going to be some confusion.

You idiot! I told you to get me a Mini Babybel!

CLANG!

Tonight's story is about a project called Playing For Change

that uses music to connect and help people all around the world.

Ten years ago, Grammy-Award-winning music producer Mark Johnson

had an idea that began with one powerful voice.

# Stand by me

# No matter who you are. #

He had so much soul in his voice.

I said to him, "With a voice like yours, why are you singing on the street?"

And he said, "Cos, man, I'm in the joy business. I come out here to bring joy to the people."

And that was a great start for a project to try to connect the world.

A voice like Roger, a song like Stand By Me and a man in the joy business.

On a shoestring budget, Mark travelled the world,

recording little-known musicians.

Some he found in places where music was a refuge from hardship and war.

He called his project Playing For Change.

The project is also building and funding music schools in places

where Mark found his street musicians.

My theory of music is if you provide people with the opportunity

to listen, they can use music as a tool to make their lives better,

to connect to other people, and to enjoy their lives.

Great, wasn't it? Thanks very much for watching Good News. Goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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