Episode 1 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

Hello, and welcome back to the new series of Good News. Hope you're well.

So what's been happening whilst I've been away?

Over at Daybreak, Dan Lobb revealed what he likes to cover his ladies in.

Plain lemon and sugar. Classic.

LAUGHTER

Is it me? I don't think Sky News are fans of Oscar Wilde.

-Oscar Wilde said it better than most.

-Yes.

-He said...

-We have to leave it there, I'm afraid.

Thank you very much.

LAUGHTER

And finally, Ross King really needs to work on his mime skills.

LAUGHTER

INDISTINCT SPEECH

I thank you.

So the big news of the weekend was this.

The 158th Oxford and Cambridge boat race

was suspended in dramatic fashion this afternoon

after a protester swam out into the path of the boats.

Cambridge have stopped. What can you tell us?

We've stopped rowing. There's a man swimming across between the boats, both crews had to stop.

The protester was called Trenton.

Hmmmm.

What did that remind me of?

Trenton! Trenton! LAUGHTER

Oh, Jesus Christ!

LAUGHTER

His full name was Trenton Oldfield. Did you see why he was protesting?

It emerged he was protesting, apparently, about elitism.

You can't protest about elitism with a name like Trenton Oldfield.

LAUGHTER

Sounds like something David Cameron calls his penis.

LAUGHTER

"Cleggy, come here and touch Trenton Oldfield!"

He likes you!

If you want to stop elitism, don't interrupt the race,

turn up with a boat from a shit uni.

Wouldn't that be great?

"Cambridge and Oxford are ready to go...

"Oh, look, it's Huddersfield Uni."

LAUGHTER

"They appear to be on a pedalo."

-NORTHERN ACCENT:

-"How do, bastards!

"Sorry we're late, Dave shit himself.

"Hiya!"

LAUGHTER

This Trenton bloke is clearly a bit of a dick.

I read some of his blog.

Did you see what he claims the boat race leads to?

LAUGHTER

So that's why Hitler snapped. Rowing.

LAUGHTER

As ever, the papers slightly overreact.

"What if he ruins the Olympics?! We need to spend millions!"

No, if you want to stop people swimming in the Thames, don't spend millions.

Just put this guy in the water.

LAUGHTER

Staying with the water theme, terrible news for Middle England.

-Hosepipe ban.

-Hosepipe ban.

-Hosepipe ban.

-Hosepipe ban.

-Hose...

-Hose...

-Hose...

-Hose...

-Hose...

-Hose...

-Hosepipe ban.

Get a bucket.

LAUGHTER

People lost it. Look how dramatic this guy is.

Unless we get water on this green in the next few weeks,

it will disappear.

NOOOOOOO!!

THE BOWLING GREEN!!!

LAUGHTER

The best reaction, though, had to go to the Daily Mail.

Check out their advice to beat the ban.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

They even printed this.

It's like they're suggesting you become disabled

just so you can have a nice lawn.

"Break my leg, Cynthia, the geraniums are dying."

LAUGHTER

Mind you, if you were disabled, you'd have to take the piss.

I bet Stephen Hawking's in his garden like that -

Kssssssh!

"Ha, ha, ha!" Kssssssh!

"I haven't even got a lawn!" Kssssssh!

"Although should I have watered this close to electrical equipment?"

-Kssssssh!

-LAUGHTER

"That's the way I roll!"

LAUGHTER

-For me, the... Worst impression you'll ever see of Stephen Hawking.

-LAUGHTER

For me, the most depressing thing about the ban - no paddling pools!

Which means we'll miss out on moments like this.

LAUGHTER

Over in Scotland, remember the pandas brought to Edinburgh Zoo last year?

Well, there's been some disappointing news.

The giant pandas at Edinburgh Zoo have failed to mate.

Or as the Metro put it...

LAUGHTER

The news were all over it, "Will they? Won't they?"

They even explained how the zookeepers tried to spice things up.

The zoo opened what it calls "the love tunnel"

between their two compounds.

Yes. And switched off the cameras to give them a bit of privacy.

LAUGHTER

I love the fact they turned the cameras off, like that was the thing stopping them.

"Look, the cameras are off!"

"Let's get nasty."

LAUGHTER

Then again, maybe they were gutted.

Maybe they love being watched.

Stood there, "Oh, bugger!"

"They've turned the cameras off."

"We were going to recreate the Tulisa sex tape."

LAUGHTER

"Why...why are you banging it on your head?"

"I don't know..."

LAUGHTER

What I love about that, that really sorts out the people who've seen it from the people who haven't.

LAUGHTER

Loads of health stories kicking about.

First up, bad news for meat lovers.

Eating red meat can dramatically increase your risk

of dying prematurely from heart disease or cancer.

Or, as they put it in America...

Hot dogs cause butt cancer.

LAUGHTER

They just don't muck around.

"Hot dogs cause butt cancer, and burgers? They can make your nipples explode."

LAUGHTER

So apparently, red meat gives you cancer.

-Were you scared?

-No!

No. Exactly the same as my mum.

It's like, "Mum, red meat gives you cancer."

What was her reply? "Don't worry, Russ, paint it with Tipp-Ex."

LAUGHTER

"I'm not an idiot."

LAUGHTER

Did you see the way the BBC reported it?

First they tell us red meat is lethal, then they show this.

It may not be all that good for us,

but a lot of us enjoy it all the same.

Don't show that!

It looks amazing, look at it!

That's not food, it's pork porn! Look at it!

LAUGHTER

If you want to stop us eating bacon, show this.

AUDIENCE: Aaaah.

Show that, you're like, "I will never eat bacon again!"

Show the sandwich, you're like, "Oh, God, I need one now, get me a pig and a hammer."

LAUGHTER

But I'm fed up of these stories.

These scary foods stories, they get ridiculous.

Every time you open a paper, it's "Don't eat this, don't eat that."

I mean, look at this headline.

LAUGHTER

Bollocks!

What, there are gangs of kids,

"Don't step to me, man, I got a belly full of Utterly Butterly."

LAUGHTER

"I'm full of the stuff."

It's nonsense.

I'll tell you what, though, if margarine does make you angry,

this guy must be an arsehole.

LAUGHTER

Imagine what he's like when you close the fridge door.

"Fuck you, Mullerice!

"I'll kick you in the Fruit Corner!"

LAUGHTER

"La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la..."

"You're all pricks!"

"I'm off to make some more holes in the Swiss cheese."

Finally in health, I've saved the weirdest story for last.

Check out the latest claim about alcohol.

New research is suggesting

that a couple of drinks may actually boost creativity.

Bollocks!

All it does is make you confident.

Booze can leave you so pumped up,

you think you're a world-class surfer.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Some truly mad stories from around the globe.

First up, over to Australia and a sexy way to travel.

Air Australia is offering you the chance

to join the prestigious Mile High Club.

The hour-long flight includes a private cabin in the back

with a double bed, champagne and chocolates for you and your partner.

Classic Australia, innit.

Over here, we're not allowed to take fluids on board,

they're flinging theirs about.

I'd love to see the plane windows.

Do you reckon there'll be birds like this?

LAUGHTER

"This is great!"

"Or it would be if I wasn't an owl.

"Why is she doing this?"

HE CHUCKLES

It isn't just the sex.

Look what else the Aussies are offering.

After the flight, you receive a Mile High Club certificate

and commemorative pin.

Why have they got a certificate?

"What's that for, Dad?"

"Did your mum at 50,000 feet.

"Pretty weird, actually, son, there was an owl watching.

"I don't know if you've ever made love staring at an owl, it's pretty weird.

"You can't escape the gaze, their head can turn around completely."

LAUGHTER

"Like a furry lighthouse."

A Mile High Club.

Now there may be a few of you going, "Oh, sounds quite romantic!"

You people are wrong.

You are.

The pilot will be an Australian man, and you'll know what his announcements will be like.

Imagine that - "In the event of any turbulence, she's going to bloody love it."

LAUGHTER

"If I warn you, if we do crash, I'll join in."

LAUGHTER

You think I'm joking, it's true.

Aussie men are pretty blunt.

Now what do you reckon Kate and Wills are going to get up to

on their honeymoon?

All right...Can we say it on TV?

Well, it depends.

Anal.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Next, South Africa. If you think you've got a strange job, you've got nothing on this bloke.

He's a lion beauty therapist!

Imagine that.

"Tough day at work?" "Yeah, I gave a lion a vajazzle."

LAUGHTER

It's unbelievable, check out the treatment he gives the lion.

Massage!

-Fuck that!

-LAUGHTER

What if the lion wants a happy ending?

# Can you feel the love tonight... #

HE ROARS

Lion beauty therapy isn't the only thing happening to cats.

There's a bizarre new internet craze called breading.

"What's breading?" I hear you ask.

Breading is this.

LAUGHTER

It's this.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Don't applaud that, that's racist. And...

LAUGHTER

..some people take it too far.

AUDIENCE: Aaaah.

It doesn't just work with cats.

If anything, it's more fun with your nan.

LAUGHTER

From breading to a shocking advert in Turkey. Look at this.

They've used Hitler in a shampoo ad.

You don't believe me? Here it is.

It's fucking unbelievable, isn't it?

Do you reckon they are sat around,

"Who shall we use, hot girls, Jenson Button... What about Hitler?"

LAUGHTER

"He killed millions!"

"Yeah, but he never had dandruff."

Understandably, people are livid.

Oh, I don't know. This is pretty funny.

From a shocking advert to a shocking food story.

Check out the latest Kiwi delicacy.

LAUGHTER

No, no, no, no, no, no.

They're drinking horse semen!

Can you imagine how Greg "walking thesaurus" Wallace would describe that.

In my mouth now, I've got a floral, sweet, oaty fish biscuit.

LAUGHTER

Now, you're probably thinking, how did they show this story on the news,

people drinking it, footage of it getting bottled?

No, they showed this.

The healthy vigour of a stallion.

And a libido many admire with envy.

Well, now they can get a taste of it with a swig of stallion semen.

That was on their news!

LAUGHTER

You never see that over here.

Our newsreaders warn us about flash photography.

Imagine them introducing that. "Viewers of a nervous disposition may want to look away now.

"You're about to see two foot of angry horse dick."

LAUGHTER

"Roger." "It's all going off here!"

LAUGHTER

But in New Zealand they don't care.

They even showed you how it was made.

The semen is extracted from the stallion using an artificial vagina.

It's being made into a milkshake.

AUDIENCE: Urgh!

Well, that is one milkshake that won't bring all the boys to the yard.

It's never going to catch on down McDonald's.

"Banana flavour? Hell, no, get me a pint of pony fuck muck."

LAUGHTER

"All right, I'll have a McFlurry, then. Jesus!"

You're probably thinking, understandably, why would you possibly drink this?

Well, here is the reason.

And if swallowed by a human, could bring a week of heightened sexual desire.

No, it won't!

How would it possibly make you attractive to women?

Drinking that would pretty much be the exact opposite of the Lynx Effect.

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

GIRLS: Eew!

THE GIRLS SCREAM

Mmmmmmm.

He's drinking horse juice!

MUSIC STOPS

Girls?

Girls!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE: Urgh.

Minty!

LAUGHTER

The race to become Mayor of London is heating up.

The campaign boiled over today with a row over tax affairs

between rivals Boris Johnson and Ken Livingstone.

-KEN:

-If you want to do tax avoidance,

you do what his employers do.

Can I get a word in edgeways?

BORIS: The guy's a bare-faced liar.

What happened on radio was nothing.

Did you see what happened afterwards in the lift?

REPORTER: The mayoral candidates had walked into a lift.

It's reported that inside,

-Boris Johnson called Ken Livingstone a

-BLEEP

-liar.

LAUGHTER

To be honest, pretty bland for Boris, innit?

You expect something like,

"You, Livingstone, are a bum-tickling flibbertigibbet.

"And I belch in your father's armpits."

Ding! "This is my floor. Player out."

LAUGHTER

So why was Boris swearing?

Apparently, he was angry at how Ken Livingstone pays his tax.

To be honest, I'm more concerned about Ken's wife.

I run a small company,

I employed my wife for three years to sit in the attic.

LAUGHTER

Jeez! What company does he run? The Anne Frank Experience?

Away from this spat, have you been watching the campaign trail?

There's been some vintage Boris moments.

Who should be the next England football manager?

Erm...

Quickly?

I think it should be, um...

Old, um...

What's his face.

He's just so funny.

Who else looks at a book like this?

He looks like a gibbon having a tricky shit.

So has his foul language affected his chances of winning?

Well, this lady has certainly made her mind up.

And chance of counting on your support on the 3rd of May?

-No.

-In the election?

-No, no.

This has to be one of the maddest stories I've seen in a long time.

Check this out.

A burglar caught in the act at the Fleming-Neon IGA,

but it wasn't what police say he was stealing,

but how they say troopers found Andrew Toothman.

That's what people here can't seem to stop talking about.

You're probably thinking, "I don't think it was that weird." Oh...

Oh, it was.

They say they found the 23-year-old inside the store

wearing nothing but black boots,

covered in chocolate and peanut butter.

What?!

"Should I nick the till? No!

"No, no, I'm going to turn myself into a Snickers bar!"

So why did he do it?

Well, his grandad did an interview with the news, and he reckons he knows why.

Unfortunately, his grandad is impossible to understand.

Somebody snaked him.

-HE SPEAKS INCOMPREHENSIBLY

-..he said it was bath salts.

LAUGHTER

No idea, something about bath salts.

Whatever he snorted, it's powerful stuff,

look what it did to his brother!

Now, this is a cracking story.

Yes, indeed. Have you seen this?

A girl went to the dentist, and the medicine they gave her left her brilliantly spaced out.

Her mum videoed her, cotton buds in her mouth and everything.

Here it is. Enjoy.

You've had your wisdom teeth taken out.

Going to get you medicine. More medicine.

Aaaaaah!

Yes, she does.

It gets better.

Check out where she thinks she lives.

You live in Hogwarts?

You're a wizard?

"I forgot all about it!

"Why we are driving, I've got a fucking broom!"

It gets even better, right?

She thinks the dentist has put a spell on her.

-So she hatches a plan.

-LAUGHTER

What do we do?

What?

Revenge?

How are we going to do that?

Whoa...

"I've got a lightsabre!"

A lot of people said her mum was cruel to video her.

To be honest, could have been worse.

When some people are out of it, their mates really take the piss.

That was the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.

There's going to be a mystery guest who's been in the news, and I have to figure out who that person is.

-So please welcome my mystery guest.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello.

-How's it going?

-How are you, mate? I'm Russell.

-I'm good, you?

-Excellent.

-What's your name, my friend? Sunni.

-Sunni?

-Yes.

-Sweet.

Sunni, I imagine it has something to do with radios.

Er...not particularly, no...

Do you, er... Is it sculptures? Do you make sculptures out of...

-No.

-..things people don't need any more?

-No.

No? Am I close in any way?

-No.

-LAUGHTER

-Look around, look around here.

-So it's got something to do with graffiti?

-Yeah.

Are you a graffiti artist?

-No.

-OK...

-LAUGHTER

-Nice, again, I like the way you pulled me in and then pushed me out.

-LAUGHTER

Um... So music and graffiti?

-Mmm.

-Do you sing to paint?

-LAUGHTER

-No.

-No.

Nowhere near.

I love the fact that all the things have something to do with tyres.

-No...

-Do you live feral? Is that what it is?

-Nothing to do with tyres.

-Has it got anything to do with tyres?

I think it's just a seat, to be honest.

-I know it's a seat...

-LAUGHTER

I know it's a seat, but why the fuck is there a tyre underneath it?

-Comfort.

-For comfort?

-LAUGHTER

Mate, you want to get a La-Z-Boy, they're amazing. So it's got nothing to do with anything here.

-Give me a clue, at least, as to why you've been in the news.

-Er...

I think it's probably easier if I show you what I do instead of tell you.

Well, I'll look forward to that.

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

That was wonderful.

-So, you're a breakdancer?

-Yes.

-Lovely stuff.

And why... Are you the youngest breakdancing champion in England?

-No. I, um...

-Ooh, awkward!

-Yeah.

-LAUGHTER

There's probably a five-year-old, and he's just like....

-LAUGHTER

-Then why are you in the news?

I came second in the World Championships this year.

-Well, there you go, that's worth a round of applause.

-APPLAUSE

Who beat you? Who is this prick?

-A stupid American.

-A stupid American?

-A stupid American.

Damn. What were his moves?

Stupid American moves.

RUSSELL LAUGHS

Can you teach me any of these moves?

-I am going to teach you, but first I've got a VT coming up showing my stuff.

-Oh, I'd love to see that.

-Lovely. Do you want to introduce it, your moment on telly?

-Oh...

-This is my VT!

-Yaaay!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

FUNKY MUSIC

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So...

Sunni?

-Yes.

-Take me through your moves.

-Teach me how to dirty, te-te-teach me how to dirty.

-OK.

LAUGHTER

Fast move, easy.

One leg in front of the other.

-I can do that.

-Wrong leg.

LAUGHTER

Would anyone really be pernickety, would a rival crew go, "Ooh, he's gone right first."

Do you have to be left? Has to be left?

You want to cross your body like this.

APPLAUSE

Nice!

OK, so now this leg, you're going to jump on to it like this.

LAUGHTER

-So here?

-Yeah, so it's like that?

-Lean back.

-Lean back.

-Jump.

-Jump.

This leg down.

On to your knee.

Pose. Pose for the camera.

Spin up.

-Pose.

-Pose.

LAUGHTER

-Now I've taught you, we're going to work together.

-Yeah?

I've got some comperes, and we're going to do a little dance battle.

-Sweet, let's take 'em down.

-Yeah!

MUSIC: "It's Like That" by Run-DMC Vs Jason Nevins

CHEERING

-I'll go first.

-You're going to go... You go first.

-I'll go first.

Yeah, and then tag me in!

LAUGHTER

CHEERING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING

-All right?

-Yeah.

You're next.

CHEERING

Ohhhhh!

CHEERING

Oooh!

CHEERING

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well done. Well done.

That...

That's going to be on telly for many years.

LAUGHTER

-Please give it up for my wonderful mystery guest! Thank you!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Next up, over in the animal kingdom, a brilliant new discovery.

Have you seen how flies cope with heartache?

LAUGHTER

According to "scientific research",

when flies are heartbroken, they get pissed.

How did they find this out?

How small would your breathalyser have to be?

"Blow into this, mate."

"Fuck off!"

"Someone get me a tequila!"

Maybe that's why they bang their head on the window.

"SHE - BROKE - MY - HEART!"

"Why is she going out with Darren?

"He's a prick!

"I've seen him on a Comic Relief video getting in a baby's eye.

"He's a bastard!"

"She wouldn't even give me a hand job.

"I was like, you've got six hands.

"Oh, no, look, me humans are undone, look.

"You see, cos I'm a fly, I don't call 'em flies.

"I call 'em... WELL, FUCK YOU, THEN!"

I'm going on Take Me Out.

I shouldn't take the piss, some of the flies get really drunk.

I am...fucked.

Now, this is a lovely story about Hannah Jones

and the inspirational work she's done

in raising awareness for people with brain tumours.

19-year-old student Hannah Jones

was told that she would never go to university.

See you later.

But she's defied the doctors,

and is now in her first year studying at Chester.

At 15, Hannah was diagnosed with a brain tumour,

and later on the tumour was found to be cancerous.

The cancer came back after my second operation, which meant I needed to have a third operation.

And that led to me having a stroke.

You know some people say, "Oh, why me, why me?"

Why NOT me?

It's got to happen to someone.

I'd rather it happen to me than any of my family members,

because I don't know, I'm up for the fight.

If the cancer's up for a fight, then I'm going to fight it back.

Hannah is passionate about her campaign to raise awareness about brain tumours,

especially in children,

and she's sent an e-petition with more than 4,000 signatures to Downing Street.

She's launched her own charity selling Hannah's hoodies,

and was chosen as the charity of the year by her local supermarket in Chester.

You are really lucky to be here and to be enjoying life,

so you've got to stay positive, really, and enjoy it,

because you've been given it, and that's what you should live for.

-Damn right, there you go!

-APPLAUSE

Lovely, lovely little story to end the show.

So there you have it.

Thanks very much for watching Good News.

Good night, my friends. Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd