Episode 2 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thanks very much.

Thanks very much indeed.

Hello, and welcome to Good News.

So, what's been happening? It's all going off at Sky News.

First, Jacquie Beltrao revealed her wrestling name.

Thighs without mercy.

Then Peter Spencer turned to stone.

Some people can be so mistrustful.

Peter, thank you. Coming up on Boulton & Co,

we'll hear from both sides of the row...

Here's a tip. If you're trying to avoid being on camera,

this is not how you do it.

There is a long-time city ordinance that allows these businesses,

these practices...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So, what's been going on?

Did anyone else see all those people celebrating the Titanic?

Setting sail to the site of the sinking.

The cruise to remember the Titanic.

They're marking the 100th anniversary of the Titanic

by sailing a boat!

How insensitive is that?!

People drowned - let's go cruising!

It doesn't stop there. Apparently, they're serving a pudding on board

called the "Iceberg".

That's the thing that killed them!

You wouldn't serve JFK's family a rifle trifle!

The papers have been all over this story.

Some of the conspiracy theories as to why the ship sunk

were hilarious.

But this was definitely my favourite.

APPLAUSE

How?!

Did the icebergs look like this?

"Ron Weasley dead ahead!"

It's so ridiculous!

Now, talking of stupidity,

the reaction on Twitter has been incredible.

Do you reckon she typed that with her face?

Not my favourite tweet, though. That goes to the twat-tastic Jedward.

You have no idea!

As if those poor people didn't suffer enough,

"We're going to drown! We're going to...

"What's that noise?!"

# His name is John

# My name is Edward

# And together we are Jedward... #

SCREAMING

# Jedward... #

# Jedward... #

Elsewhere in Britain, the National Trust has come up with

a list of 50 things kids need to do before they're 12.

Climbing a tree, camping in the wild and abseiling.

Some of the 50 things children should do, before they're 11¾.

That's according to the National Trust.

Have you seen the list? Now, some of them sound fun.

Some of them are insane.

Sod that! "A-woo!

"Mum!

"There's an owl on my head!"

Nobody has ever called an owl. I asked my cousin, he is seven.

He gave possibly the cutest answer.

"Have you ever called an owl?"

"No...

"I didn't know they had phones!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

My problem with the list - it's all a bit too nice.

"Let's build a den. Let's tickle a ferret."

The number one thing to do before you're 12 - play a prank on a mate.

-AHHH!

-What?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Now, big news in Middle England.

"Last week, we had the hose pipe ban...

"..now it's this..."

The steep rise in the price of stamps...

-Stamps...

-Stamps...

-Stamps...

-Panic buying...

-Panic buying...

From 46 pence to 60.

Wo-o-ow.

Ahhh!

It's such a British panic story.

Syria's in meltdown. "Never mind that!

"Stamps have gone up 14p!"

"There's nothing for it, Roger.

"I'm going to have to go on the game!

"We need the stamps, Roger. Line up the cocks!"

You think I'm joking?

People have lost it. Did you see this?

Wouldn't it be great if they'd all been bought by this guy?

"Hello!"

I like the idea he's just covering Buckingham Palace with stamps.

"Lizzie on the table,

"Lizzie on the butler,

"Lizzie on the Corgis...

"and finally, Lizzie...

"Yeah!"

"Hey, Liz, time for a special delivery!"

Now, talking of Royals. Did you see this?

Pippa Middleton could be questioned by French police

after she was pictured in Paris

in a car with a man who appeared to be pointing a gun.

Let's be honest. Everyone reacted the same way

when they heard this story.

"She was with a bloke who pointed a gun at a photographer?

"Bit stupid, isn't it?

"I tell you what, she's got a lovely arse!"

She could do anything, it always comes back to that.

"She head-butted a dog?" "Yeah, but it's perfect, isn't it?

"It's like a peach covered in silk."

She is so hot. This bloke saw her, his whole body got a hard-on.

Some people can be so mistrustful.

Peter, thank you. Coming up on Boulton & Co...

As ever, the US media didn't overreact...

Pippa could be facing criminal charges

and possible jail time for this.

..whereas, Channel 5, bit more British.

She will be in hot water with her parents.

And she can forget about riding her pony!

There, I've said it, I've absolutely bloody said it.

Over in the US, big news in the US Presidential elections.

We are at the point where we can say unequivocally

that Mitt Romney will be the Republican challenger to Obama.

Yep, Mitt Romney has been selected to take on Obama.

I think he's going to struggle. He can barely talk.

Let's talk about immigration...

HE STAMMERS

LAUGHTER

Let's be honest, he'll need all the help that he can get.

Imagine running against Obama!

He's so charismatic.

He's the only politician who can sing and not look like a dick!

Reverend Al Green was here.

CHEERING

# I'm...

# So in love with you... #

CHEERING

He's so smooth, isn't he?

You know God's looking down going, "I made that."

Mitt Romney, not quite as soulful.

# O beautiful for spacious skies

# For amber waves of grain

# For purple mountain majesties

# Above the fruited plain! #

LAUGHTER

First up, some strange economic news.

-Er...

-Er...

-Er...

It's the surprising research which may leave some people

scratching their heads.

Marketing experts reckon The Only Way Is Essex

has generated an extra £1 billion of spending in the UK.

Shut up.

Fuck off.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This is the... Exactly!

This is the bizarre news that The Only Way Is Essex

has boosted the economy by 1.4 billion.

Thanks to TOWIE, sales in...

In other news, book sales are down 800%.

"I can't read, but I've got a shiny muff."

It's so depressing.

When I was younger, kids wanted to go to the moon,

not have a neon minge.

How have they got their own show?

Why don't we idolise impressive people?

Why can't we have a show called The Only Way Is Fry?

We could hear stuff like this.

Would you be in any way offended if I said that you seem to me to be

the visible personification of absolute perfection?

As opposed...to this.

That goat's beard, look. How embarrassing.

Is that why they're called goats, cos they got goatees?

Yeah, that is so right.

LAUGHTER

I wish I was on the Titanic with Jedward.

From the depressing to the bizarre. There's been a ghost spotted

in my favourite part of the world - the West Country.

Clevedon's beautiful Victorian pier.

It's beginning to get a reputation for its ghostly residents.

The latest subject of unearthly contact

was keen angler Jack Hulbert.

This wonderful bloke saw the ghost. He claims he was fishing,

but surely there is a better way of putting it than this.

I thought, "I'll get up early in the morning

"and come down and give it a bash."

LAUGHTER

Don't say that!

Now I HAVE to put you on telly.

I love this man.

He sounds like one of my uncles. "I gave it a right bash!"

Listen to him describe his meeting with the ghost.

Walked up to the end of the pier,

nearly to the end,

and I saw this person leaning over the rail in the corner.

"Hell," I said, "I thought I'd be here first this morning."

I said, "You beat me to it." He never answered back.

"He never answered back! I thought to myself, 'What an arsehole!'

"I gives him a wave, he disappears.

"Some people are so rude."

This next bit is great. Check out what this evil ghost smells of.

It's not just sightings,

there's been a ghostly smell of toast at the pier shop.

Ghostly toast.

Ghostly to-o-o-ast!

"It was so scary, there was marmalade everywhere!"

Apparently, there's a reason behind this odour.

The smell of burnt toast has often been associated

with the presence of ghosts.

It's such bollocks, isn't it?

If you smell toast, that mean there's a ghost nearby.

-And if he's really fucked off...

-HE SNIFFS

Coco Pops!

LAUGHTER

He's angry, look, he's turned the milk chocolatey.

Whoa!

I tell you what, if this is the way ghosts smelled,

that would really have changed The Blair Witch Project.

SHALLOW BREATHING

I'm so scared.

SHE GASPS

So would I be!

I'm ghostly toast.

Now, eat your crusts!

LAUGHTER

Staying with the supernatural,

this is one of the best headlines you'll ever read.

This is the incredible story of a hamster whose owners buried him,

cos they thought he was dead,

only to see him reappear from his grave hours later.

Imagine the moment they saw him.

I bet they absolutely shat themselves.

"I... I thought you were dead!"

"Guess again, asshole.

"Now, where Daddy's carrot at?"

My favourite part of the story -

since he died and came back to life, they've changed his name.

He used to be called Rhino, he's now called...

So, are the family pleased to have this zombie hamster back? Yes.

Are the other pets? No!

The other pets are terrified of him!

HORROR FILM MUSIC

PARP!

LAUGHTER

It's fair to say,

I'm very worried about the students at Swansea Uni.

Do you reckon they're sat there, "Mum! I need a wipe!"?

It's insane.

What kind of job are you going to get if you can't even shit properly?

-Shut up.

-FUCK OFF!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

In case you can't figure it out,

here's the handy diagram they're showing the students.

This isn't a joke.

These were genuinely put up in a place of learning.

This is good toilet...

..and this is bad toilet!

LAUGHTER

Now... Now, I'm a good guy.

I wanted to help the students out,

so I've made a few signs of my own, right?

Here we go, this is how you urinate.

There you go. A lovely bit of wee. That's nice.

This is not.

That's bad.

That's bad toilet, right?

APPLAUSE

This is how you use a kettle!

Ah, oh, a bit of tea, oh, mm, tea, yeah.

This is not...

This is not how you use a kettle. That's bad.

That's bad. That's bad kettle! That's bad kettle!

LAUGHTER

One more? This is how you feed a pet.

He likes that, doesn't he?

Lovely little vicar dog. Lovely bit of food. Nom, nom.

This is definitely not how to feed a pet.

Over to the other side of the world.

Check out what the toddlers in Australia

are being taught at school.

This is self-defence, Israeli style.

It's called Krav Maga

and it's used by special combat forces around the world.

Now it's being taught to Aussie toddlers.

They're teaching toddlers martial arts. Madness.

When you're a kid, you should be in a sandpit, not cage fighting.

"A good day at school?" "Yeah, I learned how to fuck people up."

It's ridiculous, toddlers don't want to fight, they just want to dance.

MUSIC: "Jailhouse Rock" by Elvis Presley

I love the jump at the end,

but not as much as I love the way he finishes.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The big sporting story of the weekend was the Grand National.

He's a half-length in front.

Neptune Collonges is diving...

One of the closest races in Grand National history.

Neptune Collonges wins by a nose.

It was an incredible finish, but not a patch on this...

Bournda See under the big...

Oh! Morcombe put in a bad stride, he lost balance...

LAUGHTER ..and now Bournda See...

That is one photo finish you don't ever want to see.

Although he did win by a length!

Did you see the interview with the guy who trained the winning horse?

Probably the best horse we run in the race.

Class form, we're placing gold cups, stays genuine.

What a let down.

That's not how you celebrate winning a horse race.

This is.

-Congratulations.

-Thanks very much.

-It's fantastic!

-It is, it's unreal.

I can't believe it. I can't believe it.

I'll have fucking sex tonight and everything.

LAUGHTER

Yes, you will.

You lovely, horny little leprechaun!

Did you see the moment the jockeys arrived?

And the jockeys are waiting to make their way down the steps,

through the crowd and into the paddock.

I can't believe nobody was tempted

to play this music when they came out.

# Oompa loompa, doompadee doo

# I've got a perfect puzzle for you... #

It's great fun, you can even do it with the horses!

MUSIC: "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson

Did you watch the BBC coverage?

Clare Balding wins my award for

most convoluted description of a family tree, ever.

Ted is married to Helen. They have four children -

Jennifer who acts as agent to Ruby, who you know as the jockey...

Right.

..Katie, who is riding in the race, and her brother, Little Ted,

who is married to Nina Carberry.

Nina is riding in the race, her brother is also riding in the race.

Yeah...

Their father is called Tommy, and Tommy won the race on L'Escargot

in 1975, trained by Dan Moore,

whose son Arthur trains Organisedconfusion,

who's ridden by Nina Carberry, and also is her uncle.

LAUGHTER

Right, so who's Ted married to?

This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.

It's a mystery guest who's been in the news

and I have to figure out who that person is.

So, please welcome my mystery guest!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. Nice to meet you. I'm Russell.

-I'm Dorene.

-Thanks for coming on my show.

It's a pleasure.

I imagine there's something to do with knitting

and you have some weights there as well.

-No, nothing to do with knitting.

-Nothing to do with knitting.

-No.

-Does it have anything to do with the fitness equipment?

-Close.

-Close. Um, are you, like, a granny body builder?

-No.

You're not? I apologise.

Are you a spinster body builder?

-No, definitely not.

-OK.

Give me some clues.

It's stuff to do... Am I close?

What I do would do a lot of good for you.

LAUGHTER

You keep bitches in check?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Sorry. Sorry.

-Is this a clue?!

-WHOA!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

WHISTLING

Right.

No, it's not!

-It's unusual for you to be stuck for words, isn't it?

-It is, absolutely.

It feels like, if I close my eyes and I'm in an old folks' home,

it's like the best day ever.

It's like I'm 70 and looking around and going, "Oh, yes.

"Oh, oh.

"Oh.

"Oh, I don't need my medicine today."

So, Dorene, why were you in the news?

Well, because I am the oldest keep-fit instructor in England.

Well, there you go, that's great.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Are you going to show me how to keep fit?

-Of course I am.

-Let's do this.

-Right.

CHEERING

OK, I think we have to move this first. Out of the way. Sorry, love.

Right, I think that you need a lot of help with your movement.

Moving your body, shimmying your shoulders.

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

-And a sexy move.

-Is that sexy?

It is when you do it, but for me, it's like,

"I haven't taken my tablets."

Now, to help you, I've brought eight of my ladies.

Sweet, gang BANG!

CHEERING

Hello! Hello! Nice to meet you all! Hello!

Thank you so much.

-Right.

-Gang, are you ready?

-ALL:

-Yes.

-Let's start.

-Right.

-Right.

One, two, three, four.

Now, stretch, two, three, four.

Do it again. Two, three, four.

It's like we're the Sugababes.

-Now, hips. Come on, Russell.

-I'm trying!

I thought you were the young one.

I love the idea that someone's switching on now, going,

-"What's happened to Good News?!"

-Come along.

Push, push, stretch, stretch. Push, push.

Now, jump.

One and two and three and four.

CHEERING

-Now, follow me.

-Follow you?

-One, two, bounce, stretch.

-That's the Haka!

-Ka mate, ka mate!

-Swing the arms!

Up! One, two, three, four.

Up, bend.

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

A-one, two, three, four.

-Punch! Punch! High!

-Hey!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you so much.

There we go. Yeah?

A few years and he'll be all right!

Thank you very much. That was absolutely lovely.

Please, give it up for Dorene and the wonderful ladies.

CHEERING

I tell you what, a couple of great crime stories.

Firstly, there has been an incredible drunk man

arrested in Canada.

The police in Canada had an altogether more entertaining evening

after picking up one man who'd had a bit too much to drink.

'The man, who was picked up at 4am.

'managed to sing the entirety of Bohemian Rhapsody - air guitar

'and fake drumming included.

Yes, he did. This man is amazing.

# I see a little silhouetto of a man

# Scaramouche! Scaramouche! Will you do the Fandango?

# Thunder bolts of lightning Very, very frightening me

# Galileo, Galileo

# Galileo, Galileo

# Galileo, Figaro

# Magnifico... #

Magnifico, indeed. This is the best bit.

He really saves the best for last.

# Oh, mama mia, mama mia

# Mama mia, let me go

# Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me

# For me

# For MEEEEEEEE! #

Yeah!

Genius!

APPLAUSE

The only way he could have improved that

is if he ended it by doing this...

Now, here's a Vietnamese traffic warden

who goes way beyond the call of duty.

Damn right! This is commitment!

LAUGHTER

HORN BLARES

"Call the police! Call the police!"

It's like the most full-on episode of Coach Trip ever.

"Did you give him a yellow card?"

"No, I Sellotaped the prick to the windscreen!"

"Help me!"

It just shows how hated traffic wardens are.

Look at the reactions of the locals.

"Oi, mate, you got a wanker on the front of your bus!

"Naa-aa-aah!"

Poor bloke, you think it can't get any worse for the traffic warden.

Have you heard what was playing on the bus driver's radio?

# Together we are Jedward... #

IMITATES GUNSHOT

APPLAUSE

Now, this is a lovely story about a nine-year-old kid called Caine.

He built a cardboard amusement arcade in his dad's shop.

The trouble is, no-one was coming

until a film-maker decided to give him the best day of his life.

ALL: Hi, Caine!

There you go, sometimes people can be awesome!

APPLAUSE

Thanks very much for watching Good News. Good night!

CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

Let's have it one more time.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE