Episode 3 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much! Thank you very much!

Thank you!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks very much. Thank you very much.

Hello and welcome to Good News. So, what's been happening?

Did anyone else see that giant reporter on Newsnight?

..and these are the first elections...

LAUGHTER

The BBC interviewed the man with the scariest eyes ever!

Well, Chris Yates is an aviation pilot and joins us now...

Did anyone else see Downing Street being robbed on the news?

People had expected...

LAUGHTER

Over at Newsnight they had the least threatening rap group EVER!

RAPS: Mess around with me and I'm gonna scratch your cat. Uh!

LAUGHTER

-RAPS:

-Underestimate my power I'm gonna kill your Chihuahua!

LAUGHTER

Staying in the world of music,

check out the Australian version of The Voice.

Is it me or does Seal appear to be masturbating?

LAUGHTER

# Don't you remember...? #

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So, what's been going on? Well, this guy has been everywhere.

-Simon Cowell.

-Simon Cowell.

-Simon Cowell.

-Simon Cowell.

-Simon Cowell.

-Simon Cowell.

-High trousers.

-LAUGHTER

-There was a book about him, he had an affair with Dannii Minogue,

but the thing that caught my eye was his beauty regime.

Have you seen what he does?

Every week he is reportedly attached to a drip,

which pumps vitamins through his body.

He is said to travel with two suitcases

full of eye drops and face creams.

He also demands Botox injections twice a year.

He needs all the help he can get!

We've actually got a photo of him without Botox!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Not only that, apparently he spends thousands on his hair.

How?!

-LAUGHTER

-It looks like a pube crash helmet!

It gets stranger. Look what else he does!

Simon's a fan of colonic irrigation.

He thinks it gives his eyes a certain sparkle.

Sparkle?! If you want to make your eyes sparkle, splash them with water -

-don't ram a hose up your arse!

-LAUGHTER

Besides, it doesn't make him sparkle, it makes him do this.

SLOSHING WATER

Now, for me, this is his strangest habit.

How weird is that?

You won't be able to check what you've done!

-LAUGHTER

-Shut up - everyone checks!

LAUGHTER

Nobody knows why but everyone checks!

It's one of life's mysteries, innit?

-It is not like you're ever going to go, "Oh, glitter!" you know?

-LAUGHTER

-"Tinker Bell's dead!"

-LAUGHTER

I doubt Cowell even wipes his own arse!

I heard he gets someone to do it for him and he is NOT happy.

Elsewhere, the race to become London mayor was back in the news.

Did you see this INCREDIBLE headline?

-Jesus!

-LAUGHTER

Remind me to never go to his doctor's!

"Erm...

"how does this test my fitness?!"

-LAUGHTER

-"Shut up, Howard, I'm nearly there."

-LAUGHTER

-"Oh, God, I feel like Seal."

LAUGHTER

Now, did you watch the Sky News debates?

Lib Dem candidate Brian Paddick had a bit of an identity crisis.

I'm a professional politician.

I'm NOT a professional politician. LAUGHTER

I am passionate.

I am NOT passionate.

LAUGHTER

Boris Johnson wins my award for biggest lie of the night.

You can do extraordinary things in Croydon.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That is simply not true.

Boris was clearly bored - at one point he started doodling.

LAUGHTER

We've got hold of his drawing -

the Boris-Saurus-Rex!

Oh, yeah, cos I'm on the BBC,

I have to give fair coverage to all the major players.

So, here's Green Party candidate Jenny Jones.

My name's Jenny Jones.

-Sorted!

-LAUGHTER

There's some insane health stories knocking about.

Check out the latest craze sweeping across Taiwan.

Tu Chin-Sheng is the grand master of Yin Diao Gong,

an extraordinary and controversial form of medicine

for men who want to be all they can be.

MEDICINE? Well, that is stretching it!

You'll get that joke in about five seconds.

Look what this "medicine" entails.

After deep breathing,

each man ties a soft sash around his penis and scrotum... LOUD GROANING

..and straps on a five kilogram weight.

-SHOUTS:

-That is not medicine!

LAUGHTER

That is pervert croquet, that's what that is!

LAUGHTER

-"The Green's are good, aren't they, Barry?"

-LAUGHTER

It's insane!

This has to be understatement of the year.

Some doctors have suggested it may cause serious injury.

-LAUGHTER

-Fucking right!

You'll have a dick like this guy's arm.

So, why the hell are Taiwanese men doing this?

Master Tu believes conventional medicine

will one day recognise the benefits of this exercise

and see it as a safe alternative to potency-enhancing drugs like Viagra.

"An alternative to Viagra!" It's hardly going to be romantic.

"Love, I'm going to make love to you all night,

"just as soon as I finish stretching my penis with this lead weight.

"You stay there, love. You're in for the time of your life.

-"Oh, I wouldn't want to be you! Oh-ho-ho!"

-LAUGHTER

"Lynda..."

LAUGHTER

"Lynda, can you phone an ambulance, please?

"Make sure, it's a long one, I'm in real trouble here."

LAUGHTER

These guys don't just use it for sex. Check out this mad bastard.

The more experienced practitioners

are still to discover the limits of Yin Diao Gong,

one man even offering to pull our van.

-He's pulling a van with his wang!

-LAUGHTER

Let's hope to God the AA don't start doing that!

"Hello, love, I'm the fourth emergency service.

"Let's just warm the bad boy up! Here we go!"

LAUGHTER

"Come on!"

"My car's not even broken."

"I'll be the judge of that, love!"

From one weird health story to another.

A cemetery in southern Italy is now so full

the local mayor has come up with a bizarre new law.

TRANSLATOR: I issued a challenge in ordinance in which I said,

"Citizens, while we await the construction of the new cemetery,

"I order you not to die."

LAUGHTER

The trouble is this "nobody is allowed to die" law

isn't really working out.

The law has indeed proved challenging to enforce.

Within ten days of it being passed, two elderly residents disobeyed.

LAUGHTER

I love that, "Disobeyed"!

They make it sound like they found them in bed like that.

What are they going to do with people who break the law,

put them in jail?

What are you in for?

-FLIES BUZZ

-Strong, silent type, eh?

The screws won't get to you.

Oh?

Sleep on your belly, do you?

You're going to fit in just fine.

LAUGHTER

What?

Now, I've saved my favourite for last.

Over in Holland, a bloke has had an unusual reaction to an operation.

You have to check this out, it is so beautiful!

HE GIGGLES

HE LAUGHS

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It's... It's SO great!

He's so happy and she looks like the grumpiest bulldog ever!

I'll tell you what, I could watch this man for hours.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Over in Australia, there's been an unusual theft.

Three British tourists have been accused

of breaking into a theme park in Australia,

swimming in the dolphin enclosure and escaping with a penguin.

LAUGHTER

Well, that is what I call a night out!

How pissed do you have to be?

"Shall we go to a nightclub?"

"No!"

"No, we need to steal Pingu!"

I'm surprised they managed to steal him.

Some penguins are pretty tasty.

Not the oddest animal story of the week.

Have you heard about One Direction?

Liam and Harry have reportedly had a bit of a health scare in Australia

after handling a koala named Kat.

You're probably thinking they got a bit of a scratch.

Oh, no.

They're apparently worried that they could have caught chlamydia off the bear.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-I know they're cute but who bums a koala?!

-LAUGHTER

This poor guy saw everything.

LAUGHTER

MUSIC: "Mad World" by Gary Jules

APPLAUSE

"That's my fucking wife!"

LAUGHTER

Although not everyone was appalled.

Next up, have you seen how a group of men are promoting tourism in Scandinavia?

When tourism is down, there is nothing better to get it back up

than a video of naked men humping things.

-LAUGHTER

-Amen to that!

Now, look at the video these guys created

to get people to visit their country!

SOFT PIANO AND FLUTE MUSIC

POUNDING DANCE MUSIC

SOFT PIANO AND FLUTE MUSIC

POUNDING DANCE MUSIC AND LAUGHTER

SOFT PIANO AND FLUTE MUSIC

POUNDING DANCE MUSIC AND LAUGHTER

-It looks like Louie Spence's mind!

-LAUGHTER

How does that promote your country?!

If you like a place, write something nice on TripAdvisor, don't fuck it!

It is a funny video though, innit?

This guy's my favourite. Check this bloke out. Why?

Cos he's wearing a hat!

I also love this bloke.

WHAT is that?

That's not shagging, it's rapey yoga!

I'll tell you what, if that's how they sell their country,

can you imagine what their shopping channels are like?

-SCANDINAVIAN ACCENT:

-Hello!

Welcome to the shopping channel.

Gunter will now sell the toaster. Gunter!

Ahh! I love toasters! Oh!

He loves toasters.

'Warning, some of our toasters may contain pubes. Whoops!'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Over in America, a WONDERFUL reaction to a fire.

An apartment kept fire crews busy this morning.

Five units were damaged

and the entire complex may be without electricity for some time.

You're probably thinking, "Russ, why are you showing me this?"

Because I'd argue this is the greatest eyewitness account to a fire you will ever see.

Well, I woke up to go get me a cold pop

and then I thought somebody was barbecuing.

I said, "Oh, Lord Jesus, it's a fire."

Then I ran out, I didn't grab no shoes or nothing, Jesus.

I was running for my life and then the smoke got me.

I got bronchitis! Ain't nobody got time for that!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-"I got bronchitis. Ain't nobody got time for that!"

-LAUGHTER

This woman is fantastic, right, but the bizarre thing about this story,

since she appeared on TV, she's become a celebrity.

She's been on talk shows, she's been in magazines -

some genius even turned her rant into a song.

# Ain't nobody got time for that Ain't nobody got time for that

# Ain't nobody got time Ain't nobody got time

# Ain't nobody got time for that

# I said, oh, Lord Jesus, it's a fire!

# I said, oh, Lord Jesus, it's a fire!

# Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, it's a fire!

# I said, Lord Jesus, it's a fire I said, Lord Jesus, it's a fire

# I said, Lord Jesus, it's a fire

# Jesus, Jesus, Jesus

# Ain't nobody got time for that Ain't nobody got time for that

# Ain't nobody got time Ain't nobody got time

# Ain't nobody got time for that. #

-Well, I think...

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..we all have time for that.

It's not my favourite fire-related story of the week though.

Check out this incredible headline.

LAUGHTER

"Bastards!

"Not one copy of Felching Nemo."

LAUGHTER

The big sporting story of the week was, of course, this.

Blue skies, perfect conditions

and for more than 35,000 runners, the ultimate challenge.

The London Marathon is that rare sporting event

where the world's fastest compete with the world's fanciest.

I love the marathon so much!

Not for the elite athletes but for wonderful nutters like this.

I've broken the world record for the fastest female insect.

The fastest marathon dressed as a dairy product.

I've ran the fastest marathon in a gas mask.

LAUGHTER

Just SO brilliant! "Are you going to run it normally?"

"No, I'm going to do it as a yoghurt."

LAUGHTER

Mind you, not everyone was pleased with their costume choice.

So, Les, how was it this afternoon?

It was awful. Absolutely awful.

"I'm dressed as a rhino. Me nipples are ruined!"

LAUGHTER

I'll tell you what I love - the spirit the race creates.

People running, the crowds cheering

and who doesn't like to see a lovely bit of crowd work?

CROWD CHEERS

CROWD CHEERS

-WOMAN:

-Yay! Smile!

CROWD CHEERS

So sweet, isn't it?

Now, one of the biggest talking points from the race

came from Prince Harry.

It's hardly news. These two have been doing it for years.

-"Hello!"

-LAUGHTER

I've got footage of them from last year.

"No-one knows we're here, Liz."

FARTING

-LAUGHTER

-"Oh, Philip, have you dropped one?"

-"Sorry, baby. Papa had a bulgy."

-LAUGHTER

My personal highlight of the marathon -

the signs held up by the crowd.

Some were a little bit cheeky...

"Run bitches."

LAUGHTER

Some were a little bit racist...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

..and some simply offered practical advice.

LAUGHTER

Next up, there's been a study analysing the intelligence of footballers.

If you thought footballers were a bit dippy, think again.

A new study by researchers in Sweden

has found they are often more intelligent than the rest of us.

That's right, apparently footballers are more intelligent than us.

I'm not so sure. Some of them can get a bit tongue tied.

With Joey Barton, you know that,

you know what to expect.

You know he's going to come strong in the tackle

and he's going to come in your face

and you have to be ready before the match...

GUEST LAUGHS

All right.

I'm not sure he'd go that far though!

Mind you, there is one person in football who is a genius.

I'm not talking Wayne Rooney or Stephen Gerrard,

I'm talking this man - Bristolian legend Ian Holloway.

Oh, I could listen to him talk for hours.

Most football managers are like, "At the end of the day, it's a game of two halves, blah-blah-blah..."

Not Holloway.

Look what he said when Blackpool got promoted to the Premier League.

LAUGHTER

I love him so much.

He's like a football manager spliced with my mum.

I mean, who else describes a victory like this?

What's he even doing in that curtain? It's the best photo ever!

My all-time Holloway quote has to be this belter.

Here he is describing Cristiano Ronaldo.

LAUGHTER

There's more! There is more.

Boom.

APPLAUSE

This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.

There's a mystery guest who's been in the news,

and I have to figure out who that person is.

So, please welcome our mystery guest.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Nice to meet you. I'm Russell, what's your name?

-Natasha.

-Natasha. Thanks for coming on the show.

I imagine, Natasha, it has something to do with dogs.

Quite big dogs by the look of it because those are pretty big bones.

LAUGHTER

Don't!

They are big bones.

-Do you look after big dogs?

-Erm...

-No.

-Are you one of Snoop Dogg's bitches?

LAUGHTER

-No, you're not in the right area, no.

-Not in the right area, erm...

There's a trophy there. Have you got an award-winning dog?

-Yes, I have. Yes.

-You have an award-winning dog?

-Is that why you've been in the news?

-That's right, yes.

-What's the name of this dog?

-Dizzy.

-Dizzy the dog. What a lovely name!

-Have we got your dog?

-We might have.

What, really?!

Sweet. Would you like to meet Dizzy?

-ALL:

-Yes.

Diz! Diz-diz!

Steady.

ALL: Aw!

Good girl. Hello!

All right, Dizzy?

-So, why have you been in the news?

-It was about two months ago.

Erm, basically, Dizzy and I competed at Crufts

and we are the agility champions.

-She won at Crufts?

-That's right, the agility class.

-Fantastic.

-That's worth a round of applause.

-APPLAUSE

-Well done.

-Thank you.

So, erm...

-what we were planning is for you to do some agility with Dizzy.

-Sweet.

So, to give you an idea of what to expect, we'll run a short VT.

Let's look at you in action. Are you up for that, babydoll?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

DIZZY BARKS

What are you doing? Come on.

Dizzy, please.

-OK, so are you ready to have a go?

-I am.

-So, we're going to start over here...

-Sorry, I just kicked your dog.

-..with the seesaw.

-LAUGHTER

-I didn't, it was an accident.

OK, so I'm going to talk you through what you're going to do with Dizzy.

-Right.

-So, this is the seesaw.

-Sweet.

-We're going to start her off.

I need to give you a treat - she needs a reward for it.

So, you're going to start her off in a moment... LAUGHTER

-Is that a cocktail sausage?

-Yes.

-Oh, interesting.

-LAUGHTER

GROANING

-So, you're going to say "seesaw"... Ooh!

-Sorry, go on.

-..and then she'll stop at the end and then give her a treat.

-OK, right.

-Along this side?

-Yeah, whichever side.

-Cool.

-So, get ready.

-Dizzy.

-OK, show her you've got the treat.

-Dizzy!

Ready? Seesaw. Come on.

Wheyyy!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-DIZZY BARKS

-She likes sausages!

-Yes.

Now we're going to do the tyre. So, we're going to set her up,

you're going to go the other side and recall her through the tyre by calling her name.

-Dizzy, sausage.

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

OK, finally, it's the weave.

OK? So, just say "weave".

-Sausage, weave!

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Well done.

Good girl.

I've got a surprise for you. I've been hearing that you've got a dog.

-I got a smasher, yeah.

-Have you?

-Yeah.

-What's his name?

-His name's Archie.

-Hm, OK. I think he might be here.

-Have you got my dog here?

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-How have you got my dog here?

-Can we bring in Archie?

My... he'll attack!

Smasher! Top man!

Top man, come here.

Archie!

-Archie, top mutt.

-There you go.

-Cheers, man.

Hey!

-Look at all these arseholes! Look.

-LAUGHTER

ALL: Ahhh!

-Are you the number one smasher in the world?

-LAUGHTER

He's got attitude. What an absolute cracker!

So, you want to do some agility with him?

Yeah, he wants to attack.

Archie, do you want to see... Oh, I don't want him to do it.

-I just like him being naughty!

-LAUGHTER

Top mutt, let's do some agility. Do you fancy that?

I tell you what, he's not going to.

-He's going to piss on something!

-LAUGHTER

Archie, this is your moment to be on telly and you're going to nail it.

-"Damn right, I am, sir!"

-LAUGHTER

"These pricks better recognise."

Right, let's do this bit through here and again with...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I know he'd like to say a few words

because there's a particular dog that Archie hates

and he'd like to say this to the camera. Wouldn't you?

"Monty...

"Monty, if you're watching...

-"I hate you..."

-LAUGHTER

"..and I'm going to kill you."

-Ladies and gentlemen...

-LAUGHTER

that's the end of the mystery guest.

I'm going to take this smasher for a drink.

-Please give it for the wonderful Natasha!

-Thank you.

-APPLAUSE

-And for Archie, top mutt!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Take a look at this story from Iran.

This Iranian guy, a 21-year-old,

thought it'd be a really great idea to have a tattoo on his penis.

LAUGHTER

We haven't got a picture but we do have what he wrote on it.

LAUGHTER

The trouble is when it's cold, girls will be going,

"Why does it say 'boat' on your dick?"

-LAUGHTER

-It's madness.

If you're going to get anything tattooed on your penis, get this.

Ain't nobody got time for that! LAUGHTER

The best thing about this story -

the penis tattoo didn't exactly work out.

Since that happened he now has a permanent erection.

GROANING AND LAUGHTER

I think this guy sums it up best.

APPLAUSE

Tonight's story is about Claire Squires,

who tragically died running the London Marathon last weekend.

Claire's aim was to raise just 500 quid for the Samaritans,

but with the incredible outpouring of support from around the world,

donations have been continuing to come in at, like, £14,000 an hour.

Look at this, it's wonderful.

The 30-year-old hairdresser, from Leicestershire,

collapsed near St James' Park, on the final stretch of the course.

The tributes have been pouring in but so too have donations.

In 24 hours Claire's story has gone global,

with hundreds of pounds' worth of donations

made by strangers every minute.

At the beginning of the day, the total stood at around 3,000.

Now it is nearing 99,000...

-..£180,000...

-..£218,000...

..£264,000...

..£597,000...

And this is not people giving large sums of money.

In many cases, it is five or £10,

showing this cause is having an increasingly widespread appeal.

Others have got in touch from Australia, New Zealand and Tokyo,

as different nations have woken up to the story.

She was the most beautiful person, inside and out,

but she had no idea of it.

She had no arrogance about her at all.

She was a giver all the time.

Claire was already well-known in her home town as a tireless fundraiser,

now her story is inspiring thousands of strangers all over the world.

-There you go.

-APPLAUSE

Thanks very much for watching Good News.

Good night, my friends.

CHEERING

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