Episode 4 Russell Howard's Good News

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you, thank you.

Hello and welcome to Good News. So, what's been happening?

Over on Newsline, they interviewed Jedward's nan.

We've got Ruth Mackenzie, the director of the London 2012...

Dan Lobb was so excited, he got his cock out.

-THUD!

-Crikey!

BBC Breakfast interviewed the man with the biggest guitar ever.

The Elizabethan instrument...

Finally, I don't know what's going on here,

but I'm pretty sure this guy is happy.

Big news of the week, the new England manager

was going to be Harry Redknapp, but instead we've got this guy.

Roy Hodgson has officially been named as the new England manager.

The big question, though, is what happened with Harry Redknapp,

the choice of many fans and footballers?

When I saw it on the news last night, I screamed at the television.

It's so gutting, everyone wanted Harry and instead we've got Roy!

Fair to say, the fans have not taken the news well.

This is awful.

That is just madness.

Roy Hodgson? Are they on crack?!

'Roy Hodgson looks set to be the next England manager...'

HE WAILS

APPLAUSE

It was even worse on Twitter.

My favourite anti-Hodgson Tweet was this.

In fairness, he's got a point.

Everyone was depressed

that Roy Hodgson was chosen as England manager.

Well, I say everyone...

It's not the strangest sports story.

Have you heard the latest about the Olympics? Bad news for babies!

Babies will be banned from this year's London Olympics

unless they have their own ticket.

That's right, babies have been banned from the Olympics.

A lot of people are outraged, but come on, babies don't belong there.

Imagine the noise inside the stadium.

They do not react well to unusual sounds.

BABY GURGLES

BRRRRRRR!

Just leave them at home!

Put them in the bouncer and slam on some Johnny Cash.

MUSIC: "Folsom Prison Blues" by Johnny Cash

In fact, that's actually

how me and my brother are going to watch the Olympics.

It's not the... That's so much fun, I cannot tell you how much!

It's not the weirdest Olympics story of the week.

Have you seen how they're planning to protect the Olympic Stadium?

Residents living in a block of flats in East London are being told

they could have surface-to-air missiles positioned on their roof.

I tell you what, that is really going to change EastEnders.

"EASTENDERS" THEME TUNE

So, what else has been happening?

Well, it was all kicking off at Tottenham Court Road.

A man has been arrested after threatening to blow himself up

in the heart of London's shopping district.

Police snipers were called in

and thousands of people were evacuated from nearby buildings

during a three-hour stand-off on Tottenham Court Road.

Did anyone see the drama unfold?

Luckily, Sky News had experts on hand.

'Something is going on in that office.'

Cheers, Sky!

"There's a man with hands, doing a thing!

"I saw it with my eyes, I'm telling you with my mouth."

My favourite part of the story

is how the police got the guy to surrender.

'Police in the UK have a long history

'of almost boring people to death.'

They bored him to death!

# I know a song that will get on your nerves

# Get on your nerves Get on your nerves

# I know a song that will get on your nerves

# And it goes like this. #

# Baby, baby, baby, oh... #

What's been going on with the weather?

Two weeks ago, it was bone dry. Now, it's like this.

Torrential rain.

-Flood warnings.

-Strong winds.

-Trees down.

-Filthy, foul, soaking day.

It's wetter than an otter's pocket.

An otter's pocket?

Our weather has been like watching Question Time, then Loose Women.

Really dry, then totally shit.

It's so annoying, this must be the wettest drought ever!

Although in fairness, not everyone hates a flood.

Here we go, puddle at the bottom of the hill, coming up!

Come on, come on!

YEEEAAHH!

BRILLIANT!

Have you heard the latest about kids?

Children as young as ten

are accessing explicit and violent material online.

Or, as the Daily Mail put it...

Addicted to porn, aged ten. I tell you what, the world has changed.

The closest I got to porn when I was that age was

when one of my mates did this.

Porn would have freaked me right out!

"Why has that woman got a gerbil in her lap?"

"Oh, my Lord!"

"This film makes no sense, Dave! It makes no sense!

"He's turned up dressed as a plumber.

"He ain't done no plumbing!"

"That is not how you fix a radiator, what is he doing?!"

"No wonder she's moaning."

"Well, someone's hungry!

Mind you...

One thing I will say, it's pretty rich of the Daily Mail

to complain about kids looking at porn. Have you seen their website?

Half-naked lady, half-naked lady, half-naked lady,

cock in a frock.

Classic Daily Mail -

"Ban porn! But do check out Kelly Brook's growler."

Such an overreaction. Not all kids are watching filth.

Some are in the garden,

just having a bit of innocent fun with their mates.

Oooh!

From one shocking story to another.

Now to the Arkansas police officer under investigation this morning

for using a Taser on a ten-year-old girl.

That's right... Don't laugh!

A policeman Tasered a ten-year-old girl!

So, what terrible crime did this evil child commit?

Kelly King says her ten-year-old daughter was acting out,

refusing to take a shower.

Holy shit! How over the top is that?

"Have a shower." "No!"

ARRRRRR!

The poor girl will never miss a shower again!

She'll be scrubbing for hours.

HE WHIMPERS

By the time she's done, she'll look like this.

Times have changed.

When my mum was naughty, they didn't Taser her,

they just put a budgie on her head.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Mind you, we shouldn't be surprised. This is America.

Their police are pretty hardcore.

Listen to this emergency call from a concerned parent.

What was the police response?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

In fairness,

we have all seen an annoying child we'd like to shoot.

# Baby, baby, baby, oh... #

Now for some strange science.

Did you hear about this?

It's probably not what you'd wear to nip to the shops

or drop the children at school,

but then this cape is unique.

It's made from the thread of more than a million golden orb spiders.

If your mum rocked up to school like that,

it would freak you right out. "All right, Russ?"

"The spiders made my cardigan."

"Did they, Mum?" "Yeeeeeah...

"and the hedgehogs have made my slippers."

"Mum, have you been taking your pills?"

"Nooo."

This story is so weird.

Check out the creepy way they make this cape!

To make this cape, the spiders are prised from their webs

first thing in the morning

and clamped into special harnesses.

They put them in a fucking harness!

Argh! It gets worse. Look what they do next!

A long continuous golden thread is then extracted by hand.

"ARGH!

"Get your finger out of my arse!

"Nooo!

"I just want to eat flies!

"I just want to eat flies!"

That is the weirdest job ever.

There must be a moment when you're pulling white stuff

out of a spider's anus when you go,

"You know, I should really have tried harder at school."

In fact that should be an advert.

"Dave didn't do his homework and now he's fingering a daddy longlegs."

LAUGHTER

There's probably one bloke at home going, "Sounds like my dream job!"

Despite all this madness, the reporter claims the spiders love it.

After about 20 minutes,

the spiders are released unharmed back into nature.

Unharmed?!

Unharmed?! "All right, Barry, where have you been?"

"Aarr...

"He wore me like a glove."

"They were pulling for 20 minutes before they realised

"it wasn't my thread."

AUDIENCE GROANS

"Look at it!

"It looks like a Christmas stocking."

My favourite animal story of the week, though, is this belter.

There was a kung fu hamster

terrorising people in Slovakia.

The reason I love this story so much

is because some genius took a photo of the hamster.

Prepare yourself.

This is one of the greatest photos you will ever see.

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The best thing - not only is he throwing kung fu shapes,

look at his mouth,

it looks like he's going, "Surprise, arsehole!"

Elsewhere in Britain, check out this terrifying headline.

HE GASPS

What did the body turn out to be?

This is such a bizarre story.

A fake ET was stolen by burglars from an old lady's house

and then two months later, he turns up on a beach.

Here he is, reunited with his owner

and he doesn't look in any way freaked out by the experience.

LAUGHTER

I knew ET would come home.

How scared does he look?

Look at that!

He looks like he's been living in Charlie Sheen's mind.

Like someone's drawn baby's eyes on an old man's scrotum -

he does not look well.

A classic local news story.

Check out the dramatic re-enactment.

A 999 call to coastguards and police from a walker

who's seen a body floating in the sea.

But it's not human, ET has come home.

Minus his magic healing finger.

Washed up on a beach,

missing a finger?

He wasn't kidnapped.

He was on a stag do!

CLUB STYLE DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

That's what he was doing.

ET was on a stag do.

What else?

Remember the Dutch guy from last week? He had a hip operation,

now he can't stop doing this.

LAUGHS RAUCOUSLY

Well, he's back in the news.

Since we showed him, he's become a massive celebrity in Japan.

He's still laughing,

his wife is still really, really grumpy.

She hates him so much

and he loves winding her up.

Listen to this.

I think we all know how this is going to end.

MUFFLED LAUGHTER

SHE CACKLES

Over in Holland,

a shocking new TV show.

A couple of publicity-hungry Dutch TV show hosts

had a disturbing meal.

How disturbing?

They ate each other's flesh.

AUDIENCE GASPS

They ate each other's flesh?!

Ain't nobody got time for that!

Let's meet these freaks!

'Dennis Storm and Valerio Zeno

'had small pieces of their abdomen and posterior surgically removed,

'then cooked by a chef.

'They then ate it on their own show.'

They chopped off bits of their arse

and cooked them in a frying pan.

I'd love to see Gordon Ramsay do that.

Fuck! Shit! Piss! Wank!

Son of a bitch!

Done.

It makes you wonder, though, if you had to eat someone, who would it be?

I asked my brother, he said he'd eat Cheryl Cole,

but I'm not sure he understood the question.

He's obsessed with her. He made me do this.

If you're watching, Cheryl, I'm sorry.

This is actually my brother, Daniel.

Cheryl, call me.

Oh...?

Supper's up.

Supper's up, everybody.

This is the part of the show I genuinely know nothing about.

This could be a mystery guest who's been in the news

and I have to figure out who that person is.

So, please welcome my mystery guest.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Hello. I'm Russell, what's your name?

-Pali.

Pali, what a great name.

-So I imagine it has something to do with food.

-Yes.

OK. Er, do you run a fine restaurant?

Er...kind of, yes.

Kind of? It's a shit hole?

-You'll have to give me another clue.

-It's Italian food.

-Yes.

Pizza! >

It's what, love? Oh, pizza!

-Yes.

-Oh, right, OK.

Are you some form of pizza flinger?

That sounded like a horrendous euphemism for...

"That bloke's a pizza flinger!"

You're very close actually.

-You're a pizza flinger?

-Something like that.

Er, you like slapping your dough about?

-You're renowned for your meat feast?

-Yes.

-Nice, nice.

Look at the camera and say, "Damn right, baby." That will be a lovely moment.

You're renowned for your meat feast?

-Damn right, baby.

-Ah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-So do you hold a record?

-Yes.

So I'm close, you have the record for spinning pizzas around.

-Kind of, yes.

-OK. Well, what is the actual answer?

I was in the news lately because I'm the fastest pizza maker in the world.

There you go, excellent.

How quickly can you make a pizza?

-I've got the world record of making three pizzas in 39 seconds.

-Wow.

APPLAUSE

So you're literally a dream for people who smoke pot.

They should have a little version of you in their cupboard.

"Oh, we need a... Yeah, the pizza pixie done it again!"

-Exactly.

-Of course. So are we going to make some pizza?

-Yes, we are.

-Let's do this.

APPLAUSE

Right. So, go on, make that pizza.

-I'm going to teach you by the way.

-Great.

-OK, so this is our dough that comes out.

-Yes.

-We are going to define the edge.

-Yes.

Just like this, this makes a nice crust.

-Then we're going to stretch it to size.

-Yes.

Don't laugh at the words "stretch it to size"!

-Once you've done that, maybe you can do this.

-Oh, yes. That's good.

AUDIENCE WHOOPS

-Nice work.

-We place it down onto a screen. OK.

Get some sauce.

-Spread it around nicely.

-Yes.

-OK. Now with this...

LAUGHTER

With this competition, as much as it's called the fastest pizza maker,

-you have got to make it with a proper quality.

-Of course.

-Sprinkle some cheese on.

-Yes.

-OK, then I'm going to put some pepperoni on there. And voila.

-Sweet.

There you go. And now my turn.

We're going to add a twist to your one, Russell.

I want to make a pizza that will be called a Russell Howard Special.

Sweet.

I've got an idea, let's do two pepperonis as eyes

and one of them's slightly off.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Are you ready?

-Yes.

-Ready, set, begin.

Define the edge.

CHEERING

Stretch it out, that's it. Make sure you're being nice to the dough.

-I'm being nice.

-Yes.

-OK, so now you're going to place it onto the screen.

-Ooh yes, lovely.

-Something like that.

-Um-mm.

-Get some sauce.

-I would have made about ten by now.

-Tender, treat it right.

-OK, yes.

-Some cheese on there.

-Cheese.

Pepperoni.

One eye, one eye, one eye, the other eye, sad eye.

I think the chicken will...

Chicken for the mouth, good thinking. Bacon mouth!

-This is supposed to be the fastest.

-It is very fast.

-That's me.

-And that's it. Brilliant.

APPLAUSE

-Why don't we go against each other and see who's quickest?

-Yes?

-But you're only allowed to use one hand.

-Yeah? Seems fair.

-But they've got to be good, though, yeah?

-They've got to be good.

-I'll go that side.

-You go this side.

-So one-handed.

-I'm doing it with two. Right, ready?

Right, define the edge, go, go.

SHOUTING AND CHEERING

CHANTING: Russell, Russell, Russell!

APPLAUSE

Look at that, even with one hand yours is magnificent.

Don't.

I would shake you hand, but I'm covered. Let's fist bump.

Ladies and gentlemen, round of applause for Pali.

Bad news for the economy, we're in recession.

A major blow to the economy...

Britain is officially back...

Into a double dip recession.

-Double dip.

-Double dip.

Double dip recession.

I wish they wouldn't call it a double dip.

A double dip sounds like something

posh boys call a threesome, doesn't it?

"Cleggy, get Boris, let's have a double dip."

Talking of posh boys, does anyone trust George Osborne?

He doesn't look like the kind of guy to solve a financial crisis.

He looks like the kind of bloke you'd see in Tesco

smiling at the cheese.

So why are people so angry with George?

Well, a lot of it is to do with pasties.

Hundreds of bakers protested in London against Government plans

to put 20% sales tax on hot takeaway food.

People were livid. I've never seen anyone get this angry over a snack.

-You can take our freedom, you Tory

-BLEEP,

you will NOT take my fucking sausage rolls!

He's like a chubby Braveheart.

All this economic turmoil has put Labour ahead

in the polls.

Let's be honest, though, is Ed Miliband ever going to get in power?

Would you really vote for this guy?

Eh...

A lot of people don't even know who he is!

Does anyone really know who Ed Miliband is?

I have no idea. Who is he?

-Do you recognise him?

-Yeah, David Miliband.

You've been two years in the job. Shouldn't they know which brother you are?

APPLAUSE

Now, this is the inspirational story of Josh Dueck,

a paraplegic skier who set himself an amazing goal.

Back in 2004, aspiring pro-skater and friend of mine Josh Dueck

broke his back when a flip on skis went tragically wrong.

He ended up a T11 full paraplegic, which pretty much means

that he had no feeling in his body from about this point down.

Last year, we worked on a documentary together called The Freedom Chair,

and during filming, Josh just blew me away

with what he was able to do on a sit-ski.

While we were out filming, the whole time,

Josh kept talking about wanting to go upside-down on snow again,

so here we are in Whistler, and we're going to try and make it happen.

It all started a few months back at Woodward's at Copper.

I started jumping around in the foam pit

and I realised the back-flip was possible. From there, the natural progression

was to bring it on to the airbag at Blackcomb in their train park.

And then it was on.

Whoa-ho-ho!

Wo-o-oo!

CHEERING

This is something I've been dreaming about ever since I was laid out in the hospital.

I've wanted back on the horse ever since I got knocked off.

To be able to go back out there and do this flip with all my friends...

It simply does not get any better than that.

-Pretty cool, though. Pretty cool.

-APPLAUSE

Thank you very much for watching Good News.

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd